Well, of course there are many secrets. Who am I* to say that I've identified the four most important things?
All I can promise is that, at least in this post, I will not mention any others. I've thought of four and I'm sticking to that!
So, to recap these secrets of fabulousness to date:
1. Eat dinner together, especially after you've given up on ever getting anyone to behave. I did go on at length about this, because I believe in giving you all the details. When you buy my book, you are going to be astonished at how something about mystagogy includes instructions on how to deal with spent matches. Laugh if you want to, I deserve it.
Among the many blessings (gone into in those posts) of eating dinner together is one that is relevant to my final secret, and that is that you really get to know and love each other. You enjoy each other's company. You connect with each other.
2. Sundays are for rest. Seriously, if there was one thing you should do, just to, you know, give the Holy Spirit a chance to be heard, it's setting Sundays apart. For this post's purposes I will say that (among many blessings!) on your restful Sundays you mysteriously connect with what's outside of you and your family — specifically, opening yourself up to whatever messages the heavens wish to bestow on you. Making Sunday a true day of rest, worship, and celebration is like turning your phone on — if you were expecting a call, that is.
So a connection within your family and a connection between the family (and each person in it) to the vast beyond.
3. Love when you want and accept the children God sends. I can't go on to the fourth secret without giving you this one. In our deeply child resistant culture, it's unheard of to suggest that this is the way to live. In a time and place where people have no idea how to bond with each other (down to never eating together) and no clue as to how to find God (including treating Sunday like any other day), it seems foolish to even dream of opening yourself up to an unstressed way of life that trusts.
But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty (1 Corinthians 1: 27).
There is also something else:
“Those who have hope live differently.” (Pope Benedict XVI)
As crazy as that sounds, it's pure sanity compared to trying to live out the fourth secret while resisting children in all the lying ways the world has to offer.
The fourth secret, now, can be divulged.
4. It is for husbands and wives to be friends with each other, and how can that happen if, in your intimate life together, you treat your most precious gift of yourself as a threat? So, before reading further, go back and revisit that post, especially the part where I wonder how self-help ideas can work where child resistance is a way of life.
Back? Okay… So… What does it mean to be friends?
Friends admire each other. Friends choose to be together. And friends are polite to and considerate of each other.
The husband and the wife should be friends.
When you are first married, you are lovers and expect to feel, as well as be, so forever. The fires subside and all the books tell you to be sure to try to fuel the flames with certain methods. Surely you don't need advice from me on that score. Open any magazine. (Except, don't. They are not actually helpful.)
My thoughts are more about when you are dealing with every day — how you react to each other, how you speak to each other, what your default attitude is.
Friends treat every time they make contact with a certain eagerness. They animate their voices to express their anticipation. They smile with shared adventure. They make sure the other knows that the encounter is appreciated, though they rarely discuss their mutual affection.
Now think about husbands and wives. Think about how your voice sounded over the phone. Was it flat and merely informative? Did you convey a smile with your voice? Did you sign off warmly? How do you walk through the room where your spouse is busy? Do you interrupt heedlessly? Do you make eye contact in a friendly way?
Think about how friends laugh at each other's quips. I notice that men laugh uproariously at each and every lame joke that's made, fanning themselves into a veritable bonfire of tired puns. For guys, there is no pun that needs to be sent to bed. There is no exhaustion in punning.
I think that's great and more power to them. They are having a great time! So just imagine if every one of those men went home and just managed a gentle chuckle at something his wife said in passing. Think how it would make her day to be appreciated for her sense of humor. It's not that he doesn't think she's witty. He certainly thought so when they first met!
It's just that now, he's in the habit of not laughing when she talks. Sad for her — makes her feel like he's not really friends with her…
Being a woman, I am intimately acquainted with the way women relate to each other. Having good friends is a joy. You really prepare for getting together with your friends. You dress carefully, act really cheerful, and in general bring a great attitude to meetings with friends. Just imagine if you acted this way for your husband?
I wonder how much the enjoyment we get out of being with friends is proportional to the effort we put into it?
You can object that it's different, since you don't spend all your time with your friends — at least, not as much as with your spouse. You don't live with them!
Well then, bring just a little of that energy into your interaction with your husband. Give him a little admiration — at least a proportional amount of sparkly eyes and peppy conversation. Offer him one fraction of the consideration you give your pals.
When I put it that way, doesn't it seem a bit silly to stint him?
Here's the thing. It's really hard to be with someone for years and years and not see all their flaws, exclusively. Only an effort at admiration will overcome the tendency to devolve into a flaw-noticing machine. Want to survive with your marriage intact? This is it! This is the secret, I tell you!
For some reason, with our friends we are aware of how our own flaws must seem very evident to them. Yet with our spouses, we do the opposite: We assume that only his or her shortcomings are noticeable, and our behavior is the gold standard!
C. S. Lewis said, “In a perfect Friendship this Appreciative love is, I think, often so great and so firmly based that each… feels, in his secret heart, humbled before the rest.” (As an aside I will say that this is a good way to judge whether any person should be a friend…)
A marriage counselor was heard to say that the habit of despising a person is nearly impossible to recover from. Couples who are in “despise mode” get divorced. What is the antidote? Maybe nothing.
Don't get to that point.
Keep despise mode far away by employing admiration and respect. Feed admiration and respect with gratitude. At the minimum, this vexing person you are married to accepts YOU. Who else would? I don't kid myself that there is anyone else (of course, the Chief is far from vexing — he is amazing and treats me like a princess! Which makes it all the more astounding that he puts up with me.)
Now here is the practical part: Men and women need to be admired in different ways. (These ways are based on my own experience — feel free to discuss with each other what you actually think about what you would need to feel admired.)
Sure, there is a basic human level of appreciation that everyone can get on board with receiving. There are many books out there that will tell you what those are (hint: don't criticize, don't nag, try to understand the other's point of view).
But to you husbands, I would like to say that your wife needs to be admired for her beauty, for her character, and for her devotion. It doesn't hurt to let on that you appreciate all that. Letting her finish what she is saying and giving her the impression that listening was really worthwhile will go a long way to making her feel loved. Let a beat go by before you respond to show you're giving it some thought. Don't just wait impatiently to throw in your own stellar comment. Laugh at her jokes.
I've sometimes noticed that a man will listen to any random person except his wife (talking about group conversations here), all but ignoring her. You've heard it before, you say? Try treating what she says at least as respectfully as your buddies' possibly less than daisy-fresh remarks and watch her blossom. Take her insights seriously. She knows you and God put her there to tell you stuff you need to know.
To you wives, I'm warning you, we have no idea that a man must be loved as a man. Does your husband know you admire him? Can he be admirable if his one true love won't glance on him with approbation? And do you further know that he wants to be admired for being strong (physically strong) and protective? For taking care of you and your (probably numerous, if you follow Secret #3) family? Why do we withhold this blessing from our man? Why do we refrain from openly admiring him?
Try giving him that look — that look that says “YOU are my man.”
The other day, I glimpsed a woman rolling her eyes in exaggerated disgust at her husband's clumsiness — something trivial, I assure you. Something that she would have bent over backwards to cover up if it had been a friend of hers committing the gaffe. Ah, that's the test, isn't it? What does it profit you to treat your friends with patience if your own husband can't make a mistake without the whole world knowing it?
Has there been bitterness between you? I'd be surprised if not. But try admiration first and then work your way up to forgiveness, rather than thinking that admiration and friendship will come later, when you've sorted things out.
Wives, when he comes in from wrestling with bears (or getting sand off the driveway or removing the guts of a mouse that the cat left on the mat, whichever the case might be), tell him how much you appreciate it.
Husbands, when she starts to tell you about something she read or wants to discuss an issue with a neighbor, listen with a smile.
Both of you, don't let the children prevent you from listening to each other. They can wait their turn.
When you mess up, forgive each other readily. When there is a problem, address it in a friendly way rather than as a criticism. If there is something you need to repeat, tease lovingly or exaggerate wildly. Anything rather than that exasperation that dwindles to simple nagging…
The sad fact is that most people with marriage issues don't realize that they are in a dull state of entitlement combined with a good amount of rudeness. We expect a self-help book or date night to rescue us, when really, all that will only help if we've grappled with some of of what seem to be ordinary moments and put some spunk into them.
Are you friends? Do you laugh together? That's the key. That's the secret!
_____________
*(Who am I to come up with secrets? These are thoughts from almost 35 years of marriage and from many conversations with friends whose marriages have also weathered many storms.)
priest's wife (@byzcathwife) says
🙂 this is so true- we chose each other- we are a team- ‘us against the world’
I like your point about not letting the children interrupt conversations between husband and wife- this is key- also, there should be a bit of ‘bragging’ when it comes to appreciation. I say to the kids- don’t waste that food- your dad works all day at the coal mine (really- hospital- but I call it a coal mine) to buy that for you. And it is significant for the kids.
priest's wife (@byzcathwife) says
a suggestion for those women who are not friends with their husbands right now- 1. talk about him positively in public…maybe even letting him overhear (but never anything too personal or secret- friends keep secrets) 2. start a hobby together that only you two do- maybe making a complicated dessert once a week- or a sport- or fishing or something- I think being the couple that golfs together (or whatever) helps with the friendship part of marriage
Theresa says
But Aunt Leila,
It’s hard to find the energy and enthusiasm (and maybe even kindness) when you’re so tired and worn down and maybe even a little resentful about alll those little ones. How do you muster it when all you really want to do is crawl into bed and sleep?
Rozy says
I’m not Aunt Leila, but I know from experience that if you are the first one to show kindness and appreciation he will respond in kind and begin to help with all those little ones so you can be rested and show more love and appreciation. I made the mistake of continuing in resentment and it didn’t work out so well for me. It’s taken years to rebuild from that mistake.
sibyl says
Theresa, I have so been there. Auntie Leila will have better ideas, but here’s mine: When he gets home, muster the best smile you can for him and say, “Hi!” in as bright a voice as you can find in yourself. Then, later, give him a hug, and while you’re hugging him, let him know in words how much you like his strong shoulders or arms. Talk, in his hearing, about how smart and accomplished he is to your kids.
Becky says
When I have been in that situation (and I totally have!), I tell him how very much I need him. I tell him he is my rock- in fact, I have been known to say “I need my rock!” I tell him that I know he’s put in a full day at work and that I am so impressed that he can man up to pulling full duty at home, as well; that when I simply can’t seem to muster another ounce of umph, he is THERE and pulling his load and some of mine. You can admire and ask for help at the same time and sometimes that help is exactly what you are admiring! 🙂 You do have to be willing to give over on how *you* would do a task but I was generally just so happy to not be loading the dishwasher or giving the bath that I didn’t much care about the how as long as it got done. 🙂 Showing the children how much you admire and respect him by allowing him to care for them AND you can mean a great deal to everyone. If it’s something that doesn’t just happen (and it may very well not be), talk to him about what you need from him, in clear and specific ways and asking for things he finds in the realm of possibility and then step back and let him do them. When we had our first baby it was letting me have 20 minutes to shower and dress without interruption. 🙂 We all grew from there and he is now very involved and I feel quite supported and nurtured.
Caitlin says
Really a genius post here, Auntie Leila. Since I have been married only 7 years (albeit very happy ones despite some difficult circumstances, due in part because I think that my husband and I try our best to do the things you mentioned above) I will largely keep my mouth shut except to echo something that Becky said.
Usually, the times I experience a lot of frustration directed at my husband (as opposed to circumstances) are when, during a high stress time, I find that he cannot read my mind and know what I need from him. It recently dawned on me that maybe I should just be very specific about what would be helpful, and it has made a difference! He is just certainly the kind of guy who does very well with being given a specific task, but maybe has trouble knowing what to do all the time. And often I find that it makes him feel appreciated, because he likes to feel that he has “fixed” the problem even if it is something as simple as running to the grocery store to get milk/washing the dishes/playing with the kids so I can have a few minutes to myself. Of course, the next issue is not feeling guilty for being unable to handle everything myself, but that’s another topic!!!
Mary Elizabeth says
I have not read yet what I am sure to be the many lovely responses but someone said once to me if you can find it in your heart to greet warmly your little one (even when they wake you far too early or far too late) can’t you muster something nice to welcome your husband the same way?
Kate says
A man I know who has been happily married for 60+ years told me that the marriage advice he gives his grandchildren (and great-grandchildren) is ‘Forget about beauty and money. Marry someone you can laugh with!” I also remember a sentiment from a book I read years ago: the author wrote that one of the loveliest things about being married is catching your spouse’s eye across the table at a dinner party and knowing you were both secretly amused by the same comment of another diner.
LJ says
I love you, Aunite Leila! I’m so happy to file all this away BEFORE I’m married!
Sunny-Gem says
Me too! 🙂
Rebecca says
So very true. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and insights. Try looking at your husband as God’s child too. It will humble you!
Jan says
I loved this article! I loved all of it…every bit. Signed up to follow via email. So glad I was sent your way…keep writing!
Melanie says
The sad fact is that most people with marriage issues don’t realize that they are in a dull state of entitlement combined with a good amount of rudeness.”
Yep. It’s so easy to slip into this too,,over some minor, silly thing even. And then someone acts rudely enough to sting. So the other one does too. And on it goes. Someone has to swallow and be the one to be sweet again. Doooo iiiitttt.
Lisa Rose says
Great post! I have thought for many years that the two most important aspects of a marriage are respect and tenderness. Both are essential!
A story related to your “one team”comment: Quite a few years ago, my husband recorded a tape of himself playing classical guitar for a Christmas gift for his parents. We are both amateur musicians but I had my hands full with a lot of little ones at the time. I figured all I contributed to the soundtrack was some dishes clicking in the background as I tried to wash them quietly in the next room. But when he made the cover for the tape, there was my name, just as prominent as his. What? “We’re a team sweetie!” was his answer when I asked about it. I have never forgotten that.
Also, I grew up in a family of complainers. I didn’t know any different. Then I married a man who never complained about me…ever! So how could I complain about him?? Truly I learned how to behave in marriage from my husband. It makes me think of the saying “BE the person you want to marry”.
Thanks again for all your great insights.
Kathy@9peas says
“Be the person you want to marry” that is wonderful!
Laura Jeanne says
Lisa, your husband’s “We’re a team sweetie” comment was just so sweet and loving…how blessed you are to have big-hearted man like that. Just lovely.
Patty says
You know, being able to laugh with my husband was what cinched my attraction to him in the first place. The minute he was able to tease (in a brotherly, friendly way) and joke with me, was when I knew we had clicked.
And it continues here in our tenth year. 🙂
Diabra says
So good. I may have gulped a few times. But so good. Thankyou.
Freckled Hen says
This might be my favorite post ever. I can’t say which number I feel most emotional about…you have put each so perfectly.
Anne-Marie says
“The really important thing, if a marriage is to go well, without much love, is very very great niceness – gentillesse – and wonderful good manners.” –Linda Talbot reflecting on her first marriage, in Nancy Mitford’s _The Pursuit of Love_.
Momof5 says
Wonderful post, especially number four. Number three does confound me a bit, though. It only makes sense for the very blessed women who are able to become pregnant and bear children rather easily. For the rest, I’m pretty sure number three would read offensive and the practice of it actually increase personal and marital stress by leaps and bounds. Just a thought.
Dixie says
Momof5, yes, pregnancy adds tons of stress! If you’ll go back and look at the comments on the secret #3 post, though, you will find that most are from women who do not have easy pregnancies (or who struggle ), and yet are in full support of this approach. Living this life goes richly beyond the worries that one might have when considering it 🙂
Dixie says
*struggle to conceive
Momof5 says
I went back and read the entire post for number three and most of the comments. I saw a few like you mentioned, but it seemed to me that most were written by mothers of many, many children. My husband and I are evangelical Christians, not Catholic. What does the Catholic church believe about adoption? There are millions of children in this world waiting, just waiting, for a family to care for them. God’s call for us as Christians to care for the widow and orphan is often ignored, overlooked, and glossed over. Sad. Many people who are perfectly able to adopt try to appease God’s call with “sponsoring a child” or donating money to a charity that cares for orphans or deceiving themselves that adoption is too expensive (it’s not…adopting from the foster system is virtually free). My husband and I are planning to adopt the rest of our children. I had very difficult pregnancies myself, miscarriages that wouldn’t miscarry themselves naturally, and have a child with chronic medical issues. Pregnancy for both me and my husband was extremely stressful and sometimes devastating. Of course, the living children God did bless us with are a complete and utter JOY! In any case, we both feel very strongly called by God to adopt from here on out. I am excited to welcome additional little ones into our family via adoption, multiplying that joy for us, for them, and ultimately for our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Honestly, though, I am actually just as terrified about the challenges of adoption as I was about getting pregnant again. I would be surprised if that is not the case for many people. This is certainly not “an easy way out” or some sort of child avoidance. God bless you for following His leading in your life to expand your family in the way that you are! I just hope that you and others realize that pregnancy and childbirth is not the only God-approved way of filling your quiver. 🙂 In fact, God Himself adopted us into His family!
Dixie says
Momof5, I can see that we are on the same “side” in terms of loving God and trying to raise holy families!
I guess what I meant about the comments were that these mothers of many did not regret their way of approaching sexuality; and those young mothers who were struggling received encouragement from many of these women. Also, it is good to remember that not using contraception will no lead to tons of children for everyone (as Auntie Leila points out).
Regarding adoption, of course Catholics support it; adoption is a wonderful way to add to your family and a great act of love. Catholics believe like all Christians that we are called to care for “widows and orphans.” I am so sorry if anything I said somehow suggested otherwise! As you probably know, Catholic Charities has long been a leader in facilitating adoptions. I would hate to think anyone would ever consider it an “easy way out.” But I think that adoption is a related issue to what is discussed in the post, and not really at the center of it.
I wonder if you’ve maybe misunderstood a little bit the Catholic approach to secret #3. It’s not exactly the same as the “Quiverfull” movement or the like. It certainly seeks to be open to life, but there is not a requirement or anything like that to have many children, or as many as you can, or to constantly be “trying.”
Auntie Leila didn’t go much into it because it was not the point of her post, but the Catholic Church clearly teaches that a couple can discern that they need to limit or attempt to postpone pregnancies if there is a serious reason to do so. The Church teaches in the major document on birth control and human life, “Humanae Vitae,” that couples are right to be “prudent” in the planning of their families. However, as Auntie Leila explained, the Church does not believe (and neither did any other Christian body, until about 100 years ago) that contraception is a moral means of achieving this. That is where NFP (do look it up. It IS effective — as effective, in fact, as the Pill, although it is not doing quite the same thing) comes in. And yes, in some extreme cases, there is even cause for abstinence.
I am so sorry to hear about your difficult pregnancies and miscarriages. I am a young mother and have not had to bear the pain of losing a child (although I do suffer from hyperemesis gravidarum in my pregnancies). It must be an incredible grief.
God bless you as you continue in your family life!
Jasmine says
#3 wasn’t as much of have a lot of kids as it was that we shouldn’t let the thought of becoming pregnant keep us from being intimate with our husbands whenever we want. It was about being free to love our husbands and not let contraception or NFP get in the way. That is how I took it anyway. Getting pregnant is hard for me too, I was blessed with 3 girls but always thought I would have a larger family.
Tori says
Yes! My husband and I believed that friendship was so important, we made sure to spend time as friends before even dating. He continues to be my best friend to this day, as we approach our ninth wedding anniversary. Thank you for sharing your insights!!
Janet says
“The sad fact is that most people with marriage issues don’t realize that they are in a dull state of entitlement combined with a good amount of rudeness.”
Truer words were never spoken! Why, oh why, do spouses feel that they can be rude to each other while being so careful of what they say to their friends? And then the very folks who have taken the tolerant natures of their wives and husbands for granted are shocked when said spouses have enough and walk out the door.
I have heard people say they were “blindsided” by a spouse’s request for a divorce when everyone who knew the
couple weren’t surprised at all.
This advice is worth a year’s worth of marriage counseling.
Mrs. B. says
Since we’re discussing “marital manners” I’ll add our idea: My husband and I have agreed never to go to sleep still angry/upset/resentful/etc. We need to be able to pray together and say goodnight with love. This has helped us a lot by having frank conversations about things bothering us, and also by effectively limiting the time we spend “sulking”: the rule doesn’t let a problem balloon into something bigger and more difficult to tackle. What is interesting is that whenever we refuse to follow this rule (ok, it won’t surprise anyone if I say I am practically always the culprit!), we’re very much aware we’ve (I have!) let something bad happen, that we’ve (I have!) privileged pride over charity and humility – and we can’t live long with that feeling, so the next day whatever needed to be discussed the night before is finally let out (often through emails – writing cools heads!)
And one more reminder: people are not mind readers, even our best friends, so not even our husbands can guess right all the time. I have a hard time with this one, I must say… Maybe because I am somewhat intuitive by nature, I expect the same of my husband, and just marvel (and feel disappointed) that sometimes he just “doesn’t get it” without being told, whatever “it” happens to be. I could have spared us quite a few disagreements with a less demanding attitude!
Sarah says
I recently re-read Auntie Leila’s sterling advice about so many behavioral problems being solvable by better food and more sleep. I love thinking about a couple who can talk about hard things late at night, but I’ll tell you, this is not me or my husband. In fact, we have a custom of not talking about anything hard after 9 pm. By then we are settling down, chatting about comfortable things, reading, or listening to music. We do not talk about money, work schedules, stressful unfinished chores, computer issues, or when we will visit each other’s families. For me, everything looks better in the morning. Often the issue has disappeared. I create problems by talking about hard things when I’m tired.
Kathy@9peas says
Excellent Leila, as always. We only have 23 years of marriage but over time we have a few things we value as well as what you’ve shared here. * Be a good ambassador for your spouse, it really makes a difference in how you feel when you don’t give voice to their faults. *Trust each other, this could fall under respect. The idea that any random person can say the sky is blue and you take it as fact, but will argue with your spouse about that fact. Trust each other. *When we get locked in a disagreement, one of us will always save the day by suggesting that at least a good fight ends with making up. It always brings the other one around to a better frame of mind – love each other.
I adore the destructing proofing series, the best advice – thank you, thank you!!!
Amy says
Thank you!
Laura Jeanne says
This is truly an excellent post Leila – definitely one of your very best.
I agree wholeheartedly with the idea that once your marriage enters “despise mode,” it’s over. I am very sad to say this is where my marriage is at now. I still love my husband and try my best to treat him respectfully – but he is a very angry, troubled person and has come to despise me. Now nothing I do will help matters. There are psychological issues and addictions affecting this which I had no control over. But the fact remains, that sometimes in marriage you reach a point where you simply cannot start over even if you want to. I am saying this to advise younger women that it is so important to ensure, if at all possible, that your relationship does not deteriorate to that awful state. Cherish and nurture your marriage relationship. Be gentle with your husband’s feelings. Don’t ever assume that you can have terrible fights and then make up. Perhaps someone else might have a husband like mine who nurses grudges, and does not forgive past faults. I know this is wrong, yet perhaps I could have saved our marriage if I had been more careful in the past to always speak respectfully. Now it is too late. He has told me it is over between us and my heart is broken for myself and my children.
Sarah says
Dear Laura Jeanne,
I have been there, and I got divorced. It was the hardest thing ever, ever. I would do it again, though, under the same impossible circumstances (also addiction issues and radical disrespect from my husband). My second marriage is much happier and I am very grateful. I will pray for you.
Laura Jeanne says
Thank you sincerely Sarah. Your prayers mean a lot to me. I am sorry that you too had to endure “radical disrespect” as I know how bewildering and painful this is, but glad to hear that found happiness in a second marriage.
Mary says
Laura, I will be praying for you and your husband. God can do ANYTHING and my marriage is a testament to that. He can make all things new, even your marriage. Don’t lose hope. Pray and fast for the healing of both of you and find others to pray for you as well. Nothing is beyond Him. Nothing.
Leila, thank you for this encouragement. So well written and advice I need to hear over and over again.
Rachel says
Laura, I second Mary’s comments. I am in a similar position to you except my husband has gone to live alone, he left in February of this year. Also, there are issues of addiction and disrespect, to the point of violence. At the moment I continue to stand for my marriage and pray and fast for God’s healing and restoration. Don’t lose hope, He can heal anything. Everything is forgivable and redeemable. I will be praying for you and your dear husband and children.
Laura Jeanne says
Thank you ever so much Rachel. Things are looking extremely bleak, and in fact my husband is so filled with mistrust and I might even say hatred of me, no matter what I say or do, that he wants me and the kids to move out now. He trusts no one on earth and only wants to be left alone in his misery. I will go, but I will never divorce nor lose hope that God will heal his wounded heart. Please do pray for us, and I will do the same for you. Stay strong Rachel! If you’d like to talk you can email me at ljbourque at gmail dot com.
Rebekah says
Auntie Leila, I adore your political incorrectness.
Jenny says
“Both of you, don’t let the children prevent you from listening to each other. They can wait their turn.”
This is the hardest thing for me. They are just so loud! My office environment is too quiet so it makes the transition home difficult. It is hard for me to form a thought into a sentence with all the noise. If it’s just the baby making racket I can deal with it (usually), but then when the older ones start competing, it is pandemonium. And then we try to make them be quiet so I can think and then I get grumpy about it. At that point it is easy to throw up your hands and say forget it.
Nancy says
Very Wise Words!
Robin says
I haven’t been married long, but my husband and I have started a good habit of saying thank you a lot–even for basic things or help gone awry. A heartfelt thank you for a burnt dinner lightens the load and keeps critical attitudes at bay, I find.
Adele says
It is such a relief to read such truth. If you are tired habits of kindness can help alot. Even when my husband (who works in transplant medicine) comes home at one or two in the morning I go down to greet him, unless I’m under a sleeping baby. This is what I do but any small habit of kindness is worth creating. Making sure there are a couple cookies left for him after dinner (a challenge when Mama is breastfeeding), taking water and a snack out when he’s doing yard work, or saying Thank you when he is helpful or kind. Tiny things that take thirty seconds but make a huge difference in how you treat each other through the day. This works with littles too. Two minutes of cuddles after naptime help so much.
stclementmom says
“Two minutes of cuddles after naptime help so much.” So wise. And SO true.
Anitra says
Yes, friendship! My husband and I are anticipating baby #3 and about to enter our second decade of marriage. We are each other’s best friends. And, like any really good friends, we argue sometimes, we point out the other’s flaws (in love, I hope), we do special things for the other, we play games together, we joke together. We also do some things apart (once children are involved, this also means giving up “family time” or “alone time” to be sole parent once in a while), to prevent that my-whole-world-revolves-around-you feeling that can so quickly go sour.
Polly says
YES. In October we will celebrate 15 years of marriage. We have a six year old, a 3 year old and a child we lost in utero. We are friends. We are good friends. We laugh a lot. When some girl friends wanted to go to a posh resort together, I declined because if I’m going to a posh resort with anyone, I’m going with my best friend. That is: my husband.
We don’t follow #3 to the letter; we are not Catholic. But we use NFP because birth control pills are a major health risk for me (blood clots in my family history–mother died from pulmonary embolus) and because we just don’t like birth control. My husband is content with 2 children at this point in time, yet we both know that ‘anything can happen’ and we kind of still love that mystery, the possibility of another person…in spite of the physical hardship it causes on me (severe scoliosis, rods in back, etc). No permanent sterilization here, although our church would not frown upon it. We just can’t imagine it.
Adoption is something that I am praying over right now, for some reason….though we’ve never discussed it. There are so many children without homes. I want to be open to life whether it is our own biological child or a child who needs to be loved.
Be friends. Yes. Friends listen to each other, make time for each other, confess their faults, and buoy each other in times of stress. Friends gently overlook faults. This post is so wise!
Heather says
Thank you so much, this post is just so wonderful and chock full of great advice!
Ginger says
This post very possibly saved my marriage. Thank you and may God continue to cause his face to shine upon your and yours for all time.
Abby says
Am I the first to go down the bits and pieces rabbit trail of wonderful posts and find myself more than two hours later feeling encouraged and maybe just a bit wiser? I’ve read these all before, but I think I was in the haze of baby #3 newness right then. So much to think about.