Kids misbehave, and as far as I'm concerned I would rather see and/or deal with a naughty child than a whining child.
Whining is the worst.
However, whining, — and mind you I'm not an expert, have done no studies, and don't have a degree of any kind, other than from the School of Seven Children — in my humble opinion is not primarily a behavioral issue.
I actually think it's kind of crazy that in our world, real behavioral issues like “a bear is about to eat my child but he won't obey me because I never demand obedience” are considered management problems.
The experts' advice? Calmly explain things to your child. Um, no. That child should trust you when you tell him what to do — and thus, not get eaten by a bear. He trusts that you understand him and normally listen to him in a reasonable manner and he trusts that when you aren't interested in listening but need a response that he should respond or there will be a consequence. His only question when you ask him to jump is, how high.
This is known as saving his skin, which is a worthy goal.
And furthermore, in our world, lots of stuff like pure innocent mischief is also considered in a management light, so that perfectly normal everyday activity by a child is somehow seen as needing intervention by someone or, possibly, medication.
Thus the poor kid who only needs to run, jump, yell, and climb is constantly hearing his name and having everything explained until he just wants to run away and join a circus.
Yet a real management problem, like whining, is looked at as a behavioral problem! I don't get it. What is the point of trying to modify the behavior of someone who is simply signaling to you that he needs you to deal with his issues — which is what whining is.
It's a signal.
It's about a kid feeling like nothing is going to be worthwhile, ever. So why try.
Here is the checklist for interpreting the signal.
If your child whines, go down the list, checking the things off. By the end of it, I really think he won't whine anymore. If he does, well, we'll see if there's something missing from the list, or else you will have to seek a higher authority than Auntie Leila!!
{For Normal Children Who Suddenly Start to Whine.}
1. He needs more sleep.
The number one problem in interpersonal relationships of all kinds is lack of sleep. Length and quality. Whatever the age of the child (or might we dare to say husband or wife), take an honest look at his sleep needs and whether they are being met.
There are books by sleep experts that lay out exactly how much sleep each age group needs, and you could also probably just google it. But common sense will tell you that a three-year old who has given up his nap needs to go to bed at a time that incorporates that sleep time that he was getting during the day. If he had been getting a 2 1/2 hour nap and going to bed at 8:30, he now needs to go to bed at 6:30 pm at the very latest.
Also, a toddler giving up a nap won't necessarily never need a nap. Some children transition by taking a nap every third day, but moms tend to assume that from this moment on things will be different.
Some moms let their kids who aren't napping sort of set the pace for the day. But it's worthwhile to impose a rest time after lunch. Many children just keep going out of a sort of inability simply to stop. It's mom's job to manage things so that there is an intentional rhythm to the day that helps the body recharge at key points.
Every stage of development, when you're going through it, takes a lot of energy. Be attentive and realize that if a child is learning to walk or talk or read or deal with bodily changes in puberty, he needs more sleep.
A child who is waking up in the middle of the night and wandering around, crying, needing a drink, needling settling, too cold, too hot, is going to feel whiney during the day. You can't cope if your sleep is constantly interrupted (which is why it's so hard for mom to deal with a sleep-deprived child! She is sleep-deprived too! Perfect storm!). Sometimes foresight — knowing the temperature will drop and adding a layer to the jammies — or a little tough love — insisting on the child going back to sleep quickly — in the short term yields big pay-offs in the long term.
In short, this is a problem and you can't ignore it. THINK about sleep in your house and try to tackle it.
Most chronic whining problems magically disappear when everyone gets more sleep.
2. He needs more calories.
The sorts of things that adults eat are often not suitable for children. You might be fine with your kale salad and your handful of nuts and your quinoa carrot stew, but a growing child needs fats and protein and nursery food — and plenty of it.
I have an issue with the advice given by leading star pediatricians who claim that a child will eat when he's hungry. There's a big difference between saying that a child eats what he needs from what he's offered (which I agree with in a limited way — some children do need coaxing) and a child will be able to get his own food (which is how it looks like it works out in practice). Since even we adults have a problem figuring out what to eat, spending inordinate amounts of time staring into a fridge and fruitlessly raiding the pantry, I don't know how a toddler or 9-year old or 12-year old is supposed to manage it.
Some kids don't tell you they are hungry because they don't realize it. So no, Dr. Brazelton, it's not okay to let him decide.*
Like it or not (and you'll like it better if you just accept it), you are the food manager. Every morning, noon, and night, children need a meal that has been planned out beforehand (and it doesn't hurt adults either). It's one thing for them to scrounge something once in a while — that happens to everyone. But if every day is a hunting/gathering fiasco, hunger is the result. And whining.
When you notice a marked rise in whining, put peanut butter and butter in the oatmeal, cheese in the eggs, extra butter on the toast, chips and fruit next to the sandwich, ham with the rice, cream in the soup, whole milk ricotta in the lasagna, whole milk in the glass, cookies with the milk, and ice cream for dessert. (You knew I'd say that!)
Make sure the whiner gets a protein-rich snack between meals (but not right before a meal — sit him down and feed him instead — it hardly matters what, just so it's filling).
Give the whiner his meals at least a half-an-hour earlier. It's okay, he can eat alone or with the other whiners. You can read out loud to them so you don't have to listen to them whining. Then put him to bed.
3. He's sick.
When you've had a bunch of kids for a while, you start to see things that even nurses and doctors don't see; it's a kind of training.
If you think whining is usually behavioral, you are missing a symptom and your kid may suffer for a long time before developing a fever or something concrete to go on. Often low-grade infections manifest only in whining, listlessness, and, in the case of ear infections, a sort of papery look to the cheeks that I can't quite describe… but I've been sent home from the doctor's office with a dismissive wave, only to come back the next day with an identifiably sick child.
When a child just can't get it together, put him on the sofa with books, ginger ale, and a blanket. If he's really sick, he'll stay there, happy to be taken care of, and soon you'll know what is wrong, unless it's just one of those mysterious bugs that lasts a few hours (and there are more of these than we think).
If he's not sick, he'll jump up and run outside. Make a mental note to feed him and put him to bed early.
I can't tell you the times I've been in church behind a family of concerned, admonishing parents and a bundled toddler. Mom has come in and taken off her coat. Dad has come in and taken off his coat. Toddler is wrapped in a hat and scarf and zipped into a parka. The whole time they wrestle with him, tension mounting, whining building, until finally they take him out screaming. Well, people, he was hot. You would go nuts too if you were bundled that way in a heated building! But a two-year old can't say “I'm hot!” Don't know why not, he just can't.
Likewise, a child on a sharp brisk day wearing only a t-shirt is expending so much energy keeping warm that he has none left over to be polite and speak in a deep voice. Insist he get a long-sleeved shirt on (or put it on him) and tuck the t-shirt in his pants. Then we can talk.
5. He's had too much screen time.
Screens of whatever sort make it hard to re-enter life. Toddlers especially do not do well with transitioning from a video to life with its demands. You might buy yourself an hour's rest (and maybe you needed it — that's fine), but realize that he needs a few minutes to adjust.
Maybe rely less on the screen.
{For the Child Who Has Always Whined}
There is only one item on this list. It's the kind of kid he tends to be, but — You reward whining. Even nine-month olds whine for things, and when they get them, they have been rewarded. When your baby — yes, baby — whines, you see his communication but you don't see the style of communication. Say to the baby in a pleasant voice, “Mommy, teddy bear?” and wait for a sound, any sound, that isn't whining. Then give the teddy bear.
The older child is just in the habit of whining. While going through the checklist above work on repeating what the child has said in a better, deeper voice. Don't bother giving a lecture or explaining what you want him to do.
Kid, whining, “Why do I have to clean my room?”
Mom, in a deep, cheerful tone of voice, “Why do I have to clean my room?”
Kid, whining, “MOM — WHY??”
Mom, in a deep cheerful tone of voice, “Mom, why?”
You can say to him, “Say it that way, the way I just did. Say anything, just say it nicely.” (And then when he does, implement this, since obviously he knows why.)
You can say, “I hear something, but I don't know what it could be. Maybe there's a mosquito in here?”
You can say, “I would rather hear you cry than whine. And I can make that happen.” (When this kind of reality feedback is delivered in good humor, it can often change everyone's tone. However, I am not opposed to a quick whack on the behind for someone who hasn't responded to the above treatment.)
Eventually they will get the idea. (It will take a week if you are acting, not reacting.) But if you respond to the content of what they are saying, you will have rewarded them. You are actually enabling them, because their whining has gotten you into their web of whininess, from which there is no escape.
So in this case, I really do advocate being the manager. Really, more sleep, more calories. Okay, see how it works!
And — don't forget to join us for {pretty, happy, funny, real} tomorrow!
___
* ~ Because you asked in the comments, this is not about picky eating, which is a topic I have covered, along with a killer beer batter recipe for fried foods. It's about you getting them food when they need it!
~ And I have added a list in the comments for nursery foods — look at the second page of comments for a long one from me 🙂
tacy says
This is so good, for children and for grown-ups! 🙂
Charlotte says
We used to buy sliced cheese or cheese sticks and called them “Crabby Cheese”. We discovered with my oldest that he was one of those kids who didn't know he was hungry until he turned mean and ugly and shaky hungry. I showed him where to find the “crabby cheese” in the fridge and gave him permission to go get some whenever he felt those feelings come on. Now that he's old enough to fix his own food, I've noticed he eats on a very strict schedule and will sometimes still grab some mid-morning protein is he needs it. (He's also 5'11″ and as skinny as a bean pole.)
Jenny says
This is fantastic! Whining is something that I deal with from time to time. With 6 children, it is bound to happen! The only suggestion that jumped out at me was the part about children eating when they are hungry. I've never stressed if one of my children doesn't want to eat. I always figured that they will get hungry enough and when they do, they will eat. Are you saying that we should make the child sit at the table and eat even if they don't want to? My usual response is “You don't have to eat but you aren't getting anything else until breakfast.” My sister in law is constantly following her two year old around putting food in his mouth because he won't sit still to eat a meal. I've always thought that was silly! Your thoughts?
@Mrs_Ear says
Yes, please write more about getting kids to eat! My three-year-old son shows no interest in anything other than bread/crackers, cheese, PB&J, and milk. If those aren't on the table, he (quite happily) just doesn't eat, and I follow Jenny's policy of saying that he doesn't have to eat, but that he's not getting anything else until the next planned snack/meal. I am supposedly doing everything “right” – accessible and tasty foods, planned meal/snack times with planned offerings, no special meals when he refuses dinner, no begging to eat, no treats in exchange for eating, etc. – but it has never worked out. He hasn't eaten any kind of variety since he was about 10 months old (was breastfed until about 2 years, so I didn't really worry about it at first). On the few times we have tried requiring him to eat, it has backfired: he's refused, and we're forced to follow through with a punishment because we don't issue commands that we aren't willing to enforce, but it just turns mealtime into a huge battle that no one really wins. I plan for his breakfasts, snacks, and lunches to be foods that he likes in order to get some nutrition in him, but I'd love a little more variety and a willingness to eat at least some of a normal dinner. Any ideas?
tacy says
Jen at Conversion Diary had a great tip about offering rice with cheese sprinkled on top at almost every meal, that way the picky eaters always have an option. We have been trying it here and it is a very wise tip! We push veggies of course and make them “try” something new even if they don't eat all of it!! Hope this helps!!
Melissa Diskin says
I read recently at a crunchy blog (can't recall the name) that some veggie aversion is due to a zinc deficiency. She gave her kids some zinc drops until they started eating veggies again — I think the deficiency makes greens taste super bitter, so replenishing the zinc makes them taste normal and within “eatable” range for a kid.
My kids are getting better but for a while I had to offer a dollop of pesto with every single dang vegetable or piece of meat. My 4YO is still more of a dairy and fruit and bread guy.
@Mrs_Ear says
Thanks – I will have to try some zinc!
Mary says
So so so so so good. I often wonder how many of these poor children who are being medicated are just. plain. tired. I don't think *I* could keep the schedule that they do! Thank you for the reminder on feeding, too. I often forget just how much and often little ones, especially recently weaned ones, need to eat.
Dixie says
My dad says that this is the case in my younger brothers' classes at (elementary) school. School starts at 7:45 am. My brothers go to bed at 7:30 pm, and then they get up in time to eat breakfast. Most of their schoolmates go to bed at around 10, sleep too little, AND then go to school without having eaten breakfast!
Stephanie says
What a great, practical article. I have seen every one of these at different times among my four. But I would also add that sometimes children whine when there is a change in daily routine (or not enough of one).
Kathryn says
Thank you! I am in the sleep deprivation haze with #4 and #2 is in a super-whiny mode. He has just started Kindergarten, and I think I need to tolerate less whining and feed him more protein. Granola bars don't cut it forever.
Liz says
It is AMAZING what a mood changer food can be. I've noticed this too…they're incredibly grumpy/whiney minutes before, but after a good meal as happy as can be! (I've noticed this definitely works with husbands too…though mine has never been the whiney type 🙂
Thanks for the reminder and insight!
Donna H. says
My 2 girls are 8 years apart. My first was so, so easy to raise. The second was a lot more challenging. I'm embarrassed to have to admit that it was my 8 year old daughter who developed and instigated The Interrogation.
That was what we called the list of questions we asked when the younger girl became whiney and/or frustrated.
We asked for a yes or no to questions about hunger, tired, sleepy, cold, hot, etc. If they were all negative answers or, as sometimes happened, all positive responses, we started throwing in silly questions: does your hair hurt? Do your fingernails feel tired?
Eventually we'd find something to fix or all collapse in giggles. My older daughter is one smart cookie!
Donna
Dixie says
One problem with addressing whining for us is that our somewhat whiny toddler constantly seems to be going through some big developmental change, as they do at this age (recently turned 2), and I don't want to pile too much on her at once by getting tough on the discipline, too. She's toilet-training now and that takes a lot out of her (although she's doing well and likes it). And she's been getting sick because of the changing weather. And we moved into a new house just a few months ago. And, and, and…but when will I get my window to address the whining?
Auntie Leila, what do you think? Is it unwise to go ahead, or is it unwise to wait and wait? I need to address this issue, but how do I make sure it's not all too much for her?
Dixie says
(We recently realized that we have been enabling her whining, so changing that is what I'm talking about, rather than going through the checklist, which we will certainly do!)
_Leila says
Dixie, there is never a bad time to ask a child to say it again nicely. Even a sick child can say “Mama, drink please” in a nice voice. It's not really discipline in the sense of punishing. It's simply not enabling. Just remember, she probably needs more sleep.
Dixie says
Thanks; that's helpful. I guess it's a different sort of sticking to your guns. Like you say, stay way above them, right?
_Leila says
Dixie, yes. Stay above your child and know that you are not just teaching WHAT to do, you are teaching HOW to do it. To me, it's understandable if a child (or adult for that matter) just breaks down and cries. We all get overwhelmed. What I don't get is the habit of being inconsiderate or not realizing that you *just don't use that tone* when speaking to someone else. So, say it nicely or cry, but don't whine!!!
Dixie says
Thank you so much for this advice. We're doing much better even after only one day of modelling and repeating-after-me.
lauren says
Wow, great article!! This is why I love reading your blog. Always such timely advice for toddlers/training young children. I completely agree with the sleep/calories assessment — makes SUCH a big difference with my kids. I have recently started feeding them peanut once a day for a snack (with pretzels or apples), and cheese in their eggs for breakfast (in addition to a bagel or cereal) and they always gobble it up and are much happier (they are 1 1/2 and 3). And for me, outside time (a walk, going to the park) really helps reduce whining.
Anna says
Thanks for this. Whining drives me up the wall; moreso than anything else my daughter does.
As an aside, Auntie Leila, thanks so much for this blog. I've just transitioned from working outside of the home to be a stay at home mom and your blog is my go to source for how to keep a home. My house was a disaster (I was working a lot of hours trying to get us to a good place financially before I quit) and I didn't even know where to start and your “reasonably clean house” series was the framework I used to get my house in order. This will sound weird but today I was thinking about your blog in the context of a line from one of my daughter's favorite books (St. George and the Dragon by Jim Forest – highly recommended). After St. George subdues the dragon, he tells the princess that Christ gives him the courage to battle dragons. I was thinking about how your blog gave me the courage to battle the dragon that was my disorderly and neglected home.
_Leila says
Aw, thanks, Anna!
LPatter says
And for me you are helping me slay the dragons of wimpy-ness in my boundary setting. I am a sanguine who likes to have fun with kids and enjoy them, and has firm basic standards internally, but didn't realize how much accommodating I did(do!) with my 5 year old when he was younger – in the last year or 2 it's really come back to bite us! I am realizing being thoughtful, measured and disciplined in the basic areas of home life really will allow us all to enjoy each other more. We still have a ways to go – and my upcoming 2 year old daughter is a wild child compared to the boy…so….thank God for you. 🙂
_Leila says
Jenny and Mrs. Ear, this isn't about picky eaters, it's about getting kids their meals a bit before they collapse, and making sure the food is of the kind they can actually eat.
All my thoughts on picky eaters, chasing kids around with one last spoonful, power struggles, etc are here : http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org//2012/08/a…
The point here is that you need to think through what constitutes appropriate food for a young 'un of whatever age, and then offer it in time. If calories are the issue in their behavior/whining, it will help. If not, don't worry, just get them to bed earlier!
@Mrs_Ear says
Thank you – I've actually pored over that post quite a few times trying to figure out what I've been doing wrong. We're not having a whining problem because we've been pretty good at identifying all the things you discuss in this post as whining triggers, and dealing with them; I do manage to feed him adequately and in time to prevent whining. This post, and Jenny's comment, just made me remember that I've been meaning to ask you about those children who, though otherwise pleasant, obedient, and well-behaved, refuse to eat any kind of normal variety. Maybe he'll just grow out of it, or maybe the influence of his baby sister, who, with just a few weeks' experience eating “real” food, is already an exponentially more enthusiastic eater, will affect him.
Jenny says
Thank you, Leila! I'm off to read about picky eaters!
Emily says
What about whining that goes hand in hand with disobedience? For example, yesterday we needed to pick up the back yard for a pet adoption “home check”. The kids were warned in advance and were excited about potentially getting a dog. But then when it was time to actually clean up: “it is too hot, I'm tired, I'm hungry, why do we have to do this, I don't want a dog anyway, I won't!” In the end, what I had expected to be a reasonably pleasant 30 minute job, all working together, turned into a miserable 2 hour nightmare. The thing is that I'm quite sure that they were hungry and tired by the end, but they were NOT at the beginning and it was rather their own fault for refusing to just do what was asked right away. So…how should I have handles that? I feel like that kind of situation happens FAR too frequently and I don't know how to fix it. My kids are 8, 6.5, and 5, and I also have an infant. Thanks for any insight!
_Leila says
Emily, do not be under the impression that children will not be horrible. And never think that gratitude will restrain them. That would be contrary to experience.
Kara says
Haha! this is so true. We may need to frame that quote. Our day was a testament to this!
Jennifer says
Also, they need to use the bathroom. Little ones don't always find the right words. But whining is an indication that they have to go – NOW.
Klm says
Even fairly big kids, up to about 3rd grade, might need this! Whether it's because they are stressing themselves by ignoring signals, or just need a break from whatever they are doing, it can help a lot.
Aimee says
What a great list! I do my best to be on top of the food thing though it becomes tricky to add good protein because two of my kids are allergic to dairy and nuts and one is allergic to eggs. Any ideas?
We also have a bit of a hard time with sleep because of my husband's preferences for spontaneity. We're working on it!
Unfortunately, I don't seem to have the super mom illness recognizing talent. My mom always notices before I do if they're coming down with something and she doesn't see them everyday. Maybe I need more years of momming under my belt. I have 4 and the oldest is 8. There may still be hope!
Betsy M says
Hi Aimee, we deal with food allergies as well and I struggle with getting the kids an “easy” bit of protein like cheese is to most people. A few snack items I rely on are Sunbutter (enjoy life sunbutter bars are allergy friendly), rice crispy bars made with sunbutter and chia seed or flax seed added, jerky, sausage, tuna or kipper snacks.
Rice pudding made with brown rice, chia seed, rice milk and heavy with milk free butter is my “go to” carbohydrate/protein/calorie snack for my kids as we are gluten free as well. I try to keep a batch of this in my fridge so we have it on hand.
We can't have legumes but if you can, beans would be a great source of cheap protein. Refried beans used to be a favorite after school snack with chips or crackers, yum. Oh, hummus would be included with that as well.
melody says
Love this! Great job and thank you!
laura says
Amen to the calories. Funny, my first two children could manage quite well from meal to meal (with maybe one snack) but my third just seems to need more food. Perhaps because she is in perpetual motion. I'm a slow learner, so there are still days when I think, “why is she so whiny?” But a quick banana and she's a ray of sunshine once again. I've learned to never leave home without a box of raisins in my bag!
Haley @ Carrots says
This was really helpful. My 4-year-old is currently in a really whiny stage and we can tell that it's definitely related to how much sleep he gets. But from day one, he has always had the hardest time sleeping (my second and third babies are great sleepers, so it seems he was just born with more sleep challenges.) He rarely naps anymore, but he doesn't sleep any longer at night. (We tuck him in at 7pm, but he rarely falls asleep until after 9pm and wakes between 5:30 and 6:30am, although he isn't allowed to leave his room until 6:45am.) Do you have any advice? He has such an easier time of it when he sleeps longer or naps, but he has such a hard time falling asleep. We have a bedtime routine, play audiobooks in his room (this seems to help matters a great deal), and I don't know what else to do! So many days he is ornery and just falling apart and it's so obvious that he is just tired.
jgugala says
We have a four year old as well that doesn't take naps anymore. I have found that by 7:00 he is usually overtired. If we get him down between 6:00-6:30 he is out very quickly and sleeps until 6:30 the next morning. Overtiredness usually keeps them wired and awake much longer than I'd like!
Haley @ Carrots says
I will definitely give an earlier bedtime a try. 7pm seemed early, but maybe it's not early enough 🙂
_Leila says
Haley, it's true that some children just have more trouble sleeping. Bridget is that way! And always has been.
Still, you can make sure that he gets outside a lot, gets plenty of sun and exercise, and has a schedule that takes advantage of his sleepy time.
When your kids are so little, it's sometimes helpful to feed them pretty early (like 5), get them bathed, and get them in bed by 6:30. You will find that they sleep much better and longer.
However, a child with a difficult sleep cycle sometimes has to work up to this gradually, moving bedtime back 15 minutes at a time — unless you notice that yes, after an early supper he is sleepy! Then, go for it.
It's counter-intuitive but true that going to bed earlier helps a child sleep longer.
Haley @ Carrots says
Maybe we should push bedtime back even further, like you said. Tricky, because my husband doesn't get home from work until 6 and it's a bummer for him to miss out on that hour of time with the kids before bed. But maybe it will just be for a season! Thanks 🙂
Becky G says
My daughter always had a really hard time falling asleep, her doctor finally told me to give her melatonin every night (unusual for a child). All natural, its is what the body produces naturally, and my DD just doesn't Seriously, at 2, she had been too tired to function well for more than 9 months, and was sleeping less than 8 hours a day – NOT healthy for a 1-2 year old! Shes 7 now, and we don't go a day without the melatonin. Non habit forming, you could try it for a couple days to set a new rhythm – always want to use the smallest effective dose – or some kids calms forte.
Haley @ Carrots says
I saw something on nourished kitchen about a tea that is safe for kids that helps them relax. Maybe I should look into that or melatonin. Thanks!
Ann says
I remember almost all of these points being an issue at one time or another. I had one who was not allowed to speak to anyone until after she ate something when she came in the door from kindergarten. I also remember making dinner surrounded by happy children eating apple slices– they weren't going to make it to dinner, so they just had appetizers, and we were able to enjoy one another's company as well.
Mamalion says
Hee hee, sage advice. I think it was Susan Wise Bauer's mother, Jessie, who spoke many years ago in a homeschooling conference on parenting teens. Her 3 lessons for dealing with teens were: get some food, take a nap, or take a shower. The first 2 are self-explanatory, the last one is to just take a break from whatever is making them (and us!) crazy. I can't tell you how valuable this advice has been over the years. I listen to the child, and then suggest one of the 3 to help settle the drama of the moment.
The other thing I did was told the whining child “I don't speak Whine”. Or in reality, since my stepmom was British, “I don't speak Whinge.” And suggested they try again in a normal voice.
Becky says
Might I add the need to pee or poop as a reason to whine. Noah is right at that stage where he generally knows what must be done but, sometimes, when he at that *almost* too distracted to care stage, he'll get all weird and wiggly and whiny and difficult and, if I happen to be on my game, if I ask him if he needs to use the toilet, the clouds part, the sun shines, and he dashes off and all is well.
Suzette says
I totally know what you are talking about! R gets terribly whiny and cranky and all she needs is a break to the potty!
jgugala says
I once heard a wise woman say that when her child whines, she replies quickly – “Whining will get you…NOTHING.” I have done this with my 4 year old for awhile now and he now completes the statement for me. 🙂
Laura says
The food and rest suggestions are great for my 16 yo son that can't seem to focus long enough to figure out why he is so irritable and short tempered. A belly full of warm, yummy food and some extra sleep (or just down time) make a world of difference.
onecatholicmama says
I love this so much! It reminds me of the HALT acronym I learned when dealing with misbehavior. When thinking about why a child is misbehaving ask yourself if they are Hungry, Anxious, Lonely or Tired as most misbehavior/whining can be put down to one of those..and then do something to change. that. If they are hungry, feed them. If they are anxious…provide more routine and going over things ahead of time. If they are lonely, spend time with them, and if they are tired…get them to sleep.
The part about being hungry really hit me, because my 5-yo is my most whiniest kid and he is also really skinny and just doesn't eat much. Thanks for the reminder that I need to encourage him to eat more and offer him more food.
Elizabeth says
I agree with needing to use the potty as another cause of whining–at least for younger kids. Often more of an issue when our son is out playing and doesn't want to stop or has just woken up from a nap and needs to go but it hasn't registered yet. Sometimes he needs a bit of convincing that a potty trip might help, but the 180 mood change afterward is good evidence for me!
klm says
I use the chapter in Little House in the Big Woods, in which Ma discovers a bear when she gos out to milk the cow, to be the clearest exampleof this! That chapter makes the whole book worthy of being read aloud to help a child struggling with obedience. Well, that and the chapter involving the cousin who gets himself attacked by a nest full of hornets, made worse ecause he'd cried wolf several times already that day, and this was the time Pa and the Uncles decided to ignore him.
_Leila says
Kim, make sure you read this post — I think you will like it 😉 http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org//2010/09/s…
_Leila says
I really think it's better not to respond to whining with a comment about whining, but rather to respond with the *tone* of voice you want and demand a re-do.
Phyllis says
Thank you for this!
My best tip, one that works with the 9-month-old babies you mentioned, is teaching them to sign please. Baby Sign Language is kind of a cute fad these days, but that one sign is golden. Even with my young babies, I can start teaching them “Don't whine/cry. Say please!” and it works.
_Leila says
Nice! Great idea.
Jenny says
I have a question about the early bedtimes. If the children are going to bed at 630, when does the working parent get to see the children? Or that just a weekend thing? Because that seems sad to me.
On a related note, I'm not sure I could get my kids into bed at 630 even if I wanted it. There's too much going on in the evenings between eating, cleaning up, baths, whatnot. To say I'm not great at time management is an understatement.
Gwenny says
You are wonderful and timely, as usual. Also, I love the Library Project, but I need a regular dose of common sense like this or I lose my head!
Provincial Homemaker says
I had to laugh at the clothing issue – we had a family come into church the other day – parents, and two teenage siblings dressed coats in etc (it's early spring here) and the toddler twins in summer dresses and bare foot. Our church is 150 years old and freezing. The poor things were covered in goose bumps. The parents later talked to us about how they can't stop one of them running round the church; comparing our children as relatively still (not really still but just a smaller circle of movement!) – but no wonder she was tearing round the place, she was probably trying to warm up. The other twin was grizzly and wanted mum's lap – again heat transfer I would think.
rubberchickengirl says
You are priceless! ~
“Give the whiner his meals at least a half-an-hour earlier. It's okay, he can eat alone or with the other whiners. You can read out loud to them so you don't have to listen to them whining. Then put him to bed.”
OR
“I would rather hear you cry than whine. And I can make that happen.”
Which is funnier!? You must send the “grace-based” parenting people around the bend…parenting isn't for cowards, nor is writing about parenting.
So practical and so wish I knew you about 22 years ago.
RCG
Suzette says
Has this been asked? I've read most of the comments but haven't seen it asked:
What is “nursery food?” Our daughter gets these horrid black circles under her eyes when she has gluten – whether homemade breads or store bought. I know I can get Ezekiel bread and gluten-free options. She doesn't like any sort of slimy texture, so no grits or oatmeal at this point. But is that what nursery food is, carb-y breads and pastas? I DO get the sense that the babies need more cheese, milk and waistline-bulking foods (at least for this momma). Am I totally off-track here? Thanks, in advance!
Carrie says
We actually had a bear encounter once! We were at a rest stop in Yukon Territories and my 9 year old son was out wandering. I looked up to see a bear 20 feet away from him and meandering toward him. My husband calmly but urgently called him. Samuel looked puzzled, but came. We were so thankful that he was in the habit of immediate obedience.
Anne says
Thank You! I have little children who don't recognize hunger. In fact, the hungrier they are the more difficult it becomes to get them to eat! And whining- make them say it again! If they are 4 or older, make them say it 10 times till they get it right! I can't stand it when my friends let their kids talk like that all day long. It is so simple to fix. Eventually they get tired of saying things over and over again.
Betsy G. says
I am also interested in knowing what “nursery food” is. I really struggle with knowing what to feed my little ones!
Mitty says
I'm not sure what is meant by “nursery food” either, but I think the examples Auntie Leila gave are great ones. Little children need healthy fats in the diet for proper neurological development, so adding some cheese to the eggs or butter to the oatmeal fit the bill and provide more calories for growing bodies. My mother used to give us a spoonful of peanut butter when we were hungry for a snack. Just adapt for your own child's allergies. Children also like finger foods, so apple slices and carrot sticks are great when they can't make it till supper time.
I think two more factors in whining are over-stimulation (hello, whiny child at the mall) and true boredom (reference the mom in the waiting room, happily playing with her SmartPhone or reading a magazine while her child is expected to stare glassy-eyed into space for a half hour without whining).
_Leila says
Okay, maybe I need to do a post about this, I guess — but nursery food is just easy simple plain food that children like and will eat.
A lot of children's literature can be your guide!
Oatmeal cooked with whole milk, butter, and maple syrup.
Toast and scrambled eggs or soft boiled egg in an egg cup — toast cut into “soldiers” — meaning long thin pieces suitable for dipping or triangles.
A bowl of goat's milk with bread — Heidi style — don't know if any child I know would actually eat this! But it's very appealing in the book!
Slices of bread, butter, and honey
Grilled cheese cut up into bite-sized pieces.
Toasted cheese (slices of italian bread with pieces of cheddar on top, broiled until bubbly)
Bread pudding.
Rice pudding.
French toast.
Homemade macaroni and cheese — here is my easy good recipe (and do bake it with breadcrumbs for maximum nurseriness) http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org//2010/02/d…
Cream of anything soup with biscuits or dumplings
mashed potatoes with small pieces of plain pot roast — also “stovies” which is a Scottish dish of mashed potato mixed with pulled apart pot roast, lots of butter
“tea” (very weak tea with lots of milk and sugar, or herb tea with milk and honey) and toast
cooked carrots and/or any root veg (these have a bad rep but if done right with lots of butter and salt and not overcooked but not hard either, they are very appealing to children)
cornmeal mush with pork (the adults can have polenta with pork stew, same thing)
boiled new potatoes with butter and salt
applesauce
Fruit cut up into slices – http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org//2008/11/h…
chicken with cream sauce
prunes (not too many at a time, but these do help with moving things along — especially prune juice! Works like magic)
You get the idea? Anything plain, buttery, salty, stewed fruity, easy to eat, caloric, easy on the digestion.
Suzette says
Thank you! Thank you! Yes, I am even learning about house keeping from re-reading The Little House Series and now reading the Anne of Green Gables series. They do talk lots about porridge and pudding in the Anne books, although porridge seems to be the cross of some children. 😉
Our 2.5 yr old had horrible reactions to wheat as a nursling and now has dark circles under her eyes (as in people ask us how she has two black eyes) which only clear if we do no gluten…waaaa! So now the quest to incorporate gluten-free and nursery foods. Thank you, again. I just love the collective memory!
And I apologize for the impatient, pestering tweet – young momma in need of teaching! 🙂
_Leila says
Suzette, porridge will always be delicious if you remember to put butter in the water before the cooking begins. And salt.
You can make porridge with any grain. Cornmeal, oatmeal, rice — boil your water or milk, add butter and a dash of salt, cook the grains (usually a proportion of 2 parts liquid to one part grain), add cream and milk and something sweet like honey or maple syrup. I like to add a bit of sugar to the pot so that what's added at the table isn't overwhelming and children don't dump tons of honey in their bowls.
Suzette says
Ok, wow! This is really exciting! I made grits with a nice bit of butter and milk instead of water, at the end and WOW the baby just ate it up with such vigor. This is refreshing. 🙂
He also liked the rice porridge I made him, just to get the 2.5 yr old to “try a new food.” Slow and steady, and a bit of honey. 😉
Lindsey in AL says
Suzette- we are mostly grain-free here (we all get rid of our dark circles when I am vigilant about grains; I have had the circles my whole life) I don't know if it's just wheat for us or not. If your LO is ok with grits, several of my kids LOVE “sugar grits” which are just grits with plenty of butter and something sweet (instead of salty and cheesy like I love them :))
Jenny says
I thought grilled cheese was the ultimate kid food until I had children. Although I loved grilled cheese growing up and still love to eat it on cool, rainy days, my children do not like it. This is mind-boggling to me! How can you not like grilled cheese? But they don't.
Ginger says
My Mom gave me Oatmeal with Ice Cream growing up, and my kids enjoy it too. Brilliant I say!
Lea Z. Singh says
I have a 4-year-old whiner and I am going to try these strategies! Thanks!
Cami says
Hi Auntie! I know this is an older post but I’ll try my question here. My boys are now 5 and 4 and their baby sister is 21 months. We are expecting another in March. My question is if you have any ideas on how to feed them more without spending more. I know this sounds silly. We haven’t had the chance to learn to garden yet so everything comes from the grocery store. We are extremely low income right now due to husband being laid off and now underemployed even while working 2 jobs. Not what we ever expected as two quite educated people. But here we are. I’ve tried getting the grocery bill down but the demand for food keeps the bill high. The kids are constantly still hungry. Even the baby seems like a bottomless pit! I make homemade meals… soups, meats and veggies with rice or potatoes. Things like that. I did cut down unnecessary carbs a bit and it did help with them just eating due to sugar spikes and whatnot. But they still need more. We have gluten/wheat and dairy sensitivities so I can’t just throw a bagel or a hunk of cheese at them. We do eat a lot of nuts and seeds to add protein. GF breads are expensive and not super healthy anyway. I suspect my middle son is sensitive to additives and pesticides so I’m cautious. Anyway, I appreciate any ideas. They do tend to eat fast and if I get them to slow down it sometimes helps them feel more satisfied. It’s heartbreaking to tell them that we don’t have enough money to eat until we’re stuffed. But I can tell a bit more food is needed each day at each feeding. I’ve struggled with getting to the end of the food week and having hardly anything to offer as we’ve blown through the meal plan and portions.
Leila says
Hi Cami — only you can work out your food issues, but I have lots of help on the system. Just look in the topics bar under “dinner every day” and you will see all the posts, including how to shop for maximum frugality — lots of tips! Work through them and you will be able to tailor for your particular family.
Luckily, the internet is ready at hand with lots of ideas for gluten-free snacks!
Good luck!
Rebecca Pearce says
I have been, for days now, going back through your blog and reading and reading and reading. This (and so much more) has been immensely helpful to me! Thank you so much! <3
Kaitlin says
Just me again, 8 years later, reading the same post trying to get your wisdom into my thick skull. Thank you!