Photo by Ryan Scott Johnson Photography |
Mainstream sources will give you all kinds of information about how to cut down on marginal costs or DIY it — by which they usually mean that, in addition to your huge expenses, you should purchase the Martha Stewart-recommended elements of such and such extremely labor-intensive crafts to add flourish to your already-elaborate day.
Okay well, that's fine. For the record, I'm all about trimming down marginal costs (e.g., I chose not to get a professional manicure and I sent out an electronic save-the-date to cut down on postage). If you're on a small budget, you must be rigorous about the marginal costs!
But what if you are a real live bride/parent-of-the-bride and you actually can't afford the standard American wedding? You want to entertain within your means and you don't want to go into debt as you start out your new life.
You need to actually cut back on the BIG expenses. You need realistic suggestions here.
(I'm finally ready to show you some wedding photos – so, here goes!)
Photo by Ryan Scott Johnson Photography |
So far, three of us daughters from LMLD have gotten married. (And one son, but we weren't planning that one.) We each loved our respective wedding days (and each others') so much and wouldn't change them for anything. They weren't perfect, but they were perfect for us, lots of fun, and full of beauty. Notably, none of us even came close to the $30,000 that the average American wedding costs.
Not even close.
Before getting to the how-to list, I have two big-picture ideas to share with anyone starting off the wedding planning process:
A. Keeping the wedding day in perspective really helps. As in, attending to the notion that you are a person with an immortal soul yet only a very small part of the cosmic universe, and this event is not actually going to define you or gain you eternal happiness (although if you approach it badly enough, it might gain you something else).
B. There is an inverse relationship between money spent and time/energy expended. The more you/your friends/family can do on your own, the less you will pay monetarily. The flip side of this is that, the less expensive your wedding is, the more hands-on it will be.
Hands-on, mind you, is not necessarily more stressful. However, you do need to be prepared if you want to enjoy it and have it work out smoothly.
If you are the kind of person who has $30,000-$50,000+ to spare in order to throw a blow-out event, by all means – knock yourself out! And please invite us, because we love a good party. The nice thing for you is that you can hire other people to take care of all the little details so that you and your friends don’t have to worry about them! Since you will pay more, you will probably also be less hands-on.
But if you, like us, don’t have that much money to spend, then know this: the more people you have on your team to be hands-on with you, the better. And if they’re skilled, that certainly helps.
Photo by Ryan Scott Johnson Photography |
In my case, I was planning my wedding mostly from a distance (not recommended). Considering that I invited about 350 guests and had a total of about 230 present, the amount my wedding ended up costing was quite modest.
My team consisted of: me; my “we-just-married-off-a-daughter-3-weeks-ago,” still-on-top-of-it parents; my committed sisters (two on-site, one at a distance [but with me]); my highly competent brothers; my extraordinarily generous brother’s awesome wife; my craftsy grandmother; my other faithful bridesmaid Lauren; my wicked supportive roommate Liz; my mom’s lovingly helpful friends; my cheerful, can-do in-laws; my dear out-laws (Rosie’s husband’s family, who live near my family and are close friends); and a few others.
In fact, putting on the wedding was almost as much of a community affair as celebrating the wedding was. It was pretty awesome.
Whether large or small, a wedding is, by nature, a public, community event. Photo by Ryan Scott Johnson Photography |
Anyway, you know what I'm talking about: Putting on a real DIY wedding is a lot of work!
I always just use the standard of the Old Village (part figment of my imagination, part historical reality, part inspiration from Kristen Lavransdatter): how do you think they threw a big party in the back in the Old Village?
Well, everybody helped!
1. The Reception Venue
Photo by Ryan Scott Johnson Photography |
If you can find a venue off the beaten wedding path, you will save money.
The key thing to keep in mind is that wedding industry prices are pretty much always inflated. Wedding-specific venues will be no different.
Because I had my wedding reception in the town hall right by my church (the same one where Rosie had her wedding reception), I paid way, way less than I would have for a venue designed specifically to make major moolah off of brides. As you know, Suki had her wedding in our friends’ barn.
I got to bring in my own MC/DJ: My brother Will. He's great with a microphone. Photo by Ryan Scott Johnson Photography |
The non-standard venue also gave me the flexibility to bring in the food/catering of my choice, design my own schedule, etc. Just starting with a more flexible venue allowed me to cut back costs on several other key elements of the day.
Photo by Ryan Scott Johnson Photography |
2. The Meal
Find a caterer who can be flexible, so that you can cut back not just on the overall cost, but on the costs of individual parts of the meal. Or team up with friends to provide your own meal!
Some people manage the remarkable task of skipping the caterer altogether and pulling together their own meal. If your off-beat venue included a reasonable kitchen, it could be done without too much strain, really, if you have savvy people on your team. (We didn't have the kitchen option.)
My father-in-law, one of the many who helped set up the hall the day before, listening to my father's toast. Photo by Ryan Scott Johnson Photography |
You want the type of caterer who does all sorts of events, not an upscale wedding caterer. If the company is used to providing everything from a sandwich buffet for a funeral to a picnic barbecue to a company dinner, you'll get more value.
2. Think carefully about whether it's really important to you to have china plates and other costly add-ons. We had real stemware and utensils, and high-quality paper plates and napkins, and it was just fine. And a lot cheaper!
You may be able to hire the caterer for the main course alone, or perhaps hire your own servers from a less expensive source.
Photo by Ryan Scott Johnson Photography |
For my wedding, my mom hashed out the meal in great detail to make sure we knew exactly what we’d be paying, and then she shopped for paper goods herself. If we had wanted, we could have provided the appetizers rather than paying him to do it. We found out that having his servers around longer than necessary would cost us significantly by the hour.
Rather than paying for a wedding cake and the caterer's servers, I had Rosie make my wedding cakes, and a dear family friend and some of my former dance students were in charge of cutting and serving them, buffet style.
Rosewater almond cake. I made the pinwheel decals using scrapbooking paper. Photo by Ryan Scott Johnson Photography |
Let me repeat that: Rosie made my wedding cakes. They were amazing. We served them with homemade strawberry sauce and homemade whipped cream. Everything was made in advance.
Chocolate lager cake (made with the leftover beer from Suki's wedding! That's frugal, baby.). Photo by Ryan Scott Johnson Photography |
Doing the cake this way was less expensive, more hands-on, and a personal touch that meant a lot to me.
Photo by Ryan Scott Johnson Photography |
2a. The alcohol is also a large expense. If you can purchase your own alcohol rather than using what’s provided by a venue or caterer, you’re better off.
I’d also like to take this moment to say that hard alcohol is not necessary. Many folks feel obligated to serve it, or they have relatives who threaten not to come unless there’s an open bar, etc.
I think all this pressure is a pity. Guests are there to celebrate a wedding, not a drink!
The champagne flutes were a gift from my godmother, my Aunt Ellen. Photo by Ryan Scott Johnson Photography |
At my wedding (and my sisters’), we served champagne for toasts and there was plenty of beer and wine with dinner. I also had sangria during my “cocktail hour.” You know what? Our guests were happy. The dancing didn't let up at my wedding and the spirits were high. (On the plus side, no one got too messy and no one was taken ill [to put it nicely].)
If you can’t afford an open bar, just don’t have one! Your party will still be fun. Your loved ones want to celebrate your union, and that’s the important thing. Our attitude was, “as long as there’s something for the toasts!”
If you can afford an open bar, great! I’ll have a White Russian, please.
3. The Dress
Suki has already done a post on how to think outside the box in order to get a great deal on a wedding gown. (Be sure to read the comments.)
Photo by Ryan Scott Johnson Photography |
One good thing to keep in mind is that even the standard route for lower-budget wedding gowns can be more costly than a hands-on approach.
I had a friend tell me that she bought a dress from David’s Bridal and paid a low price for it – but then she ended up paying much more because of all of the add-ons. Because the dress came with accompanying expensive undergarments, petticoat, matching veil, etc., in the end, it added up, even from David’s!
My brothers-in-law were groomsmen. Photo by Ryan Scott Johnson Photography |
Before you drop $1000-$1500 on a gown (which would be extremely easy to do), think about other options. Maybe you have a friend who would let you borrow the gown she wore, or maybe your mom’s dress could work with a little makeover. Dig through the vintage dresses in the consignment shop, and you might luck out like Suki! Perhaps you have a loved one who would actually enjoy making your dress for you.
There are a lot of beautiful white dresses out there. If you take the plunge to stand out from the crowd, you could end up saving a lot of money by steering clear of the overpriced boutiques. Keep in mind that your look will be completed by a fancy hairstyle, special jewelry, a veil, and flowers – you will be radiant no matter what!
It can also be fun to have an interesting story that goes along with your dress. Although I did spend a fair amount getting my dress altered, let it be known that I negotiated my seamstress down by about $200. Always negotiate!
4. The Photography.
Photo by Ryan Scott Johnson Photography |
If you can discover an emerging artist rather than an established pro, the difference is an enormous chunk of change!
Wedding photography can cost you anywhere from $0-$10,000. The pricing will vary according to your location and maybe your wedding date.
Immediately after getting engaged, I researched mainstream photographers until my eyes nearly broke from looking at wedding pictures, and could barely find a soul in the Massachusetts area who would charge less than $3000 for the day.
Photo by Ryan Scott Johnson Photography |
Then, following a friend’s recommendation, I went on Craigslist and came across the man who would end up doing my wedding for a much better price. I caught him at just the right time; he told me that we were the last couple whose wedding he’d be shooting independently, and after that he’d be under new management and more expensive. I was able to negotiate with him to get his price to meet my budget, and the deal was made! We agreed that I would get all photo rights to the images right after the wedding, so that there’d be no added cost of buying the prints or anything like that (beware the hidden costs of photography!).
Finalists — and newlyweds! — in the Most Outrageous Tango Competition. Photo by Ryan Scott Johnson Photography |
Going off of the beaten path is helpful. Many photographers are just trying to break into the scene and they need to shoot weddings to build up their portfolios. Many are even willing to travel a distance to get that opportunity. You’ll need to dig in order to find them, but it could be well worth your time.
Maybe you have a friend who’s a skilled photographer or considering becoming a professional? That person might give you the chance to keep your costs down!
Photo by Ryan Scott Johnson Photography |
Some people approach the wedding as one big photo op. Don’t fall into that trap.
Despite what many people (and especially photographers) say, the pictures are actually not the only part of your wedding day that lasts. Ummm. How about the marriage itself?
Some Jai Ho action. Photo by Ryan Scott Johnson Photography |
Celebrate your day properly and find someone who can capture it on film without leaving you in debt. Your affordable photographer is out there!
Photo by Ryan Scott Johnson Photography |
Plan to cut back costs dramatically by skipping the florist!
My sister-in-law was flower girl and my girlfriend Lauren was the third bridesmaid. Photo by Ryan Scott Johnson Photography |
For all three of our weddings, we DIYed the flowers, ordering from Costco online and bloomsbythebox.com, and using some home-grown specimens.
For my own wedding, I assembled all of the bouquets, boutonnieres, and corsages, while my family/bridesmaids and my future in-laws decorated our venue and set up all the table bouquets. Rosie would have helped but this time around she was busy with getting the choir ready and baking cakes and juggling Pippo, who was sick at the time (poor thing).
Photo by Ryan Scott Johnson Photography |
I absolutely love arranging flowers, so for me this was a great way to spend the morning and early afternoon before heading off to my rehearsal. Yes, it was a crunch, but it was fun, and it saved me a lot of money.
If you’re not up for arranging your own, maybe you have a friend who can do it for you? Keep in mind that your friend(s) would very likely consider it an honor to be able to assist you in this way, and it could be her/their wedding gift to you.
In August I made the wedding bouquet for my girlfriend and trust me, I considered it a privilege! In January I’ll be acting as amateur florist for another acquaintance in order to save her money, too. It’s so much fun!
For the record, boutonnieres are very easy to make. Corsages are trickier. Nick and Natasha sport them well, don't you think? Photo by Ryan Scott Johnson Photography |
When the Artist and I returned from our honeymoon, we caught up with friends after church on Sunday. I spoke with a friend whose family had been heavily involved in helping us plan. She and her mom and her siblings had truly accompanied my family during the busy weeks leading up to the wedding and were a huge help to us.
I was thanking her and reflecting on how much they and all our friends had helped. She told me that she had enjoyed it and she thought everyone else did, too: “People like to be involved. It's nice to be part of it,” she said.
My friend Sara, who did my hair as well as my bridesmaids'. Photo by Ryan Scott Johnson Photography |
I think she's right. I would help with everyone's wedding if I could!
Other posts in this series:
Timeline of the Indispensable Bridesmaid
Google Docs Bride: the Virtual Guest List
The Wholesome, Good-Times Reception
How to get the Wedding Reception you Really Want
10 Practical Tips for a Calm Wedding Morning
Encouragement for the Stressed-Out Bride, or, The Secret to Happy Wedding Planning
Lori says
Sooo much here to agree with! I get asked to be the coordinator for quite a few weddings (one of the only good applications for a bossy woman!), and without compare the best weddings, the most memorable and personal weddings, are the ones where the community of friends and family make it happen, particularly if the bride has taken time to really think through what is important to her and what doesn't matter much. Also, the MOST VITAL component of an incredible wedding is that the bride and groom have spent much more energy and thought planning for the *marriage* to follow than the ceremony/reception! Nothing is sadder than to have attended a gorgeously planned and orchestrated wedding, only to watch the marriage fail to thrive afterward.
_Jessica says
This whole post made me smile! It's so, so good to see other people focusing on the sacrament, and doing things beautifully, but not expensively! In the end, it is just a big party, isn't it?!
When I got married two years ago my family and friends did it all – home reception, homemade food, decorations…all the way down to most of the clothes for the wedding party! I made the wedding cakes the day before, and my matron of honor did my flowers. I always try to remember the people who helped in a special way – it was such a blessing to have their help! We had a solemn high nuptial mass, and a friend lead the choir, there were people I didn't even know singing! I feel like that's how it's supposed to be. It's wonderful to share it with other people. It was a lot of work, but I wouldn't trade the way everything turned out for anything!
Deirdre says
I'm impressed you made your own wedding cakes! That's awesome.
Sounds like a beautiful day! 🙂
Handymanlihood says
I did almost all those things! Things have changed so much in recent years with so many more ideas available online, I feel very blessed that we were able to navigate our choices in this frugal way largely on our own 10 years ago, when Martha Stewart was really all that was out there for weddings. We did order a cake, but we also had friends and family make cookies for a cookie bar to supplement the modest cake, so 4.5 out of 5 isn't bad;) I always felt so blessed to have found my photographer. I got her just at the cusp of the big break in her career, when she'd just started. It was still my biggest expense, and she is now a huge name and charges more than 10 times what I paid ($14,000-gasp!). I'd like to think I had great taste, but mostly, I'd say I was lucky, lol.
Deirdre says
Fun! What a triumph!
Nancy says
Thank you for this post that emphasizes involvement and creativity in planning a wedding. My daughter was telling me she attended a 90,000.00 dollar wedding/reception last weekend (information that was shared). Of course it was very nice but I believe when you have participation in a celebration, the celebration is more meaningful
To everyone involved. Great post !
maggie says
let's open a (undercover) flower shop, D.
Deirdre says
Sounds fun!
Cassie M. says
Oh my goodness. I'm bookmarking this right now. Deirdre, I'm seriously thankful for all your tips! It's like wading through a swamp out there to find good advice.
Deirdre says
I'm so glad, Cassie. I know – the wedding industry is largely detached from reality. You can count on LMLD for reality, if nothing else! 😉
Pippi says
I loved my wedding because so many friends helped out! Old friends did the photography and then delivered the pictures to us via waterski the next week. A friend made my dress and it gave me a chance to see her before she and her family moved to South Africa and I knew the money I spent on it (much less than at David's) was going straight into her pocket to help her out. We took public transit from the ceremony to the reception since we're big transit advocates and my dad was instrumental in making the line happen. My childhood friend's mother, a florist, did my bouquet and that was her gift to me. Friends of my dad's who he'd helped out in the past jumped at the chance to host my reception at their restaurant — at cost! I felt so loved by all these wonderful people. I went into my wedding with the idea that it was a chance to celebrate with our friends and family. Everyone wanted to have a good time and would have had one even if we'd had a backyard barbecue (I had friends who did this and it was a blast). We had a great day and even more importantly — as you point out — a happy marriage today.
Deirdre says
That sounds truly amazing, Pippi! An authentically good time!
Alex says
This is SO lovely – I love the brilliant Lawler creativity!! Can your next blog please be about “How To Save Lots of Money in the Married Life?”
Alex L. says
P.S. Could I just pay you to do the flowers at my wedding?! WOW!
Deirdre says
Haha – if I'm available, I'd love to help out with your flowers! You never know…
Debbie says
Excellent post, Deirdre- and spectacular wedding photos! For my own wedding I had actually wanted a simple, small-circle-of-loved-ones-by-the-campfire-out-in-the-desert type party, but my husband's family (read: my mother-in-law) nixed that (my parents, on the other hand, actually offered to pay us to elope!). What bothers me about weddings is the waste, even when the parties can afford it; and any newlywed, unless he or she has a rather large trust fund, could better put all those tens of thousands to some other, more lasting use: Buying furniture, for instance, enjoying a honeymoon, beginning to save- whatever. And I think that the tendency with the overdone wedding, no matter how level-headed the couple was to start with, is to become too focused on the event itself, and to overlook the heart of it, which you obviously never lost sight of: the marriage. And the fact that you were able to get so many people involved of course made it just so much more meaningful- to them, not just to you. In short, lovely post: I am going to make sure Amiya reads it!
Deirdre says
Thanks, Debbie.
I agree. On the one hand, it is nice when people who are fortunate with money can invest in a beautiful, tasteful event, and there is a place for that. For instance, we all would have been very disappointed if the Duchess Kate had had a low-budget, plain affair!
But you're right that on the other hand, it just gets to be a circus sometimes and spending money on the day is an end unto itself… wasteful. :-/
Melissa Diskin says
When everything is turned up to 11, so to speak, a wedding can seem wasteful. But for my own wedding I knew that flowers meant so much to me and my husband, so we spent money on those and far less on everything else, especially since we paid for it all ourselves and in cash. And then we gave those flowers away to everyone who came, so they could enjoy them, too. Our cake was cheapish but so, so tasty — people are still talking about our cake!
This was 10 years ago, before the explosion of DIY and increasing competency at getting things done yourself, so we just paid as we went and did our best. I did draw the line at goody bags so that I could afford pretty chairs! I don't think anyone missed the bags. And I don't do them for my kids' parties now, which is so liberating!
I think the tears on everyone's faces as we came down the aisle with our parents said everything– we'd both had rough roads to finding each other and everyone was so, so happy for us.
HollyElise says
A topic near and dear to my heart!
When Teacherman and I got engaged, we talked about how the big expensive weddings focus so much on The Wedding Day, and not enough on Marriage/Married Life.
So, we decided to have a teensy tiny ceremony (just us, the pastor and his wife, and our parents and siblings). Then we invited our friends and extended family to a Celebration of Marriage, a few days later (for our Canadian crowd) and a few months later (for the Hawaiian side). It worked beautifully!
Our wedding day was beautiful and meaningful, and our parties were fantastic!
My wedding dress was from an upscale mall store – it wasn't actually a wedding dress :p but it was gorgeous and I love it (and it cost about $300). My husband got his suit for about the same. Since we had no wedding party, the flowers cost about $60 – my bouquet and his bouttoniere. The church we were married in doesn't charge for weddings, and my parents gifted us the first party (they rented a local hall, and the food was mostly pot-luck!). Teacherman's parents gifted us the second party – we all pitched in with food and decorations.
I wouldn't trade my calm, relaxed, beautiful wedding for all the fancy-schmaciness in the world!
Deirdre says
Nice! I say – who cares where your dress is from?! The point is that it be white and that it look beautiful! Who says it has to be from a bridal place specifically!
Mary says
What a wonderful post Deirdre! I think these tips could be applied to planning any large party. Next August my husband and I will be celebrating our 25th Wedding Anniversary. We will be renewing our vows. When we married years ago, my husband was not Catholic so we had a shortened ceremony with readings and our vows but did not have a Mass. He came into the church in 1999, so now we will get to celebrate properly with a full Mass…I am so excited. We will be having a small reception afterward. I am so looking forward to applying some of your tips to planning that day.
Deirdre says
Aw, that's beautiful that you get to have the Catholic event now after all these years. Wow. Congratulations!
bit says
Great list! It sounds a lot like what we did to save money.
We also planned a distance wedding, but it was essential for certain older family members to be able to attend, in part because we were on the other side of the country from everyone.
We saved by some of the ways you mentioned as well as a couple others. We did our reception at the same hotel as the reserved rooms, and our wedding at a church. We saved a lot by doing an Italian buffet for the reception, and skipping alcohol entirely. We got our 2 layer sheet cake from the local grocery store bakery, and it was delicious for very little. I also had my dress made by a seamstress, and while it was more expensive than getting a dress second-hand, it was exactly right for me, and way less than getting one new and having to pay for alterations. I really wanted a video-grapher but it was way out of our budget. We saved a lot by searching for a photographer willing to do an a la carte deal, instead of forcing us into a package with a bunch of stuff we didn't want (it was around half the lowest package cost we could find, iirc). We didn't do any real flowers because of my allergies – instead I bought wood flowers for a bouquet, and we used a large fan to decorate the altar. On the reception tables, we did small paper fans and origami shapes.
The other big way we saved money was to invite relatives only. The only friends attending were in the wedding party, and we kept that small (1 attendant each). So, we had a total of about 40 people, although we'd sent out invitations for about 70.
Deirdre says
Good point: individual photographers can have a wide range of price options. Sounds lovely!
Kari says
I completely agree! My aunt did the flowers, our friends made all the food, we used a friend of a friend as a photographer, a friend makes wedding cakes and made ours as a gift. Unfortunately, the photographer was a flake and wasn't artistic nor timely. We have what look like personal photos and we didn't get them until a year later. What a huge disappointment! Pictures really are important (not more than the marriage of course) but I recommend being Very careful with photographers!
Deirdre says
How disappointing! I'm sorry that happened to you. :-/
I do agree that photography is important. It was a huge priority for me, which is why it was almost the first thing I began planning. I knew that I wanted great photos but I also knew I was limited by a budget…
For any brides booking photography now, there are useful resources online for lists of questions you should ask potential photographers.
Kari, I'm sure you have great memories nonetheless!
ayearinskirts says
WOW! Such a lovely wedding!!! I'm super impressed. I'll tuck away these thoughts for when my daughters are of age. I've only ever been to one DIY wedding, and while so different from the standard, it was still a lovely lovely wedding and day.
Kelsey says
What beautiful photos! I've been waiting to see more of your wedding!
I love your advice, especially the point about time/personal effort and money having an inverse relationship when planning a wedding. I just want to bring up one thing I learned while planning my wedding last June. I wasn't planning long-distance, but my family is far away. My in-laws are near, and perhaps I just didn't ask for enough help, but being the primary planner was super stressful for me, especially as the big day drew nearer. We did a lot of what you suggested – alas, we still spent more than we wanted, though not $30,000! – and I wouldn't change it. It was beautiful. But I would suggest that brides who are getting married somewhere other than their hometown, who perhaps do not have as many familial supporters surrounding them as you were blessed to, consider the merits of package deals and all-inclusive wedding receptions. Of course, you don't want to be paying exorbitant amounts, and you want a reception venue with soul. But just like it isn't really ordered to spend an outrageous amount on some flamboyant affair, it is also not good to spend months really stressed out. Of course, working with very good vendors helps, too! Know thyself, brides, know thy limits, and know thy options.
I also second Kari's comment on the importance of a good photographer. You do not need to blow your budget on this, but I do think the pictures are sooooo important!
Deirdre says
Thanks, Kelsey!
You make a very good point. I definitely could not have done it on my own!
Sharon says
You are so right when you said that some photographers regard the wedding as one big photo op! I really don't like my daugter's wedding album because everyone looks so stiff and unnatural; the bride and bridesmaids were made to look as if they were doing a modelling shoot – the dresses were more important than the people in them.
Janet says
Beautiful, just beautiful!
Deidre, you really should consider publishing this advice, especially in the day of 'looming fiscal cliffs'. Many young women would love to know how to do what you did.
I have a question – do you know who the architect of your parish church was? It looks remarkably like mine in Philadelphia and it was designed by Patrick Keely. He left many beautiful churches up and down the East Coast. http://www.keelysociety.com/
Deirdre says
Wow, I love the work by Keely on the website you shared! I didn't find our church on that list, but it definitely looks like a similar style.
I don't know who was the architect of our church, but I believe that it was erected by Irish immigrants in a time of not-so-great prosperity. It is truly magnificent, and a testament to faith being put to great action. Men like Keely left a tremendous gift and I have so much admiration for them. These churches go to show what can be done when people invest in their faith, their town, future generations, etc.
Julie says
Great advice – you make a beautiful bride!
Deirdre says
Thank you, Julie!
I'd Rather Not Say says
Thanks for sharing all this. You had a beautiful wedding!
I was wondering if you have any input on having a DIY/community wedding, but keeping it yours? We had something like this 11 years ago, and I was very thankful for what everyone did, but I felt like it just ran away from me with all the people helping! Really, I'm not a control freak, but the wedding was nothing like what I would have wanted. People would offer to help with something, I'd agree, and then they would take off with it. I just wanted simple, and it turned out crazily big and fancy and involved. I kept hearing people saying “[my name] really wants it this way,” and I had never even thought of the things they were saying. It was so weird. “Of course the flowers have to be pink! This is for [my name], after all!” But pink is just about the one color that I didn't want. And so on.
Anyway, we survived. They had their big day. Our marriage is just fine. What you said here, “this event is not actually going to define you or gain you eternal happiness,” is very true. 🙂
But I'm already thinking about someday when my little daughters are grown up….
Deirdre says
Aw! On the one hand, it's lovely that you have so many people who care about you! But on the other hand, I can definitely see that being a bit frustrating and/or disappointing.
I don't know… maybe it's just that I *am* a bit more of a control freak… But even I did feel that there's a certain amount of 'letting go' that has to happen when you're doing the planning this way.
I will say that technology was my dear friend throughout the process, especially planning from a distance. I was able to communicate ideas to everyone through email, etc., and I could refer people to my wedding pinterest board so that they could see my vision for the day, etc. Maybe that helped keep us all on the same page with me directing. I knew I had to be very organized, since my wedding was coming right off of Suki's. (I might do a post about this process.)
But mostly I just lucked out, probably.
I'd Rather Not Say says
That might be exactly the answer: having strong opinions (and Pinterest!) would have helped. Maybe that's what I need to take away for my daughters. Encourage them to carefully think out what they want before asking for help. Anyway, they're 5 and 7, so we have a while before we get to that point. 🙂 Thanks!
Anne-Marie says
The tradeoff of time and effort vs money applies to almost any endeavour, but when in a big undertaking such as a wedding it becomes more important.
May I ask about the process of finding all the help–did people volunteer, or did you just ask them to help? I would feel a little awkward asking people, in effect, to work for me for free. I wouldn't ask a friend to pay for a commercial wedding cake, for instance, and asking her to make one seems little different.
We did not have a wedding photographer at all, though a friend did orchestrate some semi-organized group shots. All the rest of our wedding pictures are snapshots by family or friends, and 25 years later I am still perfectly happy with them.
Deirdre says
I guess among friends it worked out, because a lot of it was really just straight-up asking. Fortunately, there's a sense in the community of what goes around comes around, and more friends/daughters just recently married off or very soon to be married off in the future, so plenty of chances to repay.
With some people it was a matter of asking to hire them and them very graciously offering to do it without pay (and then, after the fact, giving back in a modest payment as part of saying thanks!).
Part of it is really taking the leap with a big request but also making it very clear that they can turn it down if they're not up for it. For instance, I initially asked my dear friend to make my cake, and she really wanted to, but she ultimately decided she couldn't on top of travel and handling a little one. And that was fine!
A lot of people, particularly my mom's friends, just came forward and volunteered. We're talking ladies swinging by the house and just seeing what needs to be done, or bumping into us after daily Mass and saying, “Let me know what task I can take care of.”
Anne-Marie says
Thank you. That makes a lot of sense–that it flows out of pre-existing relationships. I wouldn't hesitate to ask my sister or my mother-in-law for help, but I don't think I have as many of that kind of friend as your mother does!
_Leila says
True, Anne-Marie, but don't forget: You build those relationships by
offering and taking the risk and trying to imagine what people might
need and how to be available to them. And then they get the idea! At
least, that's what my friends did for me…
Mary says
Lovely! THanks for sharing such helpful tips and beautiful snapshots. Any chance of hearing a bit about the hair-do's?
Maria says
Great article, lots of helpful ideas!
Here's a couple of more tips:
Get married right after Easter or Christmas and the church will already have lots of beautiful flowers.
Choose a bridesmaid dress you like and order it in white.
tiphainel says
Thanks for the article. I have been married for a few years now but it's always such a joy to think about the little details of people's important days 🙂
Anyway, I loved the braidemaids dresses (especially the one on the Tango picture) did you have those made or were they from a shop? (which shop/pattern?)
Gretchen says
This is just awesome! I am getting married in Sept '13 and planning a very similar wedding as you. I feel like I've read every bride magazine, blog, website, YouTube tutorial, wedding planning checklist, inspiration boards and heard advice and opinions from anyone and everyone (!!) but the thing that sets your post apart is that yours is that your whole focus is the Sacrament of Matrimony and new vocation that you celebrate. I love that! Thanks for the pics, advice, suggestions, humor, and pleasurable, refreshing reading; I can't wait to revisit (and revisit and revisit and..) this post over the next few months. God bless you and your hubby!
DeirdreLMLD says
Hi Gretchen! I'm so glad you found it helpful. Best wishes for the next six months, happy planning, and good luck with all the details! I hope you enjoy it and have a beautiful day!
Barbara says
Thank you for linking to this post again. My son just became engaged and we have two years to plan while they finish college. Fortunately her parents and we are all on the same page about keeping costs reasonable. This post is so great about pointing out the places to save money, but how important it is to keep things all in perspective as well.
DeirdreLMLD says
Congrats! Hopefully they will be very busy so the long time passes quickly before the big day!
Two years leaves a lot of time for DIY projects!
affordable video... says
I think that is all marriage described. Marriage is based on the anthropological truth that men and women are complementary, the biological fact that reproduction depends on a man and a woman, and the social reality that children need a mother and a father…
jan zuber says
Real awesome stuff. Kudos for the planner!
Tinashe says
I really like the photo of the groomsman doing what looks like a breakdance. Lol, this must've been a good day. What suburb was the venue? We had ours in Arundel in the Gold Coast.
Richard says
Thanks for sharing these really great tips.
barry274 says
great article and superb pictures, bridesmaids look amazing
Victoria Milan says
Thanks so much for writing this article! Can't wait to get married next summer 🙂 <3
Sydney Invitations says
Great tips on how to save money