Still here, still waiting! Sukie is very patient and willing to walk, squat, and keep her mind on lots of things other than baby coming. Well, I'm sure her mind is on that, but she's hanging in there. Babies come eventually!
Meanwhile, let's do another Ask Auntie Leila, because, why not? There is that form there on the exciting new menu tabs!! I can already tell that it's going to be a while before I can get to all the questions, so thanks for being patient.
{I don't know what makes me think that plain old “answering questions from people who figured out how to email” me won't be slow enough, but I have to go adding another way.}
Luckily, the answer to this question is — ta-da! The whole entire Like Mother, Like Daughter blog!
So this will be easy.
Okay, let's go.
Auntie Leila,
How do I home school without losing my mind? I was home schooling previously but it just got to be too much. I was constantly anxious about everything- getting the school done, if it was enough, if we were behind, the housework, my marriage… I had no time to care for myself and I was always behind on everything. Eventually the anxiety got to be too much; our house felt like a pit of negativity and no one enjoyed being here. After I had a few panic attacks we decided to enroll our children in the local public school.
Having the children in public school this past year has been wonderful in some respects- I have been able to exercise, which I have found indispensable to reducing my anxiety, I have been able to manage our home better, I have laughed more, smiled more, and the general mood of our family has been lifted.
However, the public school curriculum leaves a lot to be desired. I am not sure my children even learned anything new this year. They seem to spend a lot of time watching movies and TV in school. They don't teach cursive. They are expected to do vast amounts of writing at a very young age. They don't read good books. They couldn't even manage to get my son a copy of Peter Pan when he asked for it- but they have all the Twilight books in the library! There have been a lot of good things about them being in school, but some of the bad things are too big to ignore anymore. I think we need to home school again.
So, how do I home school without losing my mind? We live in a remote area and with gas over $1.35/L (over $5/gallon!) we can't do much travelling. There is no local community. Homeschooling for us is extremely socially isolating. We have no co-op. No friends who home school close by. Nothing. I am very, very afraid that I will end up in a bad place emotionally again. I don't want my kids to hate their childhood because we were all held prisoner in this house full of negativity.
Love,
Anna (not her real name)
Dear Anna,
Ah, yes, that moment when you realize that you are clinging to the cliffs by your very fingernails. Why mess things up? And then niggling doubt starts grabbing at your heels, you try to kick it away, and you feel your grip loosening…
What to do, what to do.
Of course, Auntie Leila can't and won't tell you that you must homeschool. That would be overstepping even her broad mandate to meddle. She would never.
And we all love our sanity! It's hard won, Lord knows. If indeed we can be said to possess it, even now…
Well, here's the thing. You've found something out. That is, a reasonably orderly house and a certain amount of attention to one's own needs are pretty important for those who are engaged in serving others. Everyone is different, but there is a certain kind of person who rather tends to entropy in some matters… so, well done.
I really mean it. We're not talking about how important a three-martini lunch is to your equilibrium, or how necessary regular trips to the spa have become to maintaining your glow. We're just talking basics.
You have to be the person who has enough oxygen in your system to be able to put the mask on the face of your child (not that the airplane cabin is losing pressure, necessarily, and spiraling out of control into the sea of disaster or anything… but sometimes it does feel that way).
I've also tried to convince you that no matter how you educate your children, your home has to be a kind of environment that inspires wonder. It isn't so much about your curriculum as about the way you live. Even if you homeschool, to be effective you need to give up on wondering if it's enough — if you've “done enough school.”
You have to rely on the home itself — and the creativity of all of you and just, well, what you like!
But I've also given you plenty of ideas about how to attain a really demanding curriculum, in a way that maybe helps you see the big picture. I hope so.
You, dear Anna, in particular, have to face the isolation. Possibly you could do something about it. Things change — have you prayed to find friends? Things have changed so quickly that in places where no one ever had an unconventional thought in their head, suddenly everyone has had enough and is heading for the hills.
But possibly you would indeed be alone. It may be that God will give you the grace to somehow enjoy your kids and your activities just as they are.
But maybe the community that the school provides is something you can't do without. And that means that you will have to use all your wits to provide what your children need in other ways — and likely, friends will be the key to being successful even there. Making your little pocket is how you will get your children through.
So really, your question is about your own goals and your fears. Only you can set up the one to assuage the other. Once you've identified your goals — with your husband! — then you have to assume that God will provide the necessary means, including the sanity.
Well, maybe He wants us to lose our sanity after all!
It certainly does seem like it, more often than not. I suppose we should be willing to hand that over as well, along with everything else. I am not being facetious! I really mean it. What the world calls reasonable care might to God be just the very thing He'd like us to abandon — that is, if by “reasonable” they mean that they get to decide that our children's moral life is up for grabs.
It is possible so to arm our children that they can make it through. It only works if it's what He wants. And the only way to find out is to rely on the grace of our very own marriage to guide us. Don't forget that your marriage is your credential when it comes to educating your children. You can trust in that.
So read all those posts and see what you think. It may be that the only way is to keep them home. It may be that you will decide to keep them in school for another year, relying on home to be a haven. Either way, the home is the place for order and wonder. Enjoy each other!
Anne says
Dear Auntie Leila, It seems like your “Dear Auntie” posts lately have been tailored to me! 4 and 5 year old boys and now homeschooling. Sheesh. Thanks for your insights.
I think this book on unschooling has a lot of good things to say about homeschooling. Each chapter is a profile of a different homeschooling family. Which really illustrates how different homeschooling looks in different families. Some embrace “unschooling” more than others (one family allowed their middle schooler to stop doing math!!) but really their definition of unschooling seems more like embracing a spirit of wonder than not teaching or planning for school. It also talks a lot about St Therese and St John Bosco and what they said about teaching, which is very gentle and kind and loving and heartening.
http://www.amazon.com/Little-Way-Homeschooling-Suzie-Andres/dp/0983180008/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1403695744&sr=1-1&keywords=the+little+way+of+homeschooling
Donna L. says
Dear Auntie Leila, thank you for this! Our homeschool year has been difficult, but we are almost done…after an extended gardening break early this spring for a month, we are nearing “the last day”. I am looking forward to more of the wonder, because I do feel that we need to get a certain amount of “academic stuff” accomplished to call it a year. I had the benefit of training to be a school teacher before our children were here, but I sometimes feel that I must sidestep and ignore that training which was focused so much on crowd-control…the formal training sometimes feels more of a detriment, and doesn’t really *fit* with what we are trying to do in our family
Dear Anna, thank you for writing in to this forum–it really helped me to keep on keeping on…there are really difficult days, and I, too, have prayed for, and not found friends for my children…yet….we tried several families, and for one reason or another found big reasons to let those friendships go for the better of us all. I will add you, and your family to our rosary for discernment, and friendship! God bless you all!
Auntie Leila and Sukie: hang in there…it won’t be much longer now!
Lisa says
“Anna”, it definitely sounds like you are not happy with the public school, but I understand your feelings of isolation and anxiety. As Leila said, you have already learned some valuable lessons. You have the one year of homeschooling to look back upon for reflection and you have your new-found exercise that is very important! I have been under chronic stress and finally started walking daily for 30 minutes. I’m addicted already! Can you do that where you are, without having to drive anywhere (gas money)? Can you arrange either weekly or bi-weekly outings to have to look forward to? If you do homeschool, try to embrace the home front so as to not feel isolated. Garden with the kids, do small landscaping or house projects together. Stay busy! There’s so much to do in and around the home. Can you arrange for friends or family to come to your home even once a month? Something to look forward to might help. I understand your feelings. I’ve been sort of sweating these decisions as well, as I will be homeschooling four boys this fall. Our little Catholic school was “Christ centered” but also “party central” and I felt like I needed a degree from the Culinary Institute of America to send them there. Parties, emails, fieldtrips, annoying projects and reports all the time….ugh! I’m really looking forward to the future. And here’s a tip, literally take notes when reading Auntie’s homeschooling posts. It helped me for sure! We have homeschooled before and I’ll say I learned from my mistakes! But “Anna”, you also said you are “very, very afraid” and that is not good (as in nobody would want you to homeschool if you are not feeling well). I’ve been there! I’m repeating Leila, but talk to your husband and pray, and literally take notes from Leila. If it doesn’t feel like the right time this year, maybe next year? I’m sorry this is so long!
Tamara says
Anna, I just want to say that I will be praying for you. I also live in a remote area with no homeschooling community (you dont happen to be in NE do you? 😉 But in any case, I understand the loneliness and isolation. I want you to know that you are not alone in this experience, and that others will be praying for you to have peace, joy, and community.
Amy says
I so appreciate your advice! Thank you!
Mamabearjd(Michelle) says
I really appreciate the community supporting and praying for each other. I get really disappointed (and mad!) when I see women fighting in the comments on other Catholic blogs.
A long time ago I left a comment here about my sadness in sending my kids back to school, because I didn’t like the environment at the school. Leila and others really lifted me up. Circumstances (from prayer, I’m sure) led us to homeschooling the next year, which is right for us, for now. I will pray that you will be able to discern what’s best, and with peace and joy!
Mamabearjd(Michelle) says
I also wanted to add that I love the new tabs! I’ve been reading for years and still like to go back for things I missed, or maybe skimmed because we hadn’t reached that bump in the road of parenting yet. Thanks to everyone for organizing!
Kate says
I’ve been homeschooling for 20 years and have 10 more to go. Despite this, I’ve also joked (but half seriously) to my husband that when I was all done I was going to write the “I Hate Homeschooling” book (which would be a companion to his “I Hate NFP” book). I’m not prone to fear or anxiety, more like frustration and not feeling on top of things. I have liked having my kids at home. We’ve developed a strong bond, especially since my husband works at home. A friend said recently that this homeschooling thing wouldn’t be so bad if you left out the “schooling” part. She said if she could spend her days being mommy instead of teacher, it would be great! So, all I can say is that for me homeschooling did get easier as my kids got older (that is, I had more help around the house) and I formed my schooling around my home and family and quit trying to cram our life around someone else’s curriculum. I can’t say I LOVE homeschooling, but it hasn’t killed me and I haven’t lost my sanity. At 51, I actually feel pretty mellow.
As far as the isolation goes, pray about it. Really. It’s not too little a matter to place before God. You might be sent (or be sent to) a great community of friends. Or God might be asking you to endure the isolation as character formation. There are Catholic friends in our small town who homeschool, but I haven’t connected strongly with any of them. I don’t have a best girlfriend. Most of my kids didn’t have close friends until they went away to Catholic colleges. My younger kids have friends they play with occasionally, but no one they’d miss terribly if we moved. It has forced them to develop hobbies (like music) to keep them occupied and they’ve excelled at those. I also think my husband and I have a very close friendship because of our isolation. So there are benefits to being alone and free of distractions.
Jenna says
As always, there is so much wisdom here. I was most struck by your comment about giving over your *sanity* to The Lord. I have struggled with mental health problems since adolescency, and it has been a real obstacle to my confidence in homeschooling. (My oldest just turned 5.) I have never real considered taking the obstacle to prayer! I usually just think on, and agonize, about schedules, curriculum choices and the like, instead of coming to God and saying “here are my inadequacies, if you want me to do this, please help me through my depression.”
Wow.
Kate says
Wow, I could be Anna, word for word! I will be pulling 2 of mine out of school this year. I am totally worried as I am still not sane and have no order in the home. Isolation, yes.
I do love that “offering up your sanity” sacrificing it.. A wise priest told me that my sufferings can make up for what I am unable to do for my children, that has always been a comfort. (I can’t hardly look at my children today, let alone pray the rosary with them because I feel so bad. Offered up, this can be just as efficacious as a prayer or religious instruction, it can save their souls and that’s all that matters!)
Adele says
We are blessed that we live very rurally but we also have many amazing homeschool families around us. Just a bit on a few things that have worked for us. We barter, eggs or milk for childcare. Obviously not everyone has livestock but you could bake cookies or bread or homemade pickles (which are shockingly easy to make). Our lives revolve around our home, we garden and have animals, we have practical projects that make things that we actually need (ie not crafts). We don’t get bored even though we only leave the house maybe once or twice a week. Don’t think your kids friends need to be their age. Some of my littles ones best friends and teachers are in their seventies. Their grandkids are far away and they love to have the opportunity to teach and enjoy my children, this is so so common in rural communites. Ask an elderly woman at mass to teach your kids to sew or garden or bake and they will get really excited. Of course this source of community is there whether you homeschool or not, as are the best friends and protectors good books. Good luck on your journey.
Amanda says
Such a thoughtful post. We’re planning on homeschooling our kiddos (or at least starting off homeschooling and taking it a year at a time). Haha, just in that statement alone you can see my commitment with a side of leave the door open just in case. Because we aren’t actively schooling now, the idea of it gets overwhelming. I love your calming tone throughout this post and look forward to reading the posts linked up! Also, loving the encouraging comments and community here!
Amelia says
This is probably something Anna’s already thought about, but I wanted to throw it out there since I didn’t see it mentioned directly: In many areas, public schools are legally required to offer the option of “part-time” school for homeschoolers. For instance, I’ve known kids who went to school only in the afternoon and had things like art class and science lab and band practice. Most or all core academics were done at home. For some people, this would only heap madness upon madness, though – just having the midday dropoff or pickup might be too much, and heaven forbid having many kids on different schedules!
Another possible “middle ground” would be homeschooling some kids and publicly schooling. Perhaps the younger one(s) could stay home, or the less-suited to classrooms by virtue of personality, or whoever. Again, this wouldn’t solve every problem, but just some food for thought.
Elizabethanne628 says
Oh Anna! I am praying for you. A few years ago when I had a new baby and just quit my job (and I realized my work friends weren’t actually friends…), I remember having a moment when I realized I didn’t know a single mom with a baby in my area, not even one with whom I wasn’t friends. I didn’t know my neighbors, and I literally had. no. friends. except those who lived far away. While a phone call chat can be great comfort, it just isn’t the same as sipping tea together, and I then I realized that if I didn’t have friends, my kids might not either. I prayed about it a lot. I even sheepishly asked Our Lady once, “Will you be my friend at least?”. I had a stage that felt sort of like dating where I did reach out to people at church and neighbors. I had a lot of bad friend dates. I cried. I felt lame. That was almost five years ago. Now, I have a few friends that are good friends and a nice social network of friendly people I know. It happened without me realizing because I did eventually embrace being alone. I started playing the piano again. I took a lot of walks with my baby and then babies. I found time to join a Bible Study at our church (which is 30 minutes from our home, and gas is expensive here, too, so I totally get it). I guess my point is that some seasons of life are more solitary and if that isn’t what you want, pray pray pray and keep your head up. Smile. Chat. Friends or at least one good one will surface. God bless you!