Dear Leila,
In light of your Aug. 22 post, “What Can Children Do,” I see the monster of my own making.
My eldest child, a tea-partying, page coloring girl can practically run the house without me. She's like a well-oiled machine. Loves to please. Very capable. Loves to be a little mama. So cleaning and matronly duties are considered fun by her.
Child two, difficult from day one, has been carried around by me since birth, not because we are so rich, but because this lazy mama would rather baby him than hear him whine/complain/pitch fits. I know. I can't believe it's like this either! What have I done?
Here is my dilemma. Where do I start in the retraining of him and his mama? Do I start him at stage one until that is mastered? He does have a very small chore list (make bed, clean up toys, feed dog, clear his dishes from the table) that he completes daily, but never without reminders and rarely without grumbling.
I don't blame him. This falls on my shoulders. The worst part is, I know his wife will not appreciate all this. He's 8 years old. Tell me this can change! Help me, dear Auntie. Where do I begin? What do I do when he grumbles? What do I do when he doesn't complete his task?
Yours, Rebekah
Dear Rebekah,
Well, your consolation is that, especially with boys, training in the home (I mean, specific chores) rarely carries through to adulthood! Seriously, my sons strangely do not seem to regard an empty beer bottle as a blight (I mean, not that they drank beer as children, but they certainly had to clear their dirty dishes). They are indeed the problem of their spouses, present or future.
When they are husbands and fathers, it may be that some of it will come back to them.
Seriously, start with him as if he's been good all along. An eight-year-old needs to take out the trash, process the laundry, sweep, vacuum, feed the dog and walk him, and all sorts of things that you will find in the Guide to What a Child Can Do post.
No toys until the chores are done; no TV, games, sitting down, eating, resting, or any other thing that he would like to do until things are done without whining and to your satisfaction. It's simple.
Tell him that in the Bible it says, “He who does not work, neither shall he eat” and you don't intend to raise a deadbeat for a son. Tell him you'd like to be spared visiting him in jail. Tell him that you've been wrong, but now the iron has entered your soul. Be ruthless, yet affirming.
Talk to his father and then turn the hours he's home over to him. He has the con. It's his son. Undoubtedly the naughty genes come straight from him. Let them get dirty and as smelly as the Atlantic Ocean. (Hint: It's easier to bear if they are often clean and well groomed. Different rant.) Get them to clean the garage together. Affirm the punishments your husband chooses to deal out.
Meanwhile, read these books to him: Little Britches (warning: the Dad dies — but it's very loving), Two Years Before the Mast (for older children), Captains Courageous, Hatchet, and anything by E. Nesbit. Also Hornblower : Beat to Quarters. I want you to read them to him so that you benefit as well — so that also begin to understand just how much adults can ask of children, and just how miserable children can be and still benefit from the experience. {Don't read to him until he's done his duties.}
Auntie Leila, you think children should be miserable?
Well, here's the thing.
Make a list.
Schedule in rests and fun at the park!
Work on this for a week. It's all about new habits, which add up to self control! After a week, make a new goal. Give that a week. In two months I promise you things will be better!
You are not failing your child and you are a good mother! Soon you will like and respect your son again. And he will like and respect you!
Leila
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