I'm sure you are not having any trouble getting your kids to behave, but just on the off chance that you might, some day, or know some one who is, having this sort of trouble, here's something to think about.
Are you wearing your child's name out?
I noticed this a few years ago in a little class I taught for homeschoolers' kids. Lovely children, smart. But interesting: Many of them did not respond to their own name!
I talked to The Chief about it and we agreed that we can hardly imagine it. In fact, he remembers thinking, as a young child in school, that one's name, spoken out loud, had an actual, physical effect on one.
In his experience as an elementary school student, hearing “Philip!” gave him an electric shock, and he thought this was a universal phenomenon, well known to science.
But everywhere you go, there are children running around whose response to their name isn't an electrical shock, it isn't a “Yes, Ma'am?” (oh, how I wish I were born Southern and could have taught my children to say Ma'am and Sir!), it's…
… nothing.
Why?
Because their families have worn their names out!
Their mom has desensitized them to their own name!
Here's how it goes.
Whether knowingly or not, “your friend” subscribes to the disciplinary method that has its roots in the philosophy of that well known child-abuser, Rousseau, who, at the very time that he was abandoning his offspring, convincingly argued that children are born in a state of nature, with a personality that will gently unfold into perfection, if we only would let it.
I say convincingly because even folks who profess the opposite — that we are born into a condition known as Original Sin and need to learn self-control — in effect raise their children as if they opened the wrong philosophy textbook by mistake.
Anyway, be that as it may, the point is that these folks (not you, but others with unruly children) don't have a coherent way to deal with the inevitable — that is to say, the naughtiness of children.
They take advice from Rousseauians, whose own children are not well behaved (if they have any).
Why? Because it seems nicer, and it demands nothing at the moment of them. It's far easier to explain things, after all, than to put your phone down, get up, and be that mean, authoritative parent who administers the appropriate reality conditioning at the moment. Unfortunately, this brings not “the peaceable fruit of justice” of discipline but the long-term unpleasantness of bratty children who don't even answer when you call their name!
The child does something wrong (or heck, just acts like a child) and there is one response, and one only: To explain to them why they should reconsider and, becoming one with the darling flower child they are, deep within, act nicer.
To start that process, they say the child's name. “Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, no Timmy, Timmy, don't hit your sister, would you like to have someone hit you with a Lego, Timmy, Timmy, TIMMY, TIMMY…”
What would you do under these circumstances, which include precisely no consequence for the action, other than interminably hearing your name?
Why, you would stop listening!
Right.
Here is my solution.
First, admit that you (read: your friend) are not being effective. (If this doesn't apply to you — if in fact, you are wildly effective and your children listen to you the very first time you say something to them, then move along to the next blog!)
Knowing is the first step.
Then, resolve to say your child's name under two circumstances only, for a whole week:
1. In an outright, honest bellow, to prevent him from chasing a ball into the street and
2. With great affection, like the name of a long-lost friend.
I met a lady to whose home we were graciously invited at one of our kids' graduations far away. She's the mother of said kid's roommate, with a boatload of children (talking double-digits here), including, at the time, a toddler. By all rights, this lady should have been a basket-case, sitting in a corner, putting straws in her hair, and mumbling gibberish into a stiff drink. You would have expected her to do nothing other than randomly, peevishly say her kids' names over and over, purely out of habit.
But I noticed that, to the contrary, she was poised and attentive to all, and when her blurry (because just that fast and busily about his own business) ten-year-old ran through the kitchen, she stopped what she was doing (which was attending to a million guests) and, with a smile and eye contact, said, “David! I haven't seen you in a while! How are you doing!”
In other words, what I was struck by was that this child heard his name spoken with real affection. I paid attention then and later when they stayed a few days with us (always the test), and these parents said all their children's names this way. With affection.
It made me think about how I feel when someone greets me, putting warmth in my name, this name that I've been given precisely for their use. Actually, I feel wonderful. It gave me an examination of conscience about how I say my own loved ones' names, let me tell you.
I have another friend (also with a stunning amount of children — just so you don't excuse yourself) who calls them “Beautiful” or “Handsome,” depending. That's right — all day long, “Handsome, put this over there.” “Beautiful, come here by me.” Softens the edges, right?
It's not like they don't know what to do. Lord knows you've explained it a million times. Really, stop all the talking.
Just have the goodness to get up and do what has to be done to make them obey.
Give the request/order/direction clearly, having considered within yourself if it's really worth it! (Otherwise, skip it.)
Move their body where it needs to be. Put the naughty miscreant in the corner (facing it — much better than time out). Or yes, administer a spanking. If the child is over the age of about seven or eight (that is, too old to spank), you will have to get creative in your punishments, but make them immediate and painful (not threatening), like doing an extra chore or going to their room.
I just started Eric Metaxas' biography of Dietrich Bonhoffer. The first chapter deals with his early life and family. His father was calm in his authority, imparting high moral standards and a firm sense of identity to his brood, with love (“… Despite having eight children — which seems an enormous number in times like these… ). (This is circa 1909, amusingly!)
His mother was energetic, artistic, and idealistic (it didn't hurt to have a bunch of servants, I'll grant you that, but it seems like Paula was practical too). Karl, in a letter, said, “… we endeavor not to spoil them, and to make their young years enjoyable.” She taught the children at home until they were eight or so, being “openly distrustful of the German public schools and their Prussian educational methods.”
I have to say, I really love them.
Dietrich was a man of wonderful temperament (even as a child) who heroically sacrificed himself for others in WWII, as you know. Yet, “he was often mischievous and got up to various pranks,” a maid remembers, “… especially when the children were supposed to get washed and dressed quickly… to go out. So one such day he was dancing around the room, singing and being a thorough nuisance. Suddenly the door opened, his mother descended upon him, boxed his ears right and left, and was gone. Then the nonsense was over. Without shedding a tear, he now did what he ought.”
I think there are so few examples for us of what confident, experienced (Dietrich was among the younger of the children), devoted mothers actually do. We listen to “experts” instead of being able to pattern ourselves on what works. Maybe if we can be honest about what is not working we'll be able to find a good way of fixing things.
Saying your child's name until he stops hearing it is not working!
It will take about a week of to change things if you work on new habits like simply saying your child's name less often, and with either more affection or (rarely) outrage, using more effective methods instead to ensure obedience.
Things will get better, I promise you!
Jenny says
Guilty!
Jenny says
I've listened to myself for the past couple of days with this post in mind. I don't know how to stop!!!! Before I can even think, their names are tripping out of my mouth as a rebuke. Sigh. This one is going to take some time.
Rachel C. says
Wonderful advice, as was what you gave me the other day about more sleep/more calories. The whining is much improved!
So Much Forever says
I think I need to hear this advice! We have some serious whining over here.
Amelia says
What is more sleep/more calories? Need to know. We have some whining too..
Mooberry Farmwife says
We have a large family so I *do* need to use my child's name so they will know who I am talking to {smile} – but we do always speak their names with love. Thanks for these thoughts – certainly something to consider!
Anna says
As a first-time mother with a baby on the way, I sometimes have nervous thoughts like, “But what if my discipline doesn't work… what if my kid is spoiled… and everyone notices?” Blog posts like this are very encouraging, and remind me of what seems to be key in raising a well-behaved child: enjoy your kid, AND actually make sure the important stuff happens. 🙂
mystiewinckler says
Love this! I had a similar wake up call last year when my oldest said he didn't like his complete name (Johannes; we generally call him Hans) because I only used it when he was in trouble (it sounds better bellowed, and I was bellowing too often). So now I still call him Hans when he's in trouble. 🙂
My Dad (father of 7), called us all George (none of our given names are George). This was to solve the inevitable problem of the middle child's name being Mi-Je-Mel-Brendan! 🙂
Magda says
My grandmother, mother of seven, would call “George” those who were being naughty and “Susie” those who were being good: husband, dog, or child!
Gwenny says
These are the kinds of posts I appreciate and use the very most. I am so worried about my children being perfect brats and am so nervous that I am doing it all wrong. Thanks for the advice, Leila!
Lucy says
The timing of this post was perfect for me…so glad God laid it on your heart to write it.
Kathryn says
Thank you for figuring out what I'm doing wrong without even knowing me! I have a newborn, and the other three have tuned me out because they seem to know that I won't get up and stop nursing the little one to deal with them. Unfortunately my solution too often is yelling.
Dixie says
Would it help if you made it clear that misbehaving/not listening to direction during nursing in particular is a specific offense, on top of whatever the misbehavior is, and thus carries an extra penalty? I.e., you are not allowed to hit your sister/ignore Mama's request ever, but if you hit your sister/ignore a request AND Mama has to stop nursing the baby in order to discipline you, woe unto you…
Josie says
Your timing is, as usual, perfect as I was just praying to St. John Bosco today for help with my boys! But even more thrilling was the mention of Bonhoeffer's bio! I read it this summer (after staring at it for a year on the shelf) and am still thinking on it. It was immensely nourishing to me. Enjoy!
Melissa Diskin says
Very timely. We've been pretty good about first-time obedience but just in the last few weeks things seem out of control — and who wants to shriek a name after kindly calling it a few times? I'm tired of yelling. What's worse is that my youngest now just yells “MOMMEH!!” (<
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Rosemary says
My son is only 17 months; I do speak his name often in love, but now, seven months pregnant with twins, I have fallen into the habit of wearing out his name in trying to get him to stop doing things. (Much easier to stay on the couch and hope he listens rather than getting up to physically intervene!)
But it also got me thinking about how I speak my spouse's name … I think I need some work in that area. Thank you for writing this!
Magda says
Thank you for the reminder. I had forgotten about the example I set, too. I remember the lovely surprise of listening to my son call his sister, “Lucia, my love, come play with me!” based on my example.
Amy says
Magda, that is so adorable!
Stephanie says
So a practical question: my two are less than a year apart and are usually found in the same place. When giving commands/suggestions/guidance, how do they know which one is being spoken to? One has hearing problems so I tend to use her name to get her to look at me so I can sign as well as talk to make sure she understands. But, the response to her name is lessening. I suppose I should stop being lazy and get up immediately and physically touch her to get her attention? Other suggestions?
_Leila says
Stephanie, I have no experience with a child who can't hear, but the larger point is that even children with good hearing are not listening. So yes, if something is not working, try something different.
I have heard of a flashing light for a deaf child? Still, the issue is your use/overuse of the attention-getting device, whatever it may be.
So often, the answer lies in our own… well… laziness. We are just too willing to do what doesn't work! Because it means at least we don't examine our nagging, unwillingness to get up, unwillingness to give prompt “reality feedback” and accept the consequences…
So, I can't solve this for you but if you think and pray you will find the appropriate answer, I just know!
Mscshields says
In my daughter’s montessori classroom they walk to each other and put their hand on the shoulder of the person whose attention they want. Everyone does it, even the teachers and we’ve started at home, it really works. Very gentle, but you obviously are engaging with them (read serioius about what you are going to ask or say to them) since you walked way over to them. It’s hard to always get up though, I’m as guilty as anyone. The big plus if you make the effort is that they model your behavior and they don’t interrupt loudly, but silently and then wait for you to turn to them, at least sometimes–they’re about as consistent as I am, I suppose…
_Leila says
Mscshields, I am not crazy about this practice, although I realize it's a Montessori thing. I find that a child tapping me (and it ends up as tapping) is very disruptive.
My point here isn't that you can't get someone's attention with their name, it's that the parent needs to notice when the child is becoming desensitized to his name because it's the only way you have of correcting him. Instead, correct with the appropriate action. If what's called for at the moment is for you to go over and put your hand on his shoulder, then so be it.
bit says
Is she old enough to be responsible with a simple cell phone? That would be one easy way to buzz her for attention.
I went to school at the college (RIT) associated with the National Technical Institute for the Deaf, and a couple common attention getters I remember were – strobe lights (fire alarms), vibration devices (attached to alarm clocks and such), and BIG arm/hand waving in the person's line of sight, as well as loud vocalization noises (since some people had partial hearing or could feel the bass/vibration on music if it was turned up).
bit says
Also, if you have a local (or semi-local) School for the Deaf or a support group for parents of deaf children, they will likely be able to give you some more personal recommendations for devices/techniques.
HeatherB says
I'm on board with this idea.
Tia@ClanMcKenna says
You are of course spot on about discipline and the use of names in your post, however I just had to laugh. When choosing the names of our children, we yell them out the back door to see how they sound, i.e., Kathleen Elisabeth, Cooper John, Maggie Colleen, Dylan Joseph, Tara Jean! We do this with great authority and enthusiasm and if it sounds so, then that shall be their name. Justly though, I do try only to use their names when I need to yell it out the back door. The rest of the time I refer to them as love or pet. Hopefully I don't convey the wrong message – hehe.
_Leila says
Tia, funny. The child's name does have to sound good when the neighbors are listening!!
Katieliz says
Ha – I'm Kathleen Elizabeth too! Don't think I've ever run across another one. It's a lovely name 🙂
Kathy@9peas says
I love this, and love hearing about other families especially large ones where the mother isn't mumbling in the corner nursing a stiff drink. Thank you Leila, you are a blessing!
Tamara says
🙂 I feel late to the party on every author of quality fiction. I'm making up for many years of reading literary junk food. Thanks for the recommendation.
Trisa says
This post has perfect timing. I have a four year old boy at my ripe old age of 41 and I know I am guilty of this with him! I have 2 teenage daughters who I know hear me when I talk even if they pretend not to hear, but I honestly don't think my little guy hears me most of the time! I had another mom at his preschool today tell me that her son talks about mine, and that “his is the only name of the kids that he knows” so I'm thinking that the teachers may use his name a lot too. I am afraid I have gotten lazy with this last child and need to work on my fast response to behavior. Thanks for the wisdom!
Therese says
Holy moly. I have said to my husband, “I am tired of saying (insert child's name here) and he must equally sick of hearing it.” I say it lovingly as well, but I can hear myself saying it equally out of frustration as well. But you're right, he probably tunes it out, even worse. I am vowing to only say his name lovingly this week. Thank you!
Sara says
I never thought about this—except to the extent that children really learn not to like their names when you use both of them when they're in trouble! When we got our troublesome pup 2 years ago, we learned that we're not supposed to use his name except for praise, but someone, who shall remain nameless, (ha!) uses it all the time when the dog is naughty, even though I keep saying it doesn't do any good. It doesn't direct him to the correct activity, just teaches him not to listen. I think we'll have to work on this! I especially like the idea of calling the kids beautiful and handsome.
_Leila says
Sara, ever think about how the Obamas named their dog Bo? They should have tried Tia's method (comment above) and practiced yelling it! Sounds (to a dog) like NO!
San says
I so needed to read this, in fact I shared it with my husband and he totally agreed, especially since both the youngest two are on longer responding when there name is called!! Oops, it is going to be an interesting week ahead.
lauren says
Great reminder. My kids are sometimes good when we go out and sometimes bad, and I have to admit that I do think many times my daughter tunes out my directions/her name because maybe I talk too much and follow through too little. On another note, how does one box ears? Just kidding!! 🙂
Margaret says
You take both your hands and simultaneously hit both their ears. Seems to be a popular disciplinary technique in 19th century novels;)
_Leila says
Yes, think “smack upside the head” 🙂
I wouldn't personally go for this technique, but it seems effective in this case!
anna says
Glad to know I'm not alone in my struggles!
Jennie says
I loved Bonhoeffer's biography and the portion you shared was one of the more memorable parts for me too!
Lara says
I had to laugh at this post! My kids have so many pet names that only when they were really in trouble did we use their given names, so we didn't wear them out. HOWEVER, I pointed out to my darling girl (14.5 and the only child at home!) that she is often guilty of “Mom, mom, mom, mama, mom, mom, mom…..” and I tune HER out as a result! Her favorite thing to call me when I've tuned her out is “Nub-nub” because I always laugh at it and pay attention to her. Can't say enough how much fun I've had with a teenaged daughter, and I almost dreaded it because my relationship with MY mother wasn't/isn't very good.
NY Mom says
When my boys were of an age to be punitively consigned to the corner (facing IN), we referred to it as going on “spider patrol”. A touch of dry humor let them know it wasn't a death sentence, but they knew it was still punishment.
Also…long ago I realized that repeating/calling their name was a waste of time. It was far more effective to suddenly appear (I do mean suddenly, as in swiftly and with purpose) in their presence and speak sternly. They were always shocked that I took the extra step, which meant business. Yelling was also ineffective; far better to speak in a low, serious voice, eyeball to eyeball, with a hand on their shoulder.
Natalie says
Love this post and all the comments. It's a serious thing to GET UP when pregnant and deal with the transgressors. I like the idea of “considering within yourself” first if its worth it to give the command/direction. My oldest seems especially stubborn and sometimes I wonder if I expect too much from a 3yr old?
carrien says
Timely. I have a lovely hill tribe woman as my close neighbor who has an 18 month old. The other day she was at my house and I heard that child's name as he was getting into things, in a harmless baby way, more in the space of 10 minutes than I hear all my kids names all day long. It was almost a song. I started thinking along these lines, that she was teaching him to ignore her when she called him without knowing it. Then I started asking myself if I wasn't starting to do the same thing when calling my children to me over again when they haven't come the first time. No I read this and realize there hasn't been much affection in the way I say their names lately either. Time to change. Thank you.
Donna L. says
Thank you for this! I whisper to my kids, and they listen…it's a trick I learned many years ago when I was a public-school teacher..
Our nickname for misbehaving twirps is “Nutmeg” as in: “Hey Nutmegs, who put the dishes in the sink instead of the dishwasher?” It sounds funny, and then we don't go through the “Luk- Meliss-Jani-Maria” when we are trying to get their attention.
I try to say their names with love, almost reverently, and I will use this beautiful and humorous post to try to improve.
Auntie Leila, what about a friend who REALLY needs this advice, and takes 20 minutes to make her 3 year-old child mind and share a toy? Would you recommend just jumping in and taking charge? It makes playtimes positively horrid as my little one is in tears since the other boy won't share–she says he is “the brat of the family” and the other siblings agree. So sad, because there are times I want to leave instead of play with the little guy.
_Leila says
Donna, the first thing is to send your friend a link to this blog!! 🙂
It's always tricky when you would like to visit with a friend and have difficulty because your kids are made miserable by their kids. You have to see if it is worth it to you and also if there is a way for you to be a good influence.
And of course, it's possible that one's own kids are making others miserable! 🙂
It's hard to say what to do from here, but — some ideas:
There is the refuge of “house rules” — so you can intervene on the basis of “Oh, in OUR house we do X” and gently redirect behavior, talk to the child not as you would your own — not with a rebuke, but with a “channeling” voice like “why don't you both play with this and I'll help you” type of thing. Certainly if he is hitting or flailing on the floor you can jump in and cover things up with “hostess talk” like “let me help you get out of this” or “I have a special toy I want to show you.” In some cases, you do have to speak sharply to someone else's kid, and if they don't get the hint, what can you do? It might be better to wait a year to get together.
You can plan activities that don't involve sharing, like outdoor climbing, sandbox, trikes, playground, indoor playdoh, tumbling, Duplo for everyone.
You can stand by the swings to talk and each have a kid swinging.
It can be worthwhile to take a break from talking to sit with the children and see if you can help them figure things out together. Helps the mom to see that you are not expecting her to talk to you the entire time, but to take time to guide her child.
She is likely embarrassed by her child's behavior, thinks you disapprove, and doesn't have the will to fix things, or the know-how.
When another mom has indicated her frustration with a particular child, I've realized that being positive can really help. “You know, I would never say that (he's a brat) about little X. He is highly intelligent and someday he is going to be your right-hand-man. He's got lots of spirit and we love him so. Sometimes kids give you a hard time but those turn out to be the greatest.”
Letting her know you LIKE HIM can go a long way, even if the results aren't immediate.
Everyone needs encouragement, and this, combined with your active involvement in their actual play will help — over time, not right away. Three is very young to learn to share and behave very well.
Carol Kennedy says
Thank you so much for this post! It is so timely for me. I was just saying yesterday that I am tired of hearing the sound of my own voice!! AND I started a blog post about trying to be as patient as my GPS. So I just had to add a link to this post on my GPS post!
_Leila says
Of course, part of my advice is to get up and administer a spank! 🙂 There's patience and there's saying your child's name over and over, ineffectually, and there's too much patience. And there's swift retribution.
Carol Kennedy says
You are right. I need to learn to just go to them and deliver consequences instead of yelling or repeating over and over again. I think some “infractions” are just childish quirks like a lot of table manners, and things like tapping feet, annoying noises, etc.–those need patient repetition and maybe some fun incentives. And then things like talking back, “forgetting” chores, fighting with siblings need consequences. At 7, 9, and 11, my kids are too old to spank…I think…but I do dole out “extra chores” and take away privileges (like desserts, screen time, free time etc).
Margo says
You know, I feel like good about my parenting after reading this post! Not perfect, but like we're going in the right direction. I always greet my children by name with “good morning” and do the same at bedtime – usually a hug, too. I also have taught them, in this big old house, to say “coming Mom” when I call their name and then to show up immediately. Doesn't always happen, but it's far preferable to a yelled “conversation” and I try to only call them when I really need their physical presence.
Mary says
Aunt Lelia, can you please write a book? With this, and all of your experienced motherly advice? For the sake of children? For mothers? For the sake of the world?
Emily says
It's my husband's first full day back to work since our second baby was born. My first day on my own, complete with a doctor's appointment for the baby. Truly, the three-year-old is proving more difficult than the newborn in this transition, and this is just what I needed to read. I feel like too many of my interactions with my oldest are negative right now, and I love the reminder to speak with affection. Thanks, Auntie Leila!
Kerith says
Thank you! This is just what I needed to read today!
Mitty says
I know you are not in any way recommending or even condoning ear boxing of children, but I have to say that this is a particularly bad example to use in an otherwise sensible post. My mother had partial hearing loss as a result of her “experienced” mother boxing her ears. One incident did the damage. Experience as a mother does no good at all if it leads one to assault a child. I certainly agree that a child should get lots of affection and loving attention as well as prompt and fair discipline, and raised a lovely and responsible adult (with good hearing) on this principle.
_Leila says
Mitty, it's true, children can be hurt permanently by adults.
It's terrible that your mother was hurt this way, and it reinforces my thought that the bottom is tailor made for the spank — not the head!
I stand by the example, though — First of all, it's from real life, which is so much better than the pretendy scenarios the experts give us wherein the children are all calmly, patiently re-directed to something gentle and appropriate. Second, it's taken from the annals of a happy, healthy, large family with exemplary parents. In no way could Paula be considered an assaulter of children. And it shows you that yes, corporal “reality therapy” works wonders.
There are many, many stupid and destructive things even good parents can do, not limited to the sphere of discipline. I once witnessed a new mother's mistake of washing her newborn baby with a LOOFAH. The child looked like a burn victim. We can't therefore refrain from ever recommending washing babies, or expunge episodes in history when moms washed their babies.
“Boxing the ears” is an expression, and if you have common sense you realize that it's no more than a smack on the head to get attention, which the child will survive. Like many other things, we have to have self-control and not hurt the child's ears (and let's be honest, moms have damaged their children's ears – permanently — with q-tips!).
In Arabic, it's literally translated, “hit with a pen on the face.” I was horrified when I heard this expression as a child — “You would hit a child in the face with a PEN??” It seemed cruel and also strangely particular — you'd have to go get a pen, which seems like it would take a bit of time in a lot of cases.
Turns out it's just an expression, and it means to slap.
Let's have some common sense and learn from these elegant, refined, and loving people, the Bonhoeffers — that our family will be happier if we don't get paralyzed over fears of “assaulting a child.” If any reasonable action on a parent's part is called “assault,” “abuse,” or what have you, we will end up incapable of acting for the child's good.
Mitty says
Yes, you can see why I reacted strongly to your example. Fifty years of hearing, “Come around to my other side; you know I can't hear you,” leaves its mark! However, I think you have misunderstood what it is to “box the ears”. The punishment is delivered face-to-face and consists of slapping alternate ears hard and fast. A quick 1-2-3 delivers terrible pain, as it is meant to do, and guarantees that you have your child's undivided attention. This latter is probably why it was an acceptable punishment in previous centuries. To use your (horrifying) loofah example, you would not say, “It is important to bathe your baby thoroughly, and here's an example.” I have no judgement for Mrs. Bonhoeffer. I know nothing about her, and I would hate to be judged on one moment taken out of context from my years of parenting. In her day, this punishment was accepted, and I do her and other parents the justice to think that they would have stopped boxing ears if they knew a child who had been injured. (My grandmother was not one to admit her faults, and I expect that no one outside the family knew of the reason for my mother's hearing loss except the doctor.) As another example, when you and I were small, it was completely acceptable to shake small children hard as a punishment. People were incredulous when research in the 1980's revealed that this can and often does result in some degree of brain damage, however minor. So we do have to move on from some techniques because they have not stood the test of time.
As to your main point about getting on with applying discipline rather than chanting the child's name and engaging in endless pleading and argument, I am in entire agreement with you. I do favor a *brief* and *concrete* (why do we think children have abstract reasoning ability?) explanation while the discipline is being applied. For example: “No hitting! You hurt Johnny's arm.” And I would add that the discipline should be fitted to the child's temperament. A quiet and dreamy child won't be troubled for long in her room, while a show-off will use the platform of a corner in plain sight to attract more attention to herself.
_Leila says
Mitty, “Without shedding a tear, he now did what he ought.”
Successful parenting in any time period.
Must not have hurt all that much.
Did he need it all explained to him? No. An explanation and calling his name at this point (“Dietrich! Dietrich! Dietrich! Stop it! Why are you being a nuisance! We're trying to get out the door! Leave your sisters alone! Dietrich! Dietrich!”) would serve only to desensitize him to words! This is borne out by my experience with children from nice families who simply DO NOT HEAR THEIR NAMES. And do not behave unless it suits them.
There is intellectual and emotional child abuse as well as physical. Better to have a balance, using the appropriate tool at the appropriate time with a firm, rational confidence in one's God-given authority.
Becky says
Wonderful! And so true… I love this post!
Polly says
Brilliant.
I am SO inspired by Paula Bonhoeffer; I loved the descriptions of Bonhoeffer's early life and their household (and yeah, I envy the servants, but still) so much that I took note of them! And the biography is a wonderful one. Will be required reading of my little pupils in 10 years.
I tend to use my children's names very affectionately and give them nicknames, but I do confess to frequently uttering a shrill shrieking name from time to time, to do everything from Stop Picking On Your Sister to Get Your Shoes On It is Time to Go! I will be more mindful now.
Karen says
Very thought provoking. Even though I have seven children (mostly grown), I had never considered this. I don't think they are brats, but they probably do tune me out sometimes. hmmm….
Ginger says
I have been employing your antidotes for the last four days. It has curbed not only my children's behavior, but mine as well. Just the sound of my feet on tile floor heading their direction gets their attention more than yelling ever did. Boy had I become lazy!
Thank you for such timely, and practical application of the principal. You are truly a God Send.
Rebecca says
Thank you so much for taking the time to use your God given wisdom and humor combined to give us Moms a refreshing drink of fellowship, rebuke and encouragement. I am up for the challenge, something hasn’t been right around here for a while and I suspect a lot of it is my fault. Pray for me and I for you.
P.S. Please keep writing; my husband has commanded that I continue to read these types of posts from you.
Annie says
Thanks for this wonderful post. One question: at what age do you think it appropriate to begin disciplining children? I ask because I have a not-quite 8 month old (my first)…he’s just beginning to understand cause and effect but it’s hard to know how much he understands.
Leila says
Annie, as you have intuited, 8 months is certainly old enough for a kind of understanding! It’s so fascinating. Now is the time to start saying in a calm, firm way, “Oh, don’t hit mama!” or “lie still while I change your diaper.”
You will find that he tries the behavior again because he is in the testing stage – he simply *must* find out if the same reaction is forthcoming!
So you say it again, firmly and calmly. “Gentle, gentle” you say, as you take his hand and stroke your cheek with it. Then you move on.
This is the sort of thing that really is true “discipline” — not the harsh reaction the word conjures, but the relationship you establish where you convey to him that you are in charge and that in his own way and for his own good, he will look to you for guidance.
It takes a while to see a response, but you will. You will see that this “discipline” is building trust — as well as a healthy “reality conditioning” that will stand him in good stead.
Little by little!