Did you see what's come to be called the “marshmallow study“?
It shows, rather persuasively, that children with self-control grow up more likely to be wealthy, successful, and healthy. Not that those worldly things are what we would be impressing people with when discussing our children. That would be crass, and besides, that's not the point.
The point is self-control in order to achieve a meaningful life. I think it might be harder to design a study that tracked less concrete goals than the ones mentioned. I'm not sure how you would ascertain if people had restrained their marshmallow desires and grown up to love truth, serve the good, and appreciate beauty, so we'll just go with what we've got.
Anyway, we all know that we prefer to be around people who have self-control — that's so obvious that it might surprise you for me even to say it that way, but honestly, do you like being around your own kids?
Who do you enjoy the most? The people you know whose spontaneity and sense of humor sparkle, but not at the expense of their responsibilities? Or the ones who are always bumming stuff off of you, never know where their keys are, and tend to get food on themselves while they eat?
Would you rather be around someone who will bring you a meal if you are sick, or someone who will loot your store if they get the chance? Do you want your children to grow up to think of others — or to be rioters? I mean, the rioters are someone's kids, you know?
I know that most blogs aren't linear, and I wouldn't claim linearity for myself, but I do think that up until now I've mainly focused on getting self-control for ourselves.
Here's the thing — I really feel that most of the frustration parents feel at their children's lack of self-control is firmly rooted in their own lack of self-control!
I know that the reason I regularly lost my cool when my kids were young is that I felt incompetent.
When a Mom writes to me about her sad lack of patience with her children — not the ordinary impatience that comes with just being human, but that crazy “I can't be with them all day because I might explode” kind — I always suspect that what's at the bottom of it is that she doesn't know how to do the simplest things in her day!
Now we're as ready as we'll ever be to work on the virtue of self-control in your children. In the coming while we'll focus on chores and discipline, un-linearly, of course (that is, I reserve the right to digress and even go back and clean up a series or two!).
But you can see why I wanted to be sure that you understood about your own duties and your own ability to accomplish tasks like showering, waking up on time, making meals, doing the laundry, and cleaning.
Some of you are onto me, I know, but others might not realize my true devotion to, if not complete acquisition of, the old-fashioned cardinal virtues:
Prudence, Temperance, Justice, Fortitude.
To be fully human, we need each of these qualities — Prudence just means seeing things as they really are; Justice, giving each one (including ourselves) his due; Fortitude, having the power of acting despite opposition —
–and Temperance, well, that's not letting our passions get the best of us, of not being at the mercy of our senses!
And that's self-control.
Those virtues work together and you can hardly have one without the other. (I could go on and on about them, but if you want a beautiful book to read, try The Four Cardinal Virtues by Josef Pieper. This is a book to pray over!)
Fortunately, God gave us the perfect setting in which to hone these virtues with a minimum of danger and vexation. That setting is called the family!
What's wonderful is that we can be growing in virtue while at the same time helping our children! In fact, children are God's way of teaching us virtue! However, even though we can learn it all at once, I can't write about all that simultaneously, so that's why it's taken so long.
In our time, unlike any other, technology has made it possible for individuals to survive for quite a while without actually depending on each other — and it's even possible for families to seem outwardly unified but inwardly all fractured. We've lost the knack for knowing what a family really is.
A lot of folks think a family is a sort of vehicle for mutual entertainment or shallow fulfillment. Ladies get caught up in the cuddly vision of babies, hardly realizing how small this aspect of babies turns out to be, in reality. Men think that video-gaming will continue as before. Having never worked on anything concrete (knitting? gardening? furniture-making? brewing? spackling? car repair?), many latter-day would-be adults think of life as the process of acquiring things.
Immature people, tricked by being detached from the true purpose of marriage, which is building a family, think that children are an interruption of life rather than life itself. The interruption seems intense but limited (I'm reminded of that funny line in Ghost Town when a girl exclaims over a birthing story, “Ten hours is a long time to wait for something!”), and the unsuspecting parents figure that they can endure some painful moments until, they hope soon, they can pass on the irritation of the day-to-day child-related drudgery to others. Increasingly, to the government.
Even when parents wish to enjoy their children, their imagination is limited by this idea of entertainment. To most people, life is work — but not work at home or on the home — and play — but not the play that comes as a joyful outcome of celebration. No, fun is what they think of — something that distracts from the tedium of work. Yet how disappointed they are after an expensive vacation or carefully planned outing!
They're disappointed because it's just not fun when no one has self-control! But… when would anyone have developed this virtue?
Not running out the door! Not by being frantic! Not by trying to escape from home.
They miss the most rewarding and fulfilling aspect of the family, which is the actual, somewhat mundane, activity of raising persons entrusted to your care: Love that is striving to build something lasting together, each person overcoming his own selfishness — controlling it, in fact — for the sake of the others.
What's wonderful and makes this all so much easier is that as soon as a child becomes aware of what's going on around him, he just wants to imitate and help. Some people don't see this, because they are too busy with outside activities, and the focus becomes getting from one place to another — efficiency — which is the bane of existence, as far as a child is concerned. There is frustration when we try to wrestle a child into our adult world. That frustration is nothing compared to what he feels when he can't help you because you are rushing somewhere!
The frantic activity causes us to miss the real charm of his little efforts.
Instead, we must wisely see the course his interest will take over the years — when we prudently allow him the time to develop his funny and possibly destructive attempts with a broom into the competence of a real contributor to the life of the household. But it's nothing compared to the charm he feels when he knows he's done something to help the Bigs in his life!
Charm builds on charm if you let it.
The family is where this takes place. It's meant to be the safest place by far — where everyone loves everyone else, where the Papa is strong and a little fearsome, the Mama is soft and a little demanding, and the brothers and sisters can have a wonderful time together if they are worn out enough by chores not to fight too much. Little by little, because of pitching in and relying on each other, everyone in the family grows in virtue!
So my thought is to tell you what I think you should expect in this area of development. I will go back through the emails I've received and answer the questions in my posts. You know we'll talk about the secrets of a big family — how to make each child feel that he contributes; how to step away from being the victim and martyr in your own home. And what the secrets to quelling sibling rivalry could possibly be!
So here's my question to you: Do you consider that your family is in it together?
sibyl says
Oh, how timely. We're entering a new stage in our family, in which we aren't surrounded by tinies but by schoolers (the youngest is three but there are no more, sob sob). And I've been realizing how pulled apart we are, just by movies and computer and sports. Three things that are so not central to life. It's a little scary. So I'm really looking forward to your wisdom.
Particularly, I'd like to hear about forming children to have servants' hearts, while not necessarily running about to a million volunteer oportunities.
justamouse says
If I had only been reading your blog (had you a blog?) ten years ago…. I learned these lessons as a mother, but from mistakes. So yes, I can say we're all in it together, but it hadn't always been that way. I hadn't leaned these lessons from my parents, husband and I are doing this from scratch. But now my children will know.
You're a modern day (Catholic) Charlotte Mason to me. 🙂 Full of good, solid, mothering wisdom that we've seemed to have lost, lots of joy, and a warm heart.
Camille says
Just popping in to tell you that I finally have CLEANING (my last step) under control! I started last week with an actual schedule instead of just an “oh that's really dirty I should clean it” schedule. I love it! I still have dirt, but in general, we're as sparkling as we're gonna get and it makes this mama so happy and proud! THANK YOU! 🙂 Now … on to self-control and other disciplines!
Lisa says
Oh, you mean I was to be modeling self-control!?! One more reason to do what I ought I suppose.
Thank you for your kindly stating the earth-shatteringly obvious that some of us may have missed.
_Leila says
Haha, Lisa, well, “modeling” and also “being” — because when you don't know how to do something and do it cheerfully, how can you ask someone else to do it without losing your cool?
Marianna says
I'm looking forward to your posts on this topic.
I do feel that our family is “in it together”. We make family dinners EVERY night a priority, strictly limit outside activities and media. Plus, both children are expected to be contributing members of the family and to take on certain age-appropriate responsibilites. I realized a long time ago that we were not raising children, but people.
warriormom says
Wish I'd read this about 20 years ago : ( I've just stumbled upon your blog and am thoroughly enjoying myself.
Family Snodgrass says
This is so wonderful, especially your description of family at the end. Thank you! I look forward to the series. You can't have any idea how much your words help and instruct me in caring for my little family. So many things you have suggested (like the rules for the dinner table), I've put right into action with my oldest, who's two. His little brother, who just turned one, will soon follow suit. Thank you for sharing your wisdom!!!
Christina says
Oh my. This was helpful, and I can't wait for the rest. I am going to pin those virtues up somewhere in a pretty way, and also get that Pieper book when homeschool planning is done.
You're good to us!
Mama Hen says
Leila, when I read your posts like this I come away convicted, but encouraged at the same time! And that is a good thing! I am so looking forward to this series.
Breanna says
I know where *I'm* going to pin those virtues–in a pretty order around the picture of the Madonna and Child I pinned above my kitchen sink. Lately I've been feeling my lack of self-control. This getting more mature business isn't always pleasant.
radiomomrhetoric says
What a great post! Timely for me…as I have little ones off to school and we ar running from place to place. It brings me back to what is important. Truly important. Looking forward to continued reading.
CMerie says
Very excited for this series! Self control is something I personally struggle with. The frustrations of having lots of littles around combined with my lack of control make for a not so peaceful household somedays. We're working on it, (or I should say, I'm working on it). Sometimes it seems like there is so much to work on, though, that I'm never going to get anywhere. sigh.
But your words give me hope, and today is a new day to pick myself up by my bootstraps (or apron strings?) and try again! Thanks Leila!
Laura Jeanne says
A new series, how exciting! I can't wait to read more. Self control is something that both my husband and I have always struggled with–although we're both doing much better these days!–and as you might expect, our children have followed in our footsteps. Although I have gotten my own yelling under control, the kids yell at each other constantly, bicker, and hit each other! So I look forward especially to your advice on quelling sibling rivalry.
But more generally, controlling one's selfishness for the sake of others is an excellent topic, and one that many of us, these days, sorely need to hear.
Carrie says
So excited for this series, Auntie Leila! I love how you teach me the basics of life without making me feel dumb for not already knowing it! My husband and I are always wondering how we are supposed to really “grow up” when we don't have anyone to show us what that looks like. Thank you for showing us!
Lisa says
I echo the statements of regret for not having this great well of wisdom back in my early days of motherhood. With two in highschool next week, and my youngest three to homeschool, I feel sadness for what I didn't do with my oldest child…what I did not know….how I contributed to certain flaws…I now have great hope for my little trio…but still too many regrets. I just have to take it from where I am, right?
_Leila says
Lisa, yes! Put your trust in God and begin again today! Start right where you are with a good heart and lots of faith in God's goodness!
mattie says
Thank you so much Leila!
I really needed this today! It is just nice to have someone confirm that you are doing the right thing even though the “world” does not seem to agree.
Thank you, thank you!
God bless you and your family for all the good you bring in my life.
Corrie says
Did you know you're a mind reader? These very things have been in my heart and in my thoughts so much lately. It seems the more I follow Christ, the more He shows me I have to surrender to His lordship. I feel that my entire adult life, including the 11 years of child raising, has been about learning self-control, diligence and about laying down pride. I have not been a fast learner! But I'm still trying. Sometimes we are not all of us “in it together,” but this post will become a point of beginning a very good conversation. Thank you from the deepest part of my heart for sharing from your heart!
Kh. Patty says
You're really getting to the heart of “it” (my frustrations with my day?) with this post. I'm looking forward to more. It's very true that when I am doing what I am supposed to be doing and WHEN I am supposed to be doing it that I have infinitely more patience with my kids and can correct them more gently instead of barking. So many good points, and truly, something perfect to be thinking about and working on as we start school in a few weeks.
nt12many says
Gosh you're wise. A wonderful post which encouraged me in my season of life of trying to corral the young adults and adults as they rush out the door to their many activities…is it worth it? Yes, after reading your shot in the arm, it is indeed.
Jill Farris ” target=”_blank”>http://www.generationalwomanhood.wordpress.com
Jane says
Wonderful ! I'm a British reader and as you can imagine, this is VERY timely. Please print this out and send it to our government as quick as you can.__I have 5 children myself and 3 grandchildren. The “busy-ness” you describe makes me cringe remembering how often I must have got it wrong. How wonderful of God to give us grandchildren so we can have another try
Jeannie says
What a great piece. I think I have to print this out and stick it on my fridge, in my laundry room, etc.,so that I can keep reminding myself. In hearing friends and family discussing the virtues it was mentioned that virtues were so integral that if any children were struggling you might want to shelve “schoolwork” for a bit and concentrate on further cultivating them in othere ways. I can see how being in a family is the perfect school for this.
Leila, I am curious I saw a book by Josef Pieper on amazon as well that was titled, A Brief Reader On the Virtues of the Human Heart, would that be a good starter? Or would you suggest going to straight to the meat of it in the The Four Cardinal Virtues. Another question if I click on amazon through your link do you get any credit for it? If so, I would like to make sure I click through your link.
_Leila says
Jeannie, I haven't read that one — and I want to! I'm sure it's great and would be a good starter indeed. Yes, if you click through my link I will get a small fee, so thank you!
The life of the home is indeed a school of virtue, and schoolwork can be minimized while we concentrate on that. Keep the good books handy, the paper and pens and crayons, and get them up to speed on living well. The books by the Moores that I've recommended before, especially Home School Burnout, put that all in very plain language!
Mamabear, JD says
I tried to write my own post about this and link back to you, but the more that I wrote, the more depressed I became. My two school aged children are headed back to school soon. It's a great school and I am always thanking my husband for providing this opportunity, but my heart is heavy with sadness because I fear losing them to the world. It is an Anglican school, though many of the families take the faith portion very loosely, and I feel like I am teaching one way of life at home and then subsidizing them learning the way of the world at school. I wonder if we are making a mistake. I am asking for advice and prayers from anyone so inclined to do so as my heart is so heavy. I don't mean to sound ungrateful by any means. Thanks for always reminding us of what is real and good.
sibyl says
Dear Mamabear:
I'm right there with you. My oldest two are going off to school, while I keep the younger four at home, and it does seem like two different lifestyles, doesn't it? It seems like the kids at home are always looking forward to when they go to “real” school, although we have wonderful times at home. And the oldest two do seem to be more in the world, although the second-born has only been in school one year, and at home all the rest.
I guess I just want to say that as you pray and discern, realize that the Lord calls you to be faithful to His will, even if it seems strange. Your home is still the most influential part of your children's lives, and with your loving heart you will surely keep close to them, guiding and forming them. Bring it to Jesus and let Him give you peace about it. He will supply whatever deficiencies there may be.
_Leila says
Mamabear, don't be depressed! Pray pray pray and God will show you the way. I am by no means a “homeschooling only” person. Sometimes school can be fine, if you are sure that your children are allowed to have their childhood. I am not fond of the term “latency period” but it does describe something God gives children and that we are duty-bound to protect. They need to be sheltered so that their imaginations can develop in a way that fosters the intellect and the spirit.
The home has become much more of a refuge than it used to have to be. Together as parents we have to assess continually how much we need to shelter. Fostering a strong sense of belonging to the family will go a long way to providing the antidote to the truly destructive things children meet when they interact with un-sheltered children and adults with an agenda. On the other hand, you don't want to over-react or provide a reason for extra curiosity or rebellion… oh, it's a hard balance.
That's why you just have to rely on God. He will let you know what to do! And make friends with other families who have a strong sense of who they are — who have standards (even if slightly different from yours) and are willing to stick to them.
Don't worry!
Rachael says
We are in it all together. The baby is still only 3 months old, and Hubby and I have a few years of childless habits to break. Luckily, we can do this as the baby grows, and hopefully, the babies come one at a time. I'm looking forward to this series… cloud of posts. Many times, I have the head knowledge of what I need to do, I just need a little help getting going. You seem to be able to hit the nail on the head in that need, Auntie Leila, Thank you.
Sue A. says
Thanks for the shot in the arm. Even now with a lot of my children grown up and seeing the results of my labors (or lack of results) I think its important not to be content with things just being OK. I try to acknowledge my failings and determine that I will keep going and keep trying to improve and correct the mistakes I made with my older children so that I hopefully do better with the younger ones.
I would also add that it helps to have Papa speak to the children about doing their jobs diligently once in a while. They listen to him.
Kathryn says
Thank you so much for this! We are just getting to this point in our life as a family, with 5 and 3.5 year olds and a 5 month old so far. My mom always thought our only “job” as kids should be to go to school and do well, so I'm used to having a laundry fairy, dish fairy, etc. Self-control (meaning not slacking, yelling or procrastinating) is my biggest problem right now. I also want to start teacing my boys how to help, but I have to figure out how to let go and not redo their tasks when they turn their backs.
Kelley says
Beautiful and encouraging! I love it when I realize my husband and I are working well as a team with our small children. I also liked your point on letting them help- they usually do make a a mess, so it is hard. However, it makes them so happy, so I am going to try to be less “efficient” 😉
Kim says
So excited about this new series. thanks for sharing your wise words, you are like a Titus 2 mama for me.
Tracy says
Prudence, Temperance, Justice, Fortitude.
Why is Temperance the most elusive, especially for mothers?
If “losing it” is what other mothers really mean when they claim they could never homeschool a large family then I will start being honest when I hear this and confess that I “lose it” too, but that it keeps me humble, on my knees before God praying for grace and virtue. I hope I make progress over time and that the call to homeschooling will sanctify my soul.
After eleven years of marriage and five children I have become fairly competent at homemaking, cleaning, meals, routines, delegating responsibility to the children, building up my husband, being content at home, and even homeschooling. I love homeschooling my olders and I love my precious little ones but combining the two is proving to be a near-impossible task. I must still be incompetent at juggling the two at once in spite of incorporating all the clever ideas from workshops, books and blogs! I want to get through the day without losing it, I pray for the virtue of self control and beg God for it but it always seems beyond my reach.
I will order the Pieper book, but in the meantime, would you be so kind to speak about how to actually gain victory in this area? And thank you for this post, you have obviously spoken right to the heart of many!
_Leila says
yes, Tracy, this is what I will be addressing — only, remember, you have to be temperate about temperance too! 🙂
Sometimes our children need less patience: http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org/2010/09/s…
Raising kids is hard, and losing it isn't the end of the world. More important is having a willing heart to dive into all your own duties….
Becky says
I'm currently a mom to 3 littles. I think I'm understanding your point but I will also say that the key thing that makes me have that “I may just explode” feeling is when I have had far too little sleep, for far too long. Unrealistic expectations, being overly busy, and the other issues you discuss make it all the more worse for me but moms of itty, bitty bundles of joy that never sleep also need to consider if they might just need a bit of time spent horizontally. If I can't get a nap or a full night of sleep, a cup of tea and laying on the couch while the children do anything that doesn't result in irreparable destruction of the house or blood is often what lies between me and utter madness.
Dyan says
What a great read! I really enjoyed this post. Yes, I think our family is in it together. My husband and I DO like being with our five children. Other people enjoy being around our children, too. We have worked with them on self-control since they were little bitties. Even though the “experts” said not to tell them “no” when they were younger than (pick the age), we started that early. We taught them to whisper so they could stay quiet at Mass, etc.
Thanks for sharing your advice. I am looking forward to reading more.
Brenda says
This is beautiful, Leila. I'm so eager to read the series! Thank you for your timely wisdom.
Brenda
Kh. Patty says
I'm coming back to comment again. THIS has been in my head since I read this yesterday: “Immature people, tricked by being detached from the true purpose of marriage, which is building a family, think that children are an interruption of life rather than life itself.”
That is the true problem (at least for me), and even with my embrace of children within the family, with my commitment to my “career” as mother and homemaker, in the back of my mind, I still think of my kids as a blip, an interruption. Once they are on their own, THEN the house will finally stay clean, THEN I can pursue some of my own interests, THEN I can enjoy being around them. And when will this happen? Oh 30+ years for the ones I haven't had yet!!? That is a long time to be “waiting” for life to start.
Christina says
What a wonderful post! I was just introduced to your blog! I'm going to have my husband read this as well! We are just beginning in this journey and will begin homeschooling this year with kindergarten. We have a 5, 3 1/2 and 1 1/2 year old with one on the way. I look forward to keeping up with this series!
JaneC says
I really like what you say about vacations and getting away from “home.” (I don't have children yet, but I always get something from your posts!) My parents have a vacation home. It's a very nice one now, with wireless internet and central AC, but when I was a kid we just had an ancient little cabin in the woods with no t.v. and a wood stove. We are able to, in one sense, escape our ordinary lives and go to a different place that isn't associated with the drudgery of work-for-money, but it definitely is not an escape from “home” or work on the home. There is always much weeding and mowing and dusting when we arrive, there are no restaurant chefs or hotel maids, and when we had the little old cabin it seemed there was always a major repair or construction project. But the cabin, and now the vacation home, seem more like home than the places we live the rest of the time, because we are always together there, and entertain much more because we don't have to go to outside jobs. That, to me, is the best kind of vacation–a change of scene, but not a shirking of duty.
Margo says
There is so much for me to think about here – all of it valuable – I will be back to read again and ponder more. Just wanted to say thank you for writing this, for advising us. You are a valuable parenting resource for me!
Lisa G. says
What a post! And, at my 55 year old age, with no kids, I still am drawn to your words like a thirsty person. Well, God knows the reason. And pursuing Truth is always the right course!
I'll get the Pieper book – really liked the one about leisure. But you have such a command of your subject, Leila! Have you read these books you mention many times over? Or are you one of those fortunate minds who can grasp and remember what you're reading instantly?
Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
_Leila says
Hi Lisa, yes, I have read that book many times over 😉
aliciab says
This is such a great post! Yes, these are things I want to work on. Thank you for pointing these things out but in a hopeful way-I am not intimidated to try to make small changes but instead encouraged. Could you post some ideas for how to make chore time more enjoyable? Some will be modeling, but we are not in a good spot right now and I hoped you might have some advice…
Thank you so much.
Marie says
Leila, I don't know what to say. Except maybe, that I am the worst of the unpleasant visuals you paint of modern mothers. I am selfish, focused on fun, think my son is an interruption of my “big goal”, and cannot wait to push off my household duties onto anyone who will have them (or take them in anger because they know I'm not going to do them). I am so far from the woman I know I should be, that getting there seems to be an impossible task. I've spent my whole life never having to do something if I didn't want to, resulting in a would-be adult without an ounce of self discipline/control/fortitude/temperance. Not a drop, Leila. I've got a good heart, and I'm well-intentioned. But a life lived for oneself is not easily refocused to living for others. Oh but I want to.
So thank you for your well-worded posts, as always. You are a good dose of conviction, love, and gentle kick in the bum that I have longed for. Keep up the wonderful work. Lord knows I've got plenty of my own!
_Leila says
Marie, welcome to my world 🙂
You would love George MacDonald — I hope you have read some of his books!
XOXO
holly says
I just read and thoroughly enjoyed your post regarding the four essential virtues. I have big hopes for my family this year…the first year since we have added a sibling group of 7 to our family that I feel any hope at all. We now have 11 children ranging in age from 5 through 17. We started our family as eager as eager adoptive parents and homeschoolers. Life just got harder and when we adopted our sibling group it was with great hope which turned into, for me, discouragement. I feel much conviction after reading your post…though honestly, it just very succinctly described many issues that had already been troubling my heart. We made some significant changes this summer–not the least of which has been a change to whole food. We completely cut out processed foods and are encouraged by the changes made in less than two months. I hope to continue to gain stregnth and wisdom and *sheepish smile* self-discipline to help lead our children down the right path. God bless!
Kristi says
I love this! I'm new to your blog . . . Thank you! (I always think about the marshmallow experiment esp. w/ my 4yo — I learned about it in a college psych course.) My kids mirror EVERYTHING I do 🙂
lisa says
Oh the picture you paint of family is what I have always dreamed of but what is quickly slipping away. My 17 year old has already anounced that she is “out of here as soon as she turns 18” My 14 year old son is sullen and detached and only my 11 year old daughter still wants to be with us. I am overwhelmed with sadness and anger at the realization that TV has become the focus of our family “life”.
I tried over the years to stem the media tide but finally just sucumed to sitting glassy-eyed with everyone else. I blame my husband but I also blame myself. I am quilty of all the things you warn against. I just started reading your posts and wonder if you have addressed the tv addiction issue in previous blogs.
_Leila says
Lisa, I have talked a bit about TV — we do watch TV at our house — but the point is to start living the way you want to now. It's not \”don't watch TV\” but \”DO eat dinner together, make Sunday holy, work on projects together (great if they go into the evening)\” and in general, start enjoying each other. Why not look at my posts on living the liturgical year? The Church has the answers in the rhythm of her days (hint: Lent! 🙂
Don't pay any attention to kids' attitude. Do what you want and enjoy.
Jenny says
Oh wow, so very encouraging. Thank you for writing and for keeping your posts up. Blessings from San Diego.