Dear Auntie Leila,
I am loving reading the posts on your blog. I am awed by all these lovely women who have lots of children. My question is whether you can share some wisdom about body image and marital intimacy.
I guess for me I feel like since having my (first) baby 2 and a bit years ago (it was a complicated birth and took a long time to heal from physically and I think perhaps longer mentally) I am constantly revisiting how I feel about my body.
I am gradually trying to let go of the weird perfectionism thing that makes me think I need to look like a supermodel, without the personal make up artist, thousands of dollars and the lack of eating!!
I wonder how you (or others) maintained (and maintain) your idea of being an attractive self whilst pregnant or breastfeeding, at different stages of life, and so on. How do you hold the two “selves” together? And how do your husbands? (I guess it's telling that I think of myself as two people – the mother and the pre-mother who had her own life and felt attractive?! Ideally I'm sure I should be one person!)
Thank you for all your down to earth wisdom!
Ellie
Dear Ellie,
Okay, it’s going to seem really random to you that I find this question very… Advent-y.
Stick with me because I’m going to be practical, but also show you how these issues we have can be resolved by our Advent devotions, and we will also get input from the Chief, Sukie, and Rosie.
So, motherliness and maintaining your sense of attractiveness as you go through various stages… ah, yes.
You see, you are not alone in feeling like the post-headlights deer after you have a baby. Not everyone feels this way, and I have nothing but wonder for those who do not. As a 19-year-old, thin and not very strong, undergoing an extremely difficult labor and delivery, my own devastation would have been complete had I not been too numb to contemplate it.
What had happened to my body was only part of the larger question of what had happened to me. Even though, six weeks later, I fit into my teensy clothes, I felt so strange. It’s not so much that the physical changes affected my sense of attractiveness, although they did, while I’m sure others hardly noticed anything different. It’s just that I didn’t feel like myself, and the change in my body was a small part of the overall upheaval.
So I know what you mean.
It’s true that the majority of images we see are of women who look girlish after giving even multiple births. It stands to reason that some will, applying the ever-handy 10-80-10 rule: That 10 percent of average women will balloon, 80 percent will be a little different but not much, and 10 percent will be thin or thinner than ever. Breastfeeding helps get you back in shape (and most women don’t realize that), but a lot of it is just the luck of the draw, inheritance-wise.
The market, which uncannily detects anxiety and ambivalence, naturally caters to the way we, at the moment, wish we looked – by ever so helpfully waving under our noses images of only the 10 percent who are endowed by genetics, hard and possibly destructive work, and computer manipulation to look like they are freshmen in high school, despite their reproductive activities.
Let’s never mind all that, on the grounds that it’s just not helpful to getting us to our real goal, which is really enjoying the process of figuring out how integral this motherhood thing is to our womanhood.
It is, you know. Even when a woman isn’t a physical mother – if she is a religious sister, or not given the gift of physical children in her marriage – she’s called to motherhood as the fulfillment of God’s plan for her.
Let’s do some practical things to be happy with how we look right now, and possibly learn some deep truths about womanhood along the way.
Before we get started: Take a shower and wash your hair. You will already feel better.
The goal here is going to be to get in touch with the prettiness of the new you. So let’s start from the inside out.
1. Trim your nails (all) and shave your legs. Treat your feet and do what you can to just smell fantastic.
Get a nice haircut. One’s hair is super important, and the cut and style have to be fabulous but not fussy, so that you can run around with your child. Use the proper products (I discuss this in my showering post, a true treasure-trove of TMI). A woman’s hair is her glory. Make it the best it can be. If it’s long, don’t just pull it into a pony. Try a messy bun if you like it back, or a loose French braid. If it’s short, make sure it’s feminine and not utilitarian. A little more volume flatters. Nothing will look right on you if your hair is not becoming, and everything will suddenly look better if it is. If we wore a head covering (and every mother of a toddler has to wonder why we don’t), we would just have to choose a pretty one. But this isn’t medieval Norway and we probably don’t. So style your hair.Use a little make-up if you want to. If you do, use it every day, first thing in the morning. I’m not telling you that you have to wear make-up. I am going to say this: It’s better to use none than to only perk up to go out, but never put in the effort “just” for your husband at home. As I tend to be a little ruddy, I use a little foundation, a dab of blush, eyeliner (my eyelashes are skimpy), and a smidge of lip gloss. Could you manage that much? Pluck only stray hairs on your brows and do give them a little lift with the liner. Brows are the fabulous accent marks of the face.
2. Have the right underwear. It needs to fit and not be an embarrassment in case of ambulance rides. Once you are over 13, and I am assuming you are, you need more than just a bra – you need camisoles and slips and the right kind of spandex for certain outfits. Only recently having recovered from the 70s myself — with all that implies in the lingerie department — I have come to see the value in these items. If you shop at a Marshall’s/T J Maxx type of place, you don’t have to spend a lot, but you should consider every penny you spend as well worth it.
In the same vein, have some cute bedwear. This is definitely a G-rated blog – I really mean just have nice things to wear to bed. When your size changes, the overwhelmingness of having to replace everything results in the pjs and nighties morphing into hubby’s sweats. Nevertheless, cuteness is a priority, and I say that as someone who wears flannel from October to May. It’s cute flannel!
3. Now let’s think. Every woman has at least a few items of clothing that she feels just work for her – so much so that it’s hard to let them go when they get a little… antique. We need to make a mental list of what the exact characteristics of those items are so we can replace and amplify them.
For instance – does the pair of jeans you really love have a waist that hits you just so? Is that old shirt you reach for just the right amount of blousy at the hips? Do you wish you had that pleated skirt from your aunt’s closet again? Did you think that a jacket nipped you in at the waist just so?
Make some rules for yourself. Here are mine (I’m average height, thick through the waist, small hips, nice legs, short neck, bad posture, 51 and not ready to consign myself to the dust bin of fashion, but not able to wear just any old t-shirt either):
No crew necks, ever. No sweat pants. Nothing short at the waist, like a short cardi, cropped shirt, etc. A longer look is better for me. Nothing above the knee – the only exception is just-above-the-knee skirts for hot weather because I will never ever wear shorts again, and that’s fine by me, and my knees aren’t dumpy yet. Nothing dropped-waist if it doesn’t also flare out, because something A-line makes me look fine, but anything that nips in under the belly just looks horrible.
Don't be distracted by the gorgeous top. That skirt would make me a laughing stock. |
Same model (admittedly, there might be something post-production going on with the photos, but still): If I were she (and she’s gorgeous), I would not feel comfy in the outfit on the left, but I would in the one on the right. Among other, more obvious, things, the belt is dumb but the necklace is adorable.
Some of the sites that are often recommended as offering more feminine clothing still fail to please me in that their skirts are too stinkin short.
If you aren't so thin that your legs are 4 inches apart from each other at the inner thigh, you are going to look like a stumpy white whale in this dress, I'm sorry to say. |
Also, let’s have some sleeves. Sleeveless just doesn’t look great on most people (don’t get me started on strapless!), and it makes me angry that they are eliminating the most time-consuming aspect of dressmaking but still charging a lot.
Rosie says, “Watch What Not To Wear. It helps you see that each woman can look her best right now, and emphasizes the feminine. Just get clothes that fit, and don’t worry about the size.”
The genius of that show is that it does something paradoxical: It teaches us that changing the superficial leads to deep results. A lot of the women they work with seem like they could use a psychiatrist, honestly. Yet after their transformation, which is completely cosmetic, they seem to be able to grapple with a lot of problems that were overwhelming them. I wholeheartedly subscribe to this approach. Might as well try it! It’s cheaper than therapy, even with the shopping.
She also says, “I ran into a friend who has lots of kids. I’m sure she felt a little ungainly, because she had just had a baby, but she exuded joy and kindness and looked radiant. She was truly, physically, beautiful. That’s how I want to be.”
Sukie says, “I’d rather know that I look nice and put together than have a lot of outfits. I don’t want to be uncomfortable or spend time thinking about what to wear. I have to know I can do anything in my work clothes [she’s a teacher] – sit on the floor, pull down a map, etc. Nothing low-cut. I don’t like high-waisted things, as they make me feel short. If I feel unattractive, I find it’s best to concentrate on looking put-together.”
Becoming a mother made me realize that I had to have a practical wardrobe, and that took me years to achieve. For one thing, it was the 80s, and clothes didn’t fit on purpose. I’m really sort of bitter that I spent my most attractive years wearing “man-tailored” –type clothes. And shoulder pads. But for sure, you need to supply yourself with exactly those items that you reach for, but aren’t there.
4. Colors. Back in the day there was something called Color Me Beautiful. Once again Auntie Leila reaches into the mists of time for a how-to book that really worked, although you will laugh at the styles because they are truly priceless.
Again, thinking about what you love to wear already – what makes you feel like you — will guide you. Every woman can wear just about every color. You have to figure out if you need the warm or cool version of the color as well as the muted or clear version. Trust me, it works so well to help you zero in on what makes you feel wonderful and attractive. It also helps you decide when to spend money on something. If it’s not in your colors, skip it.
5. Re-train yourself to see things in their proper light. Analyze photos for their reality content – both as to whether a style could work for you and if it’s being presented realistically.
The fact that styles favor the emaciated and immature doesn’t help. After all, it can only be a truly warped and perverted fashion mind that only offers horizontal stripes, short skirts, and stretchy fabrics that hug the body. Seeing is so related to reality. We pervert our ability to see when we constantly subject ourselves to unreal images as if they are real!
We have to make a conscious effort not to look at those images and compare ourselves.
{At least you are young! Try searching for Mother of the Bride attire and have a good laugh at what image is being projected there. Apparently Mothers of the Bride are meant, in popular imagination, to be a cross between a Barbie beauty queen and a particularly immodest mermaid.
Seriously, I searched “mother of the bride” and this was the dress at the top, but hardly unique. MOB as vamp, anyone? |
But enough about my problems.}
And here is where Advent comes in for you.
You see, Advent, the season of preparation for the Incarnation, has a charming side that revolves around Sundays – that makes us look eagerly for each Sunday when we light another candle and are closer to the great feast of Christmas. Well, what do you know — serving God starts with living our Sundays well.
Advent is good training if we’ve let that slip.
I just want to remind you of what dear St. Augustine always says – “Do thou serve Him who made thee, so that that which was made for thee (your body, for instance) may serve thee.” – so that your body may not be a source of sorrow for you.
Rosie says, “Make sure you hold the baby in front of you for photos. And a couple of pins in front makes a ponytail more put together!” |
Your question, involving as it does the sense of division in your person, and the uncertainty about the ends for which you were made, turns on this need that Advent addresses: The need to reunite earth and Heaven. God gave us our bodies with a nuptial meaning – which just means that a woman, loved by her husband, becomes a mother, and that makes her more beautiful in every way.
Here is what my husband says: “The husband wants his wife. He knows who you are. Yes, you want to look good for him, but he understands you and what makes you the way you are and look – it’s you he wants. You should realize that with each passing year (and each new baby), you become more distinctively you: The flesh-and-blood woman he loves. The good part of him wants only the real you, not some Hollywood (or worse) false image. He has to feed that good part and deny any bad part that would take him away from reality, and you have to help him by being open and honest as well as trusting. You have to help him a lot, because he’s always battling with those false images.”
He’s meant to help you through this time of change, with his loving protection. To do that, he is going to have to set out on the Advent road, determined to be worthy to kneel at the Infant’s cradle with his gifts. And he should want to be loving you exactly how you look, especially after the baby comes and while you are nursing it.
You know, a lot of husbands go through trauma of their own when the baby comes, and don’t dare say a word about it because clearly, what their wife has experienced trumps everything. But this event merits a conversation or two. He has to be encouraged to affirm his wife’s value, and to overcome the fear he has that he will be able to take care of what has been entrusted to him.
Wives, don’t underestimate that fear. Your fear is assuaged by the undeniable, immediate gift of the baby. But his fear is only fed by everything he encounters, since the manly virtue of providing for his family is not worth much to those he deals with, most likely, and doesn’t bear fruit for a long time.
You can make him want to be brave by your appreciation, and he will be emboldened to express how much he loves you in your new, more womanly mode – because what he really wants out of this life is a loving home, a devoted wife, children who will honor him, and to not die alone. All this, and more, he will get — if he too keeps his eyes on what is real. For us, the lust of the eyes is really this longing to look like someone else, and we have to resist it. For him, the lust of the eyes really is lust in its specific sense, and the only remedy is to love someone truly beautiful.
Husband and wife are like Adam and Eve in the garden (they really are, as marriage leaps right over the divide of the Fall and takes us back to the original plan God had in mind). Those two didn’t need any pictures. They were writing their own marriage manual when it came to intimacy, and each married couple does the same, all over again. Each husband and wife are the new Adam and Eve.
There is no comparing in love.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~{I would love your thoughts on Ellie’s question. I will be super vigilant with the comments, though, so make sure you keep in mind that many very young girls read what we say! If you don’t see your comment (after a while), try saying it again, only more G-rated. :)}
Juliana B says
I think this is a great post! I've just had my fourth baby in four years and while my body has bounced back much more quickly this time, I still suffer the pangs of post partum fashion and basic existential issues (I wrote a series on post modern motherhood over at my “serious” blog a few months ago).
I would say about breastfeeding and weight loss, that in my experience, it just doesn't happen. My body hangs on to about 10-15 pounds while breastfeeding that simply won't come off until I wean, no matter what I do.
About jeans. I like high rise jeans as they cover the problem spot–almost any mid-rise jean is going to hit me at my widest point and just looks silly. (Plus I spend my whole day pulling my pants up since there is no natural place for the waist to sit at that point on the body! It is like perpetual maternity jeans!!)
I've also discovered that scarves cover a multitude of body issues. I'm carrying my post partum weight very differently this time, and a nice scarf just covers all the jiggly bits.
_Leila says
Juliana, You are probably in the 80% 🙂
Seriously, think about it. To make milk, your body needs not only to produce milk (which requires water, which weighs something), but also to supply the infrastructure for its production (larger and more glands), as well as fat for storage.
It simply stands to reason that this process will add weight to your body, and that the weight (5-15 lbs) will be there until you stop nursing.
The milk can't come from nowhere!
So if you are down to 15 lbs within your original weight, you are essentially at your original weight.
The fact that you lose it when you stop nursing proves that!
Sara says
I think you are right about that, and I need to stop feeling so bad that I'm still 20lbs. over my prepregnancy weight (I had twin girls 3 months ago!) I'm sure I need some extra fat/fluids to produce all that milk for two babies. I've always hung onto a little bit of weight with each baby, and I don't feel “normal” until around 8-9 months post partum. I agree–scarves are wonderful accessories! I think nice simple jewelry can be great too—really dresses up a solid cardigan.
Danielle says
I just wanted to chime in here because I too hold on to that last 10-15lbs until baby is done nursing. These women say to me, “oh it's so great you're nursing, the weight will just fall off!” and I'm looking around like, when? when will it fall off?? 🙂
Betsy says
I am so glad I read this thread. I always get so frustrated when people talk about the weight “falling off” because it simply doesn’t happen like that for me. I can’t lose that last 10-15lbs until baby is (almost) completely weaned (the weight starts coming off when we’re down to 1-2 feedings a day). And so far I end up pregnant before that happens. *sigh*
Suzette says
Me too sista! Either pregnant, or nursing, or BOTH! at any given time, most of our marriage…and you know…I’m just finding peace in that this is my life, my pursuit of heaven, my legacy. And if I’m confident and a bit soft to hug and taking good care of myself, then 10-15 lbs more it will be until this precious time of child-bearing has passed. It’s taken me a good, solid three years to come to this – better late than never, right? 🙂
Sarah B. says
Absolutely true for me too that the last 15 just won’t come off while nursing unless I really change things up. Prolactin – it’s a real thing. I do find that the “low carb high fat” way of eating keeps my milk just fine and lets me get comfortably back in my clothes. At least it’s worked for my third and fourth son, so far. And I definitely don’t restrict calories or get hungry – not good to do when nursing. Bacon and cream cheese frosting make good snacks for me:)
Leila – this is the first time I’ve commented, but I’ve devoured your blog and your book with great enjoyment. Thank you for writing them. I know sadly few mamas in my circle who welcome as many babies as God sends, so it’s hard to find people to observe. Thank you for being one!
God bless you in your writing!
Anne @ModernMrsDarcy says
These are soooo good. I love how you made it about Advent 🙂
I've had 4 babies, and I've always dropped most of the baby weight after about 10-12 weeks, but held on to the last 5 pounds for 6 months or so. That's enough to be a clothing size or 2, but not such a big gap that I couldn't squeeze into my regular clothes. But that's the thing–I really had to squeeeeeeeeeeze into them, which probably didn't look great (no matter how spanx-y my undergarments may have been) and definitely made me feel anything-but-pretty.
Investing in a good pair of jeans and a couple of one-size-up tops made all the difference in the world. It kind of hurt to spend that money when I already had a closet full of perfectly good clothes, but it was soooo worth it.
Syl says
What a lovely post! Thank you. This struggle is one I feel we don't talk honestly enough about. Ellie, for me, coming to terms with my post-baby body was a huge spiritual struggle. I had been a fit size 6 and blossomed into a very soft size 20. It was a huge shock, coupled with the overwhelming nature of new motherhood itself. I would add just a couple things to what Auntie Leila has said: 1) beyond grooming, make time for your own fitness. Even if all you are able to do is get out of the house and walk a couple times a week, you will feel restored in a way that is hard to achieve elsewise. It took me three kids to figure out how to communicate my need for this to my husband who couldn't care less about being fit… which leads me to my next suggestion: go easy on yourself. Motherhood is transformative. It is not easy and it is never complete. Part of coming to terms with all of it (the constant call to selflessness, the body & image issues, etc) is learning to let go and be part of the process. I'm very goal oriented. Walking the journey instead of focusing on the end is hard for me. Finally, pray that the Lord would give you eyes to see yourself as He sees you. It sounds trite, but this is a battle and you need someone else fighting for you too.
Rachel says
“pray that the Lord would give you eyes to see yourself as He sees you. It sounds trite, but this is a battle and you need someone else fighting for you too.”
Aaah, yes. Having birthed eight babies (2 sets of twins, which is just lovely on the tummy) with a ninth still inside, I very very very very much needed to be pounded with this truth. I'm just not the cutesy pregnant person so many of my younger friends are.
And it matters NOT. Thank you, Leila, for your insightful, practical post (always!), and thank you, Syl, for your very UN-trite reminder.
Stoosh says
I really needed to read this in the comments: “Finally, pray that the Lord would give you eyes to see yourself as He sees you. ”
I was reading this post and the comments and was feeling very bad about myself. I live in sweatpants. I even sometimes wear them to the daily TLM if I’m on my way to school. First of all, I’m short and overweight and **despise** clothes shopping. I have very little money and very little time and I sure don’t want to spend either at the mall or even at a used clothing store. It always strikes me as so little return for the investment of time or money. I end up feeling bad that I can’t get myself to lose weight and bad that nothing looks good. I also feel bad reading about hair cuts because I don’t have nice hair, either. I even resisted wearing a veil for a while at the TLM because someone said we need to cover our “shining glory” and I said, well I don’t have that so I don’t have to wear a veil. I just got a trim and once again, my short hair is too severe and I know it’s not flattering but I can’t get a stylist who will just make my hair look ok.
So after that entire rant of self pity (sorry! I’m really not always like this!), I really need to see myself as God sees me. I need to stop the harsh judging of myself and need to do what I can to start making changes.
Charlotte says
Oh Auntie Leila! What a blessing this post is to all women. I love that your beautiful girls and your loving husband contributed to it. I love everything you have to say here especially the fashion tips about finding what looks best on your body. One quick question… I am of the opinion that a few nice outfits are better than a lot of mismatched junkie stuff but oftentimes “nice” means a little more expensive. Which is doable, with budgeting and all that, but it seems like clothes these days just don't last as long as they used to. And when something wears down and doesn't look nice anymore, it's often hard to find a replacement because women's fashion changes so quickly. One minute, V-necks are hot and the next minute, ballet necks are in. Do you have any tips for wardrobe/fabric care to help keep those things that work for our bodies working longer so we don't have to go searching again so often?
_Leila says
Charlotte, because of my personal rules, I *know* that V-necks are best for me. So that's what I spend on if I find one I like. If boat-necks are all that's out there, I don't buy any, because they look bad on me. Make your rules for yourself, and cherry pick the fashions!
My fabric care tips are in the laundry posts 😉
And I do recommend finding a thrift or consignment store if you can, because you will find more quality things and not have to spend a lot — and you can experiment!
p's w says
another post from this blog that is very important for mothers is the 'start in your bedroom' cleaning post.
to feel pretty and have a strong relationship with husband- really really try going to sleep early so that baby will be cared for well at night and the marital embrace will be possible- exhaustion is the worst
Clare says
May I just say “thank you” for not mentioning diet or exercise? Those things are both necessary parts of life, however, we all know what we must do, we don't need to be beaten over the head with it. Every tip you gave is something anyone could do today- not at one pound per week. My best advice: buy clothes for the size you are now. Not for the size you were, or the size you want to be, but ones that really fit! Pay attention to the things people give you compliments on and buy those. Not just styles, but colors and accessories. Try something really new every once in a while and you might be surprised that it works-if not, you have had the fun of trying! And always try to wear cute shoes.:)
LJ says
… that was so lovely!!! Love love loved the last sections! Thank you Mr. Lawler for a reminder about what real men look for in their future wives!
Liz says
I know this is a small thing, but I always have a new pair of pajamas to wear at the hospital after the baby is born. I felt so awful about my appearance at the hospital after the first baby, I was determined to be comfortable and cute the next time(s). (That said, I had a misfire after my last pregnancy…turns out that twins leave you even crazier-shaped for a couple of weeks after they're born! Still, just making the effort and having a plan made me feel better.) I'm already window shopping for the after outfit for this pregnancy.
Patty says
That's a great idea! I'm totally going to do this. Baby gets his first outfit, and you need one too! I'm thinking new robe for sure.
Lori says
What valuable thoughts are here. What has worked best for me, a woman who has been very overweight and now normal weight and has certainly had her body image issues to deal with, is:
1. Exactly what you say about understanding what God wants in the marriage relationship and working with that.
2. Specifically about looking attractive: Determine to pay attention in a positive way about the times I feel lovely. Ask myself why. Build on that answer!
3. Remember: a happy woman is a beautiful woman. A joyful woman is a woman who draws everyone, especially her husband, toward her.
ayearinskirts says
One thing I've realized is that everyone thinks my body is truly divine. My husband who craves my embrace. The baby who delights at my breast. My older child who rides on my hip, gets on my back to have a “horseback ride” and falls asleep in my arms at church every Sunday. My seven year old who finds my body truly fascinating and asks me lots of questions about what she sees. They love my body. God loves my body. I accept all of their love, believe it, and put it in my heart.
cirelo says
Rosie's advice is spot on to say hold that baby in front! I laughed because I always do that. 🙂
I definitely fit into the category of being thin after babies, sometimes too thin. And while people always say I look good for having had five kids or whatever, I know that under my clothes I am not the same and there was definitely a little “dying to self” that had to go on to get over the fact that I have stretch marks and am not quite as . . .perky as before kids. And really for me it's just vanity! Not that I shouldn't try to look my best and be satisfied with the way I look, but what is my motivation? Our culture certainly gives us unrealistic expectations of post childbearing women but really our culture also teaches us vanity is a virtue! I'm sure I literally mourned the loss of my ability to wear a bikini, and isn't that absurd? The loss of my “perfect” body really showed to me how attached I am to looks in the wrong way! I think that I always told myself that I was not vain because I'm tomboyish and don't wear makeup, but there are lots of ways to be vain. Maybe for some of us this helps us grow closer to Christ if we don't let ourselves become embittered.
On the other hand, I also like to spend time reflecting on beauty I see in others at different stages of life. I love people watching and it is a good exercise to spend time finding the beauty in less looked for places. Give yourself the eyes of an artist so you can catch the glow of the pregnant woman inwardly reflecting, or the life written on a wrinkled face, the look of love a homely couple gives each other. This way you can start appreciating the beauty in your own life more.
Here is a link to pictures of breastfeeding in art, throughout history artists have found this act truly beautiful : http://www.breastfeeding.com/artgallery.html
Nancy H. says
“Auntie Leila”, I really do appreciate your words. I think I appreciate your last 3-4 paragraphs the most – helps me to remember what my husband probably really IS thinking, and forget what I FEAR he is thinking. I've been reading for a couple of months now and have been very encouraged by your “Titus 2” role here.
sjohnston522 says
I highly recommend the book “It's So You” by Mary Sheehan Warren. It's fantastic for figuring out coloring and styles that will work with your body type. It really simplified wardrobe planning for me and allows me to shop online more confidently.
Mairzie says
I second that! This is a very helpful book. Mary has a blog, by the same name, and a newsletter you can receive after signing up. From my limited experience, I have found that Mary is a down-to-earth lady who knows what she's talking about.
Rachel says
After having my little one, I found a top that was very flattering to my new figure. And I promptly bought it in 7 colors. I thought I had found a quick and easy solution to “looking my best” everyday. All I had really done was find a way to become quickly bored and even more upset with my appearance. My husband gently urged me to go out and find some new and different things that “also looked very nice” on me. Not only did I appreciate his kind words of encouragement, I also loved the time out to myself shopping. I make an effort every morning to get up, get dressed, put on some make-up, and do my hair. I feel better which allows me to enjoy my day at home with my little one more.
Anitra says
Thank you, Auntie Leila. I was just thinking today how a shorter haircut and pants that actually fit make me feel miles more attractive.
I need to work on “have the right underwear”. Nursing bras are terrible, unless you’re up for paying $60+ per bra… It’s one reason why I am looking forward to fully weaning my little guy and finding out what size I am again, so I can have bras that actually fit and support correctly.
It is definitely hard to let go of what I used to look like pre-baby (or at least, pre-baby-number-2) – even though most people wouldn’t think that I look much different! But my clothes fit differently, and so now I need to do a ruthless paring of my closet, and get rid of all the stuff that just doesn’t fit my expanded hips/waistline.
For any women who want more concrete fashion advice/inspiration, I like “Aint No Mom Jeans”. Take them with a grain of salt, though – these are women on the small end of the size scale and who don’t mind spending a pretty penny on certain wardrobe items (personally, I don’t buy anything I can’t try on first, and then I agonize over spending the money).
Emily says
I like that website for ideas, too, but entirely agree with your caveat! The money those women seem to be able to spend! (Not in our budget!) 🙂
Lori says
I just spent some time at that site and, despite the fact that my “baby” is 16, I found some good advice. Thanks for pointing it out, Anitra.
cirelo says
At risk of sounding like an advertisement, I've been very happy finding deals on postpartum clothing on Zulily.com. Good sales on top'o'the line brands, including items like nursing bras. I think the cheap ones really don't hold up well so this was the place I found I could afford something prettier and higher quality.
Betsy M says
Hi Anitra, have you tried the Modela bras? I know that they are expensive but I love mine so much I wear it even when I am not nursing and thus justify the expence that I am getting LOTS of use out of them. They give me such a nice shape – it makes all of my shirts just look better on. I however am not well endowed in that area so I can't speak for it fitting those who are lucky to have a bit more shape. Oh, and Johnson and Johnson nursing pads are also wonderful for a nice shape with those bras.
Tracy says
For years, I used the t-shirts bras (demi style) from Lane Bryant ~ I could just pull down the top of the bra and when baby was done nursing, simply pull the bra back up. Now, my daughter wears these as nursing bras with HER babies…. Their bands start at a 36, but can easily be altered to a 34 (or maybe it’s start at 34 & can be altered to a 32. I forget.) They have a buy 2 get 2 free sale twice a year (January and July, I think) so they are quite affordable!
Anitra says
Well-endowed.. yeah, that's part of my problem. I went from a C pre-kids, to now… I'm not even sure, I think I am a DD, or possibly DDD. The one actual bra I have is a Bravado with more flexible sizing. The rest of the time, I use nursing camis which don't provide much support, but don't get in the way of nursing, either.
And for about a month now, I have been slowly weaning my baby to formula and solid food, so I'm just holding off until I'm done at this point. No way I'm going to buy a bra that won't fit in another month or two!
Alesha says
Any ideas for bras if you are basically two different cup sizes? Not fun or easy shopping…
Kelly P says
Oh, Auntie Leila, you give me hope that maybe I will figure out this motherhood thing after all! Thank you for the encouragement and for giving us something *to do*!
Sibyl says
Ellie: I so feel for you. I've gone through this for a while and know how perplexing it is. First, when your husband expresses appreciation for you, allow it to ease your fears of not being attractive to him. Take his compliments, and show him (hugs, kisses, smiles) that they mean a lot. And take them to heart. Related to this would be to ask him — I asked my husband whether he liked my hair longer or shorter (after six kids, it's thinner than it was). He said it didn't really matter but that he guessed maybe longer. That helped!
Second, I've really found that FEELING feminine was important to my acting so and being more confident of being attractive in a womanly way. I went through the “spit-up-soaked-t-shirt” phase at first but quickly realized the total wisdom of Auntie Leila's dictum: take a shower, do your hair, use some nice scent, and SMILE MORE (I'm naturally not such a smiley person). For me, that meant wearing a lot more skirts and pretty tops, as well as getting my ears pierced and wearing earrings (I like medium-length danglies, although I wouldn't wear them when my babies were tiny).
Finally, bring this confusion to the Lord. Simply ask Him to show you how to be the woman He wants you to be. Think of how beautiful your soul is becoming, as you work and strive to learn this new task of motherhood, which He has ordained you to do. Ask Him as often as you feel worried or disoriented, “Lord, give me the beauty You want me to have.” And that's the beauty that no one can help seeing and loving, particularly your husband!
Faith says
Thanks, Sibyl– I have been pondering for years about whether or not to get my ears pierced– I think this is the year!!
Mrs. Fordyce says
I have also (finally!) come to the conclusion that no matter how trendy or fashionable something is I should not wear it if it does not suit me. Skinny jeans? I would look like a huge pink cupcake on a little stick if I wore them. Tight t-shirts (the ones that seem to be ubiquitous these days) would highlight my “oh my stars! I have had nine pregnancies in 17 years!” stomach-I will pass on those! Cute shoes, scarves, a fun purse, earrings, and most of all, a smile and an attitude of sheer gratefulness for the blessings of six children I have been allowed to grow and nurture with my body- what more does a girl really need to look great?
Patty says
A practical what-to-wear tip: I just love skirts. I don't wear them all the time (although I did for a bit over a year a while back). But any time I'm feeling insecure about my tummy (which is always with me and always has been…), I wear a skirt! Hides the tummy and I instantly feel more feminine, and more put-together. And I agree with the make-up comment. But not just for the sake of make-up, but for the sake of just looking like you are dressed for your job of being a wife and Mom. Do your hair somehow, do what you do for your face, wear clothes that make you feel good about your “job”—those are the things that help me! And I try never to leave the house “not dressed” (ie., PJ pants or sweats, unless they are matchy sweats) unless we all have the flu or something!
Another fabulous post.
Also, I think that husbands may find their wives even more attractive post-baby because they are in awe of what you have done and are doing and they are very proud of you! At least, that is the sense I get from mine. Just making time for them after the exertions of caring for a baby all day (and night)—making him feel like he is important to you too—goes a long way, I think. Oh, and maybe not complaining all the time (not saying anyone is doing this necessarily). I notice that my husband is much more stressed when I give him the list of things that went wrong that day all the time. It's fine to talk about things to your best friend, but a general cheerfulness is nice. 🙂
Alesha says
Patty, I have to agree with you- my husband has said several times that fertility is attractive! Be it the curves of pregnancy or nursing, or the potential to get pregnant, he means it!
Also, it is important to believe our husbands when they tell us they like how we look. Don’t put words in their mouths and force them to agree with our own insecurities or ideas of what they think. Trust them, thank them and be confident in their praise!
Also, similar to what you said, Patty, I have noticed that my husband picks up his emotional cues from me. If the house is crazy and I’m upset and dump my stresses on him the moment he walks in the door, he doesn’t want to be there and then I feel bad and the evening is shot. It’s worth it to pick up a few toys while walking by the door, straighten the shoes, stack the dirty dishes, and hastily clear the table or even just one of those things even if dinner isn’t cooked, the kids are crying and you’re nursing the baby when he walks in. This, combined with a smiling welcome and a positive highlight of the day can do wonders.
Theresa says
Thank you so much for this post. My second child (my son) is 3 months old and I have been working through my feelings on being heavier and flabbier than I'd like. When my daughter was tiny she was very ill and I was so focused on her that I didn't notice how bad my figure had been until after I had it mostly back. My son is healthy so I started noticing how I looked much earlier and I wasn't happy with it. It isn't just that I'm carrying extra weight, but that I am flabbier than I used to be and even with regular exercise it will be a while until that is better. I have been slowly coming to terms with the fact that no matter how much weight I loose I will never look exactly like I used to. What has helped me is to use this as an excuse to “reinvent” my image. Instead of relying on my figure to make jeans and a t-shirt look good I've started wearing more skirts and cute tops with matching shoes. I found a lot of my new wardrobe at a thrift store and after some looking and a few trips I am well on my way to remaking my wardrobe on a budget. I try to stick with classic pieces in colors that suit me from good brands that I know will last. I originally started doing it because I figured that if I was going to buy new clothes anyway, at least skirts and knit tops would fit longer. However, I quickly realized that my husband loves my more feminine look and gives me real complements most days. As silly as it sounds, I feel prettier when I dress in a more feminine manner and my husband really appreciates the extra couple of minutes I spend on my appearance each day. His smile makes me feel prettier than any mirror ever could.
Margo says
I love your advice, Auntie Leila – I learned some things. Having a baby took apart my world and it took a while for me to recover. I was dealing with post-partum depression too (and took meds after a while), but my midwife advised me to get rest, sunshine, exercise, chocolate, cuddling, and to pray. That helped me a lot.
Exercise, especially pilates and yoga, is very helpful to me now. I feel powerful and graceful when I’ve been doing them – and my husband is very complimentary about it too.
My husband and I both swear by Color Me Beautiful!! Another book that I enjoyed reading, from the library, was How Not to Look Old. . . .about wearing pink lipstick, not dark. . . wearing dark jeans. . . wearing the right underthings. . . other stuff that I now forget.
Breanna says
I hear the ladies on the nursing bras! The best inexpensive (or less expensive) brand I've found is Gillian & O'Malley at Target. But they seem to have discontinued the style I really liked. My best recommendation with the nursing bra is to go ahead and get a new one when you need it. I know it seems wasteful, but really, when something gets holes in it or has little bits of lace falling off of it, it's time.
RubberChickenGirl says
So much funny stuff but this is profound:
“It is, you know. Even when a woman isn’t a physical mother – if she is a religious sister, or not given the gift of physical children in her marriage – she’s called to motherhood as the fulfillment of God’s plan for her.”
I totally agree.
I have been going through a fashion midlife crisis. What to wear that does not look frumpy and what to wear that doesn't look like a wanna-be-sixteen year old. Which made me take note of your spandex comment. Some of those firmers that are tanks roll up and the firmers that are on the bottom roll down. Anyone have a recommendation on a food bit of spandex?:O)
Do NOT get me started on strapless either!!
RCG
PS I followed this blog that I found via The Nester. She now has an e-book about wardrobing based on a series she just recently did that I just noticed today. http://www.thetinytwig.com/2011/11/29/no-brainer-…
nilzed says
sadly the trick to dealing with the tops rolling up and the bottoms rolling down seems to be: wear both.
make sure they are the right size. if either one of them is actually too small, the double elastic at the waist will punish you. But if they both actually fit, they hold each other in place. Yes, they are meant to squeeze you into shape, but all they are going to do is make the right size clothing fit right. Wearing too small squeezy garments in an attempt to squeeze into too small garments is just a recipe for misery and will look way worse than wearing the proper size.
Speaking of SIZES: go here, read this. It's more What Not to Wear advice:
http://www.soompi.com/forums/topic/367428-celebri…
Doesn't that just change everything? Nothing is ever going to fit. No matter you are shaped. The numbers on the tags mean nothing, and the body shape clothes are made to fit doesn't exist.
I worked in a department store in the mid 80's. They were remodeling, and as part of that, getting rid of most of the tailors and seamstresses. Most of them were well over retirement age, and very few young women and even fewer men were trained in the work anymore. Store clerks used to help people find the clothes that fit where they had to fit, and the seamstress or tailor would come to the dressing room, put a few pins in, and take the garments. For a fee, you picked them up the next week (or for larger fee, the next day or maybe that evening) and they would FIT. But times were changing. The store couldn't find the workers to hire as home-ec was disappearing from schools and young women didn't want to do the work. And even fewer young men. The customers were too impatient to wait for the work to be done on everyday clothes and not willing to pay another $5-20 for the service. Not to mention that the clothes were more cheaply made, without the extra fabric in seams and hems to allow much adjustment. Tailoring went the way of the dinosaurs, except for men's suits and women's formal and bridal wear.
Now, I'm sure most of us aren't going to find the time or money to have EVERYTHING tailored. But it's worth learning how to shorten a hem, at the very least. If you can find someone who ever learned how to properly sew, maybe they will do the work, or teach you. And for dressier clothing, it's probably worth taking it to a tailor (dry cleaners often do the work) to get it adjusted.
Liz says
Thank you so much for this lovely post focusing on something so obviously troubling to so many women! I love your discussion of the topic, and especially that you had your husband chime in too! I constantly have to remind myself of what he said, that “The husband wants his wife. He knows who you are. Yes, you want to look good for him, but he understands you and what makes you the way you are and look – it’s you he wants.” Thankfully I was blessed with a husband who lovingly reminds me of this very thing whenever I feel a bit attacked by body issues and self-doubt. For me it has been so helpful to think of my self in terms of how my HUSBAND sees me, not the way the WORLD sees me. Of course first and foremost we need to focus on how our Lord sees us, but I have found it easier to battle the self-hating voice when I remember that I am pleasing to my Father AND to my husband!
Ginger says
This was fabulous. I have a 3.5 and 5.5 and yes I couldn't agree more about the not feeling like myself anymore. I spazed out after number one.
1. My mother used to always push us off to the shower as the first thing to do to feel better. I remember being sick and being no the couch, and her insisting I take a shower….And she was right, I felt better. Within one hour of giving birth, I showered and felt better.
2. Go on youtube and punchin the “five minute makeover.” It is amazing what five minutes of make up will do to perk me up.
3/ Get 20 minutes of sunshine…..It is a must
4. 48 ounces of water.
Sue says
I so appreciate your balance between practicality and thoughts of the spirit. I wish I could take you shopping with me; I could use the encouragement!
justamouse says
Just when I think you've written my favorite post, you top it. Yes. Yes to everything.
Sleeves-The thing with sleeves, is that even if you're rather slim, you're still going to get bigger mommy arms. It comes with picking up toddlers all day long. And though they are all muscle, they look big.
Yes to a good haircut. I went from almost to my rear, to short and stacked, but I also went from feeling wretched and frumpy (pony 24/7), to short and sassy in that one cut. So the What Not to Wear paradox is the gosh darned truth. And so is Color Me Beautiful. I didn't know much about fashion until I hit my mid 30s (before then I was so slim I didn't need to know about it, it all hung well) but one thing I did know, is that I'm an Autumn. And knowing cuts out half the bad decisions, because you know what colors you need to stay away from.
Cute jammies are a must. No white dingy tee shirts. You start to feel like a white dingy tee shirt. My mother always bought me a new pair of adorable jammies with every baby. And what wonderful woman culture, to give a new mommy pretty jammies.
Sarah says
I think Anne Lamott said of the time after giving birth, “When I lie on my side in bed, my stomach lies politely beside me, like a puppy.” It is true, and so alarming! I am planning to get some sort of stretchy binder for it next time, and then some kind of shapewear for when I'm up and about more. The only thing, I think, it not to let accommodations like this convince one that one doesn't need to rest right after birth. Resting then is so important.
One thing I try never to forget in the mornings, even if I do nothing else to my face, is to comb my eyebrows upward, then smooth along the brow line with my finger and a bit of hair gel. Full brows are youthful and nice, but if the hairs are pointing downward or all over the place, one looks tired and grumpy. This is easier than makeup and makes a real difference. Some people (me) may also benefit from trimming carefully along the brow line with scissors, for a more polished look with little or no plucking.
maddie says
This is the best article of its kind that I've ever read!
Thanks so much, to all of you!
Sara says
I didn't think I had much to add here, but reading this a second time, with all the wonderful responses, made me realize how much it hit home with me.
When we were very young and newly married, my husband made an unfortunate remark that has haunted me for years: Don't ever start to look like your mother! Me, again: Now, my mom was not unattractive, but she was always 40 lbs. overweight with a big belly and butt. And guess what? My sister looks like a barbie-doll and I look exactly like my mom!
I haven't lost the baby weight after each baby, but kept 5-10, which adds up with 6 babies! Even after the first one, where I was only 10 lbs. heavier than my pre-pregnancy weight, I was very ashamed and didn't want my husband to see me. It took a long time, and a lot of reassurance from him (though I'm not sure I've mentioned his remark more than once in 25 years), but now I finally realize that he does think like The Chief. He loves me for who I am and respects my body for the incredible work it has done in giving him 6 children.
As for looking good, I highly recommend watching What Not to Wear because it is all about dressing the body you have now. They can be pretty snarky, but they do treat each woman as beautiful no matter what her size or shape.
Finally, there's *feeling* good. For me, that means eating low carb/gluten free. If it eat the way my body is happiest, even if I don't lose weight, I still feel happier & more pleasant. Whatever your eating style, you should feel good after eating, not bad (as in bloated, heartburn, etc.).
April says
I'm a devoted reader of your blog and as a Catholic, homeschooling mom of seven (so far!) 14yrs-12mos…your posts are very relevant to my day-to-day life. I loved this past post and just wanted to share a book that I found a couple of years ago…also written by a mom of many http://www.amazon.com/Its-Fitting-Fashion-Your-Li…
Thanks for all your wisdom, Aunt Leila! God Bless You!
Rachel says
What??? The cheapest price on this book says $54.00…USED? New for $232.00? Can that be right?
April says
Eeeek sorry about that! Don't pay those Amazon prices!!! At the bottom you'll find a link to the authors website with a much more reasonable price of $20 for a single copy or $38 for two!! You won't be disappointed and I'd go ahead and take advantage of the two book offer as I'm sure you'll want to share it! There's a chapter on modesty for young women which is perfect for tween or teens in your life. Not too mention the sections just for postpartum moms. http://www.marysheehanwarren.com/gallery.html
Kathryn says
Great post! It is really hard when you have a baby and your body stops cooperating with you! The only thing I would add is try and get some exercise. 30 minutes three times a week and enough to get your heart rate up and sweating. I always feel thinner and more toned after a run, and the adrenaline will give you lots of energy (better than a cup of coffee).
Amy says
SO here are my additions. Also how did I miss the post on showering? I must have taken your advice and skipped it for now because I didn't have enough time. Anyway…
1. Color Me Wonderful is great. No matter what color my hair is I am still an autumn. I still look great in these colors. Don't fool with mother nature you just end up with a punch of clothes you ike in the store and don't wear.
2. My sister and I are both larger woman and we have agreed to not buy anything unstructured and knit for the next 2 months. For our size there is a lot that is unstructured and knit and it makes up look dody, unfinished, casual, awful. Yes we are comfortable but we look like we just crawled out of bed, not good for a professional office.
3. When you can try to take some extra time to do a simple manicure or pedicure. I mean clip those nails, file and massage. It makes me feel so much better.
Thanks for the post.
Alexis says
1. Having a post pregnancy body is like having battle wounds…permanent symbols of your great sacrifice. Wear them proudly (it gets easier with time)
2. FREYA BRAS. Nursing and non-nursing. I would rather have one or two new bras that really fit well after a baby then anything else. It is that part of your body that goes through the most permanent metamorphosis and investing in a couple of good bras will make you feel like you've lost 10 lbs.
3. Rosie is 100% right about What Not To Wear…it is a show that is really doing something good for the women in this culture…I would never have guessed it but it is truly a game-changer.
4. I can't say the bra thing enough.
Anne-Marie says
Speaking as someone who is 30 lbs overweight despite having nursed 7 children, let me strongly second the advice to talk to your husband. It should not be a one-shot statement, but an ongoing conversation. My husband is the biggest encourager of my efforts to look attractive, but not because he wants me to look like a model. Rather, he wants me to feel myself as beautiful as he finds me. The soft flesh, the stretch marks, the varicose veins–to him, those are like the battle scars of a warrior. They are the marks of a great prize having been won. He loved the thin, clear-skinned girl of 22 that he married, but now he loves the 46-year-old mother of his children who has shared decades of life with him.
Anne says
Auntie Leila is so right about being clean and smelling good, even on my grumpiest frumpiest mornings if I can get myself in and out of the shower I can do my day. (and in the evening if you can take out time for a bath perhaps with some lovely lavender salts, even 8 months pregnant that makes me feel attractive!) I suggest a nice bathrobe for all the things that happen BEFORE the shower. happens with mom in her (lovely)
Also, sometimes when I feel my worst (just. used. up.) is when my husband and sisters think I look beautiful. When I said this to my sister once, she said to me that she thinks that “used up” look contributes to looking beautiful because you look like someone who has given everything that she has out of love for her family and that is very beautiful. And a beauty that cannot be faked.
Also, I was recently watching a show about a woman who was feeling insecure after having a baby and my husband walked in and said “you never look that bad after you have a baby.” What a boost! I never look as bad as that beautiful blonde actress! I bet your husband thinks the same about you!
Trisha says
Your husbands comments made me cry. How easy it is for me to complicate things, but my husband's love for me is really quite simple. Thank you for the beautiful reminder.
Megan says
Thank you for this post! I thought it was really great advice.
I have struggled with my body image for my whole life. From the time I was a freshman in Highschool and weighed 110 pounds till after I had my 2nd baby was born and I was 40 pounds overweight. The funny thing was that it didn't seem to matter that much how I looked, the voices in my head would find something to criticize all the time. I think God finally showed me what Luke 6:37 meant and I have made myself completely stop thinking critical things about any ones appearance ever. If I see a 300 pound woman wearing stretch pants I will find something nice to think about her appearance (maybe she has nice skin, maybe she has great hair). In doing this I have found for the first time in my life freedom from the critical voices in my own head have and I have been able to appreciate the ways God has blessed me and not focus on my body's faults.
Veronica Greear says
such a lovely post! i have to say, notice and think about the people you think are attractive. when i was struggling with body image issues in college (oh the insanity, since I was fit and thin!) a counselor helped me realize that there were people of EVERY age and size that I truly thought were beautiful! so why was it if I gained a single pound i was utterly convinced of my ugliness? this was the starting of healing for me. true beauty of the inside will be found on the outside. thats not platitude, it is truth! and we should do what we can to accent it, with all that auntie leila advised. i would add, i try to “define my waist” a la “What Not To Wear” whenever I can:)
Betsy M says
I had to laugh when I got to Trisha's comment – to be honest this entire post had me in tears. I just laugh at how your timing is PERFECT. I am one of those who end up skinnier after each child, NOT meaning to. I am tall and large boned and get bony looking when I loose weight, which is how I currently look. The fact that I am wearing clothes that are two sizes bigger than they should be looks even worse!
The biggest problem with this is purchasing clothes – I need to buy talls and they are almost never off the shelf in my small town. It is just overwhelming to go and purchase all new clothes when the baby is sick, and the house needs cleaned ,and I have laundry to do, and kids need food, etc. I never make this a priority but today I will. Thanks.
Oh, and good point about the makeup every day. I am one of those who puts it on when going out. Not any more though. I can already here it – “where are you going Mom??” coming from all the kids every morning. 🙂
Betsy M says
It should be “hear” not “here” – woops. Please excuse my spelling.
Rebekka says
Online shopping! Sometimes it is just worth it to pay for shipping and not have to run in and out of stores (with your cranky entourage!) that don't have anything anyway! You can try stuff on at home, ask your husband his honest opinion, and send it back if you hate it. Old Navy, while obviously not top of the line in any way, carries tall sizes on their website (stores only have up to long) with up to a 36″ inseam and tops, sweaters, and dresses in tall too. It's not somewhere I'd buy my entire wardrobe but you can get tide-me-over basics in extended sizes for not too much money.
Laura Jeanne says
Leila! I can't tell you how happy I was to open Google Reader and find this post.
These things are all things I have been thinking of a lot lately. I have been trying to get myself out of a crisis situation lately where it comes to my appearance. I am 33, and to be honest I haven't really bought any clothes for myself since I was working as a receptionist at age 25. Since I have gained weight over the years of having babies (I just had my 4th this past spring), a lot of the clothes I wear are my husband's old clothes, maternity clothes, or even clothes I bought in highschool in the 90s when big baggy shirts were cool. I recently gave all my clothes that were too small to my 12 year old daughter, who will soon be taller than me. But I didn't replace them. My closet is a wasteland.
Shortly after my last baby was born, I went to the grocery store one day wearing old black jogging pants that had a big hole in the crotch, white socks, and black clogs. I looked at myself and said “You have hit rock bottom, woman, you can't get any frumpier than this! Do something about it!” So I've been trying really hard to improve my appearance. After reading your showering post a while back, I started getting up early (when the baby wasn't up all night, anyway), showering and putting on makeup before the kids even get up.
I still haven't bought myself any new clothes though, other than a few shirts at the thrift store. I only own two pairs of pants (I threw out the jogging pants) and they are both old, unflattering jeans. It is something I struggle with. When I go out shopping, I always think I should buy things for the kids. I want all 4 kids to have a perfect, complete wardrobe before I spend a penny on myself. I don't know why, I just feel so wasteful and extravagant if I buy myself clothes. Nice clothes are expensive.
Also, I am trying to figure out what to do with my hair. It is long, but very slippery and straight and it won't do anything I want it to. I need to figure out something though, as I am really getting tired of it the way it is.
I am currently reading a book by Sophia Loren called Women and Beauty which is very good. She talks a lot about the things that make a woman beautiful, and it's not all physical. I like that she says motherhood is the most important thing for a woman, too. It's old and out of print but some libraries have it.
Deirdre says
Can I chime in here as ‘Deirdre, Amateur Hairstylist?’
Laura Jeanne —
If I could see you and get a sense of your hair, I would know best what product to recommend. Not knowing the precise length, thickness, and quality of your hair, and not knowing your facial shape, etc., I can’t magically intuit what would be best for you. But I *can* intuit that finding the right product will make your life easier.
– For manageability (in 98% of situations, especially with straight hair), hairspray is key. It doesn’t have to be expensive hairspray by any means. (Right now I’m liking Dove which I get at CVS when it’s on sale.) Get the strongest hold version – and use plenty – when you’re doing any kind of style. Whether you’re just trying to get a nice pony tail to stay in place or you want to make a simple bun happen… all the way to making a curling iron have results in your hair, hairspray is the answer. Professionals will talk about the 4 other high-end products they use (as product placement), but in the end they all rely on hairspray.
– For volumizing/softness, you might want to try out a mousse or a texturizing creme/gel/spritz. Generally these will be products you’ll use on towel-damp hair. If your hair is stick-straight and especially if you’re feeling maybe a little gaunt, having some softness and added texture to your hair might make you feel warmer and more feminine. From your description of how you feel right now, I’d imagine that *softness* would be a good word for you to go for.
– I don’t know what ‘long’ means for you, but you might want to take some time in front of the mirror to think critically about the length — it might make your life easier and be more flattering for you to lose some of it! My hair is healthy and my fiance likes it long, so for now it stays. But if my priority were to have it at a length that would make it easier to style, I would definitely cut it. Surprisingly, very long hair can often be more difficult in terms of figuring out styles (especially if you don’t have time for bobby pins, etc.) than short/shoulder-length hair.
Laura Jeanne says
Dierdre, thank you for your advice!
Next time I am at the grocery store I will pick up some hairspray. I guess it is unrealistic of me to expect a bun to stay in all day with no product…although how did women do it in the past?
Mousse is an idea–I haven't used that since I was a teenager. The only problem is that you have to blow dry your hair, and I have a weird phobia of that…I am always afraid I am burning and ruining my hair. (Okay, I am really making myself sound like a looney today aren't I?)
My hair is halfway down my back. It's thin, but very shiny and slippery like a little girl's hair.
Ashley says
Laura Jeanne, your hair sounds just like mine. Left to its own devices, it's very slippery and shiny, and I've always had a hard time keeping it away from my face. A few months ago, I went to a new (well-reviewed) hairstylist, and said, “I don't mind what you do to it, as long as it's not too edgy and I don't spend more than 5 minutes on it every day – because if it takes longer than that, I won't do it.” I walked out with the easiest cut I've ever had, and it makes me feel great. I spend 5 minutes with the blowdryer, top it off with a good hairspray (Deirdre, you're so right! I resisted hairspray for years, and feel so silly now!), and I don't worry about it for the rest of the day. Such a relief. If you can find someone you trust to give you a good haircut, instead of (like me) trying to make your hair into something it's not, go for it. Good luck!
Catherine says
Laura Jeanne,
Women in the far past used sugar water. It worked just like hairspray, being sticky and wet. When dry, it held the hair quite well. I think it was hard on the hair though, drying it out. I've heard that hairspray is also hard on your hair, but I'm not sure. Dierdre sound much more knowledgeable. I have heard that mousse is healthier for your hair then hairspray (once it dries, you can brush it out and your hair is soft, but has more volume; hair spray can only be removed with water and leaves your hair crispy-feeling, at least in my experience).
I have long straight hair the same length as yours. I think its thin, but my friends say its thick. Maybe it is half way between, but it certainly has no volume on its own (and I don't know how to “style” my hair and I never do anything fancy with it). I part my hair down one side, and flip over the hair. If I want a nice “poof” of hair, I will put the mousse on when my hair is wet and shape it, but I never blow-dry it. I just let it air dry. Once dry it is hard, but if I brush it out, it becomes soft, like I never put anything on it, but has a good “poof”. Also, I use hair clips, the kind big enough to twist all your hair up at once on the back of your head (or pull only the top half up). This is a great alternative to a ponytail. It is just as quick, but looks much more stylish and not at all “frumpy”.
Hope some of this might be helpful.
Deirdre says
Hairspray will definitely help with a bun (and, indeed, almost every style). In the past they used other things that had the same effect as hairspray! They also didn’t wash their hair as much, so there were more natural oils to be working with for manageability.
Some kinds of mousse don’t require blow-drying, and some that even work better when left in damp hair for texturizing purposes. Although figuring out which is which is more of an experimental process, which you might not have time for.
As for the blow-drying concern, I absolutely relate! 🙂 I always say you *need* some kind of product in your hair before blow-drying, as protection from the heat (unless you have crazy-durable, strong hair). Most mousses would protect your hair while drying. But blow-drying also takes up time and, even when you’re using the right products, does eventually wear on hair. If you can do without it, power to you! (I can’t; at this time in my life, I have the extra minutes in the morning for a blow-dry. Later I might opt for an easier cut. Or just move somewhere where it’s warm so I can go outside with wet hair! 🙂
One last thing! Lately I’m a fan of the sock bun trick http://www.threepinkdots.com/2011/10/put-sock-in-… It’s extremely easy to do and fun!
AnneStrawberry says
If you're nervous about blow drying, try putting the little plastic piece that comes with your blow dryer onto the end of the nozzle (I think it's called a concentrator). You virtually can't get the hairs sucked into the dryer that way (speaking from experience!) My hair sounds a lot like yours and product is the only way I can get it to do anything besides be slippy. My hair stylists always say I need to color it and give it some more damage but I'll take the time to apply a little product instead. I never used to blow dry it since it would dry straight anyway but it looks so much nicer blown dry. Give it a try!
So many wonderful comments on this post, ty!
Anne-Marie says
I have a couple more thoughts for those who feel overwhelmed, because I too have felt (and do still sometimes feel) overwhelmed by the time and/or money required to really improve my appearance.
1. Be patient with yourself. Especially if you have a newborn, some days getting dressed and combing your hair may be all the grooming you can manage. That's okay. Other days will be better.
2. Start with changes that are free or almost free. Maybe you already own some pretty scarves or some jewelry that you can make a point of wearing more often (on the same principle as not saving makeup for special occasions only; I don't wear makeup, but I do put on a bracelet and/or necklace almost every day). Showering is almost free and you can get nice-smelling lotion at the dollar store.
3. When it comes to making additions, focus on what you can do with the limited time and money you have. Spending the time to figure out your best colors and shapes saves time in the long run. Also, I know I'm sort of contradicting Auntie Leila here, but sometimes it's better to get cheaper, decent quality in larger quantities than high quality in small quantities. If you can't afford a lot of new clothes, and don't have time to scout the consignment shops for cheap clothes, a couple of tees from Target may serve you better than one from L. L. Bean.
4. Be patient with yourself.
pippajo says
As a woman who is one of the 10% who balloon with a vengeance during pregnancy, breastfeeding (if I hear ONE more woman say, “Oh, it'll come right off if you just breastfeed) and beyond , I find it hard to believe that this advice applies to everyone. It seems a little too simple to say that the right haircut, a good manicure and proper underwear are going to help with the 100 lbs I've gained since I got married. And while I enjoy watching, “What Not To Wear,” I often find the show frustrating because I don't have $500 to spend on clothes for myself, let alone $5,000. Petite plus-sized clothes (I'm only 5'2″, which only makes it worse) are incredibly hard to find in thrift stores and are often very expensive because there's not a lot out there.
There's being disappointed in the changes in your body after a baby and then there's being completely unrecognizable and feeling like you've had a head transplant! What are girls like me supposed to do?
_Leila says
Woah there Pippajo.
It's just this — if you feel ambivalent about motherhood and your new body, it's not going to get you anywhere if you don't shower, do some personal hygiene, take care of your hair, wear clothes that fit and flatter, and find colors that suit you. And if you didn't breastfeed, it would all be worse.
It's not going to help you if you don't guard your eyes so that the proliferation of digitalized hyper-thin images don't warp your view of yourself.
And it's not going to help if you can't rely on your husband to love you for what you've given him.
I didn't say, even once, that I could take the weight off you or myself.
My post is about this: Give yourself your due, guard your eyes, and help your husband guard his. Then love and grace will do the rest for your spirit. As to the weight, well, I'm not claiming to have the answers on that one.
And yes, the show can be obnoxious, and usually I think they waste the money! If we aren't doing the transformation in a week, and are willing to hunt around, I think we can get to their main point, which is do the best for yourself that you can — as you are now.
pippajo says
Oh, Leila, I hope I didn't make you feel defensive. I didn't mean to be contradictory or attack your advice! It's just that this topic (obviously) hits a nerve. But that is not your fault. Honestly, I composed and destroyed at least 5 different comments before posting that one; I probably should have gone with my gut and not said anything.
You are absolutely right. Thank you for taking the time to summarize your post for me so I could get the message without being overwhelmed by my emotions. I apologize for venting my frustrations on you and in public (in a manner of speaking). Please feel free to remove my comment (and your response and this one) from the queue if you've found them inappropriate.
I truly hope I haven't offended you. Please forgive me if I have. Does it help if I tell you I think I'm ovulating and am a hormonal mess?
Rachel says
Pippajo? Is that you in the picture by your name? Because whoever it is…she's gorgeous!!
_Leila says
Agreed! She's fun, too.
_Leila says
Oh, you didn't offend me, Pippajo! I always love hearing from you! I am hoping that it's clear, that's all.
Believe me, I know what it means to be unhappy with how I look and feel. And as I was writing the post, I thought, \”if someone is really struggling with overweight, I hope they know that I understand how difficult it is.\”
And isn't it interesting that there is a comment up there from someone who feels too thin…
Rabbit says
Before you wrote your follow up comment, I could tell this was coming from a frustrated place. I've been there, even though I've never had a baby. I'm still there, many a day! Especially because I am ~100# overweight, with PCOS making it very difficult to lose (and must be lost before I am given the green light to TTC).
I thought this post worked for every WOMAN, not just every mother. It just makes plain sense to me, to find the beauty in yourself by taking care of yourself. Really, how CAN anyone feel pretty if they haven't even showered? Leila, that's GENIUS. I know it's harder for a woman with a newborn than it would be for me, or a woman with older children or children who've flown the nest.
I don't have money for manicures, but I do have money for nail files and lotion so my hands always look neat. At 31, I've finally found out that my hair is truly wavy and that there are cuts for people like me and I actually look kind of nice!!! 🙂 I wear tinted moisturizer & mascara–simple, effective, and makes me look polished but not heavily made up. I'm hard to fit–short legs and short rise mean either I wear pants that are too tight in the crotch and too short in the leg OR baggy crotches hiked up waayyy past my waist. So I hear you–truly, I do. You'll get there!
BTW, I love the PJs thing too and have given them to many new mom friends. Might as well have something pretty and new to wear even while they're tired and recovering. 🙂
Gwenny says
One poster above described wanting her four children to be impeccably dressed. So she doesn't ever buy clothes for herself in order that they look amazing. I think it's easy to fall into that trap, but it really does you and your children a disservice. You want children that are well-presented; they want a mother that is well-presented. You aren't just dressing for yourself – you're dressing for your husband and children, your family.
I love Leila's posts on building a family culture by choosing a family motto, etc. I think looking attractive is part of building a family culture. Not spending so much money on yourself that your children have sneakers full of holes, but also not spending so much money on your children that you don't even have a pretty dress to wear to Mass.
Gwenny says
For my part, I am still working on building a decent wardrobe. We lived in a warmed climate before we started having children. Much of my wardrobe consists of pretty, fun, and flirty sundresses (and also lowcut! Did anyone else find, after they began having children, that they desired much more modesty?? It's like, now that I've finally realized the function of my body, I don't want to show so much of it.) These dresses are no longer suitable ten months out of the year like they used to be, and are certainly not easy to breastfeed in. Also, my undergarments are severly lacking.
Leilla, would it be too much to ask you to post more specifically about what should constitute a women's underwear drawer? You've done this already for children's wardrobes (laying out exactly and how much of what is needed, I mean.) I don't think I'm the only woman who would find it helpful. You're the best and your posts are always spot-on!
RubberChickenGirl says
Oh, yes, I forgot to tell you that I call nursing “Baby Liposuction”. It happens gradually for me. It takes more months the older you get so nursing 6 weeks is not going to get it done. When I lost twins and thus had no baby lipo it was sooo hard to lose weight at all.
Aaannnddd, I love the vintage clothes you put up! Where did you find the greenish (gold on my monitor) dress??
RCG
_Leila says
Click on the captions for the sources.
cirelo says
It is also important to keep medical causes in mind when looking at ourselves and how we feel. While it's normal to gain weight and sometimes hang on to it while breastfeeding you may have an underlying thyroid condition. This is surprisingly common. http://thyroid.about.com/cs/basics_starthere/a/my…
If I knew I was eating well and taking care of myself and didn't feel well a year after the birth (that is if I wasn't pregnant again, haha) I wouldn't hesitate to explore other possible conditions. A friend used to not shed a pound during breastfeeding, but after her 4th was born she was diagnosed with celiacs disease and found after cutting out gluten that her weight problems were largely resolved. I know several women with thyroid malfunction that leave them tired and heavy after pregnancies. Also, having many babies can really leave you physically depleted and giving yourself time to build up your reserves between pregnancies might help you avoid problems like adrenal fatigue which could keep you from looking and feeling your best.
Suzy says
Lovely post, and the comments are fantastic. Thank you to everyone who took a minute to share their wisdom!
I am now a mother of 5 children on earth, age 8 and under. This topic was a big struggle for me in my twenties and as a new mom. Part of me died when I became a mother. For a long time, I only thought it was my youth and independence. And I mourned her! But slowly I realized that my selfishness had also died. Motherhood was transforming me, inside and out. I had to let go of the pretty teenage version of myself. I was never going to be her again. My pre-birth hips were gone forever, and good riddance! And I let go of the 20-something, she is long gone now too. Gone are the days of play dates with toddlers, gone are the smooth, clear legs I once had. In her place, I am now a strong, capable 30-something. I have beautiful laugh lines, grey hairs of wisdom sprouting, my hands can work hard, my mind is still somewhat clear. My husband loves it that I will sit and eat a cup of ice cream or drink a beer with him and not worry about my figure. (I am about 20lbs overweight, size 14) Most important, I am becoming beautiful on the inside. Letting go of vanity and no longer thinking that beauty is on the outside. I feel so sorry for those who chase their youthful appearance, or define beauty by youth. In a few years, we will all be dead and buried. Before that, our bodies will age and fail us, if we're lucky enough to live that long. We can either accept it or fight it. How we lived our lives will be what was remembered. I don't want to be remembered for being pretty. I want to be remembered as the gal who had all those children, the one who was a good friend, a devoted wife and loving mother.
Thanks for the reminder and encouragement to make an effort. That really is important to take care of ourselves. Exercise for the mind and the body, it keeps us happy and strong. Don't forget to brush your teeth! And sunscreen! I recently realized I can't shop at the “teen” stores any more. Goodbye, Old Navy. Hello women's department.
Some of my most beautiful friends radiate beauty from the inside. Their actions, their kindness, their devotion to Christ – it shines through. I don't see the imperfect bodies any more. I see their love. The people that “get” that – those are the friends I want to have!
Ps I absolutely LOVE your blog. What a service of charity you are giving to us, passing along wisdom and encouragement. As a mom in the trenches, thank you, from my heart, thank you!
Aunt Sue says
Caring about how you look is about having self-respect. if you look like something the cat just dragged in, the people around you will get the sense that you are unhappy or that you just don't care and your husband, I think , will begin to resent it a little because your husband is working hard so you and your children can be well cared for. If you look awful it will make him feel that he isn't a good provider.
I also think that if you feel like you look cute, you act a little bit more cute and flirty with your husband. They usually like that.:)
Missy says
I find your blog so inspirational, is there a place here to leave questions for Auntie Leila?
_Leila says
Missy, you can just email me! leilamarielawler at gmail dot com
I get a lot of emails — some I answer privately. If something seems of general interest, I will post about it. In your email, you can tell me if I may publish your question — if someone forgets, I ask!
God bless!
Liz says
Ha! This post couldn't have come at a better time! I just returned a book to the library about “what you should wear” and was horribly disgusted by the rail-thin models in the book. It is infuriating to see how the fashion world projects these unhealthy standards onto women and girls (and now boys too – have you seen those skinny jeans!) Thank you for reminding me that the stretch-marks, flabby belly and thick arms are not something to lament but appreciate as a “road map of motherhood”. I wouldn't trade my body changing babies for the world!
Aunt Sue says
Liz,
There is a book form the ninety's I think called HOAX fashion formula. The woman who wrote it is a plus size model and it shows how to dress for your figure type. She has a reference in the back with what types of cuts, collars etc look good on what body type. Its really good. Sue
Liz says
Thanks Sue! I will look it up at the library. I am half tempted to sign up for that “What Not To Wear” show, except I am too embarrassed to have them see my wardrobe!
Elissa says
This isn't exactly pertinent to Ellie's question, but in the general context of body image and mothering, I find it helpful to remember that my body is 6 years older than it was when I started out on this mothering thing- some of the changes are due just to age, and not to my 3 kids! I say this because I can get drug down by the 'look what mothering has done to me' mentality, and it just isn't fair to my kids or my husband. Or myself. And when I think of it that way, well, I remember that while parts of me are certainly more squishy, I have fabulously toned arms from carrying around 3 babies in succession. And I'm not sitting at a desk all day, I'm on my feet running the house, I'm playing tag in the front yard, and going for (short) walks with my kids nearly every day- so I don't assume automatically that I'm less fit than I would currently be if I didn't have any kids.
_Leila says
Elissa– great points! I myself was so surprised what \”pumping baby\” did for my upper-body strength, of which I had none when I got started.
Rebekka says
I think also that we tend to underestimate grooming to a very extensive degree, especially when there's a sort of “shabby”/effortless thing going on with the people we see in the media. But if you really look at celebrities and public figures in the media, they are really NOT all jaw-droppingly beautiful. Some are of course, and maybe a little more than in the general public, but for the most part they are running on a youth, event-appropriate clothing that fits properly, and impeccable grooming. Now we don't all have youth anymore, and they've got money and stylists on their side, but grooming and fit will go a long way!
Aunt Sue says
I read once that some designers will make the celeb wearing their evening gown get “Spot LIpo' for any bulge or imperfection that makes the dress look less than perfect.
Sarah says
Thank you, Leila, for nurturing the hurt and confused young woman who still lives in my although I am now 49!Unlike other commenters to this wonderful post, my husband was not helpful on this subject or gentle with me. He was disappointed with my postpartum appearance and impatient to have me “back to normal”. Somehow this made me even less able care for myself. I see now that I didn't want to be pretty, because I didn't want to be signal availability and normalcy. I didn't feel available or normal. I felt bombarded on all sides with demands that seemed to require that I give up any boundaries or privacy whatsoever. We did not have good communication about this and at times were bitterly divided.
I agree with all your practical suggestions. Followed, they will help us feel more self-respect and thus live our mission as mothers more fully. I agree even more with your statement that making the transition from bride to wife is an Advent journey. We are called to cast away the works of darkness and put on the armor of light. In this young-motherhood context (as in all others!) this means working from the inside out, trusting that acting from a loving place will bring loving results. It's faith, baby, not works!
theresa says
How I wish that I'd read this thirteen years ago when I had my first, or even earlier this year before I had my seventh. I'm almost 40 and it's taken me years to get a handle on this sort of thing. (Then again I found your showering post a great help and my night things are deplorable – thanks for that tip) Before I had my first, my mother told me two things, firstly that giving birth was the worst pain that I'd even feel and that she left hospital after having twins wearing her pre-pregnancy clothes, I was happy to find her first point wasn't true for me, but I left hospital in the clothes that I'd worn in the day before, now I always tell freinds to be kind to themselves, take something soft, streatchy and pretty to wear home, it makes the world of difference.
Nancy says
I think each season in a woman's life gives her the opportunity to recreate herself. It can be fun if you can let go of your past season ( not important to me to have a 24 inch waist after children) and embrace the season that you are presently in ( I am now 55 and resort to solid colors with interesting assessories). The important point is to be healthy and interested in life.
I would say to young women to stop comparing themselves with peers, people in magazines and television, and to begin to work on their confidence in developing their own unique style. AND Lelia you said it… It begins with basic daily routines and knowing how to best style your hair.
Christy says
Wow such a great post!
I'm pregnant with my fourth baby in four years, and I'm still going through the same feelings about my changing body as I did with my first! The issues women feel about their bodies are just too close to our hearts to ignore. And I think its so important to appreciate yourself, even though things have changed after having a baby, to present yourself the best way you can. It makes you feel so much better!
I have young mom friends who have only had one baby and are still under 25 but have completely given up with anything to do with their appearance and I feel sad for them. It shows they feel somehow badly about themselves when they shouldn't. A little effort goes a long way!
Thanks for your post!
K says
Ellie, what struck home with me about your question is that we not only have a 'before' body image, but we have a 'before' life as well. And as much as our culture has imbued me with guilt for doing so, I have only recently (3+ years after baby 1) realized the need to mourn my loss of that life and that self.
Sure, sure, in motherhood I'm a different, fuller version of who I was before… but I feel genuine resentment at having lost that life. I know I'm not supposed to, but I do. And coming to terms with that will, I'm sure, help me regain that humanity I lost hold of. And when you feel more human, the power of a good A-line skirt is multiplied!
nt12many says
Leila,
What a beautifully written post, especially concerning husbands and wives! You made me cry (but in a good way:). I know exactly what you mean by being bitter about the fashions of the 80's….at my skinniest I did not dress as femininely as I could have…primarily because the styles were very mannish. We have to remember that the industry is driven by those who (by and large) do not believe in or appreciate the unique loveliness of women! But, looking back (from my slightly tubby middle age) I wish I had worried less about my young body and just rejoiced in being a woman.
Again, a wonderful post.
Jill Farris ” target=”_blank”>http://www.generationalwomanhood.wordpress.com
Momof6 says
My goodness gracious……
Baby #6 in January. Life threatening blood clot in February. Weight gain as result of both. Baaaaaaad body image on the other end.
Thank you for showing me the balm in Gilead. 🙂
Amanda says
This post was such an encouragement, it just kind of affirmed what I've been doing. I have to say after my firstborn I struggled with that duality of mother vs. woman but it was kind of through really embracing the Catholic teachings on marriage and love and openness to life that I was able to slowly (very slowly, lol!) turn my thoughts around so by the time my second son was born I had come to see motherhood as most essential to being a woman, and therefore perfectly compatible with being (dare I say) sexy.
For new mothers I highly recommend borrowing Little Women and read the chapter (2/3 of the way through I think) where the mother gives advice to her eldest daughter who is home with twin babies. She has some really wise words about how to feel better, simple things like getting outside and going visiting every day for company, exercise, and sunshine. I agree with you about the shower too, I always shower first thing after giving birth, my nurses thought I was crazy and stood outside sure I was going to faint again but I insisted on washing my hair, lol!
By the way, i think it's hilarious that your rules for your own clothing are almost identical to my own. We must have similar builds though I'm still a new, young mom 🙂 I love the seasonal color theory too, in fact I'm gradually re-stocking my husband's wardrobe with colors that suit his 'season'. Silly man is a spring and has been wearing browns and olive greens lately, yuck!
Rochelle says
Great post! I've had 2 birth and 4 pregnancies (currently on the 4th) in 4 years….I'm here! I'm in the 10% where I'm within 10 lbs of my regular weight by about 10 days postpartum, but then I hold that until about 10 months when my baby goes crazy with extra nursing and I loose below my regular weight! Then I get pregnant and it all evens out again. 😉
As to style advice, yes, Color Me Beautiful is great. My parents love that book. 🙂 I also think extra fun accessories is the way to go…shoes (flat with a detail), bags, earrings, a bracelet…all help so much as far as feeling put together and cute, whatever your current size. I also love headbands. Longer shirts that a perhaps empire waist with an open neckline were great for me when postpartum/nursing. I also love to have a tank underneath/shirt over for nursing so one goes up and the other goes down: no exposed belly!! A belly band can also be nice postpartum…helps to keep the pants up/belly in. And I love dark jeans. Someone mentioned scarves; these are such a great way to get the color and focus up by your face.
Sleep and sunshine….I always have trouble getting enough of these after a birth (Feb babies anyone?)…but it's my goal to get out side as much as we can this summer with the newbie to soak up the sun. 🙂
Hannah says
The comment about holding the baby in front really hit home with me because after my daughter was born and died (two days later) I eventually acknowledged that I needed to go and buy clothes that fit my new and different figure. While shopping with a very dear friend I was fighting back tears as I was trying item after item and not liking the look and I said “I'm not supposed to be shopping for flattering clothes right now, I'm supposed to have a beautiful baby on my hip distracting from my extra lumps and bumps.”
My husband made the biggest difference in how I saw myself as one day about two months after my daughter died I still didn't want to be alone and so he sat in the bathroom with me while I showered. When I caught a glimpse in the mirror of my post-baby belly which was crisscrossed with angry red stretchmarks and made a nasty face at myself he asked what was wrong and I said “stretchmarks” to which he replied “No, they're beautiful. They're proof that Rita was here, proof that you carried her, proof of love.”
_Leila says
Hannah, thank you for your lovely comment. It was so sad to read, but so beautiful for how lovingly your husband responded to you. God bless.
nilzed says
I replied above, about sizes and tailoring. But wanted to chime in with one more thing. Research has shown that most older adults that are an appropriate weight, have always maintained their weight. It's worth it to basically choose a healthy weight, and excepting pregnancy, nursing, and illness, to work hard to stay within 10 lbs of that. (This weight is likely a little heavier and/or and differently shaped than your pre-pregnant self.) If your clothes get tight, a week or two of attentive eating and exercising should bring you back to normal size and nip any new bad habits in the bud. Once you start going up in sizes? Once you get used to being this much bigger, then that much bigger? Trust me, the more you have to lose, the harder it is. And once you have more than 20, or maybe 30 lbs to lose? It becomes an all encompassing effort and takes a very, very long time and any loss is much more difficult to maintain than if you never got so heavy.
Maintaining a steady weight will save you money on clothes if you don't have to keep cycle in and out of a fit and a fat wardrobe. It will also save money if you aren't wearing 'plus' sizes and therefore have a wider range of shopping choices at many price points in the first place, plus more sale rack and discount store options. If you can afford reasonably well made clothes, you can wear them for decades, or wear them again when styles cycle around. Even if your budget dictates thrift stores, or you are one of those women than can put together cool outfits from disparate pieces, wearing 'misses' sizes means you have more choice in nicer brands.
Cyndie says
Hi…. Leila, I am a longtime lurker! I just love your blog, and I found this post very helpful. It would seem that my wardrobe and grooming habits have never truly recovered from becoming a Mom and my “babies” are 7 and 12. In my defense I have had lots on my plate ……. namely a C- section, whooping cough ( for me and baby), becoming recently becoming a single Mom. But now I would like to get back to taking good care of myself, and that starts with the basics….bathing and dressing. A website I find helpful and inexpensive to help those of us who are wardrobe challenged is called MissusSmartyPants.( she is loosely connected to Flylady) The woman who runs it helps you figure out what looks good on your body type. Thanks so much for your wise, spiritual and uplifting posts.
Nifurmommy says
I firmly believe that after going through this myself with my first child, and struggling so, finally losing the weight only to find that I was in fact pregnant again, revealed to me that even though I would probably never see myself how others, esp my husband viewed me, that part of the miracle of God in childbirth is learning how MUCH you can love your children, and knowing that God loves you in the same way (that i the closest we will ever come to the understanding of how much…). And that he paired you with a mate who will also love you no matter what….I was very self conscious the first time around,being pregnant and postpartum – so much that i let it get in the way of my relationship with m husband and let it throw me into an unhealthy state emotionally. But during and after this most recent pregnancy I have been much closer to God and much more able to express how I feel, what I think, and the method in which we approached this entire experience is very different than last time. I am now almost a month postpartum, having had a beautiful baby girl naturally at our home, where my husband was involved in the birth itself, and has been very open and supportive and I feel not only more peace in who I am all mixing together into something beautiful, I am healthier and happier than I have been in a long time, and the weight is dropping off…but then again I am constantly chasing a two year old as well, lol. That in itself is tons of exercise! AND I do want to say that it's easy to get to where you don't want to leave the house much, but you could become vitamin d deficient which will contribute to that down-on yourself feeling, believe it or not. So go sit on the porch and drink some tea! life is fine… best wishes…
Nifurmommy says
ALSO** I forget where I read it but I saw somewhere that the not dropping weight after having baby was correlated with the amount of sickness the woman encountered and possible unknown gluten allergies that have never surfaced otherwise other than unable to drop the weight, so the weight that breastfeeding was designed to do doesn't happen because its being beaten to the source of why the woman is retaining the weight…just thought I 'd add that… 🙂
Annie says
Auntie Leila, with regards to having the appropriate underthings and night things, I agree that it’s a good idea, but I find myself with some impediments:
a. Even the inexpensive ones add up quite quickly.
b. Personally, for most of them I don’t feel comfortable buying them used.
c. My clothing budget is quite small, so if I buy the underthings I’d like, there’s not much left for outer things. Currently, I’m postpartum and I need both.
Do you have any advice on how to make this possible on a dime?
Bella says
Someone once said that it took your body nine months to grow a baby, so you should give yourself nine months for your body to go back.
Another factor that was life changing for me to learn about is diastasis recti. It’s where your abs separate during pregnancy or other stress to your abdominal muscles, and it can give you a bigger waist even with no weight gain. It’s very common. It can get worse with each pregnancy. So with a bosom full of milk and the normal stress on your abs, you may be at a very similar weight (factoring in the weight incurred by milk and milk production) but feel like a different woman. You can do physical therapy for it (lots on YouTube from actual PTs), and have good posture to avoid pushing out and straining your abs before they are ready. Lest it feel vain to focus on this, it can impact your health in many ways such as causing intestinal issues and make you weaker since your abs cannot help you in the same way they did. But also, don’t rush to workout or do crunches before slowly doing the proper PT exercises since it can make it worse. Thank you for all the lovely insights.