{This post is so long. As you can tell, dear reader, I've struggled to get it here, and finally I've given up on making it short. Please read right to the end before commenting, though! The post with the other two secrets is here — they are not as tricky to navigate as this one, but they still aren't easy to do, am I right?}
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For reasons I won't explore at the moment, but which have to do with me growing up in a time and place where a great number of bad ideas collided, bursting into uncounted shards and splinters of poisoned yet undetectable debris lodging in the hearts of innocent victims and rendering them deeply suspicious of everything that was hitherto regarded as simply normal, I assumed from a very young age that responsible people use birth control; only irresponsible, sex-crazed yet also repressed– and mainly Catholic– people do not.
I took this position for granted — and as far as I could tell, everyone around me did too — the way people assume such super obvious things as that more money is better than less money; or being appreciated for your accomplishments is simply your due; or that pursuing higher education is better than not pursuing it and automatically makes you a better person.
I'm trying to say that it wasn't a matter of making an effort to believe this. I knew nothing else. I knew no large families or even any happy families that I could see (fortunately I did encounter some in books). I accepted the birth control axiom the way everyone accepts that we are all progressing to a loftier state than the one allotted to our predecessors, those sad downtrodden unwashed who remain in the Dark Ages while the rest of us sail into the Age of Aquarius (also unwashed, but for indefinably higher, hipp(i)er reasons), and without the burden of progeny.
Then, after my meeting with a Person, I read something that changed my mind. What I read was simply a statement that the Catholic Church teaches otherwise. It's a good thing to question authority, as I had been raised to do (by every means from ubiquitous bumper stickers to assigned reading), unless the authority in question is absolutely trustworthy — in which case it's dumb.
I also got the arguments from nature and from Scripture that went along with this stunning development (in my mind, not in the universe), although they weren't as important to me as the knowledge that the authority that Jesus established teaches otherwise.
It may not come as a surprise to you that although my mind was willing, my flesh — or, let's say, my instincts and practical ability — were not up to the task. You might even say that my mind tottered to think that I, a bride of 19, could certainly end up with a couple of dozen children! To say I was scared would be to vastly understate the nature of my panic, which was rather comprehensive.
Yet, 34 years later, here I am with merely seven children, and what forethought could not encompass, experience has.
So allow me to try to sum it all up in the form of my third secret to destruction-proofing your family.
Husband and wife, embrace your mission as the king and queen of your little kingdom, your family — and enjoy, when you want to, what we may quaintly and not without relief from the pressure of modern unconstraint refer to as the marital embrace — simply accepting the children God sends you as the gift that they are.
I told you that my third secret to destruction-proofing your family* was a doozy!
But I had to tell you, just in case you, like me, had never thought this was an option. I had to tell you in case you had never heard about this possibility anywhere else. I had to at least bring it up, so that you would know that it can be done.
This oughtn't to be, yet is — in this day of a sad lack of collective memory — a hard saying. So, if indeed you are still with me after the shock, let me point out a few things you might not have thought of.
1. Things haven't worked out the way the contraception boosters predicted. Even a quick survey would take volumes and be far outside of the scope of this post, but suffice it to say that I wouldn't need to tell you secrets to protect your family's very existence — and you wouldn't anxiously remind me to finish up the list — if things weren't bad. It’s the sense of looming and indeed present disaster that we can’t shake, even with the brazen promises of modern science.
Everyone spends a lot of time trying to assure us that things are not that bad and are about to be truly wonderful, but if we look at one simple metric, a child's security growing up 60 years ago in an intact family (the strongest predictor of health and success and happiness that there is) vs. today, there is no question that things are spiraling downward without much hope of rescue.
2. Contraception isn't magic, although we always talk as if it is.
There are two kinds of contraception: the kind that doesn't really work at all to prevent pregnancy, and the kind that works at a tremendous cost.
Of the latter, there are two kinds: the kind that works (only not always; certainly not always over time) because it chemically alters the woman's body in frightening ways, rendering it inhospitable to the child; and the kind that mutilates the body (and still doesn't always work!). And then there is abortion, evil mop-up squad of failed contraception.
No, not magic.
So that way is going to be inherently bitter. It will take its toll. It is a bargain with the enemy.
3. Despite most of us seeing the reality of #1 all around us and wrestling with #2, we almost can't help ourselves giving — when our own case is involved — what is as reflexive a response as a tap on the knee with a rubber hammer: “Auntie Leila, what about the need to limit family size?”
Baby resistance.
Maybe the words of a wise priest I know will help put this into perspective. He told me that in his (long) experience, most couples sought his help (with Natural Family Planning**) due to their inability to have children.
In other words, if we removed the near-universal use of birth control, we would not see every couple having the maximum amount of children posited by a biology textbook and popular imagination. Although that is what the purveyors of contraceptives would like us to think (because after all, they are selling something), the reality is otherwise.
Like everything else, there's a curve to it if you put it on a graph. Some couples, yes, would have a lot of children. Some would have none. And the majority would fall somewhere along the curve, having maybe two to five children. I don’t know — I’m certainly not intimating that I have any hard data here — but neither does anyone else, so maybe we should just think about it.
Just think of all the variables, even without counting the fertility of each of the spouses (which also have to combine the right way): age when they get started, illness, separation (like work and deployments, not talking about getting mad at each other), accidents, and the almost completely forgotten natural, built-in mechanism of breastfeeding that spaces babies.
I've gotten many emails from readers asking me what I think about having another child, or how you know if you are ready for another child. I always reply, “How do you know that you will have another child?”
What if you could see your life from God's perspective, and could know that He would only send you one more child? Or none? Would you act differently? Yet all the medical advice we get, all the advice from relatives and friends, is premised on the opposite assumption: You will get pregnant if you don't take steps to prevent it. Well, real life (even conditioned as it is today) says otherwise. There are folks on that other end of the curve — what if they are you?
4. Is a child actually something to be resisted? If we are going to be questioning things, can we start here? I think that when we collectively agreed that marriage can be taken or left, we made the child the scapegoat, the locus of all our anxiety. But in the context of the family, the child is always pure gift. Get rid of something else if you are struggling, before you put up a defense against the child. You were a child…
When you step away from that little matrix of assumptions — that you will get pregnant without constant “protection” and that a baby is somehow, on some fundamental level, something you should resist — you might catch a glimpse of the heap of consequences of not implementing my secret (which, after all, is God's plan for marriage):
- The constant pressure of worrying that a child will derail your plans or make you poorer or sicker.
- The constant anxiety of worrying that your method of preventing conception will fail.
- The wear and tear on your relationship with each other — not, perhaps, quite noticeable when you are in your twenties, but in that second decade, starting to show — as you approach each and every encounter with an underlying sense of repelling the inner meaning of your actions.
It's this last element that I think no one really discusses. Unless you've lived through it — the days and years of running past each other to get to soccer practices and dance recitals and meetings of the planning board, shift changes and overtimes and bosses' unreasonable requests, the flu going through the house and operations and a bout with cancer — it's hard to explain that marriage isn't the simple cost-benefit calculation between sex and babies it looks like when you are very young.
Most people assume that you'll have your two-point-zero children and then you will only have to cope with the above for a few years, and then it's Easy Street for the two of you. But is that how it works out in reality? Reality is what I care about.
When you are in your 40s and the biggest thing on your mind is mortgage payments or your slowing body, you might find that the fight against babies that may or may not come is not only exhausting, it's pointless and has drained your married life of meaning. You can’t have predicted that a baby, should one be granted to you, multiplies love, even as it complicates things (of course, because good things are complicated in this fallen world of ours).
You certainly don’t have the mental energy to fend off those who simply say nay.
You can't project any of that or even know that it will be your struggle from where you are now, in your twenties.
Only I have survived to tell you. (Job 1: 15)
What I see is that the fight against babies makes you suspicious of each other. It divides you. It prevents friendship. It also makes any advice targeted at your relationship useless***, because who can be less nagging, kinder, more loving, and more generous when the very purpose of your life together has been frustrated by… yourselves?
What good is there in knowing your temperament or love language or any number of habits for success if at the most fundamental level your communication is compromised? When the language of your body is at odds with the language of your intentions, how can you find a way out?
I really get impatient with all the marital advice when it doesn't address the main point of marriage, which is to build a family, that is, a unit of glory, by means of your bond. God may or may not send children, but if you've closed off His very intention at the source, how can you hope to catch any other graces?
If you think about it, there is no other area in life where we just assume that God got it all wrong — made us wrong. That man fell at the beginning and now we deal with the consequences, yes, fine. That much is clear. That the way we're made is wrong in its original form as His plan for all humanity for all time — why would we think this? And aren't we leaving something important out if we do think it? Can’t we trust that He would get this right? What if your real protection from destruction is not controlling the number of children but living according to His plan?
When you remove all this frustration and distrust by committing to enjoying each other when you want to, accepting the children who come with trust, you align your married life with its purpose. You will find peace.
It won't be peaceful peace, because, in a stunning revelation, life is not easy. What if, in fact, you are one of those couples on the other end of the curve? With lots and lots of children? You will still be frustrated — like everyone else, of course — and you will probably suffer terrible things — ditto.
I myself almost died in childbirth with my sixth child and my husband promptly lost his job for the ensuing 18 months. We've seen the things, you know? Our family (like every family) has endured many things I haven’t got room to enumerate — but just don’t think I am naively dismissing the pain that comes with what the world calls living dangerously (and so it is, no matter what). And I know about the other things… the ones you might face…
All I'm saying is, don’t be fooled, especially where there is a time limit to your “awareness potential” — the point beyond which all this will be moot, and you’ll merely be living with the consequences of whatever your stance has been. But… there's suffering and there's suffering. I just would rather not have the kind of suffering that comes from trying to avoid suffering by refusing a treasure.
If you've ever read any good stories at all, you will recognize the deep truth that you'd best choose the path that is in alignment with your true quest, come what may — not the path you think will help you avoid suffering. Destruction-proofing is a paradoxical undertaking.
What if we did the unheard-of? What if we took a look at the Baby Question and just said something like, “God in His word tells us that children are a gift. We'll do all we can to work hard and live simply, enjoying each other and accepting the children that come, trusting that He has a plan for us?”
And then, what if there is joy?
DISCLAIMERS — READ BEFORE YOU COMMENT.
*I imply no guarantee. Destruction can come despite all our efforts. See the Book of Job and indeed Our Lord himself. We are simply exploring doing our best, not attempting to pin God down.
**I am not really discussing Natural Family Planning here. I’m certainly not anti-NFP. I’m against “Child Resistance” as a way of life for married people. I'm trying to step outside the societal clutch in the stomach over this issue. Therefore I'm not particularly interested in parsing the guidelines for using NFP or attempting precision on the topic. I feel that once Child Resistance as a way of life is abandoned, this all takes care of itself. There are other places to go to delve into the specifics of NFP, although I personally think it's better not to. Delve into them online, that is.
And for those who are on the part of the curve where having children is difficult, NFP holds the surest help, which is unsurprising, since it’s the only inquiry into fertility that doesn’t try to bludgeon it. By all means do learn more.
But let’s not get sidetracked from the main point, which is that most married people simply have not considered nor been encouraged in what actually ought to be the default option of loving each other when we want to, and accepting the babies that come, maximizing thereby the preservation of our family.
***There is another secret related to this and dependent on it which I'll tell you next time. So four. Four secrets!
Rozy says
Such a beautiful post. Thank you for expressing it so gracefully. I learned all of this too late for me but have been teaching our children. Interestingly, my grandmother had 15 children, my niece, none. Neither woman used contraceptives. (My niece wants children, but has not been blessed yet.)
Jenny says
Oh, a long and wonderful post! Child Resistance is exactly the problem in many marriages. It is something I suffered at the beginning of my marriage for complicated and personal reasons and used hormonal contraception (to my current horror) in service to it. I was also raised to believe that all responsible people use contraception. Over time I have been healed from this affliction of child resistance (mostly) and it is so freeing and IS a boon to my marriage to not constantly fret over it. I am forever grateful that I was shown a better way.
Margo, Thrift at Home says
Nice to have a Catholic explain it. You make some excellent points, and what I mostly hear is: trust God more and stop over-controlling your life. Good reminder to me!
Cristina says
“Stop over-controlling your life”. So true and so hard!
TBT says
Auntie Leila,
I love your post! Issues related to this post are currently severely damaging my marriage. What is your advice for someone whose husband is so afraid of openness to life, that he refuses to be intimate at all, causing an abstinent marriage since the conception of our third child (said child will be two next month!)…
I have prayed and am continuing to pray, but I am growing weary and lonely and sad about what I feel is missing from our marriage. To compound this, I am Catholic, my husband is not, so he does not necessarily believe in openness to life. Thank you for reading this comment, and thank you for the wonderful website you and your family have created. I consult your blog almost daily for child-rearing advice, recipes, and perspective on living a Catholic life. 🙂
Amy Z says
TBT, I don’t know you, but I am praying for you.
Mary says
Praying for you too. This is sadly often the case. 🙁
Cristina says
I don’t have an answer for you but I feel your pain. ((Hugs))
Betsy says
I have been in the same situation with my husband. It is so hard. I will remember you in my prayers.
Margaret says
I have a husband who was very closed down and it turned out he had a brain problem causing a lack of intimacy. It was called fronto-temporal lobe epilepsy, and anti-seizure medication has restored our marriage and his life. His dad died of a brain disease, this is why we tracked it down. He had a brain SPECT scan, a la Dr. Daniel Amen. We have six living children by God’s grace and two girls in Heaven with Jesus, we hope to have more. I only wish we had started sooner, but we are still blessed.
Anna says
Loved this! My husband and I had to move from Child Resistance within NFP to Children Embraced through NFP, even while TTA. This is sobering for the NFPers too…you could want more children. You could have all the right fertility signs…and yet never have another baby. I do say this to people who ask about our family size. It’s something that needs to be taken with more discernment than most because you simply may not have another baby.
Anon7 for today says
I am in deep appreciation for this third post! It *IS* a doozy!
I grew up with many of the same beliefs–my Mum and Step-Father resorted to medical surgeries after 2 children {Mum} and 1 child {Step-Father} and that was the way it was. It’s sad to me because I could have had more brothers and sisters but the doctor told my Mum she would die if she had more….and she believed him.
After I had my third, my Mum said she could pay for the surgery for me, too! I was appalled and told her so! She thinks children are “dangerous” and feels that I take my life in my hands foolishly to have more…{We are currently blessed with five} although she says that she loves them all….of course.
My struggle has been to change how I feel and what I believe about the “Marital Embrace” after being told dirty jokes at school, feeling that se* was nasty and reserved for the “bad girls” in my classes, being se*ually assaulted by a friend’s step-dad and being taught that babies are expensive and will wreck your body and your life…simply subversive and terribly misguided, I know… However, it is still a terrible burden to feel this way and I honestly don’t enjoy it but know that it is a gift to my husband…
But really, it is such a messy affair and not very romantic—and my husband would wish daily when I could go the rest of my life without—not a big deal to me at all! I am mystified that there is so much to this physical closeness, near constant and I simply bow to pressure…
AnneMarie says
I have suffered from many modern afflictions related to the marital embrace. The way I was raised, my relationships with my father, brother, and high school boys, the lies I was taught and believed and embraced, the damage of impurity outside marriage, and finally, a marriage fraught with the baggage of a life lived this way. We’ve never contracepted, but have only had 3 children and our hearts yearn for more. Each child is a gift. Miracle. Unexpected and deeply cherished. Some years into my marriage, I truly believed I would never be able to have three and yet, here we are. And yet, the womb is never satisfied.
But the point of my comment is this: Our Lord and Our Lady have many graces to give us – we have only to ask for them. And on the advice of a priest, time after time, in the rosary, after Holy Communion, during a visit to the Blessed Sacrament; I have asked, begged, and pleaded Our Lord to heal me, to pour His Precious Blood over the wounded places in my heart, in my memory, in my relationships. And He has. We’ve forgiven each other for our past sins, we’ve begged His mercy and love for our marriage, and above all, we’ve asked for His Healing of all my wounds. These prayers have completely *transformed* my marriage and my family. All things, given to Our Lord, will work out for our salvation, and His Glory. We are all so hurt – let us ask God for those graces we need so that we can be the best versions of ourselves that He desires for us.
Thank you, Auntie Leila, for another wonderful post. May God reward you!
Allie says
Your comment about healing reminded me of a wonderful sermon that deals with asking for and receiving healing for our wounds. http://www.romans10seventeen.org/audio-files/20130224-Prayers-for-Healing-in-the-Liturgy.mp3
Perhaps some on here will benefit by listening, I know that I have.
May God bless you.
A. says
The “societal clutch in the stomach” . . . that’s it. That’s what I’ve been feeling. I’m getting married very soon to a wonderful man who is so excited to someday be a father, and I’m excited to be the mother of his children. And yet . . . I am afraid, not because there is anything to actually be afraid of (see my previous sentence, and we are blessed to have a home to live in and a way to put food on the table) but because that’s how I’ve been conditioned to view pregnancy. I’ve been taught, both inside and outside the walls of Church, that after every marital act you had better be prepared to welcome a baby, and for someone just entering the sacrament of marriage that seems like a lot to take on all at once. Factually I know this is not the case and that things are not always that easy or simple (and that if we are asked to take it on, we will be given the grace to do so), but the thought of it still causes fear and anxiety in my heart. I know that one of the first things we will have to work and talk through together (probably on the honeymoon) is my negative association between lovemaking and pregnancy. I hope and pray that we can develop together the faith needed to accept that whatever the result, as dear St. Julian said, “All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.” I know this level of trust won’t be easy for a worrywart like me, but it is worth aspiring to (and luckily he is much more sanguine than I am, which is a great blessing :-). Please pray for us!
Tracy says
Dear A. please, please do not wait until after your wedding to discuss this. You are in my prayers.
A. says
Thank you Tracy, that is greatly appreciated. I should clarify that we have definitely discussed it, and that he knows my anxieties around this and has been very kind and understanding about it, but this is one of those things that you really cannot work out beforehand, you know? You just have to wait until the rubber meets the road, so to speak, and go from there. Please keep us in your prayers though 🙂
Annie says
I agree. You need to talk to your fiancé about this before you get married. If you have a long engagement still ahead of you, you’d be ok to wait until closer to your wedding, but don’t wait until after to bring it up. It might be a little awkward, but it is possible to be delicate. At that point in your relationship, discussing it would not be immodest. It would also be helpful to talk to a wise (happily) married woman about it. There’s a book on the subject that I would highly, highly recommend, called the Freedom of Sexual Love by Joseph and Lois Bird. I read it in preparation for my marriage (as did my fiancé), and it was hugely helpful for me. I think fear and scruples about sexuality are a tactic that the Enemy really likes to use on young women who are trying to be pure. He knows he wouldn’t succeed by tempting you to sexual sins, so he tries to rob you of all joy in marriage.
Katy says
“I think fear and scruples about sexuality are a tactic that the Enemy really likes to use on young women who are trying to be pure. He knows he wouldn’t succeed by tempting you to sexual sins, so he tries to rob you of all joy in marriage.”
This is very wise. Thank you.
Dixie says
A., remember, too, that although you absolutely should be discussing these things during your engagement, the actual experience of marital love and the marital embrace is something that you can’t quite grasp right now — i.e., as strongly as you feel and as much as you are worried, to a certain extent you don’t actually know how you’re going to feel after you’re married. Along with the difficulties of marriage will come a tremendous amount of grace and joy, and because of this it seems to be the case that worries about having a baby often diminish after the couple begins to actually experience marital love.
This union is a powerful thing, and it can make you desire a baby sooner and less fearfully than you would have thought the day before your marriage. 🙂 I hope and pray that the experience of marital love will be healing for you and that your feelings about lovemaking and pregnancy will both improve naturally; I have seen it happen with other couples, so take heart, and don’t assume that you are locked into your current feelings forever! You are about to enter into your vocation, and that’s an entirely different life 🙂
Mrs. B. says
So very well said, Dixie!
Kate says
So true about the unpredictability of fertility. My maternal grandmother married in her teens and bore 14 children, two of whom died in infancy. My mother married in her late 20’s and had 7 children in close succession and inexplicably her fertility dried up in her mid-30’s. I had my first child at 25 and my seventh at 43. Two of my sisters have 8 children, another, 6 and one sister was only able to have one child. My husband’s father came from a large family, but he and his wife struggled to have the three children they ended up with. The youngest, my husband, was conceived after his mother borrowed her Catholic neighbor’s “rhythm wheel” and “reversed” it. He was destined to become Catholic after such a beginning!
I’ve been very surprised lately over the Child Resistance creeping into the mindset of young, orthodox Catholic couples, raised in large families. Too much talk about NFP, financial security and “prudence” (which I sometimes think is mistaken for comfort).
Anon says
Have some compassion for those couples. They may not be able to reveal what, in their experience as coming from “large, orthodox Catholic families” has caused them to value prudence in child-bearing so highly without causing scandal or hurting their parents…but I have seen some endemic weakness in large families that the children of such families may have very good (even holy) reasons to wish to avoid.
Mrs C says
“I’ve been very surprised lately over the Child Resistance creeping into the mindset of young, orthodox Catholic couples, raised in large families. Too much talk about NFP, financial security and “prudence” (which I sometimes think is mistaken for comfort).”
Yes! This!
I’ve been on both sides for this one.
I was the eldest of a large family and my parents didn’t manage well (the result of some poor choices – their marriage sadly fell apart) and I was so put off marriage and having kids that I desperately wanted to be a nun. Now I am married and have found such joy with my husband and adopted children (we are infertile) that I wish God would give us a truck load of children! My marriage and life is so unlike that of my parents – we have such joy! – I understand now that it wasn’t the number of kids that caused their problems.
Increasingly though, we have started hearing from (insensitive) young (neo-) Catholics about their plans to have only one or two kids (using NFP) because they love their fabulous lifestyle in Gramercy/UES/Brooklyn so much. Their thinking has nothing to do with an unhappy upbringing or even stress – just the material love of being a hipster-wannabe in a cool part of town – which they afford if they have more than two or three kids. Puke.
It’s hard to be in the culture and not formed by it.
Anna says
Beautiful thoughts Aunty Leila. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom.
kristina says
Sometimes it doesn’t seem like being open to children at all times is very good for the preservation of the family… my husband and I are, I think, going to be particularly fertile as my cycle returned 4.5months after our first baby (despite breastfeeding on demand) and then we got pregnant within 4 months of that – despite trying our hardest with NFP as my doctor had recommended at least 18 months between babies. So now we’re due when our first baby will be only 16 months old, and I’m working full time so my husband can finish school, and honestly it is all pretty overwhelming. Sometimes I think how much easier it would be without babies, even though I love my son so much. He has brought us a lot of happiness but also a lot of stress and a few fights 🙁
I guess what I’m saying is that this all sounds really awesome in principle, and it totally makes sense to my logically, but emotionally it’s all a big mess and leaves me feeling like I’m in way over my head. If just having the one baby has been so hard for us, and the anticipation of this second baby has been even harder, I don’t know how we would be able to handle complete openness to whatever children God sends. That is the mindset I want to have – I want to be able to trust Him that much – but it is rather intimidating.
Kelsey says
Kristina, I am by no means an expert or even particularly experienced in this area… my husband and I have been married less than two years and we only have one baby so far. But I do hear what you’re saying. Pregnancy and postpartum were much more grueling for me, physically and emotionally, than I expected. For a while I was terrified of ever being pregnant again! What has helped me is to focus on the long-term. My mother-in-law had twelve children (my husband is the fifth) and all but two still live within a town or two from her. She is surrounded by grandchildren and her heart and home are full. My mother – who is a wonderful, very motherly woman, but who also was fed lies and thus resisted children in an effort to gain control over her life – has two children. My brother and I love her very much, but now I live far from her, and it is painful to see how she yearns for a more abundant, close-knit family… the sort of family my mother-in-law has. Both women have had their share of suffering, but from these two examples I have come to understand that I would rather have the suffering of an overflowing cup than an empty one.
Nina says
Kelsey,
This reply brought tears to my eyes. I am 28 and just delivered my third child in February. We have a three year old a two year old and a newborn and are starting to have talks of contraception. I fear for the future of my relationship with my spouse because of this.
I, like Kristina (above), had my first two children only 15 months apart and my third 23 months later. I delivered all three of them via c-section making recovery difficult, far from family and very little as a support system. It is stressful, loud and full of suffering… but brings back joy and grace a thousand fold. It isn’t easy and isn’t always fun but is so beautiful. As you said above, “I would rather have the suffering of an overflowing cup than an empty one.” Thank you for that lovely reminder of all that is good with a family, even a large, loud and young one!
Kristina,
Hang in there. Babies are difficult but this stage is so fleeting… sooner than you know the sleepless nights will be gone, they will be off at school or with families of their own. You may even look back and say I want those times back! I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Amanda @ Planning On It says
Kristina, I totally understand where you’re at…which is in the ‘trenches’, the time of little babies and pregnancy and feeling overwhelmed. I had my son (unexpectedly) while my husband was in grad school and it was very hard but also very good. I know it seems overwhelming right now, and it is, but it does not get harder over time, it gets easier in fact. We now have 4 children (3 birth and 1 adopted preteen) and are open to more. And it’s so much fun! Some things are harder but lots of things are easier. And all things are infinitely better. Once your husband finishes school and you’re no longer pregnant for a short time you’ll feel lots better.
One of my friends, not Catholic, had a boy and shortly (very!) later a girl while her husband was in medical school. It was hard and stressful and overwhelming at the time. But in his last year of med school her husband developed non-hodgkins lymphoma….twice. He underwent chemotherapy and is better now and safely well into residency….but chemotherapy left him completely infertile. They even did tests and yep, there is zero chance of another baby for them. They had been on the fence about wanting a third at all because, well, the first two so close in age and with severe reflux in the daughter had really been overwhelming. Now they are so grateful they had those two! And if they had been ‘fortunate’ enough to wait 2-3 years between them they wouldn’t have 2, they’d just have 1. If they’d waited “responsibly” until he was out of med school then they’d have none at all and no hope for future children by birth.
So I know it’s hard right now, but just know that you are in the hardest part of parenting right this very instant. When I was pregnant with #2 and had a toddler my toddler spent 3 months watching cartoons while I tried not to vomit too much. I thought I had ruined his life. Now? Those boys are inseparable, and the toddler taught himself to read during that overwhelmed time! My oldest was just speculating to me about what our next baby would look like 🙂 I had to remind him, “if God sends us another baby” so he knows there are no guarantees in life. It does get better, I promise. Read more blogs by older moms….like Auntie Leila. I always do that to try and glean what wisdom I can because Lord knows I’m in need of it 🙂
Shell says
Kristina, Hang in there. Persevere. We had our first two babies 18 months apart. And, we worried, too that this would continue to happen. Everyone is different. But, we did not have a third right away. She arrived after much prayer, a pilgrimage, and a miscarriage. When she arrived, we were more than ready. Then, there was another long gap and our fourth baby arrived following great joy and anticipation by not only my husband and I, but also by her three siblings. What a lucky girl, she is! Then, I was 42 and a surprise came out of nowhere…a baby boy! None of us saw that coming and none of us can imagine life without him. And, now, my fertile years are waning and, although it was difficult, enduring all the pregnancies and having all the babies…Now, I enter my infertile years with a great feeling of fullness, knowing that I kept my arms wide open and embraced all that comes from trusting God. I have no regrets. If, I did, they would have names and faces. How can I regret my babies? The only way I could, is if I never gave them the chance to be a part of my life.
Clelie says
Kristina,
I just wanted to share my experience with you. I am about to be 31. My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We have 5 beautiful children. I had my first daughter (now 5) my junior year of nursing school. After 3 months of exclusive on demand breast feeding I became pregnant for my second daughter (now 4). Going through nursing school and having 2 pregnancies and 2 little babies was so difficult. I thought I was at my breaking point many times. But I survived, the girls survived, and yes even my husband survived. In fact, we thrived. About a year after graduating from nursing school I became pregnant for our third (so we thought) baby. Low and behold it wasn’t one but two. We had twin boys (now 2). And about a year or so after that we became pregnant with our fifth child, another boy (now 6 months). So 5 children all 5years old and younger. With each pregnancy and each new addition I was totally and completely overwhelmed and “maxed” out. (At least I thought I was). But each new pregnancy and each new life not only increased my love for my husband and my child but for all my children. And with each new sibling, I witnessed my children’s love for one another multiply (yes they fight sometimes too). There is nothing more beautiful than seeing your own children loving their siblings. It is hard. There is suffering and pain. There are sleepless nights (many of them) and dirty diapers. But there is laughter and joy. There is tenderness and lots of sweet kisses and hugs. The good is unmeasurable and ongoing. The days are long but the years are short. Be open to life. It is the most beautiful gift from the most loving and merciful God.
KC says
Just one more note of encouragement, Kristina! We married after my husband’s first year in grad school and had three children before he had a job! I worked (mostly from home) that whole time and it was HARD. But now our oldest is almost eight and life is so much easier, even with a fourth baby having arrived. He is so loved by his older siblings and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel as I’m not providing everything for every child anymore. I want another baby more now than I ever have, which I NEVER would have dreamed of seven years ago when I was crying daily over the thought of being pregnant. It really does go quickly and I encourage you to do all you can to only worry about the grace needed to get through today. Don’t fear about next year or five years from now. Just do your best today as you have no idea what God has in store or what graces He will give you to see you through.
Mrs C says
Hang in there Kristina. It will get easier, I promise. It improves slowly over time – you will get better at what you are doing (you will be more experienced as a mom, you’ll know what you’re doing and it won’t be so stressful because you’ll learn to trust yourself) and when your little ones get a little older so that they can take care of themselves somewhat and help you with the little ones it will be a little more manageable.
Betsy says
I just wanted to say our first child was the hardest on us as a couple. After that it was like we knew (somewhat) what we were doing. We worked through many of the kinks.
Diana says
Don’t worry, Kristina! It gets easier with each baby!! 🙂
kristina says
Thank you so much for all of your encouragement 🙂 It has really helped me deal with my emotional reaction to this whole thing. Your stories and anecdotes were good to hear too – I just kept thinking of my mother-in-law who started at 33 and had 6 kids in the next 8 years and I was like, I can’t keep up that kind of pace for that many years, since I’m starting at 24! So knowing that it doesn’t always work that way is reassuring 🙂
My husband has also been awesome since I brought up my struggle with being pregnant again; while he is also feeling stressed at the thought, he’s been able to look farther ahead and see the potential for joy, and he’s been sharing that with me, which helps me keep that perspective as well. For example, this morning he told me that it was good God gave us this baby 2-3 years before the timing we would have chosen, because our first baby will be able to have a friend and companion sooner (and our first baby is becoming a very social child! I think a sibling will be good for him).
Anyway, thank you Aunt Leila for writing this post, and thank you ladies for replying to my comment with so much wisdom and encouragement 🙂 I will probably still have negative feelings to deal with over the next year at least but you have definitely equipped me to deal with those feelings better – to trust God and see the bigger picture instead of getting lost in my own daily worries.
Mrs. B. says
Kristina, your husband is right! Young siblings make absolutely the best friends. I have two who were 13 months apart (breastfeeding on demand failure for me, too, I guess!) – my first didn’t even walk when his sister was born! It was a lot, a lot of work and now I think I might have been even a little depressed, but we have always been so happy that our daughter was born when she was!
A lot of work and difficult times are hard, but should not be blown out of proportion – keep that good attitude with you!
Shyla says
So beautiful and encouraging. Thank you Leila!! Can you shout this from the roof top? Your blog is a good starting point 😉 loved the entire read.
Laura Jeanne says
Thank you very much for having the courage to publish this post. Your vision of marriage is a beautiful one and brought tears to my eyes.
I will say that although I am not Catholic, and although my marriage has often been troubled, my husband and I openly regret the years I was on the Pill. We feel like our family might be missing a child or two (We have four). But when we were young, we had absorbed the message out there that it is irresponsible, even vulgar and low-class, to have more than a child or two, three maximum. And since we were quite young when we had our first (I was 20, he was 22) I felt like people already saw us as irresponsible and I wanted to prove to the world we *were* responsible and would not have any more children, at least not for a while. Even my mother pressured me to stay on the Pill because we didn’t have a lot of money. I wish I hadn’t listened to her for so long.
My grandmother never used birth control her entire life, and she only had 5 babies — all evenly spaced 5 years apart exactly! So she never had more than one baby to care for at a time and her child-rearing years were quite enjoyable and peaceful for her. She is 96 now and speaks wistfully of those years all the time.
And there is a fourth secret! I look forward to that post too.
Mary says
Beautiful, Auntie Leila. Thank you for your words of wisdom. I’m sure many of us wish we had recognized this sooner!
Emily J says
Thank you for this. After having our 2nd & 3rd child my husband and I have not been able to come to peace with any forms of birth control (other than NFP for 12 months after the birth because I have issues with pre-term labor and I don’t breastfeed for very long) and our desire to just let God make our family what he wants has grown strong. I feel like the odd duck among our friends, and regularly have to explain why we would go this route after already being “overwhelmed” with a toddler and twins. I can relate to this post, and it is becoming the heartbeat of our family. I’ll hopefully share this link on my blog soon!
Tacy says
I’ll be honest, the point you are making is over my head. Can someone dumb it down for me? I’m only half-joking.
Jill W says
I hate to put words in Leila’s mouth, but I want you to be able to go back and find the beauty in what she wrote. I think her points could be summed up as:
The “culture” that we live in now tells us that to be smart we must actively resist having children, and that the risk of not being (nearly) always on birth control is the ruin of our body, our marriage, and our finances.
But that if we would open up our lives to the children that God has to send we would discover our feelings about our bodies, our marital relationship, and even our finances blessed by the opportunity to share it all with the children God would send.
We are fighting against the blessing God has for us. Closing the door against blessings He has for us, when we (as she so beautifully put it) live our lives “resisting children”.
I know that I didn’t write it as well as she did, but I really hope that this will allow you to re-read it with more clarity. It is a beautiful message that I might have missed too, if God hadn’t been so persistent with my husband and I in our own marriage.
Melissa Diskin says
Love Leila’s longer version, and also your summary. Perfect.
Robin says
I just want to say: perfect. Thank you!
Lisa Rose says
I sure wish I’d heard this kind of sensible, COURAGEOUS talk when I was still fertile! I do think we would have had more peace of mind.
God has given you both the gift of wisdom and the gift of expressing it in an understandable way. Thanks for putting yourself out there for the truth.
Adrie @ ALittleWifesHappyLife says
Oh thank you! After using birth control for about eight months early in our marriage, I started to see the negative impact it was making on our marriage- we started charting and using NFP to avoid pregnancy until we finished paying off some debt. Well, we had planned to avoid pregnancy with NFP…. but that didn’t last long- we started trying to conceive about 4 months earlier than we planned!
I think that we’re on the “not very fertile” side of the curve. It’s been almost a year since we stopped using the Pill, and it’s been about seven months with no pregnancy- and with charting, I know that I haven’t been ovulating. It’s frustrating, because trusting God and His plan is what I should be doing… but I’d like to just get pregnant already! I realized that I’ve been using charting as a way to “control” things, and that’s not the right attitude to have. We stopped charting in the middle of last month. Giving up the control and trusting God has made such a difference in my marriage and attitude already!
Melanie says
Beautiful, thank you! I have so much more to say, but the product of living the above advice are clamoring for lunch, ha! But my oldest is 17, my youngest is almost 2, and I will be 40 this year. I worried so much about having “too many” (not really even sure what too many was) and now I’m praying to get another one (or two!) in before I’m done! 🙂 I surely, surely never even thought I’d have five. It’s ok to have one or two babies and think “How could I ever manage with three/five/eight children, because you don’t have to know now. You will learn to manage each, one at a time (generally). So very worth it the freedom to just be open to what God sends. I know there are circumstances for NFP. I do. But if you can possibly be open, I very much recommend it, and I think it should be the “default” whenever possible.
Mary says
It is true, life and children multiply love. Only once you’re there do you realize God calls you to a deeper joy, deeper generosity, deeper gratefulness for their lives.
Jennifer says
Fabulous post. I loved reading through the whole thing. I totally understand the Child Resistance, and they points you are making, and you are definitely making me think. I think part of the reason this is so difficult to embrace for many of us is because we are not raised to think of ourselves as mothers, homemakers, wives to husbands, in general… a set of generations has been raised to be educated in college – just for a degree’s sake. To “be” something as a career, not a vocation. It’s very difficult to change these underlying learned things when you’re say in your 30s and 40s, with the mortgages, job losses, lack of sleep, smaller families around because everyone else in your own generation and a generation or so ago had their 2.0 children so there isn’t family around to help with babies or shopping. Who can afford a nanny so you can go to the store in your too tiny fuel-economical car that won’t fit all your children? We’ve taken quite some time to get to this point in our society, and it is going to take some work on the part of parents to help raise children who will embrace family, family life, and children again. There is no really simple answer for anyone in every situation, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t trust God right where we are. Great post. Great thoughts. Thank you!!!
Tracy says
loved your comment, your points are exactly what I see around me too.
Mary says
Auntie Leila, how I wish I had read this when I was a new bride. Instead, I read it at 42 with a grieving heart, as I recover from a hysterectomy. For the last two years, I was in an agony of discernment, trying to determine if we should be open to another child or continue to use NFP (because of my advancing age and our limited finances). Then my health spiraled dramatically and I was informed by numerous doctors that unless I had a hysterectomy, my life would be at risk. How foolish and short-sighted all my fears seem now! If we look at our lives through the lens of eternity, what could be more important than being open to God’s plan? Now I can only weep and weep, mourning my lost fertility even as I hug my three children close to my heart.
sibyl says
Mary, my love and sympathy to you right this minute. Do remember that the Church allows this type of treatment for truly life-threatening situations. Your other children need you, sweet. Remember that you tried to do your very best with bad circumstances. You are a good mama.
KT says
This is great. Thank you, Leila. As a Catholic convert, becoming open to life greatly differs from the attitude of my well-intentioned, evangelical family. I will take all the encouragement I can get!
For anyone, perhaps like myself, who has never heard a compelling case against contraception, may I recommend Janet Smith. I prefer the older version of her lecture (it’s long and slightly poor quality, but excellent nonetheless): part 1: http://www.janetsmith.excerptsofinri.com/audio/contrapception-why-not-01.mp3; part 2: http://www.janetsmith.excerptsofinri.com/audio/contrapception-why-not-02.mp3
Patty says
I love this post, as you speak the Truth in love and it is beautiful. I spent my youth believing as you once did (like you, not knowing any differently). Babies did not come easily to us, for a variety of reasons, even after we woke up to the Truth. Now our family’s heavenly intercessor outnumber the two children we have here. We are blessed, despite our failures, and for that we are grateful. Praying for all families struggling with this question.
Amanda @ Planning On It says
Auntie Leila, I just wanted to thank you from the depths of my soul for writing this. We’re looking at a possible spontaneously-planned pregnancy (shhh) and a bit overwhelmed at the prospect…mostly out of fear of what our extended families will say. If we do have a new blessing to announce I will be holding this post close in my heart, knowing that someone ‘gets’ what we are trying to build here in our family and why another child in the family can only be good.
Liz says
Thank you for speaking so straightforwardly to this! I’m a Lutheran married to a Catholic, and it took a Catholic girlfriend of mine to introduce me/us to this teaching about a year into our marriage, which we now wholeheartedly endorse (Lutherans also traditionally took/take this position, too, as part of our embrace of the ancient catholic faith, most just don’t know it now: http://www.scribd.com/doc/74962251/Should-Christian-Couples-Use-Contraception-3rd-Ed). We do use NFP to help postpone conception for about a year after birth, as my cycle returns around 9 months postpartum in spite of 24-hour breastfeeding on demand and we seem to be naturally hyper-fertile, in order to give the current baby time to fully breastfeed and be a baby. I have two questions: 1. How can we/I “unknow” my obvious fertility signs in order to just “enjoy each other when we want to?” It is a tremendous challenge for us to ignore that I will very likely conceive on a particular day, which results in either a deliberate intent to conceive or intentionally abstaining in spite of our wishes; essentially, once you’ve learned NFP, it is pretty much impossible to stop using it, even if you want to do so. 2. While I agree with you, as a former lawyer, I can’t help but (impudently, and with great love) point out what folks in opposition would say about the idea that “surely God got this right” – yes, He got it right to begin with, of course, as He did everything else, but the fall resulted in circumstances that sometimes make it imprudent to bear more children; in Eden, it would have been fine to have 20 children because there was no sickness, poverty, etc. (or there would have been no early return of fertility, etc.). I don’t believe this, but I find the better rhetorical point is that it is not our place to reject the blessings God wants to give us, or to intentionally separate that which He has put together (the marital embrace and babies). As always, I’m praying for Christian unity in the Truth. Thank you for your work!
Leila says
Dear Liz,
Thanks for your kind comments!
To answer your points:
1. I know what you mean. It’s like reading. You can’t NOT read something! But still… just try. You will see. You get busy and start not to focus on it. Yes, you can tell that it might be a likely time, or you know it’s a very unlikely time. But what I’m trying to say in this post is that even if you think that all the signs are there, you need to remember that it’s God who disposes.
A special kind of joy emerges after you’ve lived this way for a while. The thought that a baby might result from this act becomes delightful! The dread subsides. You may be quite disappointed if it turns out that you were wrong!
2. It isn’t a rhetorical point to say that “God got this right” — not if you believe Scripture, that is. Re-read Matthew 19 and consider what is meant by “in the beginning it was not so.” Jesus here is, by means of His sacrifice which he is foreshadowing, re-instating marriage to its original plan. I can’t do it justice here in a reply to a comment, but if you read Pope John Paul II’s theology on this passage you will see. The whole Church has believed this from the earliest times. It’s on this basis that she has considered marriage a *sacrament*.
Your points are good and true — they just don’t go far enough, in the light of Jesus’ words, and also in the light of St. Paul’s later expression of the relationship between marriage and the Church. If it were not true that marriage is without the taint of the Fall, it would not be true that the Church is God’s spotless bride! So much to ponder here…
KP says
It’s actually perfectly normal for fertility to return around month 9 postpartum! It’s the statistical average. Night time breastfeeding in particular is what produces the hormones to suppress fertility. As soon as nighttime feeds become less frequent, (for me, it’s as soon as baby drops the midnight feed), your fertility will get back into gear.
About 2 in 100 women will have fertility return sooner, despite frequent night feeds and another 2 in 100 will have to wean completely.
On the NFP thing… my parents were taught by NFP pioneers themselves, Lynn and John Billings. The thing with NFP that they teach to all their engaged couples is that it’s just information. The real question is what is the story or narrative that is making use of that information? Is it the world’s contraceptive mentality that fears any drag on individual autonomy or is it God’s overwhelming abundance of love and life? Their job as mentors or educators working with engaged couples is to get them excited about God’s! They also give couples a prayerful framework to discern a pregnancy and encourage their couples to use it every fertile window.
The other thing that I find helps is acknowledging that sometimes it’s the method that can be a stressor. I personally found the Creighton method insufferable and the sympto-thermal method is just impractical cosleeping postpartum. So I use an informal adaptation of Billing’s. I’m pregnant with baby no. 4 and I end up getting pregnant about 12-14 months postpartum, because I LIKE my husband.
TL;DR – 9 months return to fertility is bang on normal. Knowledge we’ve lost because maternity hospital foist contraception on mothers.
Frustration with NFP can sometimes be solved by adjusting the method. NFP methods are not religions and what worked for you and your marriage last time will not be static. Or by joyfully forgetting about the charts and apps and what not and Try to Whatever God Wants.
(Love the work Auntie Lelia!)
Leila says
I think what Liz is saying is that even without charts and thermometers, many women just know when they are fertile.
And knowing about NFP taints their attitude. This is perhaps different from in the past, when I’m sure women also knew intuitively, in that the systematizing of the knowledge simply does lead to an avoidance mentality.
No matter what the founders of the various methods say, it simply is a fact that NFP is promoted in marriage prep and in Catholic circles/social media as avoidance. (As I’ve said before, it’s great for overcoming infertility!).
And that is the true issue. It’s actually really tricky.
Erica says
Thank you for restoring the collective memory. The generation of women before me in my family has forgotten, I’ve let go of blaming them and just am focusing on bettering myself and my children. I’ve learned more from you than you’ll ever know.
CarlynB says
I read this with tears in my eyes. By the time we woke up to the truth about this issue, I was 40. I’m 48 now, and even though I remember that my grandmother gave birth to my father at that age, then went on to have his younger brother at 50, I know that, biologically, the chances of us having any more children are exceedingly slim. Of course, with God all things are possible! 🙂
We do have a wonderful son, who has been a joy to raise, and we are very grateful to God for granting us the gift of that young man.
Christy says
I could have written these words, Carlyn. I, too, was 40 before I understood the truth of this issue, and we were blessed with a precious son when I was 42. I read this post with tears in my eyes as well, knowing that my childbearing days are past (I’m 53 now), and wondering what might have been. God bless you, Leila, for having the courage and wisdom to share these all-important truths.
Becky says
My thoughts on the issue are complex as is my situation and my options are limited at the moment. But, I will say that the thing that sticks with me is that I would like to instill my children with the deep conviction that I will support and encourage them should they chose to be fully open to life. I suspect that as much as anything, part of what makes it so hard to follow this teaching is not only general society but also the lack of support (practical and theoretical) from our very own families. I will never, ever forget how it felt when I joyfully announced my second pregnancy (at the age of 30, in a stable, well established and loving marriage complete, even, with monetary security) and my mother responded with open condemnation.
It seems as if it took us a few generations to get into this mess and I wouldn’t be surprised if it takes a few generations to get out. While some of us have made decisions we wish we hadn’t, that doesn’t mean that there are no decisions left to make or positive actions left to us.
Jill W says
I think that this is a beautiful approach. I am glad that you mentioned it, so I can also be clear to teach my children the same thing. I had a similar experience as you, the frowning disapproval at the announcements of our pregnancies- and I will NOT scare my own children that way. Thanks for showing how we can start the undo-ing of what the last few generations has accomplished.
Jenny says
I have to concur that it is so important to let your children know you support them in their pregnancies. Pregnancy is hard for me. I get very sick and quite unfunctional. It is so hard to feel terrible and announce another pregnancy and have to deal with your relatives. Some are just aghast at having more children and some are just concerned for me, but it gets voiced as blame for putting myself in the situation again. My grandmother is the worst. Every child after your allotted two gets you a lecture.
Margaret says
Amen. I have had to fight for each life within, having lost two girls when they were unwelcomed. I am not blaming others, but this is a serious spiritual warfare issue. We have to band together as women and praise JESUS, the giver of life.
Anitra says
I’m not sure I entirely agree with you on this one, Leila. We are on the very-fertile end of the spectrum (we joke that when it comes to pregnancy “do, or do not, there is no try” – in the words of Yoda). We prayed and discussed a lot before deciding to have #3. Not because children are a burden or I need to go back to work, but because pregnancy is really hard for me. This third pregnancy has been such a trial to me that I NEVER EVER EVER want to be pregnant again. That doesn’t mean I’m not open to more children, but I really can’t care well for the ones I already have when I’m pregnant.
So, we probably will be going to something more or less permanent to avoid future pregnancies. I think our “quiver is full” at 3 – but if it’s not, we trust God to show us that. Christians are also supposed to be the adopting people – caring for the widow and orphan; so I think we are going to look for more ways to do that (either directly through adoption or more likely indirectly, supporting our local widows and families who do adopt).
Jenny says
Anitra, please don’t do anything permanent. Pregnancy can be very demanding, I know. I’m expecting my 7th child in 11 years. I know all about being extremely fertile. This doesn’t mean that you will always conceive when you are fertile. My first 3 children and children 5-7 were all conceived on the first try or without even trying. Child number 4, we tried for 6 months to conceive her. God has a plan and we have to trust Him. While I’m a healthy woman, I have been affected by morning sickness and the aches and pains that can accompany pregnancy.
You have to look past the negatives and see the big picture. What is your purpose here on earth? What has God called you to? We are called to carry AND love our cross, as difficult as that may be at times. Life here on earth isn’t easy; nor is it meant to be. I’m not suggesting that there aren’t times when a serious reason calls for avoiding pregnancy. What I am saying is to look at marriage and motherhood as your vocation and your cross and to persevere even through the difficult times. When thoughts of how difficult pregnancy is, how you can’t possibly care for more children, how it easy it would be to “do something permanent” so that you can raise the children you already have, etc. etc. etc. overwhelm you. God will give you the grace to do what He calls you to do. I know this, because I’m experiencing this myself. I went from being a non Catholic, contracepting woman to a Catholic, contracepting woman to a Catholic, NFP using woman who would only consider more children if it “seemed like the right thing to do” for our family to now a Catholic woman expecting her 7th child and relying totally on the grace and strength of God to do His will, whatever that may be. Our families think we’re nuts and that “times have changed” in terms of having a large family. It is a struggle at times to be faithful to God and His plan but it is worth it. The deep peace and contentment that comes with doing God’s will is so much better than either fighting God’s plan or trying to adapt your plan to His plan.
I apologize for the book here; your post touched me because it reminded me in many ways of myself and my life. God bless you and your family!
Anitra says
Thank you for your loving response. I am an evangelical/Protestant Christian, not a Catholic; so the bounds of what is permissible and what is GOOD regarding contraception and baby-making are left up to the conscience. I do believe that children are a blessing (even when they don’t seem like it). I am happy with the changes that occurred (in my body, in my marriage relationship) when I stopped using hormonal contraceptives, and would not go back (for a variety of reasons, one of them being the small but possible chance of abortifacient effect – essentially flushing out a fertilized egg).
However, each pregnancy has been significantly harder than the one before, and I am getting clear signals from my body that it is unwise to do this again. As I said, I am open to more than three children in our family. But if God wants us to have more, he will show us. And it likely will not involve carrying a child in my womb again (and spending most of the 9 months in constant pain and unable to take care of my family).
Margaret says
I had awful pregnancies until I got thyroid, adrenal, and progesterone help. I also found that with weekly pregnancy acupuncture, I had the best pregnancy ever on the last one, sixth living child and eight pregnancy. I lost two girls half way through pregnancy because of low hormones. I think this is a little understood aspect of childbearing. Go to a good integrative medicine doctor and get some natural hormone help, and try acupuncture. I also wore magnets the entire pregnancy. My last pregnancy I had no bedrest, the others I had to rest the entire time to keep my baby. I also had congestive heart failure after one, so I know what it’s like to have awful pregnancy times. I really recommend the acupuncture, too.
Momof5 says
Anitra, as a fellow evangelical Christian, I completely agree with you. You should do what you and your husband think is best for your family. Adoption is a WONDERFUL option. There are millions of children in this world waiting, just waiting, for a family to care for them. God’s call for us as Christians to care for the widow and orphan is often ignored, overlooked, and glossed over. Sad. People try to appease God’s call with “sponsoring a child” or donating money to a charity that cares for orphans or deceiving themselves that adoption is too expensive (it’s not…adopting from the foster system is virtually free). My husband and I are planning to adopt the rest of our children as well. I also had very difficult pregnancies, miscarriages that wouldn’t miscarry themselves naturally, and have a child with chronic medical issues. Pregnancy for both me and my husband was extremely stressful and sometimes devastating, although the living children God did bless us with are a complete and utter JOY! I am excited to welcome additional little ones into our family via adoption, multiplying that joy for us, for them, and ultimately for our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Honestly, though, I am actually just as terrified about the challenges of adoption as I was about getting pregnant again. I would be surprised if that is not the case for many people. 🙂 God bless you for following His leading in your life! “Child avoidance,” adoption is not.
Tracy says
My pregnancies are very, very rough as well including multiple hospital trips and stays. I have 7 kids now ages 15 down to 3, including one set of twins and one adoption. After my twins (no. 3 and 4)I was determined to never suffer through pregnancy again and I had a tubal ligation. But 4 years and one adoption later, I had a tubal ligation reversal and have been thrilled with two more live births. These 2 pregnancies were by no means easy and there was plenty of suffering, oh let me tell you. It was hard not only for me but also for my other kids. But the love between my kids is immense and they are all praying for more siblings even knowing the great sacrifices they would have to make.
I am sharing this with you to let you know I have experienced a similar situation to yours. There is no way I could have imagined, while I was pregnant with the twins and raising my other 2 kids (they were 2 and 3, just 14 months apart), that I could EVER EVER EVER go through it again. Truly, my imagination could not have conceived it no way, no how. And yet, here I am now at 39, with a history of horrible, ‘dangerous’ pregnancies, and I am recovering from a miscarriage with much sadness and mourning. If you had told me this would be my life twelve years ago when my twins were born I couldn’t have believed you. Not *wouldn’t have* but really honestly could. not. believe.
God has a plan for you and for your family that you simply cannot imagine. To do something permanent is to deny yourself of the great pleasure of discovering His amazing plan that is so much bigger, deeper and wider than we could ever dream up. Of course, for us the permanent could be altered, but that is not always the case and dear Lord we are grateful for these two girls. Keep praying and persevere through these next months of pregnancy and littlehood and give yourself the gift of being available to see what God’s very best and first plan is for you. Trust in Him always and you will never be sorry.
Lauren says
Wow, thank you for this article!!! My husband and I have chosen to embrace children as they come but we get a lot of comments as we now have 3 kids under 4 years old. In my heart I know it is not absurd to have children a little less than 2 yrs apart, but society seems to say so everywhere you look. Anyway, from the trenches of newborns & toddlers I want to say THANK YOU for this blog & the constant encouragement for young families!!
KP says
My favourite was from the publically assigned OB who informed me I should wait 4 YEARS after my first baby (failed induction and ‘emergency’ c-section) to try for another baby. What little wits I had 12 hrs post op with no real sleep and doped up to my eyeballs, raised a red flag and I said, “that’s nice doc, but what’s the actually medical reccomended spacing between pregnancies post c-section?” She got miffed and but tersely told me two years. She also tried to shove implanon on me, despite my file’s first note about my religious beliefs about contraception. When I pointed out that I had time to decide, what method I would be using, since I would not be “embracing maritally” for 6 weeks and will be exclusively breastfeeding. She tried to pull the “breastfeeding is not protective” lie on me. To which I replied “surely doc, abstinence IS protective against pregnancy… don’t they teach you that in medical school?”
Nothing felt better than making her mad. She was a terrible OB. Treated the midwives and nurses like her personal lackeys.
Leila says
It’s incredible what power does to people!
These doctors know how vulnerable women are and they are not afraid to exploit that reality. And the truth is that this OB is a woman who has made her own choices too. So the vulnerable patient is, whether she realizes it or not, dealing with that baggage, even if it’s hidden under the professional veneer.
I’m glad you made her mad haha — maybe gave her something to think about!
Meg says
I have eight children and I would just encourage the women who are afraid of future pregnancies/children because of the toll it will take on their bodies to take courage. My fourth pregnancy was so hard I honestly thought that death would be a relief. I seriously considered using NFP after that, but my fifth pregnancy ended up being much easier. With my sixth it started out hard again, but I discovered an amazing chiropractor who is my not-so-secret weapon in pregnancy. He was able to knock down nausea in the beginning and keep my joints in socket towards the end. The pregnancies do not get worse each time, which was my fear as a younger mother. I agree with Leila that society assumes that pregnancy is very hard on the woman’s body, and yes, it does require attention to health, but it is also a natural process that the woman’s body was made to do. Along the same lines, childbirth is not an “emergency waiting to happen.” There is a lot of mistaken fear fed to women in our society. I am so thankful for women like Auntie Leila who can give words of wisdom and strength.
Marie says
Thank you for the third tip in your “destruction-proof” series. It was well-worth waiting for!
Molly R says
This is a great post, and I love the succinct phrase: “Child-resistance.” So expressive and true. I have, as a mother of 8 (one still in utero) so far, two things to say. One, for those with 2 or 3 children, it truly will get easier, even if/when you have more children. When they are so little, they need everything from you. And when you spend your days outnumbered by small, mischievous, energetic, needy, delightful little people, you are exhausted and overwhelmed. But really, in my experience, four, five, six just became add-a-kid. As the older ones grow up, they do help out more. And the younger ones can be easier to care for because you have so much help entertaining them. My 8 month old is very mellow, and I’m convinced it has a lot to do with the fact that every time she fusses a bit, some older sibling instantly runs up to her and begins to play with and comfort her. So even though it’s scary to think of having more when you have 3 under 3 or 4, it does get easier, and more fun. And the best part for me was telling my crew of seven that we have another one on the way. They are so excited, which really gave me a boost.
My second point regards the flip side of Child-resistance, which is that of child-demand. Part of accepting God’s will is accepting not only how many, but how few children a couple might have. I’ve met people who seem to view childbearing as a veritable race, trying to catch up with the biggest family in church, complaining about their inability to get their cycle back for 18 months after birth, etc. The goal is, it seems to me, to take each day as it comes, each child as he or she comes, and to love. Not constantly to look forward to whether, or when I might have another baby, but to accept each day as a gift, and as St. Theresa tells us, to “worry not.”
Ellen says
Thanks for pointing that out, Molly. While Auntie Leila’s post is aimed at the greater secular lie, (which is the most prevalent and destructive one) in our small little conservative Catholic world that “child-demand” as you called it is definitely an issue. I fell prey to it when it took 6 months to conceive our first. I was so frustrated and bitter because I felt like “we did everything right, we followed all the rules, we’re a good Catholic couple!” but we just don’t get pregnant that easily. Now that I’m pregnant with my second, I can honestly say that if this is my last, I am so grateful for the beautiful gifts that God has given us. I don’t deserve them and certainly don’t deserve more children, but God only knows how things will pan out. Thank you for all your wise and encouraging posts, Auntie Leila!
Molly R says
It’s true, child-demand can be particular to conservative Christian circles, but it shows up in the secular world, too, with the increase in in vitro fertilization and the more extreme fertility treatments.
Anitra says
Thank you for pointing out the inverse side: “child-demand”. It happens in some Protestant circles, too. I was so blessed when we were talking with (as yet childless) friends the other day and they told us they are now able to praise God even in their 10+ years of infertility – because if they had not had so much trouble conceiving, they would never have fully appreciated the work of God in adopting us as His own children. They are now licensed and in the queue to foster/adopt children from the government system (I think in Massachusetts it is DCF).
Adrie@ALittleWifesHappyLife says
Oh, oh yes. So incredibly true- “child-demand.” I’m in the middle of this right now. We’ve been trying to conceive, and somehow I went from “birth control is not trusting in God’s plan” to “I WILL CHART TO CONTROL GOD’S PLAN!”
It’s all about trust- trust that being given the gift of Life is the best thing for you and your family, and trusting that when Life doesn’t seem to happen, God’s at work through that, too. It’s hard to do, though! You’re so right in saying that we have to accept each day as a gift. Thank you!
sibyl says
I just want to highlight one part of Auntie Leila’s article: keep your eyes on that second decade of marriage. It is so easy to fall for the scary scenarios and to see mainly the hard parts, when you have been married 7 years and think your whole life is still ahead of you. Well, she is exactly right about that second decade. Your life, whether you have two children or eight, needs that habit of trust in God and unreservedness with your husband. Because it gets way, way harder to find the time and the strength, quite frankly, for that marital embrace. And life gets weighted down with sorrows and worries, things that can’t be fixed between you two (except through supernatural means), things that you both carry. I say this as a woman in an unusually happy marriage.
I beg you younger women to remember this post. You have no idea what God has in store for you. The more unreservedly you are connected to your husband, the better chance you will have of staying united in the coming years, even when they are mainly very, very good. And like the cliche says, it goes by so fast. My last baby was five years ago, and I am still grieving the loss of my fertility.
Tracy says
amen.
Kiera says
The truth of your words in this post spoke so deeply to my heart that I wept as I read. Thank you!
Paula says
Life is not fair. My sil that abandoned her kids had 6 kids plop plop plop. my bro was a good dad & raised them as best he could. They were still screwed up somewhat. (a couple were successful). My middle sister wanted kids so badly yet only could have one with pergonal (ha…catholic church hates that drug about as much as it hates bc pills). Yet she has a child due to it. me-we got married at 25 & 28 & said kids right away would be fine. My first wan’t born til I was 31 & again…with pergonal. #2 came along 18 months later & #3 at age 40 with no birth control or pergonal. You take them when you get them. Me-I’m no stranger to big catholic families-I’m #6 of 8. My poor mom had 12 pregnacies in 19 yrs of marriage (my dad died just before their 20th wedding anniv).
Life is not fair. but I’m blessed.
Tracy says
I think the Church has no problem with Pergonal. Also why do you call your mom ‘poor Mom’? You are one of those 12 children I presume!
Paula says
Depends who you talk to in the church…the priest in Michigan was good with it. Here in Indiana-they said not so good things about it when we went to RCIA when my dh became catholic. Hey–I’m convinced me & sis would not have had kids w/o it.
My Mum was a saint! A good woman! She was preggo quite a lot of the time she was married. (do the math). She had a horrible miscarriage right before my dad died. A baby that died at 4 days old.. a couple more miscarriages…8 kids living….That’s why she’s my poor Mum.
Sarah says
Does it involve the creation of embryos outside of the marital act, or prevent implantation? I doubt it. I haven’t researched the drug at all, but as long as it involves children being created in a loving marital act, and does not involve the senseless destruction of human life I don’t see why the Church would be against it.
Tracy says
Yes, as far as I can tell it’s purpose is to supplement/increase likely ovulation. Same with Clomid and the Church has no problem with it. Furthermore, what is allowed/not allowed in regards to fertility does not vary by diocese or priest. Thank God!
Paula says
Had a good priest tell me it was okay…here (indiana)they were strange about it. good conversation…thanks for the thoughts!
Tracy says
Miscarriages are sad and such a misunderstood grief. God bless your sweet mom.
Mary says
There is beauty in truth. Thank you for speaking the truth. Blessings Auntie Leila.
Meg says
Auntie Leila (and other experienced moms who want to chime in),
Since we are on the topic of big families, what was your experience with things like dental care for your children? I am looking at all my children’s teeth and thinking we really need to get cleanings and many will be needing braces. Cha-ching, cha-ching $$$ Was this just something you added to the budget to save up for each month? Is yearly cleanings really important for the patient?
Tracy says
We shopped around and found a dentist that gives discounts. We also invested in good electric toothbrushes are are pretty vigilant about brushing and flossing and limit sugar/candy. Also we average about 18 mo. for cleanings. HTH!
Cristina says
Meg, I am European (not a “teeth-obsessed” continent if I may say so) and growing up my siblings and I got zero cleanings. I think my brother’s first cleaning was at 18. One of my brothers and I ended up with a bunch of cavities. My other brother however had none (The one that didn’t get a cleaning until he was 18). The difference? He brushed and flossed daily since he was very young and ate much less sweets than us. (Yes, he was always very mature and responsible).
While I don’t deny that genes probably has something to do with it and I am not here to encourage not to get cleanings, I am somehow convinced that good daily hygene is the key to oral health and it can definitely saves you tons of money.
Laura Jeanne says
I agree that good oral hygiene is very important in fending off cavities. We managed for many years with no dental visits. It’s not ideal to be sure, but we made it through with only a few cavities. Since we made it back to the dentist (my husband’s new job had dental coverage) I have been more careful with helping the children brush their teeth, and we haven’t had any more cavities for the past two years.
Genes do play a role too, though. I personally have only been to the dentist a few times in my adult life (like, twice in the past 15 years) and I have never had a single cavity ever. So I guess I am one of the lucky ones who could avoid the dentist entirely and still be fine.
Heather says
Thank you, thank you, for this beautiful post.
Theresa says
Quote “responsible people use birth control; only irresponsible, sex-crazed yet also repressed–”
You had me hooked from the start with this line – it’s the story of my life, though how I can be assumed to be both sex crazed and repressed is beyond me. I’m 41 and expecting our ninth little one, we’ve been married 17 years and yes, it’s been great, crazy, messy, expensive, chaotic and loving, and while it seems I’m a way off finishing my child bearing years, I wouldn’t change it. I would change though other peoples’ reactions, I face so much scorn and disapproval it’s ridiculous, especially from family. I’m a convert and dh while he was brought up catholic, it was the sort of catholic that has two children and then ensures no more with surgical means. Both my mother and my mother in law have advised me to get dh fixed – ugh. I’ve been told that it’s disgusting that we’re still having s*x ‘at our age’ – whatever. Even amongst other Catholics I can never say, I’ve had a bad day, or that one of the little ones are playing up, NFP is constantly pushed at me, while it certainly has it’s place, it’s by no means a requirement, and I’m fed up of being told how much it will improve my marriage and bring dh and I closer together, with eight children between 16 and 1 and another on the way I don;t honestly see how it’s possible to be closer without being super glued together and my marriage is very happy anyway.
The biggest trial with a large family for me is society, we live in the UK and large families are very looked down upon here, and there is a lot of pressure on mothers from doctors, health visitors and midwives to sort out contraception of serialization after having children. But having done everything wrong in my youth like so many others, and having found a better way now, I’m not about to abandon it for the sake of some misguided naysayers – dh always says that, “misery loves company”. And it certainly applies here.
I’m often asked whether we’ll have more, usually straight after having a baby (once by a midwife less than an hour after having my forth ds)- my answer is, “God only knows”.
I don’t find pregnancy easy, I’m neither super woman or stupid, I did nothing to deserve this life I’ve got, but I’m so grateful that I’ve got it, whatever the future hold, good, bad or indifferent.
Tracy says
I loved your entire comment. Yes, we are the rebels now, lol!
Melissa Diskin says
I love this comment so, so much!
Aubri says
Thank you for your comment Theresa! I’d love to hear more of your thoughts on NFP. I don’t practice it and have been SO confused about the “strengthening of a marriage” bit I hear so much about from those who use NFP. Chastity in marriage just seems bizzaro to me, why get married? I’ve only read in Scripture that we should avoid sex for short periods to strengthen our spiritual life…..not our marriage. Then get back together quickly before one of you falls into temptation, it only seems that abstaining damages marriage, not strengthen it.
Anyway, not sure if you’ll ever see this but if you’d like to share your story and thoughts on NFP with me please contact me! aubrih at gmail.
Jennifer says
Thank you . Thank you. I was one that also thought the prevailing notion of ubiquitous birth control was normal. And after having three children in 5 years when we were newly married and everyone, even those at our Catholic Church (the Deacon included) assumed we were done, and a priest telling me birth control was OK, and me knowing nothing about NFP, I walked the road of contraception. And it was miserable. Physically, for me. As well as emotionally for my marriage. We were destructing, we were not connecting as a couple, we were living very selfish lives. By the grace of God, we were led to move to a new town, we began homeschooling, and I suddenly found myself surrounded my large families, happy families, couples that embraced God’s plan for their marriage. And my world was shaken. Everything that I thought I knew was wrong. And the graces that flooded our family when we walked away from our fear of more children were bountiful. And when we finally accepted that we would welcome more children, the unthinkable happened. I had trouble conceiving. And miscarried several times. So you are right. I know first hand. And I wish there were more people like you in the Catholic Church actually telling couples this. Because where I came from, even the Catholic Church on the ground is instilling the fear of children into the hearts of couples.
Kate says
Wow…this sure hit home. What a great post, Leila! My husband and I are struggling with this right now. I grew up with the mindset that children are the greatest gift and purpose of marriage, while my husband was raised from the, “live you life before kids bc you won’t get to do anything after” approach. To me, that approach is so wrong for many of the reasons you mentioned, and so I’m trying to balance being a loving, supportive wife (as opposed to the other kind we all have hiding deep down haha!) with explaining why we can’t really do that. And, why we don’t really want to go that route. We’re praying about it and I have no doubt God will place us on the right path, but still, it’s a struggle nowadays. Thanks for the encouragement and wisdom 🙂
Lisa G. says
Leila, did you have any trouble with your last pregnancy? You must have some trepidation over it, and I imagine your doctors were unhappy with you.
Courageous woman.
Leila says
Lisa G., interestingly, my doctor (I went to the same one who repaired my uterus with the previous pregnancy) was matter-of-fact and did his best to take care of me, although I would not call him exactly pro-life. I have found that this is usually the case. Just present them with a fait accompli and carry on.
He did ask me with a straight face how long I had been trying to conceive this child. You could tell that it was beyond the realm of possibility to him that it had just happened!
Jamaica says
Auntie Leila, I hope you know how beautiful and encouraging your words are to us young mothers still in that first decade. Thank you!
Mary says
Great post. I’m also impressed with your reader’s comments.
Mrs. B. says
My prayers for all those struggling with this issue, and my admiration for all who have a reluctant husband to convince: I cannot imagine how hard it must be not to agree on such a topic…
I have been all over the “curve”: two kids by the time our second anniversary came, then nothing for seven years, which brought me to the threshold of menopause, with only the first two of these seven years lived “cautiously”, but not really doing any serious NFP. Then, just when I was trying hard to make peace with what I though was God’s idea for our tiny family, one more precious baby!! It’s been such a lesson. I realized how much I had taken my children for granted: it is a cliche’ to say “children are a gift”, the sort of thing everyone says without thinking – until the reality of it hits you, and you feel awed and grateful.
To all women who are scared to think they conceive so easily: please, do not make any decisions in fear or in distress! I myself thought I’d see one child a year forever, given our beginnings, and with no help around me and not much money, that was scary. But it is possible to trust that we will not be sent any trial without also the grace to deal with it – this would be my encouragement for all spouses, Catholic or not: pray for grace, and seek the Truth!
It is true, though, that many, maybe even most, wives and husbands will find not much help along this road. It is awful to think of the responsibility doctors and even families and priests place upon themselves when they discourage couples, and make it sound impossible and even irresponsible to live chastely (that is, according to the nature of one’s state in life – I have seen chastity confused with “no sex, ever!” more times than I care to remember.)
Our pastor keeps saying that the Church is actually the most romantic institution: she teaches that the true love we all dream about is possible, because it is God’s plan (watch out, though: possible doesn’t mean easy!)
And another super-favorite priest (hint: he celebrated Rosie’s wedding 😉 ) once made a point I never forgot: the devil hates The Child, and so he also hates The Woman. Satan’s hatred for the Incarnation spills over as hatred for motherhood, for fatherhood, for children, for families…
So, you see what we’re up against. Thank you, Leila, for the opportunity for this great conversation!
Marianne says
This is a great article. I have 8 kids, 16-1, and we are bursting at the seams here with activity and chaos and trying to hang on to some sense of order and civility. I need a lot of the advice in your article about the first 2 secrets, so that’s good, but even with our struggles, I know that at least we weren’t resistant to blessings from God, AKA children. I will never regret having all of them no matter how far south their behavior goes. (5 boys in the mix, lots of fighting)
gwen says
Marianne, I have 9 kids ages 16–15 months….4 boys, lots of fighting ; ) Any chance you live in Pa?
You voiced my feelings almost exactly….I too, have that peace of knowing I’ve been having the babies God chooses to send. It can get crazy busy , but I wouldn’t trade my kids for any worldly pleasure. Leila’s posts are so reassuring and help me to be a better Catholic mom. Thankyou, Leila!
Beth says
I currently have 5 boys, aged 11 to baby. My, do they fight. A lot! Can I ask how you deal with it. Sometimes, I wonder what I am doing wrong. I get frustrated.
Hope says
I love this post. Well, I love all your posts but seeing as this one hits the heart of every Catholic marriage I love this one. I wish I had absorbed this before marriage. Heck, I wish I could fully absorb it now! I remember being in that place some of the previous commenters have mentioned– young in marriage, overwhelmed with the future. Still overwhelmed! It is a hard thing for some of us controlling personality types to let go bad just be faithful. I don’t regret any of my children for a second. And I know I won’t regret any future ones. However, as you said it is a constant battle to fight that stomach clenching so ingrained into us by our culture ( and our family!). Thank you for this post, I hope it blesses many!
Jamie says
Hi Leila- Several years ago I wrote you a question asking about this very issue. My fear of having a fourth child. You wrote me a wonderful long letter that I saved and read several times in an attempt to digest. In discussions with my husband we decided to stop worrying about it and enjoy our marital embrace whenever we chose without fear. You mentioned in your letter to me that I was assuming that I would certainly have more children. Well Leila it’s been about two years now and THERE HAVE BEEN NO CHILDREN. I have my three. Same as I did before. You know what is gone now though? My depression. I was in a certain mild depression over the issue, fearing more children, and fearing that there was a child that was supposed to be here. And now I can be at peace. This is my family. Perhaps if we had not spent two years trying not to have more children I would indeed have another. And perhaps I still will. But I feel God at least worked on my heart over the issue. Thank you for your words! (ayearinskirts)
Leila says
Jamie, your comment made me so happy when I read it when you first posted it, and it still makes me happy! Thank you!
Katie says
I would like a copy of this letter! Ha! We are in this same place of unrest and worry about what may or may not be.
Noel Miller says
Thank you for this! It is oh so encouraging. I wrote you a couple of years back basically asking for reassurance on this very issue, and you so kindly wrote me such an encouraging email back, and this post has gone even further to solidify my convictions. I grew up in such a baby-resistant culture (obviously both on a grand scale and also the immediate culture around me), and frequently I reflect with such gratefulness that somehow, and certainly by no good intention inherent in me, the Lord was able to bring me, gently, into this Truth. It is encouraging reading all of these comments and knowing I am not alone, some of you people please be friends with me!!
MS says
Now I need to know the fourth secret! I am one of many children so I assume my parents were open to life. We always went to Church on Sundays. We always ate dinner together. And yet something did not go right. My parents are still together but I’m not sure I’d call them happy. All us kids are grown now, but alot of us have self-destructed lives, and we definitely do not have good healthy happy family relationships amoungst ourselves or our parents.
I would say that I have a good life, and have woken up to God’s plan and love. (Though constantly still learning and receiving grace!) I am married and have three children under five. I want to build a strong, loving family, but am scared of having many more. I sometimes think that maybe my parents’ stumbling block was having too many kids. They seemed to do well in the first decade of kids, and then had no energy/time/interest for the second decade.
R says
Thank you for your words of wisdom – in a world where there is an “expert” on everything, experience is still the best guide. My husband and I were raised in Protestant churches, by parents who used contraception, and when we were first married we really didn’t think we had other options. I was terrified to get pregnant, and yet I felt guilty at being terrified. My husband was even more terrified than I was! The birth control I was on caused some problems, and I hated being on it. Though my church permitted it, my conscience did not. Going off of birth control (and, in our case, learning about NFP) was a major step – we didn’t know anyone else doing it. Our marriage has definitely changed, and for the better – partly because we see how much our children have been a blessing, changing us and growing us as people, and partly because there is freedom in our marriage bed now. When we found out we were expecting our fourth (due any day now!), my husband – the guy who at one point had only wanted two kids – was truly excited. But the paradigm shift, for us, has been a slow and gradual thing. It took years of God moving in our hearts before we both finally felt like we were on the same page. People ask us all the time now if we’re “done,” and I’m not really sure what to say – how do you explain such an intimate decision? Because it isn’t just about taking a pill or not, it’s so much more than that.
Anitra says
I know what you mean – attitudes within Protestant churches can be all over the place, and as a result, EVERY married couple feels like they must be doing something wrong with regard to children. (Childless couples or families with one kid feel guilty that they’re not trying hard enough, big families feel guilty for being “irresponsible” by having so many, etc.)
I think it’s best to try to show God’s love to EVERY family where they are – one child, three children, ten children, no children; homeschool, private school, public school; living in a big house in the country so their kids can have lots of room to run, living in an apartment to save money; both mom and dad work, only dad works, dad works multiple jobs – it’s so easy to make judgmental comments for people whose situations don’t match our own. It’s one thing if you’re asked for advice, but I’m tired of hearing unsolicited comments on my family size or what I should do after kid #3 is born or how homeschooling would be better for my family. So I’m trying to remember that and hold back my OWN comments to other families that could be taken the wrong way.
As far as the “are you done?” question – have an answer prepared. After #2, my short answer was “probably”. The longer version was “I don’t really know. We’re going to take some time to think and pray about it.”
Maybe the best prepared answer in your situation would be “that’s up to God and my husband.” It answers the question while gently letting the interested party know that it’s really none of their business.
Stephanie says
I am 12 weeks with number five, Leila. My mom and I had an awful fight on the phone Saturday morning…”I can ‘t believe four wasn’t enough” is ringing in my ears. You blessed me with this post, truly timely. If I might add for other mommies on this open to life road, seek Him in the Holy Eucharist for the strength to persevere in this most holy work. God bless you xxxooo love from Alaska
ArdenLynn says
This comment brought to mind my mother’s reaction when I told her I was having my 3rd. She told me that I better watch out because it’s the 3rd baby that ruins your life. I was also, ahem, her third child. It’s slightly funny now. Slightly.
I went on to have 5 more babies but let my dh do the announcing to my parents.
Jenny says
I have four children. Just this past weekend, my oldest rushed into my parents’ house and said, “Grandma! I have something exciting to tell you, but I want Mommy to tell you.” The look of horror and trepidation on my mother’s face clearly indicated she thought we were announcing another pregnancy. We weren’t, but it’s disheartening to know even my own mother doesn’t understand.
Laura says
Your blog continues to bless and encourage me, Leila! Thank you for your reassurance and wise words. This post was timely for me, too. We are discerning a fifth child and though money and health and even, really, sanity are not major issues, it is easy to fall into the trap of thinking that another child would be a burden somehow. Loved this post.
Emily b says
Thank you, Leila, for this post! It will rank right up there with your post on “how to tell people you’re having another child.” 😉 (I have read and re-read that one; so encouraging!) I so appreciate your willingness to speak truth–in a beautiful way–to our generation!
As for my own experience, our fourth baby came very soon (well, for me: 20 months I think?) and I remember practically accosting a now-friend of mine at church who has eight children, asking her how I would ever manage (it’s so funny to think back on this now). And of course it was really hard but I remember her saying: “most of the things in life that are worth doing are hard work.” But they are completely worth doing. I have never forgotten that and still cling to it in my tougher moments. (Of course as you point out: this particular work is also rewarded with a table full of loved ones–such a gift!)
And as for the gift of fertility, it is so true that you do not know what the future will hold! I have a number of ups and downs along that road as I’ve gotten older and I always tell younger women that you just don’t know what your next decade will bring. For those struggling in this area, I love the natural approach in “Fertility, Cycles and Nutrition” by Marylin Shannon. It is *really* helpful and full of nutritional wisdom and information pertaining to cycles and fertility.
Blessings–
Freckled Hen says
When I was newly married and instantly became a mother I look back now and realize I didn’t know a thing. I am glad for that I think. We are in our 40’s now and have 6 children. This year I was diagnosed with some health issues that most likely will progress. If I had known this years ago would I still have had baby after baby? I think fear would have overtaken me. Every single day my prayers are full of gratitude for my children. I feel like they were given to me, a gift from God. I am so glad I never made those decisions in my young mind that romanticized travel and my husband and I spending all that time with just each other. We couldn’t have gotten any closer than raising six children together brings you– both in our faith and in our relationship. I spent a short time thinking it’s not fair, but as soon as I opened my heart I felt that loving peace that has nurtured me for always. It is the opposite of unfair. He knew what I needed before I could ever understand.
Margaret says
I cried when I wasn’t pregnant two months after our wedding. I loved my husband so much and wanted his child! Birth control was the “big thing” at that time (52 years ago), so we promised God that we would be happy to accept any child that needed to be born but was being rejected by someone else. By our fifteenth wedding anniversary we had welcomed ten beautiful babies, one at a time. Originally I had six under six, but then I began to breastfeed each for a year to overcome a baby’s allergies and they came about two years apart. Today they are all wonderful and contributing members of society and all true to their Catholic faith. We have twenty-eight cherished grandchildren. Yes, we often had to decided who got new shoes and who didn’t get their teeth cleaned because of that. We were definitely poor; I stayed home and my husband worked in a factory, but we were so happy. We just celebrated 52 years of marriage. What I miss most about Motherhood is the breastfeeding! I’m s glad you youngsters are accepting these beautiful gifts of God’s grace called “children”. God love you!
Betsy says
Your comment has blessed me. Beautiful, absolutely beautiful. And real.
Tracy says
thank you so much for this comment.
Susan says
Yes, thank you so much for taking the time to write this!
gwen says
I’m a 38 year old Catholic mom of 9. In my 19 years of marriage we’ve never used birth control or done NFP. I guess you can call it SNFP—Supernatural Family Planning. God is totally in charge. It took me 2 and 1/2 years to finally get pregnant with #1… I begged God tearfully WITH ALL MY HEART to grant me a baby. I felt confident and at peace after that …next month I was pregnant. I know that experience made me truly appreciate all my other babies…4 were 17 months apart .It wasn’t easy, but I got through it! I struggled a bit finding out I was expecting #9. I was hoping God would give me a longer break between pregnancies. I wanted to shed more pounds, get my homeschooling in better shape…..go on vacation ALONE with my dear husband for a couple daysBut you know what? She is the CUTEST THING EVER!! All my kids are absolutely loving this baby girl !
Leila, thankyou for your encouragement. Awhile back, I was so hurt by an older woman’s comment. She said to me ”Just dont feel like you have to have them SO close”…Maybe I misunderstood her, but I felt that she was implying I was competing with other large families! Not true! Ugh—it was annoying….
My mom had 8 kids [all csection]…I remember how at my bridal shower a kind young mom bought me a book on NFP. After everyone left, my mom calmly took the book , threw it in the trash and said in her Spanish accent ”You won’t be needing THIS”…. I was like,okay mom, whatever you say ! Well,my mom is my lifesaver—most of my siblings are having tons of kids and she’s always there when we need her!
Elizabeth says
I honestly think that for a young girl, it’s very good to learn about her own fertility and cycles and the way her body was made. Learning nfp is a very good tool for this and I would definitely introduce my teenage daughter to that, if I had one. She doesn’t need to use it to avoid having babies, but it can help her understand and love her body and it’s signs, which is a good thing in itself.
Cristina says
Is there an age at which you would say NFP is recommended because of the mother is getting older and pregnancy can be a risky affair for mom and baby? I am turning 38 and having a big itch to have a third baby but society and statistics keep scaring me. I want to have faith in God that if I do become pregnant, I’ll be able to cope with whatever happens, but I keep looking at my two healthy children and wondering if I am being selfish wanting this baby and putting their mother (me) at certain risk that will be paid by my children if something bad happens. Maybe I am thinking this too much and I undertand that 38 is not THAT old either. But how about women turning 48? Should they also avoid baby resistance? When do you make the decision that you have fulfilled God’s word without putting yourself or your existing family in some level of danger?
Colleen says
Cristina – I suppose everyone’s health is different, but my mom had 5 babies after that magical age 35 which is now considered “advanced maternal age.” She had no serious issues with her pregnancies and everyone is happy and healthy to tell about it. I know there can be risks associated with giving birth at an older age, but I fear they are so overstated and are scaring women away from having babies when biologically there is no reason they shouldn’t. I am INCREDIBLY grateful for those 5 little people my mom brought into the world when I was a teenager. Unless you have a specific health condition that would make pregnancy dangerous for you, I wouldn’t worry about being an “older” pregnant mom. I think the AMA scare tactics are part of the Child Resistance culture.
gwen says
Hi Cristina,
The Catholic Church allows NFP for SERIOUS REASONS…Otherwise, just live your whole married life open to whatever God has in store. You never know what/when He is done giving you children. St. Frances Xavier Cabrini was born when her mother was 52!
Most docs are going to make you feel ”old” even in your 30s and its just ridiculous. I was told at age 36 [pregnant with #9] that I was old, risky, whatever….everything was fine.
I highly recommend a little booklet called HANDBOOK FOR PARENTS by FR. PAUL WICKENS. I was blessed to know him personally—always so encouraging to mothers. May God rest his soul. He also has a booklet called HUSBAND AND WIFE…you can probably find on Amazon
Becky says
I think you do have to consider you individual circumstance and perhaps discuss it with a Priest or other religious mentor. But, I also wanted to point out a little mentioned fact. I have’t double checked recently but a few years ago, more babies with Down’s were born to women under the age of 35. This is because there are simply more women having children under the age of 35 and therefore more babies- canceling out the increased likelihood statistics. I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes with my 3rd pregnancy to the utter shock of all involved have 2 previous, uneventful pregnancies and no risk factors beyond that I was pregnant.
What I’m saying is that statistics can be used in all sorts of ways and that basing your decisions purely on statistical probability may not be the way to go.
Patty says
I think the decision has to be completely individual because only the couple asking the question can answer it. According to one of my doctor my second child conceived when I was 36 was “too risky”. I’ve not carried a child to term since and I can’t imagine life without that child. I have family who were absolutely shocked when I miscarried at 43 and 45. It was assumed we “took care of that” a long time before because we had two children five years apart and no more.
I read the risk of Downs Syndrome in a 40 year old mother is 1 in 100. But then flip that stat around: The likelihood of *not having a child with Downs in a 40 year old mother is 99 in 100. Same statistic, different mindset.
I just found a statistic indicating our lifetime odds of getting killed in a car accident are also 1 in 100 (in the United States). The New York Times states 1 in 84. Why doesn’t society take the same dim view of driving cars as it does of pregnancy around the age of 40?
Cristina says
Unfortunately fear and paranoia are modern evils fed to us and I’m one of the many victims. (Baby-resistance tactics of our current culture, I know). Thank you so much for your responses. You are a very wise crowd.
Martha says
I love this post.
My husband and I have been open to life from the first (we’ll be be married three years this July). So far, two babies – one in Heaven, one napping as I type. It’s funny because, I thought we’d be the butt of every joke – I thought we’d have three in three years or something crazy! I was prepared for the scorn of the world, prepared to welcome every child.
What I wasn’t prepared for was the scorn from my own community, when people assume we’re contracepting! When it took us a whole whopping seven months to conceive Susannah, we got several asides. And now that she’s 18 months old, they’re starting again!
It’s really opened up my eyes to the importance of welcoming children. You never know if you will be super fertile or sub fertile; it’s too precious a gift to spend years wasting. Think if we had waited! Been painstakingly charting, causing all sorts of frustrations and worry, then finally start trying only to realize we’re slow starters!
Colleen says
I can’t express how much I love this. We were blessed with excellent marriage prep and a community with a child-acceptance mentality, so I think we are more fortunate than many, but even still, it is so uplifting and encouraging to read. We started off on the fast track with a set of Irish twins. Now we have 4, and we “finally got that girl!”, so there is some expectation from coworkers and random strangers in the store that we are “done”, but I just can’t imagine making a decision like that – such finality! There is a tremendous peace in handing it over to God, which contrary to what some people say, is not a cop-out or an excuse to not use the brains God gave us.
I especially love that you acknowledge it’s not a “peaceful peace” – more like a chaotic, crumb-filled existence that is filled with tears and laughter and grace and the knowledge that God will bless our humble efforts to do His Will.
Thank you. <3
Elizabeth says
This post voiced my thoughts on the matter so well…. this is something I started thinking about only recently, but it has changed my mindset a lot. I went from hormonal contraception to NFP to ‘let go’. I think that all saints teach us about obedience to God, which is closely connected to stop wanting to control your own life, and letting God lead you the Way to Heaven instead.
People seem to think that before the invention of the pill, everybody had more than 10 kids and both parents and kids suffered because of this. When I studied history, I was so surprised to see childbirth statistics throughout the ages. In Europe, 3 or 4 children was about the average, usually spaced generously (3-5 years apart), until the late 19th century.
I think it’s ironic that so many people invest so much their time and energy in their work/career (often suffering and shedding blood, sweat and tears), thinking it’s ‘completely worth it’. Yet these same people regard raising children as hard work, too hard and difficult to have more than two. Yet all of them will acknowledge that having children changed their life for the better and made them better (more virtuous!) people. Well then, why not have more, and become even more virtuous?
I do have some questions though. I have friends whose fertility comes back within 3 months after giving birth, while breastfeeding exclusively and on demand. A woman in my church had 4 children in 4 years and honestly, she looks horrible. She seems completely overwhelmed and her children don’t look happy and cry a lot. This woman is still in her twenties…. wouldn’t it be wise for those who can’t space their babies through breastfeeding, to do so by using NFP?
A phenomenon that personally scares me is the ‘tired of parenting’ mode that my parents and many of their acquaintances entered after child 4, and/or after having reached a certain age (35 and up). My parents let a lot of things slide with my youngest brother and openly admitted they were tired of raising kids. He is a teenager now and my dad will say things like: “the playstation is the best babysitter for a teen, it’s a lifesaver.” My brother spends hours and hours gaming and watching TV. This is pretty surreal to me (the eldest of the family), because my parents were so devoted to their kids and a healthy family life when I was a teenager. The scary part is that they are far from the only ones. It makes me feel like there’s only so much of your years that can be spent raising children.
I know this isn’t some law of childrearing, but it almost feels like one. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this matter.
Thank you for writing so well and clear and pastoral on such difficult and intimate topics!
Becky says
I’m a Methodist so I’m sort of fuzzy on the details. But, I know what you are saying about the overwhelmed young mother. I see it with some of my friends. The thing that I wonder about is if she is that overwhelmed, how is the couple managing to achieve the marital embrace? I don’t know about the rest of the world but I tend to need a minimal amount of sleep and non-mommy head space to even get to a place of welcoming overtures. I wonder if those couples are really having the conversations they need to have- distinct from baby resistance just, I’m not ready for the embrace right now. It seems like there are some elements offering some buffer beyond just a flat “has your fertility returned?” or even “oh! didn’t realize it had!” A lot of women, fertile or not, find a number of activities somewhat uncomfortable for a time. You may, very well, have a very small person hanging out with you in the bedroom for a time which can also put a bit of a damper on things. While, yes, some women are quite ready for all manner of things, right away, and some women will get pregnant from just the one time, there is also a need for an awareness of other avenues to intimacy that have nothing to do with certain touches or activities.
Elizabeth says
I think the Marital Embrace that Auntie Leila talks about is very broad…. and means physical intimacy between spouses in every possible sense.
It has been surprising though to hear from my friends, that they are having regular intercourse from four weeks after birth. For me, that would not have been possible, but apparently for some women it’s not and issue, even with sleepless nights and colicky babies.
Another problem is sometimes, that the husband semi forces the woman to have intercourse, even when she experiences pain or is really tired. This is off course another evil in it’s own right.
Leila says
Elizabeth, no, not exactly physical intimacy in every possible sense. The marital embrace means something very specific!
To Becky — the rest of this blog is about how to get to a place where you are not so very tired and overwhelmed!
Anon7 says
I read what your questions and thoughts are, and I suppose *this* is exactly why the Church doesn’t give exact numbers, nor require strict adherence to only one way of bringing up a family!
I am in awe about the number of couples who are able to just “Let go and let God” and am humbled and a bit chagrined to say that I don’t do that. Although we have 5 wonderful children, it took several years before we were blessed with them. We were researching Family Planning in order *TO* conceive, and learned a lot about our bodies and my cycles. I truly believe children are blessings, but I also believe our Lord gave us brains to use, not to CONTROL God’s plan for our life, but to understand it and be “co-creators” with our Lord. I may be in the minority here, and I believe everyone needs to do what is best for their own families. It is a wonderful mystery when considering fertility, and with prayerful discernment I think it’s best for couples to pray first, and to make the best choice for ALL members of our family before adding another soul to the mix-being open to life doesn’t necessarily mean having as many babies as possible…but also to have the fortitude and love to be able to raise them up–at least, for us.
I have witnessed huge families at church that must be overwhelmed because the older children are raising the younger ones….I know, it is good to teach children responsibility, but I’m talking about actually raising them up FOR the parents who are off at retreats, or off speaking at church about how wonderful it is to have a bunch of kids. I think it’s sad. I believe that when considering the marital embrace, and knowing that each act could create new life, the couple needs to carefully consider the children already in the family.
I am not doing my job as “Mommy” very well right now: there’s clutter everywhere, our academics have slipped, and I don’t feel like I get the chance to connect and read to and cook with my kids as much as I would like—for me, this handful is enough. For now–and maybe forever. I have peace with that, and know that if God decided to send another little one, we would welcome that soul with open arms—but if we are into the next phase of raising the children we already have—I would welcome that, too.
Leila says
Elizabeth, remember, you aren’t seeing the sad women who said “no” at church. Or you see them and don’t see them…
Don’t go by appearances!
Dixie says
You know what I really miss from your old site, Auntie Leila? The ability to sort comments by timestamp (the “newest first” button). It made it really easy to keep up with the conversation on comment-heavy posts like this one without having your inbox flooded by signing up for comment notification. I’m not that tech-savvy, so I might be missing some trick here; but anyways, just a thought!
priest's wife @byzcathwife says
a beautiful post (as usual)!
an old post of mine- entitled “family size not equal birth control usage” might be useful to some readers…
http://remnantofremnant.blogspot.com/2012/03/family-size-does-not-equal-birth.html
Elizabeth says
Thank you for this link… I am shocked to see how people assume and judge each other about the size and spacing of their families. I had no idea about this and think it’s evil. Society may judge, but they are blinded. Catholics judging each other is far worse, I think.
I live in the UK and go to a conservative parish where large families (double digits) are by no means exceptional. But none of these women (who I meet up with weekly) ever gave me as much as a glance, let alone asked questions about why there is still no number 2 on the way, even though my son turns 3 in August. If they did, I would have yelled at them for sure! Is this something American perhaps? It makes me really sad.
Elizabeth says
I’m not sure it’s uniquely American. I live in America and honestly nobody cares how many children I have — at least, nobody has had the gall to say anything about it. I’m like you. Anyone who wanted to tell me what to do family-wise would get an ear full! 🙂
Of course, that doesn’t include actual wisdom from people — just uninformed opinions for things “they know not of,” as they say.
Jenn says
Dear Auntie Leila,
I just wanted to write, for those of us readers who are or grew up as protestants: I think there is so much confusion surrounding this issue. We are currently Anglican (so, as one of our priests says, we consider ourselves as the catholic church as it exists in England) with no plans to change but my faith has come alive under the influence of orthodoxy. It took me a long time to unlearn some of the things I learned from my Evangelical upbringing. You are voicing the stance of the Church as it has existed since the beginning. This issue, in particular has been coming up for me (married 5.5 years, two boys) lately very often and I just LOVE this call to action: be open to your husband. Be open to children, be open to life. Say yes, just like Jesus. I appreciate so much that you see and can articulate the vast tide of death culture you see as more and more women in our culture are eschewing what it means to be a woman and I appreciate even more that you bring it home. We can only change culture (and by that I mean even the foothold of culture in our own hearts as well as the culture around us) one small act of faith at a time. One day at a time. I love the comments here too – they are working on my heart as I go about my day. I appreciate so much the woman who was advising another young mama to take one day at a time. That’s very much the season I am in. I see the big families around me and I couldn’t be more proud of them – yes, even when mamas are looking slightly bedraggled. I think they are beautiful.
Kelsey says
Leila, I’ve already commented, but I just need to really tell you again that this post is really “working on my heart,” as Jenn said. I am so thankful for your wisdom, and I am sure that God will richly reward you for all of the many ways you are helping to bring about His Kingdom in the hearts of so many.
Dana says
I enjoy your blog so much for the wisdom that is obviously straight from God.
As an Evangelical, birth control is more or less accepted. The homeschooling movement has obviously changed this some what. When my husband and I married 21 years ago we decided to go against the grain and not use birth control. Talk about scary! We knew no one at the time that had this crazy idea. (I since have several close friends with 10 or more children.)
We married at 28 — and our first son was born 11 months after our wedding. Our second son came 2 1/2 years later and our daughter 3 years later. That’s it! We have 3 children — not the dozen I expected. It has sometimes baffled me but I clearly accept that God opens and closes the womb. I never had a miscarriage — all my births were normal and healthy which I praise God for.
What hurts is that there have been on more than one occasion well meaning folks that have asked me why I’m not open to having more blessings? Its assumed that if you have the requisite 2 boys, 1 girl then you are done. We would love more! But at age 48 I’m thinking that probably won’t happen.
I have always looked at my children in this way — God has perfectly planned our family. I did nothing to subtract from His perfect will. I am a blessed woman!
Thank you again Leila and daughters — for sharing the truth in your little corner of the world.
Anabelle Hazard says
Auntie Leila, this article is beautiful and your family is beautiful. Someday, (when I am done grieving for my three babies who died in utero), I’ll be able to write about how much your post has blessed me.
Elizabeth says
Since you posted this a few days ago, I’ve been thinking about it constantly! Sad to say that my husband and I are not on the same page here. He’s got some physical handicaps that make him pretty afraid that he won’t be able to be a good father to many children (he’s a GREAT dad to the one toddler and unborn little one we have now!) and also he’s the oldest of 6 (7 if you include a step brother living part time with the family, and 9 if you include two recent additions, which we don’t really because they’re the same age as my husband’s own children), and his parents were… not good, to be kind.
I also worry about not being able to wisely parent and love my children well if I’m busy being sick all the time (pregnancy is hard, although I’ve not been hospitalized or anything, thank the good Lord). Plus, after I had my first, I fell on some seriously difficult times emotionally and spiritually. I have been encouraged to read what some of you ladies have said about eventually children actually becoming helpful. My little toddler loves to help but there’s only so much she can do without just living some and gaining experience!
Maybe we’ll get on the same page. If not, well, I’m comforted knowing that God can do what he wants, no matter what we’re doing. If we’re meant to have a certain # of children, we will get that number.
Thank you for such a thought-provoking, insightful post, as always.
Bee bee says
I grew up in the pre-birth control pill age, and was about 16 when “The Pill” was introduced. I was hurt and angry that in just a few short years something I thought was a good and wonderful thing, i.e. getting married and having a family, was suddenly viewed as somehow abnormal and to be avoided. And that my ovaries were the enemy.
Imagine, if you will, that suddenly our culture began to tell us women that breasts were just plain gross, and anyone having them should have them removed immediately, or at least hide them. Imagine young girls being lectured about how to bind their breasts, and older women being counseled about various surgeries available to have them removed, and social shaming when a woman dared to appeared in public with obvious breasts showing under her clothes. When something that is natural to your very self, a part of your body that you value and think is good and wonderful is suddenly demeaned and shamed, well, it is extremely confusing and painful. If this really happened I know you yourselves would think, “What’s wrong with having breasts? What’s wrong with letting them show under your clothes?” That is how I felt when suddenly motherhood was degraded and demeaned. You call it “child resistance” but it is really an underlying disapproval of the function of our ovaries and uterus.
I could not imagine, and still cannot imagine, what insidious force had suddenly taken hold in our society and emerged to destroy marriage and families like this. Suddenly my peers, both men and women would sneer at the prospect of having children, calling them “rug rats,” where only a short time before almost every woman (and man too) hoped to get married and have a family.
I could only think of it as somehow demonic. And even when the light bulb goes on for someone like yourself, the culture still is acting out of the horrific lie that our reproductive organs are dangerous and our enemy. They have robbed us of our joy.
Marianne says
Great insight and so true! It’s heartbreaking, really. It’s so ironic how society has gone backwards while thinking it is making progress. It’s an upside down world out there.
Bee bee says
Since I wrote this, something has occurred to me that never has occurred to me before. I am of the “baby-boom” generation, and perhaps, just perhaps, some wonderful social engineering think tank out there did the calculations in the early 1960’s that if every baby boom female had four to eight children (as her parents had done) there would be such a population explosion from the 1970’s through 1990’s that it could not be dealt with. So perhaps, just perhaps, there was instituted a birth control/abortion campaign to limit the number of kids born to the baby boomers. And if this is why there was such a turn to an anti-children stance in our culture, then I think it worked.
Jamie says
I know I already commented, but I’ve been thinking about this since you posted it and I wanted to add another thought.
The medical community is not kind to women who want families.
Increasing numbers of women are giving birth by cesarean section and then not given access to vaginal birth after cesarean. Cesarean births are typically much harder on the body and while a woman can have 6 children, it’s a completely different matter to have all those six children via cesarean section. I think birthing issues that today’s mothers face make it scarier prospect.
Also, the moment a woman gives birth in today’s culture she is offered contraception IMMEDIATELY in the form of a mini-pill. She is told it would be dangerous for her to get pregnant right after having the baby and that breastfeeding isn’t reliable.
Its as though the whole OBGYN experience is slanted towards contraception and intervention-filled births. So ladies, you all have to resist this. And it can be hard.
Jenny says
Oh I keep commenting but I can’t help myself. Here is the thing that finally pushed me off of hormonal birth control forever. After I had delivered my first child, I, of course, got the birth control lecture in the hospital, but then at my six week follow-up, my doctor gave me a hard core lecture about how I needed to start taking the pill again THAT DAY or else I’d be pregnant again within a couple of weeks and that breastfeeding never worked. I had researched lactational amenorrhea and knew she was full of crap. I couldn’t bring myself to ingest synthetic hormones that would be fed to my infant through my milk if there was another way. It turns out that my fertility didn’t return for 11 months. Once that barrier was broken and I learned I could trust my own body, I swore I would never go back. My understanding of all the moral reasoning came later.
If I hadn’t done my own research, there is little doubt that her lecturing and bullying would have convinced me to go back on the pill.
elizabethe says
I have to say that c-sections have been a life saver to me. I have had two emergency c-sections (the first after a very long labor going through an all-natural mid-wife practice and the second while attempting a V-bac) and one planned one.
I’m not criticizing people who want to avoid c-sections but the truth is that birth is and has always been very dangerous for women and it is not a clear cut story linear story to be told about whether the prevalence of c-sections is “bad” or not. I know in my heart that my baby and/or I would be dead or something else terrible if we could not have c-sections.
I’m totally with you on the pushing of contraception. My doctor doesn’t ask me anymore after I made clear we were Catholic but she used to say “and you’re perfectly fine with it if you got pregnant again right now?” However, preparing for my last c-section the prep nurse in the pre-surgery room was like “now this is just a c-section or a c-section and tubal ligation?” I, of course, alarmed, practically yelled, “JUST a c-section!”
They make you state very clearly for the whole operating room what your procedure is supposed to be before they start so I’m a not really scared of it happening accidentally, but just the casualness of that one nurse’s attitude was disheartening.
Martha says
I’m the first to agree that c-sections are life saving medicine and we are very lucky to have them. I hope no one implies they are bad as a medical procedure!
But please be careful saying “birth is and always has been very dangerous for women.” I think that is another aspect of child-resistance: the ingrained message that birth is HORRIBLE and SCARY and THE WORST PAIN and then you’ll DIE (obviously the italics are meant to be their emphasis, not trying to yell !) .
Normal, healthy pregnancies are still the norm; advancements in medicine have made even high risk pregnancies capable of being relatively safe. Of course, there’s always risk, but I think we should shy away from calling something that happens every day, often quite uneventfully, ‘very dangerous.’
Kaitlin @ More Like Mary says
God Bless you for writing this! You will change many hearts by your words and I think many souls will be created thanks to the openness to life you are encouraging us to have. Only in heaven will you see the blessing that your writing is to so many people.
MCJ says
Like previous commenters, I can’t quite seem to shake this post from the brain. So much to pray and think about.
Ashlee says
Auntie Leila,
I haven’t read all of the comments so I don’t know if you’ve already addressed this, but what do you recommend when there is a legitimate danger for more pregnancies for the mother? The birth of my only child went horribly and I truly almost died. The doctor has suggested no more pregnancies for me because of damage that was done in the saving of my life. As you can imagine, my husband is terrified! He loves his little boy but says almost daily, “I don’t know what I would do without you.” So far, I’ve been giving him space and time with the hope that he will come around someday. Everything with my little one is bittersweet and I mourn each little step he takes towards growing up (solid food, boo!) because I think he will be my last. Also, we are Protestant.
Dixie says
Ashlee, I know much more experienced people will want to respond to this, but I will say at least that (1) depending upon the details of your situation, there may be more moral and medical options open to you than you might think or than your doctor might be aware of, both for avoiding a pregnancy and for someday, God willing, safely carrying another child (or more) and (2) NFP really is very reliable when used correctly if you are in a situation where you need to avoid pregnancy either temporarily or long-term. In your case, you would probably need to be very conservative (i.e. abstain from the marital act for much of the month rather than just a few days) and to abstain completely while learning it (which is often suggested, anyways).
I wonder if it would help if you contacted the NaPro/Creighton Model people (Auntie Leila linked to them above, where she says, “By all means do learn more”). They are among the very few who have pioneered surgeries and other treatments for gynecological/obstetric problems that go beyond just “take the Pill” or “tie those tubes.” Even though you are not Catholic, it might help you to talk with some of these Catholics who have made it their life’s work to address difficult problems in the OB/GYN world and who can give you a thoroughly pro-life medical perspective. They might be able to help you find information or things to read or refer you to some reliable bioethicists or at least tell you if there are things you have not heard of that can be done to make pregnancy and childbirth safer for you.
The other thing, if you have a truly grave reason to avoid pregnancy (as it seems you might well have), is that it’s important to take seriously the drawbacks of contraception in terms of their effectiveness. The Pill is not 100% effective even when used perfectly and your likelihood of conceiving while taking it increases over time, as Auntie Leila mentioned. But most models of NFP — which are morally preferable and have few if any side effects and no medical dangers associated with them — are equally effective. Don’t buy the lie that you won’t get pregnant if you use contraception — even two kinds simultaneously — especially if it’s vital that you don’t get pregnant.
God bless and keep you and your family!
Anon says
Addressing the NFP effectiveness issue — we used NFP to avoid pregnancy during a several year period when my womb was not a safe place for a child. We used conservative rules because we felt very strongly for any child’s sake that conception was to be avoided during this time, and we were successful. I hate to use the word successful when discussing *not having children, but can’t come up with something better just this minute. I will not tell you it was easy. However we were very strongly motivated under our circumstances and by God’s grace we did it. Honestly as bad a rap as NFP gets in some Catholic circles I truly believe in our case it was a blessing because the alternative (which we would have accepted — *that motivated*) was complete abstinence for an extended period of time.
During that time I got the business from some Catholics about using NFP at all, and then I’d go to the doctor and get the business that I hadn’t done something permanent about it. I completely agree you should get support from the resources linked by Auntie Leila, because I would have loved to have an experienced, pro-life but unemotional shoulder to glean information from. Blessings to you!
Molly R says
That must be scary for both of you, to be told that. I think I would get at least a second opinion. I’ve heard of situations in which doctors have told someone she absolutely should not have another baby, to wouldn’t be safe, etc., but when she went elsewhere, particularly to a dr. who was sympathetic to the desire for more children, learned that she could have more children, just with certain precautions. So it might be worthwhile to look around for another doctor who might be able to help you.
Jen says
Ashlee, my cousin nearly died giving birth as well. It was very scary. She ended up adopting her next baby. It wasn’t an easy road I know.
I hope you can get very good second opinions and make the best decision for your family. I know I heard of another woman in the Diocese of Phoenix who almost died during her second delivery and she and her husband use NFP to avoid pregnancy. She has a very serious reason as well.
God bless you! I will pray for you tonight!
Zagdoun Rose-Marie says
Please sister, adopt ! do you know the number of times God has blessed couples with children of their own after they adopted ? I don`t know really, but there are a lot of testimonies out there … I pray God`s blessing on your joint decision.
Jennie says
I love this. I second what Kaitlyn said, many souls may be created thanks to your encouraging words. God bless you and your writing.
Natasha says
Thank you so much for this Auntie Leila! I want to come hug you and cry on your shoulder.
I married my husband at 18, we had our first baby just before I turned 20 and then we converted to Catholicism. We were completely won over by the churches teaching on birth control. I always wanted to have a big family but after having two VERY high needs babies in a row I have been completely terrified of the number of children that we might have being married so young. I’m 26 now and pregnant with number 4 while my husband is still in school.
It’s hard being so counter cultural I feel like everyone thinks that we are terrible irresponsible people when really we are just a married couple doing what married couples were called to do. Thank you for making me feel normal!
Clelie says
I think I am going to start carrying business cards with a link to this post printed on it. I would love to hand it out to all of the MANY people who ask me “you’re done having kids right” or “don’t you know what causes that” or “don’t you have cable.” I have 5 children 5yrs old and younger and I am 31. I’m tired of fighting mentally and emotionally the “worry” of another child. This post is freeing for me. Thank you.
Diana says
Dear Auntie Leila,
I’m yet another woman who would like to come and cry on your shoulder with gratitude. THANK YOU for this article. When I clicked on it, I was sure it was just going to be something along the lines of “Take family vacations together” or the like. Seeing that your topic was accepting the children that God gives was such a breath of fresh air, especially as we are now expecting a new little one and have received very little enthusiasm from family (and haven’t since baby #1). We are Protestants, and thus, unfortunately, have been a bit isolated in our decision (made about three years ago) to accept the blessings that God gives. Thankfully we are now in a like-minded church in which children are truly celebrated (instead of “What, you’re pregnant AGAIN? Why?”), but it is difficult being surrounded by a hostile culture. Again, thank you SO MUCH for this article. You can only imagine what a tremendous blessing it has been to me!!
Diana
Jessica says
I broke the rules and skimmed the article because it was so long, but I got the jist of it and then I was so impressed that I read EVERY SINGLE comment. So I’m going back up to read the WHOLE POST word for word. Many of the comments blessed me so much. I am 28-almost 29-. I started my family young, out of wedlock, I have an 8 yo. Then after I met and married my husband almost 5 years ago I was on birth control until right after our wedding. I wanted to get pregnant soon and wanted to let my body have time to adjust and had never really heard anything about NFP or letting God control your family size (even though I have a cousin with 10 kids…haha). We got pregnant 9 months after our wedding. 5 months after him we got pregnant again. I was scared to death that it was going to happen over and over. Here I was, newly married, with a 4 year old and 2 babies under 2yo. I got an IUD which is what my dr recommended. I knew nothing other than what he told me. I thought it was a good idea since my insurance covered it completely and I didn’t want to have 3 children under 3yo. We wanted to wait 2 years before we tried again. Looking back, I know that God was poking at me (if he does that!) because it took them 3 hours to get a normal IUD inserted properly and I had to have 4 nurses “try to fix it” and an ultrasound to make sure it was in there properly and I almost got up and said, “Just take it out, Nevermind!” After 4 months of bleeding continuously with my IUD and never really feeling right about it, I ran across a beautiful blog by getalonghome.com (she has an ebook on this subject (not a catholic perspective though!) that is free now too). I immediately read to my husband what she was saying and he said, “ok, let’s get the IUD out, I never felt right about it to begin with” So we had it out and 3 months later we were pregnant with our 4th child. I managed to have my 3 under 3 yo even WITH the 4 month IUD break in case anyone is counting;-) Now here I am, pregnant with our 5th child. In September, we will have an 8yo, a 3yo, 2yo, 1yo and a new baby. Yes I will have 4 UNDER 4!!!! Don’t tell God that you “can’t handle” 2 under 2, because he is still laughing at me about that!!! All joking aside, I love all my babies. I am so glad we are on this road. I loved the quote about how you’d rather go through trials for a houseful of blessings than go through trials and have an empty nest. I think we are on the VeRy fertile spectrum, we have a 14 month gap, an 18month gap (due to the IUD) and a 15 month gap. I exclusively breastfeed until I get pregnant and my milk automatically diminishes. That’s the first sign that I am pregnant! I haven’t had a chance to try NFP even though I wanted to after our 3yo because by the time I was tracking my cycle, I was already pregnant. I don’t care about NFP anymore really…I am still scared about the future. I’m not a super mom or a super hero, I break down, I yell, I cry, I get frustrated, my house is a mess most of the time, I am definitely not perfect. But I feel completely at peace with leaving our family size up to God. I can tell that God has led us down this road and I am willing to follow where he leads us. Right now I’m a little scared that we are going to have a baby every 14-18 months because I’m ONLY almost 29…I could have a dozen children before I’m 38! Reading many of these stories has helped me to remember that even though right now I feel like I am taking my fertility for granted, it could be gone after this baby, this could be the last one, because God really does open and close the womb.
Ok now I am going to re-read the post word for word 🙂
Margaret says
Jessica: You go girl! I’ve had to pray and try for every baby, so just be a blessing to the world. If you get to have one of those huge families, you will be so blessed, and if God decides it’s enough, HE’S IN CONTROL!
Zagdoun Rose-Marie says
Awesome testimony … so realistic !
Heather says
Dear Leila,
My husband and I have been moving more toward this perspective. And today, we learned we are expecting our sixth. It has been, until now, one of the most difficult years of our lives. But what you wrote here has been such an encouragement to me. God has poured abundant blessings upon us; what is there to do but rejoice? Now, in the midst of the struggles, there also is joy. It’s almost strange to me what a peace I feel — at a time when I have been questioning if I should be working outside of the home, to feel instead called to focus on my children is like finding out it’s Christmas morning, and I have gotten the one thing I wanted most, and it wasn’t even what I knew I wanted most. I don’t know if that makes sense; I just want to say thank you. And, God bless you!
Lisa Rose says
Heather, it not only makes sense (maybe you have to have been there yourself to understand?) but the way you put it sounds like poetry. 🙂
May God continue to bless you .
Anne says
I will preface my comments by stating that I am Protestant, Evangelical, and Baptist. I hope that means I can still be a hale fellow, well met! 🙂
My thoughts have done a complete 180 from when I first got married almost 15 years ago. I duly went on the Pill…and it took a couple tries with different ones to find one that worked and didn’t give me awful side effects. I had had irregular cycles (come 2 months, skip 2 months, but when it shows up again, not the same time as the 2 months on previous to that…) prior to this, so I was actually somewhat relieved to have a regular cycle for the first time in my life.
Fast-forward to 2002….my husband got laid off from his job, and this was some months after us deciding that I would stop taking the Pill so we could try and conceive. I’d no longer have coverage for the Pill because his work benefits would end upon his layoff/end of severance. So, we decided that whatever happened, happened. We trusted that if we conceived, it was part of God’s plan for us, and if not, that was part of His plan every bit as much. His layoff was 8 months long (it felt longer at the time…and he had interviews that went nowhere, and he took a $10/hr. job so his CV wouldn’t have such a huge gap. We live in Ottawa, ON Canada, and he got laid off JUST before the Nortel/high tech bubble burst.). What was painful was watching friends, our age, who weren’t even TRYING to conceive, conceive. My husband had another man at church joke to him “what are you doing, firing blanks?” We got asked “when are you going to have a baby?” It was painful. Then, in January of 2003, he got a job…and a month later, we found out I was pregnant. Pregnancy went well, and after a VERY long and natural labour, my 10 lb. baby was born via C-section (she was stuck, it was 30+ hours of labour, and they were concerned for her health/contractions breaking down, etc.).
I did try and go on the Pill while nursing, we found one that wouldn’t interfere with lactation, but I felt awful. We also tried the Pill after I had to stop nursing her at 6 months, but I felt SO AWFUL on it…I felt like I was going crazy and I felt ill…we decided to just not bother. I had regular cycles after this pregnancy. Almost exactly 2 years later, we conceived again, and my son was born, via planned c-section. For many reasons I’m not a good vbac candidate…and upon his delivery, it was found that the complications that led to a section for our daughter were there for our son as well. After his birth, we didn’t go on the Pill at all. It was advised for me to not have more children…many reasons, and I do not feel the need to go into them all, suffice to say, my dr. was not a knuckle dragging Neanderthal and the reasons were valid. We chose to go another route and my husband took care of it (read between the lines, please no judging….you are not us, you weren’t there, you have no idea).
Since then, my thoughts on the Pill, contraception, and God’s sovereignty in those things have changed. I didn’t know till recently that until the Pill, Catholics and Protestants shared the same views on these things. I do know, all things being equal, and if I had not had the sections, we’d probably have had more children (depending on my body’s co-operation/lack thereof, and God’s plan for us). I will be having a different conversation about these things with my daughter when the time comes. I must say too, that after having our second child, I understood the dynamic of larger families…it was less of a shock to the system going from 1 child to 2, than from no children to 1, at least in our experience. We understood how just 1 more happens and they fit in and away you go. I will also say that not using the pill and other means has meant that I am more aware of where my body is in my cycle…I have an app on my phone that I use to track my cycle and symptoms (PMS and cycle symptoms), and it’s an amazing little tool.
I will say that I believe that the breakdown of any sense of community in our society, and even in our churches, has gone along with the child resistance thought. there is NO support for families, or little support…and I mean in the community sense…that shared understanding and shared support. Think of it, those of you who would be in my Mum’s cohort (over 60) when you were raising your littles, compared to me and my age group now…yes, y’all had your issues and we have ours….but just that broader sense of community, that wider base of support and community is not here now, and us young’uns are feeling it. We go home from the hospital, alone, with our baby, alone, having had 9 nurses and 10 opinions given about breastfeeding/what to do with baby, our heads spinning, and our hormones all amuck. As we, those of us who do this, stay at home, we are increasingly lonely…I’m the only one at home during the day on my street, pretty much, and my kids are 9 and 11. “When are you going back to work?” is the question du jour, whether your child is 1 month old, 1 year old, or 11 years old. The collective sense of value of parenting, family, and motherhood, is pretty eroded. God is sovereign, and He’s even in this…and I trust that this pendulum will swing back the other way again…but really, right now, it’s a hard row to hoe, not only in the being NOT child resistant, but the doings of raising said children, and the community and values around it.
Just my (Cdn.) $0.02 worth! 🙂
Caroline says
Phew, I loved this post, and it really revolutionized the way I feel about family. What a shock and relief to realize that all my opinions I hold dear are actually just the garbage our culture has indoctrinated us with. I used to be so pro-choice! For feminism! And after reading this, and reading other posts about open to life (because I couldn’t stop reading about this idea once Leila opened my eyes) I realized what a cop out it is and how damaging this throw-away mentality is to women! It’s not empowering to be sexually liberated by taking the Pill. It’s made us disposable because there aren’t any consequences. Now I’m married with three kids. 2.5 yo and 1.5yo twins. Using NFP because I think my body needs more time. Except now I’m pregnant…so here we go again. Thanks to this post I’m going into this from a place of trust rather than fear.
Lauren says
Re-read this article and just wanted to say “yes, thank you!”. We have been open to life and have had 4 children in our 6 years of marriage. As I look at my youngest (beautiful 2 month old girl) I am so grateful that I did not make short sighted decisions based on society/the hecticness or overwhelmed feeling I had with two. I still have days where it feels like a vacuum, but it is fulfilling and it has united me and my husband as we’ve both had to throw ourselves into our vocation. Thank you again for this and all your articles!
Germaine says
Hmmm I know several couples who are hesitant to ask a priest about using nfp to delay having children (myself included) because he’s always extolling large families at our parish; so I’m a tad wary of the priest’s experience you mention. My husband and I went to a small Catholic New England liberal arts college (not TMC), and knew that we wanted to be married to each other, but he waited to ask until he had a decent enough job to support a family first. It took about a year and a lot of prayer. : ) We had a lot of shared priorities and one of the things we discussed when we were in college was Humanae Vitae. Due to half the class having different “authoritative” english translations, we soon realized that there were meaningful words omitted in section 10 of HV depending on which translations you had – not replaced but omitted!
This is from section 10 of HV from the Vatican english translation (emphasis mine and indicated by asteriks): “With regard to physical, economic, psychological and social conditions, responsible parenthood is exercised by those who prudently and generously decide to have *more* children, and by those who, for serious reasons and with due respect to moral precepts, decide not to have *additional* children for either a certain or an indefinite period of time.”
The words “more” and “additional” are missing in some translations. It was notable comparing the Ignatius Press and Pauline Press versions, but I don’t remember which omitted the words.
My husband and I took this to mean that it wasn’t advisable to get married if you weren’t open to seeking at least 1 child from the getgo. I know marriage is ordered to the wellbeing of the spouses, etc…but the Church has always taught that the *primary* object of marriage is procreation so it made sense to me. Taking this into account, we decided that we weren’t going to marry until we knew my husband could afford to meagerly support a wife & child as we both wanted me to manage the home once our first child was born. Child #1 came soon after our honeymoon. We’ve been married 5 years now and are very blest. We’ve had 2 children less than 2 years apart, are still renting a home and now using nfp to postpone having another child for reasons that are between myself, my husband and the Holy Spirit. We want to have more children and are accepting our current use of nfp as a cross but also a Godsend. Still, we’re eagerly looking forward to when we have more gifts (children) and have never once regretted not doing anything to prevent having a child at the start of our marriage.
A last note regarding the translation discrepancy: usually the authoritative translation (editio typica) issued by the Vatican is in Latin and that is the case with Humanae Vitae. That said, I’ve been told that it was first penned and issued in Italian prior to being released in Latin. I haven’t yet, but one of these days I’m going to sit down and see if I can figure out what exactly Pope St. Paul VI intended.
Leila says
As I said in the post, I’m not going to go into “NFP reasons” here – there are other places one can have that conversation and I never find it a fruitful one. My purpose here is to give the benefit of my experience, such as it is (and that of the priest who is indeed very long-lived and wise).
What changes a person is seeing how certain ideas play out over the decades. There are many things my friends and I thought and said and did (at a time when this conversation was far more intense than it is now) that now we look at differently as grandparents and seeing how things went for some. I am not here discussing theories — I am talking about how to keep your family from falling apart.
I will say that the last 7 years have taught us, I hope, that although an encyclical cannot go against Church teaching, it is not always going to express it in the best way. There are other considerations, including common sense, that have to be brought to bear. My “secrets” as I call them are not my own, but are things people used to know. If they help you, great! If not, that’s fine. If you want to know what I think about ways in which Humanae Vitae is not the complete statement of the church’s view of marriage, please see my book “God Has No Grandchildren” which is a reading of Casti Connubii, a far more encompassing and vital document.
The main thing I am trying to say is that we can look at things legalistically, but it’s not the best way, simply because God’s plans are not our plans — he has much more in store for us. It’s more important to know what GOD intends for us than what Paul VI intended for us.
Grace says
Reading this makes me so sad. This is the way my parents were, I come from a family of five kids. I always assumed and planned on having many children and my husband and I planned to not use birth control when we first were married. I got pregnant on our honeymoon and then again 17 months later. However both children had extremely rough baby hoods, what with illnesses and I had very rough pregnancies. Also we then had a huge family and parish wide crisis which left me in great spiritual despair, to the point where my husband later said he would come home every day not knowing whether I would still be alive, my despair was so great, though I never was suicidal. He absolutely refused to have more children with the state that I was in. I prayed so hard, pleaded so much to no avail. I asked the advice of several priests after some years and they said that for the sake of my marriage, I should just accept it, although it wasn’t optimal. I prayed so hard that God would miraculously send us more, that the condoms would break. We didn’t use birth control pills because of the risk of killing a child. But my husband never wavered and there was no miracle. I am intensely grateful for the two that we do have and honestly, I was in such despair for so long, God knows what was best for me. But grief still pops up from time to time. I regret not trusting God more in our spiritual crisis so much. Maybe if I had, my husband would have trusted me and God more for more children.
Leila says
Dear Grace, I hope you are not sad!
What your husband did, he did out of love. It wasn’t right but he felt the burden of caring for you *and no one was there to help*.
The Church was not there, the priests were not there. The other mothers who had gone through suffering and come out the other side were not there. They all succumbed to the worldly forces.
Pray that your husband thoroughly repents of using birth control, and pray that you both find peace. The past is the past. You are right, there are reasons we are allowed to make these mistakes (and honestly, sometimes we can’t judge our past selves too harshly). What matters is repentance and total abandonment to God’s will NOW.
Be of good cheer! Be grateful that your heart was not hardened! Be at peace! Lots of love,
Leila
Andrea Maciejewski says
This is how we have lived our 24 years of marriage. We studied NFP when we were engaged, but really just found it cool understanding our fertility, we knew we didn’t discern to limit our family (although my mother in law told me “I know what the Church says, but if I were you, I’d go on the pill! Look what happened to me!” What happened was she gave birth to my husband!)
My mom told us not to wait. All her friends told her to wait, but she and Dad are glad they didn’t, they had me!😄
We had our first daughter a year after we were married. Then next daughter 2 years later, next daughter almost 4 years later, miscarriage 3 years later. It looked like we were the perfect planners! I would have loved more, but our friends with 8,9, 10 kids told us it put us in a position to evangelize in a unique way, because we looked “normal”.
Then 8 years after having our 3rd daughter, at a time in my husband’s career when he was traveling constantly, we had one little date night and BAM! (It was my 40th year, and I had consecrated my year to Jesus through Mary, giving her permission to do what she willed in my life. We love our Mother!) We gave birth to Maximilian Kolbe 9 years ago, and the rest is history!
No menopause yet. I joke that if I had another, I’d break a hip in delivery. But riding the tide of life and marriage, this is less likely. Whatever happens, we are so glad for the family God gave us!
Incidentally, early in our marriage when the big kids were little, a friend was having her 4th when I was having my 3rd. I asked the stupid question as to whether she would be having more. She didn’t hesitate in saying that they follow the teaching of the Church. We weren’t the only ones! 18 years later, she and I still have a very deep friendship, and so many friends in Christ who share our commitment of faith!