Dinner together, the first post.
Okay, let's get down to business with this dinner thing. We all know it's a good idea. Why is it so stinkin' hard?
Not that I am the best person to give advice. On anything. I'm just here because it's like when you're in a class, and someone asks a question, and the smart kids are busy with something else. Eventually, you just have to pipe up. That's me.
For instance, once our first child (who shall remain nameless, as this is an embarrassing story, even if he was only one) was cutely wandering around the living room as we entertained a newly married couple (even more newly married than we). It was a hot Washington, D.C., night, and I thought it would be refreshing to serve a nice watermelon (neatly cut up in bite-sized pieces) as a starter while we waited for our leg of lamb to grill.
I think we were grilling it. In any case, it wasn't getting cooked, and the evening was wearing on. The couple gamely sat, with little other than watermelon to sustain them, chatting with us. The baby (who loved fruit) kept toddling up and eating watermelon. The lamb kept on not really cooking, even though I switched it to the oven, and kept cranking up the heat, and man, it was getting hotter in the kitchen all right.
I remember that we were maybe on a bit of a mission to convince this couple that having a baby was a wonderful, life-affirming thing to do. Not a way to cramp your style at all. When we finally sat down to eat, and it was really late by that time, I put the baby in his high chair at the table. Still talking brightly, I began to carve into the lamb (which actually was quite rare), when the baby coughed and, I think, started to choke a little on his millionth piece of watermelon.
Really, he was amazingly good, for a toddler — very patient and not fussing at all. He had been happy with his fruit!
Until, quite surfeited, he — yes, the worst happened.
That little choke caused a mighty, projectile, and definitely pink upheaval, all over the table.
I can't remember how the evening ended. I'm sure that this couple went on to embrace a large family… or else they remain childless to this day, and it's all my fault!
So early on, a vividly hued vomit warned me that I'm in no position to give advice.
I was laughing the other day with Rosie, because she was telling me about all that Pippo was eating for his supper, “and now I'm cleaning him up and getting him out of his high chair.” I told her that if he ate and was still sitting in the chair, she was doing great, because I have very strong recollections of Nick and her sweet little self literally jumping on the trays of their chairs, such that when Sukie came along, I opted for a sturdy wooden version, having replaced the previous model once and the plastic tray of same twice.
I admit to having that collapse of judgement and will: Despite securely locking them into their chairs as well as trying to discipline them, I basically just gave in to them standing, and even jumping, on their tray while I tried to clean them up and get them out. I'd say I regarded it as a win if they didn't plunge to their deaths, although their balance was amazing and impressive. Might as well have a strong tray; and indeed, it has endured 5 children and exists to this day.
I remember my sister-in-law warning me about “gunk on the legs,” (of the high chair) — a phenomenon she noticed with her toddlers when a friend was visiting and she happened to glance down at the nether regions of her child's eating area. Ew.
I remember wondering why a friend's floor was covered in crud — her kids were the same age as mine, and seemed to have the same basic habits. Then it dawned on me. She didn't have a dog and I did. Note to young moms: Get a dog. (Not really, unless you want to, because dogs exponentially increase other types of dirt. And it's not like the floor is clean. It's just crud-free and covered in dog saliva.)
We're just so eager to start, aren't we? We want to be a family! Eating dinner together! It just seems like there is a lot of… crud… while we're waiting for it all to come together.
Later, I seriously questioned the sanity of trying to eat with my husband in the presence of children whose sole aim in life seemed to be to test the maximum amount of nagging I could produce in the space of one meal. The dear Chief would beg me not to correct them. I would beg him to correct them. Obviously you can't not correct them! They are sliding off the chairs! Exclusive of ever actually sitting in them! They are literally under the table! They are deliberately making me insane! Do something!
But what can you do?
Let's just take a deep breath and conjure up a mental picture. In ten years these same little unruly beggars will sit around this table and actually speak with you, if only for a few minutes. True, we can't really make out their faces right now in this mental picture — it's a little blurry. True, there are other little beggars sliding off their chairs — I think one of them might be wriggling out of his five-point harness and making his way up Mount Tray. But some conversation is taking place.
In a mere fifteen years, the number of upright bodies forms the majority. You hardly notice the giggling under the table when you aren't correcting it, and occasionally one of the gigglers comes and sits on your lap and just listens. In this mental picture, you have the ability to hear what some of the beggars are thinking. The little giggler on your lap is full of wonder at the amazing people, her siblings, who can capture the attention of Mama and Papa. She secretly thinks, “Some day, I'll talk to them too.”
This picture can keep us going for a while. I and some others have survived to tell you that it will happen if you are persistent and also patient.
It takes time.
Meanwhile, here are some things you can do today to make this picture come true.
1. Know what is for dinner and make it 20 minutes earlier than you think you need to, so that you can clean up, so that you can sit and eat somewhat peacefully, without the sense that the kitchen will explode. Work backwards with me for a second: If what dismays you (other than jumping, sliding children) is facing an exploding kitchen after supper, you need to have cleaned up the cooking mess before you eat. To do that, you need to start the cooking a little earlier, so that you have time to whisk things away. To do that, you have to have known what was for dinner in time.
2. Have dinner a little earlier than you think you might ordinarily have it. Not quite the same as 1. This is moving the whole shebang earlier, so that infant meltdowns don't coincide with adult meltdowns.
3. Light a candle at the table tonight. (Perhaps a pillar candle or votive is the best choice at the moment, for the sake of not setting the house on fire.) It's your beacon of culture. It's your promise that someday, that mental picture, above, will be yours. It's your promise to yourself to be patient. If you don't have a candle, put it on your grocery list.
If we were sitting at my kitchen table with a cup of tea, this is what we would discuss, if where you are is at the very beginning, with, say, a toddler and a nursing baby. At first, what I say will sound like the opposite of “eat dinner with your kids,” but bear with me.
1. Focus on having dinner with your husband and try to enjoy it and him. You have many, many years to get this thing down. What is important is that you and he have a conversation at dinner. You can talk, among other topics, about how, gradually, to make dinnertime family time.
{Can I tell you what I really think about date night for young married couples with babies? I think that it's fine to go out, and you should take your infant with you. He wants you and he needs you. I think it's only going to make you cry to leave your tiny baby home. I know I would not have enjoyed it, and that's why I never did it. My friends who have big, happy families really never did it either, as far as I can tell. None of us ever had the money, for one thing. But the more important fact is that the time when the baby is little is for concentrating your energy on him, yes, 24/7, yes, not leaving him. It's a little premature to be putting romance front and center in your lives right now, and the strained quality of your time out shows that. Your love is starting to have a different quality from what it was before the baby came, and that is something our society and its experts know very little about. I mean, if you had fun, great. This isn't a guilt trip. But don't be surprised if date night isn't all it's cracked up to be in the first few months of your baby's new life. And don't feel pressured to have one if it seems more tragic than exciting. When you're ready for date night, when that tiny baby is so big he's jumping in Grandma's arms and waving goodbye, you'll find you don't have to yank yourself away from him to go.}
If your husband tends to come home late during the workweek, why not get the babies fed and bathed and in their jammies. You know, tender young bodies can only take being buckled and strapped and shod for so many hours!
Get them clean and in their soft night clothes. If they go to bed before he gets home, that's okay — you can always aim for breakfast together, usually a less stressful meal. Maybe some days their naps will allow them a later night, or the weekends can be for hanging out together. Soon, they'll be older and more able to stay up with Dad.
If they stay up, or one of them is up, for dinner, don't try too hard to feed them at the table when you are trying to eat as well. But play it by ear, every day if necessary. Some days, it might be helpful for Daddy to try his hand at “shoving the oatmeal into him.” (Not how Auntie Leila would say it, as you know, but the Chief has been known to express it this way. He is a professional writer, after all.)
Some days, it is not helpful to try.
Here is a little bulletin that I hope makes things better: Your children experience things this way — “We always did X.” Even if you did X only a few times at first, and then gradually more often, but not by any means actually every single time, that's how they will remember it! (Sometimes they say it about something you are morally certain you only did once. Don't know what that's about, other than to console you for all your failures!) So give yourself a little break if things seem stressful and downright impossible right now with your little ones.
Better to give them an early supper/nursing and have twenty-five twelve adult minutes at the table. Not alone, probably, but not stressed-out, either.
What would this look like?
The toddler sitting up at the table as if to join you, but with a token plate of something appealing to him (dessert, perhaps), since he's already eaten earlier. After a few minutes (or maybe longer! who knows! toddlers are so hard to figure out!), he wriggles down and goes to play, and that's fine.
The toddler and baby on a blanket on the floor or in the baby's playpen (topic for another day; try not to hyperventilate at the idea of a playpen, it's a good one), playing with baby's toys.
Do you have a little table and chair in the dining room or nearby where you eat? Maybe now is a nice time for special coloring.
Toddler on Dad's lap, baby on Mom's.
Very small infant asleep in a bassinet, having been bathed and nursed before supper-time, near the table while you enjoy dinner with Daddy.
Papa enjoying holding his infant, giving Mama a break so she can eat, toddler playing with his toys nearby.
Mama nursing the baby right at the table. I think, in fact, that's what I mostly did, since I personally have a little trouble being on time with dinner. (Shhh!) If you feed the toddler beforehand, it works out. What won't work out is not feeding the toddler until it's too late! (Did you know that children sometimes get too hungry to eat?)
2. Another day I'll go into what young children should be expected to eat. But very young children do not need to eat an adult's idea of a balanced meal. (This is my post on starting with solid foods.) This is where your childhood reading comes in very handy. Remember The Secret Garden? Remember your E. Nesbit?
Whenever I worried that my children weren't getting all food groups, eating plenty of fruits and vegetables, etc. etc., I remembered that for most of history, children were just fed simple diets, and nursed for a good long while. If it was good enough for Laura, I think our kids can survive. After all, the reality is that we in the United States have the most varied diet imaginable! So stop worrying about that spinach salad (which, by the way, is a leading cause of e. coli poisoning) and give the 18-month-old another helping of whatever home-cooked simple food he seems to like this week. I promise that as he gets older we'll change our strategy a bit.
As much as I'm trying to convince you that dinner with the family is your goal, for now, try to wrap your mind around the paradox of how enjoying dinner with your husband every evening will get you there. Trust me, if the two of you focus all your energy on your two little barbarians, making them the center of every moment of your day, in a few years you will not have much to say that isn't in baby-talk.
Young children take their cue from you. When our bigs were littles, I was very blessed to have my husband sometimes say to me, in so many words, “Look at me! Talk to me!” And we would talk right over the din, right through it, sometimes even running away from it. (Yes, he once took me by the shoulders very gently and maneuvered me right into the bathroom and closed the door! So he could finish his sentence!)
Here is a test for tonight.
When you say grace, which of course you are trying to teach your dear little ones, are you looking at them when you say it?
Nodding and smiling as your toddler blesses his little heart?
Chuckling?
So, is he… your god?
Don't get me wrong — I'm as delighted and smitten with the cuteness of it all as the next person when it comes to lisping tots learning their prayers. But! If night after night, year after year, you look right at your children when you pray, well!
Bow your head and say grace, and I guarantee you nothing terrible (well, nothing that can't be undone eventually) will happen for that 30 seconds. You can peek if you need to. The point is, it's good for even a small child to experience the shocking, yet ultimately liberating, experience of not being scrutinized for a bit. Of not being the center of everyone's attention, even if it's just for the time it takes to say grace.
Next time I talk about dinner, I'll look at what happens when they outnumber you.
Lori @ IMK,IML says
My mom would applaud all you say. She always counsels mothers: “Believe it or not your children will leave some day and it will but just you and your husband. If you want to have anything to share then, you've got to keep sharing all through the child-rearing years.” Good stuff, Leila.
Blair says
I look forward to the “outnumbering” post! We're at 4 kids (9 and under), and although we're doing well with dinner together most nights, we're still working on them helping with setting and clearing the table, and manners most of all (not climbing on table, eating with hands, drinking from mom's cup, etc). As I talk about better manners, it seems that now they are spending their meal pointing out everyone else's infractions! Also, important to me right now is finding a suitable Craigslist table that fits all of us and doesn't have grime covering every surface. We'll get there, I know! I love all your advice, Auntie Leila!
Laura says
Oh, I just love you Leila. Thank you for reminding me that my little circus is just as it should be and if the baby eats a banana for dinner (or, gasp, a graham cracker), well fine. She'll nurse before bed anyway.
Lisa G. says
How fascinating it all is. 😀
Sonja says
THANK YOU for what you're saying about date night. My son is, at 3.5, finally HAPPY to stay with grandma. And now I'm HAPPY to go to date night (or afternoon) with my husband. When he was too small to be left, we did a few date nights with take-out & rented movies in our very own living room, with the boy asleep in the next room, which worked really well, too.
We hold hands when we pray before our meals – less chance of anyone getting into trouble… 🙂 Also, eyes get closed – that way, it's easier to focus on prayer rather than on what's for dinner.
Sara says
Great post. I remember reading somewhere (For the Children's Sake maybe?) how the author had six children, 4 olders & 2 youngers, and she would feed the younger 2 a light meal before the main dinner. Then they would be free to play or sit at the table with everyone else, but they wouldn't be ravenously hungry and therefore act completely crazy. Our supper times have not been fun lately–I usually end up feeling stressed. I think it's because we have six 10 & under and the youngest two are 5 month old twins. I probably just need to plan a bit better (start earlier or even in the morning on supper prep). Thanks for the words of wisdom.
priest's wife says
about not looking at the kids when praying- YES!
An icon, crucifix or the candle can be a good place to focus (I don't close my eyes- last time I closed my eyes during prayer, the baby put on some mascara)
I encourage the kids to also look at the icon, etc
Colleen says
“last time I closed my eyes during prayer, the baby put on some mascara”
You made me laugh out loud!
Lacey says
Me too!!
Anastasia says
Oh, I love you Auntie Leila! We are trying to do this, and some nights my husband just looks at me with a pained look in his eyes as his food is cold and I've pretty much swallowed my plate whole and burnt my throat. But it is so reassuring to hear this and know we can persevere!
Holly/TropigothMama says
Thank you, THANK YOU for what you said about date night. Our (oldest, only so far) daughter is almost 6 months old and has been on many a date night. It's completely natural to us – she can now play in a high chair while we talk over her head, she sleeps on my lap while we take in a movie.
I know that when my husband's (older, never had children) aunt heard that we bring MissBoo when we see a movie, she was shocked – but it works for us! 🙂
Lynn says
Thank you, Auntie Lelia! This is spot-on what we needed to hear. We'll be putting it into practice starting now (I've got a votive ready to go. 🙂 ) I think i have in my mind that it “used to be” different; that in “olden days” people were able to get their toddlers to sit and eat what was served and not prance around. I need to re-read the Little House books! Thanks; I know this will make dinners less stressful and fun (and not so child-focused. It hadn't occured to me that all that correction was focusing improperly on the kid.)
_Leila says
Lynn, thanks for your comment! Auntie Leila would never say \”don't correct\” — you know that 🙂 But yes, we have to put the focus on the right thing!
Dyan says
I agree with all you have said. I really enjoyed this post. It made me laugh out loud, especially the “get a dog” part! It all does take time to get dinnertime down to a science–and once you get it down, everything changes.
Thanks for taking the time to share your wisdom.
Monica says
Oh, Auntie! If only our house had not been built by barbarians and we had room for a table! We are stuck with eating in the living room. Thank you for your encouragement! I'm going to figure out someway of making our mealtimes happy! And thank you for letting me know I need not have epic battles with the 2.5 year old if he doesn't eat his asparagus.
Danielle says
I am loving these posts – balm for my weary mama heart. I have three littles right now and some days despair of every being able to take them out in public, let alone complete a meal without craziness. Always such good and steady advice, and I especially take to heart your theme of not stressing so much about the chaos of the present ” without any relaxation of your glorious vision.” 🙂
Tracy says
Leila,
Love, love this post (as all the others you have written…) It amazes me that you can remember clearly enough to talk to this phase of life with the vision of what is to come. Can I just say my favorite part was your comments on date nights for parents of very young infants? We moved far from parents when our first was pretty little, and we have rare date nights. Of course you always, always hear how you HAVE to have a date night (like once a week!) if you are going to keep your marriage strong. Well, we live an hour from any decent restaurant and 30 minutes from (paid) babysitters. So, we eat dinner together…we put the kids down at a decent hour (8) and we visit and talk with each other every day. We make date night at home, all the time. We have four kids now and are just starting again with an infant, and I am thankful I don't feel the need to leave the house and the baby once a week to connect with my man. =) Anyway, great insights as always, and thank you for the encouragement!
Joy in the South says
I have 9 children (the oldest is 30) and I loved the throw-up story because we have lots of those, too. Family stories are the BEST! (I'm an only child and have really enjoyed hearing stories from my dh, who is the oldest of 3 boys.)
I hope you're going to write about having dinner when you have adults and small children still at home. It's tough to get get us all together and even tougher to schedule in the ones who live out of town/out of the country. Enjoy those times with little ones!!
nt12many says
I agree with you Joy! We have eight children with two out of the home (but dropping in), 4 busy teens and a ten and six year old. It is very very hard to have consistent family mealtimes even though we believe in them! Advice from Auntie Leila is welcome!
Jill Farris ” target=”_blank”>http://www.generationalwomanhood.wordpress.com
Kara says
“they are deliberately making me insane” – Love this!
So thankful for you and my pediatrician! We finally gave up fighting about food with our 2 1/2yr old because I could no longer stand the awfulness of dinner. And because my pediatrician reassured me that he never saw his son eat a bite of dinner until he was about 4. My husband is still wondering if we'll be raising very picky children but the peace at dinner time seems worth it. Thanks for reminding me that this is just a season in life. We have time to work on pickiness.
Cassidy says
What a wonderfully timely post for the beginning of Lent! My husband wants his meals to be much simpler for the next forty days anyway; so I'll make my resolution finishing those lentil soups well before suppertime so the kitchen is clean and the candle lit. If the dishes only take two minutes we'll certainly have time for some family prayer before bed. Also, re that candle: I always find Advent and Lent cry out for extra darkness and candles to set the mood, for littles as well as us, and I know you've talked about that Auntie Leila.
_Leila says
Thank you for saying the post is timely, Cassidy — I was squeezed into posting it on Ash Wednesday and felt kind of bad about that! But it had to be done 🙂
Yes, sometimes it's good to focus less on the food and more on the mood and the relationships! Fewer dishes, happier family? 🙂 This from someone who tends to complicate everything! 😉
Briana/justamouse says
Your post make me laugh so hard. When the twins were about 3, and running, and Nate was 2 and running, their favorite time to run was after they ate. Of course the dog thought the whole thing was fabulous. I have NO idea why, it's just the way it was and I was too tired to stop them. So Daddy and I would be trying to eat at the table and the three of them would climb out of their high chairs and start their evening run. At that house the stairs were in the center and since it was a contemporary they ran laps, around and around, laughing and jabbering as Daddy and I had a bit of conversation.
Now they're all sitting at the table conversing with us, just like you said.
Kh. Patty says
Ours do “run around the table time” too! Although, lately, I've put a stop to it, at least downstairs since the one doing it is 4.5 yrs old now. But that's just hilarious!
Lauren says
Haha! We have post-dinner laps too. 🙂 Out of desperation mostly I used to feed our oldest dinner ahead of time to avoid meltdowns, but now that she's 3 1/2 she's sitting with us sucessfully (and eating some too!). Glad to hear others have the same approach and she'll turn out just fine. (fingers crossed) 😀 It's intimidating figuring it all out as new parents, not sure where the line is between unrealistic expectations and giving up. Thank you Auntie Leila! What a gift you are!
Kathy says
Thank you Auntie Leila! I find dinnertime pretty much always makes me feel like a failure, even though my toddler is relatively accommodating of eating with us, and generally eating what we eat. Do you have suggestions for how to keep dinner warm between the time it's ready and the time we're ready? Soups and slow cooker meals sit just fine, but I'm notoriously bad at taking things out of the oven when my husband gets home, only to find that they're lukewarm when he gets changed out of his work clothes!
Sheryl says
YES!! To all of it. Excellent post, as usual. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Not praying TO your toddlers, very good point.
For true SAFETY- why not invest in flameless candles? They come in all sizes and all colors. Even if it takes a few years to find and acquire flameless candles in all colors and sizes fitting for every occasion, it is a worthwhile goal, yes?
I have always thought the whole “have to go out” for date night for couples with small children and on a tight budget (who isn't on a tight budget these days) was a silly and down right mean idea. Only outcome is causing envy and discontent with a lovely if somewhat chaotic time of life. My two cents from my 57-year-old perspective.
_Leila says
Dear Sheryl, thanks so much for your warm comment! I am always a little afraid when someone even further down the road than I (well, a little), reads. I am so clueless, sometimes.
I do think that there is something indispensable about a real candle. There is something that inspires wonder, and can't be replaced, just as a real fire in the hearth is something everyone should experience (and is, for some, harder to come by than a candle). Please read this post http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org//2009/11/advent-beginning-of-wonder.html” target=”_blank”> ” target=”_blank”> http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org//2009/11/advent-beginning-of-wonder.html
for a little explanation about why real candles should be a part of your everyday life.
And thanks for the affirmation on date night. I could even say more about it — it's such a stressful idea for a family with a new baby!
Jenny says
Maybe my children are just odd, but we have never really had much trouble getting them to sit at the table to eat with us. My 19 month old is good in the high chair for up to an hour sometimes. Now we don't really snack between meals, so they learn early on if food is to be had, they better eat it at mealtime. Nursing isn't considered a snack though. And YES! nurse at the table!
Honestly the one we have the most trouble with at supper is the six-year-old oldest. She barely holds still, makes the biggest mess (on her face and the table), and flipped the chair the other day. We have even threatened her with belting her into the chair. She also struggles with not being the center of attention. I think this is an effect of being the oldest. We taught them to say, “Excuse me” when they needed to interrupt a conversation. So now we have two little girls on a sometimes unending loop saying, “Excuse me, Mommy. Excuse me, Mommy. Excuse me, Mommy.” as we try to ignore them and converse.
I have caught myself looking at the babies during the blessing. The 19m old started clasping his hands during the blessing maybe six weeks ago. I had to deliberately make myself look away. Ohh the cuteness of it all. And completely agree about date night. I've not understood why anyone feels the need to leave an infant with a babysitter. That's not to say we never go out. A few times a year without the children is nice, but weekly? Ummm no.
Anitra says
Wow, Jenny, I am right there with you! Except our oldest is only 3. “Excuse me… excuse me… excuse me…” in between the 1-year-old making all sorts of noise. It might not bother me so much, but we'll stop our (attempted) conversation, tell her she can speak, and then it's
that
agonizing
slowness
while
she
thinks
of something to say.
We are trying to teach that it is “excuse me” and then if we say “please wait, I am [talking to daddy]”, she needs to wait patiently without continuing the “excuse me” loop. It sometimes works, which gives me hope!
RubberChickenGirl says
“So, is he… your god?”
I had to think, “Is she saying what I think she's saying?”
“Why, yes, she is!”
Oh how I love you, Auntie Leila!
You always say what needs to be said.
It seems so innocent to promote narcissism in toddlers, but it's not so lovely fruit to swallow in a 20 yo. Believe me.
RCG
Kh. Patty says
“And we would talk right over the din, right through it, sometimes even running away from it.”
Yes! This is what we do every night at dinner! We've always had family meals together, and since I was never coordinated enough to feed a “nursery supper” type thing before the current one (who now has a bedtime, so it's more obvious when he just needs to eat something and then go to sleep!), we always had QUITE the din. But I so looked forward to my husband coming home that we'd just ignore the little buggers and have a wonderful time talking to each other—yes, because I could never manage to leave the kids for date night (financial and emotional reasons!), so better get some quality time in at the dinner table. 🙂
Oh, I so can't wait for the “what to feed toddlers” and “when to move on from simple home-cooked kid food” post! It's funny, but I've always tried to feed a variety of things to our kids (well, they self feed as soon as they are able to pick things up), but now that we've been having more oatmeal and mashed potatoes, the 1y.o. gravitates to the “baby food” textures! Of course he eats other things too, he just consumes vast quantities of oatmeal and mashed potatoes when available! My first two must have been (and maybe my middle still is) so hungry for some good old mushy stuff!
I'm on to #4 soon, so maybe this little one will benefit from all this fabulous advice—the others are benefiting too… in the form of more general household order and happy siblings, which makes a happy Mommy!
mamabearjd says
Thanks for talking about date night. I feel like many of the women I know have barely given birth before they are off, on a plane, for a couples weekend without the baby. I never wanted to do that. I still don't want to do that. With one couple it seems like the more “me” time they had, the more trouble they had transitioning back to the needs of their small children, children they tried desperately to have. It was sad.
The table advice is so good. We've picked up some bad habits lately that we are working on for Lent. I would add to the advice – if Dad comes home late, it is tempting to feed the children and then clean up or tend to the baby without sitting down with them – and that always spells trouble for us. Sometimes I eat a small salad, or more often I will have a glass of wine while I sit with them. Sitting together with one parent keeps the jokes from veering into potty territory and keeps everyone from hopping up at whim.
Jennifer4 says
What a great post! I love how accurately you remember when your kids were so little. It allows you to be so encouraging and helpful. Often when I hear advice from women who have “been there, done that,” it seems to be based on memories that are a lot less messy and challenging than reality. I have been keeping journals so that I can look back from that nice dinner conversation with older children and say, “Oh, yeah. That is what things used to be like!”
Serene in Singapore says
Love your parenting tips! I like what you said about date night being overrated. I hated leaving my young children behind especially since I was nursing and was never sure if the baby would bottle feed. However that became a source of contention between dh and me. But over the years logistically (we have 7) it has been easier to just put the kids to bed earlier and spend time together AT HOME. But now with teenagers in the horizon things are going to change again 🙂
Emma says
Thank you for talking about date night, Leila! The first night my husband and I went out without our daughter (then about 6 months), we went to a bookstore, bought a book with quotes about daughters (“My Daughter, My Joy” – so soppy!), and I sat reading quotes over coffee, and yes, we both cried. It was such a relief to go home. We have four now, that precious girl is our only daughter and was followed by three darling boys. We go out occasionally, but as you said, I cannot enjoy a night out unless they happily wave goodbye. Oh, and I agree about the praying. We did not do that as often when the first one was little, since we were still learning, but now I think the little ones do not know that you can eat before praying – they take hands and wait even when we are at friends (they just turned four). I pray that they will not know a day without knowing God. And when we said, as teenagers, to my dad – “it is just a habit, Dad”, he answered – “Even if it is just a habit, and it isn't, at least it is a good habit.” (Your posts have sustained me now for almost 2 years, so glad to have found you. Everyone needs an American surrogate Auntie!)
Jenny says
Thinking more about 'date night,' I remember the one time I left one of my little babies with someone who was not Daddy. My third baby was 6m old and a happy, friendly baby. My father invited my husband and I and my brother and his wife to a college bowl game and my mother would stay home and babysit my three kids. I hadn't been to a football game in years and decided to go. I felt a little uneasy about it but figured everything would be fine. I packed my manual breastpump and bottles in the purse and had to pump twice in a stadium bathroom. Yuck! And then we got back home and discovered the night had been a disaster. Although he was happy when we left, as soon as he figured out we were actually gone, my son spent the whole night crying. His big sisters were a great help in not only trying to comfort their brother, but helping Grandma by getting themselves ready for bed and going to sleep without arguing. But it was all to no avail because he cried until he exhausted himself and fell asleep. I was proud of the girls, but I will never leave my baby again!
Ana says
Oh Auntie Leila! That was a great read and great advice. I just had my 5th child 2 months ago. My oldest is 16 and youngest is 8yrs old before this last little one. There's so much I've forgotten about having a baby. My pregnancy and delivery were very high risk and dramatic. I was not well for a long time. Baby was very petite and has not gained weight as fast as my others. So, in order to recuperate and cope the best I could baby has been sleeping in bed with me at night. She is 2 months old now and just will not sleep anywhere but with me or the swing or sling.
Part of me says to just enjoy this time, it will pass–somehow my 4 other children are sleeping in their own beds. The other side of me is starting to freak out and wonder how I ever got a baby to sleep in their crib. Her crib is in our room which is not the quietest. She still nurses a couple times a night. I believe she has some reflux so we have wedged the mattress of her crib so it's at an angle. But the crib has done nothing more than collect dust. Would you mind sharing your thoughts on this? I keep second guessing myself all the time and carry all this guilt for not having her sleeping in her own crib. I hope this was the right place to ask a question! I enjoy all your posts so much! Blessings!
_Leila says
Ana, no second guessing! The baby needs lots of warmth from you, lots of nursing, lots of holding. No thinking about the crib for a good while yet. Just relax and enjoy and know that this is exactly what your baby needs. If you weren't doing this, your doctor would be making you do all sorts of things to be sure that the baby gains and develops! It's completely utterly normal for a 2 month old, even one not particularly petite, to wake up several times to nurse.
And think how tired you would be if you had to get up too! Which you would have to, as she needs these feedings to get to where she ought to be.
Check back in a while to see about naps. You can email me if you like – leila at gmail. com
God bless you all!
erin says
Just want to let you know you're not alone: my six month old is sleeping on me right now! I'm trying to remember that it does pass (she's my third baby and they've all slept better with me for the first 12-18 months!) and enjoy her preciousness, even if it means I am far less productive as I laze around with her sleeping on me! If she was sleeping alone, I'd miss all the precious little sighs and the soft, warm baby skin against me. 🙂
Anitra says
Maybe it's because I only have 2, or maybe it's because they tend to focus on their food, but I don't have too much of a problem getting them to sit still for dinner (within reason… the 13-month-old does occassionally throw things). But I get really stressed out trying to get all the food out onto the table and get the table set. My current solution is to lock the baby into his high chair with a few bites so he's not underfoot while I'm walking back and forth. The 3-year-old wants to help (most days) but I'm scared if she pulls out the silverware drawer, it's either going to fall on her or pinch her fingers!
I also get stressed out with the cleanup afterward. The baby is finally learning that taking the bib off does not mean that he can immediately run away – I have to wipe him off first. But then I have two kids running around underfoot while I'm trying to clean the table and the highchair – I don't even TRY to do the dishes right after dinner; instead I wait until I've gotten them into some other independent activity… or, at worst, I wait until they're sleeping.
Regarding date nights:
I know that personally, my husband and I have a hard time focusing on each other if we're still in the house (whether or not the kids are asleep). There's always too many other things that need to be done. So, we try to set aside time & money once or twice a month to get a babysitter and get OUT – whether it's by ourselves or for an adults-only night with friends. It's about connecting with each other but also about doing SOMETHING that doesn't revolve around our kids and our other responsibilities.
If our favorite babysitters won't be available, or if life is just getting too crazy, then we have a “night in” where we may watch a movie or play a game together… but we still need to get out of the house without kids sometimes!
Maybe it's just because my kids are more outgoing or easy-going, but they rarely have problems being left with a babysitter. There have been a few memorable occasions, but most times, they're happily waving goodbye. 🙂
Katie Jones says
Thank you so much for this post. I have a toddler and a baby right now and always find hope, encouragement, and guidance from your words.
Phyllis says
Sigh. I'm looking forward to your next post. I feel like I've already failed with this stage. We have four children, ages 8 and under. My husband almost never eats with us. That's partly due to his schedule, but also he just doesn't want to. He can't do the “talk right over the din” thing. I think I'm doing pretty well with meals, but they don't feel like family meals without Papa. And I don't think he'll have any desire to join us until we have calm, quiet adult conversation and no sliding down from the seats, spilling, and giggling under the table.
carrien says
I still find the deliberate attempt to go out on a date without any of our children strained. We're so used to having them around, and we have no problem having conversations at home, over top of them sometimes, ignoring the toddler who is fussing because he wants something he's not allowed to have, reminding them to wait their turn and not interrupt at others, and of course, after they are in bed, that when we get out somewhere just the 2 of us we stare across the table wondering what to say because the situation feels so contrived.
erin says
I am so glad to read the advice to take your baby with you rather than leave him. I fully agree that babies need their mamas! And the nursing the baby at the dinner table – yep, I'm right there at that stage!
Colby Storck says
I had to laugh at your kids standing on the high chair. My kids had a proclivity for standing on their chairs at the table. I couldn't get over that, but apparently C.S. Lewis said it's a trait common to children. Who knew? Friends had a toddler who they insisted sit down in his high chair, and he said “I may be sitting down, but I'm standing up in my heart.”
_Leila says
Colby, that is awesome. “I'm standing up in my heart”!!! That's why I admit I allowed it sometimes, though it's not safe mothering!
Celeste says
When I was a toddler, I was standing up facing backwards in my seat. My dad made a “turn around and sit down” motion with his finger pointing down. I responded with a “turn around and stand up” motion!