Dear Auntie Leila,
Thank you for your blog. I've been enjoying it for many months now, and am writing today for advice and support.
My family (my husband and our two little children — and one on the way!) is about to put our home on the market. We will be downsizing from a large house in the suburbs to a much smaller house and yard. We will be able to pay off a big chunk of student loan debt, and I will be able to quit my stressful part-time job.
We will be much closer to my husband's work. We will save on utilities, and the kids will be able to walk to school. We will be getting rid of lots of our belongings in the move, and I'm looking forward to less house and less stuff to maintain.
I can't wait to devote more of my energies to creating the kind of home and family life I envision, and I believe that right now I am called to renew and re-imagine my vocation as wife and mother. I believe this change is the right thing for our family. We need our life to be simpler, and more focused on enjoying one another.
BUT. It's not an easy process. And I think our families are having a difficult time understanding why we would want to leave our “dream home.” My mom, in particular, is projecting her stress onto me. (“I hope you can find the right house.” “Are you sure you want to leave your job? What about your insurance and retirement?” “Where will I sleep when I visit?”)
Do you have any advice for managing the anxieties that creep in when making these counter-cultural changes? And how to help others understand and accept/embrace our plan?! I've been praying to St. Joseph — any other saints to recommend?
A Reader Who Wishes To Remain Anonymous
Dear ARWWTRA,
Thanks so much for writing. It's really wonderful to know that a young couple is taking these steps to prioritize and put important things first. You can't imagine how heartening this news is!
Of course, mothers can't help just being anxious. And, as you say, projecting.
Part of growing up is realizing that you can't wait for affirmation from others to do what you know is right. Or rather, as you have already done this, I should say that you have to accept the aftermath of this resolution, which is to continue to go forward without the nice pats that would be so helpful!
This is so hard, because obviously we are hard-wired to seek affirmation, especially from our parents! Our very lives have depended on it. But at some point, the detachment process has to take place.
{Sometimes, to give these anxious relatives their due, they are trying to convey something that is hard to put into words but is worth hearing, even if expressed in a seemingly unhelpful way. Just having lived so long gives you a perspective that is worthwhile. They don't want you to suffer, and they don't want you to make choices you may one day regret. They sometimes are able to sense danger while remaining incapable of expressing themselves without just seeming negative. It's worth it to try to understand their point of view before dismissing it.
We go to church and the priest tells us that being a Christian means going against the world. And we nod. And we don't realize exactly what this means….
Smile and nod, smile and nod… sometimes you have to calmly say, “I know this is what is right for us.” When it’s a loved one, you can say, “I am sure it makes you anxious to think of us seeming to take a step back, but we’ve really thought about it, and it’s what we need to do.”
Sometimes you can let your husband take the hit.
As to others, friends and co-workers, I do believe that having a positive statement can be very helpful all around, again, as long as you don’t expect immediate affirmation. People need to hear that material well being is not the only kind of good! “Be prepared to give answers,” as the Apostle exhorts us.
Which leads me to another little recommendation: Pray and search for good friends who will be companions along the way — understanding your goals, sharing them, working on some of them themselves, and raising their children with the same things in mind. These friends will stand you in good stead! Everyone needs friends who will encourage them!
You know all this. St. Joseph is wonderful because he had to remain silent while people were all like, “Where did he go?” “He just up and took them to Egypt??” But time was on his side… I guess… even now there are many people who think it did not all work out as far as how Jesus ended up. Sometimes following your convictions means being misunderstood, more or less permanently.
For other saints: Click on the thingy on the sidebar here on the blog that takes you to the Catholic Culture liturgical calendar. Read about the saint of the day, and just keep on until you find the saint who appeals to you. The Spirit leads on that. And maybe our readers can suggest a good saint for you!
I would also recommend Joseph Pieper's Four Cardinal Virtues, which I didn't mention in yesterday's post, but wanted to.
Good for you!
Lauren says
great advice!!!
Katie says
This was perfect. We have recently decided that we are going to homeschool our children and although my family was not surprised by our decision, they definitely think it's weird. I needed to read this today! Thank you also for the book suggestion.
Katie says
Keep these encouraging posts coming. You never know just how the Spirit is using you to prod, nudge and shove some of us! It is so good to see you gently reminding us that the affirmation of others is NOT our primary goal, and that we have to own doing the right thing because we are called to do it.
I'll just echo what you say about praying for good friends. They are a real boon when you are living against the culture, a real balm to the soul when the extended family is aghast at your choices.
Emily B says
Wonderful post, as usual Auntie Leila! Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us!
Breanna says
I get quite a lot of help from thinking about the Lord's Mother (as well as His earthly father) and how she presumably had to put up with being whispered about for years, if not for her whole life. Sometimes saying “yes” to God means that other people just don't understand.
Hang in there, sweet mama! And listen to what Auntie Leila says about letting your husband take the hit, if necessary. My husband did just that during one of our (many) moves and it really helped!
Lisa G. says
Dear Anonymous, please realize that because of your question to Auntie Leila, many will be praying for you, and others with the same situation.
Natasha says
A dream home can hold a sad life and a small home can hold lots of love. I learned this hard lesson and thank God every day that my family survived. My advice is to be a witness for them. What the world sees isn't always what the soul needs. And this blog has helped me see that more than once! Thank you!
Michelle says
What a timely post! I just quit my just about full time job to stay home with my 3 kids. Thankfully we don't have to downsize our home to do it, but there will surely be other financial sacrifices. I received a lot of questions from my coworkers when I announced my decision, mostly along the lines of “do you want to work less?” And also comments like “don't go” or “you can come back later as a consultant.” All that feedback made me feel good in some ways and a little tormented in others. But, deep down, I knew I was making the right decision. Home is where I need to be right now. My husband and I want a less stressed mom and peaceful family. I will pray for your reader.
Auntie Leila, thanks so much for your blog. The encouragement you give us moms with young families is invaluable!
Megan @ The Ipps says
Wonderful advice. Every time that we move and the more children we have, the less “stuff” that husband and I want in our home. Simplicity constantly beckons us and we are striving to get rid of more from our home. I am tired of feeling tied down to our belongings ( toys, clothes, and especially knicknacs) and spending all my precious time cleaning/ picking up/ washing/ and trying to find room for. I am partial to Saint Rita (her Feast Day is tomorrow May 22) who always makes what seems impossible, possible. She gives me a rose each year that I cherish. She is always showing me that what I thought was impossible is possible through her intercession. I too love St. Joseph and Mary Mother of Our Lord.
Tracy says
Wonderful advice. We did the very thing the letter writer did just last year. Yes, it has been er, interesting? with our families. I responded to them just the way Leila describes (yay me!) Is everything all perfect now? No of course not. The anxiety level is down though and we've grown much closer as an individual family. I know this is where God wants us and that level peace alone is what I go back to when the naysayers and doubts come sliding back around. Our parents are still scratching their heads, but they are no longer 'worried' about us. Oh and St. Joseph is a huge partof our story, you can depend on his prayers. and mine too. God Bless you!
Mystie says
I have that book on my shelf! I must read it!
Anne says
Dear Aunt Leila, I don't know if this is the right place for this, but I humbly ask for your prayers. I will be undergoing surgery in June and need to do a liquid diet for 4 weeks. I am on day 1 and find it so difficult already, weak, hungry headaches. Sometimes I feel God doesn't hear me. Thank you for listening.
_Leila says
Anne, I prayed at Mass for you! Have you found info on nourishing broths and good wholesome liquids? Don't do jello and canned soup. You need nourishment! Soon your body will adjust and you will make it! Also, offer up this thing you have to go through for something big!! Something your heart desires!!
DeirdreLMLD says
Anne, are smoothies allowed? If not heavy ones, maybe just turning to the blender as one coping method…? I don't know much about liquid diets, but I know that there are a bajillion smoothie recipes out there that incorporate lots of healthy foods (they're constantly all over pinterest).
Melissa Diskin says
prayers for you as well as for the original poster. And Auntie Leila may know this already, but did you know that you can throw a chicken carcass into a slow cooker and keep cooking it for days? Homemade chicken stock is like a medicine, and you won't feel peckish. ….Just throw a meaty carcass in, cover it with water and put the lid on. Cook on low for around 12 hrs. Drain half (to drink or store in jars in the fridge or freezer), fill up with enough water to cover again, and keep cooking on low. Super nourishing to drink by itself, although I like it best with salt, a clove of pressed garlic, and a squeeze of lime. I think I kept mine going for 4 days until I couldn't spare the fridge room. 🙂
DeirdreLMLD says
I agree with my mom that it's very encouraging to read this letter from Anonymous Reader. It actually makes me think about the poor folks in Oklahoma who must be devastated right now at the loss of homes and possessions and livelihood — but think about how many people must be saying, “Well thank God we still have each other!” or “at least the tornado didn't take my little ones!” In the end, the things are just not important compared to the life we share with loved ones. And for the very unfortunate people who lost loved ones – wouldn't they give their houses a hundred times over to have those people back?
sjohnston522 says
You might read a little about Elizabeth Ann Seton. Our family has a special devotion to her. Her story in brief, if you don't know it: She lived in NYC just after the Revolution. She converted to Catholicism after the death of her husband. She was ostracized by the high society she was a part of. She packed up her five children and moved to the middle of the woods in Maryland. There she founded an order of religious sisters who more or less began the Catholic school movement in the US.
She was a mother who knew about making strange choices in the face of misunderstanding.
Virginia says
She certainly was a wonderful woman. I traveled to Emmitsburg with my parents a few years ago to visit her shrine up there. Talk about fortitude!
Colleen Martin says
Home is where the heart is, and it sounds like this woman's heart has already moved out f their dream home and into one where she can stay at home. Congrats to them, I wish I could do the same!
Barbara says
Great post. So many women's desires to do what they know to be good is pushed down by societal goals.
When I made the decision to homeschool many years ago my mother told me she did not support my decision. Talk about a punch in the gut. She did not understand that (most) Catholic schools were not the same as they were when I was little. She thought I was making a judgment about what she chose for her children. So my one additional piece of advice (from a gray-haired mom!) is, consider the source. If your best friend and her husband are mortgaged to the hilt and working long hours, she is not likely to say, “Wow! Great move!” She might feel that way somewhere deep down, but to admit it would be to admit her goals are out of line.
The Blessed Mother is a great saint to ask for prayers — the mother of all mothers!
Donna L. says
Yes, Barbara, my Mum felt the same way when we chose home education for our kids. She was a public school teacher, {as I was before children}, and takes it personally…sigh
Donna L. says
*Part of growing up is realizing that you can't wait for affirmation from others to do what you know is right. Or rather, as you have already done this, I should say that you have to accept the aftermath of this resolution, which is to continue to go forward without the nice pats that would be so helpful*
Thank you for this….My husband and I have lived pretty much our whole marriage like this…without any support that would have made the tough times so much easier! We have clung to each other, and have become stronger for it…
I'm afraid my Mum “does” think I married a jerk. She also thinks I joined a cult {Our Catholic church} so I'm sure I'm a huge disappointment to her. She loves our children, and tries to help when she is here, so for that I am thankful for her.
Chris says
Amazing.
Thank you for sharing this…I'll be spreading it around as well.
donnamarie says
Beautiful! Thank you!
Susan says
Wow, Leila, your posts always knock my socks off, but this one has my head spinning too! As usual, your words reinforce and brilliantly articulate something which was already occurring to me in some fashion, but then you clarify it and take it even further.
My main dilemma is not down-sizing (we halved our mortgage when we halved our square footage 8 years ago), but whether to take the plunge and become Catholic. When I am honest with myself, I know that issues of maturity (or its lack) and approval-seeking are confusing my thought process. I can't get the world's voice out of my head long enough to make a decision, let alone accept the consequences of my choices. I travel in some very liberal circles, and as I move towards a Catholic way of thinking about family and its role in the world, my honest expressions of who I am and what I believe ruffles feathers. Don't know if you've ever posted about your own conversion experience or if it is connected with the topics of this post, but I would love to read it sometime.
_Leila says
Susan, I will someday share my conversion with you here on the blog. For now, let me say this: I am praying for you to find good friends! GOOD friends — ones who want what is best for you.
Maybe you can pray for these friends, and then keep your eye out for them. God will send angels to you to help you.
Keep looking. And feel free to write to me privately.
Meg says
Thank you, Auntie!!
I've encountered this issue already as a 24 year old girl, and I'm not even married or have a family. My parents struggle to understand why I want to have a big family and balk at the idea of NFP. Your examples for responses are great – considering their concerns with respect and responding in love. Also, I really appreciated you bringing up who can “take the hit.” It hadn't really occurred to me before (not being married and all), but it's a great reminder I won't be alone in these decisions!
Quick question: any reading material suggestions for better understanding family leadership and the roles of the father and mother in the family? thank you!
Jill W says
Thank you! I re-read your post on telling frowning relatives another baby is coming, squared my shoulders and told them (baby #8!!!) and then came home and read this while I dried my tears! Thank you! You support, your clarity, your encouragement are just what I needed. Thank you for that and for the obvious joy you find in your home and family. You're welcome to stop by any time to sit and chat and meet the kids!
Jill W.
DeirdreLMLD says
Congratulations on your upcoming 8th, Jill! What a legacy you'll have. That's awesome.
Monica says
Congratulations on baby #8!
Dixie says
Congratulations on baby #8, Jill! Thank you for bringing more love into this world!
_Leila says
Yay Jill! What a joy!
Betsy M says
Hi Jill – I just wanted to add my congratulations. I am from a family with 8 kids so that number holds a very special place in my heart. We will pray for you and your new little one.
Anne-Marie says
There is lots of good advice here, but I disagree about invoking your husband's leadership. To do so sows seeds of division between your husband and his in-laws, which is bad to begin with. Furthermore, the very idea that you submit to your husband may itself be problematic to your mother, and hence something best brought up separately from the difficult question of downsizing and simplifying. Finally, describing the decision as your husband's suggests that you are covertly on your mother's side, and thus it creates at least the appearance of division between you and your husband.
Robin E says
Dear Auntie Leila
Wonderful post, as usual! I would like to echo Meg's request for reading suggestions on gender roles in marriage and the family. The Lenten reading really opened up so much for me about what marriage is really about, but since then I have had a lot of questions about how the Church envisions gender roles in marriage vs. what most of us have grown up thinking. My husband is confused by the transformation in my view of marriage, so it would help us so much to have some further guidance in this area, if possible. Of course, if you have any thoughts on the subject that you might want to share with us, that would be extra helpful! 🙂
_Leila says
Meg and Robin, please read my posts on What it means to be a woman and also on Casti Connubii. You will find them in the categories. I have done my best to explain it all! I really recommend reading Casti Connubii together, slowly, and with my notes if I may be so bold as to suggest it!
_Leila says
Anne-Marie, this is what your husband's leadership is about. There are ways of saying things. A man can say something calmly and with authority, and he himself will be surprised at how the questions dry up. This kind of leadership from men is what our society desperately needs, beginning in the home. The quiet, confident willingness to be the one who bears the burdens.
The wife too has a couple of ways she can say things. She can say things in an immature way or in a way that exudes confidence and trust in her husband's guidance. A woman's place is with her husband. The sooner the inlaws get this, the sooner everyone will have peace.
A daughter says
OH Auntie Leila, I so needed to read this! “Sometimes, to give these anxious relatives their due, they are trying to convey something that is hard to put into words but is worth hearing, even if expressed in a seemingly unhelpful way. … They don't want you to suffer, and they don't want you to make choices you may one day regret.” I wish I had known this truth before my mom died, b/c she was always worrying over me, her only child, and projecting her own worries onto me. And we got into many quarrels about such things. Now I know better why she would act t hat way. And when I did use my husband as the fall guy, for so long I thought she really didn't like him but really, she did, I think, underneath it all. Thank you. This was a healing read for me.
Almost SAHM says
Wow, this is really timely for me. We've made the decision that I'm quitting my full time, very stressful job at the end of the summer and stay home with our young daughter. I'm beginning to freak out and my husband is getting very nervous about money. I'm worried that my motives are not entirely noble here and that my real motive is to get away from a very stressful job. I do believe this is the right thing for our family but the financial aspect is really terrifying. We haven't told anyone yet so we don't have to worry about disapproval yet but I'm sure many people will think that we are crazy.
I'm really worried about loneliness. We live far away from our families and since we both work pretty crazy hours we have little time for a social life. We drive a long way to church on sunday so none of the families we know there are close by. At least at work, I have people to talk to besides my 3 year old.
I feel a little weird about this too given that we only have one child and due to infertility issues will probably not have another child. I feel like I could justify this decision a little easier if there were more kids.
Thanks for writing this.
Tracy says
Prayers for you. I understand what you mean about justifying it if there were more, but just know she is worth it. Just her alone, she's so worth it 🙂 Also-we are a family that has grown through adoption-don't make that final count just yet cause you never know what God has planned for you. God bless!
Pippajo says
“Sometimes you can let your husband take the hit. That's what leadership of the family means, by the way. It's not bossing you around. It's taking one for the team: 'Joe says this is what we need to do.' No more explanation. Mom goes away thinking, 'My daughter married a jerk.' Only, she knows you didn't and underneath it all, she gains a little more respect for him.”
Once again, you couldn't be more timely. Just three nights ago, a conversation with Redheaded Snippet that began with a few pointed questions (from her) about her relationship with a certain young man turned into a long heart-to-heart about God's plan for marriage, specifically about leadership and submission. The above quote from you illustrates so beautifully what I was trying to share with her. She and I were in the car when I checked Facebook on my phone (she was driving) and saw this post, so I read it to her immediately!
We got some strange looks when we announced that we were uprooting our family to move just 30 minutes away and live at our church AND take a pay cut because we felt God's calling to do so! And I could see the astonishment and doubt in several women's eyes when I told them I was a bit fearful but trusting in my husband's conviction that it was the right thing for our family. Women in our church even told me I must be very brave. But I rest peacefully under my husband's authority and protection, knowing that, ultimately, it's not really him that I am trusting but God THROUGH him.
Elizabeth says
Very good post ~ and the family's reasons are so valid, wanting to get rid of debt is HUGE. They are doing something wise. Reminds me of the Protestant $ writer Dave Ramsey who actually would counsel people to do just what they are, from what I understand. Our culture is big on getting things and not on prudence, frugality, a long view of things which includes saving money instead of living in the moment and spending it all. Ramsey writes on this very situation and that most people think this is a strange thing to do! Shocking really, since to be wise can avoid a lot of stress and grief later…
Chris says
Thank you for hosting!!
I love your pics., Love them.
Thank you for allowing us to link in this awesome hop at your lovely blog!
Sue says
Thanks, my dear. Love your wisdom, as always.
Katie says
Hello
I'm not a Catholic but I love you guys
Our Lord Jesus was misunderstood and frowned upon even among His own family! His Word tells us to consider it joy when we suffer in His name – not that it makes it easy!
We relocated to the other end of the country eight years ago – to the confusion of my non-christian family – because we believed that God had called us to.
When times are hard, I am reminded that we made that decision ( the subtext being that we have no-one else to blame than ourselves), but generally it is accepted and we still believe that we are where God has placed us.
Remember – Abraham obeyed and went!
Hope this makes sence
Almost SAHM says
My husband finally confessed to me that he's terrified at the prospect of being a sole provider. Now he doesn't want me to quit.
We're called to submit to our husbands and let them lead our families but what do we do when they don't want to lead?
_Leila says
Almost SAHM — I think even more than considering this in the light of submission, consider it in the light of the love you have for this person you have committed yourself to, with whom you are building your family. He is AFRAID and he has told you so.
Where does your love take you?
Think of all the places…
You have to grow together, become more unified, love each other more, understand more, talk openly, READ together (how about reading Casti Connubii together and discussing it?)…
You have to find out exactly what this fear consists of. How can you affirm him? How does he perceive his own manhood? How can you make him feel more manly? There are so many ways a man provides for his wife… do you let him do all those things?
This is a road you are on, not a set of cards you've been dealt. Pray! Trust! Enjoy each other, work together, make sure you have good happy Sundays… http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org//2009/03/l…
eclare says
Just re-reading this now, and gleaning new grains of wisdom. Thank you! Extreme simplification seems to invite criticism… but I really will meditate on your paragraph about discerning love vs. negativity. (And yes, I am the one who mentioned on Instagram that we are downsizing from our 550 sq ft house into a home we are building out of dirt, to put it simply. No-o-othing to criticize here: keep looking! Ha!)