Dear Auntie Leila,
What tips do you have for the new mother, when it comes to keeping
house and getting sufficient rest and still making sure to enjoy the
cuddly baby, particularly when there are other children to tend
to/feed/chase/corral? My husband is amazing and has been keeping our
son happily occupied (and feeding me so well–he rarely cooks under
normal circumstances but when he does at a time like this, he makes
the best things!)–he's also been keeping up with laundry this first
week. But he's back to work Monday–making a living is a priority!!
We had to return to the hospital for jaundice issues in the middle of
the night on Wednesday, but we're settling in at home now–for good, I
hope!
I guess what I am seeking is some wisdom on how to handle these early
weeks. My baby breastfeeds, and I want to be
sure I can really care for her well while also keeping our 3 year old
satisfied (fortunately he's a pretty good little boy…). I am usually
very good at staying on top of meals, laundry and house but I
know we have to figure out a new normal, at least for a few months. My
sweet mom passed away in 2001 so I can't channel her wisdom, and
frankly most of my friends who have second or third babies have their
older child in preschool or day care, so have less ‘ older child'
duties during the day. We don't do either of those (we plan to
homeschool) so my situation among my friends and peer group is, for the
most part, unique….yet I know plenty of mothers out there must have
the same situation and questions.
If this is incoherent, we will blame it on the lack of sleep!
Thank you!
Polly*
Dear Polly,
A big congratulations to you on your new baby!
I think your question is a good one. I think I understand what you are saying, and maybe you are a person who (unlike me) has a pretty high standard for your housekeeping and things in general.
People like me have to be constantly exhorted to do a little more, to keep going a little bit further and not to be okay with disorder.
Then I worry that those who are a little more perfectionist are getting from me that I think they should do more, but actually perfectionists have to ease up on themselves a little.
That is the trouble with giving and getting advice. So much depends on context!
New baby time is a time for letting go of perfection. Go back to my post about your New Year's resolutions taking the reality test. That post is really saying this: Know what your duties really are! For you, your duty is to feed your baby and get her settled. To do that, you have to be rested. You MUST be rested!
That means that you can define your duties to your family (talking here about Dad going back to work and you being on your own) as making sure they have food and clean clothes. If you can get in a tiny bit of blitzing (as defined here) — say, one room every couple of days — not deep cleaning! — just putting a few things away, dealing with papers, and maybe getting a room ready for a vacuuming, but not vacuuming it yourself — that is enough.
In a short enough time you will be going out of your mind and ready to get to all the other things.
It's a great book to read while nursing, and a great “collective memory” book. Anyway, the author tells about this little, very poor community, and how much work the women did with how few resources. They helped each other give birth, and then insisted on the new mother's staying in bed for ten days!Of course, each mother was aware that the other women were shouldering her work as well as their own, because she took her turn as well. The author tells about how the new mother would be docile for a while — maybe two days — because she knew her baby's survival depended on it. But long before the ten days were up, as long as she was healthy, she was raring to go on her own work. (Note, by the way, how this approach is kind to the weak or sick.)
You know when you are ready to get back to things only when you are restrained. You have to have the thought that you must stay put for as long as you can.
Of course, it would be easier if you had other women to come in and “do” for you. Our society, rich as it is, doesn't have that, usually. So you have to impose that on yourself and accept that things won't get done as you might prefer.
{By the way, when you are back on your feet, make it a rule to try to bring a meal to every new mom you know, or go do her laundry — then, with the next baby, you'll get some help! Not that Auntie Leila is mercenary that way. But we have to help each other, sometimes by showing how it could be done. Also, pray for new friends! Ones who don't send their children to daycare!}You are now one week into your life with baby. You must give yourself one whole week more to let things go as much as you can. Your husband won't mind vacuuming one room when he gets home. He won't mind serving the food — simple meals that can be made with a minimum of fuss. He won't mind processing the laundry or stepping over laundry baskets. It's okay!
In the third week, you can start adding a little more — by then, you'll start to climb the wall over the dust, so you can dust and vacuum one room per day — but that's all! Keep in mind that you can do a lot in an hour, so don't stress or feel that if you aren't cleaning all day, you are being lazy.
From three to six weeks, remind yourself that you are still post-partum and give yourself permission to have a down day — a day that you get nothing done but lie on the sofa with the baby and read books to the toddler. This is vital for those days that your body is rising to the demand of more milk for the growing baby.
For your little boy, you have to think of things he can do to use up excess energy. I don't know where you live, but here that's hard when the weather is so cold and snowy. You can let bath time stretch to an hour — give him a can of shaving cream and let him enjoy it! If a friend wants to help, let her take him somewhere — even the mall — where he can just run. It's okay to indulge in a few videos for the toddler so that you can rest. Maybe you could make playdough one day (better, let that person who's asking what she can do for you bring some) and let him really have a ball with it, if he likes things like that. But that should be the ONE thing you do all day! My husband always told me (after some big crashes when I did too much) — only do ONE thing each day.
Ask Daddy to forgo the vacuuming one evening in favor of a walk around the neighborhood with your son or take him to Target for diapers and run in the aisles — or whatever it takes to get his ya-yas out before bed.
Pray about how God asks perfectionist mothers to let go of their expectations for themselves — to be less than perfect in a way that maybe feels like people might judge you. It's okay. You'll have the satisfaction of knowing that no matter how bad it seems at your house, it's no where near as bad as it's been at my house!
You are doing so well!
Lots of love,
Leila
____________
*I'm back to say: See Polly's sweet response to this post in the comments!
Amber says
Thank you! This is so helpful for me to read, even though I'm not quite in the same situation. I'm 10 weeks pregnant and having a doozy of a first trimester, probably the hardest since my first (this is my fifth) I am so glad we homeschool and the 11, 7, and 4 year olds can help entertain the 19 month old when I need to lay down (which is so frustratingly frequent) and I do keep thinking about your resolutions post, that has been so helpful too! So far it has been a very sick few weeks, but not too stressful – and I thank you for your advice, because it has really helped this time go more smoothly!
Anne-Marie says
Polly, I have been in a similar situation but with twin 3yos, and my advice is simply: for now, just be patient and grit your teeth about the mess (or better yet, offer it up). Nature takes care of itself: as the weeks and months go by, you will get more energy and be able to tackle the housework and new routines will get established. But you can't create those routines in advance, right now, in your first couple of weeks. Congratulations and enjoy your new baby.
Oh, one more thing–if nursing is going smoothly, feeding times make great read-aloud times for the toddler. All three of you snuggle together.
Breanna says
Polly! SLEEP!
I had my first baby and then, when she was 20 days old, moved house 600 miles across the country. (Not by choice.) And then for some reason was shocked that I was a blubbering mess, and that we got thrush and mastitis when she was two months old. That was hard hard harder than it had to be.
So listen–if people offer to help, take it! If no one offers to help (and I was there too!) please believe it's okay to have a disaster house for, like Auntie Leila says, six weeks at a minimum! My baby threw up all over both of us several times a day. I had to do laundry. My laundry was downstairs. I did not dust for a long time; I should have done less than I did.
My second baby had jaundice, too. It's weird going from one to two. But I was able to sleep–we had figured out what worked for us, which was cosleeping, which doesn't work for everyone and I don't push it on anyone, but consider it–and I knew enough to stop completely and sit. in. the. recliner at the first hint of a plugged duct with him. Really. It was the most helpful thing I could possibly do for my family at that point to let the toddler watch a show, let the Husband order pizza, and just sit. with the baby.
Close the doors to rooms where you don't want the toddler to go while you're nursing. Get the Husband to put locks and latches on cupboards. And rest!
When you're on your feet a bit more, make a list of simple easy meals that you can make in your sleep without needing to thaw anything (one of mine was tuna noodle casserole), and tuck it away for hard days. Try to get a load of laundry done every couple of days. And then feel good about what you're doing.
Pam says
Great advice, as always! Here is a link to a very good post on a lost concept, “lying-in”, http://gombojavfamily.blogspot.com/2011/03/lying-…
I wish I had known these things, or had been guided to them. Who knows if some of my future reproductive heath issues might have been lessened?
Thanks!
priest's wife says
Pam- this is so true! If we are pro-life and hoping for large than usual families (here, anything more than 1 or 2)- we should have a 'lying-in'
Natalie says
I love that blog and her cultural and biblical research about the concept. Very encouraging to consider while pregnant!!:) thanks for the link!
Sara says
Oh, Leila! I wish I had known 20 or so years ago that I didn't have to be perfect! I wish I had known that my self-worth didn't depend on how many things I checked off in a day—getting extra points for having many little ones underfoot while doing them. I hope it's not too late for these lessons to be meaningful to my family.
Maria says
Hear, hear. I mostly did as you say when my children were babies, giving first priority to resting and taking care of them, but I always felt so bad about the resulting mess that I never wanted to invite anyone over, and that was very isolating.
Jen says
Polly – Congrats on the new baby! Does your 3 yo still nap? If so, I would definitely lay down with the baby while he naps/rests. You need lots of rest and sleep. Make sure you have some easy foods on hand and always a glass of water so you can eat/drink while nursing. During those first few months, I would have a slice of toast with peanut butter – good fat and protein. If no one is offering to make meals, I would make a pot of soup – freeze part and keep part to eat now. Maybe make a couple of different kinds. Maybe if you say what should go in, DH can prep it and get it cooking so all you have to do is stir it once in a while. I'd also make a pot of spaghetti sauce and freeze part. A lot of casseroles/chicken pot pie filling can be made in bulk and frozen. I freeze the pie filling and the night we have it, I thaw it and a pie crust. Shephard's pie can be frozen, minus the mashed potatoes. Add those before baking.
As for laundry, I try to do 1-2 loads a day. Maybe you can get a load or 2 ready and DH or some other visitor can throw it in. Or you can throw it in and let DH put it in the dryer and put it away. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I would organize what needed to be done and let my DH do it. My friends mostly have huge families, so no one helped me when I had my 2 boys. My DH can't always see what needs to be done, but he will do anything I ask him to do. My parents are across the country, and my mother is mostly and invalid, so I couldn't count on help there, even when they do visit.
When people offer help, let them. Help isn't them holding the baby while you do all the housework. Help is them doing the dishes or laundry or dusting or sweeping or vacuuming while you rest and nurse your baby.
During this time, I did let DS1 watch more TV/videos that I would normally. I couldn't give him full attn for everything while caring for a baby.
Good luck during this transition!
priest's wife says
Polly- get yourself on the local homeschooling email lists- even if you do nothing with the group yet…in a while you might find your way to a park day (make sure there will be under-kindergarteners there)
If you start feeling badly that the three year old isn't getting attention, breastfeed the baby on the floor with your back to the sofa (of course, after you heal! and the baby breastfeeds well- this takes me a month)- the big boy can play around you
Give the 3 year old a job- you should never fold dish clothes again or wipe the base boards. Get him a small broom and dustpan- he will think it is fun if he works while you are working too (of course, wait until you are healed)
Michelle says
Dear Auntie Leila, I don't think you could ever, EVER know how much I appreciate your beautiful, kind and accepting words on this blog. I am one of those perfectionists who SO needed someone to just tell me what you've told Polly. POLLY–LISTEN TO AUNTIE LEILA!!!! I am a mom of five (9 to 22 years old) who has struggled with depression all my life because the only way to escape some of the criticism and mental abuse of my narcissistic mom and alcoholic dad was to be perfect in every possible way. But we all know that NO ONE can be perfect. It was a vicious cycle that I transferred to my role as a wife and mother. No matter how hard I try (and boy, did I try) there is no way to be perfect. So, Polly, please take Auntie Leila's advice and cut yourself some slack. These days and months and years go by so quickly. If you give yourself some rest and allow some chaotic days now, you will be such a happier person in the long run. And if you live in the Chicagoland area, I would be SO HAPPY to bring you some dinners and vacuum your house!!!
Anne-Marie says
And I if you live in MD! Leila, can you hook Polly up with readers who are local to her?
MightyMighty says
This really struck a nerve for me, Michelle. I was raised with a similar situation, and perfectionism (with a ridiculous level of sensitivity to criticism) was my response. No matter how much I could logically see that I had done nothing wrong and that my mom was just harsh and unfair, I kept trying to jump higher, assuming that eventually nobody in the universe could criticize my effort. I had a huge insight this last fall when I found some nasty emails my sister had written about me, and I realized that her judgment (which was so similar to my mom's), had NOTHING to do with me. There was stuff in there that was literally made up. I went through a grieving period, and I'm still grappling with the aftermath, but I've finally stopped wasting my efforts by trying to win the approval of people who don't want to be pleased, they want the pleasure of judging.
What really helped me get through this was Al-Anon, a support group for people affected by other people's alcoholism. It really helps you detach from other people's craziness, judgment, expectations, and gossip, and helps you focus on your own business. It has brought me a lot of peace.
Melanie says
Laughing at your beginning statements, Auntie Leila, about needing to be told to do *more*….so much advice out there is about taking it easy on yourself and not being a perfectionist, etc….and I don't need permission to do *less*, I need a kick in the pants! but the one exception would be postpartum. The one thing I would add…my current baby is almost a year old now…with the last two I have realized, finally, that things are just going to be kinda disordered on some level until around month four. That seems to be about how long it takes for baby to find a good routine, for us to find a new normal…until then I feel like i'm just running circles most of the time. but yes, I consider myself definitely an invalid until two weeks out. I don't even get dressed. It sends us all a message. Mom is recovering, don't expect much. 🙂
Ann Marie says
Auntie Leila, This is why I love you. You are so encouraging to all of us. I'm a perfectionist with an only child (he's 4), so a lot of your posts are not written “for” me. I'll never have a house full of kids, I probably won't homeschool my only child (altho I'd love to hear opinions on why I should or shouldn't), I'm not catholic, and I'm the type who vacuums my garage. (I know- a few more kids would cure such foolishness 🙂 ) But I always take away some valuable statement from nearly every post. Thank you- you're a gem! Someday I wanna meet you and hug you in person. 🙂
PS. Be glad I live in VA-I'd probably stalk you. heehee
Lizzie says
I'm absolutely not an expert, since I only have one baby myself, but I have to say that the single most helpful thing for me with a newborn was trail mix. That might seem silly, but it helped to have something to eat with one hand that wasn't the least bit messy, and it didn't need to be refrigerated, so I just left boxes of trail mix everywhere. I can't remember if I made it myself (by which I mean bought nuts and fruit that I liked and mixed them up) or bought it ready-made. I'm not at all sure what my husband ate, but he's still alive, so I guess he found something. 🙂 And actually, he can miraculously cook now (he couldn't prior to baby)… desperate times must call for desperate measures, from his perspective. The world just seems like a brighter place when you're not hungry!
msagala1 says
Thanks so much for this, Auntie Leila! It was just what I needed to hear. I am a major perfectionist, and I am in the midst of a difficult second pregnancy (like with my first, I have had hyperemesis gravidarum and have basically had bad nausea for all or part of every day since Thanksgiving weekend…that combined with anemia from pregnancy really wears me out). I definitely need to hear that there are times when it's okay to go easier on yourself, because I'm terrible at that! Thank you for the reminder!
Sara says
Larkrise to candleford was a great series and is available on amazon instant video, free to prime customers. I had no idea it was a book! Very exciting!
Sarah says
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. (that was me, sighing HUGELY in relief)
Thank you.
Kelsey says
I love this. If you look into it, most traditional cultures (especially east Asian, Indian, Latin American, African, Caribbean,) have pretty complex postpartum rituals that ensure a new mother gets plenty of rest and rejuvenation after birth. Even in some European countries, postpartum nurses are assigned to new mothers at home for a fairly significant period! I know that there are postpartum doulas available in some parts of this country, but hiring one can get expensive. We need to get back to women helping women, regaining community and looking after one another. Treating each other with tenderness at our most vulnerable times. Thank you, Auntie Leila.
Oh! I don't remember which culture this was, specifically, but I did read that one particular African group has postpartum mothers confined for three months (!) and then, when they come outside, the whole village gathers and chants/sings the same victory song used when warriors return triumphant from battle. Isn't that AWESOME?!?!?
Margaret says
As far as keeping your three-year-old entertained, perhaps you could find a young girl (around 9-10) who could come over and play with him while you spend time with the baby. I used to do this for a neighbor when I was in fourth grade, and I loved it! The mother only paid me a couple of dollars, but I couldn't believe I was getting anything!
Also, I know this is controversial (and I'm very familiar with the posts on this topic), but when I had three children aged three and under last year, I finally realized I needed to hire someone to clean my house. The constant mess was getting me depressed, and I don't think lowering my standards was the answer, since the lack of order was affecting the entire family. When I'm done having babies I'll clean it myself again, but for now I would rather have the time to spend with my little ones and do the things that only I can do.
_Leila says
Margaret, I am all for the idea of hiring someone! The issues might be that I personally have always found it awkward, it was never very satisfactory, and I often couldn't afford it. IF you can afford it and IF you can find someone you are comfortable with and IF that person or company does a good job, then hey, go for it!
Anne-Marie says
When my #5 was born, my mother sent me money specifically earmarked for hiring a cleaning lady, to take the place of the housework help that my mother herself would have given had she lived near enough. It was only for a few months, but it was a heavenly present.
Bethany says
I always love Auntie Leila's advice! I wish I had seen this eight months ago when our third baby was born. My own mom lives across country and couldn't stay long to help, but she told me that she was hiring house cleaners (who had been recommended) to come when the baby was about 8 weeks old. Just knowing that I could let the house go a bit and then have someone else come in and do one big deep clean helped a lot. After that, I was able to more or less keep things on track.
I also hired a 12 year old mother's helper to come once a week to do fun stuff with older girls while I get work done or just enjoy some quiet. They love it. I love it. Just a little something to look forward to.
Theresa Korte says
2 little tid-bits to share:
With regard to maintaining a perfect home I remember someone telling me once that when I allow someone to see my imperfect home it helps free that person from feeling they need to have a perfect home. Hope this makes sense and helps someone else out there as much as it helped me.
When I had my first child my mother-in-law did all my laundry and it was very humbling…there were things in the bottom of the hamper that had been there quite a while. I do think letting her do this helped us bond and we developed a wonderful relationship. She has been gone 13 years now and I miss her dearly.
Praying for all you moms with little ones out there!
polly says
Dear Auntie Leila–I cannot say how many times since you sent me that email I have thought that I should reply to you to let you know we survived. And we thrived!! (For all you sweet ones offering immediate help, THANK YOU!!! That storm has passed and my sweet newborn girl is now a toddler. She's a storm unto herself, actually!)
Really, it was the best thing to receive and I cannot say how many times I read it with gratitude. The best part of all, in a twisted way, was your reassurance that it will never be as bad here as it was at your house. Ha! It made me laugh, and it made me remember that with little ones, We Are All In It Together. So true!
I did totally forgo vacuuming for 6 weeks. I swept the wood floors (we didn't have any rugs at the time). When my dad came to visit, HE vacuumed for me….it needed it by then! And by that point, I felt well enough to start to clean a bit here and there. Soups and crockpots were my friend. And I started baking a lot again by the time the baby got a bit older…..
I love what Theresa says above about her imperfect home. I have actually had a renovation of the spirit on this particular issue, since I sent Leila my plea for advice and wisdom. Suddenly I am doing crazy things like inviting new friends over even in the midst of a pretty major home renovation, hosting Complete Stranger Overnight Guests for a night (friends' parents who needed a place to stay….dear people!), cooking supper for a huge group of people, and not fretting about whether the windows are all clean (which is truly what I used to freak out about before people came over, that and many other things). And the world is still spinning and our lives our greatly enriched.
I've also taken Leila's advice on offering meals to new mothers. I had so little support after my second child was born, it is still hard to look back at my sense of sad surprise when no one from the church, 2 women's groups, or community offered meals. (That was not the case with our first child. They came out of the woodwork to help–not much church, but other community members–but somehow I think by the second child the novelty had worn off and people sort of thought I could do it. And I did! But a casserole would have been received with great gratitude!!!) I think we as a culture are losing this collective sense of what we can do for new mothers.
I love all the wisdom in your post, Leila, it was a balm to me and really helped me through those early days when it all seemed SO overwhelming. And I will save this and the useful comments because, Lord willing, we may be in New Baby mode again come wintertime!!!
We are also now part of a homeschool group and so now I have some buddies who have had several children and the olders are at home, so we can commiserate…that's a blessing, too.
anyhow, thank you for the encouragement. It was then and it is now so reassuring. You are the best, dear Leila.
anne says
I have a new baby (and two older siblings) and really, really needed this post. Thank you for your wonder insights, this site is always such an encouragement to me!
Rosie says
Thank you for your wisdom Leila. I've read your blog for a few years now, and I imagine I'm around the age of your girls, just with a couple more kids. Your posts are wonderful and, although sometimes you say things I already know, I'm always glad for reminders or better ways to do thing sin my own home.
I don't have a blog Auntie Leila, but I just had my 4th child (my oldest is almost 6) and I almost wrote this on a private shutterfly site I have with family members. I was thinking about how I need to let go of my perfectionism so I can be a nice mom to my older 3. I laughed when I read this and looked at the 3 baskets of laundry unfolded in the living room, the uunvacuumed floors and the dishes that don't get done until 9pm each night right now.
I must admit that I have been lucky enough to have a group of beautiful moms who bring meals to each other when a new baby comes. To make this happen, sometimes you just have to start it yourself. Our group was ppretty small when I had my first, but I got a number of meals from people who barely knew me because it was our first. Then our group of mom's started growing, and we started a tradition. This started because we know how precious each life is, not just hte first child in a family. So, when each mother gets close to her due date, all the other moms take her out to breakfast, shower her with gifts, and then someone sets up a care calendar for her. The calendar is mostly for meals, but it can include other things too. For example, one mom just had twins as her 4th and 5th, so the other moms in the group came to help her clean, bring meals, and the take her older children to activities or to just take the 3 year old to a different house for the day.
Claire says
i love you Leila.
Rosemary says
Thank you so much for sharing Polly's email and your response! We are expecting our second in November and I feel that with first trimester exhaustion (which is getting better, thank goodness!) I have had a small taste of what the house will be like when I have a new baby and am unable to keep on top of things! (That and I am remembering how LONG it took me to take back dinner-cooking duties from my husband when my son was born!) I will be bookmarking this post.
Gems says
I always come to this blog for some inspiration, thank you Leila! I'm pregnant with my third and have two darling boys under two who are still up and down all night. Even though this beautiful little one isn't even out yet I was in tears yesterday worried about how badly I'm keeping up with everything. It's so nice to find this post and be reminded that it's ok to let things go when there's a new baby. This post was just what I needed!