Dear Auntie Leila,
I've been enjoying your blog for a number of years now, and wanted to ask you if you've ever posted on announcing pregnancies. We are expecting number four, and the announcement is being thrust upon us due to the fact that, at nine weeks, I'm not sure I can conceal it anymore (at least not with any measure of comfort!). Also, we have a big family wedding coming up October 1st, so there is no hiding. Somehow the fourth child seems to be the dividing line between a ‘normal' family size and an ‘absurdly large' family size in the minds of many Americans. We are not Catholic, so we can't rely on religion to explain it for us either. Suggestions? Words of encouragement? We know this is what we want, and that our friends and family will get used to it eventually, but I'm not looking forward to breaking the news. Was this ever an issue for you?
Thanks,
Maria
If you are looking for words of encouragement, you've come to the right place! No one will encourage you more than Auntie Leila! Unless it's your other children — yes, come to think of it, they will be your biggest cheerleaders. Their joy will astonish you. Nothing can prepare you for the sheer crazy love that the children have for this unseen baby…
But oh my, this sort of question gets me going.
People, do you not realize it's the saving of civilization we're working on here?
So, commence rant.
First, do conceal for a while. In no way do I take one word back from my encouragement and congratulations! But in today's world, where most women have only one or two children, if that, we've lost a little of the collective memory. Losing a baby by miscarriage, well, it happens. And when it happens, two things also happen: the other children suffer a lot of grief, for the very same reason that they are so happy to know that the baby is coming — and I don't think that we should hide death from children, but I do think that, as their understanding is naturally limited in this case, we should protect them as much as we can. At least take into consideration how people used to handle this.
The other thing about losing a baby, experience shows, is that you can't help feeling that you have not taken care of your little one. I never understood until it happened to me that the mother's grief can never wholly be detached from her overwhelming desire to protect. And the sorrow of that feeling is hard enough to recover from (because, of course, it's not your fault — although, how much grief must a woman endure when it is her action that caused the baby's death! Why do we not protect her from that, knowing what we do!) without having to get on Facebook and tell 500 people that no, we are actually not expecting. You feel exposed as a bad mom. Where your best friends will comfort you, your distant acquaintances will be at a loss and awkwardly silent, and those who thought you were misguided in the first place to ever get yourself in that situation, well, they will hurt you.
You should protect yourself from these feelings by only gradually widening your circle of trust as time goes on. There is a reason why in the past, women waited for a little longer to tell, and this is it. It's not that they were ashamed, it's that they were reticent and knew the value of intimacy — safeguarding the vulnerability of this tender moment.
The likelihood is that all is well, and in due time you will want to tell your own dear ones. And then, yes, the frowning relatives must know.
It's all just so much easier to do if you have your ecstatic brood and proud hubby at your back. You put on your bold face and you announce, or better, he announces — with champagne and no hint of concession (such as, “this is the end for us” or “one last child” or any other such foolishness, because you're not God and neither are they) — that you are expecting!
What can they do but say “Congratulations!”
Nick, 16, holding Bridget, hours old. |
Oh, well do I know that they can do plenty more than that. A person very close to me, mother of six herself, woman of faith, had her cutting remarks for me, and although I'm tempted to lash out with bitterness, no doubt that part of what prompted her unkindness was a genuine, if misplaced, concern for my welfare. Having subscribed, however unconsciously, to the world's view of the independence of persons, her own growing sense of powerlessness in her old age, and detachment in the family, she felt helpless to do anything for me. So her concern manifested itself in querilousness….
Never mind all that.
About to do our part to save civilization. |
Get your priorities straight. Astounding to have to say, stunning as this news is, a man and a woman commit themselves to each other in marriage for mutual encouragement and the raising of a family! Nothing is more fitting, reasonable, and natural than the arrival of children! Anyone who offers anything other than congratulations is the one with the problem, not you!
What is our problem? The saints called it human respect. The putting of others' opinions, which can be formed by all sorts of conditions, including stuff we know nothing about (and if we did we'd probably pity them from the bottom of our heart), before what we know is right — or what we have not yet discovered is more right than we know!
The world has made a trade-off between persons and things, coming down firmly in the camp of the latter, which includes intangibles like health, security, and wealth. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for those things and would like plenty more of them. But…get your priorities straight.
You're not in perfect health and you got pregnant? Your body was made to have a baby and you would be amazed at what women overcome.
You don't have a lot of money? Children don't care, they love you.
Proper ordering of goods may very well inspire you — I hope it does — to lessen the amount of running around you do: To stay home and schedule a rest period every day instead of racing the other children to many activities. Yes, even asking the other children to sacrifice good things (not that they probably have much invested in them, to tell the truth) is acceptable in God's eyes, if not the eyes of college admissions boosters. Yes, guess what, it's worth a lot of sacrifice to have another child. A child is the greatest gift God can give a family. Will we wish we had done things differently? Of course! We're all full of regrets. Let's just make sure we don't regret being ashamed of our child!
I know you're not ashamed, Maria — you just need a pep talk, because your life is changing from one of mild engagement to extreme commitment. You're on a mission, only you didn't know you left!
You ask if I've had this experience. Oh yes. Where I live, the dividing line between “careless” and “whacko” falls between four and five children (vestiges of the old times when the people looking askance are themselves from large families, so they've at least heard of that kind of behavior, though they'd never do it themselves).
We happened to be perched in a place at that time where people were very outspoken due to their ethnicity (most towns in the Boston area, if they are not Yankee, are Irish, where the disapproval is just as strong but the utterance will be limited to a “God bless you!” — meaning He clearly has work to do with a nut like you).
These neighbors told me, when I was expecting Deirdre, our number five, in no uncertain terms, that I was crazy and there was no way I would survive. Being almost completely alone and new in town, I started almost to believe them. I was panicky when she arrived. But you know, I was also by that time an experienced mom with a gaggle of lively and helpful children, all of whom were over the moon with this new baby. And a husband who thought that everything I did was just dandy.
What do they call this day at school? Crazy dress day? Everyone has to join in. Because we're not crazy enough on a normal day… |
I don't know what you picture yourself taking a stand for. I know that many of us can imagine that when Jesus said, “Blessed are you when men revile you…” He had in mind a great gesture of faith where we defend His resurrection or something. Little do we suspect that truth itself needs a defense, and little do we understand how very elemental, fundamental, basic of a truth we are asked to be strong for!
If the world is so lost that it doesn't realize that the natural function of human bodies, given at the very dawn of creation, sanctified by the commitment of two hearts, is a truth, then that is the truth we must be reviled for!
Overdue with #1 and a little astonished to be celebrating Thanksgiving with no baby! |
And if by “be reviled” I mean endure some unpleasant conversations, then, well, that's what we have to offer, and may it do some folks some good.
{And how sweet that this brave stand will get us –not martyrdom — but a big happy Thanksgiving table with lots of loving faces and grandchildren and someone to call us every day. The other misguided ones will be alone in a nursing home unless our children take pity on them and visit them. Not to mention be their doctors and pay taxes so that they have a road to drive on. So, whatever.}
Remember when I told you about the four cardinal virtues? Fortitude is just this — the strength to stand up to suffering. If our battle is in the land of impertinent, even rude, comments about the size of our family, then we better fight it there bravely. Prudence is knowing the right order of things — that babies come before whatever these people think we should put first. Temperance is self-control — not allowing ourselves to be overwhelmed by the desire to hide, not seeking comfort. Justice is giving others their due — God first! His due is that His truths be acknowledged in the order He gives them.
Grandpa, almost 90 years old, on the zip line. |
Finally, I just have to react to something I get a lot — and that is this: “I can't rely on being Catholic to explain it.” Or, “We're not Catholic, but we're expecting more kids.”
Of course we can all see that Catholics aren't having lots of kids, so why this thought?
Well, it's because the Church teaches, and has always taught this: That children are a very great gift from God. I, a Catholic, have children for the same reason you do — because I love my husband and am united to him in a holy project (same as you), namely, building a family. The Catholic Church gives me all I need to be “ready always to satisfy every one that asketh you a reason of that hope which is in you.”(1 Pet 3:15), by having really stood fast on this truth; and besides, by giving me the grace to carry it out, in whatever sorry way I can.
Here's the thing about this whole “well, you're a Catholic” thing. St. Paul warns us, “Do not be conformed to this world, but transformed in the newness of your mind, which is the good, and the acceptable, and the perfect will of God” (Rom. 12:2)
I think about how most people react to the news of another child arriving to parents are married and devoted to their family. Their conformity to the world has stifled truth in our time. In the end, I can't help being very grateful that my Church gives me a good excuse to hand to my crabby and disapproving relatives. And, dear Maria, I would think you would too!
The iconic picture of mayhem from the past — as only Grandma could capture it. |
sara says
That was lovely, Leila! Children are such blessing, even if they don't feel like it all the time, and I feel sorry for all those misguided souls who are deliberately missing out on the joy.
Chickensinmykitchen says
Oh Auntie Leila, I love this so much! We have four, and I think that four was definitely the dividing line between normal and “you all are crazy.” At a restaurant recently (at 4:30pm, before a church singalong, at a dinner during which my children were well-behaved), a woman came up to me and said “I don't know how you do it. I would scratch my eyes out if I had four children”..in front of my children. Well, I felt like scratching her eyes out, but all I could do was give her the “our children are such blessings to us” line. Sometimes I feel like shouting “We are doing this on purpose! We have so much joy with our children!”
I agree with your advice to have your husband make the announcement with pride. Some of our family members weren't thrilled with the idea of our having a big family, until my husband made the announcement about number four. Afterwards, several of the doubters told me that it was obvious how proud he was of his family, and they have never given us a negative comment since.
We are currently in the “are we done?” debate. Sometimes four seems like way too many. Sometimes it seems like there could never be enough.
Susan Holmes says
I have had people say similar tacky things to me. I usually reply, “Oh but you see, I LIKE my children!” That usually says it all.
Stephanie says
oh, leila – i love reading your wisdom. thank you so much for taking the time to blog. i look forward to your posts!!
laceymw says
You are good at giving me the posts I need when I need 'em! Thanks for this!
priest's wife says
We had our #4 two years ago- and yes- in our area 3 was a big family and four is crazy (except for my homeschooling circle of friends- 3 is medium and 4-5 is normal and 6 is not unheard of but getting a little crazy)
My advice to add to Leila's? Just have a smile on your face and expect people to be happy for you- sometimes I say “someone has to pay everyone's social security”- but usually I just say 'my kids are so great…' be positive- most people will be jealous you have stepped out in faith like this
Jennie says
“The other misguided ones will be alone in a nursing home unless our children take pity on them and visit them. Not to mention be their doctors and pay taxes so that they have a road to drive on. So, whatever.'
I love your straight talk! You are so right on with this post. We are expecting our fifth baby early next year. I remember with our fourth feeling that same sense that we were crossing the normal societal threshold and being a bit self-conscious about it. Not so with this one. I came to realize that it's better to be strange by the world's standards and love and care for the family with which I am blessed, than it is to be normal by those same standards just for the sake of pleasing everyone else (or at least not causing them shock :)).
CarlynB says
Dear, dear, Auntie Leila,
I'm sending this post to a friend of mine!
Sandy says
Love that last picture! Ah, family life. I have four and if I had it to do over I would certainly have had more. Blessings on you, sweet mommies having new babies. God will bless you!
Robin says
Love, love, love what you wrote. And the pictures are just perfect!
Beckie says
Oh thank you. Your straight to the heart of the matter is a breath of fresh air. I have come to really admire your spunk and your willingness to be real and merciful at the same time.
My daily goal is to be more and more like Jesus. I would love it if my journey was walked in the shoes of “Auntie B”. Thank you for being a good role model.
Anonymous says
Make sure you announce it with a big smile on your face. Say how happy you are with no apologies. I am expecting my fifth and I will be 44. I am older than normal and this is more children than normal. It is hard to be too negative to someone who is so unapologetically happy. It is hard to smile with morning sickness though. 🙂
Jamie says
Yes thank you! It is funny I only have 3 so far but find myself worrying/wondering what people will think (assuming God even blesses us with more!) I have friends who like to tease and a important family member made a comment about just making sure I don't become like the Dougars…just little things but they definitely make an impression in a hurtful way. Thank you for the encouragement. I am going to remember your advice.
Becca A. says
Thanks for sharing some of your older family photos, they make chaos look good. I'm not Catholic either but a Latter-day Saint, however, I too love the encouragement we are given through the scriptures and church leaders (and of course to each other as women of faith) to live the truth and stand up for it and that starts in the home!
Dawn says
This is great. I love everything you said. We have only been blessed with four. It is shocking to me the things people have said. To me we are just an ordinary family.
Blessings,
Dawn
Breanna says
'Round these parts apparently 3 kids is the threshold. At least I get a lot of comments from mommy friends wondering how I get out of the house with “all those children”. Which always strikes me as a little hilarious–one rides on my back, and the others are small and although they are speedy, I am more wiley.
Babies are awesome, and God sends the right number.
Mamabear, JD says
Oh, this is my favorite, favorite Leila post ever! When we told my mother in law about number 4, she smacked her head like Homer Simpson. It hurt me. My own mother has given me the “we're concerned about your age” speech more than once. But then one day recently my daughter said, “my favorite days in the car are when you come home from a doctor's appointment and say you are having a baby.”. I'm too tired right now, but my brood is accustomed to our timeline of baby every two years! Their love for each new baby is awesome. Than you for sharing your family photos. I really enjoyed it.
Lela says
I'm a Presbyterian and while our church doesn't even condem abortion there are always families in every faith that believe God can decide the size of your family.
Bethanne says
“Little do we suspect that truth itself needs a defense, and little do we understand how very elemental, fundamental, basic of a truth we are asked to be strong for.”
It is hard to remember some days how important and beautiful our families really are. What a beautiful post. You really are living out the new evangelization and giving other families encouragement to do the same.
Lish says
I have so many friends who are childless, and say they wish to remain so. They often visit to see my two since they are such a joy to us and to all they meet. People don't understand what is “normal” and what they actually want. They see a happy, albeit slightly crazy family and feel empty, but maintain that they don't want a family. I find that sad when it is so simple to create a fulfilling life and a family. I only have two, and medically needed to stop at two, who are 11 months apart, but would have been happy to have a much larger family. We count our blessings every day, and love having other families over to create a house full of laughing, crying, crazy kiddos. I am choosing to homeschool and face similar negative opinions. It is good to know there are so many who support our decisions to allow nature and God to bless us in so many ways.
Jeannie says
Fantastic post! I only wish more could read this; maybe we can leave this around at church :). I was really embarrassed at church recently when an older couple who handles the sale of religious goods in our courtyard after Mass remarked on the number of children we have, we have 4. I think the fact that we are still in the younger stage might make us stand out a bit, especially in SoCal. However, very nice couple, but they remarked that we had so many children and then told me that their daughter and son-in-law just had their 2nd or 3rd and they told her that was enough because children are expensive. I was so embarrassed( I am such a wimp)! I had no idea what to say and am terrible at speaking up. All I could think of was to silently pray for her in my heart. Afterward, I was so upset and wished I could be more gutsy like my mom and say something encouraging.
My Catholic neighbor even told me. “Having another one, they get more expensive as they get older you know!”, in front of my children. I just smiled and remarked that we were excited about our 4th.
LJ says
I'm glad you had at least 5 kids. 🙂
justamouse says
Having 7 also, I know the “She's just crazy, ” looks, and the remarks. There's not one I would give back, not one I wouldn't pay for a million times over, and I can't even begin to describe how much I thoroughly enjoy being with them. That's the part that makes them think I'm crazy-I *enjoy* being with them. I LIKE their company. i would love to have more!
justamouse says
Also, this is my most favorite post EVER.
Rachel says
Love the pics. I have 8 (oldest is 9), and sometimes I hesitate to take the pics because I don't think I'll want to remember the mess. But really? It's just life being lived! And your pictures are so gorgeous.
And ALSO….I finally figured out who your writing reminds me of! Peg Bracken! Have you read her I Hate to Housekeep and I Hate to Cook books? I even searched on your site to see if you had quoted her (so that was me looking up “Peg Bracken”). I hope you take that as a compliment…any one who can make me thoroughly enjoy a book (or post) on cooking or housecleaning is an excellent wordsmith (and comedienne) in my “book”!
Juliana B says
Thank you for this; where we live, the dividing line between acceptable and crazy is between 2 and 3 kids and we just passed it with the birth of our daughter this week (and with it a lot of disapproving looks, frowning faces, inconsiderate remarks and several women glancing at me with the disdain I think the Victorian upper classes reserved for the “animal” underclass who couldn't possibly control themselves…)
But about the timing of the pregnancy announcement, I have to disagree with you. Our first born son was born too soon and died before having a chance at life; because of when he died, there were many of our friends and acquaintances that didn't yet know we were pregnant since we had heeded society's dictates to wait, wait, wait, wait to tell. So when he died, we had the awkward task of not only telling people we had been pregnant, but that we were now planning a funeral. It was very hard since people had to make several big leaps all at once, and frankly, many didn't quite know how to handle it all. We were devastated because it had taken us so long to get pregnant in the first place (and weren't sure we even could).
When we got pregnant again, I decided we should tell people earlier so that if, God forbid, we should have to bury another baby, we would at least have the people we love on the journey with us so they could support us better. And while our next three children arrived safe and sound, I've never regretted telling people earlier in the process, just in case.
_Leila says
Well, Juliana, yes — don't wait TOO long! It's funny that you talk about “society's dictates” — what I see now is young people posting photos of their pregnancy test on FB! At 4 scant weeks! I think society is into TMI in a big way. By all means, let those you trust to stick with you know. As always, common sense…
Lisa G. says
Oh, that last photo! PRICELESS – hilarious!
Bethanne said a wonderful thing, and so true – you are living out the new evangelization.
Pippajo says
What a great post. I must agree with you although I find I have quite the opposite problem. The Viking and I would have loved to have had a large family. In fact, we had four children in the first seven years of our marriage. But God, in His sovereignty, saw fit to take two and leave two. And when it became dangerous for me to attempt to have more, I was left with the shocking reality of having had my last baby before I was thirty. And the comments began. People will insist on forgetting that I am not God and neither are they (I love how you put that)!
I can't tell you how many people have asked me, with pity and even judgement on their faces, “Oh, ONLY two?” And it's clear they think I am one of those poor women who doesn't understand that children are a blessing from the Lord, that I decided I didn't want any more. I guess guilt is just a vocational hazard of motherhood.
Trusting God to design our family the way He sees fit has been a challenge, but I have learned to trust that He has given us the perfect number of children for us (however many or few that may be) regardless of what anyone else says or thinks.
Amy says
First off, I only have 2 children myself. This was a decision made out of necessity due to multiple job loss, a move to get a new job, loss of that job, etc. I don't know I might still have more. At 40, I wonder what people would say.
Anyway what I want to know is why people think they have a right to judge others on how many children they have? Why is it so many people comment about it? I have friends with 4-5-6 children and hear this all the time.
I just find it rude.
Amy
Bethany says
Oh Auntie Leila, if you were my real aunt, I'd come over and kiss you on the cheek. 🙂 You're children, family, and now the rest of us with an internet connection are so blessed to have your wisdom. Thank you for all the amazing nuggets of wisdom in this post.
I am pregnant with #7, under less then ideal circumstances because of birth complications with the last one. God is so good to give us another child, even if the entire world thinks we are fools.
THANK YOU!
Bethany
Amy says
Bethany,
You are not a fool. You are a woman with a large capacity to love.
Amy
Mary says
I still do not understand how people can comment on what is ultimately private. You know what I mean, the lewd ones that they all insinuate. I have eight children and I would have to say that there have been comments since the very first, but NOT my last. I guess they figure if I have 8 then I must be doing it on purpose or too insane to comment to. The comments don't just come from strangers, but family as well!
Marie, my only advice is to just show up at the wedding and if people notice and ask just say, “Yes, Hubby and I are so pleased, and the children are so happy.” Leila had a post at one point that I remember reading about what your true treasures are – the lasting treasures: children. Keep that in mind. Many women have walked, and still do walk this path that you are on. We are all with you in spirit. 🙂
When the comments are nasty, just walk away as though you did not hear anything. It actually makes them feel stupid (as I have learned from a later confession from a neighbor).
Thank you Leila. Like I have thought for so long… if only. If only I had your words so many years ago! If only I had my words years ago!
Lastly, did you know that the famous Susan Boyle was the ninth child of her parents? You never know who you are carrying in your womb. Perhaps someone greater than all of us….
RubberChickenGirl says
I just *love* you.
I could go on and on about this subject having gone through 7 pregnancies, 8 babies and five live births, but I'll refrain.
People have all these Unwritten Laws in the Universe as I like to refer to them. Such as, 1 baby is spoiled, 2 babies is legal and required, 3 is okay if you didn't get your boy or girl, and like you said, 4 is completely out of control!!
Unfortunately, it seems all those visions of glorious Thanksgivings laughing around the table are not so easy to come by in the end with all the powers of hell storming against the “salvation of humanity” that is the family. It's not a free ride. May God redeem all our feeble attempts to fulfill His purposes for us. Did you NOT ever feel assailed. I guess I need a vision of God being bigger and badder than all the works of the evil one that have thwarted us in our happy vision/mission.
I'll have to read all the other comments.
RCG
ginger says
I just read this verse in Malachi 2:15,
Did He not make them one, with the portion of the Sprit in their union? ANd what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth.
Puffin Hen says
Ah, Leila, you always seem to be reading my mind… Thanks for being there when the immediate environment is somewhat lacking in the “like minded people” department… You are a blessing.
Mama Hen says
I think this is the best thing you have ever written!
Lisa says
Great post, Leila. Love all those photos!
My grandma had 8 children and then at age 40… gave birth to twins- one of whom turned out to be my mom.
Thanks be to God!
Kh. Patty says
I laughed out loud AND this post brought tears to my eyes. As someone who will be in this place soon, I am so grateful for your encouragement! In the time before blogs, my dear mother thought her family of three children was considered horribly large and felt so isolated at times! As we plan to go beyond this number, I can't begin to tell you how much your example means to me!
Anna says
Excellent! I wish I had thought to ask you first. 😛 I so appreciate your wisdom and frank opinion.
Anitra says
I only have two (and I'm not sure I want more), but I think your advice is wonderful, Leila.
I have tended to announce pregnancies early, if only because I am too sick to do anything but lay on the couch starting around 7 weeks in. I don't want people to think that I don't like them or don't want to be with them, but I have to cut my commitments down to NOTHING until my morning sickness passes (with the first it was at 12 weeks, with the second, at 16 weeks).
I am an only child, so big families kind of intimidate me. I could maybe see having a third child, but I think that would be the limit for our family. But our family is not anyone elses! Who am I to say if my friend can handle more children? That is for God to decide.
Emily says
Leila, this post is awesome! And timely! Thank you for so effectively communicating the things you have so clearly thought through! God bless.Emily b.
Generic Mom says
Long, long time lurker – first time to comment! We have six – the comments never stop , almost none are nice. I have few friends, it's like we're contagious or something. I used to be hurt by that, but a couple of years ago I realized that friends don't really matter; I already live in a house with all of my favorite people! Be proud of your family whatever it's size, great article Leila. You have my vote for best blog.
Mary says
Great post…and very timely as we're very visibly expecting number 4. I have to fight the temptation to feel embarassed when I'm with all my children at the store (who are usually very well behaved) but I still feel so OBVIOUS, even though we are thrilled to be having this baby.
I also have to disagree, though, with the idea that you should wait to tell people. While that is fine for some people, we did have one baby die at 10 weeks, and I can't imagine having to hide that grief. I felt like my baby had the right to be acknowledged. I also am a huge believer in telling siblings. Kids can handle so much more than we think they can and deserve to know that they have a brother or sister in heaven praying for their family. We pray to our little patron saint every day and that child is treated as a member of the family. Besides, I think it might be more confusing and even scary to a child to see their parents obviously going through something (I don't know about you, but I'm not good at hiding when I've been crying!) but not knowing what it is. But, I agree, that if one fears a negative reaction from certain people, then obviously prudence should be exercised when deciding who and when to tell! Thank you for the great post!
Mamabear, JD says
I know what you mean about being embarrassed at the store! My number 3 is our most spirited, though is still reasonably well behaved, and so when I was visibly pregnant with #4 and had all 3 of them with me at the store, I really felt that way. Sometimes people would say something, trying to be nice, and then sometimes people were rude, as if to say “she can't even handle the kids she has.” There is one particular grocery store in my city that I will not take my family to on the weekends, because that's when we say the “haters” come out!
Heather says
Unbelievable, isn't it, the way people behave? I only have two so far, and they are learning to obey but very energetic little boys. The grocery store can be trying, especially when people are so free with their ugly glares. One time a grown man put his fingers in his ears when he walked by us. A grown man! He should be ashamed of himself. It was kind of funny.
Anne-Marie says
I think you should tell people early if they are people who will mourn with you (rather than be relieved) if the worst happens. For us this includes telling the older siblings. I couldn't stand the thought of me and my husband being full of grief and the children not knowing why.
Also, start by telling people (if you know any) whose sincere reaction will be a celebratory “Congratulations!” even if these people are not your closest relatives. Buoyed up by their joy, you may find it easier to make the announcement to less appreciative people. Be relentlessly cheerful to the naysayers and ignore any rudeness. “Great news! We're having a baby!” (You don't have to say “another” if you don't want to!) “Oh my stars. Don't you guys have a TV?” “Thanks! We're so excited and happy!”
angela michelle says
Thank you so much for this! Last year when we were expecting baby #6 our announcement generally got [awkward pause] “Was this ON PURPOSE?” As if six children is something that could only happen by accident. I was so grateful for the friend who just sincerely said, “Congratulations!” That, my friends, is the right answer!
Kristen says
We got poor reactions from our childless friends and even a grandparent, when we announced #2. #2! What are they going to say when we have 3…4…5. Poor things. Might blow their minds. 🙂
renee says
I needed this so much. We just found out we are expecting our fourth and I am spending the first trimester trying to compile responses to the barrage of unthoughtful comment. Fortunately, we are surrounded by lots of supportive friends and family. But, we already heard from one brother, “You know how that happens.”
“Yes…It’s not a mystery to us.”
Sue says
Wonderful words of wisdom! And, the “illustrations” are priceless.
I also enjoyed reading your dear husband's related article on CatholicCulture.org. What a great team you are!! It's no wonder your kids have turned out so well.
I also listened to him on Catholic Answers Radio the other day. I felt like, “hey, I know him! Kinda. Remotely.” Loved his Boston accent! :o)
Faith says
The funniest comment I received was yesterday: “It must be hard to think of names for 'em all!” My five kids (including adorable baby) were right there looking shocked. We have varied the timing of the “telling”- depending on our mental strength at the time.
Katherine says
Thanks for this. We have 4 children, all girls. Less than 3 hours after I gave birth to our youngest daughter, my mom said we had a “harem” and asked if we were “done.” I just replied I really wasn't thinking about that right now and went back to glowing over my baby. I don't mind telling people that “only God knows if we are done” and that I'd like more but the comments get very tiresome so it is nice to see a post like this that takes the right view on children. It still blows my mind the way people can view a child as a choice to have or not have.
The only thing that makes it difficult for me is that we currently live with my parents. They pay almost all our bills. So on the one hand, it would be easy to argue we shouldn't have more kids anytime soon. But when you consider that we live with them in their newly built million dollar home, on just what basis would we prevent a pregnancy? (My husband does work but only part time and he is finishing his dissertation.)
gradchica says
I'm pregnant with #2 and am amused at the comments I get when people find out I am having a second boy–the assumption is I must be upset not to be expecting a girl, as if I only had 2 chances to get a perfect boy-girl set and used them up so now I'll be stuck, daughter-less, in a household of boys. I keep saying, “Who knows, maybe we'll have a girl next” and people's eyes start bugging out, as if wanting and planning for 3 or more is absolutely shocking. sigh.
Kathi says
Fabulous post.
I'll never forget when I was visibly expecting our 6th (born 2 weeks shy of my 40th bday) , the delightful congratulations I got from our eldest's piano teacher (who had 7), “Let me be the FIRST to encourage you to have the 7th! I assure you he or she will be a joy that words can not express.” I assured her she was the first to encourage me to a 7th! With a sigh at age 45, this body doesn't look like it's going to put forth a 7th. God's will be done.
Congratulations to you Maria on the pending arrival of another soul for this world – your small contribution to saving it!
Shannon says
Aunty Leila, thank you for this lovely post. Sharing about your miscarriage especially blessed me today.
With love, Shannon
Jill says
I am actually in the process of a third miscarriage, with four children at home. This fifth child is very much wanted. My dad happened to stop by yesterday morning, just minutes after I realized that I was losing the baby and said, “You know, you need to stop this. You have to stop doing this to yourself.” Of course, upon hearing about my pregnancy three weeks ago he said, muttering to himself, “you need to stop this s*&t”. Lovely. We are truly living in a difficult world, when grandparents don't even welcome their own grandchildren. In a healthy pregnancy, I am very sick to the point of hospitalization by 9 -10 weeks, so keeping it quiet is not an option for me. But if it were, I wouldn't tell my family until it was plainly obvious. My Catholic friends, though, are very lovely and supportive.
_Leila says
Jill, we are praying for you! And I do think that your dad is worried about you. I think it's his concern that makes him vent in that negative way. Even though it hurts you, it will be healing if you can see that.
Marie says
Hello Leila, I am Australian and it seems things are no different down under! My husband and I -listening to our friends and those Catholic friends who should know better, were “expected” to “stop” having children after two, simply because we produced a boy and then 15months later, a girl. Surely, they said to us, we would now be completely satisfied since we had two children of both sexes. Anyway, we could laugh it off and shake our heads.They stopped the potentially hurtful comments after our sixth was born, and happily were all so thrilled and happy for us when we ended up with our ninth child! Most even confessed to me that they would have loved a large faamily, but 'couldn't afford it” To me that is the saddest comment . We were not rich- far from it, but full of faith in God, we never thought about it much and somehow we were blessed and blessed and kids never lacked what they needed. It has been busy, but oh so wonderful!! None of them caused us any grief in their growing up and are very close to one another. Now grandchildren are arriving. God is good!!!
Fr Peter says
Dear Liela and Phll – thanks for this glimpse into your beautiful family.
I am one of seven and as I get older (now 69) I appreciate more and more our large family. The love and joy of a large family when we get together is noisy, always hungry, always laughter, and always it provides us with new opportunities to repeat the things that brought us together as children when Mum and Dad said “Do the washing up, please”, “Please do your chores” etc.
Reliving the stories of the tribe when we get together is always boring to in-laws but we love it even if it is a bit nepotistic! We came through hard times just after the war with my mother delivering to us almost a child a year. But it certainly did not hurt us, for we received values we have lived by and thus were prepared for the knocks and bumps of real life. None of us have lost our bearings or our marbles!!
I live 'down-under' and I watch in sad amazement at the greedy 'me-centred' younger generations. I hope our love and prayers for them sees them receiving in an understanding way, God's graces which help them see beyond the here and now!
Keep up the good work. Catholic Culture is tops!
Blessings and mutual prayers, Fr Peter
tereza crump says
I have 4 children. Recently we had a couple over (they are older and have 2 children) and they asked us if we were competing with the Duggars. I replied ” Well, I am already 40 so I don't think I could have 15 more, but we could always adopt.” and smiled. They were taken back and said we could have their quota. After remarking that children are an inheritance from God I asked “If God told you He would give you a million dollars every two years, would you tell Him no? No, Lord, I had enough. 2 million dollars is enough?” The man laughed and said “point taken.”
Parenthood is the hardest job on this earth and sometimes I feel like a failure, but I just can't turn back or tell my Lord “no.”. I love my children and they are gifts to us from Him. 🙂
Thanks for this post. 🙂
crafty P says
Expecting our fifth and being told daily (by many in the Catholic school my kids attend) how CRAZY we are! well, then I suspect heaven will be filled with crazy people like myself. Catholic and proud to be crazy! A new motto?
When I told family members, I simply said, C'mon, you knew we would have more! You just didn't know when! We're thrilled!!
THankfully, family members haven't said anything negative. IF they didn't agree, it seems the appropriate response was just silence. My in-laws said nothing when we announced. Well, that's just sad. I'm giving THEM the gift of MORE grandkids to love!!
sarah says
I am encouraged by this post and all the comments from mothers of large families. I can understand people's “concern”– I want a large family, God willing, and still am in awe of families with more than 4, how they handle daily life. But some comments are just rude. We have two girls and are expecting our 3rd next year. Many people, family and friends, have said that maybe we'll have a boy so we can stop. I usually get so flustered I respond to such comments with “Yeah but then he'll need a brother, then they'll all need another sister, so I don't think we'll be able to stop any time soon.”
Eternal Optimist says
Ha Ha Ha! So many fond memories of awkward and fantastically awkward conversations! I got to enjoy them after awhile. “Are you done?” “Done?” “Done having children?” “Huh?” “I mean, you have 5.” “Yeah, they're great, aren't they? And I REALLY like my wife.”
For years we lived in a place where having 2 children and working on your first marriage meant you were really old-school religious. With 5, we might as well have been from the planet Krypton. People kept asking me if I was Catholic. I kept saying “no, I just really like my wife.” Eventually I got the hint and wound up converting.
We moved a couple of years ago to a different part of the country, and all of a sudden we were the smallish family in the “big family” club. Our friends had 8, 9, 10 children. What a blast! We felt so pathetic. They were nice, though, and let us be part of the club. Which was cool.
Thank you for a LOVELY read!! What a treat.
Edward Kenna says
Children are the only thing worth working for and those people who limit their choice to two or three I predict that when they reach the time when they cannot conceive that deep regrets will set in; Their conscience will bother them when they hear the pitter-patter of little feet or the laugh of a child. I know this from people who purposely limited their family size. I have nine children and one miscarriage plus 19 grandchildren and a clear conscience
Mary Young says
My husband and I have nine children and it is the best thing we ever did. They are all grown and love each other so much and are so kind to each other and support one another. God blessed us. I'm so happy the cousins get to know one another also–what a wonderful thing. We now have 22 grandchildren and are expecting two more in seven months. It's wonderful to pass our values on to others and watch them pass them on also. I can't tell you haw blessed we are.
JaneC says
It's good to see so many who are so happy with their large families! My husband and I are both only children (though not by our parents' choice). My husband and I hope for a large family of our own, but as each month passes and our fourth anniversary approaches, I begin to doubt it will happen. Please pray for those of us who only wish people were staring at our numerous children in the grocery store.
April says
I really love your post…but I've come to feel a little differently about NOT disclosing pregnancy to protect yourself and your children in case of miscarriage.
My husband and I miscarried our first child earlier this year and now we're pregnant again. We haven't told EVERYONE – but all close friends and family knew between 6 and 9 weeks. We made the judgment that if we lost the baby – we didn't WANT to through it again alone. We didn't want to make up reasons for why I was too sick to go anywhere (we spent the first three months of the year doing that) – so we just decided to be honest.
For us – this was the right choice.
It's true that we don't have other children – but my siblings and I were 14, 10 and 4 when my mom had a miscarriage a few days after she announced to everyone she was 12 weeks pregnant. It wasn't traumatizing for us like it was for her. It was life and it helped us understand why our mom was suddenly different. It made us appreciate the little brother who came two years later that much more.
I guess I just feel that every person is different. Some women might not mind sharing and some children would benefit from knowing – even if there is a chance of loss.
I personally feel that in today's world – where life in early stages is so disposable – I want to be a witness to the joy of a new life early on, even though it leaves me a little bit vulnerable.
Wendi says
We have nine (so far) and the oldest is 23. I have a lot of experience with the negative attitude which started when we announced that number three was on the way (we already had a boy and a girl you see, so we should have been done).
I've tried lots of replies over the years…I used to get very defensive…until my Beloved pointed out that I was giving the children the impression that I had something to be defensive about.
So now when asked rude (and make no mistake it is rude) questions about the size of my family, I just smile and say…”my husband is really hot.” At which point the person being critical laughs nervously and moves on. I give no apologies and I also give them no opening to continue the conversation.
MaryBeth says
I know that i'm a bit late on commenting, but I absolutely LOVED this post and absolutely loved your husband's… It's so nice to have this sort of encouragement when you are in the midst of things…
Amanda says
Leila, this was great. And then i just noticed your update to Phil's. Which I haven't read yet, but wow! I didn't realize that your Phil was Catholic Culture Phil. Catholic Culture is such a ministry, and so is your blog. 🙂
Jenny says
We are a Catholic family and have only one child. We are very happy for those who have any children, be it 1, 2, or more. People are blessed no matter what their family size. I really wonder if in the past people talked about things like this at all in casual settings (like in the parish hall). Everything is so out in the open now. As a mother of only one child I'm sick of being asked when/if I plan on having more. It just want to yell at them and say mind your own business, but that would not be nice, so I just say we hope for more and change the subject.
I wish people would live and let live and just shut up about it all. When you see someone with a large family in the grocery store, just smile and walk on by or say what a beautiful family they have. When someone is obviously expecting, how about not saying anything regarding number and just asking how the mother is doing. Also, when you meet a mother which just one child in tow, don't ask if she has anymore or is planning on having more. If she has more she will probably come out and tell you, and if she can't have more or isn't planning on having more, that is personal, and should only be advertised to the closest of family. Also, try not to assume that parents of only one or a few children are contracepting.
Sara says
OK, I didn't read the entire—I kind of skimmed it since I'm in new babies fog, but I really appreciate your words of wisdom Leila. It's wonderful to be reminded of what a blessing babies are. My twins were born a week ago–they are number 5 & 6, and while our church family is extremely supportive and helpful, most of them think we are nuts. Sometimes I think that, but then I remember that God blessed us with two sweet baby girls at one time, and because of that, He will give us the grace to deal with it. Oh, and my other children, 9 & under just LOVE the babies and it's great because they get more turns holding them.
Kristi says
Thank you for posting this!! (says a new Catholic convert who just had her sixth baby….)
Melissa says
My husband and I delighted in the photos of this post… they were completely adorable! We are a week into life with our second son, our first being 17 months old. I wonder if you have any thoughts on adjusting to life with a new baby and a toddler while healing from birth and still running a home. Just curious if you've ever written on this?
Angela says
What a delight to read this post and the comments! We have four young children, ranging from 5 yrs to 9 weeks old. Every day is crazy, pretty, fun, and real! We have had a lot of strange looks and questions like “Do you know what causes that?” However, we have had SO many people tell us what a beautiful family we have. We went hiking with them all while on vacation in Wyoming last week and had so many pleasant comments and lots of smiles. When people say “You certainly have your hands full!,” as if it's such an original comment, I try to remember the good comments and smile while responding “yes, we feel so blessed!”
mcm says
Thank you Leila. We just found out we are expecting number 6, and I loved your picture of your teenager holding Bridget. 🙂 My oldest (15yo) is just thrilled to pieces, God love her. Jumped in the air squealing she did. If only everyone's reactions would be as enthusiastic! One big stumbling block we run into is that people feel like you have to be rich to have lots of kids. And we aren't. No one goes hungry or anything. 🙂 So we feel like we are blessed enough to continue, you know? But the attitude around us from family that watches us struggle some from time to time is that if you are struggling at all, you shouldn't have more kids. My husband and I say, “We aren't going to look back in 20 years and wish we'd been able to replace that bathroom floor or that we'd had a nicer washer and drier.” Still…most of the large families that we know in real life do seem to have quite a bit more income than we do. So the comments sting,,,surely all these online big families aren't wealthy?
_Leila says
Melanie, it's more the case among the families I know with lots of children that they are the ones who are poor the way most people think of poverty. They scrimp and save and truly don't have one penny to rub against the other. When I think of giving alms, I feel like giving to them, but they are also the ones who would refuse that kind of help!
Why? because they feel rich in what is important.
Your husband is so right! It's a battle of VISIONS. Keep up yours and never ever let people upset your priorites!
Veronica Greear says
How did I miss this post? I check your blog all the time because I love it so. This post is wonderful, I laughed because when I had our fourth a year and a half ago I was not worried about anything at all *except* the reactions of family and friends?! I remember telling my friend tearfully that no one would have us over for dinner anymore because who wants to have a family with 4 kids over?! And she said, “I will, and we will have a blast!” That's why she's my best friend (she also has 4 kids.) Totally agree with all you said!
Cary says
I don't know how I missed this fantastic post. I know you've heard this before, but PLEASE write a book with these lovely posts. I would love to give a book that you've written as an engagement or wedding gift.
Cary says
This post made me think of two things: One, I had comments of “Was it planned?” and that was on the first one. The second one, (who came after two miscarriages) I thought, I'll be ready and said, “All babies are God's plan.” The rude comment back was, “Then it wasn't.” Speechless, I was. We were blessed with four after 3 more miscarriages. We moved, and joined a parish where most everyone has big families, which means we have a small one. Many look at us judgingly and as Jenny said, it's really none of their business. One mother I was conversing with said, after I had mentioned miscarriage, “Ooohh, that's why.” I understood that that mother of 11 at the time (now 12) was clearly originally disapproving of my “small” family. So, both sides need to be thought about on this issue and we accept all that God gives us, many or few, or possibly none and bless the marriages to work toward holiness whatever God hands them.
_Leila says
Cary, yes. Having babies is bound up with so many unknowns, physical, emotional, spiritual — if only everyone would mind their own business! We must be strong for marriage and babies in principle, but delicate with individuals.
Kristen E. says
Thank you so much for writing this- I'm pregnant with our 5th blessing and really needed the encouragement after hearing a lot of, “I don't know HOW you'll do it….”
It gave me strength and helped my fortitude! And yes the kids are over the moon excited! God always provides what I need and I am so grateful he lead me to this post!
God Bless!
Faith says
rereading from the archives to get an Auntie Leila “peptalk”– #7on the way! Yippee! Catholic Culture and LMLD are my mainstays!! Thank you!
megan says
Like you (most likely) I believe in divine providence. My dear friend told me about your blog just recently. I have not stopped reading it since. This one post along with the what it means to be a woman post have brought me to tears. We are expecting our 9th child. I have just turned 44. While we are very, very happy about this , you could imagine the dread I feel at telling others. My sister jokes that I’m digging a tunnel in the yard just so I don’t have to see anyone. And the sick part is we’re happy about the baby and that’s all that should matter. I think you put it perfectly you just want to protect the intimacy for a while. I personally like to wait as long as I can so I feel physically better and not like a victim.
One last thought. When people comment on the fact that I am a Catholic and this is why we have so many children it bothers me. While I do practice (or try to) my religion what they are trying to imply is that you’re a simpleton. They get to walk away feeling somehow morally and intellectually superior and I stand there knowing and feeling all the things you have mentioned in this post and not being able to articulate it because quite frankly I think it’s over their head. There I go being superior. Any suggestions?
_Leila says
Megan, it's not a feeling of superiority, I think, but just of feeling that you've seen things and done things that the person can't understand — it's just outside their experience. In a way, I think it's like those men who came back from WWII and simply couldn't talk about it to anyone. In the case of having children, it isn't the horror (hopefully, although I do think there's suffering that people want to insulate themselves from), but it is a depth of knowledge. How to communicate that?
I think that we just have to love. Answer kindly, smile, try to say something that conveys that you TRUST. Trust is the one thing missing from these folks who judge us for our coming baby. When we remind them that God exists, that He sees us, that He loves us, and that we trust Him, we are helping them. And then, don't be fooled by attitude. Even if a person can't react with kindness to us, in the end, we can be sure that our calm trust will communicate itself to them.
It also doesn't hurt to show trust in your husband's ability to provide — another thing that most people just can't imagine. At the back of their issue with the next baby is the thought — often justified, truth be told — that a woman can't rely that much on a man. I do believe that this is one testimony greatly needed today: the assurance that a woman can have a confident trust in her husband!
megan says
Can I say your the best! Right again. They can't know the love and admiration I feel for my husband every time I tell him we are having a baby. We are on an adventure together and he is fearless. That's manly, having confidence in God and his own abilities.
thank you, God bless !
CMerie says
We just found out that we are expecting #4 and though thrilled, I think we are both a little nervous about stepping over that line of life is crazy already to life is going to get insane! It feels like this is the point where I'm really going to have to rely on God, because I know there is no way I can do it alone. Especially since we are starting our first journey into homeschooling this year. So we'll start with momma having morning sickness and then in March we'll have a new baby. Scary, crazy, and awe inspiring all at the same time!
CMerie says
(It made me split my comment into two.)
____This will also be the first baby that we are not planning on telling people about right away. We had a miscarriage after our first child, and it brought peace to know we had acknowledged him or her. But this time, we are waiting to tell for exactly the reasons you suggest in this post. My oldest is now aware enough that if we did tell and then lose this baby, it would really hurt him, so we're waiting to tell the children at least until the morning sickness is so unbearable I can't hide any more. We may tell close friends at that point as well, if only so we have the support we may need. My mother and other relatives will wait until much later (they live in another state, so that is not hard). Their comments will be interesting at best and I want to be stronger before I face them. This morning has been a roller coaster of emotions, but after imagining all the little children running around us, I'm starting to get excited. Yay for life!
Anne Paraskevas says
My only regret in life… not having more children!!!! God Bless you all!
Colleen says
Auntie Leila – Thank you so much for this post. It is so affirming. When our relatives think we are crazy, and I hear “You've got your hands full!” 18 times in a grocery trip, it is so reassuring to hear that really, thinking that children are a blessing and being happy to welcome a lot of them is NOT an immediate indicator that I am not right in the head. 🙂
Your posts about housekeeping, meal planning, nursing the baby, and taking a shower (!) have been absolutely invaluable to me. I was starting to feel like it was all coming together – we were eating dinners at home, things were reasonably clean and calm around here – and then the morning sickness hit. I have a 10 month old who still nurses a lot overnight and a toddler and a preschooler, and I feel like all my hard work has been undone in just the past 5 days! I likely have another 6 weeks of this, and while I am SO grateful I am only moderately sick and nowhere near as ill as those poor women who have to be hospitalized for IV fluids, it is still a bit discouraging. I was wondering if you had any advice or encouragement for me and others who are in my shoes. How did you survive pregnancy exhaustion and sickness and keep things from falling apart on the home front? I am SO grateful for this sweet baby God has blessed us with and looking forward to many more, God willing, but I sometimes worry about my lack of fortitude. I often struggle to suffer with a smile. (My dear husband helps as much as he can, but is working long hours these days so the bulk of the childcare and chores falls on me.)
Thank you for sharing your wisdom. You have blessed so many of us through your willingness to share pieces of your lives. You have been in my prayers and I am so glad to hear that you are on the mend after your surgery!
_Leila says
Dear Colleen,
There are definitely seasons when things \”fall apart.\” Remember my
thought that sometimes all your family can get from you is a meal,
maybe clean laundry. It's okay. You will get to the next stage soon
enough…
You can ask for help from your children. You can ask from your
friends! And be patient with yourself and know that God sees you right
where you are and knows you are doing your best. This makes us more
patient with others, you know 🙂
Thanks for all the well-wishes! I do really appreciate them so much.
A big hug!!
Annie Dill says
This is my first post of yours to read. It is wonderful! My youngest of 4 is now 17 and I well remember fearing the teasing and comments I was sure would come when I was expecting him. To my surprise, not only did no one tease me, but some moms quietly expressed to me their wish that they too could have another baby – or could have borne a baby at all. Sadly, my mother-in-law never acknowledged our coming baby in the entire nine-month pregnancy except to ask if we wanted to borrow the bassinet again. Once he was born, however, she came over unannounced for dinner so many times in the first two weeks that my patience was tried. Thank you for this post; I look forward to reading your others.
Laura says
I have a question…What if your older children ARE NOT excited about the idea of more babies in the house? My husband and I have 6 children. Our oldest 2 are boys, 12 and 14, and they have been very clear about not wanting any more siblings. They are embarrased when people stare at us, and they are afraid that their friends will make fun of them. I’m hoping that Auntie Leila will have some wise words for this situation. 🙂
Leila says
Dear Laura,
As your children head into their second decade, awareness of the outside world dawns on them. A good priest once told me that the burning question they have is “are my parents crazy?”
This second decade requires a new confidence from you. Your task is to walk that line between doing what you know is right and being crazy. The kids keep you on the line 🙂 For their sake you do what is right and TRY not to act crazy.
Their friends are telling them that you are crazy — simply because they are repeating what they hear every adult in their life say, and for another reason: THEY are trying to figure out if THEIR parents are crazy. So they (your kids’ peers) are maybe hoping for some data themselves. “Why do you have so many kids in your family?” sounds to your kids like “Your parents are crazy.” But it means “Is there a good reason? What could it be?”
They are all trying to make sense of the world.
We know that we are doing what God wants us to do, even while we have the awareness that we make mistakes and in particular, this phase, when all the kids are pretty young, looks chaotic to those who are not used to it. It might be the time to be sure that they are dressed well, have haircuts, and clean their rooms. You know what I mean. Sometimes you have to ask yourself if your family is actually being embarrassing. Happens to the best of us.
So the confidence is that you know how to look beyond appearances. You correct mistakes as you become aware of them, which helps your bigs see that you are handling things. You occasionally (but not didactically or pedantically) verbally affirm your mission with everyone.
But most of all, you arrange things so that you are all enjoying each other. Family spirit becomes much more important in the face of “attitude” from the kids. “Attitude” (that appearance of questioning or being embarrassed or not trusting you) is quite misleading. You must have the confidence to enjoy your family regardless.
This phase passes quickly, so don’t worry. If you give in to the fatal sense that others are judging you, your children won’t recover. They will drift off to find that sense of confidence elsewhere. But if you serenely do your thing according to your vision and spirit (with corrections of mistakes as you are able), you find that they relax and become proud of their family.
The first thing I would say is to bring them up short. “We certainly wouldn’t have rejected you two, even though you are ungrateful bozos.” “Who thinks they are too cool for a new baby? Try not to be jerks.” Or if you tend to express yourself gently (unlike Auntie Leila), “If we have too many kids, maybe we could send you two off to make room for this new one.”
Your husband maybe could give this little talking to.
Anyway, maybe they need new friends or an awareness of how their friends are just woefully ignorant about the joys of large family living. In any case, maybe more family time is indicated.
While acting naturally, without making a fuss, make sure they see how confidently happy you and your husband are (and the littles maybe?) and how happy you expect THEM to be — and that they will be missing the happy boat if they continue in this unpleasant manner! Soon it will be over. Don’t worry!
Laura says
Thank you so very much for your quick and thorough response! It gives me hope. I will be following your practical advice this week. Thanks again. I have no one that I could ask this question to, and I am very grateful to you for helping me through this. God bless.
Leah says
I live in an area that has a good number of larger families (the town I shop in is the last bit of civilization before you drive 20 miles to my “neighborhood”–which includes more cattle than people.) It is not uncommon to see families with four or (plenty) more children–I usually see ate least one, but often more, big vans (15 passenger or the like) in the grocery store parking lot.
That said, we don’t live in a vacuum and we are near to a big city where the family size is more in line with the American norm. I tend to be a stubborn type and I don’t get riled easily 😉 I have never really had anyone with the nerve to ask me about it, not in any rude way. But, when someone asks me how many kids I have, I like to answer, “just the five” or “five so far.”
KarenTrina says
I know this is an old post, but wanted to share this story: When I was pregnant with my 7th, I was not anticipating telling people. Family doesn’t live nearby, but friends at church would notice something if i didn’t make an announcement. But, I discovered the quickest way to get the word out. I ran into a friend from church in the waiting room of my OB. No need to tell anyone- word got around rather quickly. Gossip is funny that way. 🙁