I had part-time job. I liked it. When my baby got a bit older and my husband started traveling, that little job was the greatest source of anxiety and worry. It took away my peace and made me into the kind of mother I never wanted to be: frantic, weary (in all the wrong ways), and disorganized. So, I resigned. And now, I feel guilty! It's all self-imposed guilt, as my husband is completely supportive. But I feel guilty to be spending money I no longer contribute to, to putting all the financial burden on my husband's shoulders, to not being out in the community.
Thank you,
A Young Mom
We all need encouragement. We discover wonderful things about the meaning of life and then lose our insights, usually because it turns out to be hard to put them into practice. The need for an infant to have close contact with its mother; the irreplaceable value of an intact family; the beauty of home life; the possibility of living simply — these are all things that have been written about eloquently and embraced by… few. It quickly seems too hard to nurse a baby, give up a job that gets you out of the house and the chaos, understand the person your spouse is developing into, or live within a budget.
It's just all very hard!
The going gets tough… and the weak fold. What makes us weak? Not having encouragement from friends. When you have a friend, you can get through a lot.
I hope that we can provide the encouragement of that friend, if you don't happen to have one at the moment…
Ointment and perfumes rejoice the heart: and the good counsels of a friend are sweet to the soul. {Proverbs 27: 9}
I happen to think that it's never going to be a bad decision to make our homes places of peace and love, order and wonder. There is a responsibility that comes with making a family — to find a way, and it can be a fantastically unique way — to put it first. I happen to think that a family can't be a family without the wife and mother making the home. (Even when the mother dies, the home receives a special grace of preservation. But when she runs away, either physically or mentally, there's nothing left.)
I've had many a conversation about why it's the woman who makes the home (and the man who protects it, but that's another post), and that's something I want to write about, but for now I just want to point out that if the woman is nursing the baby, and another baby comes along (which is how it usually works, when left to itself), and the babies start to need to learn things in their own way and at their own pace, and not be rushed, and then they get older and need more learning, and there probably are more babies, this woman is uniquely qualified to be the manager of the home, and its angel.
It's a huge hardship with all that going on, for her to get money in paycheck form, but a joy for her to figure out how to use the money that there is, be it ever so little.
And for the husband, it's a privilege to earn the money, even when it doesn't seem to be enough, even though he might have to work two jobs to do it; because in return he gets a loving home — something he can't make on his own.
I hope you have noticed that I don't use the phrase “stay-at-home mom” and I don't reject the idea that a woman can contribute with a salary. There are lots of different people in the world. And it does happen that babies don't necessarily come at the tremendous pace expected. But the wife still has to make a home. It's her glory.
When the family is young, it seems like a doable thing for both to work at jobs. If there is a lot of support and many extra hands, I think it can be doable.
If not, I think it's not doable. Not by me, anyway!
Oh, maybe you can do it. Do what you want! I just want to say this: You won't notice the strain for a long time, sometimes. And by then it might be too late, because the early years are when you're honing your skills.
What are those skills? Among other things, and since you are talking about money — skills in managing the home!
Money is pretty practical. It's so practical it hurts, sometimes! When an entire economy is based on two people earning two livings — when houses, college, food, clothing, fuel, all are priced based on one person without any dependents or two people working their tails off — where does devoting yourself to home fit it? How do you actually make it work, financially?
A family can live on one modest income. I've done it and I've seen many do it. I know you can do it too, and I want to give you some thoughts on how.
First, read my post on Frugal for Beginners.
Dear Young Mom, I think it might help you if you could see the whole scope of what you are doing!
Make up your mind that by not working at a job you are freeing your husband to earn the money and rest in the knowledge that it will be well spent. Now you think you have it easy; you feel that you are getting a free ride. It's hard to describe to you what the family is like ten, fifteen, and twenty years after its beginnings. It's hard to explain the investment that you both are making right now…. So it's a case of making up your mind, even if you can't see how it will work out.
Read. Read about money management, read about the education of children, read about taking care of the home.
Learn to garden. Growing some of your own food pays off. A lot of grocery trips are for fresh items, and if you have them from your garden (and freezer, and pantry), you cut down on other expenses, because staying out of stores is key to not spending money!
Learn to make things. Putting up a shelf, sewing a skirt, knitting a sweater — now is the time to learn, while you have time!
Learn to get a bargain. Just make up your mind that you will not pay full price for anything unless you know for a fact you can't get it cheaper — meat, furniture, cars, clothing….Say no to paying full price. There are a few exceptions, but don't worry about it. Train yourself to resent the markup.
Learn to thrift. When you stay home, you have time. Time is on the side of the bargain-hunter. You might not have brand new spanking whatever it is right away, but you will have it, eventually, because someone will sell theirs on Craigslist or at a yard sale. You just have to wait. There is almost nothing you can't find if you are patient.
Learn to trash-pick. Keep your eye on the side of the road. People put stuff out because they know someone will pick it up. They usually aren't really wanting their grill or bed or shelves to end up in the trash, they just don't have the motivation to sell it and are happy that you are picking it up. Ask if you aren't sure.
Learn to plan your menus. My experience was that I saved one third of my grocery bill simply by planning my menus, without the added step of shopping sales and stockpiling pantry items. That's when I was already staying home. The savings will be even greater if you are comparing menu planning to tired-working-mom meals, the most expensive kind! I have a whole system mapped out for you over there on the sidebar —> My system is better than any other I've seen because you won't be making my menus, you'll be making your own.
Don't compare yourself to big spenders who indulge in consumer goods and have a high lifestyle. They have their priorities and you don't know what kind of debt they are in. Compare yourself, if compare you must, to committed pioneers of all ages who wanted freedom and faith for their families.
Consider yourself in training.
Sometimes you have to rise up above “what everyone thinks” and choose for yourself. Sometimes you know that what you are doing doesn't carry a dollar sign but has real value, even real monetary value. Sometimes you have to take the long view. Isn't that what women are all about? What we do is gestational in nature. We know that it takes nine months of hidden life to produce that squirming newborn. And we ought to know that in ten years our lives will be very different from the way they are now, different in a way that will demand so much from us that our husbands will only be grateful that we are home to deal with it all.
Dear Young Mom, the thrifty, managing wife does contribute to her husband's earnings! And the wise, ideal woman's contribution to the community can't be measured! The gift of bright, happy, sparkling children to the world is literally incalculable! The community itself is sustained by devoted marriages!
You just have to understand that it's a contribution that will take a lifetime to assess. Be patient and know that you have friends to back you up, even if you can't see them!
{Every picture in this post is of things I've thrifted, found for free in the trash or on the side of the road, been given, or, if it's new, got on clearance (in the case of pretty bowls and such that I can't resist). Yes, I found this sofa at a yard sale and had it reupholstered after many years of wearing out the original upholstery!}
Don't forget to join us tomorrow for {pretty, happy, funny, real}!
Camille says
I definitely consider spending our money wisely one of the main tenets of “contributing”. My husband always brags about the deals I find. I would encourage you to set aside a Saturday morning and go out to yard sales. I just went last weekend for the first time in months. I spent $15 and I came home with a back seat FULL of items we needed (mostly clothing) and a few items we didn't need (toys) just for fun. I felt so accomplished! I I was tired after a hard morning of hunting for deals. I usually just take a $20 bill with me, but even $10 will get you quite a lot!
Christina A says
I try to take ones and fives since it kind of hurts your haggling if you have to ask for change. 🙂 And of course in a bigger city, you might have to factor in gas costs and wear-and-tear on your vehicle.
Annie says
Lots of wisdom in this post…especially the part that points out that when the wife is at home managing things, it frees the husband to do what he needs to do to provide for the family. As our family grew, my husband was free to pursue his Masters degree while working full time and commuting 100 miles one way to his classes because I was home keeping everything going. In turn, that education brought more money to the family and helped the community by the contributions my husband makes as an educator in our school system and to the boards on which he serves. If I worked, he would never have been able to make those contributions.
As for feeling guilty about not working, my mother has been a housewife since she and Dad married in 1959 and still feels “funny” that she doesn't bring home a paycheck. But her feelings never compelled her to go back to work because she recognized the value of all she does.
Linda says
Wonderful post as usual Leila! I have been happily married since an early age and all these years I've been peacefully at home. Now my children are grown and married I still adore being keeper of my home. What a privilege to manage the workings of a home and devote myself to my darling hisband. (Just last night he told me how lucky he was to have me make his lunch for work. While his colleagues were rushing to McDonalds/ and Kentucky Fried because they'd forgotten to order at the tuckshop, he was able to relax and loved his healthy gourmet sandwiches, homemade cake and fruit.) I'm so grateful that we made the decision for me to invest my talents in our home. There's always so much to learn and enjoy. I love it.
priest's wife says
Auntie Leila said everything- make it a game how carefully you spend the FAMILY's money and how you help your husband succeed at work- it might sound very 50's, but his security and happiness at home will pay dividends at his work
MamabearJD says
When i was in school I said “I'm not working my butt off so that I can stay home all day and wipe noses.” Several years later as I held my sweet little baby, I cried to my husband that I couldn't bear the thought of paying anyone else to do it. I had to work out a part time deal at first and work from home, but it was horribly stressful and I was so happy when I went and cleaned out my office for good. Of all of the women in my professional circle, I am the only one who “gave up” her practice all together. It has made me a happier, more joyful woman to know that I am the heart of the home. I see how close my children are to me and to each other and I worry a little less about sending them into the world one day. I learned to grab the pursestrings and keep us fed and clothed on one income and incorporate that into the education of my kids. It took me some period of adjustment, though, as i no longer received that paycheck! I know how you feel, but it has been a joy and a privilege, it has strengthened my marriage. I hope this doesn't come across as preachy! I just wholeheartedly want to support women who choose to be at home, a vocation that is slowly regaining some respect in society. Leila, your post was perfect.
Kate R. says
I already starred this post and I haven't even read it yet : ) I know it will be good. You have a knack for zeroing in on what many of us are struggling with!
swanski says
Beautiful post! I have been fortunate to make a happy home for 24 years 🙂
Rachael says
We talked to a financial planner a while back, who's primary recommendation was for us to up the life insurance we had on ME, as a soon to be stay-at-home-mom. He said a stay-at-home-spouse was worth about $65,000 a year in the services they provided (I think that's comparing to hiring out everything). That's a significant income! Even if you don't bring in $$, you are still providing income (don't conflate $$ and income). Remember that when you are feeling discouraged and unvaluable.
Anne Marie says
I wish women hadn't been sold the lie that we're only worth as much as we bring in monetarily. Being home is such a blessing. I'm not even a mom yet (pregnant with our first right now), but I've been at home for 12 years now. I'm here to let the repairmen in (and our home has had a lot of repairs over the years!). I was able to nurse our sick cat in his last days. I've been able to train any new cats so they don't destroy the house while we're away. I save money by shopping for bargains. My husband is the envy of his coworkers with his home-cooked lunches (or he was before morning sickness made me avoid the kitchen). I have the time to indulge my love of all-things Martha Stewart, and I make many of the gifts we give. That's just a small smattering of the things of value I add to our household.
The rewards of being at home may not be monetary, but they are beautiful and valuable nonetheless.
margo says
Yes, I totally agree with you. Just totally. . . .but then the bad economy ripped my family a new one: I (a teacher) am employable and my husband (an architect) is not. It's been really really really hard. I keep telling myself this is a temporary situation, but my husband is pressuring me to make money because we do, hello, need the money. But our home life is so fragile right now because I am off making money and husband, bless him, is a man who doesn't know how to make a home. There's really not an end in sight – we try hard to trust God in this.
Jennifer says
I can relate to this… I have been home 17yrs. and my husband was (notice the past tense) an architect as well… when he was laid off, our 8th child was just 9 mons. old. Those next two years were SO hard…. my husband worked temp jobs, including one cleaning apartments! Talk about having your world turn upside down. Thankfully, he does have a steady job now as a project manager and building deputy at a local university, but it pays about $20,000 less than what he made before… our finances are a mess and become messier everyday….. I am a registered nurse, so it seemed logical when he lost his job for me to get a job, but I felt strongly that he needed to have the sense of being the breadwinner, even if it was a small amount of bread… I really agonized over it, and I think he did, too….somehow we did make it through that time, and God provided in amazing ways…. we never even applied for any government assistance, though I don't see anything wrong with that. Everytime we were going to do so ourselves, the Lord provided through other people….. Hang in there…. encourage your husband to find other ways to work… I can understand the fear he probably feels in getting out there, especially doing something different than what he is used to. I will say, when people found out that my husband had a “white collar' job and then went to doing “blue collar” work, he gained the respect of everyone he met, and that is ultimately how he ended up with the job he has now. As for me, I am still trying to figure out how to do a better job of managing the finances and see if there is some way to bring in some income without me having to leave home to do so. My youngest is now 4yo, but we homeschool and still have 6 kids at home. Hopefully, things will improve for you and for us. Blessings!
Carey says
Great post, I am so glad to hear someone supporting the choice to stay home. We live in such a materialistic society. Everyone works and feels pressured to have it all, but I always say at what cost. I think someday they will look back with regret. I was lucky to stay home for six years. I have gone back to work due to my husband not finding a full time job, but my heart is with my home. I hope someday to be able to return to it.
Lisa G. says
I hope this young woman is encouraged by all this kindness and support – this was a wonderful post!
Anitra says
I think I knew as a kid that being a full-time homemaker was a really hard job, and I didn't want to do it. My mother was a reluctant stay-at-home mom who would have much rather been working. I think the only homemaking skills I learned from her were laundry and dusting.
I chose to stay home when my maternity leave was up after my first child was born. Now I have two under 3, and nearly every day, I think how life would be easier if I just could just drop them at daycare and go off to work at a job… but I know I'm fooling myself. Someone still needs to feed and clothe the family and make sure the house is clean (or clean enough). No matter how much money we have or what else is going on, it still takes TIME to get a reasonably healthy meal on the table and TIME to do load after load of laundry.
Someday, I'll figure out how to balance that with giving my children the attention they need; right now it seems like I cram everything into naptime and late at night and have no time left for me.
Rosie says
This is lovely. I'd also like to say that GK Chesterton agrees in his book, “What's Wrong with the World.” H says, “” To put the matter shortly, woman is generally shut up in a house with a human being at the time when he asks all the questions that there are, and some that there aren't. It would be odd if she retained any of the narrowness of a specialist. Now if anyone says that this duty of general enlightenment (even when freed from modern rules and hours, and exercised more spontaneously by a more protected person) is in itself too exacting and oppressive, I can understand the view. I can only answer that our race has thought it worth while to cast this burden on women in order to keep common-sense in the world. But when people begin to talk about this domestic duty as not merely difficult but trivial and dreary, I simply give up the question.” (continued in next comment)
priest's wife says
rereading this post…I teach college part-time but you are so right…
and I just love your thrifting skills- I NEED that color block throw and the yellow skirt (pockets!) from a few days ago
_Leila says
priest's wife — the throw was made by my Grandma! and the yellow skirt was a great find, wasn't it? Bridget's doing, and she HATES thrift stores 😉
Rosie says
For I cannot with the utmost energy of imagination conceive what they mean. When domesticity, for instance, is called drudgery, all the difficulty arises from a double meaning in the word. If drudgery only means dreadfully hard work, I admit the woman drudges in the home, as a man might drudge at the Cathedral of Amiens or drudge behind a gun at Trafalgar. But if it means that the hard work is more heavy because it is trifling, colorless and of small import to the soul, then as I say, I give it up; I do not know what the words mean. To be Queen Elizabeth within a definite area, deciding sales, banquets, labors and holidays; to be Whiteley within a certain area, providing toys, boots, sheets, cakes and books, to be Aristotle within a certain area, teaching morals, manners, theology, and hygiene; I can understand how this might exhaust the mind, but I cannot imagine how it could narrow it. (continued below)
Rosie says
How can it be a large career to tell other people's children about the Rule of Three, and a small career to tell one's own children about the universe? How can it be broad to be the same thing to everyone, and narrow to be everything to someone? No; a woman's function is laborious, but because it is gigantic, not because it is minute. I will pity Mrs. Jones for the hugeness of her task; I will never pity her for its smallness.”
Sorry for the length; it all just seemed appropriate 🙂
Kathleen says
This is one of my favorite quotes of all time! Thank you for sharing the whole thing!
becky@oursweetpeas says
I agree with you and appreciate this post however I am somewhat surprised by the comment of “while you have time”. I feel like this “time” (twin 4 yr olds and a 9 month old) is QUITE BUSY. I can't imagine having the time to knit or comb various thrift stores. I just know for me, merely holding down the fort and doing what is important to me (educating my children, being in church, cooking meals, keeping a clean house) is A LOT. I don't see it as a time in my life that I “have the time”.
Alright, enough of that. I am excited to do Pretty Happy Funny Real tomorrow and I hope that sharing my opinion doesn't offend I guess I just wonder if there are others out there like me or am I the only one not growing veggies and quilting while raising babies. 😉
_Leila says
Becky, remember that this young lady has one 18 mo, and seems to be blessed with things going well, which does sometimes happen! You seem to have had baptism by fire 😉 (God knew not to send me twins — I am too wimpy!). She is not where you are. There is a window of opportunity when your first child is in a steady state, but let me tell you, in your first decade is the “developmental stage” for building your skills! It doesn't get easier!
Thanks for joining!
Melissa says
Thank you thank you thank you! This post is just the encouragement that I need. God bless you Auntie Leila!
Christie says
…”I just wonder if there are others out there like me or am I the only one not growing veggies and quilting while raising babies.”
Not growing veggies (or even herbs) and not quilting (or ANY craft of ANY sort). I am pregnant with number six, eldest is 11 yo. I worked until he was four and hated every minute of every day that I was away from my two babies. I can see how, even with two (or three), at a young age it is still a time of learning. Putting systems into place and finding the right rythem for the family. I missed so much of that and am now, twelve years into marriage, learning menu and budget planning. Not that having young children affords more “time” necessarily on a day-to-day basis but that the struggle of putting it all together isn't so monumental when you are cooking and shopping for small ones rather than an already large and getting larger family.
Going from two incomes to one is always the thing that everyone thinks will be the most difficult. Going from the mentality that everything can be bought (clean clothes, clean house, child care, convenient food etc.) to everything must be made or done by oneself is the most difficult, IMHO.
I LOVE being at home. I will NEVER work for a paycheck again (barring extreme circumstances) and I realize more every day all the skill development I never had while a young professional and working newly wed / young mom. It just wasn't on the radar as it should be for every young lady, no matter her vocation in life.
Thank you Auntie Leila, once again, for hitting the nail on the head.
I will learn to garden, can and quilt when I am rocking in my front porch rocker. Maybe. Until then I will enjoy read and forwarding the crafty posts to my crafty friends and count myself lucky if I can get the menu and budget under control! 🙂
Ann Marie says
Great post…great comments….
I would encourage the young mom to consider a few things…First, “this guilt is self-imposed” is a key phrase. I know this feeling and for me it was pride and nothing more. Examine your heart and lay it out before God…and prayerfully consider what his calling is for you. And then, if this guilt is truly paralyzing you then perhaps there is a way for you to contribute in a small way. Could you babysit a day or two a week? Bake some cookies or bread or cook a meal to sell to a busy mom? Could you teach music lessons or tutor a child? Clean someone's house? (and for sure, follow Auntie Leila's advice on thrifting) And read these points by John Piper from his Challenge to Women–the whole thing can be found here. (http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/articles/a-challenge-to-women)” target=”_blank”> http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/articles/a-challenge-to-women)” target=”_blank”>(http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/articles/a-challenge-to-women) (see next post)
Ann Marie says
(continued)
10.That, if you have children, you accept responsibility with your husband (or alone if necessary) to raise up children who hope in the triumph of God, sharing with him the teaching and discipline of the children, and giving to the children that special nurturing touch and care that you are uniquely fitted to give.
11.That you not assume that secular employment is a greater challenge or a better use of your life than the countless opportunities of service and witness in the home the neighborhood, the community, the church, and the world. That you not only pose the question: Career vs. full time mom? But that you ask as seriously: Full time career vs. freedom for ministry? That you ask: Which would be greater for the Kingdom— to be in the employ of someone telling you what to do to make his business prosper, or to be God's free agent dreaming your own dream about how your time and your home and your creativity could make God's business prosper? And that in all this you make your choices not on the basis of secular trends or yuppie lifestyle expectations, but on the basis of what will strengthen the family and advance the cause of Christ.
Heidi says
Staying at home is very counter-cultural and counter-intuitive in many ways. It is certainly not the easy way, for it is much easier to leave the tough bits of raising children to others. It is much harder, to use all your skills, and to develop the new ones you will need to raise children who are kind, forgiving, healthy, happy, and trusting. Day after day, you will have to face one of the most difficult of adversaries: yourself. all your faults, your complaints,etc, are mirrored back to you, and you must conquer yourself, along with being good example to your children. How often have I changed a habit, not because I wanted to for me, but for the poor result I saw it leading to in my children. Children can help us become less selfish, more generous, more spontaneous, more glad in living, but only if we take of our time, to share the living with them.
Ana says
Awesome passage, Rosie! Thank you for posting this; it is wonderful insight into a question that has played around the corners of my mind these past years as I begin my own “training.” It is good to get some long term perspective!
Robin says
I second and third and 59th this post.
If I may be so bold as to add: another value you add by staying home is margin. Instead of working full or part time, and cramming all of the chores (laundry, bathroom cleaning, etc.) into your weekends, they happen seamlessly throughout the day/week, leaving you time with your family and husband at night and on the weekends.
Susan (DE) says
Everyone has already said ALMOST everything I have to say. Mostly: being home is VERY counter-cultural in today's world. But it is worthwhile! And hard! And you can SAVE a HUGE amount of money.
But the thing I don't THINK I've seen is this: My husband (I have not brought in any paycheck in more than 30 years of marriage) has REPEATEDLY and PASSIONATELY said that it is really good for HIM to be the one to bring in the money. In the many years when the income was VERY small, that was okay. He knew he was being the man and the provider and he said that was worth everything. He believes it's a natural part of a man's nature to WANT to be the provider. I'm not sure all men want this, but he believes it's the thing a man would naturally want if not “changed” by the way the world does things, or fear, (or in some cases we have seen, what appears to be greed — we need our second vacation home).
So sometimes it just takes TIME to adjust to a complete change in viewpoint. It's understandable if such a total shift makes you feel “funny” or “guilty” or something for a while.
_Leila says
Susan, as usual you are spot on. This is the point to be teased out, once you see how you, the woman, have your gifts — that the man's gift is to be free to be the provider, and that if he isn't a rich man in the eyes of the world — even if he's a “failure” — in the eyes of his family — his wife — he's a hero and a good man.
The world sees one way, we must have the courage to see another way.
Stephanie says
Thank you, I needed this post 🙂
Ginger says
So wonderful, and you are so right on target.
The scripture is Proverbs 27:9. I love that verse as I have two earnest counselors that have saved me from my sinfulness too many times to count.
_Leila says
Ginger — whoops, slip of the keyboard! Thanks, I fixed it!
Rabbit says
(I hope that my post can be taken “as is,” and not an attack or a criticism. I'm just sharing, here.)
While I agree with this post, on “paper,” it is VERY hard to achieve it in real life. Even when you set aside materialism. I can't be the only one experiencing this–who would LOVE to be a homemaker/someday mom!
My husband only makes $32K a year, GROSS (obviously less after taxes & health insurance, which we don't know how much would be since he's on my plan). In Southern New England (we live less than 2 hrs from NYC, so you can figure out where exactly, if you know geography). You can't own a home on that money; we do but because I work. When we rented, we paid $1000/month for a 2 bedroom condo/townhouse–it was SUPER tiny, and not in a walkable area. That would have eaten up half of his take home pay if I didn't work. And it's just the two of us, still. Partly because of this lovely thing called money.
We do all of the “frugal” things–cook at home, shop the sales, do things ourselves around our house (including a vegetable garden!), don't buy more than we need. Most of our furniture was free hand-me-downs or scored at tag sales. My job just changed the summer dress code. I have TWO pairs of pants and ONE skirt that are now acceptable, but I will make do, even if I have to wear “winter” pants on the hottest days. We haven't gone on a vacation, or even a day trip, since our honeymoon.
Get a second job, you might say? Easier said than done when he works 40 mins from home, and is on a weird schedule where some days he works 9-5 and other days 12-8. Plus, his job is stressful that it has made him physically (and probably emotionally) ill. My job is “easy” enough that I don't bring any of it home (in any way) and am able to be the part-time homemaker. For now.
I just found out a little while ago that he might be laid off very soon. Good thing I do work. We've been through one layoff already, very early in our marriage. It was horrible when he wasn't able to find a job for A YEAR AND A HALF. Thank GOD I was working, as unemployment alone would not have carried us.
The saddest part? He's very well educated–he has a master's degree! Not everyone's husband has a well paying job or even a secure one. Not everyone has family to whom they are close, emotionally or geographically, to rely on for additional support. So often times, women DO have to work to care for those babies that they love so much. Because there ISN'T any other way.
Every day I worry about my marriage and family life, because I work. And every day I pray for grace to be a good wife, a good homemaker, a good mother (someday), and a good employee. I will have to wear all of these hats, and want to do them all well without endangering someone or something. I hope you'll pray for those of us who have no choice and give support those who you know in real life. I would LOVE to be in your shoes; maybe someday I will have that choice.
priest's wife says
It's not easy—because I think what Leila is saying is that even if you as the woman work and he is helping about the house (either with 'women's' tasks like doing dishes or 'men's' tasks like mechanics or hard outdoor work- you are the woman who makes the house a home even if he loses his job and he takes over household duties- I'm not sure if I am making sense
Rabbit says
YES! That makes PERFECT sense. When he was laid off before, the house was still…um, interesting? And I had to do things at night and on the weekends. I don't know if anyone's heard of “man clean?” Well, let me just say that “man clean” might work for a few days, but then the woman has to take over and touch up! There IS something about a woman's touch, even if it's not just cleaning. It is hard to explain, I think…. Maybe it's the little details that a man wouldn't care about until they're gone? lol
[Man clean to my husband is when he cleans the bathroom, but all he does is scrub inside the toilet bowl & the seat, wipes out the sinks, and maybe the tub. He doesn't realize you need to wash the OUTSIDE of the toilet bowl (no one has THAT good of an aim), clean the mirrors AND the counters, and really scour the tub!]
Also, if anyone reads this, he will definitely be getting laid off. Please pray for us.
Ann Marie says
Rabbit…I'm sorry that you are facing another layoff, and will pray for grace for you and a better job soon for your hubby. I worked for 15 yrs before my little one arrived…we made relatively little comparatively speaking, but we lived below our means and that has certainly helped since I quit work when my -now-2 yr-old was born. B/c I worked, my husband was able to leave a job that he hated and he kept a wonderful house while I supported him on my less-than-20k-per-yr for a few months….and we never dipped into savings once. (but I digress) . All that tosay, if you are able and make the choice to stay home someday….you may be more prepared than most since you are already sacrificing….Best to you…
_Leila says
Rabbit, I never said it was easy!
You must realize that in this post I am answering this lady's question. It's a bit unreasonable to expect a blog post to cover every possible experience that every reader is bringing to it! She wrote to me, you didn't! So I answered her in her situation. I expect all the other readers to take from it what meager insight they can find and move along.
People make choices and their choices are based on their priorities, spoken or unspoken. Where you live, what job you have, how far you commute, what house to own or if to own at all, whether to welcome children or not. Everyone always has a choice. It's the criteria with which you make your choices that you must examine.
For most of our life and the lives of our friends (and we are blessed to have friends just as committed as we are), our priorities have meant living in what others would call poverty (which I hasten to say is absurd), with no amenities, relying on God's providence. One family close to us is expecting their eighth child and still rents, with no ownership in sight, as they live on a modest public servant's salary. Their priority is to welcome children, and their home is clean and happy. Another with ten children (one of whom has a serious illness) lives in what would be described in an ad as a two-bedroom house (they've reclaimed the tiny attic) — in a very high cost area. They love each other and are a great example to their community — I know many people who admire them and seek their approval!
Another family with five children bought a house their friends feared would fall down the hill! But they made it work. His job is far from secure. At age 58 he's in the same place most guys in their 20s are, career-security-wise. It takes its toll on him, I'm sure. But the most important thing for him was that his children grow up in a certain place surrounded by certain people. Everything else is secondary to him.
I purposely excluded high income, family-supported situations from my discussion because I wanted to point out the cost — the real cost, as I know from when MY husband was unemployed for 18 months and we barely cleared $20,000 that year — with 6 kids! — of making HOME your priority is worth it when the determination is there. But in my 31 years of marriage I notice that the people with the highest anxiety level are often the richest ones I know — like the investment banker I met, living in a million-dollar home who worried about his ability to support his 2 children!
Now, having said that, I also made the point that *I* never use the term “stay-at-home-mom” because history shows that women have worked hard alongside their husbands in the fields and have done their share to keep the bacon on the table. Yet, even those hardy pioneer women relied on their husbands to do the work necessary for them, the women, to be safe bearing and nurturing the children. It comes down to that. How does today's woman give her husband that same kind of acknowledgement? The wife of the guy I mentioned above teaches a class at a school and cleans a neighbor's house for extra money, but her center is at HOME, and she structures every day to make that her priority. Home is her center and she never lets her husband feel that he hasn't given her a home!
The term SAHM is poor shorthand for what I prefer to express more deeply: that home is more important than young moms and dads today realize — not for the laundry or even the food — but for the love and shelter of the *persons* who take refuge there. It's worth moving for, it's worth taking a different job for, it's worth finding a different house for, it's worth doing without for. And as you think, “poor me!” — thank your husband for being a good provider!
I'm sorry your husband is getting laid off. Maybe that's an opportunity for you — I know that when my husband was in a similar spot it was for us. I claim the privilege of age to say that! Believe me, far from being comfortable in my “shoes” as you call them, nothing moves me more than the sight of young families struggling. This is my message: Struggle you will, struggle you must. Make sure it's for what you really want. My prayers are with you!
Rabbit says
Thanks for your comment back! I honestly didn't want to create any drama, so I hope that I haven't started anything. I know that she wrote to you; the only reason I commented was because all of the comments were in support of what she chose to do. That was hard to see, when it often feels like women are vilified when they have to work. And if vilified is an over-statement, then there's a lack of support. At least from what I've seen/experienced, I could be alone in this.
I hope I didn't come off as “feel sorry for me” because that's not how I feel. All I want is for women/moms to respect each other for doing what they do, as long as it's truly in the best interest of the family. And I would hope that no one who remains in the home most of the time (not using SAHM 😀 ) would look down upon those who, for whatever reason, need to leave the home and bring in income. I know many women who work out of the home look down at those who remain in the home–I honestly believe it's out of jealousy. It has been for me. I will say that my favorite place is my home and I make every attempt to be a homemaker when I'm there. For now, that's the best I can do.
At the risk of using this box as my own blog (got one of those already!) and get too wordy, I'll end here. Maybe I just chose the wrong post to reply to, and if I did, I'm sorry. Thanks for writing what you do!
Linny says
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I've been struggling with this decision for some time. With a toddler and a little one on the way, my husband and I have been feeling like the way things have been just can't be what God wants for us. We know the right thing to do is believe, to just have faith. But a little encouragement sure helps.
vivianclare says
As an empty-nester Mom who mostly did not work, I'd like to point out that having the majority of women in the workforce creates uncalculated costs for our current society, in the form of demands that government provide all sorts of things which used to be taken care of through family life instead. Women did a lot of volunteer work which now must be done for pay, and creates demands for the expansion of the welfare state, which, in turn, ends up inflating the money supply, and the end result is a reduction of your buying power with the existing dollars you have. Day care is a cost, added to the cost of teenage pregnancies, the quantity of drug abuse and subsequent loss of otherwise productive members of society, the cost of divorces due to undernourished marriages, counseling costs, antidepressant costs, etc. all of these could fairly be blamed in part on the fact that most women now work full time. For most women it is not a choice, and that's a tremendous shame. Very little honest dialogue exists about the full cost of this to society.
Michelle says
Thank you for this beautiful post! What a great reminder that I truely needed to hear! I left the workforce to be home with my children 6 years ago, and I still struggle with guilt about not working, even though in my heart I know it's the best thing for my kids, my family, and myself.
Linda says
Lady Lydia from Homeliving Helper blog has written an article titled, “Should Christian Husbands Ask Their Wives To Go To Work?” Wed April 27, 2011. The comments are worth reading too and are a great encouragement to women 'keeping their homes'.
Linda says
My heart goes out to dear Rabbit!! What a situation.
If most married women didn't work outside the home, there would be plenty of jobs for husbands .Lovely ladies like Rabbit wouldn't find themselves in such a difficult predicament, wanting to be home fulltime but feeling they don't have the choice. Very sad.
Sue says
Oh, Leila, you are wonderful. I've been a bit overwhelmed by 2 kids, (Henry's been a nightmare since Lauren was born, 3 months ago today, though he is starting to come back to us. I've missed my lovely boy, and been short on patience about having to apologise for him all over the place, every time we're out.) and haven't stopped by in ages. Wow, I should have- your voice just reminds me that it will all be okay. That I will make it okay and accept it all and love it, even.
Deep breaths.
Thanks.
_Leila says
Sue, it's good to hear from you! Henry is a dear 🙂 I wish I could see that little sweetheart…
Emma says
How can I convince my husband to let me be a non-working mom, when I have proved to be not-so-great at housekeeping and better skilled at my outside work, before we had the baby? I am highly qualified, but loathe to give up my life as a mother at home now. Also the husband dislikes women who sit idle at home (in his view) despite being well educated. What can be done to convince him?
Jovita says
I just found your blog. I love it. Thank you.
ChrisM says
This post was very thorough and encouraging in so many ways, as were the comments, especially the one quoting Chesterton. Making a home is tremendously difficult and hugely rewarding and it is so true that you can't discern the paycheck for years or decades in many ways. And women are the ones uniquely equipped and chosen for the task. Working for others at the same time on top of the challenges of homemaking and training children and learning frugality, tends to rob the fun and joy out of the rewarding moments because of the weariness that comes from being over extended, as the woman in the question answered by the post illustrates. So we must encourage ourselves about the grandeur of our task, as you have done so well here.
Lydia Sherman says
May I put this post on my blog as a post?
Rosie says
Lydia, please don’t post the whole thing as your own, but feel free to quote an excerpt and link to our post here! Thanks!
Kate Templeton says
Auntie Leila, this post was so encouraging to me (even five years after it was written). I just saw it and I’ve been following your site since Christmastide when a good friend showed me the treasure trove that is here. I am 32, converting to Catholicism, have been married for 10 months and expecting our first child in July. I’m currently working full-time, but we’ve decided that I will stay home once the baby comes. I could go on and on, but let me just say I’ve definitely had anxiety and doubt with this decision, but in my heart of hearts I know it is right. Thank you for the encouragement. I don’t have many examples of simple/frugal living in my life, so even knowing you guys are there, somewhere, doing the same thing is encouraging. Thank you, sisters.