Seems like we women have a hard time with things.
Between agonizing over staying home with the kids and needing affirmation from the world, we’re just in a tough place.
I personally would never have made it this far without constant reminders from my friends that I can’t seek affirmation in “how things are going.” You know that calculus that we are involved in (probably just by dint of being women):
Things going good = I’m good.
{Everything handmade, children looking adorable in photo shoot, house clean by 9 am and renovated by Christmas, husband feeling well cared for, weight down, waist wasp-like, mani/pedi scheduled, carpets spotless, dog winning trials, credit cards paid up.}
But only if it’s in the context of a hearty acceptance of the predictable awfulness of things, and I mean that in the most cheerful way possible — especially when “what we do” involves children, who necessarily are not going to be as tractable as, say, machines.
Clever men, focusing on machines! Sure, run your factory! “Oh, the machines broke down at the factory today!” Boo hoo! I bet they stood still while you tried to fix them and didn’t start crying because you forgot their special bear or gave them the wrongly colored cup, did they not? Sure, manage your accounts! (Those are kinds of machines, if you think about it a certain way — well, they’re not toddlers, now, are they?) I bet your accounts don’t stuff Legos into the toilet.
Sometimes we ladies don't want to get out of bed, ever, and our possibly misguided thought is that maybe we need to get affirmation outside the home. Of course this only subjects us to the craziness of leaving what we have already identified as our calling (as we know by all the women in the workplace who are wanting to stay in bed always and just be home).
Either way, it seems that the real issue is that a lot of ladies think that children are extensions of themselves. They love their children (or their idea of children). And then reality hits (and then they spend a lot of time wanting to get away from them).
They thought, maybe, that the children would cooperate with the whole affirmation thing. And they end up not liking them all that much.
The not liking, I think, is due to the surprise at finding out that children are their own little persons whose rationality doesn't check in for quite a while, by which I mean long enough for you to seriously lose it if you don't have some perspective.
The rational thing for children to do would be to be grateful to you for giving so much up for their little sakes — and thus behave in a picture-perfect way.
The perspective that has gotten me through the stress of that hard truth (and others) has been the realization that yes, this is indeed the most important thing I can do — to commit myself to the project of raising a family — and no, it's not up to me to prove to everyone — even to myself — that things are going okay. Most likely they won't seem to be. Because of the way the project involves kids. And their irrationality and ingratitude and all. But — time will tell.
Meanwhile, commitment shouldn't mean that I will need to be committed, like, to the loony bin.
Seek your affirmation from the knowledge that you are doing what is right and you are doing all you can. It's realizing that you are building something, and the kids are just a part of that bigger thing — not an end unto themselves (although they are very important!) — so it's not devastating if they aren't looking picture perfect. You need to work on getting them to behave, of course, but for this reason: that now you will like them, and later they will have the freedom that only self-control offers. Not so that you will feel affirmed.
Leave the outcome — the results — to God.
Know that making mistakes is part of the process. God doesn't ask anyone for more than that.
What I think I'm here to tell you is that if you can wrap your mind around all this, you will actually just like it all better — being with the children, taking care of the home, supporting your husband as he supports you.
From where I am, I hate to see sweet sisters giving up and thinking the world will give relief from the stress — or giving into just not really caring any more. The solution, insofar as we can say that life has a solution, a dubious undertaking, is not about being okay with mediocrity, but it's not about doubling down on perfection, either.
My affirmation to you is that contentment lies in letting go of the idea that things going well is the measure of doing good. Spit-up on your sweater, dog on the run, leaking diapers, mismatched clothes. It's all good. Even your yelling and losing it. It will be okay, because it's not up to you! Enjoy. Really.
Anel says
For the life of me can I not imagine why there are no comments here – this is my go-to encouragement post!! Thank you..
Leila says
Thank you, Anel! The reason is that the many comments did not make it over when we switched the blog platform. That happened to some posts. Not sure why. It’s particularly sad because our readers here always contribute something.
Melanie says
Exactly what I needed to hear.
charla says
I come back and read this post once a month. I need the affirmation that I don’t need affirmation. 🙂
Catie H says
Thank you for putting this under “Popular Posts” – It was a godsend today!
My mother-in-law had her times mixed up and showed up at my house earlier than I expected this morning. I wasn’t even home yet and had previously left the house in a flurry, because, you know… toddlers (plural!), pregnancy, so many interesting little factors that life and kids throw at you. So the house was definitely not ready to receive her. When I did get home – with hungry and boisterous kids in tow – I received many concerned comments and questions regarding the state of things around here… and couldn’t I hire some help each week? Oh, Auntie Leila, these are the things that drive me down. I know you wouldn’t be (and aren’t) that type of mother-in-law or mother. As I drove to my midwife appt, I imagined what you would have done… just came in, started cleaning, and greeted me with a smile and a hug. THAT is what I will do for my children.
With every baby I more acutely feel the sting that false feminism has left our culture. It is hard to be open to life and provide a Catholic education to our children on one income. When we don’t have much physical help in the day to day, your posts really do help us to get along. You provide moral support regarding something that many of our mothers don’t even “get.”
A long winded way of saying, thank you. And please don’t stop blogging! Ever, ever, ever. 🙂
Natalie says
This is a great post and somehow after faithfully reading your blog for years, I’d missed it! What a great encouragement!!! Thank you.