We are here, waiting for this baby, so I thought I'd do an Ask Auntie Leila, as there seems to be a veritable epidemic of boys out there who are misbehaving in a major way. It's funny how the emails I get definitely go in waves. Right now we are apparently experiencing the result of some crazy alignment of stars or something, five years ago, because these boys are giving their moms a hard time.
The basic question is as follows (I'm going to compress them into one, as this topic does seem to be of general interest):
Dear Auntie Leila,
My oldest child, a boy, is turning five. (Alternately, “My third child and first boy is almost five.” Once in a while, “my daughter” but not usually.) My husband and I have been really frustrated with his behavior lately. I will try not to exaggerate, since he really is a sweet boy when he wants to be, but most of the time he is disobedient, disrespectful, untruthful, and lately getting into mischief that seemed he was beyond creating a long time ago. For example, lately I can't trust him to go to the bathroom on his own without his getting into the toothpaste or unrolling all the toilet paper. The other day, left alone for 10 min., he got into my make-up and drenched himself in my perfume and used my eyeliner for war paint. These are the sorts of things he used to do, and what I would expect his two younger brothers to do when unsupervised, but I thought he was past that stage. He seems to be reverting.
When he misbehaves, we send him to his room or spank him.
The other day he bit his baby sister, then argued with me about it, then got a swat for the biting/arguing, then he threw a temper tantrum because he was mad he got a swat so was sent to his room, and then that kid had the nerve to sneak around the corner and throw little rocks at me because he was mad he had been punished for biting! Things will just keep escalating like this until he gets to a point where he's a sobbing little mess who needs to be picked up and cuddled because he has reached the pit of despair. Then he gets the talk about why what he did was wrong, and about making good decision, etc. etc. He will sincerely apologize, and yet somehow, this never seems to deter him the next time. Next time means in five minutes!
I want to put him in front of the TV just to get a break. I am at my wits' end. I am worried about the effect of all this misbehavior on my other children!
Help!
Concerned, Desperate, etc. etc.
Dear Concerned and Desperate,
Clearly you are not alone. Auntie Leila's inbox is here to attest to that! Some little boys are naughty as a matter of course, and it all reaches a peak between the ages of four and five! As much as this is a developmental stage for the little blighter, it's one for you as well. You are leaving the stage of your life where you basically move toddlers through their day (or, in the case of the older children being girls, have enjoyed a time of rather inward-directed energy) and into a somewhat frightening realm where the subjects are discovering that they are autonomous and they are going to make the most of it.
What worries you is that this child will be a delinquent reports of whom get shared on Facebook. You are sure you won't be around to read them, having expired from the effort required to manage him. You are beat.
But don't worry. Things will be all right! Your heedless five-year-old will be your strong and considerate seventeen-year-old. I realize it's a long row to hoe, but hopefully it helps to know that things get better!
At any stage, always apply the first line of defense that I outlined in the whining post. Do read it. No matter what the age (mothers of teens, take note!), no matter who the difficult person in question might be (mothers, it might be you!), make sure that they are getting enough sleep and enough food! Make sure the day is structured and has plenty of outdoor time and little or no screen time. Give him more breakfasts and more rocks to break (= swimming lessons, moving wood, and anything that tires him out!).
What I really want to talk to you about, though, is to make sure that you have the alpha roles well in hand in your family. When a child becomes demanding, it's all too easy to let him become the lynchpin of all activity — we find ourselves referring everything to him and always checking to see that his reactions are okay. Even just making sure he behaves can cause all the energy in the family to revolve around him.
Since only certain animals are capable of being the alphas, keeping things straight makes the others feel secure, and that security is reflected in their subsequent behavior, which becomes much more calm, once the ranks are established.
How does this translate to human behavior in a family? It's important that you and your husband talk to each other without paying too much attention to the children — at least sometimes! It's important that you, the alpha pair, are taking care of business and not having things revolve around the children in the sense that you look at them as you do something, let them interrupt you, take care of them first, etc.
Take care of the foundation — you and your husband. Sometimes (it isn't possible all the time, of course — all the more reason to make the effort at least once in a while), put him first, answer him first, ask him what he'd like, etc. And he tries, at least a good portion of the time, to show you the same deference.
Now, once that is cleared up, you can go on to the actual transgressions.
If your boy says something rude, you can just ignore him. Little by little you can let him know that he has to speak appropriately. It's not necessary to react to every infraction! Whatever you do, do it swiftly. Don't let him wear you down. Either set him straight or let it go.
You can also just say, “Daddy is going to take care of this.” (Discuss it beforehand with your husband and make sure he's on board, will come home on the early side if you ask him, and in general will be the heavy. He should take it very seriously and very calmly — no ranting and very little talking. He should just say, “Son, I am disappointed that you did something so naughty. Biting is a nasty thing for a big boy to do to his little sister. You are her protector. Now come get your punishment.” Then he should leave him alone for about 20 minutes and then give him a hug and go on without dwelling on it. Later, and completely unrelatedly, he should tell him that he is proud of him for some good act towards his sister.)
It isn't so much naughtiness that you should be working on as helping him to gain awareness of others and how he is affecting them. Wait before you react. If he says something disrespectful, WAIT. Let it sink in. Then calmly say, “That was disrespectful. Speak more respectfully.”
Also, be very sure that you are not speaking about him when he can hear. Recently, I have noticed moms commenting on their child's behavior — “John is really behaving so badly today and I don't know what to do with him!” –in his presence. Just don't do it. It's highly destructive. I'm sure you don't.
Instead, give him hugs and cuddles — on your own terms. I like to say, be strict and warm!
I will say that if you hang in there, don't look to him for affirmation, keep your standards, and don't get upset when things go wrong (at least most of the time — Auntie Leila knows that mistakes happen even in the best regulated families), you will find that it will be okay. Children do go through stages and he is at the stage where he does need to start interacting with others and getting his rough edges rubbed off.
Anne says
What are you knitting Sukie? It looks awesome. Do you feel like the blog is watching you not have your baby???
Sukie says
It’s a sweater for Dino. Probably for the winter when he’s two…everything I knit turns out too big!
Sara says
Great advice! I so wish you had been around to dispense wisdom to me when I had 5 year-old boys! My youngest boy is now 15 and he was a devilish sort, always into trouble or making weapons out of something, but he’s a sweet young man, now. That’s probably because I didn’t have the energy to get into battles with him!
Enjoy the Babywatch and the Babymoon! It’s a precious time with your mom, Sookie.
Leila says
Sara, so much better not to battle!
Kathy@9peas says
Leila, this article is of great value! As you know, I have 8 boys and I can attest to your first piece of advice – make sure they are well rested and well fed. Everything, all efforts are for not if those two pieces of the puzzle are missing. I also learned a long time ago that even little boys need to have work, nothing unreasonable but a very “Your help is valued” type of structure. Such as, please pull the weeds in this section of the garden, please move these rocks from here to here and then lots of praise as they go about the job.
Your advice about act don’t react – ABSOLUTELY!! There are no perfect formulas for parenting, and children will misbehave even under the best circumstances, do not parent from a place of embarrassment, ever. The motive always has to be directed towards the child, not about making the parent look good. I have found that my boys have thrived with that simple guideline. I was a young mother when the boys started coming one after another and can admit to being a bit focused on myself in those early days. I had an attitude adjustment while watching older more seasoned mothers and truly learned that this parenting journey wasn’t about me at all. Boys, thrive and grow and blossom into wonderful teenagers when your focus is actually on your marriage and the family as a whole. Thank you again and again for writing these pieces, they mean the world to me!
Leila says
Thank you, Kathy — I feel like if you, a mom of 9 — 8 boys!!! — approve, then my work here is done!
You put your finger on it — so much of our panic stems from a feeling that we will fail. You have to have confidence to set out on this journey — and a little practical common sense. Get those boys outside and in bed and fed!
Kelsey says
A great post, of course, but what I really want to comment on is Sukie’s smile! When I was waiting to have my baby last summer, I was SUCH a grouch, and really unpleasant to be around. It’s inspiring to see you persevere in cheerfulness in this trying period, Sukie! Hope that baby comes soon.
Leila says
Kelsey, she is amazingly cheerful!
Barbara says
Great advice, Leila. Like Sara, I wish you had been around (well you WERE around, but not to my knowledge) when my children were little.
I just have two things to add — make sure he has hugs BEFORE he is a hot mess of tears. Not a big production, just a squeeze to know you love him and recognize him. Every child needs different affirmation. And sometimes they are will to be stinkers to get it.
Also, don’t borrow trouble. Don’t look so far down the horizon imagining that you have a little delinquent. Like Leila said, he will be fine, but I know from experience that imagining how bad things are going to get will escalate the situation in your mind, and you’ll end up over reacting.
Barbara says
Meant to say “are willing to be stinkers”
I should proofread. 😉
Leila says
Barbara, thanks! So true.
Natalie H says
I read this post while listening to my five year old scream about time out. We have been having a rough time since school let out, so this was very timely! I will definitely be trying some of your suggestions (starting with giving him another serving of breakfast)!
Thanks! 🙂
Jenny says
My son, after, yes, two girls, is struggling right now. He is nearly four and so desperately wants to run with the big kids, but he still needs more sleep. He won’t sleep if there is any activity in the house and is so cranky as a result. I know what the problem is, but have never been able to figure out how to make a child sleep if he won’t. Some nights he just collapses. One thing I have noticed is if you call him on being disrespectful in a stern, but unemotional way, he is very remorseful.
Leila says
Jenny, maybe you already do this, but I suggest putting him to bed with a clip-on light on the bedstead that he can operate himself. Give him his bath, get him separated from the others with his routine, and then get him in there with a stack of books. “You don’t have to go to sleep, but you do have to stay here quietly.”
Usually nature takes care of the rest.
BUT — catching his sleepy time early enough is of the utmost importance. If you wait, you are sunk.
It’s way harder in the summer, when the late evenings are so much fun, but when you know you are doing it for the good of everyone, you can be firm.
By the way, there are a bunch of fairy tales that convey the idea that different things are necessary for different people. This is the meaning of Goldilocks, I believe, and the Pepper and Salt and Wonder Clock stories have this theme as well.
Monica says
We’re on baby watch here, too! I’m waiting for my fifth, who was due Monday. Since the only other late one was my first, I wasn’t expecting to still be waiting! I feel a bit like a watched pot, I must admit, and my husband does, too. Any time he’s not at his desk at work for more than 30 seconds, when he returns his coworkers all tell him they thought he was going home for labor. It’s getting to the point that he’s seriously considering taking a call, yelling out, “I’m on my way!” and running out the door, only to return a few minutes later with a story about meeting someone for coffee. 🙂 Since I’m usually the one fielding all the inquiries, it’s pretty funny to see it happening to him!
I’ll say a prayer for your wait!
Sukie says
Haha, that is too funny! He should do it!
I went to a work event on Friday night with the Quack. All his coworkers (knowing my due date was Sunday) were begging me not to deliver there at the restaurant. Believe me, people, I don’t want it that way either!!
I will pray for you, too!
Colette says
Wonderful post, and timely, too since I have a 6yr old who is giving me a run for my money. I would be despairing his reaching adulthood and if he did it would only be because he was kept alive in prison, if it wasn’t for the fact that his older brother emerged from the abyss that was his 3 – 6 yrs and we survived. This current 6 yr old is very different from his older brother but every bit as much of a challenge. The alpha stuff makes sense.
Kathryn says
Thank you so much for this! My oldest son in the way that oldest kids are, is sweet, mature, and generally helpful. My second son, 19 months younger, pushes every button I have and some twice. He is six now and we have been dealing with just this for far too long. Thank you for giving me encouragement and a plan of action.
Isabelle says
Dear Sukie, I am right there with you, waiting for my first who doesn’t seem in any kind of hurry. I may have thrown aside my knitting in a tantrum, so be reassured that you are doing much better than I am. Much as I don’t believe it right now, I hear we are NOT going to be pregnant for ever. So they say anyway. 🙂
Sukie says
I’ll believe it when I see it. 😉
Lisa says
Thank you for this. I have a soon to be 2 year old boy, who I just love to pieces, but I can see where these tips will become important as he grows. I have very few women around me who hold strong Catholic values, and this site feels like home.
One question I have, that I have not found on the site yet, pertains to pregnancy. I am currently 7.5 weeks along with our third, and I am finding it very hard to keep up with the house and my children (4.5 year old girl and 2 year old boy). My husband really has stepped in to help with grocery shopping and keeping the house clean, but I am very frustrated with how I am unable to “do my job”. I am just exhausted and nauseous! I know that this time will pass, and the most important thing for me to do is care for the children (all three now!) but I’m having trouble just staying awake during the day. Any tips or reassurance from others mothers? (Sometimes I wish you had a forum!)
Rebekah says
Oh honey. I don’t have any tips– I’m only pregnant with my second, and bumbling along like we all are– but let me encourage you that most of us feel the same way when we’re in the first trimester! I figure that if we have something to eat, and clean clothes, and my daughter is alive at the end of the day, I did my job. Very few pregnant ladies are dynamos of efficiency all the way through. Most of us need to lie on the couch and let things slide for a few months. 🙂 You are very blessed to have an understanding husband, so enjoy it, and accept that you’re just going to be weak and limited for a while. It’s okay! God gives us strength in our weakness and your family will not fall apart.
Leila says
Lisa, this post is my “perspective” post: http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org/2009/01/can-your-new-years-resolutions-take/
Really, it’s a rare mom who hasn’t been in your shoes! Every day, just try to do the minimum! A beautiful prayer is to ask God’s will of you, and then examine what you MUST do. You will receive the grace to do it. It may be only scrambling some eggs or changing a diaper.
If what you MUST do is lie on the sofa while someone does for you, then you will receive the grace to do that.
What more can we do than God’s will, aka “my job”?
Pro tip: Take your iron. Take Floridix — it’s easier on your stomach and comes in a liquid.
Emily M says
I once read an article about how the world places a value on what it termed “masculine energy”–doing, building, etc.– vs. the more passive “feminine energy.” Now, I don’t know what I think about drawing it along gender lines, but the point is, you’re doing a lot right now, even just lying on the couch! Just because your volition isn’t involved, because you’re not sketching up plans to sculpt those little fingers and toes, it seems an awful lot like doing nothing, but in reality, you’re quite busy doing a job for which you are most irreplaceable!
Sarah says
This sounds like wise advice. I wonder how much of it can be adapted to a difficult one-year-old boy. We live in a small, second-story apartment with no back yard, and getting to the park is a rather involved affair, requiring me to carry both children plus a stroller down the steps and then walk nearly a mile with them. I manage to do it pretty much every day, but it is still not enough for my boy, who clearly seems restless, frustrated, and very tantrum-prone.
It is 9 am and he has already: woken up screaming at 4 am and refused to go back to sleep (though sleep training is effective in getting our kids to sleep mostly through the night, it seems to stop working around 4 am); thrown an epic tantrum and hit me in the face because I wouldn’t let him play with the toilet plunger; begged and pleaded to go to the park starting at 6 am, then fell asleep in the Ergo when we were almost there (which means he won’t take his afternoon nap), and woke up from his little nap once we got home and threw a tantrum because I was too tired to immediately walk all the way back to the park.
So, 5-year-olds are even worse, you say? I’m going to look into boarding school (j/k).
Tarynkay says
My heart goes out to you! We found a mini-trampoline helpful at this age when the weather was too nasty to go outside in. They make them for small toddlers and they are worth their weight in gold. It is better than jumping just on the floor b.c it won’t disturb your downstairs neighbors.
If your downstairs neighbors are either understanding or out during the day, turn on some music and have a dance party. If you can’t make as much noise, tell him to wiggle like a snake across the floor.
Also, if you can, give him a few containers of water and just let him sit in the bathtub (or shower stall) and pour things and splash around. A bowl of ice and a bowl of water in the empty bathtub used to buy me at least 45 minutes of occupied toddler.
Leila says
Sarah, don’t react to a one-year old. Act for the best. Go to the playground when it’s the right time to go. A one-year old can’t know what that is.
Try putting him to bed earlier, and make sure he naps. One cause of early waking is not enough sleep, paradoxically.
Figure out his needs and then do what you have to do to meet them according to your status as his mother — not according to what you think he wants at the moment.
I like Tarynkay’s ideas, and there are many more (you can find lots online and here on this board: http://www.pinterest.com/_leila/un-crafty-mom-stuff-kids-like/
Do things by a schedule, and let him know what that schedule is. “Now it’s time for us to X; now it’s time for Y.” Order is your friend, and you will avoid many a difficulty later on if you get him used to the idea that certain things are done at certain times! If, on the contrary, he thinks you will go out the door because he has screamed for it, well, that will cause trouble.
This is a growing experience for you — to distance yourself from him and his wants enough to do what is best for the whole “pack.” Think and pray about it.
Sarah says
Thank you, Auntie Leila. I believe he’s gotten better over the past few weeks thanks to your advice!
Mary says
Wait. How did that email go from my head to your inbox without me typing a thing?? Seriously, dealing with a just turned five year old boy who is making me doubt all my abilities as a mother. And the regression is SO right on. He was doing so great and now I don’t know what happened!! Thank you for the encouragement and advice. I’ve been doing far too much reacting and having my own mom meltdowns as a result of his meltdowns which, clearly makes everything so much better…
Anitra says
Right on! My daughter went through this phase starting around 3 1/2 (which is part of why we decided it was absolutely NECESSARY to send her to preschool), and now I’m seeing early signs of it with my oldest son (also 3 1/2). The whining, the I-thought-you-knew-better misbehaving, etc. It’s tough to create the necessary structure & activity when mom is worn out (last time I had an infant-to-toddler, this time I’m very pregnant like Sukie). BUT! I’m hoping I’ve learned some from the first time around. Clear instructions, useful work, and as much physical activity as I can manage.
One thing I’ve found especially useful in this area is enlisting help to burn off energy – my preference would be for some easy-going teenage/young adult boys. Littles look up to them, and the boys have the energy to keep up with even the most demanding preschooler.
Lacey says
My goodness! I could have written the post in despair. My 5yo boy is acting very un-like himself and we have a baby due in 4 weeks.
Thank you for your wonderful and straight forward advice…it is much appreciated!!!
Katy says
I so needed this. We are in the thick of it with our first, a 4.5 y/o boy who is alternately sweet and …. well, 4.5! What you say about this immense energy now being what will drive his transformation into a strong, considerate young man makes SO much sense to me. I see how it could be directed to go very well or very much otherwise! And I know that not all of that directing work belongs to me; much is left to my husband, my child’s own will, good friends, role models, the Holy Spirit. He is VERY oriented to knowing and internalizing the “right” way of doing things, an inclination I can definitely turn to advantage. But he’s also much inclined to assume (like his mom… ahem) that the “right” way is his OWN way! Anyway, I know I will refer to this again and again, so thank you again and again!
Amanda says
Ha, I have a 5 year old and a 3.5 year old boy and your advice is spot on! You helped me tremendously when my first was being an absolute stinker about bedtime ages ago and it’s really set us up well going into this 5 year old stage. He turns 6 next week and I have to say 5 has been overall very good. I can tell he’s going to test us a bit more at 6 but I can also see that just giving him more work and protecting his outdoor time like you suggested way back when is going to head off a lot of the attitude issues. Lots of sleep and food and a no-nonsense attitude help too of course. My 3.5 year old is entering a new difficult phase (different from the toddler difficulty) and I’m utilizing a lot of the same tactics with him as I did with my older one. It’s wonderful to have this reminder as I am in this stage with two boys at once, because really I think much of this advice applies to boys all the way from 3-6 years old.
If you’re feeling in the mood to give advice…how do you handle the preteen girl emotions? I have a lovely 12 year old adoptive daughter (home 10 months) who has recently gotten terribly moody, especially around *that* time of the month. I remember being the same way at that age but my mother handled it terribly. I want to lovingly support my daughter during this difficult phase, but also temper her overly emotional reactions when they begin to interrupt homeschool lessons and family activities or cross the line into complete rudeness, know what I mean?
Leila says
Amanda, does this help? http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org/2011/04/the12-year-old-girl-six-thoughts/
Mary Keane says
I could have been one of those mothers writing to you about my four-year-old! Summertime with even more physical activity than usual, several nights of later bedtime, and I think even the heat makes for tired children. Perfect storm. Funny how I always forget to think of the physical needs behind the behavior. Thanks for the common sense!
NY Mom says
In our house standing in the corner was such a commonly issued penalty that it was referred to as being put on “spider patrol”. Not that it has anything to do with my not dusting or anything… 😉
Donna L. says
Oh, I just LAUGHED at this! “Spider patrol” is something we have here in the woods, too.
We have ants coming in one spot of our home, and the kids thought they were really interesting until one bit someone on the finger…thanks for sharing the smile!
Anne says
As a mother and grandmother I say HOGWASH! This is terrible parenting advice. Children are not naughty. They might do things that we, as an adult do not like, but they are not naught. You need to read [redacted — not a helpful link– Auntie Leila] Saying that you should spank a child…..not biblical at all. 🙁
I have been the mother of a couple of little five year old boys. This is an interesting time in their lives, they are transitioning between being little and growing up. They are curious as to all that life has for them. Let them explore, give them games to play, challenges to overcome, and make them feel important. Let them live. The more relaxed we are, the more relaxed they are. I realized that when we got to our younger children and wished I had known it when my adults were little.
Leila says
Haha, Anne, well, you probably already did all the right things without having to agonize over it.
Interestingly, *I* do not recommend spanking in this post — although I am in favor of spanking a child on whom other means of discipline are not having an effect.
http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org/2013/08/less-exasperated-or-two-rules-that/
Kate Wicker says
I’ve pretty much given up on blogs (as well as blogging for the most part) because I was starting to feel like social media was just sucking time as well as confidence from me. Far too often reading wisdom from other moms (who had more children than I did, homeschooled, sewed, and just sort of were amazing) left me feeling inadequate or deflated. However, a friend encouraged me to read one and only one blog – yours! Of course, I knew of this website and have visited intermittenly, but now I’ve subscribed and this is the blog (along with one other) that I read regularly. It is so helpful to have this kind of centered advice that is both practical and compassionate to the weary mama who is just struggling to make through one more minute of her jam-packed day.
I have girls and a boy, but much of your advice and insight would apply to my girls who have gone through very challenging phases. My kids are full of life and energy – “spicy” as Jen Hatmaker would decribe it (http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2013/08/29/hope-for-spicy-families), but I remind myself that life would be pretty boring if they weren’t loud, effusive, prone to histrionics, and stubborn. It certainly keeps me on my toes – and on my knees in prayer!
I also passed this post along to a dear friend who has a delightful boy who does challenge her. She thanked me and said it was just what she needed and so very wise, so thank you for encouraging so many moms out there!
God bless!
Robin says
Yes, this is my “one” blog, too! So real and encouraging. Thank you, Auntie Leila and girls! And prayers for Sukie and family!
Donna L. says
Thank you Auntie Leila, for such a thoughtful and helpful post! I didn’t realize you were able to read minds and figure out problems *I* was having on the opposite coast of our country!
Great advice and thank you SO MUCH for all the great ideas and common sense reminders about food and sleep…I know it even makes me easier to be around for our family! God bless you!
Mrs. Pickles says
I see from the comments that there are many of us tearing our hair out over our sons. 🙂 Mine isn’t getting-into-trouble naughty — he just gets really nasty towards his younger brothers and bullies them mercilessly. We’re trying to instill in him the idea that they are people too, not toys, and that his responsibility and honor is to use his strength to defend them. The lesson hasn’t completely sunk in yet, but he only just turned 6. 🙂 He can be a really sweet and affectionate boy in between times, so I know the bullying is a fault that he will either outgrow, or a tendency he will be battling all his life. Either way, we’re trying to give him tools now to help him master himself.
I’ve learned that being hungry is his enemy. When he’s hungry he just can’t control himself. And he knows this about himself, which is a gift! When my dad gets hungry, he just gets really sleepy and grouchy. (It’s a good thing he has my mom to take care of him.) 🙂
Thank you for validating what I already suspected and have been trying to do!
I’m grateful too for the bit about being the alpha pair. I realized that’s why our family dinners have been so unpleasant — we’re letting the kids dominate the table. I’m sending my husband the link to this post so we can have a good discussion about some better strategies for showing that we’re the boss. 🙂
Off topic: who’s playing Rameau?? I love “The Echo of the Birds” — have you learned that one yet? Highly recommend! I first heard it on a CD collection by Chris O’Riley of the radio show “From the Top.” It’s a pity Rameau’s music isn’t more widely known — it’s so lovely.
Heather says
Thank you for all of the encouraging advice! I have been feeling frustrated lately and this really helped me to take a step back. And the sleep reminder was much needed. I think that I was too tired to remember :).
Kristi says
Auntie Leila, I’m somewhat new to your blog and I’ve been soaking up your posts and finding them so helpful, thank you! I have so many questions I want to bombard you with, but I’ll try to stick to one pressing one for now. 😉 Could the advice in this post be mostly applied to an almost 3.y.o. boy as well, or is it too “advanced”? I know I need to work on my own self-control and temper (I certainly do), but I’ve been having a harder time with our toddler lately, especially when it comes to things like picking on or hurting his younger brother, who is not quite a year old, but also in his sometimes being persistently disobedient. He can also be very sweet and thoughtful, but the hard moments can be very exasperating and exhausting for me. Thank you in advance for any advice! (I’m also happy for you to just point me to another post if you’ve already written on this! 🙂 Thanks!!)
Leila says
Kristi, it’s very normal for a 3yo to be exasperating! Don’t worry. Things get better when you see the long game, remember to check for bedtimes and food needs, and in general try not to get right down into the weeds with him.
Have you seen this post?
http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org/2009/07/ask-auntie-leila-i-dont-want-to-be/
Maybe it will help. Check out the discipline posts in general and the self-control post as well. The categories are on the sidebar! I am in the process of trying to organize things better!
Kristi says
“… try not to get right down into the weeds with him.”
You’ve hit the nail on the head! This is just exactly one of the ways I’ve been going wrong. And thank you for the additional link – I may have read and re-read that other post four times now trying to commit the advice to memory. 🙂 Thanks so much! I know you’ve heard it before, but please do write a parenting book (in all your spare time …)!
tinadzurisin says
Sigh. That bit about not talking about a child’s misbehavior in front of him: I am SO guilty!!! I don’t usually do it in exactly the manner you described, but I often talk about general disciplinary problems and brainstorm solutions with my husband, my parents and friends … when the kids are within earshot. My question is: How/when do you discuss these types of issues with other adults without the kids hearing if the kids are almost always around? My oldest is just three, my second is two and my baby is, well, a baby, so I think I’ve thought it would be fine because they’re so little, but my oldest two are definitely sharp and aware of whatever I am saying. 😔
Leila says
Tina, the children need to not be around all the time. They need quiet rest time during the day and early bedtimes — for their own sake and for the sake of adult life in the evening (just a little peace and quiet before you go to bed!).
And that’s when you talk about their behavior.
You also develop “oblique talking” where you say things without saying them, using euphemisms and indirect locutions so that the comments actually do go over their heads. But yes, don’t underestimate their listening skills!