Dear Auntie Leila,
I have a bunch of kids, the oldest two are 16 and 14. The oldest attends public school and thankfully, has not had a weekend social life with his classmates yet. For years, I have been repeating, “no dating until you are 18” and we have had some good conversations about the pitfalls of dating too young. We get together with some other families, and my teens do invite other teens over for games and hanging out. My son and one girl seem to gravitate towards each other and I haven't really tackled this. It seems harmless enough, but I feel like I need to have a more thoughtful approach to the advice my husband and I give, and the rules. Without getting personal, can you share some of your wisdom on teens and dating or not dating, that kind of thing?
Thank you!!
Julie
Dear Julie,
Ah, yes, dating.
That quaint institution… we cling to the idea, although the world has moved on without it, I'm afraid. Or rather, it means something very different from what we'd like it to mean.
I've had conversations with older people about this topic, and you can tell that, in their vehement enthusiasm for dating, they are remembering something from a time so long ago… maybe from the 40s… when there was plenty of cultural support for virginity before marriage, and the whole context was that you were aiming at getting together a family.
Because of the generation I belong to with all its craziness, I know how very far from that context things went. But somehow, even at this late date, we hesitate to re-think how we will do things with our own children. We continue along as if somehow our children will manage.
Which blows my mind.
If you want your children to have the wherewithal to — not to succeed at everything — who could give that to their children? But to have a good chance at being able to respond to what God is calling them to do, you have to get to the heart of things. And of course, it's not really about being at a particular age, is it?
I fear that when we say, “No dating until 18 (or 16 or whatever)” we are still operating in that weird mindset that brings you two-piece bathing suits for toddlers and couples' dances for tweens and Disney programs about little prepubescent boys falling in love with taller, curvy girls. In short, though we might reject those aberrations, we are still buying into the notion that the mystery of union between the sexes is about feelings only, feelings full stop — feelings with no plan, no responsibility, and above all, no risk.
To be practical, I am going to suggest that you discuss with your husband this question:
Is it not to discover if the person is someone you would like to marry?
Thus, if a guy, of whatever age, is not in a position to get married, should he be dating? If a girl or woman is not in a position — that is, ready emotionally, physically, and spiritually — to get married, should she be dating?
I believe that an 18-year-old (and even younger) is very much capable of falling in love and having deep feelings about another person. We parents are so clueless about the interior life of our child. We think they are impervious, unaware, superficial — when really, they are, if anything, more passionate and more whole-hearted than we are about many things, simply because we are getting worn down!
If he is not in a position to get married, then is it wise to put himself in the position of having those feelings encouraged and acted upon?
For instance, a girl may be ready at 18 to start a family in all the ways that I mentioned. In our times (and ever since college became a universal goal and marriage got later and later or even just dispensed with), we can hardly believe it, but it's true — and many a girl would be rescued from a lot of heartache if she could just get married to a good guy already.
However, in our society, it's unlikely that she would be dating a man capable of providing for her, although it's possible even now (and I myself did meet the Chief at a young age — he's 10 years older than me, so you can think about that!). But an 18-year-old guy — extremely few in our society are able to set out providing for a family at that age. Thus, he should not be dating. (Although, again, there are some rare, very responsible young men who own their own businesses or farms and could do it. Their parents' job would be to make them prove it!)
What I wish everyone would understand is that keeping your son out of the dating scene is not because he isn't capable of being serious about a girl. It's because he IS. Do you see?
I think that if young people were encouraged by their parents to see dating as a means to marriage, they would accept the idea that it's unwise to go there if the answer to the question “are you ready to get married?” is no.
Auntie Leila hastens to add that they should be encouraged to make friends, go in groups, see how their friends interact with family members, get to know lots of people, observe their conduct (as dear Jane Austen puts it*), and in general have fun and think about what makes a good and attractive companion.
In our family we tell our kids that there is no reason to be alone with a person of the opposite sex if you are not in a position to (at least in theory) pursue marriage with them — if you don't know them well enough for that to be a possibility. In other words, you would have to already be good friends with the person and be mature enough to be considering marriage.
This is simple prudence. A guy can avoid much unpleasantness in the way of unfounded accusations if his dad seriously talks to him about not being alone with a girl he barely knows (even if he thinks he knows her). And of course for a girl, the reasons are obvious. Seriously, my friends, what do you think it means to be pro-life? In helping an unwed mother? What about in preventing the conditions in the first place?
It isn't so much about “rules” as helping them to take responsibility — but there is one rule that really helps. Deirdre tells me that she carried this one rule of ours with her to college and it gave her freedom without her ever thinking much about it — “There's really no reason to be alone in private [as opposed to taking a walk or otherwise being in public] with a boy!”** Of course, in college, it's even more important, since to them a dorm room feels like their “home” but it is in fact a room with… a bed. Keeping the door open whenever she had a male visitor kept her comfortable and prudence satisfied.
Shut that door and you are in a danger zone. To be blunt.
Let's start protecting our children. In the era when dating was carefree, fun, and a great way to get to know someone, it also was shored up with many taboos and standards, and romance wasn't the hyped unrealistic nonsense it is today. I'm afraid we just have to let go of that dating idea, at least for now.
It's good to let our children know that we think it's wonderfully normal for attractions to happen. The nicer and more wholesome the kids, the less surprised we should be! Our job as parents is to keep them on track with their real goals, which are, at this age, to get themselves in a position to be ready to say yes to God's will for their lives. Getting into position requires a lot of hard work and practice with self control.
These are exactly the discussions to have whenever it comes up. It can be so normal and easy to do, merely by commenting on behavior and observations you and your kids make. It helps for eventual mature thinking. If they become infatuated, it's good to help them see that these are normal and natural feelings, but that it's unjust to pursue them if you can't offer the person what he or she really wants in their deepest heart, which is a life-long commitment.
We all know that playing with those feelings is incredibly unwise. And most kids who date are indeed playing — play-acting — and then they are setting themselves up for a sad future of using other people or being used.
Thus, to answer the question, we prefer not to set an age for dating, but to discuss all these things and help the children see that the purpose of it all is to have a happy family some day, to which you are bringing a clear conscience and a pure heart.
Why not start to pray for their future spouse with your children? He or she is out there…
I encourage you to think way outside of the box and go to the heart of the matter. Discuss it with your husband, pray about it, and see what you think.
From the archives, it might help to peruse the category for teen years, and this post in particular.
Lots of love and a big hug from me,
Leila
____
*I really recommend The Jane Austen Guide to Happily Ever After. For girls it is a great discussion-starter — if they are very familiar with the books (and only if — no use ruining for them the best books ever written). When all is said and done, I think it's good to be clear on one thing the book somewhat forgets to mention, which is that it's a sin to engage in premarital sex. But with that as a given, it's an intelligent exploration of what how to attain happiness with another person, Jane Austen–style.
Rebekah says
I utterly agree. This was the understanding we all had growing up: dating is for figuring out whether or not you wanted to get married. So you don’t date until you are mature enough for marriage. The end.
We were not repressed, believe it or not, and two of us have found excellent spouses. (The other four are too young!) Dating in high school just seemed silly to me… I never even wanted to. I had a lot of guy friends in college but never dated any of them. It was good and fun and everyone was fine.
Christine says
Thank you, Leila. Your advice echoes that of our pastor. He has shared similar sentiments with us. May God bless you!
Sara says
I love that one rule. It’s perfect and covers so many situations—if not all of them. 😉
Cathy says
I was following along just fine, nodding my head etc. until…. those food pictures completely distracted me!
Is that the yummy eggplant dish with the honey dressing?
Leila says
Haha Cathy, yes, my faithful readers will recognize that as Eggplant Obsession! http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org/2010/05/i-told-you-i-was-obsessed-with-eggplant/
Kara says
Such good advice! And a reminder to me that even now I should be making sure my conversations with my little one regarding “dating” and marriage reflect this attitude. Just as I don’t remember a time when my parents said, “Higher education is important”, I don’t remember them saying that dating should be used as means to marriage and not something just for fun . But both were expectations and ideas that had been communicated for as long as I could remember.
Tracy says
I love your comment about how some young women might actually be ready to be married at 18. I was a young bride myself (not 18, but 22) and my husband was 23. We were a blessed part of the late 90s tech boom and began adding to our family quickly. I am so, so grateful that I was able to begin my vocation when I did. We have similar discussions about the purpose of dating and relationships with our kids now. We are Catholic so we also bring in the possibilities that our children might be called to a religious vocation. Discussing it when they are younger, pre-tween even, has made it feel like a natural and practical way to approach relationships instead of a fear based rule.
Tarynkay says
We are not Catholic, but we are also trying to make sure to introduce the idea that some people are called to singleness (you know, holy singleness in the context of a life committed to God, not wild bachelor singleness) rather than marriage.
Meg says
Yep, my sister married her high-school sweetheart after a couple years in college. He’s a techie too, and providing wonderfully for their family at a young age.
Leila, this is perfect! Thank you.
Mary Keane says
You’ve articulated all this so well, as usual! My college years were spent figuring this out, since I’d had a two-year relationship starting in high school. That’s not in and of itself terrible, although probably not recommended, but I broke things off so he could discern his vocation. He’s about to be ordained, so yay! After that breakup I felt like I was ready to find my vocation too, instead of crawling under a rock and shunning men or else just “dating casually” for a while. Those were the two explicit expectations I kept hearing, from everyone but my spiritual director. “Dating is for finding a spouse,” was all at once so obvious and a complete revelation. I had never heard it anywhere! So thank you! I’m sending this to my 17-year-old sister.
Kelsey says
I really appreciate this post. I do think that it’s important to acknowledge the normalcy and naturalness of attraction in younger teens – instead of just shutting them down or treating the issue as if they are doing something wrong by liking a nice young man or woman that they go to school with or know from church. I’ve seen that happen, and it breeds resentment and confusion. At the same time, it is important to call our youth on to something higher, and the type of self-sacrifice that this calls forth is such tremendous training for whatever vocation God calls them to!
In other words, act, don’t react 🙂
I also believe that a big part of this education is teaching our children the truth about providing for/supporting a family. I do know some who are fearful of marriage or children because of the inflated expectations our society promotes of material prosperity. Yes, both man and wife need to be emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually mature, hard workers and committed to the ideal of family life. But I do not think you need to have all your ducks aligned to be ready for marriage. (I don’t think that’s what you were saying at all, and one does need a plan and decent prospects/a job, just thought I’d throw in my two cents!)
Leila says
So true, Kelsey! Providing means providing, as in having a job and a plan, not as in having everything all figured out and being rich. True maturity means knowing that you will have struggles and maybe even never be all that well off, and that’s okay. One thing we try to do here on the blog is show our readers how to live simply so that these nice young people can get married already! 🙂
Jennifer says
Thank you for this. The art of dating has been forgotten and temptation is everywhere. I wish someone had explained setting yourself up for victory in the purity realm. My husband and I made it through, but just barely. Just saying, don’t do it, really isn’t enough advice.
Deanna says
Leila,
Thank you for this well written post. I say a hearty Amen, to it all. This is our own philosophy on the issue as well.
Our oldest daughter age 22 married this past March to a young man from our church. They are young, he is two years her junior, but he has a wonderful job that he loves and makes a good living with. He was prepared to marry in maturity (remembering that a 20 year old will never have the life experience maturity that a 40 year old has), he is following Christ, also. They were ready to marry and we gave our permission for them to see if they could be married to each other. When they determined that they were, they happily became engaged, then married. They are thriving in their lives together!
May I link to this post from my blog?
Leila says
Deanna, of course! I’d be honored.
Heather says
Thank you so much for this post. It’s a much needed wakeup call and social commentary. Thank you for giving such a great solution to a problem that I have been trying to wrap my mind round for the last few years!
Kim Oliver says
I love this!
This is an excellent post! Well said Auntie Lelia!
You are full of wisdom….
Melanie says
Yes, yes, and yes. My oldest is 17 and will be 18 in a couple of months. We have had the no solo dating rule in place…and now I know exactly how to talk with her before 18 hits.. Thank you for stating so well what I was already mulling clumsily around in my brain!
Mary (Owlhaven) says
Love this. thanks for taking the time to write it all out.
Mary, momma to 10 (4 grown, 2 married) 🙂
Meaghan says
Thanks for this post! It’s funny your advice about dorm room doors staying open… My husband and I went to the Air Force Academy and that was the rule for 4 years. At the time, I felt like we were being babied, but now I think it’s a good rule of thumb and I would advise to or children as well!
Stephanie says
YES! My husband and I went to the Coast Guard Academy….same dorm room policy, doors open and no opposite sex allowed to sit on the others rack. No holding hands, kissing in uniform, hugging in uniform…when our engagement was announced as seniors many of our own classmates had no idea we were even dating 🙂 This post was great Leila..I love how you give credit to the intense feelings teens can have…look at our teen saints!!
Rachel says
I agree with the “no fixed age” idea. I also think we need to accommodate for particular friendships between boy and girl during the teen years. I know you may say there is a danger in that, but don’t the skills needed for friendship develop over those years too. I remember reading somewhere that smaller children don’t really have what we could define as friendship, because they don’t have the virtues and skills necessary for that yet, ie, fidelity, reciprocity, altruism. These things grow over time. I think sometimes friendships between individual teens are the testing ground for identifying the necessary qualities in a marriage art near, with no romantic involvement. What do you think, Auntie Leila? Maybe I am wrong about that one.
May I also make the observation that I am sorry but I find the term “dating” repellant. I am British and I think the lovely word “courting” is so much more elegant. To me, at this time in history, dating definitely has a sexual undertone which is not pleasant. Courting implies a courtly respect with an expectation of manners and behaviour which seems more virtuous.
I completely agree that the aim of “stepping out” with someone of the opposite sex is to get to know if they are marriage material, I always thought this in my own dating years (20+ years ago) but found I was the odd one out, I thought it would be a cruel thing to continue to play with someone’s affection when it was clear that they were not “the one”.
But what abou the possibility of “early”marriage. I do not consider the late teens or twenties young for marriage, it depends on the maturity of e people involved. There is definitely a pattern with committed evangelical Christians ( the Duggars for example) that their children are ready for and expect marriage earlier than their contemporaries. Why? Because they are brought up with the firm idea that it is a possibility because it is one of the things God calls us to. In fact , the thing he calls the majority to.
The general teaching these days is that, especially for women, marriage is something you succumbs to when you have finished doing everything else which is more interesting, financially fruitful and important, I do not think I am exaggerating this claim. I know a beautiful young lady, she is now around 25, a local Catholic from a good Catholic family, who has been courting a beautiful young man for more than to years now. It is quite clear that they want to be married. They each have a good job. It is also quite clear tha her parents believe that they are “not ready”. I fear that meanwhile, rather than marrying they are burning with passion. Which is understandable as it is a natural thing. This is where the seeds of divorce are sown. Young couple want to marry, they are deemed too young, they are tempted and so use contraception because it would be worse to have a baby out of wedlock in a Catholic family. Marriage is not promoted to them as the natural, spiritual, virtuous, wholesome, life building institution that God is calling them to.
Sorry to ramble on, I think this is be of the most important issues for us and one of the ways in which Satan attacks marriage at its root.
Leila says
Rachel — Yes, friendship is important. That’s why families need to encourage teens bringing their friends home and having bonfires and other things I discuss in the posts I linked to.
I agree with your points. A man has to be able to support his family. But it’s disastrous to define support as offer wealth and complete stability.
Marriage is a glorious risk. If the people in question are READY — if the man can support a family and the woman can make a home, and they understand that it’s a life-long commitment for this purpose — then they should marry and not linger!
I too do not like the term dating at all and don’t use it. Courting is fine for stepping out together before the engagement. But there is something that is happening before that and we don’t really have a word for it. I like “friendship.” 🙂 Also, a woman doesn’t court a man! Only a man courts a woman. Which is nice 🙂
Melissa says
Fantastic advice and so necessary nowadays! How I wish I had understood this before I was married. I hope and pray that we can teach our sons how to guard their hearts and the hearts of their potential future wives. Thank you!
Tia says
I agree that dating is for determining whether the person is someone you could marry. But I wonder if that means you have to be ready to marry *now. In other words, for some of us it may take a year or two to feel confident that the person we are dating is supposed to be our husband or wife. Even if we were ready to get married to the right person this very minute, most of us lack the ability to really know who is right without seeing that other person in at least a few stressful situations. And this knowledge doesn’t usually come from casual friendship.
Personally, I never dated someone “just for fun” (seriously, what’s fun about a relationship that’s going nowhere with someone you already know you don’t like all that much??). But there were people I honestly thought I was supposed to marry, only to realize after one or two years that they weren’t right. In some ways I regret haven those relationships and wish I could have met my husband sooner, but at the same time, I dated my husband for one year before becoming engaged and we were married after two. It was only after seeing him in multiple life situations, seeing how he rose to challenges, that he honored his commitments, that he was devoted to his family, etc., that I felt I knew him enough to make that lifelong commitment. So even if you do have the “dating is for marriage” line, there is still a lot of chance for heartbreak and for getting hurt.
Leila says
Tia, my point here in the post is that teens are not in a position for any of what you speak of. So they shouldn’t date.
As to older, marriage-ready (in theory) people, yes, there has to be a time for discernment. Different people will take different amounts of time, and you note that I don’t specify, because that would be silly.
I would say that for a full-grown woman to count on “a couple of years” with “a couple of guys” is too many years! She needs to speed things up. A good way to do that is to rely on her family or other mentors to help her weed unsuitable guys out from the get-go. Trust me, they can do this.
For you, it all worked out, but I would not give this as general advice. So often individual circumstances do work out — my own case in point! But for the vast majority, they can discern pretty quickly and then and only then should they be exclusive with the person, with the idea that he might be marriage material.
I say that because it’s not easy to say that you DO want to marry someone, but it IS easy to say you don’t. And if you don’t, then don’t waste your time (in that way) with him!
Donna L. says
Hi Auntie Leila! Thank you for this excellent advice as it was ping-ponging around in my brain about how to talk to my girls and boys about this…nobody has shown an interest in dating, yet, but we will get there I imagine…I appreciate your thoughtful and to-the-point assessment of dating versus courting, as well.
Still praying for friends for my children…
Margie says
Our very holy and dear priest shared his wisdom on this subject recently: Your journey to “the one” doesn’t come from shopping around, “the one” comes from prayer. Parents and children should all be praying for God to bring the right person to them. He said that forbidding marriage until everything is in place (graduation, better job, etc.) is the same mistake couples make when they decide to prevent having children until they are in their perfect house with money socked away in the bank. They take away the opportunity for God to work in their lives. Marrying younger may be a struggle, but they grow closer in that struggle together and those are usually their best memories of married life.
I personally believe that if both people feel they have found the right one, then they should be allowed to follow what God has put before them…HOWEVER, they should both be mature enough to understand the commitment and willing to endure any struggles on their journey. I always struggle with placing time restraints on God — I tend to step back and say, “no wait for this, that, or the other” so that it will be lined up perfectly. Problem with that is God sees a much bigger picture than I can possibly see and if we were to do it my way then we would be missing out on some of God’s best blessings.
jcjewell says
Love these amazing comments by your wise priest!
KellyinPA says
Excellent post! I couldn’t agree more. We have six children, 3 of them are happily married (Praise the Lord!), one son has been “dating” a girl for about a year and a half (he’s 27) and we have 13yo twin sons with whom we are now facing these teen years once again. They haven’t the slightest interest in girls yet but I know that time is coming and we will be discussing with them the many wonderful points of your post. Thank you!!;)
Karen says
Auntie Leila, I completely agree! How I wish that my parents had instilled this wisdom in me. I would have avoided major heartache throughout my teen and young adult years. Every single point you touched on is something that I experienced in my dating and married life. I really did fall in love with a friend at age 14 and our parents allowed us to date. I eventually ended the relationship because I could see that it would be many years before we could marry and it felt wrong to be seriously involved with someone at that stage of my life. How sad that our parents didn’t come to that conclusion! In college, I allowed myself to be alone with a guy… and I got really hurt because of it. Then, I fell in love again with my now husband, but we married before we were really ready to be married and start a family, and that caused quite a few years of mortal sin! We have remained strong in our marriage through the grace of God, confessed our sins, repented, and started the long journey home to truly living out our Catholic faith. Your advice put into words exactly how we plan on facing these issues with our children. Thank you again, Auntie!
Anna says
My father, doing his best, saw too many glorified-hollywood-dating style movies, and didn’t do enough dating on his own. He was sure that being in a group would influence all of us to indulge in our attractions. So he forbid me to do group dating. Thus he sent me out with the boys I was attracted to BY MYSELF. Because I was safer that way. It was really frustrating as a teen (although, also gave me license to enjoy the reality of the situation) and terribly sad, as an adult looking back.
I have no idea how I made it out of my teen years with my technical virginity intact and my chastity in the back seat. I can only believe it was God watching over me, and the prayers of my grandparents.
I have four children of my own, now. The oldest is soon to be twelve. We’ve talked about crushes, and I was surprised at how reasonable she was when I pointed out that crushes are simply friendships-with-boys, and to call them crushes is ridiculous.
Leila says
Dear Anna,
I am reeling from your Dad’s idea about dating! I do think parents try to do their best and end up making mistakes. I know that is the case with me!
As to crushes, I would gently say that it may be that you are not quite remembering what a crush is really like. It is certainly not “simply friendship”! A crush is an overpowering attraction, often based on virtually nothing at all, but quite consuming at the time it’s being experienced. As a phenomenon that is, I think, fairly separate from the will, it’s neutral in itself, and harmless. The problem gets to be when the person (and even a quite old person can have a crush and sometimes crushes aren’t sexual or romantic at all!) lets go of self control and acts immodestly or puts himself (yes, guys get crushes!) in a compromising situation, just from lack of prudence and guidance.
The thing about a crush is that usually, after a while, you snap out of it and can’t fathom what it was all about! So it’s good to help a child to gradually realize the process. But I would recommend not belittling it at the time or pretending it’s not meaningful. Acknowledging it and just keeping an eye out to be sure that an inordinate time isn’t being spent on indulging it.
For instance, many girls treat their family and real friends quite shabbily while they are experiencing a crush on a guy (or even on another girl, which as I say is actually quite normal and can be interpreted as sexual just because the feelings are so strong, but isn’t sexual in fact). A child’s parents can be very helpful in keeping her balanced through it all. Sort of. 🙂 It’s a learning curve!
Anna says
Oh, yes. I nearly explained, but thought I had gone on too long. At this point, she’s playacting a crush, and she knew it. We talked about what she wanted from a crush, and it really was exactly the same as a friendship with anyone else- liking the same things, wanting to get to know the person. So that’s where that came from.
We did talk about behavior changing to impress the crush, how it’s better to be herself. Certainly, when the time comes, I’ll do my best to acknowledge her feelings.
Jamie says
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this SUPER important topic. I find that I’ve been thinking about it for days. I wonder sometimes how we’ll handle things with our children (they’re still young 9,7,5). They are in public school so they’ll see a lot of boyfriend/girlfriend relationships esp once middle school starts. Frankly, it starts now since 2 little girls have liked my son and have kissed him (he’s the 7 year old). And one boy (that I know of) has given several hugs to my daughter (the 9 year old). I don’t get upset at an occasional hug, but I do put a stop to it once it escalates and becomes a daily distraction. At any rate… I met my husband so young. I was only 16 and he 19 and we fell in love quickly and deeply. My parents really had no restrictions on me at all. We married when I was finished with school at 23. And we’ve had a lovely life together. Because of how well it all worked out, it is hard for me to have hard-and-fast rules about these things. We were in no way ready to marry at that time. But if we lived in a different era would I have married him at 18? Probably. I really don’t think I could’ve waited for sex any longer than that. I was raised to think that you can’t get married until you’re older, and in my mind that was just way too long to wait. I do cherish that he’s my first kiss and all. I feel a wholeness of spirit that I wonder if other people feel who’ve had more partners. So maybe I just got damn lucky. I met him at a difficult point in my life (as is true for many late teenagers) and he became my best friend. Anyway, there is a part of me that doesn’t want to stifle growing relationships, but I do want to protect my children (and grandchildren). So all this to say, I know I’ll be thinking about this a lot more. I do want to thank your family for blogging since it is encouraging to see that your children have found wonderful spouses and have waited for the right timing.
Polly says
This is a wonderfully sound letter of advice! I agree with you. So much. I was very much an introvert in high school & never dated. College was weird and I did not have the background to navigate the weirdness, but I was serious about my future from the beginning and disregarded potential dates if they seemed too silly/immature/appearance-oriented/etc.; fortunately, I met my husband-to-be pretty early on and never really dated anyone else. He was in a similar boat, and I am so glad that’s how it all worked out for us. THe thing I liked best about my husband is that we both took The Future seriously and were interested in marriage. When I got married I had just turned 22 and was just graduated from college…and getting married a couple of years before that would have been so good for me/us. We’ll celebrate 15 happy years this October!
I’m so glad my parents were not interested in letting me date in high school. My husband and I have had several talks over the years about this because EVERY high school/teenage relationship that was very serious that I knew about that later dissolved (most of them) left massive scars.
There’s a lot to say about the current trend of perpetual adolescence, the idea that you have to be financially ‘ready’ to get married or have children (“if you wait until you have enough money you’ll never have children” my father-in-law told me), etc. Dating seems like a big part of this–it allows the delaying of marriage and establishing a family life indefinitely, especially if all physical and emotional “needs” are getting met via the dating. (Which I doubt, but our culture thinks it does.)
Margaret Mumford says
Leila, I think you should go on a speaking tour about dating/courting, I’m sure you would draw a large crowd. I shared this with my friends on FB and the Mom’s loved it. Now we just have to convince the teens! Thank you for sharing your wisdom and experience.
Maria says
Lelia’s approach is what we have used with our children, and so far, so good. If they counter with, “Mom, dating is just going to a movie or pizza!” Then this analogy should help: Imagine if your father said he was dating another woman? Or Fr. Pastor was dating a woman in the parish? Immediate Shock and Horror! Instinctively they know that dating is for people who are able to marry, then it is easy to take them to the next step of READY to marry.