{This was the first post in this series. The other ones are linked at the end, so don't worry.}
Life where Sunday worship and some sort of rest are paramount is very different from life where it's optional and often you make Sunday another working day. There's no way to explain how the Spirit will calm you and set you on your way with this commitment.You just have to make the commitment and then experience the result.
If you're one of those slacker families I talked about above, you'll never get there because you won't like each other very much. Having never set any standards or created any order — having never cultivated manners, civility, pleasant speaking voices, sitting still, and listening — you can hardly expect to enjoy your time together.
For now, we'll talk about having dinner together as a family.
{Here are the two posts about that: Dinner when they are young and Dinner with the Barbarians.}
{The third secret.}
{The final secret.}
lauren says
You can't DO that to me! Not give me the third secret? I'm itching to know!! How long must I wait?
tara says
Did she ever post it? I searched and can't find anything.
Erin says
I have a young family still, although my oldest is less than a year from his second decade. We are learning this these days. Life is so much better with meals together around the table. Most days we all sit down for three meals together. That gives lots of time to correct and to commend manners, to learn to have a good conversation, to just be together as a family. Good things. I look forward to reading your thoughts. 🙂
Jennifer says
Wonderful post! My five kids wouldn't know what to do with themselves if we didn't celebrate the Sabbath every Sunday. They have gone to worship and rested every Sunday of their lives and I see how they would have a hard time functioning if it were a “normal” work day. They find security in Sunday coming every 7 days.
Joanie says
Thanks for the eye-candy, Leila! Such gorgeous fabrics. Can we have the third secret, please, along with some captions of your rooms? And soon? Please?
Tracy says
This may sound ridiculous, but until I read this, I had not actually realized that there is a second decade to this raising family thing. At least not one without rowdy 8 yr old boys. Honestly. How did that happen?
I can't tell you how much I appreciate you articulating the “paradoxical state of mind” to aim at. I've been plugging away at instilling civility, but have been despairing that it seems not to stick.
Thank you! You have given me hope and renewed my will to keep plugging away.
Mrs.B says
The second decade comes QUICKLY…it's exactly as she describes. Get prepared. We weren't…thankfully there is grace & mercy and we still have little ones too…not just older ones.
God help us all. Families are failing all over the place…
Tiffany says
Well, this might be my favorite of your posts. Which is saying Quite A Lot. Your photography is a contemplative place all its own. Thank you, Leila!
Chickensinmykitchen says
Oh my gracious, it's like you can hear the mess that is the inside of my head. I completely agree that all of us young parents who truly desire to build a strong family are desperately flailing around wishing for someone with experience to tell us how to do this in a way that works. And is reasonable. And is very probably common sense, but there is no one around to pass that down for a lot of us. They are mostly divorced, or made a mess of it. I don't mean that in a critical way, just a matter of fact way. I consider myself very lucky that my in-laws have a long and happy marriage. Unfortunately, my mother-in-law really tries not to tell me what to do! (Frankly, I wish she would boss me around a little more!) You are doing us a huge service here, truly.
Kathleen Jaeger says
My mother-in-law is the same!! She does not tell me what to do but I would gladly hear her advice — so I watch her & glean. And then I read here — I think she would agree with much of what is spoken here.
Amanda says
I completely agree with all of this! And I've been trying to get the whole eating-together thing to work too 🙂 We finally have a nice table big enough for all of us and any guests so now we just need to use it consistently, lol!
Question, how do family dinners look when Dad works evenings? My husband works 4-5 nights a week, getting home after bedtime (8:30-10pm-ish) so mostly family dinners consist of myself and a preschooler and a toddler, not quite what I'd always envisioned.
Sarah says
Could you make the meal your husband eats before he leaves be the family meal? Is he home for an early lunch? Even a deliberate breakfast together on a regular basis can be wonderful.
_Leila says
Amanda, I will write about dinner and toddlers. It can be really difficult with dedicated Dads who work hard to keep the family going and let Mama stay home. Just hang in there and try breakfasts if you can, and don't worry, because God sees you and your situation and will honor your desires.
Anne says
my family does family breakfast instead of family- dinner because my husband is home late. I wait and eat dinner with him. Most mornings we just have cereal, but I try to do 2-3 fancier ones a week (eggs, pancakes, waffles, etc.). We all sit down together, earlier than I want to be awake but it is so worth the effort. During the week it is the only time the kids see their dad, so we try to make it nice, even though that can be a struggle. The kids love it if we light candles (this started by doing the advent wreath at breakfast)!
carrien says
“Get your advice from the Holy Spirit! Tailor made for your exact situation, courtesy of the All Seeing and All Mighty!”
The wisest advice of all. 🙂
Gertie_the_Cat says
I'm hooked, Auntie Leila! We're expecting our first child & this is great timing. Thank you!
Mirissa says
Thank you for this. We do go to church on Sundays, but never make it a family day. Probably because my husband often leaves town Saturday-Wed, so family day without Daddy seems flat. But a day of rest and relaxation? We can do that!
As for dinner, we always eat together, unless someone is spending the night elsewhere. We've been getting fed up with our kids inability to remember simple manners and complaints about dinner. I think we finally have the latter under control, but have yet to get the former. And then last night I had had it with calling people endlessly to dinner. I fed the one child who showed up (and the toddler) and endured big tears from the other two who'd missed dinner. My oldest was quite upset that she'd missed dinner (not the food, the company), so I guess our family dinners are sinking in.
_Leila says
Mirissa, yes, even if Dad isn't always there on Sunday, it's still the Lord's day. The children will remember… and maybe Dad can call on that day for some “family” time!
Sue says
Amen, sister. We've been a part of a church in the past that has meetings and teenager choir on Sundays, and it was sooooo hard to have a day of rest or family meal on Sundays with those extra committments. I caution against over-church-programming your Sundays, and I heartily concur with your sentiments here!
Emily says
This can be so hard! I grew up in a church like this – if you were really “committed” you pretty much had to live at church all day Sunday. Now one of the things that I appreciate MOST about our church is that the only thing we do on Sunday is attend mass. Then we enjoy coffee and bagels afterward while the children run around with their friends, and then we go home for naps. So much better!
_Leila says
Sunday can't be a “doing” day — even at Church. Religion classes and meetings can be on other days. Sundays are for worship and rest!
Laura says
I am going to love this series. Eating together has always been a struggle for us. Can't wait to hear the 3rd secret!
Lori @ IMK,IML says
Your points are apt, Leila. In parenting, we don't really know how well we're doing until we've gotten pretty far through the process. That's what makes it vital, I think, to look at families that treat one another the way you hope yours will one day behave and ask their advice and LISTEN. Above that, of course, is to follow God's Word. He knows a thing or two about families, since He created them.
Lacey says
I wish I could adequately express how HELPFUL your posts are to me, Auntie Leila! Honestly, in practically everything that I think of needing help with (and lots of things I hadn't even thought of until you wrote about them) you have given me so much practical guidance and food for thought. THANK YOU!
Mary says
Great advice! I am about to open the third decade of our family and still have a one year old! We enjoy our family Sundays and have to battle outside attractions to keep the focus on spending time together as a family. Really looking forward to the third bit of advice…
Thank you!
dweej {House Unseen} says
I can't wait for tip #3! Sweet torture….. 🙂
Emily says
Oh Auntie Leila, I love how you're always telling us to hold that impossible paradox in mind. Keep that glorious vision! Don't despair because you're not there! But keep that vision! 🙂 You're absolutely right of course, but oh it can be hard!!!
Tonight we're going to have dinner as a family, and the children will wiggle and talk with their mouth full and interrupt each other and get up without being excused. And sometimes they'll get sent to sit against the wall until they can remember how to behave at the table! But mostly we'll talk and laugh and enjoy each other, and it will be a good thing.
(I want to know what point #3 is!!!!!!!!)
Patty says
We are in our second decade of family life and I can assure everyone reading (and shock no one) AUNTIE LEILA IS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!!!!! And thanks be to God our children still like to be at home with us! We did something right! Hooray!
Judy says
We're putting aside electronic media on Sundays, too. We already do that at family dinners, which should go without saying, but somehow doesn't always anymore.. So we will talk, laugh, hang out with the real live people in the house with us. 🙂 Although I like to blog on Sundays, so this might be hardest on Mom–lol.
Thank you for your encouraging post. We have first, second, and third decade (and the next generation getting started) in this family, and sometimes I just get so TIRED. It helps to hear from someone who has been there/is right there with me reminding me to stick with it and turn to the Holy Spirit. God bless you and your family.
_Leila says
Good for you, Judy. You notice that we don't blog on Sundays! 🙂
Betsy M says
Leila, I loved your post as always. So much to ponder. By the way, are you working on that book yet? I have a half dozen people to whom I want to gift it to but in two years it may be to late. {BTW, I mean that in an encouraging and not a nagging way.}
Brit says
I love this post and look forward to the next ones too. Our oldest son is pulling us into our second decade as a family and I'm not entirely ready for it. One commitment my husband and I made from day one was to always eat dinner together as a family. I can honestly say we succeed about 95% of the time. It actually feels odd when we don't. (Once in a while my husband and I will start eating with just the baby while the boys are busy doing something else to have a couple minutes of quiet conversation, but that only lasts a few moments until they come running.) We are working on the Sunday part … I can't wait to hear the third secret!
Andrea says
The family table is such a sacred thing. It must be protected. Many people do not realize the power of the family dinner table. I love this!
Lisa G. says
Ah, that third secret is always the bugger, isn't it? ha ha! ;->
I love this post. And, your little red bird. Your enameled cups. Nappy-haired doll. Yellow walls. Beeswax candle. Pretty fabric. Bridget's (?) bedroom.
God bless.
Laura says
First, I just love your beautiful yellow tablecloth. So sunny. Next, do you have any advice for a pastor's family on celebrating the Sabbath? My husband wakes at 5:30 on Sunday to head to church (work) and is gone when the children and I wake. I get all the little ones ready and head to church for Sunday School and late service. We usually have time to eat together before the pastor heads back to work for the rest of the day. It is easily the most stressful day of the week for us.
Sarah says
My husband is our church's musician and Sunday is very stressful at our house. When our children were young I made a priority of a beautiful Sunday lunch. Even if Dad only had an hour at home I made sure we spent most of it at the table together. The children and I could linger at the table over tea (as they got older) and then have a home-centered afternoon. Now that the children are grown and gone he and I transfer our sabbath. We start at dinner on Sunday and take 24 hours out of the world, until Monday late afternoon. No computers, no handling money, lots of good food and naps and long walks. This sabbath is the center of our lives.
We are Episcopalian, and so our clergy are often married. The happier clergy families I know maintain good marriages and close families by creating an alternate family sabbath, since Sunday is a work day for those who provide the worship. Sometimes it has to be as short as Sunday evenings, but if you take it seriously enough it can still be quite effective.
priest's wife says
It is a very busy day for us, too and my husband has a non-clergy job to pay the bills that takes 50+ hours a week in addition to our 2 missions- we try to do a lot of picnics- but it would be nice to do things a little more predictably
Kh. Patty says
I hear you all! Sunday is my most tiring day getting through Liturgy with my three little ones without Daddy (especially as I get more pregnant!). I would love to do the “big Sunday dinner” thing (a roast or something, you know?), but I just can't most Sundays. But it still feels different to me somehow. Daddy is home (after church, of course), we have lots more coffee, linger around our scrambled eggs at 2PM, watch a movie or something together. We also try to reserve Friday night as family night, and honestly, we don't go out too much on Saturdays either! So we get our Sunday family time here and there over the weekend. Some day, if my husband doesn't need to have a secular job, we'd love to take Monday off!
womanofthehouse says
We are well into our second and have begun our third decade as a family and I can attest that you are right, Leila. *So much* that is good happens at the family table and by making Sunday worship a priority. I'm looking forward to the third key!
priest's wife says
eating together even on Sundays is quite difficult with our schedules- but it's time to force the issue
I also don't usually sit down with the kids for lunch- I'm an introvert- I'd rather serve them lunch and then read a book- That has GOT to change- thanks for convicting me
Elizabeth N. says
I can't wait for #3 either! Also, what is the general take on watching football or baseball together as a familly (in terms of family leisure)?
_Leila says
Elizabeth N., read the post I linked to about Sundays. I think that you can do what YOU, as a family, would like to do! If it's rest, then I'm all for it. If it interferes and divides, then think again. If it helps ease your conscience, we ourselves are a sports-loving family 🙂 But my dear husband would gladly set aside a game on TV to go on a hike or play outside with the kids. See?
Elizabeth N says
Whew! I'm glad to have your approval! I told Annie, mostly jokingly, that your parenting advice has formed that section of my conscience. We probably have similar viewing habbits as your family. Now that football is over (we were agonizing about it yesterday…SEVEN months without it!) we can keep the tv basically off until baseball season. It is so fun to watch Jonathan teach Max about sports. “Eli does tackles on the fields mama!” By the way, if you're Patriots fans, I am only a Giants fan by marriage (a Steelers fan by birth). Also, we are all excited about #3….just a little nag with love.
Jennifer says
Gosh. Thank you so, so much for your wise and encouraging words. You share your experience with such generosity. While we have been following the two rules of life that you mentioned above, it is so nice to hear that we might be doing it right! Ha! I have to say that I think it's kind of aweful that so many mothers don't pass along this advice to their own children or encourage their own children. May God bless you abundantly Auntie Leila!
Kelley says
Great post! I was just thinking how worldly and intimidating for a family the world can be. thanks for the encouragement and focus.
shwell says
I am not commenting on the post just yet, but I LOVE IT how you slip in a picture of the doll – you know which one I mean – that was mentioned several posts ago and many people wanted to see. I think I remember that you weren't sure if you should show it or not.
anyway your wisdom is like these photos, when you least expect it you slip in a nugget (not like small but like gold) and sometimes I miss it on the first read. I am learning to pay attention.
We are on the cusp of the second decade, and I hope we are doing it right.
I always think that Motherhood should come with knee pads, for your trousers and for your soul.
Rachael says
I'm lucky that, mostly by accident rather than design, we have always eaten dinner as a family. It is only now that my eldest 2 are in that 2nd decade that I see just how crucial this is to our family and would insist upon it if it became an issue. It is often the only point of real connection for us during the day. It is not always pretty, but that's how real relationships are built – like any building project, sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better!
My only New Year resolution this year was to have sit down family breakfasts too (nothing difficult, toast and cereal is fine!) instead of the previous free for all so now we meet at the start of the day too with a nicely though simply set table. This has been a great addition to our family culture.
If any of you can't “impose” family dinners because you are currently over commited elsewhere, I can recommend the breakfast option as a starting point while you gradually deal with pulling back from some of the other madness! Please do this. It is so worth it.
Phyllis says
I'm excited to read the rest of what you have to say here! Why is it that there is so little being written about that second decade? I can find plenty of “in the trenches” kinds of blogs by moms of little ones; where are the older moms and families?
I grew up in a family that always ate together, and I kind of thought that just happened. I can't remember much of what the first decade was like, because I was little. Now we're approaching our second decade as parents, and you're giving me hope that maybe we will have (good) meals together soon. I was beginning to give up hope. Because of the ages of our children, even though we're actually getting close to the second decade–our oldest is 8–I feel like we're still a young family. Meals are so chaotic! We'll keep at it, though, and maybe someday they'll be the peaceful, interesting, fun fellowship that I remember from my growing up years.
Lori @ IMK,IML says
I may be off-base, but I think the reasons less is written about the second decade are:
1. What Leila said — falling-apart families. People rarely give advice when they feel things disintegrating around them.
2. Even when a family is doing well, I think most parents realize a there-but-for-the-grace-of-God-go-I understanding much more strongly than they may have when their children were young. Raising a family is one of the most humbling undertakings there is. I know I feel that I both know MORE and know LESS than I did when mine were young.
_Leila says
Yes, Lori, it's sad for someone like me to be dishing out this stuff, because I hardly know what I'm talking about. But in the spirit of being the one holding the bag, I try! In other words, there but for the grace of God go I.
amy says
It seems that the blogs I've observed, the older children (and the issues of raising them) simply have less blog time for reasons of privacy. I've noticed that the older children on Soulemama 'approve' post's before they are published. Live blogging in the trenches with teens would probably just be too much out there on the web. 🙂
adailyportion says
Leila– YES!!!!!
We are edging into that second decade, and quite honestly I'm already seeing a glimmer of the benefits of making it a quiet given, all these years, that except in rare cases, we're around the table at the end of the day. It is just what we do.
But you know, a little mean to not reveal the third secret.
sue says
“If there were a natural sacrament, this would be it. If there is a model for problem solving, this is it. People gathering who love each other, talking things over, enjoying silliness and good stories, appreciating food lovingly prepared (however simple): This is it!”
I don't think it's a mere coincidence that Our Lord gave us the Eucharist at the last supper. At the supper table! I can't wait for the third secret!
Thais says
Sorry, I'm brazilian and I don't speak english very well.
Oh, I'm just a doughter, the older of 3, and my family is already almost destroyed. I started my way in the Catholic Church 3 yars ago because of this, when my parents aparted them. I don't know how to really help my family, but this post show me that I will never get this when I'm not discipline myself. Thank you!
priest's wife says
the first way to help your family is to pray for them! then- show them by example how to live a Godly, calm life. You can begin by living the liturgical year of the Church. Good luck!
_Leila says
Thais, it's exciting to get a Brazilian comment! Do live your Sundays well, and all will be well! God bless.
Melissa J. says
Wise and wonderful, as always, Leila. Thank you.
kimberlee says
Lovely post, as always. I love your summary: “That you aim for that paradoxical state of mind with your young family that consists 1.) in setting standards and expecting them to be met and simultaneously, without any relaxation of your glorious vision, 2.) that you not despair over meltdowns, naughtiness, wiggling, squabbling, and general chaos.” Because isn't that kind of how the Lord treats us – He sets His standards and expects us, longs for us, to meet them, but He does not despair when we fail miserably, even over and over again. He simply continues to help us along, guiding us, forgiving us, and leading us on our way.
Katie says
Faith and family meals were the glue that held our family together. I can't imagine what our lives would be like with out this evening routine. So much was/is shared. Problems identified, shared and solved…or left to work on. The everyday events we all shared which lead to discussions of choices made good or bad. Laughter, teasing, spilled milk, schedules….I don't know how we would have made it through those years without “family Meals”
emily b says
Leila, thank you. Keep them coming! (No pressure, though. 🙂
With love, Emily B
Lisa says
Moms, put down the parenting books and read Auntie Leila. The beauty of the family… the relationships within the family… the absolute focus on faith…gentleness…roles of father and mother….scour this blog you young moms especially. I believe my family's life would be much more peaceful had I been able to learn from Auntie about 17 years ago. But as she says, start where you are! Love to auntie.
Amy says
Auntie Lelia is absolutely right! We are starting our 3rd decade as family and I can honestly say that family meals consistently and Sunday worship as a family are what has kept our family close. Even with our older two at college, we ALL look forward to those rare family meals where everyone is together. They would much rather be at home around the table than at a restaurant.
I wish I had had Auntie Lelia when I was a young mom trying to figure it all out. I am an only child of divorced, non-Christian parents so not a lot of knowledge in how to do the a family dinner or Sunday worship and rest. By God's grace my husband and I determined early on that these were important and did them.
Keep your wonderful posts coming!
Aquinashomeschool says
Brilliant! What a great reminder that not deciding who your family is really is a decision too.
Pax Christi,
Carla
justamouse says
Good cats in trees, #1 and #2 are it. I know you are right from experience, but I never, ever, could have articulated it.
I only have one-ok maybe more, examples. My Aunt, when she was about 6, took all of my Nana's china out of the cabinet, and cleaned it with pledge. Nan thanked her, showered her with praise, and when Aunt went to bed, took it all out, washed it, and put it away again.
We are straddling the first to the second decade, and you are completely right. I fell into knowing this by accident (not really, though, it was God's grace) when my own Chief was working 18 hour days, with one day off a week, and I held his one day off sacred to us and allowed no one-not even his mother-to take it from him. So on Sunday, we spent the day together, relaxing, every Sunday. We ate dinner together because the kids had one parent at home, moi, and I ate dinner with them. I had too many kids to have everyone shooting off everywhere to clubs, so all of that was at a minimum because we just couldn't do it.
All if that inability to do it any other way and survive, set our habits wonderfully for the second decade. Now no one joins anything because they love spending Sunday together. Now they're home for dinner because dinner is fun, and we love each other. You are so right.
Lori says
What a fantastic (and much needed) reminder!
We have 5 (almost 6) lil' ones, the oldest being 10 ~ things have slipped in a bit over the past few years….
Our dinner time had become a time of stress, frustration & a basic sense of “hurry up and get this part over with”! NOT what we desired, yet we had allowed it to become. Ugh.
Looking forward to taking this time back for our family! Also looking forward to your third secret….:)
Lynn says
I was going to email you about this very thing! Dinner with squirmy, finicky 2 yr old and a nursing baby makes me wish for a nanny and separate meal times. I think we lean toward making the mistakes of that second Fam, expecting perfection and getting frustrated. No fun! Good reminder to keep a sense of humor. So, keep the meal short, carry on conversation with DH and toddler, and trust that she will eventually eat what I serve and sit for longer than 8 minutes?
Karen says
Amen.
Anitra says
Wow Auntie Leila! “No one can imagine a time when the children don't climb the walls but do interact with others” – this is totally where I am, EVERY DAY! I read parenting advice and it's all either for infants or for grade-schoolers, with almost nothing in-between. In-between is where I am right now, though, with a 1-year-old and a 3-year-old.
We do dinners together as a family whenever possible. When daddy is home, he reads the Bible after dinner and we practice some memory verses. The 2-3 days he isn't home, I just want dinner to be over with, because I can't cope with the needs of two young diners and also read/discuss/whatever.
Any recommendations on HOW Sunday can possibly be a day of rest when there is are multiple young children in the picture? We usually spend close to 4 hours away from home Sunday morning, and by the time we get home, I think we'd all like to eat a simple meal and rest, but the 3 year old is already asleep, the 1 year old takes JUST enough of a nap in the car to be awake and grumpy for a few hours… I find myself daily longing for the day when their nap schedules can line up and I can have more than 5 minutes to myself to just rest…
Amy says
Thank you Leila!
This is so timely. My husband and I were just this morning reading Isaiah 57 or 58 and were talking about the Sabbath…and our lack thereof. Someone else commented about wondering if you had advice for a pastor's family. My husband is a pastor and I would love to know about this as well. We've been in ministry for 8 years and I still can't get used to the nontraditional schedule. His day off is Monday, so sometimes we try to “take it off” as a family, and other times we don't. By Monday, though, my husband and I are all worn out, and the boys are bouncing off the walls and going crazy from being off schedule with the weekend (we homeschool). 😉 Honestly, we just don't know how to spend it. It is easily and regularly the most stressful day of the week, and neither of us know quite how to remedy the situation. I don't know whether to treat Sunday as a Sabbath for the family, and my husband can join us when he can, or “skip school” and treat Monday as the Sabbath to spend with my husband.
Amy
Kh. Patty says
Whew! Thanks for posting something I'm generally good at all ready! 😉 I can't imagine anything other than family dinners (we always had them growing up, so I know no different). And we've always been the family (growing up, and now) that goes to church every Sunday, even on vacation, EVEN on our honeymoon—multiple times! Haha. That's what I get for marrying a man who was going to be a priest. 🙂 Of course, I was the one who suggested we attend the church picnic after Sunday liturgy on our honeymoon in a far-away town where we knew no one and would never be back!
Question: I suspect I may be on the perfectionistic side of the examples. How do you keep the vision in front of your kids without nagging, etc.? I always find myself barking at my kids to stand up straight or stay seated or what have you. I don't despair in general, but at the time… my words sure sound like it! Of course, with each new child, I find myself accepting the struggle more and more patiently administering (firmer!) discipline. Maybe that's how it is….
sibyl says
Oh, the second decade. I'm right in the thick of it — I wasn't ready! i'm not ready to be the mom of older kids! We are supposed to just keep having tiny nursing babies for the rest of our lives! Nonetheless, my youngest is now three and my oldest is almost fifteen, and I find I am experiencing a sense of dimness; what's my role now? What's my purpose now, when everyone can put on their own shoes and I've been reminding people to chew with their mouths closed for fourteen years!!!
I can't second strongly enough the need to stay close to the Lord in prayer. It is my frequent experience that in the midst of worry (and sometimes anguish) about a kid's behavior, problems, future, whatever, it will suddenly occur to me: why haven't I prayed about this? Why haven't I been asking God what to do about this, and what His will is for this kid, or for our family?
The world is just waiting to rip us away from the Lord, not by violence, but by dull insistent repetition. A good reminder to me to stay close to God!
LIbby Jane says
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I don't mind if your next secret takes a while. I'll chew on this one.
(Leila, I have been looking for a woman like you at our church for years! To follow around, and watch and listen to. good thing you let us all do that here. My friends and I call each other and discuss your posts!)
This sounds so clueless, but I'm not sure which type of family we would be. I think it might be possible to fall into both errors at once! Definitely self-concious and aware of our parenting, and trying very hard. Simultaneously, half-hazard in execution. You know how inconsistency will drive lab rats mad? Aren't first children inevitably our test pigs?
As in art, where the powers of observation so painfully precede the powers of execution; I can see with increasing focus what we want, what works, and with equal and unsettling clarity what is happening.
But that long range perspective is so what I need. To realize, Ok, I've figured something out–now I'll work on it for a while, and it will get better. To see us overall, who they and we are becoming, rather than getting lost in the morass of those terrible afternoons that happen and seem to go on for eternity!
And the guidance of God! Amen to that! It's amazing how things inside my mind and heart and relationships sort out when I come to my senses and remember to ask for help!
thanks again.
Amanda says
I'm excited to hear secret three, and also some tips for mamas who are solo parenting on how to keep dinner and Sabbath observances up when Daddy is away? Or when Daddy Often works swing and night shifts?
Josette says
Thank you for this! God has been putting this conviction in my heart to parent purposefully and gracefully…to make each moment count! Thanks for the encouragement!
Katie says
Thank you for yet another great post! I am eagerly looking forward to the post on dinner with toddlers and babies when Daddy works late (and that third secret!).
Mary says
I don't know if you experienced this Leila, but having children that span from late teen to infant puts all of this into perspective. You realize the things that should be relaxed and things that need to be tightly curbed. Is it God's plan maybe that we mess up a bit with the first few then, when we have had a few more and are exhausted, we see what is truly the “way to do it”? This works out well, I think, because the elder ones learn the “new” way by watching and the young ones believe that the “new way” was always “THE way”. So the good way lasts. If that makes sense! A mother's true true calling is to have many many children even if she thinks she can't take it. It molds her in God's hands like putty into a more perfect creation than just a clump of clay. I know it has been this way for me. Eight and counting… God willing.
The third secret… will we have to wait many years like Fatima? 😉 Can't wait to read it.
Kh. Patty says
Yes, I love this! I'm about to have my fourth, and I feel I am finally just getting my rhythm with it all. I get the idea of a nursery supper for the baby. We've noticed the need for firmer bedtime routines. I'm excited to be more of schedule sleuth with regards to my next one's nursing habits and to encourage more of a schedule to develop. “Even if she thinks she can't take it!” I'm sure if I were planning everything down to the last letter, I wouldn't have PLANNED to have a fourth, or at least, not so close to the third, but I have grown in my parenting and organizational abilities in the last few months, that it is all going to be worth it!
Mrs. Pickles says
Argh! The suspense is killing me! But okay, we'll work on family dinners and Sundays first. I face two challenges that I hope you will address somehow:
1) What to do with the kids on Sundays? When we're all together, they expect to be always doing something with Mom & Dad (especially if we forbid the Electronic Babysitter, i.e. TV). If we pack the afternoon with reading, games, walks, etc., the kids have fun but Mom & Dad come out exhausted. It ends up being just another work day for me. How did you find balance? What does “day of rest” mean for you?
2) We almost always have family dinners together (we try to avoid activities that cut into dinner time, so it's not hard), but inevitably it ends up degenerating into raucous silliness, with one or more squirming and begging to be released. My husband and I have considered instituting a strict “children should be seen and not heard unless replying to a direct question by Dad” policy. We only have 4 children (so far), ranging in age from 10 to 20 mos. How did you encourage pleasantness at the family dinner table with your crew?
Finally, I just wanted to share a quote from Charlotte Mason that I recently discovered and found delightful: “Let young people feel that the happiness of home is a trust which every member of it has in charge.” (from Formation of Character, 206) What a wonderful idea to give our children — that by their good attitudes and smiles they too can be responsible for the happiness of their home!
Elizabeth N says
I love that quote! Thanks for sharing it!
Jaimie says
“that you not despair over meltdowns, naughtiness, wiggling, squabbling, and general chaos.” How timely! We have two children (ages 3.5 and 1.5) and before they were born my husband and I had planned to have family dinners. I think we've done a good job of that so far, but sometimes I've wondered where those pleasant family meals people talk about are hiding? It's easy to get discouraged when the kids don't like the meal that's been prepared, won't sit still, make loud noises, complain, etc. However, I do try to take the long view (when I can!) and I can see that table manners and stamina for sitting at the table are slowly improving (and they are still so little – for their ages they actually do quite well). I remember being a child and learning at the table how to properly hold a knife and fork, how to ask for food to be passed, how to politely decline things you don't want, and so many other niceties. Where else can you learn them?
Your thoughts about Sundays are interesting. I hope I won't get kicked off this page for admitting this (joke) but our family is not religious. However, we do try to make Sundays both quiet and special. I would also be interested in hearing exactly what you did with your family on Sundays as the children were growing up.
Marie says
You're sharing some great ideas for keeping the family together. However, we have all waited 21 days to hear your third tip; could you please post it soon? We are all dying of suspense!
A Humble Reader
_Leila says
Haha, Marie, no, you have to wait. I still haven't even gone through dinner — there are so many things to talk about. When they outnumber you, when they are half-grown and in and out, books at the table night, hospitality…. Oh no, you have to wait!
You don't know what the third secret is?
Maybe you can amuse yourselves by guessing!
Rochelle says
Ok, perhaps Sunday and dinner is more than enough. 🙂 still working on both. Ok to feed littles, then eat and sit with daddy more when he gets home late (7/7:30)? Waiting was a bear with 1/3/5 year olds.
Krystle says
I was going back through the archives and am trying to find the third thing you mentioned. Sundays have always been set apart for worship; we are working on better family time. Meals are… getting there. Your words are so motivating (especially on hard days when I am just trying to keep the vision for my 4-kids-under-6).
Andi says
I've also been digging through the archives trying to find the third secret. Have you posted it yet? I just absolutely LOVE all of your advice about family life.
Rochelle says
Aunt Leila! It's time for #3. The suspense has become too much, especially as you just linked this as advice in another post. 🙂 Be generous with us…we take your wise council seriously. 🙂
Maria says
Was the third ever posted? If yea, could I request a link, please? I love the creative post titles, but they don't lend themselves well to efficient post-searching! And I didn't see a tag about three secrets, so I'm stuck! 😉 If it's just not published yet, no worries, though you should know (and I'm sure you already have an inkling, what with all the comments here) that we'd love to see it, when you get a second!
-Maria 🙂
vaughn says
Would also really dig the third idea– Thanks so much!
Katie says
I'm going to chime in on the 3rd idea question. Would love to know, love your advice especially as my husband (married 2 months tomorrow) are hoping and praying to start a family. Thank you!!!
Maria says
As I was reading this, I was thinking to myself, “I would put ‘Keep the Sabbath’ as No. 1,” and Voila! I’m closer to your age than most readers, so I have learned this one along the way. It has so many practical and spiritual benefits. Truly, why don’t we listen to God’s instructions more when they are so easy and beneficial for us? I’m looking forward to reading the rest.
Leila says
Maria, in terms of importance, you are right! My list is in terms of what you can manage practically! I find that young families can’t manage Sunday dinner because they have no practice in all the things necessary during the week to get a nice, calm, restful Sunday going.
My approach is purely pragmatic 🙂