So far in the Eating Dinner Together Series:
1. Destruction-proofing your family.
2. When they are little, the first phase.
Now things are getting busy for you!
I remember when Suzanne (aka Sukie, aka Suki — our “house style” for her name is “spell it the way you want to”) was born; Nick was four, Rosie was two. For whatever reason I suddenly realized that I was a “real” mom and had to make dinner at a certain time! I hadn't yet developed my system for menus (see the sidebar), and my friend hadn't yet told me I just had to know what was for dinner by 10 am, but at least I was getting a clue that “dinner” meant more than “Wow, it's 5:30! Maybe we should eat!”
Dinner started being fun, but it also started being a zoo. When another child (Joseph) came, and then another (Deirdre, and let me tell you, that child had to be watched every second or she'd be in the dishwasher or somewhere up in the rafters), well, all I can say is that I hope that no one who knows me from back then thinks that I think that I had it all together and my kids behaved perfectly.
Because I know I didn't and they didn't!
But you learn a few things along the way, and here they are.
{This is just the background. I realize that I haven't addressed behavior here, and in a lot of ways, that's what you're desperate to know. But you know me — I like to go into the details that I think alleviate the pressure! Dinnertime is important! So, be patient with me :)}
1. Understand that everything you do with your children is practice for other things you do with them.
Don't let this freak you out, but also don't fall into the trap of thinking that if you let them crawl on the table and eat with their hands for breakfast and lunch, they will magically know how their lobster fork from their strawberry spoon when they are invited to dine with the Queen. You have to strike that balance between convenience, efficiency, and yes, relaxation during the day “alone” with you, and manners, behavior, and a sense of respect in the evening when Dad gets home. So I do frown on paper plates, your nose in a book (different from everyone reading something at breakfast, for instance), the radio on (well, how can you stand the din?), and most importantly, everyone sort of grabbing their food — on all but the rarest occasions (by which I mean never for grabbing, as needed for paper plates — like, during a power outage!).
It's not all that difficult to gather, say grace (and a morning offering at breakfast), and pay attention to what you are doing for the 15 minutes you eat lunch. Visit with each other, enjoy the food: “Thank you, Mama, for this nice lunch.” And it will pay off when you're at Grandma's on Sunday and the children are just in the habit of glancing at you to see where you are in the process of whatever it is that you are doing, rather than just intent on getting nourishment as quickly as possible. Which, as you know, is rude. Need a whole post about this? Here you go.
2. Have a place for eating dinner.
I recently read a good book about architecture (A Pattern Language) that manages to express a lot of good things about life together and how to enhance it with design. But the author's remarks about dining I can't really agree with, although I love all he says about kitchens and recommend this book highly.
On this one point, he seems a) not to have had many children and b) not to have been the one to make dinner, because his conviction that dining rooms are unnecessary and food can be eaten in the kitchen doesn't jibe with my experience.
It depends. Right now I have a biggish kitchen and not many people.
But here's the thing. When you have a lot of children, the kitchen is a busy place. When you are committed to baking bread, braising chickens for healthy meat and broth, washing your garden produce, and keeping everyone well supplied in the cookie department, you will end up racking up the miles in that room. By the end of the day, despite your best efforts, it might not be the most tidy room in the house.
Besides, you just really need to get out of there.
So if your kitchen table isn't well out of the traffic pattern of the actual work in the kitchen, consider getting that dining room up and ready for daily use. Most houses are set up this way, with a small (if any) eat-in area in the kitchen and then a dining room. I will say, there are no excuses (although there might be patience in working tricky situations out). For instance, the Shakers kept a tabletop propped against the wall until mealtime, setting it on “legs” that doubled as workbenches at other times, and in this way they used their one space wisely. If there is some sort of barrier, even visual, between you and the place you've been working, that will help.
If eating in the kitchen plunks you right in the midst of the meal-preparation clutter, it might be best for your peace of mind if you can move into the other room. I know that when we have company especially, it's almost impossible for my kitchen to be as neat as I would like, since we have few counters. I am grateful for my dining room, and from the time our eldest kids hit puberty we ate in the dining room pretty much every night.
You see, as the children get older, their bodies take up more room! Maybe the size table you actually need just won't fit in your kitchen!
Think about going to church. It's a special place set aside for worship. As you enter, you ready yourself for what is about to occur. You notice the altar boys lighting the candles in the same pattern that they use every week. The polished chalice and filled cruets are on the preparation table. The lace cloth is on the altar, having been lovingly washed and ironed well before the day. There is no rush, no slap-dashedness.
We need to bring something of that sense of time, place, and preparation to our dinner, of course with all that is proper to the family setting. It's up to me, the mother, to think through where, when, and how we will eat (and then the others can help you make it happen).
Is the table sturdy? Are my chairs or benches adequate? Do I have the right cloths for the table. Napkins? Candles? Forks? Knives?
Seriously, for want of enough clean forks many a mother has sunk beneath the weight of family togetherness. Go to Goodwill and get enough cutlery to last the entire day. That place setting for four that you got when you graduated is not enough.
3. Enlist the troops.
Start well before you need to, especially if you use the table for crafts or schooling. There is no rule against setting the table at four, even if you are eating at six! I know. Hard to believe. Even if you aren't putting out vulnerable dishes, you can get them to clear things off and start the process.
Everyone has a job to do. You can make a list of each and every job if you need to, and divide them up. Even a two-year-old can distribute the napkins. Make sure someone has the job of unloading the dishwasher, because an empty dishwasher is the key to sanity. (If you do dishes by hand, then the dish drainer needs to be clear and the sink should be filled with hot, soapy water by the first person to rise from the table.)
Preparation of the environment prepares the mind and heart. The children experience the rhythm of the day as its ritual. To them, all things can be holy. They feel excitement when they are responsible for making things both orderly and wonderful. Maybe Daddy is coming home! Maybe he is already home (as he is here), but he will now turn his full attention to his family! They love that with all their hearts. Give them something to do to make it happen. As long as you are not always rushed (and of course, no one can help sometimes needing to rush), they will respond to your lead.
A little tablecloth, the right size for the little sideboard, from Grandma's stash of linens. |
Now you are ready to sit down.
You made your food.
You have your habits.
You have your table.
You have your minions children who take pride in their work. The candles are lit. Grace is said.
Next time I will tell you some thoughts on how to quell the ensuing uprisings, riots, and unrests.
For this week's {pretty, happy, funny, real} maybe you could think about some little detail that you organized to make family meal time happier? Would that help? It would help the rest of us! We'd love to see your contentment!
sarahlcc says
I second the 'empty dishwasher is the key to sanity.' I tried the whole 'shine your sink' routine (lasted two days). I have since reasoned out that the sink nowadays is really the dishwasher. Now I hide the sink, and keep it empty/filling. Sink being dishwasher. Thick as mud, I know. My minions, umm, children, unload the dishwasher. It's really irritating when they don't get it done fast enough/when I tell them ~ perhaps your next post on quelling the riots will offer some wisdom on that.
Helene says
Terrific ideas! I especially like the idea of having enough cutlery to last the whole day. I am still benefitting from your advice at Thanksgiving to get everyone enough underwear to last a few days, seeing that laundry needs to take a backseat during the holidays. We must eat in our kitchen as we do not have a dining room. The kitchen is sizable enough but barely accommodates our 8 foot table at one end of the room. We have ten children, however, and the 12 of us do not fit comfortably around it. A bigger table would necessitate our turning it around and then it would really cramp the cooking area. We have two college age kids who are only going to be here for the summers and Christmas. Should I just put a Little Tykes table nearby for the toddlers during those times? I feel kinda guilty sticking them out by themselves but what else can I do? Also, what do you do at holidays when there are too many guests to be formally seated? I see this kind of problem in my future.
_Leila says
Helene, you work with what you have, right? One thought: a WIDER, not bigger, table, so that 2 people can fit on each end. Or a round one.
If an extra, smaller table works for the littles, then that might be the way to go, especially if it can be in the same room. Or some at the counter (that's what we do when we're in the kitchen b/c I'm making pancakes or something else that requires me to be jumping up).
In the end, it's being together that matters, right? It might mean extra thought from you on keeping things orderly, but it's worth it!
Helene says
Hmmm, I think a round table is definitely something to look into!
BethanneB says
I agree with your using candles. When my husband and I were fairly new at all of this, we came upon The Blue Book of Effective Speech–a book owned by my grandpa. Lesson 2 in that book is how to talk to children. Mr. Law, the author, wrote about getting the attention of children by showing some object (like a lighted candle) or doing something unusual (like lighting a candle) We decided that this would be a way to soothe the savages at the table–and it has worked. I am a big fan of candles, not just for the lighting, but the ability they have to demand attention, without disruption. And good behavior at the table merits the ability to snuff out the candles at the end of a meal. This is much more appealing when children are little, but even my 15 year old asked if he could do it last weekend. Candles make the meal a moment set apart. Great post.
Sara says
I would love to have a dining room. Alas, my boring ranch house from the late 60s has an “eating area” as an extension of the kitchen. (BTW, who ever thought it was a good idea to have the dining area as an extension of the kitchen or no mudroom or for the laundry to be in the basement?????) It is distracting having to look at a messy kitchen, but it's what I have to work with right now. I'll practice contentment. Thankfully, I figured out a long time ago to plan meals ahead and I'm probably about 90% in that dept. Oh, and I LOVE that my oldest three can now empty the dishwasher w/minimal help and my 2 year old loves to throw spoons & forks on the table. We're still working on doing that properly. I definitely need more flatware and need to light candles more often. Thanks for the ideas.
Laura Jeanne says
Yes, candles are great at dinner…we always say that it is a little way to celebrate that we are all together. And my boys (3 and 7) eat their dinners much better when a candle is present – because the first one to finish gets to blow out the candle. (Don't worry, they don't rush – they are very slow eaters and a little encouragement is helpful for them.) I like the idea of a special box for matches, I will have to do that.
Erin says
A couple months ago I went to walmart and bought two packages of the cheapest forks they had ($1 for four). They are dreadful forks and I hate them, but I haven't found myself two seconds before dinner washing forks since I bought them. So important. 🙂
I have greatly enjoyed this series.
Helene says
Erin, I have those cheap forks (and spoons) too! I only use them for kids/husband packing a lunch and taking them somewhere. If they get lost, no big deal. But I'm going to use Leila's words and tell you “Get thee to Target!” In their housewares aisle they have several sets of Oneida teaspoons, salad forks, soup spoons, and dinner forks, offered sort of open stock style. They come six of the same kind in a package for 9.99. They have a mirror finish and are really lovely quality. They are my favorite silverware in the house! I have quite a collection now. I would just pick up a package one at a time whenever I had to go to Target. It was more affordable that way. I believe the pattern is called “savor” and can be seen on Amazon, too.
Jenny says
We also have no dining room with a small galley kitchen that has about seven linear feet of counter top conveniently chopped up into four sections (2, 2, 1.5, 1.5). There is hardly room to do anything. There is just enough room in the eating area to put our table and squeeze in six chairs–it seats four comfortably. I think builders nowadays make up floor plans with the express purpose of making the occupants want to move. Keeping the dishwasher and sink empty is the only way to stay sane.
Marie says
We light candles for lunch and supper! Thank you for the wonderful idea of putting your matches in a pretty box and having a cordial glass handy for extinguished matches.
Briana/Justamouse says
My dining room where we eat is off the kitchen, also, and looking at your pictures I had a huge DUH moment–put the silverware in the server drawers! *facepalm*
Great post.
Sue says
This post made me want to get on a plane immediately so that I can go to Goodwill and buy old linens and cutlery! I was well supplied with cutlery, thanks to wedding presents, but I am inexplicably down to only four teaspoons. As luck would have it, there seems to be no such thing as a teaspoon in Japan. Thankfully we eat with chopsticks much of the time, but every time I look in my cutlery drawer I get annoyed by the lack of teaspoons!
I so love these very sensible posts of yours. I also love your yellow curtains in the first photo.
nt12many says
Leila,
I always get inspired by what you write even though I am an “older” mom. We are absolutely painting matchbooks this week…wow! What a concept…keep those matches on the table to avoid disruptions (but make them look pretty;-)!
As one who struggles with wanting to make a meal (again), I cannot overemphasize how important it is to do what Leila mentioned at the beginning of this great post; Make a Decision to Have Dinner Regularly!! It's a hard one….stick with it….the world and its schedules are against us but let's make dinnertime a priority.
Leila, I am going to refer people from to your blog when I speak at a workshop this weekend…this is just a great post (one of many).
Jill Farris ” target=”_blank”>http://www.generationalwomanhood.wordpress.com
nt12many says
Whoops! I meant that we are going to paint a little container to hold our matches this week. Great idea.
Catherine says
Auntie Leila,
I just finished a Pattern Language as well and I agree about your critique of his idea of everyone dining in the kitchen, first you would have to have a spotless kitchen and after preparing a big weekday meal I find that a spotless kitchen is a rarity and you would also have to have only a few guests and or children.
Thanks for a great post! It reminded me once again of the importance of ritual.
Lisa G. says
So enjoyable to read these posts. I love your sunny-room photos!
Anastasia says
Standing applause! Thank you Auntie Leila.
Faith says
I think I'll get all these things covered once I'm a grandmother– I'm feeling a little helpless right now… so much to think about! When you (anyone?) start a new routine do you write it all done and post it on the side of the fridge or something?? I think I'm ADD??
_Leila says
Faith, work on one thing at a time! You'll get there 🙂
Joy says
This is great! My “minions” take turns emptying the dishwasher and putting all of the dishes away for me so I can refill. I'm still working on them doing so in a timely way each day. I am renting an older house with a dining room. It is right next to the kitchen and only separated by cabinets and a pass through but oh the difference it makes! When there is a clean tablecloth, candles, and a nicely set table, I feel so happy. And my back is to the mess in the kitchen. 🙂
This is such a good series. Thank you for the encouragement.
Tiffany says
Thank you, Leila! Each time I try to express my gratitude to you, I feel like my wild hyperbole seems insincere. Your candor and grace really do keep me from giving up. I was never taught any of this, by example or otherwise. I mean ~ my mother had fantastic taste and gorgeous table linens, but took no joy in domestic life and worked a lot to support our family. So. THANK YOU for truly, intentionally stirring affection for this noble vocation, in my heart. I need your help.
Helene says
What Tiffany said!
RubberChickenGirl says
Is it my imagination or is this the 2nd time you've called Bed, Bath and Beyond “dreaded”? You truly are no fan. Did you answer me already why that is? I cannot find where I asked (I think I did!?).
RCG
_Leila says
BB&B is just so boring, and rarely has what I really need, despite being huge and filled with things!
Erin says
Auntie Leila, when my husband and I were dating, I thought I was doing a good thing by teaching him to cook. Now, when I plan a weekly menu (with his input, of course), I find it upended by a stealth snacker who slips into the kitchen and stir-fries himself something I had earmarked for supper tomorrow, and when it comes time to prepare it, we're short! I want him to eat when he's hungry, but….what do I do? Has anyone else ever had this problem? Thank you so much!
_Leila says
Erin, that's why in my menu-planning thoughts, I suggest including an “extra” meal so that you are ready for such things. We all have our little emergency quick meals that we can pull out, and scheduling one in (and buying the supplies for it) is really helpful.
When something “always” happens, you need to plan for it!
eklarner says
Thanks! We'll plan some extra in this week, and keep adjusting until we've figured out just how much extra lunch/snack food hubby needs! And a good bit of general advice on the end, of course. At least I remembered to stock the freezer with fish!
Sarah says
Great post. We also have a “spell her name however you want” child at our house. Our third child, Amelia, nicknamed herself Mena (or Mina) at age 1. We all still call her that three years later. I have had people ask me how to spell it, and I tell them to spell it however they want. Even my husband and I usually spell it differently. Funny how these things happen! =)
Lori @ IMK,IML says
I read A Pattern Language about a year ago and felt an immediate connection with many of the principles — now I seem to “see” it everywhere, even here!
Our kitchen was remodeled from a former closet kitchen and separate dining room. The spaces are open to each other visually, but separate enough that I'm happy.
Love the dishwasher advice. Mine is that an empty servant (DW, washing machine, etc.) is a servant ready to serve.
Amy says
When you pointed out the scratches on your buffet it brought to mind a product called Howard's “Restore a Finish”. Have you ever heard of it? It''s a product that brings wood finishes back to life instead of sanding and refinishing them. I first read about it on this blog: http://www.centsationalgirl.com/2011/10/results-f…
I bought some recently and tried it on a few pieces of my furniture and I was very satisfied with the results. I also bought “Feed N Wax” and used it on my grandfather clock that had water damage. If you haven't tried it, I highly recommend it!
Charlotte says
We also have a spell “her name however you want” child! I am eating up these dinnertime posts, Auntie Leila! (Pun intended!) My family growing up was never a sit down to dinner kind of family except for holidays and even then, it wasn't very important. Well, to be fair, it was important to my mom but my dad didn't much care and so she eventually gave up, I think. In his family, Thanksgiving dinner happened while sitting in front of the TV watching the Cowboys play. Things are not that bad in our family but reading your words has made me reevaluate the way we've been doing things and see where we have slipped a bit. Our biggest problem right now is that we have reached that puberty time for my three oldest and have outgrown our breakfast nook. We used to be able to fit everyone there, but not anymore. We need to transition into the dining room but it has always been used as our school room so it feels a little strange in there. I need to do a few things to make it feel more like a dining room again. First thing is we need a table and enough chairs to fit everyone. I think some lamps to improve the lighting too. I'm going to try to put together a post later on and I'd love your suggestions!
Jonna Rose says
Auntie Leila you are brilliant and possibly my go to parenting guru (my mom only had me and there's a lot she doesn't remember). This is off topic but I thought I'd ask anyway – what are your thoughts on sleep training and night feeding? You have many beautiful, well-adjusted children. Did they co-sleep? Did they have their own cribs? Did you have to teach them to self soothe or to not wake up to eat multiple times throughout the night? I have a six month old and there is so much conflicting information out there. “Attachment parenting” as a movement implies will create a small psychopath or (PTSD sufferer at least) if I Ferber, but that seems to speak more to my guilt than my common sense. Most mothers I talk to say they just followed their child's lead and they started sleeping on their own and dropped night feeds, but all those children have sleep issues! It's like their parents are in denial! Please please give me a splash of cold water to clear my head.
Claire Michelle says
I recommend cosleep ing for many reasons. See Dr. James McKenna's tiny book, Sleeping with your Child. You can look him up online. He does mother-child sleep research at Notre Dame. I have always loved Elizabeth Pantley's “The noCry Sleep Solution”. Just recently discovered Harvey Karp's “Happiest Baby on the Block.” I have found that most of my five children, even when they are old enough to have a bedtime and to be put to bed in their own crib, usually wake at midnight to nurse, until they are almost two. Then they join us in bed and we all sleep! this is healthy, provided you have certain safety considerations in place, and baby nurses and mommy sleeps! When you find, for whatever reason, it is time to have baby in bed with you less, the books above are super helpful. Good luck. You can do this!
Elizabeth says
Jonna – I know this is from QUITE a while ago, but I just thought I should say that teaching my daughter to sleep on her own was the best thing ever, from her perspective. (It was harder on me than it was on her.) I didn’t know this when she was born but she’s turned out to be quite the introvert… looking back, I can see those tendencies in her even as a small baby. It got to the point (around 2 mos, so she was little!) that she would NOT sleep if someone was around, not even if I was holding her in a dark and quiet room. Too exciting for her.
Now, she didn’t like learning to sleep by herself at first. But she wasn’t sleeping at all (like 5 hours a day — not enough for such a small person, or a big person for that matter). Once she figured out that we would come back to get her when she needed us, she started really enjoying that quiet time to herself.
I tried to help her learn that I would be back soon by leaving her, for example, around the corner from me for a minute and then I’d come back to get her (excitedly saying “Hi Baby! I’m so glad to see you!” and then doing something with her. I imagine it would be QUITE the shock to someone to all of a sudden by left by themselves with no real understanding that the person you need will come back soon.
Oh, and for the eating, she just did that by herself. I’d feed her before I put her to bed, obviously, and she just eventually lengthened the time between waking up until she slept the whole night through. It was easy for me to tell what was going on internally because I bottle fed, so there’s an easy visual. I imagine it’s harder to know with certainty how much your baby is getting with breastfeeding…
These days, she’s almost 2, and she really loves some alone time in her crib every day. I give her around 30 minutes to wake up in the mornings and sometimes she’s awake for 30 minutes at night telling herself about the things she did that day. 🙂 She’s learned to call me when she’s ready to get up. Sometimes I go get her before that because I miss her, but usually she’s just as happy to stay and play with some stuffed animals and “read” some books I leave in there for her. 🙂
Anyway, all that to say that each baby is different. Some babies adapt really well to alone time and some need more company. All babies need sane moms, though, so keep that in mind as you teach your little ones good habits (the goal is for them to be responsible, independent adults, eventually, right?). Probably my next one will be super clingy in comparison to the first… I’ll cross that bridge if/when it comes, I guess! 🙂
Lucy says
This post made me laugh, partly because my husband and I have been going at it (very politely, I'll add) about where to situate our dining place. We have an 80s vintage house with a formal dining room, but it faces out to the street and my hubby is a privacy freak (I am not – weird, since he's the extravert and I'm the introvert), which means that he wants the blinds closed and then it feels like a cave. Years ago we moved the main eating area to the kitchen (which is large) because it was just easier with toddlers. Recently I decided I wanted a more “formal” eating space, but since I didn't like the dining room and wanted to use it as an office (it was previously a playroom – our house evolves regularly), I put the table in the family room. That may sound weird, but it's a big room and it connects to the kitchen space, although separated by a railing and a step down. And more importantly, it has the best view in the house. We have a huge window overlooking our lovely back yard which backs up to a nature preserve and we were rarely enjoying this view, since we didn't really spend time in that room unless we were watching a movie, which is at night in the dark. We also have a wood-burning fireplace in there and I saw a picture somewhere of a dining table in front of a fireplace and had a moment of clarity. My hubby has since refinished my great-grandmother's dining room table and it's now in the family room. I love this because we get to have a nice view while we eat (and a fire, in the right season). It's a little weird, since we still have our couch and TV (and the Wii and the Xbox) in there, so we're always moving the table around to accommodate our other activities, but I still love it. Once the table has a final home, I'll hang a chandelier over it.
I actually do have a sideboard that goes with the table, but it also needs refinishing before it can be used and at this point, I'd rather have a piano in that room. But someday, I want real linens just like in your picture (we use real plates and silverware, but paper napkins).
I also laughed because tonight when my children addressed the idea of a read-aloud book for meals (my children are in school, but when they're home on break, I read out loud at meals, the way my mother did when I was growing up), hubby said he wanted to have conversations and talk about their day, but when the meal was mainly over and they were talking about the book we were reading at lunch, he took out his phone to play chess. We're a work in progress around here!
I also love the idea of a pretty matchbox and glass to hold burnt matches. I usually have candles on the table, but we use a lighter. Matches smell so much nicer!
Marie says
Did you ever give the 3rd secret for destruction-proofing your family? Would love to read about it!
Older Mom of Teens says
Leila, and others, I would like to hear some success stories from families where rituals have fallen by the wayside. How do you RE-start these habits? What if hubby is not entirely enthusiastic? He used to insist on dinner and Sundays together, family prayers, etc… but he's losing interest, perhaps feeling swamped by work. I need to use stealth enticement, planned by myself alone, to get him to go along.
_Leila says
Older Mom of Teens — Now is the time, more than ever. BUT — don't stress. Do your part — get the meal ready on time, enlist others to help you, including setting the table, light candles (get the kids to do this), ask your husband to say grace, enjoy your meal yourself, don't look for affirmation.
Just keep it low-key but let your husband, especially, know how much you ENJOY being with him — his company, his conversation. Make dinner about the two of you connecting. Make sure one of the kids clears your husband's place for him, lovingly.
Just do dinner. Aim for four times a week, including Sunday. Don't worry about the rest. This is the time of your life when he is very tired and burdened by responsibility (college bills, anyone??). The most important thing is that he know that you appreciate him and all his efforts.