So I thought I’d take a tiny break from breaking news (although I know that a good portion of you are also hoping to see some more details of various fun wedding-type stuff – so torn am I!) to get back to the nitty-gritty job that I gave myself of handing out advice.
Remember, my only qualification is that I’ve done all this for 33 years now. I’ve sat at the kitchen table with lots of ladies who’ve done it for just as long, and we’ve hashed it all out on your behalf.
Anyway, I had promised you a Picky Eaters post, and here it is. No doubt we will be answering lots of questions, but let me remind you to be sure to read the other posts in the series about Eating Dinner Together.
This funny place is making it so that we just don’t know what do to about food. We are anxious. And one of the things we are anxious about is that our children seem so picky.
So let’s clear a few things up, if we can.
I am not really going to talk about the first kind, other than to tell you to wake up and see if this is what you have going. These children, with their insistence on clinging to the familiar, and their sense that things will come apart if they are forced to eat something different, are desperately trying to control their untenable situation. So if you are divorcing your husband, drinking before lunch, self-medicating, or otherwise destabilizing your child’s life, then take the picky eating for what it is: The only way he has to communicate with you. It’s a message in a bottle. Open it up and understand that it’s not about getting him to take a bite of broccoli; it’s about getting your life in order so that he can trust you again.
A subset of this kind of behavior is the child who has his own, really serious, issues. I know that autistic children often become frantic about food, but that’s all I know. I’m no expert in this area. I will tell you that only you, the person who loves him, can ultimately know what is good for him. Again, treating the symptom – the picky eating – isn’t the answer.
It seems to me that the way to distinguish this kind of trouble – the trouble that you can’t really fix with a blog post – is to try to see your child objectively. Is your child unhealthy looking? Too pale? Lacking bright eyes? Too thin? Unable to run, jump, and shout? This objectivity is hard. It’s hard to admit that things aren’t right, and I don’t really know how to help, except to say that we all do say that we would do anything for a child…
The second kind of picky eating is more cheerful, so let’s talk about that.
Here’s an email I received – does this sound familiar?
Dear Leila,
How would you approach a super picky eater? My 6 year old will not and has not touched a fruit or vegetable in a long time. Spaghetti sauce and pizza sauce and some occasional apple pieces or blueberry/strawberry kefir or some juice would be the closest he comes.
Trust me, I try. I remove dessert and sweets and crackers, nothing shakes him.
He does seem to have a texture aversion. Even reaching into a pumpkin to carve it makes him sick… He tried a carrot and literally threw up. I'm really stuck. I do try to make sure he eats well otherwise, milk/water to drink, vitamins; he loves fish and yogurt and meat. But anything, even baked beans, that comes close to being veggie or fruit makes him run the other way.
His well visit is coming up and I cringe. She always asks about his diet. I do worry about his health, though his weight is good and he appears quite healthy.
What to do?
God bless,
Josie
Here’s what to do.
First, get a grip on your inner Alpha. Act, don’t react. {And don't worry about the doctor. I've known lots of doctors, and I can say for sure that their children aren't always eating from all the food groups, to put it mildly. Because children don't, as a rule. Just tell her that you are working on it, and you are just glad he's healthy.}
Yes, you do have to coax some children to eat. Everyone in our family can tell the Goldilocks story with lots of pizzazz, because it’s how we got the youngest eater to eat his porridge. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you don’t have to do this if your child chooses not to eat.
If we are talking very young children, it’s fine to give them nursery food and leave it at that. (Consult your favorite Brit Lit to know what nursery food is. It is not eggplant. It is not salad.)
Try to work with your child. If you see that it won’t cause a core meltdown, start your “one bite” program now. This is the rule that states that you don’t have to eat it, but you do have to try it, and trying it means trying it this time (last time doesn’t count). I do make exceptions for foods that have a track record of causing gagging. Potatoes don’t count. Take a bite of your potatoes.
Later, this program will be a cornerstone of your mealtime regime, but know that there is a trap.
It’s called, Battling Your Two-Year-Old.
Like land wars in Asia, this type of thing is never won.
So don’t go there.
My friend Erin was telling me that her little Joseph (20 months or so) actually likes a lot of things, but exhibits secondary pickiness: The pickiness of rejecting perfectly well liked foods for the most liked foods. The remedy? Have your older sisters insist that you take a bite of the less favored item before being allowed to have the more favored one.
To dear Josie, whose letter I have posted above, I said the following, more or less:
The Tactile Hater must be respected, yet helped along. Since I am in the Tactile Hater Hall of Fame (but have largely reformed, so there is hope!), I do sympathize. Since I’m also the Alpha, I make rules, but apply them with mercy. If you really do feel like gagging, I won’t make you eat it. But next time I’ll make it differently, and then you have to see if you are going to gag, all over again. (That the next time will be long from now is the mercy part.)
If a child favors cooked veggies and fruits (and by favors, I mean in this case won’t actually gag), then why are you fixated on raw? Just give him cooked. If he likes raw, don’t insist on cooked. Serve what you were going to serve and stop letting a child control you!
Notice this: Although in winter months here in the north, children might have survived fine on something like Laura’s corn pone and salt pork, in the summer, they ate from the garden with lots of choices. In a way, our amazingly available panoply of foodstuffs deadens the palate. If you never don’t have a tomato, you probably are unmoved by a tomato.
I know I said that about variety, but paradoxically, having more than three things on a plate helps children acclimate to oddities. So, for instance, if you only served beans and rice, they might not want it, but if you serve a Mexican-style plate of an enchilada with rice, refried beans, and guacamole all arranged just so, somehow all these completely unacceptable foods (to a non-Mexican child, I guess) become doable. Even if they only eat two things, that’s a meal.
Try just having more things on the plate, rather than heaping portions of a few things. Make them well.
Another thing I told Josie is that, and here I am going to be politically incorrect in the highest degree, but you said you wanted to know, let’s say that you are tired of your picky eater hating zucchini. Why don’t you fry up some zucchini in beer batter? I have seen mighty towers of pickiness fall flat to the ground when confronted with the crisp goldenness of the deep-fried zucchini. The gates of pickiness will not prevail.
So, to be clear, this is the difference between our own peculiar American pickiness problem and the cultures of the world that don’t have it. For us, the concept of the meal as a ritual is fairly gone. It’s what I’m trying, in my own little way, to revive here. It is what those other times and places have going for them, that we don’t have.
Plan your menus (even the very simple ones). Set the table. Make your husband and yourself the Alpha pair, or, if you like to think of it in more human terms, the center and heart of your family.
Have certain foods at certain times and on certain days. Don’t leave everything up for grabs. My children really would not willingly eat lentils and cracked wheat (mujadara) most of the time, but on Ash Wednesday or Good Friday, they eat it. That’s what we eat.
What made popcorn an amazing treat for Laura and a boring one for us? The ritual of making it, of course. The difficulty, actually. Open a bag of your already popped corn, and life’s the less for it.
Recovering the meal, and even the snack, as a ritual leads directly to another important factor in overcoming childhood pickiness – the arrival at the table with a good appetite. The satiated child is perforce the picky child, because, not actually being hungry, he can afford to turn his nose up at things.
If you are constantly plying him with goldfish, gummy bears, cookies, and cereal bars, then don’t be surprised that he doesn’t eat at a meal. I personally can’t bear to eat real food after mindless snacking. Appetite clean gone!
Americans tend to placate our children with food. Rather than dealing with their actual problems (such as being bored in a carseat, or tired of shopping), we just pacify them. I’m not against snacking. As someone with blood sugar spikes, I know the importance of a well timed snack to get you through. But it should be intentional and, usually, scheduled.
If you haven’t assimilated the news that you simply must know what is for dinner before your little ones break down in crabby whines, you will be perpetrating this other self-defeating strategy: The pre-dinner snack. If your children can grab a bowl of cereal at 5, don’t be surprised that they complain about the kind of dinner you are giving them at 6:30.
One last thing: Don’t get into a power struggle. You are the adult. You made the rules, you can make exceptions gracefully without giving the impression that you are losing. As long as you keep the discussion courteous, which means demanding the same courtesy from your children that you offer them, you will not lose your dignity.
But, it’s not like I haven’t gotten into a struggle over that bite of cole slaw with a seven-year-old. I have. No harm done either way, honestly.
I think that’s it for now.
Really excellent beer batter (might not want to call it that for some Picky Eaters), Like Mother, Like Daughter
This is the batter I have always used to fry up savory foods. It's what I used for our fried onion rings a few weeks ago, and some of you asked about it then. It's light and crisp and just to die for.
Blair says
Thank you, Auntie Leila! Always great advice! This is such good encouragement. I think I would count as the pickiest of picky eaters as a child. I ate…McDonald's fries and plain burgers (meat and bun), fried chicken from local drive-thru, bacon, popcorn, chips, crackers, ice cream, oreos, and doughnuts. I'm being honest here that I don't think I ate a fruit or veggie from probably age 2 until 19. No cheese, yogurt, bread, meat, pasta, rice, or potatoes, either.
I survived, and somehow didn't become obese because I was a dancer and took classes daily. Working at a summer camp in college cured me and I think I eat a decent variety of foods now. I'm not sure what happened in toddlerhood, but it may have been along the lines of the 22 month-old in the grocery store. I don't recall ever eating meals at the table together. Thankfully I didn't end up in reform school! I'm trying my hardest not to raise picky eaters, though I'm not sure I'm succeeding. They surely aren't as picky as I was. I think I may win an award for surviving on those foods!
Kate says
In defense of your MIL – my dear departed MIL told me that her youngest son, my husband, was potty-trained at 1 year!! And his older siblings confirm that incredible feat. We also have photographic evidence – I have a black and white photo of my 6mo husband grinning on the toliet with the date on the back and the handwritten note “toliet training going well.” I kid you not. There are a couple of more photos of the same scene. My MIL was a most efficient woman. The earliest one of mine was trained was by her second birthday and she, blessed child, trained herself (so she could be just like her adored 7yo sister).
Totally unrelated – I very, very rarely deep fry anything. I can't bring myself to use all that oil. And then there's the disposal problem. Any suggestions to overcome my hang-ups?
ayearinskirts says
Hi Kate- Is it the cost of oil? Or just not wanting to use it because it's fat? Anyways, if it is the latter, read “Why We Get Fat” by Gary Taubes. I guess research shows that fat doesn't make us fat. Starchy foods make us fat. But it can be hard to unprogram from advice that we've all been hearing for 25 years so maybe just be ok with having it as a treat.
cirelo says
Gary Taubes would probably note as well that deep frying in anything other than a heat safe saturated fat would be detrimental to ones health.
Anna says
I suspect this is a case of “mother-trained” potty training. A small bladder with a pretty regular schedule, and a mom tuned in to it. It works, but it's a different beast than what we consider to be the self-sufficient toileting that adults do, themselves.
And I, too, don't like to use “all that oil” just in terms of the sheer volume of oil used. No issues with the consumption of oil.
_Leila says
Kate, personally, I just love deep-fried food. Maybe it's the former picky eater thing! In any case, maybe we need a deep-frying tutorial!
You can deep fry in the bacon fat you save. Save it in clean jars that you have saved from other things (I like the straight-sided peanut butter jars) in the fridge. The other commenters are right — you need fat that will stand up to high heat. Lard works. Coconut oil works, but is expensive.
If you take care not to let your fat overheat — 375 degrees and no more — you can pour it off back into the jars and save it for next time. In the end, if you want to chuck it, you can simply throw it away in the jars.
I got a Fry-Daddy at a yard sale for 75 cents. It works super well and allows me to face my company, which standing at my stove does not. But I have used a deep sauce pot just as well — it's just that you can't set the temperature the way you can with an electric pot, and it's overheating the fat that will a. burn your food, b. ruin your fat and c. not be good for you.
Anne says
yum! can't wait to try this. My husband and I don't like Zucchini. People will give it to you this time of year and I'm always grateful, but so far I've just been grating it and sticking it in the freezer for use in bread or tomato sauce. Now I can make fritters too! somehow that seems more honest…although it's probably not!
Lori @ IMK, IML says
Such sensible advice, and so terribly needed. Parents do their kids SUCH a favor when they help them past pickiness and on to enjoying a variety of foods.
Mama Rachael says
I am a picky eater, and Hubby is too. We are just picky in different ways. He will eat what he doesn't like, and he doesn't like lot of things. I don't like fewer things, but I refuse (yes, as an adult) to eat those things I don't like. Both of us are very sensitive to texture. All legumes are gross to me for their texture. Even boiled peanuts have that texture. I'm trying to give Peanut access to a variety of foods, but we are finding he can be picky, too.
When I told Hubby about the fried zucchini, he asked me not to try and sneak it at him. I still might try it. If Peanut and I will eat it, its a bit more veggies for us!
Marianna says
Zucchini is really good grilled…about the only way I can eat it other than as zucchini pancakes!
Thank you so much for reasonable advice. I'm always skeptical of people who say they keep presenting plates of rejected food over and over again until their kids eat…they obviously do not live with my stubborn 13 year old!
Sarah says
I was a picky child and would only eat raw vegetables – pretty much anything raw but only potatoes and peas cooked. My husband was eat anything put in front of him child. Ginger used to be similar; small portions but a huge variety. Now we have hit the twos and she doesn't like anything “I no like it”. The only vegetables we can get her to eat at the moment are roasted sweet potato, peas, carrots, cucumber and cherry tomatoes. Even spaghetti and meat sauce which was her favourite she has gone off! One meal she can't get enough of the carrots and eats those on our plates in addition to her own, the next she won't touch them:) Very frustrating but we try to just get her to eat a mouthful of each and then let her get down from the table.
dweej says
I laughed out loud at the father in the cereal aisle and your subsequent commentary. Hilarious!
I have just one out of five who is a picky eater…but he'll eat a raw carrot so there is certainly hope 🙂
ayearinskirts says
Oh dear. It's 10:30pm and now I'm hungry.
Want to hear what worked to snap my kids out of pickiness? One day I was frustrated and told my daughter (then about 4 years old) “If you don't eat your eggs you're going to become anemic! And you'll get purple under your eyes and get really tired!” The word 'anemic' sounded just scary enough and she started eating more foods almost instantly. The “anemic” trick also worked for my son when he got to that age.
Stephanie says
Your 33 years of experience is the Best qualification. That's why we all read this awesome blog! I also have a Lt who likes to open cabinets and fridges RIGHT before a wonderful meal..so some nights I am fending off the littles AND my hubby…thoughts anyone??? God bless…more wedding pics please!!!!!
Paula says
Crudités! Serve a raw veggie/dip platter as an appetizer/salad course that the family can nosh on right before supper and give yourself one less side to prepare. They can fend off hunger and it is both healthy and fun.
_Leila says
Stephanie, you and your hubby need a talk about instilling self-control in the kids by example! and you need to move dinner up about 20 minutes 🙂
Amy says
Fantastic. My son is autistic and when he was 2 years old for 6 months would only eat cereal. so I bought the best cereal I could, no sugar added. And rode it out. Eventually we went to Mcdonald's Play place with our play group and he just had to had chicken nuggets. That snapped it out of him.
Patty says
I've been waiting for this post!! Thank you! Although, knowing what I know of you from other posts, you said about what I figured you would say on this topic, so I'm not sure what I was hoping for. Magic pill to make mealtimes quiet, orderly bliss instantly, maybe? And I too have tactile issues. So I sympathize with flavor and texture sensitivities!
When would you say they transition from “nursery foods” (which concept, I love, by the way) to “eat one bite”? And what about when they eat one bite, say they like it, then eat no more? Also, do you serve nursery foods before the meal, as a part of the meal…? I've actually been transitioning AWAY from all the fiber for the sake of my son's (2yrs), ahem, digestion. Of course, *I* still eat it.
By the way, you are right on about having older sisters/siblings! I learned quickly with my second that if I said “go that way” she would run the opposite direction. If I said “Follow your sister” she would toddle along happily.
_Leila says
Patty, as to transitioning into “just one bite” — you see how it goes. If you encounter complete stubbornness, hold off until you are sure the child understands consequences — but you can start very early, even at a year old. Just don't get into power struggles for no reason.
However, a 7 yo can eat one bite for sure. And be polite about it.
Esther says
I am battling my nine year old daughter Kyrie. We are going through a school change and job change (transitioning to civilian life) so perhaps all of this is her way to control. What's tough is she was getting a stomach – we tried to offer veggies and fruit first when she is hungry. I know she has blood sugar crashes. She lives salmon and black beans. She has just discovered zucchini bread. I will try the fried zucchini. I think I will use the one bite rule and try to not hyper focus on her eating. Thank you for sharing your wisdom – it seems the Lird knew I needed to hear it.
wanderingsue says
You wonderful thing. Thanks for all these delights.
Margaret says
I grew up hating vegetables since me mother (bless her) was a terrible cook and boiled everything into oblivion. I tried everything, from hiding it to feeding it to the dog (turns out dogs don't like overcooked broccoli, either). It wasn't until I grew up that I realized vegetables can taste delicious roasted in a hot oven with some olive oil. If you look at older French cookbooks, most veggie recipes are along the lines of “Saute with lots of butter and salt, then douse with cream and bake in a casserole dish.” Also, lots of vitamins are only soluble in fat, so you actually get more nutrients eating them this way.
Jennifer4 says
“Don’t have older children? There is your mistake! Attend to this as soon as possible.”
lol, Isn't that the truth! Another mom and I were talking one day saying that every new mom needs a 7 year old at home. They make a world of difference!
cirelo says
I was determined to not raise picky eater and so far my four are doing pretty well– time will tell. My strategy is basically that we all eat the same way so they don't know that there is another way out there (no junk food in our house ever). I think parents model a lot more than they think in this arena. I think that you can make grown up foods (like salad) more appealing for little kids by adding in lots of other things to it: cheese, nuts, dried fruits, fresh fruits, avocado, larger veggies as opposed to just leaves. My kids all love salad because I would make myself a big bowl of a concoction like this (and good homemade dressing) and sit down with it by myself away from them which is always a cue from them to check out what mom has. Then they would beg food from me and I usually would end up sharing half my salad at least with the little vultures. Now they love salad when it's served to them. I do this with other things too, like nuke myself a quick bowl of swiss chard with butter on it for a snack and the kids always help me eat it. Kids are naturally interested in what their parents do so why shouldn't that apply to the foods we eat?
sibyl says
Very similar to my experience! I didn't even try to give my first two littles a bite of grapefruit (which I love to distraction) because I figured they'd hate it, and why waste it? Well, I sat down with this beautiful grapefruit half and moaned with pleasure as I ate it — really. And darn it, those two came right over and demanded bites, which I tried to discourage by making a face and telling them that they would probably dislike it because it was sour. This only spurred them to try more, just to spite me. And of course, now they (and their four younger siblings) all LOVE grapefruit and I cannot buy enough of it at one time to allow every as much as they want!
Melissa D says
My mother did this with asparagus and mushrooms — told us that they were just special foods and only for adults so of course we were wild with desire. I did this as well, and now my kids (6, 4.5 & nearly 3) will eat spear after spear after spear! Kalamata olives, too. 🙂
Elizabeth says
Loved this post (as I love all of your posts–I've been reading for awhile, but lurking). My 21 month old is actually the reverse of your e-mailer–he loves fruits and vegetables, but won't eat meat! My husband and I joke that he's going to turn us into vegetarians, or at least meat minimalists. The other day we were encouraging him to eat more pasta with the promise of additional broccoli. He was going through a very picky eating phase, but I think it was due to the stress of a recent move–as soon as we moved and settled, he resumed eating. So I agree–there's very little in their lives little ones can really control or use to cope when they're stressed, and what they eat is one of those very few! We also stopped giving him attention for not eating–food is offered at meal times and reasonably regular snack times, and if he doesn't eat, well, we figure he's unlikely to starve if he's periodically offered food.
Lacy says
Dearest Auntie Leila,
I've lurked for quite some time, just marinating in the wisdom found here. Would it be horribly rude if, though new, I added a small something to your truly excellent advice? You see, I've walked this picky eater road. In fact, I found out the hard way that my children (though only one was picky) were a special subset of the first type of picky eater you mentioned. In their case, and mine as well, it was celiac disease leading to severe pickiness. Now, this disease only affects perhaps 1% of the population, but if you have the child who won't eat anything (alternately, in a rotten case of irony, my other child ate everything in sight, often until her stomach hurt, in an effort to soothe her tummy), and they maybe look puny, or pale, or are too thin (but they can be too heavy), and your Mama instincts are sometimes shouting and sometimes whispering that something's not quite right, even though your doctor says they're fine, do consider investigating food allergies or intolerances. In my case, the not-picky child's appetite regulated immediately, and the picky child started devouring everything I put in front of her on the third day of the correct diet. She can still be picky (and I was delighted to read this advice), but it's an entirely different sort of picky now. As an adult who was diagnosed in her 30's, I can tell you that foods that made me gag before are now sources of delight as my own body heals and the nausea that never left before fades into memory. Again, this is NOT FOR EVERYONE! Just that Mama whose instincts are saying, “something's not quite right here,” and are worried about that kid who just doesn't quite look healthy enough.
At any rate, thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and life! You've truly helped this little family!
Betsy M says
Lacy, I second your thoughts here. My niece is a very picky eater and definitely on the heavy side due to what she WILL eat that is served at day care or school. Well, sure enough she has been diagnosed with gluten intolerance. She is taller than normal and does not look like what doctors used to think of as a gluten intolerant child (thin, failure to thrive). Hopefully this cures some of that food finickiness!
Maia says
I have to agree with this one (as a Celiac that was not diagnosed until college!).
_Leila says
Lacy, good reminder to listen to yourself if you know that something is not right. The pickiest eater (within the parameters set in my post) will appear perfectly healthy even if eating only two things — whereas someone who is actually sick or has a food intolerance will be sickly even if eating lots of things, although they may also be picky.
In other words, if your child is growing and has energy, don't worry too much about pickiness — just keep at it.
sibyl says
Again, a wonderful post. I would only stress what Auntie L. says about being the Alpha — the director, the decider. If you only have one little sweet child, and that child is still a baby (up to about the age of 3), he should not be consulted in any way whatsoever about what goes in his little plastic bowl and cup. Their tastes are still being formed, and if they are the normal kids (as described in the first part of the post), they will eventually eat whatever the family regularly eats, esp. if there have never been concessions, except for gentleness and low expectations over the amount of things.
I remember having only one tiny child, and how intensely important it seemed to me that she eat the right things, in the right amounts, at the right times. And now, having just come through the baby stage with #6, I can say that it is far, far easier to relax and simply put in front of them whatever you yourself are eating, and let them learn. It's very much like music, reading, and clothing choices. The kid whose family listens to Mozart for pleasure (for the adults' pleasure) will himself learn to like Mozart, without any discussions or exhortations. This is why, generally, Japanese children eat seaweed, Indian children eat curry, and Scandinavian kids eat fish!
Betsy M says
Leila, thanks for this post. My children have been blessed with good appetites and thus I don't have too much problem with picky eaters (they eat or they starve at my house). My sister's little guy though is another story. He is a wonderful kid but refuses to touch any kind of fruit or vegis except for bananas and raw spinach. I normally wouldn't worry about it but he eats at our house quite frequently and I serve food such as stir fry very often. I try to make meals where there is at least one thing that he will eat but that is not always possible as I don't always have forewarning. Any opinions as to visiting picky eaters?
Oh, and when I do have prior notice that he is eating with us a few of his favorites are pancakes (I add ground up zucchini in large quantities to this – not “hiding” it as I tell them it is in there if they ask but it uses up my zucchini supply) and puff pancakes with pumpkin and pumpkin pie spice added (again just added to use it up and make it more nutritious for my own family).
CC Jen says
Thanks for sharing that fabulous recipe! I shall immediately begin frying up zucchini for my pickiest eater.
My sister inspired me to use the one-bite rule early on; she calls it a “no thank you” bite.
Jenny says
I grew up as a very picky eater because my mother was a terrible, terrible cook. We always had vegetables that came from a can and they were all cooked the same way: Boiled to mush. Blech. Now I eat a variety of vegetables cooked in many different ways, but almost never boiled.
One of the biggest picky eating mistakes I see parents making is feeding the kids later after they have refused to eat. I knew one parent who would complain that his daughter would not eat supper but would consistently make her a substantial snack about an hour after suppertime when the kitchen was cleaned. Kids are not stupid. If they know they can hold out for an hour and then get to eat what they want, why wouldn't they?
One of the hard and fast rules in our house is you will eat what is served or not at all. Food preferences are taken into account, of course, and occasionally, the children are served completely different meals than the adults. I am not going to get upset or fuss about whether you eat more than that first bite, but don't complain about being hungry later. Breakfast is in the morning.
Molly R says
Amen to that! That is exactly what I tell my kids. I don't pressure them to eat, but we do not do snacks at bedtime. This is a big time momma sanity-saver!
Ann Turner says
I was the youngest of 5 children, and I honestly didn't know why my dad always said to my older brothers, “Eat it and don't you dare gag!” Later I found that it was a practice of theirs to pretend to choke and excuse themselves and dispose of the food they hated. Anyone ever seen the Leave it to Beaver episode where he puts the brussel sprouts in his shirt pocket? Anyone ever find meatloaf in a closet? I realize these are not helpful comments, but in that they give a little perspective which helps to face it all with a sense of humor– and that always helps.
One last thing, I remember those toddlers who couldn't quite make it and would surround me whining while I desperately tried to get dinner together. Then I decided to slice apples or oranges, or something that I could be happy that they were eating. They would then be pleasant company while I was cooking; they would be getting some good nutrition which I could actually consider part of the meal, and they generally could still be happy eating reasonably meal when it all finally came together.
emmaloock says
Dear Leila,
How wonderful to read your posts! My “mantra” for the cereal aisle is – “of course not, because (let's say it together, I tell them): we cannot have candy for breakfast”. I was blown away by the cereal aisle when we arrived almost 4 years ago – and we are from South Africa, you'd think the cultures would be more similar! And oh, “the meal as a ritual”… Who knew Sunday lunch could be anything but a cherished ritual? This blog is a lifeline, thank you!
Claire Michelle says
Oooh, good one! I'll have to use that 'no andy for breakfast' thing. And saying it together makes it Fu. And silly, not mean 🙂
Gayle says
I'm an extremely fussy eater, I'm Irish but live in Spain and am now a mother of a 2 year old – soup is a great way for kids and adult (me) to enjoy veg, no frying, no hiding when the kids help – great opportunity for trying veg raw – and fruit – puree all the way!! I'm lucky in that my little one loves everything – my in-laws would never forgive me if she was a fussy eater like me – but in moments of crises for me and for her – soup and fruit puree are first on the list.
Josie says
I'm reading this a few days late, but I'm tickled I think this is the closest I'll get to my 15 minutes of fame!;)…and endless thanks as always for the excellent advice! God bless, Josie:)
Sheila says
Two medical causes for pickiness are zinc deficiency (it makes everything taste stronger, hence you get the kids who won't eat anything but white bread, white rice, and bananas — making the deficiency worse of course) and tongue tie. A tongue tied child has a hard time eating certain textures and may gag easily. Might be worth checking under their tongue if you've got a gagger.
My trick for the whining-just-before-dinner (which happens even if we've had a snack — because what I'm making smells so good) is to let the toddler start on the veggies early. So while I'm cooking, I slip him a piece of broccoli to gnaw on, or “reluctantly” give in and let him have a green bean or two. Then if he doesn't eat his veggies at the table, it's no biggie. Serving food in courses sometimes helps — my son will eat broccoli if it's the only thing on his plate, but if there's chicken too, guess what he fills up on? Or sometimes we just load up the fork for him with one piece of chicken, one green bean, and one noodle, so he opens up for the chicken and gets the rest. (He's two; I am soon going to get tired of feeding him, but not quite yet.)
Hardly any kids like lettuce, and I'm convinced it's because they haven't got the teeth for it yet. You only have one set of molars till, I think, six, and that's not enough to chew up lettuce very well. So the poor kids try to swallow it half-chewed, and that makes them gag. Can't blame him. We do not give our toddler lettuce unless he asks for it (that is, he wants what I've got, with the yummy dressing on it); otherwise, his “salad” is just the tomatoes and cucumbers.
For texture averse kids, you can puree things. If they don't like purees either, you can add a couple Tbs of flour, drip it on a hot cast-iron, and make fritters in five minutes. That is, if you don't have beer around! My little brothers used to hate lasagna because they didn't like those long noodles. It was just a matter of dicing it really fine for them.
I don't have any problem honoring weird crazes; if they don't want their food touching, fine; if they will only eat it raw or cooked or pureed or diced, fine. On the other hand I'm not a short-order chef; I'm not making a whole separate meal for one person. But I try to serve multiple dishes so there will be something everyone likes. I don't limit food or forbid snacks, but I do work hard to keep junk out of the house. So long as the food eaten is something relatively healthy, I don't really care. And my son always wants what I'm eating, anyway — so I make my own lunch and don't offer to share, and next thing I know he's begging for a bite of my hummus-and-tomato wrap.
Anna says
Molars! I've never heard that before, and it's really, really brilliant. The same for tough meat, I bet. Hmm.
_Leila says
Sheila, interesting point about the zinc. And I agree about teeth — and also digestion — simply not being up to some foods. That's why I say to just let the salad issue go. Some tots like salad, and that's fine. But most cultures only eat salad in the spring, when young greens are available. They normally eat cooked veg. So why should we be fixated on this?
Ginger says
Your post is right on the money!
Yes, my two young'ns are as picky as the next, yet my son (6 years old) will often say “Tonight I think I will like the tomatoes.” However for two years he was surprised that he didn't. I think that he felt left out of mine and his father's enjoyment of food and kept trying on his own….who doesn't want to be part of a club of food lovers that are obviously enjoying themselves.
I will add one bit of counsel: Don't cover up the food with catsup or ranch dressing just to get your children to eat whatever it is. Of course if it's french fries or something that ordinarily goes with it. It makes children fat, and it does not serve any real goal of good eating habits…IMHO
Maia says
This post was…comfort food for a Picky-Eater's-Momma's soul. All of it. From the “more cheerful” type to the less cheerful type. I am working with a combination of both, currently. Unfortunately. Soothing post, and a reminder to work on things from both angles. Thank you.
Also, I just have to add…for folks who can't tolerate the beer (gluten) and who don't have GF on hand, this recipe is totally doable subbing GF flour and cold club soda. A bit more like tempura and delicious.
Dixie says
Club soda…brilliant!
Dawn says
I really enjoyed this post! None of my are picky about fruit or veggies. They did go through a phase of only wanting peas frozen ~ strange children. There was also the time two of the little tikes got into a fight over who got to bite the broccoli head first in the middle of the store. I do have an eight year old who dislikes just about all forms of protein. She will eat the meatball, tiny chicken thigh, two chunks of cheese or what ever, but it seems to be dreaded at many meals. She HATES beans with a passion. I just keep giving her protein and telling her that her taste buds are growing it will taste better soon ~ hopefully it will. Thank you so much for your insight. I will try being a bit more creative with some protein dishes instead of the same old things.
Blessings, Dawn
Megan says
As someone else said, this blog truly is a lifeline. I've found such wisdom and beauty and inspiration in being a woman… Catholic… mother… homemaker, here. And this little nook on the web feels like a cozy, warm little home all in itself! I wanted to say that I've taken much of your wisdom, including how to do laundry (especially towels) better than I had been. AND, I made these onion rings. Last night. OH MY GOODNESS. Just divine. And as I do have a somewhat picky veggie eater (he only really eats broccoli, or carrots in soup, or zucchini in casserole), I figured I'll try the batter on zucchini or whatever else looks good. He ate the onion rings, actually, and my husband kept coming back in for more as I fried… couldn't stay away. 🙂 I used Sam Adams' Summer Ale in the batter… mmmmmmm. I'm about to go crisp up my leftovers in the toaster oven now. Thank you, Auntie Leila!
Theresa says
Thank you for this post, i really appreciate it! We have ADHD in our family which can bring along texture sensitivities. I'm picky, but have gotten better, and all of my six children have their own pickiness. I love your advice here and think it will work well! I've also gotten my older children to eat more things by talking about what the food does for the body. They're fascinated by the science and want strong healthy bodies, so they've been eating more.
I also love that part of your advice that the parent knows the child best. My four-year-old gags very easily and will throw-up the entire meal if he starts to gag. He began to use this with secondary pickiness (there are some foods he likes better, so he would refuse perfectly acceptable foods). He worked his gag reflex so that he would throw up on the first bite, at will! This is where I had to make him eat another bite in spite of the vomiting. Throw up doesn't buy a “get out of jail free” card around here, only because it was being used as a weapon. We've now got him to the point of taking a bite and not throwing up, VICTORY! And I can now be a bit more sensitive about foods that truly make him gag.
Again, thank you for such an inspirational blog and post!
Sara says
Great post, Leila! My babies are generally good eaters, but most of my children have become picky eaters beginning around 18 mo-up until age 3 or 4. We always serve some kind of veggie or fruit, if it is lunch, which they will eat. At suppertime, everyone eats the same thing. I do allow my kids to have one thing they don't have to eat–for one of my children that's lasagna (weird, I know! I guess I'm just trying to respect their likes/dislikes, but we do not allow any one to make ugly comments about the food when it is served. We have the one-bite rule as well. My older kids 10, 8 & 6 are generally good eaters now, will eat most veggies(they prefer raw over cooked), love fruits and usually remember to not complain about the meal. We're still working on the younger ones, but I think the example of the older children will certainly help. It's funny—my almost 3 year old will almost always eat food from my or my husband's plate but not touch the same things on her own plate. I'm going to try the beer batter w/zucchini—that's one veggie my kids don't really like. Thanks for the idea!
Claire Michelle says
Hooray for Auntie Leila! I actually had fish and chips on the menu for Friday, and decided to go for it with the beer batter and onion rings. What a success. And dear to me because I have to eat gluten free, and so many recipes (the yummy, stretchy bread ones, mainly) are not adaptable. But I used your beer batter recipe with a GF Redbridge beer from the fridge (a precious ingredient, I might add) and my basic homemade gluten free flour mix. YUM!! Even my little girl who normally picks out every little onion from her chili told my parents the next day 'my mom makes the *best* onion rings'. Thank. You. And by the way, I just found a menu app for my iPad that is the awesomest thing ever. I think I can stop reinventing the wheel every season in terms of menus and lists. Best $3 ever spent, Lol.
Mary says
Has anybody, even a child, ever REALLY gotten full by eating apples or carrot sticks? When my children collapse on the kitchen floor while I'm making supper, claiming they can't even carry plates to the table because they are “so starving!” I know that they're hungry enough to eat carrot sticks. Or celery sticks. Or any of those watery, unsatisfying vegetables that they'd turn up their nose at on the lunch table. Extreme hunger has cured our picky eating problems.
Melissa D says
How I have loved this series and your wise advice! We make pesto from our garden, and our kids will eat anything with pesto on it. Of course it's become the new “ketchup” at our house, so now I'm trying to get my 2 picky eaters to eat veggies without it sometimes, just because. Crudites are fabulous pre-dinner snacks, and once I started serving water with lunch and dinner instead of milk, the kids ate more food at meals as well. (Things we don't eat: cold cereal, most packaged snacks, so-called “fruit” snacks, and just about anything with any dyes in it, since my kids react to them with hives, diarrhea, and naughtiness, in varied amounts.)
We make our sweets, which is fun to do as a family. These aren't carob cookies or faux sweets — they're actual yummy things because I have a terrible, wonderful sweet tooth! I think kids will at least try something they've had a hand in making, even if all they do is throw a pinch of salt into the mix and stir, or press a food processor button, or cut up a veggie with a lettuce knife, or help measure ingredients, etc…
Eddie Brown says
Great post !
Natalie says
I love the tea time idea! What kinds of snacks would you serve? Our endless hunger problem is in the morning…I’m about to re-read your “how to make breakfast appealing”– but if we have steel cut oats at 6:30am, I guess that is not substantial enough to make it till snack time two-three hrs later…I mean, I can make it with the help of my coffee, but the little dears are beside themselves with ‘starvation’ by 8am? Would you have insisted on them eating protein before they leave breakfast?
A friend taught me the “snack time” idea (duh) and I need to get more consistent with that….thanks for all your wisdom you pass on to us young moms!!
Jude says
Hi. I’m coming late to this post but wanted to add my experience. I have a severely autistic son who had extreme food texture (and smell and flavor) issues. As a preschooler he refused all but maybe four foods. We were fortunate that his special education preschool program had a wonderful nutritionist on staff. Autistic children tend to not give in to hunger right away. They will just wait for the next meal to come where there is something they like. So here was the strategy: You pick three foods that you want your child to eat and you serve them to him at every single meal. Every meal. And snack time. Eventually they give in and eat. When they have accepted one item, you can rotate that one out and present a new one, but routinely bringing back that item, so they don’t winnow down their diet again. It is easiest to do this when your child is out of school for an extended period of time or being homeschooled. It may seem drastic, but it works. My son is now 14 and eats EVERYTHING. The other great advice the nutritionist gave to all parents was that, as a parent, you are responsible for providing your children with routine meal times, a routine place to eat, and healthy food. Whether or not a child eats that food is up to them, but don’t give in and cater to their likes and dislikes.
Leila says
Jude, thank you for sharing this experience. Have a child with certain particular needs requires a lot of insight, common sense, and uncommon sense! You really need to think things through.
Children like the ones you describe are a small percentage of the children most families will deal with. Most children will learn to like and eat most things — IF the family has standards and certain rules and approaches things with the expectation that standards and rules will be met, within reason and taking into account all the variables (like, the child is clearly getting sick, needs to go to bed STAT, woke up too early, is experiencing a growth plateau — oh, so many things!).
But I would like to add that when parents make an effort to live this way — with flexible yet firm standards — they are better equipped when faced with one of those children who will challenge them.
So this advice about dealing with a child who has, in this case, serious needs, is really helpful in that context. In general, make your rules and set your expectations. Then look at the particular case and do what you think is best. Then all will be well.
Lynn says
Auntie, I know you wrote this so long ago, but question: should I let my kids choose to be hungry? I served, for example, chili, cornbread, shredded cheese and milk for dinner. I said that the (5 tablespoon fulls) of chili had to be eaten before she and her brother could have seconds of bread or cheese. Both chose to leave the chili. And I’m certain that both are now hungry upstairs in bed. They are 5 and 2.5. Should I just stick with the one bite rule (which the 5 yr old does without complaint) and not worry about “finishing” the small portion I allot to them before getting seconds of what they like? I never went to bed hungry (or had to finish my dinner) but it seems like the friends who institute this rule have kids who eat what is served and there must be some virtue in that. What do you think? Am I going to cause an eating disorder? Will they ever eat what is served?
Leila says
Lynn, context is everything. Was the 2 yo overtired? Is it a dinner they normally like?
My take would be to offer the food and let them eat as much of whatever of it they want, given that they took a bite of everything.
This doesn’t sound like downright pickiness to me, although, again, I don’t have the context.
Especially the 2 yo — sometimes they are too tired to eat, or have eaten things that day that make it so that they really only need one thing at supper (bread and butter, for instance).
Why battle with a two yo? If she would eat the bread, well, that’s fine. You put it in front of her, she tasted it, she chose what to eat.
Next time you might try giving her the bowl before the rest of you sit down, if it was a bit late, if it’s something she would normally eat.
In any case, you have to assess just how hungry they are when this happens. Sometimes it’s fine. Sometimes there is a digestion thing that needs to happen, if you know what I mean…
In the morning, they wake up and eat a good breakfast…
Sometimes you can take them a bowl of oatmeal with milk and a little cinnamon sugar in bed. Why not? They tasted everything at dinner — if they are truly hungry, they won’t sleep well.
Don’t trap yourself into any kind of box you can’t get out of! Don’t make rules for the sake of making rules. You didn’t get up and make them a box of mac and cheese, so that was a win.
Do things the way you think is best, NOT the way your friends do them, if those ways aren’t working for you.
Christina A says
Wonderful advice! I would note that my cousin’s son had trouble eating many foods until they finally realized his tonsils (maybe adenoids as well?) were so swollen that swallowing most foods was truly difficult; removing them made a world of difference!
Also, I just wanted to add another way to fry up slightly overgrown zucchini or (more traditionally for my family) yellow crookneck squash. My grandma used to cut it into roughly 1/2″ thick rounds, dip in beaten egg, and dredge in crushed cornflakes. Then she’d fry the pieces on both sides in a frying pan with 1/4″ to 1/2″ inch of oil, drain on paper towels, and serve with ketchup. I’ve had some success oven frying them at a high temp on two half-sheet pans on the very top and bottom racks, switching halfway through and finishing both for a couple minutes under the broiler. I bet actually deep frying them would be scrumptious!