Dear Auntie Leila,
I’m getting married soon and I will be bringing to the marriage my debt and salary, both of which are moderately large. We’re thinking of keeping our finances separate until I at least pay off my debt (at least, my mom says I should do this), but the priest has told us it’s not a good idea – but it just makes me so nervous to not have mine separate! I have my own credit cards too. What do you think?
Love your blog and thank you!
Maddie
Dear Maddie,
I know. It seems so old fashioned or just downright not an issue whether your finances are separate or not. What’s the big deal, right? You’ve been on your own and so has he. It seems normal to continue this way…
Well, can I tell you something different? About trust? About… the “second decade” of your marriage… that you can’t see… but I can… when things change…
People talk about later on in your marriage as “losing the romance” or warn that marriage isn’t a bed of roses. (Sometimes they blame the children, and for that reason, many couples are afraid to have children! But that is a topic for another post.)
But that isn’t quite it. (For instance, romance looks pretty good here in the fourth decade!)
It’s more this: You don’t just come to a marriage fully formed and then proceed to experience things in a static way. No. You are in the process of changing, he is in the process of changing, and you also change each other. It’s calculus, not addition.
It has to do with things interacting in the dimension of time, like how your car isn’t getting the same mileage at every moment because you have to factor in the effect of the weight of the gas you’re hauling as well, which obviously is lessening as you use it. It’s only shorthand to express what’s happening as miles per gallon, just as it’s shorthand to say, “I’m like this and he’s like that.” You’re the way you are because he does certain things, and vice versa, and time (together) is a factor.
We hear a lot about how a mother bonds with her child, even on a hormonal level. What we don’t hear as much about is how the married couple bond, and how their bonds are forming not only by means of their physical relationship but even more by how they meet each challenge that comes their way. (You might even say that the physical relationship is God’s gift for smoothing the path of all those challenges!)
In the first decade, every little and big thing is not only something to talk about and solve, it’s a way to bond – or fail to bond.
If you are really not ready to marry on account of debt, and obviously it would be better not to have debt, separate finances aren’t the answer. Waiting to marry until things are paid off or down is the answer. And usually, very much in love couples will find a way to deal with the debt without waiting too long.
2. Money represents your plans and goals for your life together.
In addition, having two distinct finances makes the goal of having a family more difficult. Even well off couples get trapped into thinking that they can’t do without the wife’s income, simply because of the habits they went into the marriage with. It’s better to be used to thinking in terms of one income stream for welcoming children, which is actually the purpose of marriage! (I heartily recommend using your income to pay down any debt or save until babies come.) Taking care of the home and children is its own contribution, but not one with any kind of dollar sign attached. Seeing that value takes real unity.
What will you do when God blesses you with a child? Start negotiations over who buys what? Please. That’s no way to live.
3. Money represents freedom, but dependence is better in marriage.
Every choice you make based on the thought that you are really free from your spouse is a choice that will weaken trust. Not only is having one set of finances challenging to the woman’s sense of independence, it’s also challenging to the man’s fear of being depended upon. Yet, to have a family, these are the challenges. The sooner faced, the better.
4. Money represents power. But there is no room for power in a marriage.
It’s not that you set out to use money as a weapon against each other, but when things are tough, every weapon seems handy at the time. Just put this very powerful weapon out of reach from the get-go.
5. Dealing with money makes you confront your demons: how you handle money, debt, priorities, children.
When you have separate money, you remove some of those processes – some opportunities to decide things together with all the conflict that entails. Hashing things out given your resources is how you become a strong citadel, tested for battle against the enemy. If you don’t test your abilities to make tough choices when you are first setting out, with lots at stake and nowhere (i.e. another bank account) to go, you essentially build weaknesses into the walls, only to be discovered later. Now, for instance, having debt seems overwhelming, but you have no idea how complicated things get later. This obstacle will seem like nothing in about 15 years compared to what you face, hopefully together, hopefully with trust.Dont' think “Oh, we'll solve our problems later” if you are also keeping separate accounts. That is the problem!
6. Men’s worst fear as time goes on is that their wife will leave them, taking their children.
Ordinary men, men who married with cheerful good will, become either violent or utterly defeated, depending on their temperament, when faced with this possibility. For some reason this psychological fact is subject for mockery or a reason to belittle a man. I can’t understand that. Start now, in this concrete way, to show him that you will never leave him (which is what you are about to vow).7. Women’s worst fear is that they can’t trust their husbands to love them maturely.
Why enable this from the outset? What purpose could having his own money serve other than selfish needs, by definition?9. Communication, including communication about the details of handling money, is the lifeblood of marriage.
10. Children get the wrong idea about marriage when money is separate.
If we really want our children to be able to make healthy relationships of their own, unified and generous, we have to be living that way ourselves from the start.Go for it – go the whole distance, together. Go all in. Make it about trust. You won’t be sorry.
{Maddie hasn’t yet begun her life with her husband. Maybe you started on the wrong foot. It isn’t too late to change things. Once you realize how much shared finances can enhance your relationship, you can start to have a good conversation about where you would like to go from here. Know that you can start over! Beginning again is better than rushing in the wrong direction.}
~~~~~~~~~~~
{Ask Auntie Leila is me telling you what to do based on nothing more than being opinionated and having seen a few things in my life. The questions are taken from real conversations and actual emails I get from readers. You can email me at leilamarielawler @ gmail dot com with your question. I will never publish your name or details without asking you first if I may, so don't worry. It may be a while before I get to you, because I do pray about the answer and — there is a long file awaiting!}
Robin says
Gold Star, Auntie Leila! Gold Star! I have observed both sides of this so many times!
Mary (Owlhaven) says
Excellent, thanks!!!
From a wife in the 3rd decade of marriage
Kathryn says
Amazing, amazing post! I'm going into my second decade of marriage (10 years on Friday), and expecting our fourth child in a few weeks, and this advice is more true now than ever before. There is only so much money and so many needs, but keeping things from each other would result in more hardship and less freedom, not the other way around.
Anne-Marie says
So, so true.
From another 3rd decader.
And reason #11: Money represents contribution, and separate finances mean you keep measuring each other's contributions in unhelpful, even damaging, terms. Your contributions become a matter of negotiation rather than of free giving.
Plus, when one person's financial situation changes due to job loss, promotion, maternity leave, or whatever, the division of finances either has to be reset (which means more negotiation) or the new imbalance will lead to resentment (which is poison).
Diane says
Wow-I stumbled upon this post on Facebook and I can tell you I will be following Aunt Leila from now on. She is so insightful and I wish more people saw and wrote with such truth and selflessness. Kudos to Aunt Leila!
Dyan says
WOW!!! My husband and I will celebrate 20 years of wedded bliss this summer. I agree with you, and I commend you for writing such truths. Thank you for your dedication. I have shared your blog with many others, and I will continue to do so.
Rebekka says
Our 11th anniversary is a few days away, and for the majority of those years we've had shared finances. But last year when we changed our loan, the bank persuaded us to have separate income accounts. I hate it. It's such a pain – even though we in practice use them only as allowances (we transfer almost all of our paychecks into a shared account). In a few months I'll be going on maternity leave with our second child, which means my income will suddenly be negative. I don't recommend it at all.
Amy says
We will celebrate 17 years this August. We spent many years struggling with the subject of money (the only other thing we fight about more is the lawn.) In year 11 we agreed to letting my husband have a separate joint account for his spending money. He doesn't do well with cash and we had problems with communication and the debit card. At the time their was a lot of conversations about separating the finances altogether. I think doing this one thing may have been the most grown up thing we ever did.
Rhonda says
We have had joint finances from the Monday after our wedding. I brought in 4 years of college debt and he had no debt. He was lucky his parents could afford college, mine couldn't. The college debt became our debt, and was figured into the budget. It was just another bill. The debt was paid off, as was my 3 additional years of graduate school that followed a few years later. We have been married now for 16 years and have acquired and paid off many debts over the years. We do it together, all of it, always. Money does cause stress, specially when jobs are lost, debt grows, and one doesn't pay as much attention to the available cash flow as the other. We have worked through it all. If we would have kept separate accounts, we would not have made it through the rough times as easily because we would never have seen the whole picture together.
priest's wife says
I agree 100%!
Lauren says
This article was so timely for me. We have had joint finances since we married 4 years ago and working through our individual ideas of where to save/splurge has sometimes caused disagreements but reprioritizing and sacrificing always ends up being the best way to grow. I was thinking lately though that I could have more freedom if I had a separate account for the areas of the budget I manage (grocery, household, my spending $) so I could spend the leftovers freely… But you made me realize that would have been a bad idea, since we are already on the right path. Thanks for being so thorough with this topic; I love your marriage posts.
MaryKD says
I am not married right now, but I have always thought that united finances make a lot of sense. All of your reasons here make it even more clear that it is a good (and right) way to go. Thank you for explaining it so well, Aunt Leila!
LJ says
That's what I thought, but now I can cite evidence for it. 😉
Sarah says
We use a great little program called Mint (mint.com for Americans, mint.ca for Canadians). It helps me keep our budgets in order and allows total transparency. I don't hide purchases and neither does my husband. We both have a single separate credit card, but that's more of a reflection of how much of a hassle credit card companies put you through to change anything.
When we got married friends suggested that we make a category called “joy money” which is similar to “mad money.” In our almost 4 years of marriage we've had who was earning more money change several times (lost jobs, two beautiful children, school, and now starting a business), but the joy money is evenly divided. It's the amount we can spend each month without consulting the other. Get a coffee with a friend or buy craft supplies for myself, usually a bit of junk food and video games for my husband. It's what our gifts to each other come out of too. The rest is family money, food, rent, essential clothes.
Setting the budgets and financial goals together can be so much fun.
Debbie says
Rem acu tetigisti, Leila- and succinctly and cogently expressed as well. It should never even be a question- how could separate finances be compatible with being “bone of [his] bone and flesh of [his] flesh”?
May we reach our fourth decade together, too, please God!
Whitney says
Follow-up question:
We did have our finances separate but, no matter how much husband told me it was fine, I felt terribly guilty buying little things for myself (a candy bar, a dress on sale). We now have one main account where both our paychecks go (no kids), and then there's an auto transfer every month of a small amount from the main account into two checking accounts — one for each of us. It's our fun money to do with what we'd like.
It does help me feel less guilty about “wasting” money — because it was budgeting for and the sole purpose of that little bit of money is for me to blow on frivolous things that make me happy.
How do you view this? Does this sort of arrangement have the same sort of problem as fully separate finances?
Thank you!
_Leila says
Whitney, if this is what makes you be able to spend the money on yourself that your husband would like to see you spend, then I say awesome! The point is that you talked things over, assessed the issues, and solved the problem together in a way that preserves everyone's well being and promotes your comfort level. That is far, far different — as different as can be! — from you doing your bills and him doing his bills and the two of you haggling over who pays for what! See what I mean?
Whitney says
Yes, I do! Thank you so much! 🙂
Sarah says
I'm going to chime in. This sounds like what we do, but with actual accounts rather than just items in the budget. I posted above. I don't think that's the same thing as having separate accounts.
Separate accounts looks like “Well, I make more than you so I'll pay this bill and you pay that…” and inevitably ends up with one person having more free money than the other. It's a real spirit of “cohabitation/roommates” and less of “partners for life”.
Phyllis says
This sounds like what we do, too. Everything goes into one pot, but then a little is set aside every month (well, most months) for our respective discretionary spending. And by discretionary, I don't mean go to the casino, but rather purchases like my make-up or his music. Whatever it is usually ends up being something that both of us will benefit from in some way.
I totally agree with Mrs. Lawler about going all in with respect to finances – there is nothing like that moment when you look each other in the eye before making an offer on a house. Especially when you can feel your unborn baby kicking you at the same time. Scary but exciting!
Susan says
Recently read “The Surrendered Wife”–author gives great advice on finances. Her whole book is about achieving greater intimacy with your man. After 18+ years of marriage, I followed her advice on how to treat my husband–she was right on! Leila is too!
Suzette says
Wow!!! I just read this book and am sharing it with so many! She also published “The Empowered Wife”. Auntie Leila I wish you would read them both and weigh in!!!
tacy says
These are really great tips. Thank you! My husband and I do not keep anything private. We take care of different expenses, by reason of necessity, but it is all open communication and clear boundaries. Great thoughts!
Melissa Diskin says
Bless you for this, Leila! One thing that combining finances forces you to do also as a couple is discuss “family of origin” issues surrounding money. Everyone's family has healthy and not-so-healthy attitudes toward money, and by coming together you can bring the unhealthy ones to light, hopefully in good discussion. It's amazing how you can go from “WHAT!!! You want to spend money on THAT!!!” to “my granny would roll over in her grave, but of course she would — she grew up fatherless in the Great Depression” and feeling perhaps puzzled, but overall okay, about a spouse's purchase. 🙂
-Melissa
nt12many says
I got tears in my eyes reading this, Leila. Thank you. You said a lot of things that even Christian financial gurus miss. Perhaps they miss them because they are men?
This post made me feel better about our life (now in the third decade of marriage) and our untidy, imperfect financial situation. You made me realize (and remember) the deeper lessons we have learned through sharing our finances.
Jill Farris
_Leila says
Ah, Jill, yes — there is so much there — money in the end is so unimportant! What matters is that you went through it all together and stuck with each other! God bless you!
ellenjohnson824500384 says
This is great! My husband and I set up our joint account when we were engaged to start saving for the wedding. I remember some of my friends and co-workers being very critical of us for this, thinking we were being foolish, but it just made sense to us. Then when I started staying home two years into our marriage, it wasn't a huge adjustment for me to stay home and my husband to make all the money. It never mattered who made the money, it was never his money/my money, it was always shared! Anyway, thanks for this, Auntie Leila! I'll be sharing this with my engaged and newlywed friends!
Annie says
Excellent! Excellent! Excellent! 3 Cheers for Auntie Leila! I'm immediately forwarding this post to every engaged couple I know, and my parish priest!
I'm in the first decade, and it was my decision to turn my finances over to him (basically, my checkbook register) during our engagement process that saved so much heartache later. I have a friend who married his wife with over 100k of college loans. He considered the entire deal a bargain b/c she was going to give him a happy home and many children, something he had wanted for years. I loved that perspective!
Madeline says
I love this so much! My husband and I are only halfway through our first decade (with our third baby due in January), and I can honestly say that learning to budget, trust, and compromise with our finances has already led to a much deeper relationship. The lessons we learn while trying to be good stewards of our resources translate into every other aspect of marriage. Granted, we still struggle daily in this area- it just gets so complicated! It's encouraging to read that all struggle results in the vision we both have for our family.
Alice says
Oh, I really agree, especially having grown up with parents who have separate accounts who now, in their fourth decade, are having trouble talking over their retirement finances. We have a shared account and each have our own accounts because I'm pretty sure our University would forget how to pay me if I changed over entirely– and even with how much we share about the joint account, discuss our finances, I've found that the shared accounts are still a hurdle to honest talking about how we see money, budgets, and spending very differently. I can't wait to get rid of this employer and this bank account.
Alice says
Oh, and a funny story about the joint account: we trucked off after our marriage to make the account, and I was starry-eyed and newlywed etc., and we told the bank officer that we were newly married, etc. etc., — but when our first statement came, it was addressed to “Mr (etc etc) and *Miss* (etc etc).” It seems just silly and eyeroll-inducing now, but in my newlywed pride of “Mrs,” I was so peeved!
Kathy@9Peas says
I've been married 22 years and couldn't agree more with this, it is so very true*true*true! Thank you Leila for being opinionated, I sure appreciate your voice and wish I had read something like this when I started out as a very young bride. It took me years to figure all this out, but thankfully we did and are growing up together and reached this place. I would give this advice as well, but won't – I'll just direct those who ask to this post it is full of wisdom!
Magda says
I think this is an excellent post, and one I agree with… but my mother, from my childhood, had always counselled me to have my own money separate. She had been taught that everything belonged to the couple… but she and my father didn't communicate well, so he'd be spending money they'd earmarked (together) for something else, like rent or food. After several years, she realized that she *had* to have separate accounts so she could pay for things the family needed. So I would just add that the communication on the money part is the *most* important, and communicating *before* you get married is very high up there on the priorities list. (That said, I wish my mother would accept that *we* like having joint accounts.)
bit says
We've had a couple different configurations, depending on where we started and what our bank/credit union required to give us 2 debit cards. We started out with our own checking accounts, and then added a joint checking/savings account that most of direct deposit when into and most bills came out off, since we needed to have our own accounts to have our own debit cards. Then we switched to a credit union that required us to have separate savings accounts to be members and separate checking accounts to have 2 debit cards – they were both joint accounts, but it was incredibly confusing to manage. Now we have one savings and one checking but 2 debit cards which is by far the easiest to manage. I just thought I'd mention that the debit cards has often been the sticking point for us on whether or not we have more than one joint account. Credit cards have been joint since we closed older store cards a number of years ago when moving cross-country.
Angela says
My husband and I have been married for 2 years and we have a joint bank account. We do have a couple of savings accounts that are in his name only (one is for treats for my stepdaughter and me, the other is general savings) and I have one account that's in my name only (this is mostly for security in case he dies suddenly – the joint account will be frozen until the will is probated). However, we never consider there to be “his” money and “my” money. Currently, I make twice as much as he does, but we always considered, right from Day 1, that any money coming into the house belongs to the family. We decided that we didn't need to consult each other for small purchases, as neither of us has a significant history of irresponsible spending. We did decide that for large purchases (such as major car repairs, buying new appliances, etc.) we would make a joint decision.
Theresa says
Wonderful post. I completely agree about #6. If you don't have trust in the money area, there will be very little trust in any other area.
DeirdreLMLD says
The Artist and I have recently started using Mint.com (mentioned above by Sarah). It is quite the handy tool! I recommend it. Especially for folks like us who are very visual, it definitely helps in the tracking/budgeting department.
It's also very easy to use it as a way to consolidate all financial information in one place. So, even if you do have to have some accounts joint and some separate for whatever complicated reasons, you can import the info from all your accounts into one place on Mint in order to treat all the money as “ours.”
It took us all this time to finally consolidate and get ourselves straightened out into joint accounts, and I just shut down my old, “Deirdre” account at last. It feels good to simplify – even though we had been treating our money as joint money even before the wedding, it's nicer now to have things be more officially “ours.”
Angela says
*stands up and cheers* Well done, Auntie Leila!
Alea says
Great advice! I'm just going to throw out my best married money advice since we're on the subject: Set a limit together of how much you can spend without approval by the other. I was so surprised lately when a husband friend went out and bought his wife a new car without even mentioning it to her first! (at least it wasn't for him!) I will buy our household supplies and groceries of course without consulting on our limit, but if there is a certain item I'm considering and it's over $100, we talk it over first.
Ginger says
This is so true….every last part. When I got married I brought in money, and I had worked for twenty years prior
to us meeting later in life to us getting married. He had been single, and didn't tell me of his financial situation until the night he proposed. It was quite obvious he did well for himself and he had quite a nice portfolio….in more ways than one.
Anyway, when we were married we knew that we would be trying to conceive fairly quickly due to our ages, so we had discussed that I wouldn't work and would spend that time setting up house (which we moved and I was our own contractor) and I would travel with him when he traveled.
We merged our accounts immediately, as well as changed my last name. Not working was very uncomfortable for me, and having our money available to me was weird for him….So I suggested that I would be the bill and accountant for our home for the first year so we could settle in more quickly to cleaving. It worked well and help the settling process for both of us.
Melissa says
My husband and I just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. My sweet husband came into our marriage with a lot of CC debt and I would like to say it was the best thing that could have happened to us. Instead of hiding from it or running away, my husband stepped up and led us into paying it all off. We spent 5 years getting every penny of Our ( yes I accepted the debt and didn't hold it over his head) debt payed off, it was the hardest years of our marriage but we did it together – one dollar at a time. We had goals and dreams and this debt was weighing us down. My husband was ashamed of the debt and I was angry – but I knew what I was getting into and married him anyway. We've been debt free for 5 years and have 3 wonderful kids. It was the dark times of debt that united us and helped us see what a slave debt was, we're never going back and are thankful that we experienced bondage so we can appreciate the freedom of living debt free – together and united!
Laura says
Hey Leila! Great post! I do have a question, however. My hubby and I have been married for nearly 11 years and while we agree on the principles of money management, the speicifics are hard to hammer out….and in our home, he earns the money, but has left me to manage the money…and for years I've done pretty well…but the last 2 years or so, I've been really frustrated with homeschooling and all the expenses that seem to come with it…(more paper, more pencils, new scissors etc…) And to find the time to balance the budget/pay bills. And as the years go by, it's gotten harder to define need… for example, we run out of laundry soap and still have 4 more days to go in the budget…with four dirt-collecting boys, NOT washing clothes for 4 days would put me waayy behind…but if the money is not in the budget, do I NOT buy the soap? Do I rob another account? Or this week at VBS, they are encouraging purchases of school supplies to bring in for an orphanage–we don't have this budgeted–do we buy it anyway? On one hand, I want to be that example of charity to my sons, but if the extra $ is eaten by driving to VBS every night, I'm in a quandry as to what to do…
Anne-Marie says
Not Leila, but I'll offer my $0.02.
For many budget categories, although the budgeted amount is fixed, the actual expenses can vary a bit from month to month. Sometimes the reason is out of your control (e.g. medical expenses), sometimes it's in your control (e.g. groceries). So I would not worry too much about taking an unexpected expense near the end of the month and counting it against the next month's budget–as long as you know you can do something in the next month to keep within the budget even including this added expense. For instance, if you don't have any extra school supplies on hand to donate to VBS, buy some and count it against next month's charitable donations budget and then reduce your other donations by that amount next month.
But… if you find yourself doing this month after month, essentially giving yourself a payday loan every pay period, then it's time to reconfigure the budget if possible. I'd cut back spending in some categories and add a category called something like “unforeseen” that is designed to give you that needed flexibility.
_Leila says
Laura, it's a good idea when you are having trouble with something like this to, and this is going to shock you, *talk to your husband about it.*
Ask for time to sit down together, preferably with a gin and tonic in hand (read: be relaxed, not stressed and maybe the kids can be in bed). TALK. Let him know your troubles. Hear what he has to say.
You are fretting, and there are different answers to your questions. For instance, you don't have to give to everyone who puts out their hands — you choose. You can look at areas where you waste and resolve to do better (I personally would not be spending money on school supplies in June! Check the sofa cushions.) Sometimes you wait to buy laundry soap, sometimes you eat beans and soup for a few days and buy the soap. Sometimes the boys run around in their bathing suits for a few days.
in the past two years things have gotten a lot more expensive. There may need to be big differences in how you approach things. You may have areas you can save in that you haven't thought of. Don't forget to read my MENUS posts as well as the posts under the category of MONEY.
The point is, if you read your question out loud to your husband (especially the part about feeling pressure to contribute to charities and your worries about finding time to even look at the finances), he will not only help you figure things out, he will tell you some things that are on his mind too. And you will have a great — what is that called?? — CONVERSATION. 🙂
I'm joshing you but you know what I mean, right? xoxo
Kathleen Jaeger says
Oh, embedded in this post is about the challenges of the second decade — which we are about to celebrate in a few days. So the challenges that we are feeling now are NORMAL!?! I had no idea; I see it clearly the stress of being in the middle with more responsibilities than we've ever had before. Yes, almost every conversation leads back to money….should we do this or that…almost everything involves money. Yikes! I would love more insight into the challenges of these later decades of marriage….love to prepared for what's coming down the pike.
Thanks!
Anitra says
Fantastic! My husband and I are closing our first decade of marriage. When we married, I made more money than he. For the past 5 years, I've made very little financial contribution (staying home with children). Having joint finances from the beginning definitely smoothed the transition. And while my husband will occasionally make comments about how “we just paid off YOUR last student loan” or “we still have MY loans to deal with”, it's really all OUR money and it's all OUR debt – his student loans, my student loans, cars (occasionally), mortgage, etc. “The two will become one flesh” – and one bank account 😉
I do appreciate that our budget has fun money set aside for each of us (we call it our “allowance”). We can each spend it as we want, and that keeps us from being jealous or petty about the small stuff, so it doesn't matter to my husband if I get a $10 haircut or a $50 one – it's my “allowance” to spend as I like.
ayearinskirts says
Wow did you ever hit #7 square.on.the.nose. And here I thought I was alone in this fear! One thing I love about your blog is you write things that NO ONE ELSE is writing. You write about the depths of marriage with wisdom that only time and trenches can bring. Sometimes I read your blog and I find myself getting a bit panicky. Because you have such an AWESOME family and I just know we'll never attain that level of awesomeness. I try to remember the spirit behind everything that you all share and I rejoice that there are people like you out there. And you really do help families like mine to retain focus. Even though we might never get quite as in sync, we're trying our best to build a better family life for our kids than we had (and honestly our parents both did the same comparatively to their own upbringing).
_Leila says
ayearinskirts, don't panic. Remember that God gives you the grace to do this marriage thing! GRACE. Believe. Trust. And always remember that God has given you just the people you need to live with — you couldn't possibly live with my people — they are indeed awesome but not in the way you think. Not in a perfect way, just in a way that is just right for me. Your family even right now is the awe of lots of others. Just wait for when they grow up and are your friends! Then you'll see what I mean 🙂 xoxo
Gems says
Thankyou so much, this was an amazing post! I would love to pass it along to everyone I know. We have been married almost 2 and a half years (I know, long way to go yet 😉 )and we opened a joint bank account as soon as we got engaged. One of the best things we ever did. There was never really my money or your money, it's always been ours, no matter who was earning what. And I have to say, when the bills suddenly all hit you (medical bills, pay cuts, rent raised etc) which is bound to happen at some point, you really do need to be completely united to deal with it. And have total trust, just as you said. We were so blessed to start off on the right foot. It's so good to know, after reading your post that it will help us throughout the years ahead.
Just loving your blog and all your wonderful advice. You have given me so many wonderful ideas on how to look after my beautiful little family better. Thankyou!
Abby says
Both my husband and I really enjoyed and resonated with this post. Thanks!
M.J. says
This is a great, great post! I have seen and felt the tension when family members or friends who are married start discussing who is paying for what. It creates a lack of unity that is tangible to everyone around them.
I would like to add one thing, regarding student loans. My husband and I have completely joined finances, excepting our student loans. We pay from the same joint account both sets of student loans, but the loans are only under the name of the spouse who took out the loans. In the event of illness or death of one spouse, the other spouse won't be responsible for the huge student loans of the other. It would be better to go to school without the loans somehow, but that ship has sailed for us. Anyways, my two-cents is advice I've heard from a number of couples: join your assets, keep separate your prior-liabilities. Of course, any loans taken out after marriage should be joint.
Leila says
M.J. Yes, I am all for any financial creativity that helps the family stay safe, financially — for instance, it might make sense to have the house in one spouse’s name if the other is in a line of work where he might get sued and have everything taken away. It all comes down to WHY the money is separate.
I like “join your assets, keep separate your prior-liabilities” — that makes sense.
Tia@ClanMcKenna says
What a great post. I agree with the last commenter, I'm going to direct people (all my married or about to be married) children to this post and to your blog in general. There is a bundle of wisdom in these here pages! Thank you so much for taking the time I know it takes to post here. Kudos on a lot of hard work.
Aly says
Thank you so much for this Auntie Leila. I took a picture of the comment about husbands and wives worst fears. I desperately needed to understand what has been brewing between my husband and me (married three years this fall). These fears have been holding us back. I can have much more grace for his brutish disposition now that I understand he is simply communicating he is scared of losing us!
fiqhonomics says
This is great advice, as long as you don’t get divorced. Oh right, you can’t. So if you marry someone you would never divorce, it is sensible, or actually pointless whether finances are separate or not.
Angela Pea says
I concur! We’ve had shared finances for almost 40 years now. I will add, however, that there is a certain importance in each spouse having (and using) a credit card in their own name, in order to establish a positive credit history under their own identity (SSAN) in the unfortunate case of becoming widowed. Mr. P. and I have shared credit on all major purchases (house, vehicles), but we each have a single individual credit card…transparent to each other, of course…that keeps its own credit history. This was a lesson learned from when Mr. P’s father passed…and EVERYTHING was in his name. It took years to get bank accounts and credit accounts and mortgages and such set up in his Mother’s name because she didn’t have any credit history at ALL.
Suzette says
Auntie! I love this post! I’m going to assume most women realized this however it took me a decade(!!!) to realize joint finances with me having all the keys to the finances is just as bad as separate accounts! C’est la vie! I’m better now with this knowledge. Maybe it will help another sister on her journey!
Leila says
Suzette, I don’t think most women realize this, sadly.