Dear Auntie Leila,
Thanks so much for your blog!
As a (grateful) convert to Catholicism and an only child, I love reading your blog for Catholic motherly advice and to see your large family enjoying each other and enjoying life. Being an only child, I am sometimes flummoxed by the bickering the children engage in and am not sure whether to ignore it or constantly get involved; if I don't stick my nose into it, will I miss a “teachable moment?” Shouldn't the kids act more loving to each other most of the time? What's with the teasing and, what appears to me, mean spiritedness? Am I creating an environment that encourages bickering? I don't think so but what else to blame? My husband has one sibling, an older brother, and says they ‘fought' all the time and our kids are perfectly normal and fine. (But really, is he an expert?) I know you'll say you aren't either – an expert – but I would appreciate any advice.
Thank you,
God bless,
Jacki
Dear Jacki (and all the other Moms who wrote to me on this topic — I told you I'd go through my emails and now I'm doing it!):
The trouble with parenting advice is the expectation that things are going to go perfectly right when you implement it. After all, when you look up why your car is running poorly, you don't want someone to tell you something like, “Do these things, pay this money, put up with the noise, and in a few years things will look up.”
Can you imagine that? of course not.
Family life is different. We can't fix things in that sense.
But what do we know? You're an only child, I'm an only child, we're taking advice from people who only have one child — ! It's crazy.
What I'd love you to understand, and I hope you can see me here in the third decade * (edited to say that Sukie says: “I think you're in your fourth decade of parenting now!” –yikes), alternately wringing my hands and waving my arms, is that the first decade is one thing, and the second decade is another.
All too often, the advice you get is for that first stage only. Ninety-nine percent of it is designed to make you feel super wonderful and avoid the reality of how very uncomfortable being a mother or father is. One percent is harsh, with no attention to how everyone grows in virtue little by little, according to human nature — parents too! But this latter kind is such a small threat that I only address it to strike it down as a straw man, the only real function of which is to frighten us back into wimpiness. Yes, we are paralyzed and dare do nothing more than cajole, bribe, threaten, sigh, and deep down feel like we got cheated.
After that? Got brats? You're on your own.
Well, indulge me by working backwards on the premise that we don't want to end up with unruly teenagers, an unhappy (or worse) marriage, and a sense of missed chances.
Here's what I hope for you: That your marriage, which has weathered some big changes, will be a friendship that is growing. That your habits towards each other, husband and wife, are those of kindness and delicacy, but that you haven't lost your sense of humor. That your children are people you like to be with. That if when they were little, you didn't notice anything in particular about their interests or personalities, you will be surprised now to see how much themselves they are becoming; and if you knew from the start that they were headed in a certain direction, you will rejoice in seeing that it turned out to be a good direction.
And that you will have done something more with your life than simply reacted to everything your kids did or didn't do! (My first rule of parenting, remember? Act, don't react!)
In that second decade, you become aware that the babyhood and toddlerhood and childhood of these persons were important for the bonds that developed between you — the trust, the love, the respect — and not for the success or failure of the individual days that you went through to arrive here. (My second rule: Don't seek affirmation from your kids! Why? Because true affirmation takes a long time!)
Making it to the second decade isn't easy because of the traps, which include thinking the “little” stage lasts forever; not liking your children (because you fail to teach virtue — they have no self-control!); not being united with your husband because you blame him for your discontent; and in general not building up your home in the first years, when the opportunity was ripe!
So in a way, you have to live through the first years with your eyes on the prize beyond. It's a paradox of time: While you are living in the here and now, appreciating the good things that surround you, you must also look ahead at yourself looking back and seeing these children as very little. Look at them from far above. Move your face closer to God's and try to see things as He does, with the long view.
I promise you that you will have all the grace you need to meet the challenge if you have the right goal in mind. The grace comes from God and is the fruit of marriage. Marriage isn't just a handy way to save on rent. It's the one and only institution that gives a man and a woman a fighting chance at surviving that second decade without wandering away from each other — and being able to offer the world children who will be a blessing to it.
God will give you the grace. I'll give you my six ideas for avoiding sibling rivalry — as long as you understand that nothing is perfect in this world. Jacki, your husband is right — some sibling rivalry is part of growing up. Especially a girl and boy are not going to get along well — not the way we moms want them to — and maybe that's a biological safeguard, you know? Because if you love your brother in the way we wish our daughters did, how would they ever leave home to marry anyone? It's hard enough as it is.
Six ideas for quelling sibling rivalry:
1. Children bicker and fight because they are in the habit of doing so (and because yes, they get some sort of attention for it). A habit is a repeated behavior. Right now, today, start creating an atmosphere of good manners and kindness. It's your job — a God-given authority — to rebuke, correct, and punish; but you also have to be loving.
Strict. And warm. Think and pray about how you can be both.
Don't tell your children to have good manners, make them have good manners, but warmly. Have you ever heard some moms? They are so rude in the very act of telling their children to behave. Some mothers interrupt their children at the moment they are greeting Mrs. So-and-so in order to “correct” them and tell them to greet her!
Listen to yourself! Would you talk to your best friend in that strained, artificial, frankly obnoxious tone? Not that you do that. Those other annoying moms do that. Still, these are your precious children! Use a reasonably normal tone of voice.
Tell them beforehand how you expect them to behave and then see if they do it, even if in their own way. There's always next time. Have an occasional role-playing session where you make a game of showing them exactly how to make eye contact, shake hands, be heard to ask and answer politely.
Be polite to your husband and don't treat him like one of the kids.
Insist that your children be polite and kind to you and to him — no “free passes” on this one. They shouldn't whine or yell! I mean, do they have the habit of whining just to get your attention? My kids could say whatever they wanted, but if their tone was not at least respectful, I stopped them and demanded a redo. If I was in the car and everyone was whining and complaining, I stopped the car. Just pull right over and tell them you are not going another inch until they can talk nicely. It's funny, because they usually don't actually care about going anywhere, but somehow, it gets their attention when you just won't move.
For one week, make this a priority — clear your mind and work on this. Tell them: “We're getting in the car now. If you make one noise that isn't pleasant, you will get a spank.” “We're getting out of the car now. If you can't do it pleasantly, you will stay in for five minutes and try again.” Imagine getting in and out of the car with harmony!
Make them hand the toy over again, this time with no grabbing. Make them walk by again, this time with no shoving or barging. If one is shouting, “SHE BUMPED ME!” then make her say it again. I bet you corrected the bumper but not the shouter! “How about, ‘My dearest, darling sister, please don't bump me!'” If we are all laughing, we can't be bickering, right?
Don't lecture. Just get them to do it. Naturally! And kindly.
2. Don't be the judge. Children are opportunistic little buggers and will take whatever advantage they can get. It's all a power play to them. Adult power plays are cases of arrested development! Think about this!
Now, developmentally, it's unrealistic to get a very young child to see things from others' points of view. That comes later, and much bad advice results from doing what is developmentally inappropriate.
Concentrate on letting small children know that there is no reward for their attempts to gain advantages over each other, rather than on trying to get them to feel what you consider to be the proper feeling. (Please, just give up on that. It's seeking affirmation from them — a no no! — in a very sneaky way.) How can you know what they are feeling? Do you remember being a child? Do you see how the adults had no idea what you were feeling, unless they had extraordinary insight and could see beyond your attitude?
Just concentrate on the action.
This means don't allow tattling. The tattler should be punished. If there is evidence of wrongdoing but you didn't actually witness it, punish everyone! Seriously!
Watch carefully so that you are not manipulated into the role of judge, because if you didn't see it, you will be an unjust judge! Even physical evidence can be misleading. I never knew the depths of childish depravity until one of my children, then grown, admitted that she bit her own arm to produce tooth marks in order to implicate her brother! Oh, I hear you thinking, “My children would never do that!” But you don't understand. I have the best children anyone has ever had. And they did stuff like that.
By punish everyone I mean take away the ball or doll or whatever is the bone of contention of the moment; make them all sit on the stairs; put the game on the high shelf; send them all outdoors; deprive them all of dessert; etc. Something immediate.
The result will surprise, astonish, and delight you, because what will they do?
They will unite with each other against you! They will giggle, find something useful to do, enjoy some long-neglected game, or decide to read to each other. In short, when you are the bad guy, they cease to find one amongst themselves. And that's what you wanted all along.
3. However! Observe them carefully and act, rather than react! to their tattling and complaining.
Don't react to the situation as they present it to you, but admit (at least to yourself) that you should have intervened five minutes earlier because you knew someone was getting tired or pushed beyond their limits, only you didn't have the self control to stop what you were doing to handle the issue. You talked an extra five minutes on the phone or took advantage of their absence to stay on the computer. If you have self control, they will (some day). If not, not.
Notice that they were getting bored and should have been put to work. Notice that one is truly picking on the other. Make him stop. Notice that one is intentionally passive because he knows you will come to his aid. Make him take his punches and stand up for himself. Better now than later.
Some children are indeed more compliant than others, but don't let this turn into a negative trait. Have you ever met adults like this? The ones who apologize when someone is rude to them? Auntie Leila says nip this in the bud.
4. Give the elder child more privileges. It's hard being the eldest and he or she should get something out of it. First dibs in certain choices, whatever the contested seat in the car might be, the spot next to you while you bake…. Yes, they have to carry heavier bags and chase toddlers while you are nursing. Let them have some favors as well.
5. Don't expect the younger child to be developmentally the same as the eldest, even if they usually play together, and especially if for some reason the younger one is a bit on the large side. Tall children have a hard time sometimes, because they are expected to act more mature!
But don't let him be a pest, either. Be fair and sometimes punish the younger one. He can't always be the victim; it's just not possible. Everyone has to try to be polite and kind, according to their abilities. Even a six-month-old can be taught to stroke a cheek, not scratch!
6. Most of all, build family honor and unity. Put it into words.
Say, “Smiths don't act that way.”
When you are out somewhere, remind them to help each other and defend each other. Talk about “the honor of the Smiths” and how “no one messes with a Smith!” Remind them that “we Smiths stick together.”
Sometimes it's best to simply say, “We don't do that.”
I'm for less talk overall; less coercive speech from Mom. But if you must talk, make your talk be not about how disappointed you are, blah blah blah — but about how their friends will come and go, but sisters and brothers will be each others' best friends and have each other forever. Tell them to be good to each other.
Quote Psalm 133: Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!
Remember my family motto post? Why not discuss with your husband the whole general idea of building family unity, according to your own tastes and hopes and dreams? Not for today — don't expect much today! For the second decade.
Clare says
Thank you so much! Your advice is so practical, but also so wise. I have a 3 and 5 year-old and we homeschool, too, so some days it seems all I hear is constant bickering! I will definitely be putting a few of these tips into practice, starting immediately!
p's w says
a few bits of advice to add to this wonderful post:
with helpful older children: make sure that their chore length doesn't get longer with each new sibling- delegate and teach jobs to the younger ones as well
I have a 4 year old boy and 2 year old girl- of course, he always wants the specific car she is playing with. He is not allowed to take it from her unless he offers a car to switch with her- that's more like a gentleman (he also says “ladies first” when the baby is walking through a door…)
Deirdre says
'Ladies first!' That is so cute! I love it.
Sheila says
That used to be our rule too, when the baby was a real baby. The older boy could take a toy if he traded another for it. But now that the baby is a year old, he isn't interested in trading most of the time. He wants the toy he started with. And it's really not fair to him to let the older boy take things from him just because he's older. But when I started to say, “No, I know you want it, but it's his turn now” — BOY did the screaming start! He's getting used to it, but it is TOUGH to be a big brother and suddenly realize that not all the toys are yours all the time.
Heidi says
Again, right on the money. I have a five-year-old and 18-month-old twins, and we're just getting into “the babies are ruining my life” mode – too young for impulse control, but old enough to destroy whatever the oldest is doing – a good recipe for retaliation and resentment on all sides! I've been working at teaching her about kindness and respect, even when you're frustrated and angry, but so often it's from a place of hypocrisy – getting enough sleep (me, not her!) helps moderate the moods considerably. Thank you for the concrete tips, and not just “teach your kids to be nice”.
Shanna says
Thank you for this post! I needed it today. I have a 4 year old and an 18 month old, and I so desperately want them to love each other & to be kind to one another. I know I have to work on my self-control. I can't expect my 4 year old to act with self-control, if I do not! It is something I have been praying for daily. Thanks again!
wanderingsue says
I may not have mentioned recently how much I love you…
Katie says
Thank you Auntie Leila for all your advice! My husband and I are expecting our first Child in April, so we won't necessarily have to worry about sibling dynamics for another few years, but after reading these things it's still very edifying! God's blessings!
justamouse says
All so true. Great post.
Dawn says
Love this post! What a timely reminder too. I am also an only child parenting 4 kiddos. It is such a challenge at times. I do see progress being made. Thank goodness!
Blessings,
Dawn
Lisa says
You may be the wisest mom I know. You really should write a book. Many thank you's.
CMerie says
Oh my goodness! I love this post so much! I'm an only child as well and the whole sibling thing mystifies me. But I was pleasantly surprised when I found I am doing at least something right, according to this. I kind of stumbled on it, because I was so tired of trying to figure out who did what and who hit whom, ect. And the tattling was starting to increase, so that I now tell my two older ones (older, ha! The almost 5 and almost 3 year old) that if they are playing and I hear any fighting or anyone tattles, they will both do corner time. It hasn't stopped it completely, but it has definitely helped. And it's nice for me to, because I don't have to go through all that hullabaloo.
Your point about paying attention is a good one too. Most times after a tantrum or whatever, I will look back and realize that I could have done something to head it off. Maybe they were tired, maybe they were hungry, or maybe they were just spinning circles because they were bored.
So many things to be had from this! Thank you!
MamaHen says
Please write all this in a handy book form that all moms can carry with them everywhere! Seriously. Or at least try to find a way to transport it all into my brain. 🙂
womanofthehouse says
I'm just into my third decade, and I agree with your approach, especially #6. Once one of our kids was showing a distinct lack of fortitude (and to be fair, she had been having a rough time for quite awhile), but I told her~on a whim, really~that she is a Smith and that means she's a trooper. I was staggered at the response it brought out in her. She really did become a trooper from that point! She even talks now about how she's a Smith and that means she's a trooper. And she's used it for other traits as well.
Jacki, children bicker because of original sin. It's born in them to do so. It may be that their environment makes it easier for them to indulge in this sin, but it's not entirely your fault (if at all!). It's our job as parents to train them out of bickering~to love their neighbors, really, and who are their closest neighbors? Their family members.
Anna says
Leila, my kids are great kids, very well behaved. It is nice to get compliments from strangers and friends. But now, at 9, 7, 4 and 2… I'm starting to hear “It wasn't ME!” WAY too much. I'd rather not hear it at all. To me, it undermines the idea that we work together for a solution to mistakes. I'm not sure what to do about that.
Breanna says
My mother's response: “I don't care. You still have to help clean up, because in a family everyone does the work.” And if whining continued: “You must be bored. I have dishes that need washing.”
That always worked, somehow.
Mary says
Haha, I had to reply, Breanna. This is my response, too! “In our family, everyone pulls together”. Our eldest understands the ship metaphor: a family is like a ship, and if everyone doesn't do his part, the ship goes down. (Grim, but true)
_Leila says
Anna, again, they are maneuvering you into being the judge! You know, parenthood is the long process of teaching them EVERYTHING. Taking responsibility, telling the truth, pulling together, etc. Stop reacting to them. Just say, “I told you to do it, now do it.” It's a great opportunity for some humor, like saying “It will be you next time and someone else will take the blame, I'm sure.” Or “why don't I just line you all up at a certain time of day and spank you all on principle.” Just don't get into their view of things, but insist on what you want done.
Anna says
Okay, good. Those are often my replies, I hope this is a temporary illness. Work and consequences are almost always across the board, because I just don't have energy to keep track of who's lost privileges and who hasn't. We've had several other caregivers around this month, and I wonder if it's worked with one of them.
Thanks, ladies!
Renee says
I am in the second decade. And by and large quite satisfied. Of course the kids are not perfect, and the correction they need as teens is so different than the younger set (I have 9 kids, 18 to newborn). I find myself getting a bit confused on what to expect from whom, and sometimes let the 16 year old act like a two year old, and expect the 11 year old to act like the 15 year old. And so on. I find when there is general discontent, it is me who sets the tone, and a family confession session the next Saturday at church will almost always do the trick. That, and I need to get enough sleep, and cut out the sweets, and in a few days things are back to moderately normal. I love your posts on family life. Love them! and I find them so useful!
Chickensinmykitchen says
I just FB linked the spank out of this. You get it right every time. Seriously. Talk about anything, absolutely anything. I will read it.
Erin says
If you ever write a book parenting/family . . . I will buy it up in a flash! 🙂
WeeMonsters says
You remind me of my mother (seriously, the reply half-way up of “who cares, we're all in it together” and “you must be bored, I've got chores to do” are absolutely what she said. A lot). I love it! Three cheers for old school, common sense parenting!
Jen says
Thank you! This is a very timely post. We just put our children to bed and in the moments before I was feeling frazzled by all of the sibling squabbling. I think I will ask my husband to read this as well and will print it out for my reference later. 🙂
Amanda says
Loved this post as usual 🙂 We're just getting into this with my 3.5 year old and 11 month old and I've been a little shocked to see these generally sweet kids push each other for no apparent reason besides malice, ugh! But this puts things into perspective for me. Funny, John Rosemond gives the exact same advice about avoiding tattling by sending both kids to time out or whatever. He puts it in terms of disrupting the family. Both kids are disrupting the peace of the home so both need to go sit out until they can figure out how to come back peaceably. That's probably a poor summary but I liked how similar the two pieces of advice were.
And AMEN to keeping our eyes on that next decade, especially this: “Move your face closer to God's and try to see things as He does, with the long view.”
Laura says
I'm FB linking this too. Thank you for wisdom and humor–both the kind that bring a tear to my eye and strengthen my heart.
Christy says
Such great advice!
Since I'm a relatively new mom to a four, three, and two year old I experience a lot of instances of sibling fighting already. I really hope to set down some good examples for the future, but it helps a lot to read something to sound and encouraging. Thanks so much!
Anne says
OH YES!! The do-over. I use this one all the time. “Say that again, nicely.” “I don't give milk to children who whine, say it again.” “I would never fix lunch for someone who asks with such a rude tone! Say it again.” “Back up and walk in here again- this time don't shove.” And when they shove the second time too- I trot out my favorite line- “Do it again, and don't worry- I'VE GOT ALL DAY.” They know at that point, I've settled in for the long haul. We are going to walk into the doctors office over and over until we get it right I don't care who stares or how long we are standing here. So effective. Thank you for this post, as always.
Meredith_in_Aus says
“I've got all day.” – LOVE it!
naturevs says
Thank you for this advice! You have no idea how desperately I needed to read this tonight. Three girls under four years of age, and the older two constantly fight. Constantly. And the oldest whines. Constantly. I often feel like I'm losing my mind. Sometimes things get so bad that I don't even know where start to get us all back on track.
Meredith_in_Aus says
Another tip (from a mum of 8) – at their age, limit their time together by structuring their day. Be especially wary about giving them stretches of time together when you are preoccupied with something important. You can structure their day to include alone-time play, tabletime play (with you supervising), dvd-time (assign them a place to sit so they don't bother each other. This is a good time to get something done for 30 mins. Toddler can go in a high chair), time with mum teaching them how to play together (eg. building a tower: “Now it's Joe's turn. Good boy, Joe. Wait until he's finished, Sam. Now, Sam, it's your turn. Taking turns on the slide, etc), time to play together (30 mins max at a time). Hope that helps.
Sue says
Oh, I needed this so much! I have found myself griping about “being the judge” lately, and didn't even see that it was because I was allowing tattling. I used to be so strict about that when the two olders were little, but now that they are older and the fusses are a bit more complicated than “I had the horsey first” I find myself getting drawn in. Thanks for reminding me what to do!!!
Margaret in MN says
I am in my second decade of parenting and this post was so SO helpful. Many thanks! Many grateful thanks!
The bit about “seeing the evidence” really got to me. Biting one's own arm to implicate a sibling? Hmm…now I see that my one “perfect” child is, perhaps, not really perfect…and I should nip that tattling of hers in the bud.
Except at this point it's not a bud any more…it's a full-fledged blossom.
No guilt, Mom! No fear! God gave me the grace to read this post FOR A REASON. Now to just ponder these words in my heart and move on.
Adriana says
Great post!
I am nearing the end of my first decade and just now starting to get the hang of “act, don't react.”
Love the point about creating family unity.
One of my favorite tools is our family “peace bell” Whenever the children come to me to judge an argument, I calmly place a bell in the center of a small table and direct them to face each other. The rules are simple: they must take turns talking and no one gets up until peace is made. When peace is made, they must each place a hand on the bell and ring it together. (Should they leave the peace table without making peace there would be consequences, but this has never happened.)
I leave the room. Peace usually comes in a couple of minutes – as soon as someone humbles themselves. Sometimes all I have to do is suggest the peace table and they instantly drop their dispute!
It occurred to me once that this is preparing them for the day when they will have to sit at the table and make peace with a spouse. Most people do not have this skill.
Sheila says
That is a wonderful idea! *cough cough* Wish my mother-in-law had tried this. Definitely it will help them in their marriages, and it could be used for grown-ups too! I wonder what it might do for the kids if the parents do it too, when they argue.
Joy says
Oh, this is so helpful, Leila. I especially appreciate the idea of “Smiths don't do this” and giving the oldest child more privileges. Building family honor and unity. That needs to be my theme this next month. I often tell my sons that no matter who they have as friends, they will always have each other so they need to learn to at least like one another. I'm glad to know that is a good approach. Thank you. Oh, and the arm-biter is totally believable. I've long thought that people who don't believe in original sin are people who don't have children. The things these “innocent” little people dream up are incredible!
Adriana says
I can remember my mom calling up the stairs, “If you two don't stop it, I'm gonna spank you both.”
My little sister looked at me and said, “I don't care if I get a spankin, JUST AS LONG AS YOU DO!!”
_Leila says
Adriana! That is so funny! And sums up what we're up against!
Deirdre says
I can relate to your little sister! That's what I would have said! 🙂
Lori says
I'm not sure I like thinking of myself as being in my third decade of parenting, but there you go!
You may have said this early in the post and I may have already forgotten it, but:
Teach your children to give full, complete apologies. The best way to do this is by example, but sometimes I little direct teaching is in order. A good motto: The apology should be as big as the offense.
Katherine says
I think it is good to remember too that not all siblings will be close in the same way because of personality differences. My eldest is very intellectual and quirky and my next child very practical and down to earth. Now that they are older and have broadened their social group, they appreciate each other's differences more; whereas when they were younger it was just annoying. I have a child who is a morning person and loves company. I have to tell him to get out of the face of his younger brother and let him have some quiet space in the morning (otherwise fights erupt). In the evening it's the reverse – the night owl now annoys the morning person with his pre-bed hyper-energy. It's useful to sometimes give them tools to deal with the differences (which they will also need when dealing with others in the outside world).
Jaimie says
I read a good tip once about tattling: tattling should only occur if the tattler is truly worried about the person s/he is reporting (e.g. “Mom! The baby is putting marbles in her mouth!”) If the tattler is just coming to report another child for the purposes of getting them in trouble, that tattling is shut down immediately. So, when the tattler comes along, and says “Mom, the baby is …” you can respond with “Is there any danger?” and if the child cannot honestly say there is, you can reply “then I don't want to hear tattling.”
Right now with a three-year-old and a one-year-old, it can sometimes feel like we are constantly correcting or rebuking the three-year-old while the one-year-old burbles happily. Sometimes I try to make a point of (gently!) rebuking the one-year-old as well, so my son doesn't feel that he is the sole target of parental correction.
Kathryn says
I agree about the baby. I don't really think of that as tattling, but I suppose it's important to help them learn the distinction. My 3 year old is in the habit of running to me every time the baby crawls over and puts something in her mouth. When its a Lego, I'm grateful, when it's a board book, I'm not so grateful. With him, everything is a “super-big problem”.
Emily says
We do something similar: I teach the kids the difference between “telling” (to keep someone safe) and “tattling” (to get someone in trouble). It took awhile, but they're starting to get the idea. Now if they tattle I simply ask them “Are you tattling, or telling?” and sometimes follow up with “are you keeping someone safe?” if it is a smaller child.
Of course, I had to laugh last week when my son said “I'm keeping MYSELF safe – he's hitting me!!” 🙂
Kathryn says
Thank you so much Auntie Leila! We are right in the middle of the first decade (our boys are 5 and 3 and our girl is 8 mo) and I think it may never end, but I don't want THOSE kids later on. We walked to the car this morning three times before we actually got in nicely to go to school and IT WORKED!!! When they got out at school, the older one said, “Lets hold hands and walk together.” Are these really my children? Now to figure out a privelege to give the oldest – he's only 19 mo older than the middle guy and we've been treating them like twins for far too long. I am going to print this out for my husband to read and pick out a few other things (self control anyone?!) for us to work on together.
Erika says
Oh, I needed this so much! My 6, 3, and 1 year old girls are just gaining on the tattling, whining, pushing-when-Mom's-not-looking stage. And it's ugly. Everything in this post is pertinent, and the games end for my girls here and now. Thanks, Auntie Leila!
Donna L. says
Auntie Leila, bless you for this wonderful post!
Just what I needed to read! My kids are really wonderful, but they have their moments, to be sure. I love the part about ” WE Smith's stick together” and you have given me *permission* to say, “we don't do that in our family” as well! One thing I enforce is “reparation” after the apology. It is powerful! I am impressed with how quickly they figure out what someone can do to “make up” for what they did, and it feels fair!
Also about tattling, I ask the “tattler”–“are you trying to get him/her IN TROUBLE or OUT OF TROUBLE?” Then, depending on the answer, I know what to do!
Thanks for the Momma Perk up!
Anna says
IN or OUT- LOVE that.
Ginger says
Hello my friend,
Oh, I just laughed my way through this post. Just yesterday at the Library : The librarian says “Oh, are those your kids?” They were seated exactly where I told them to stay seated, quietly reading their books, while I could peacefully check in and check out 60 books. “They are so well behaved!” I didn't hold my head up high with pride. Because that took a lot of work, and not just mine. My five and three year old, are just like all the other children, except their mamma is no dummy. My response was, “Why yes they are, but just give them a minute.”
Well in less than a minute, my sweet little daughter was down under the table, and my darling five year old son was repeatedly kicking her in the head. I have to admit, not being raised with brothers his actions seem extreme, however my husband says “it's normal.”
Maybe next time I wont' check out 60 books and not give them time to act “normal.”
Thanks, and many blessings.
Rachel says
Great post, Auntie Leila! This very concisely brings all the efforts I've been making with my children into focus: training, setting the example, being mature, rewarding good behavior with privileges. It's all here, just stated more clearly. I fell into the trap of fairness with my eldest son and didn't realize it until my mother pointed it out to me. He works hard to be helpful, he should get some reward for it. So now he stays up an hour later and gets first pick of the dining room chair not to mention his own pet.
Stephanie says
I have a four-year-old, three-year-old, and baby. I am in the thick of the baby days, and this post is so encouraging to me! I can't yet know how it will turn out, but I am glad to see how many of your suggestions we are already doing. Tone of voice, and a pleasant disposition, is the one thing I talk about all day long, it seems. I am constantly saying, “Stop, take a deep breath, and ask me again.” We also make a big deal about “not repaying evil for evil” (not that I think my children are evil, but when your brother has just hit you, in that moment he certainly FEELS evil to you). I've noticed a lot of squabbles escalate out of a perceived injustice. Talking to each other, rather than responding in anger, seems to be an important step in a deeper sibling relationship. My boys are both tall, and I've constantly had to remember not to expect them to be older than they are. And we also have a few slogans that the children will repeat to each other, such as “The Gates family does not hate.”
Anyway, it was so nice to read a parenting post and see that, for once, we might actually be on the right track!
On an unrelated note, a post earlier this year about the dinner table and what to expect from young children has made our home a much more peaceful place. Both children eat all meals at the table now, and take their plates to the counter when they are finished. Thanks for the helpful advice.
Stephanei says
PS My sister bit her arm to implicate me. She could also turn tears on and off – a quality I never possessed, which meant I was usually the one in trouble when we argued.
Katherine Lauer says
Thank you. I really needed this post right now.
~Mother of children ages almost 3, almost 5, and 7 months
Jennifer says
WOW. Thank you for the most helpful, brilliant parenting advice — EVER!!! We have eight children, ages 15 to 2, and I absolutely think your post will help bring more peace to my family. God bless you for sharing your wisdom!!!
Thank you,
JENNIFER
White Oak, PA
MamabearJD says
Our whole house had a stomach bug when you posted this – and I forgot – and it was like finding a Christmas present in the closet just now! The comments are great too.
Billie says
I was trying to print this our and then found another post that just has the best advice and trying to print that out and then I had to ask – do you have or are you planning on putting this all together in a book? I would love your good advice in one easy to highlight book!
noel miller says
I know this an an old post, but I love it, and refer to it often and also refer others to it! But I have some logistical questions, and I’m asking in the comments in case the answers are useful to someone else as well. My four children (2, 5, 7, and 9) play out in the backyard or in the basement together for several hours a day. Because of your advice, we have had a “no tattling” rule in our family for probably 3 or 4 years now which we enforce pretty strictly. But there are times I am unsure of how to navigate that rule. We have a secondary rule that if they are being bothered or hurt by another sibling, that they talk directly to that sibling first, and if the abuse continues then they are allowed to get a parent to help them navigate the situation (is that fair?) I still don’t know what to do if a child comes to me and is clearly hurt. My first instinct is always to ask “what happened?” and the story frequently involves another sibling (of course I didn’t want to know *who* as much as *what* so that I can assess the injury). Some of my children are clearly glad that they think they have the protection of the “no tattling” rule if they are the perpetrator, and will do things they wouldn’t do if there was a parent present. If I witness an offense it is swiftly punished, can they not play alone unsupervised anymore? I tell them “it takes two to tango” and that is frequently the case but not 100%. I can punish all of them, as you said, and sometimes I do. But sometimes one child is being truly naughty and all of the other children corroborate that said child is acting unprovoked (perhaps things are just not going their way in a game). I don’t want them to *want* one of their siblings to get in trouble, and I certainly don’t want to be manipulated into being weaponized by one of my children against another, but how should I have them go about getting me if they feel incapable of handling a situation amongst themselves? The other day one of my children came running in the house to breathlessly tell me that his brother had pushed the toddler off of the edge of the trampoline (she was hurt and crying). Should I have punished him for tattling? What about if they are observing another sibling picking on a third sibling or a friend? And lastly, what do you do if your children are playing with other children who are frequently coming to you to tattle on your kids/ how do you navigate these situations in general in mixed family company if other parents take the tact of investigating for the culprit and acting as judge? Thanks Leila!
Leila says
You really have to use your judgement at all times! Just beware of *being a judge* because kids will totally lie about what happened.
Sometimes you realize you need to get the 2 yo out of there because the game is too rough for him but the others need to play. Sometimes they’ve been at it for a long time and it’s best just to have them switch to something else — you can’t sort things out but clearly the politics of the situation have gotten out of hand.
Stopping the play can serve as a good lesson to the older ones that if they are not responsible in directing the play and solving problems, the whole thing will come to a halt.
If someone is reporting true foul play (that he wasn’t involved in), you can take action, but always having in mind that you will now be vulnerable to exploitation.
Basically, it’s your rule and you use it to your advantage — don’t let them use it to theirs! That is, don’t let them take advantage of the fact that your no-tattling rule gives them power over each other.
There’s no winning — do your best!