{May I encourage you to read my boy post as well? Both these posts have something for mothers of either sex.}
Bridget, age 12 |
When dear Carlyn asked me that question about 13-year-old boys, I had to laugh, because it reminded me of when my two eldest were so little. I was visiting a friend whom I admired for embracing her large family with a can-do attitude. When I met her she was having twins, her sixth and seventh children; and far from feeling oppressed, wearied, or confused, she took it all in stride. She had so much experience! Her eldest child was thirteen, a boy.
Imagine my surprise, then, when one day she casually exclaimed, “Ugh, I just hate [name hidden to protect the innocent]!”
How shocked I was…he seemed a perfectly nice boy, and she really was a good mother. She was laughing, but how could one say such a thing about one's very own son! I clutched my precious baby Rosie protectively to my bosom, looked at my little Nick, the cutest 2-year-old on the face of the earth, and thought to myself, “Well, I would never say such a thing about my sweet boy.”
{By the way, with hindsight I know I bugged her mercilessly with my hungry presence, because I was so needy and yet so opinionated. She was a very kind person.}
You know how that turned out. The day I found myself saying, “Ugh, I just hate –” I clapped my hand over my mouth! I realized that yes, indeed, my darling had just turned thirteen. And sure enough, one year later, my cheerful buoyant son was restored to me.
I'm still amused as I often console a friend whose son is approaching his thirteenth birthday! Of course, it isn't always so drastic, and maybe the age varies a bit…but not much! That's why I knew I had to write that post, even though it was hard to compress the ideas, and of course, I left out many things.
Now, with girls, it's a little different. I put that title up there because truly, the year she turns 12 is the worst one most challenging. But to be honest, the equivalent in girls' development would have to be stated thus:
From the age of about 10 1/2 to approximately 51, she is going to make you crazy.
Since, presumably, you are also between the ages of 10 1/2 and 51 (I know I am), you see the problem.
Bridget and I (see me there?), between the ages of 10 1/2 and 51. |
I think we women can relate to the hormonal issues that a girl is facing. What is hard for us is to separate our own difficulties from our daughter's, and to assimilate that she is facing them when she still seems like she should be a little girl.
I want to remind you, just as I did with the boy post, that all this isn't just about physical changes and the drastic amounts of energy, physical and mental, that they require.
It's also about this child, whose task up until now has primarily been assimilating the sheer facts of the world around her, developing her inner self. She has an adulthood to rise to, and that work starts right now, in the body of this child, in her soul.
Suddenly now she must find out who she is…
Some thoughts:
1. Worship, eat, sleep, learn, and work.
I'm bundling these together because they are covered in the boys' post pretty well.
Renew your commitment to Sundays. Don't let “attitude” take away your delight in the Lord's Day.
Just as with boys, and for that matter, babies and toddlers learning to speak and 8-year-olds hiking up hills: more sleep, more and higher quality food.
Don't fret if your daughter is not thin. If — if — your food is homemade and wholesome and you are careful to have her eat at mealtimes, you have nothing to worry about. Most girls are a bit chubby in this period between childhood and womanhood, something that our society doesn't acknowledge, with its weird obsessions. (For some reason we have been receiving Vogue magazine, I think as some kind of promotion. I've noticed that 99% of it is photos of emaciated, almost deformedly elongated women, and of the 1% devoted to text, about 90% of that references eating disorders. Well, yes.)
Some girls are and some aren't a little pudgy. If you adjust for today's processed food, I think you'll find that pudginess is mainly genetic and biologically keyed into hormonal changes. If they are going to be rather tall, they do tend to be oddly shaped for a while, because a lot of stuff gets compressed into their bodies before their growth spurt. By the time they are done with puberty they thin out — again, if they eat well and are active.
Work is important — Mom is often happy to have a girl around to chitchat with, but that girl should shoulder real work around the house and a paying job if one is available. Have a care for her safety. For a babysitting daughter, a partying Dad isn't always the best person to bring her home at night…don't let her be alone life guarding at a lake if your warning bells are going off…don't let her waitress somewhere where she'll be subjected to disrespect.
2. Treat her as younger and older.
It's a hackneyed truth about adolescents that they want to be treated as children one moment and as adults the next. What the hackneyed-truth-purveyors don't tell you is this:
Act, don't react, by anticipating that she will need a warm hug, just as if she were seven again; and that at another time she needs to be given a responsibility and the trust to make a mess or success of whatever it is herself.
When the explosions come (see below, #6), don't lose your peace and don't lose your sense of humor. Kids this age don't expect you to bring them in on the joke, because for as long as they can remember the joke's sort of been on them. The sooner you start sharing your laughter with them, the better. It's a rocky road, otherwise.
3. Hygiene and exercise.
It's important for a girl to be active, although team sports may not be her thing, sometimes because of the extreme self-consciousness that some girls experience. Still, hiking, swimming, and running with siblings are always good!
But where you simply have to remind your son to take a shower and put on clean clothes afterwards (*eyeroll*), with your daughter, hygiene is a little more involved. Help her resist too many demands on bathroom/mirror time. If the hairstyle is complicated and the clothes are complicated and the hormones are wrong, there is just too much time needed to fix all this. Help her simplify. I've noticed that at this age my daughters actually welcomed a cute shortish haircut and quick solutions like leggings*.
*Leggings under her skirt, tunic, or jumper, obviously — leggings aren't pants! It's not easy to find comfortable pants that aren't skin-tight, but it's worth it to rescue her from always feeling just a little exposed.
Her comfort level will be elevated by not having hair in the face or otherwise demanding a certain immobility of head or features to maintain, just as with boys. How emotionally crippling some styles are!
Mind that she keeps her fingernails short and unlacquered. You can just do more without nail polish, and who knows what dirt lurks beneath that sparkly blue coat. My Egyptian aunties used to say, “She looked like the cat that ate her kittens!” — referring to the dark red nail polish and lipstick then fashionable. You can be sure it affected my urge to wear those colors negatively to hear that! Now girls look like they ate their kittens and then died of gangrene …
A big help to me, and I discovered it almost too late (well, in time for Bridget), is the older version of this book, The Care and Keeping of You*.
I like it because it hews closely to its stated purpose, without venturing into uncongenial introductions of sensitive topics. It really is about hygiene and hormonal changes. In one section, it mentions church among places your daughter might go! I found that amazingly refreshing in a book with a wide intended audience. I wish I knew one like it for boys, and if anyone does, please let me know!
*I see that this book has been re-issued in an “updated” version, and I cannot speak to any changes that might have been made. (Edited to say: the changes are terrible — only buy the older version!) As with any book of this kind, always read it yourself before you give it to your child.
4. Taking care of others is a womanly art.
Where boys, left to themselves, will talk about cars, sports, or some other topic of interest to themselves, girls will tend to focus on relationships and their feelings. This can quickly deteriorate to the most unpleasant clique-ish behavior imaginable, and actually, I'm sure you have memories of being on the receiving end, if not perpetrating, this kind of thing.
Our girls need to be taught at this age to be kind to others, to choose good friends, and to be a good friend. Now is the time to share things you've learned along the way. Your daughter wants to hear that she can change and someone she thinks she doesn't like could change. Since it's hard to be friends with someone you've spoken ill of, as well as wrong, it's a good reason to refrain. It's hard to convince those who are your friends that you will defend them if your conversation consists of always tearing others down. And this sort of conversation is truly the hallmark of the insecure. To be less insecure, she must act less insecure!
Everyone needs to vent or to talk things over with someone. That's what parents are for. Let her know she can tell you what's bothering her, and do be understanding. Listen closely, just as you would to your best friend. Sometimes you have to agree — yes, that girl was mean, or what she said was, but encourage her to leave critiques of other girls out of her conversations with her friends. Even if talking about something that happened is inevitable — I mean, sometimes it just is, and we would appear strange if we never acknowledged the obvious — let her learn to excuse the person's behavior somehow and put the best interpretation on it.
Her self-consciousness is best overcome with real efforts to be generous and open to girls who might seem uncomfortable, shy, or, indeed, self-conscious! Learning to see that others have the exact same feelings we do is a big step to graceful womanhood. How many times have you been in a group of women — or, on its outskirts, to be more exact — and experienced a lack of kindness? That behavior started right here in puberty. For some reason, boys don't seem to suffer the way girls do with this. Let's have our girls be the ones to overcome this defect, starting now.
5. Demand good everyday manners.
Because our Satan-possessed misguided culture glorifies bratty children (last time I looked in the toy store — I was trying to find some cute Polly Pockets, but they are no more — the only dolls available to pre-teens are literally called Bratz), and because we are a bit unsure ourselves about what manners are, our girls will often sass us, say mean things, and generally fail to please.
If you take away one idea from this whole discussion, it's that we can give ourselves breathing space to solve a lot of issues if we just keep working on treating each other respectfully.
Look at it this way:
If there is some deep-seated problem and the family culture is to snap, backbite, mock, and be rude (or to allow all that from some terrorizing members who might be hormonally challenged), then even if you address that problem, you still have the culture.
Whereas if you insist on at least the minimum owed to a stranger — looking up, saying please and thank you, smiling once in a while, and answering audibly and with respect a question put to you, those habits make it possible to recover your happy home when the dragons are slayed.
6. This time is also your developmental stage; don't be surprised if it isn't comfortable.
You are entering a new phase of your own life when your children start becoming adults. It's comparable to when they stopped being babies and could run around and “do it by myself.” You matured then too, as you realized how much more was going to be asked of you!
You are now going to learn so much about yourself, about how moody you are, about how self-conscious you are, about the long view — longanimity — and how hard it is to trust….
The difference between and boy and a girl at this age is this: Where a boy tends to mumble and disappear, a girl develops an amazing capacity to take any small issue and suddenly explode over it!
Things seem so impossible. Life is so horrible.
And unlike her brothers, she will make you feel it all as your fault.
It's good to know that if the family does their best to help her with the goals that seem realistic or, at least, truly important to her, when the dust settles in about 18 months she will be more at peace. That seems like a long time, I know, but there it is. Whether it's finding clothes she likes and you approve of or figuring out how to become an actress, let her know you are on her side even when it seems you are making life difficult.
Encourage her by showing that you are praying to find ways to meet her needs and desires. Especially when the large, busy, and impecunious family comes up against the vast dreamscape of the blossoming pubescent spirit, hope must be preserved! She must know that we are trying our best to help her achieve her aspirations, even if we think that in a few months she'll be onto something else. Maybe so, but let's not be gloomy and know-it-all about it.
Don't seek affirmation from her, but affirm her with your steady hand.
Are you the arguing type or the folding type?
Whichever you are, you have to work hard to do the opposite.
I am the arguing type, for sure. When offered the sliver of an opportunity, I will go to the mat. I had to learn that my daughter can obey or she can take the issue up with her father. If what I said was unreasonable (usually because I slipped and acted like she was 8), I have to apologize and amend.
But if it's reasonable — let's say I told her to put on her coat, or to process the laundry, or to take out her Latin book, or that she couldn't go somewhere with friends — then I have to just wait for her to obey without starting the air-raid sirens.
If you are the folding type, you have to stand your ground. Courage comes from knowing that you are doing what is best for someone you love!
Once again, this is where your husband is your best ally. If you know you tend to do anything to avoid a confrontation, just refer the whole thing to him. Soon she will learn that she prefers to respect you than to bother him.
If you treat your daughter fairly, don't lose your perspective on your standards and goals, and admit to her that you find all this development painful as well, you will emerge from this as friends. Friends who sometimes cry together, but very good friends.
Joanie says
Leila, not only are you entertaining with your fun gift with words, but you care enough to pass on your wisdom as well. Thank you!
P.S. I am still laughing out loud at your description “hormonally challenged terrorizing members!” Oh, that is the good stuff. I may have even been a part of that group on occasion!
Heather says
Oh, wow. What beautiful advice.
Thank you.
Sarah says
This is such a well-timed post for me. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Mrs.B says
Great post! I LOVE that book…I bought it for my girl when she was 9! We've been reading it and discussing it for years…she is now 12!
Lori in PA says
Very, very good. I especially like the thought about the arguing/folding types and trying to do the opposite. I am the mom of an almost 23 year-old lady, and I look back with something like awe at how we got through those early teen years intact. And she was a great girl with a strong foundation. I shudder for parents (and I do not in any way mean this condescendingly) who wade into the teen years without a solid decade of stable relationship and well-defined roles behind them. We must invest the time and effort — all that fainting not while we sow stuff, yes?
coffeemamma says
The Boy's Body Book!
http://www.amazon.com/Boys-Body-Book-Everything-G…
Ignore what the write-up says about it containing anything about sex- it doesn't.
Katie says
I wanted to leave a comment since this is an older postnd im sure others are using it for reference. I’ve been looking for copies of this book, but it’s now on the 5th edition which was authored by an “ex-nun, non-binary nerd nurse” (per the author description on amazon). Just a caution to double-check which edition you’re buying! 🙂
Leila says
Thanks, Katie — I had added a warning but I just went back and made it stronger.
kathryn says
With the boy post I was nodding my head in agreement on so many things. I also appreciated the feeling of 'so glad I'm not the only one who sees it this way' to fortify my quest to raise up good men.
I have only 1 little girl out of 9 children and while she is still so very young and I'm enjoying every second of her, I am a bit worried about the next stage and am so very grateful to you for posting this – its a wonderful guide and it has given me lots of food for thought – thank you again!
Tamara says
I have a very spirited, very young daughter (she's 2! 🙂 ) And I was taking in every bit of advice… so much of it applies already! And I can only imagine what life will be like in 10 more years…
Kimberly says
Our home is undergoing an exciting time!!! One Momma in her late 40's; three girls ages 22, 12 and just 10 {she's the current bright spot as she's not quite there yet with the horomones} and twin teenage boys! If my husband survives us it'll be a miracle! Thanks Auntie Leila for your insight, and letting us know that our homes are “normal”!!!
MamaHen says
Again, you told me right what I needed to hear! Abbie is about to turn 10 so these are good things to know!
SandiH says
Enjoyed reading this a lot! My boys are 18 and 15, past most of the goofiness, but my daughter is 11, and just at the very beginning of her changes. We have that book for her, and I love it, too. The one I used with my boys is “Lintball Leo's Not-So-Stupid Questions About Your Body” by Walt Larimore. http://www.zondervan.com/Cultures/en-US/Product/P…
Glenda Childers says
Love this post. My 12 year old girls are now 29 and 25 and they are a delight. It is worth it, moms! Do the hard stuff, Leila mentions.
Fondly,
Glenda
Camille says
Thank you so much for this. I have an 11.5 year old step-daughter. Our situation is amplified just by the fact that her parents are divorced — and I just feel awful that she is in that situation! Up until a year ago, she never gave us one small iota of trouble. Then, last summer at the age of 10.5, she decided she wanted nothing to do with her Daddy and refused to come see him. We had to make the very difficult decision to pursue the matter in court (and we won, praise God!) because we felt a relationship with her Dad is more important than her desire to spend the summer with her friends. The past year has been a turbulent one and we just stare at each other wondering what in the world to do! When she is here with us, she is still (mostly) the sweet girl we know, but when she is not with us…. oh my! I ordered the book to tuck in her Easter basket (she actually started her period last summer when she was with us so I hope I'm not to late!). I'll be sure to share your post with my husband lest his heart be broken by a pre-teen who just needs him to love her.
Mary says
All good advice. I continue to treasure my teen girls and have found them such a joy to me and the whole family. I hate to think they will ever leave and have lives of their own. But I will try to accept it graciously.
Kate says
Very timely, since my 15yo had a huge yelling/slamming doors/ sobbing meltdown last night. My husband is better at the heart-to-heart talks than reserved me, so he began the post counseling session, with me coming in later. During our talk, she revealed that she feels unhappy most of the time, can't focus on her school work, and really wants a close friend (there are a few homeschool girls her age we know, but we have a pathetically inactive homeschool group and she hasn't clicked with any of the girls in the brief time she sees them after mass). Her problems are compounded by her melancholy temperment. My husband's theory that is that there is a reason for the phrase “Sweet 16” – it's such a welcome change to what went before. I can only hope.
Amy says
I should print this and the 13 year old boy post out for later. My kids are only 3 and 2 so I have time. Only I will have a 13 year old boy at the same time I have a 12 year old daughter and her twin brother (my older son is 10 1/2 months older than my girl/boy twins).
Serena says
For some reason I can't see the highly recommended book for girl's hygiene… can you list the title for me? With strong willed 5 and 3 yr old girls I have already seen the writing on the walls and am printing out this post for my husband and I to review as needed for the next 10+ yrs. THANK YOU!!
_Leila says
Serena, it's called The Care and Keeping of You. It's an American Girl Library book.
Charlotte says
Just EXACTLY what I needed today. My daughter is 121/2 and I thought-oh this is a breeze until about 2 weeks ago and it is full force. So thanks for post.
Pippajo says
So very well put. Redheaded Snippet is almost 16 and The Viking and I agree that, so far, the year between ages 10 and 11 was the worst! She has already mellowed a lot and is, for the most part, a level-headed and cheerful young lady.
If I may make a request, I would like to know how the issue of dating has been handled in your household. This is one area we feel like we're kind of making up as we go along and I always love hearing from other parents who have raised teenagers with a purity as a priority.
Hanna says
I'm no authority of any kind, having only two sons and not to that age yet, but I am in close fellowship with several families that have very successfully navigated these waters of 'dating'. Though I don't know each specific philosophy, I do know that they have cited and recommended a Joshua Harris book, “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”. There are two other books by the same author that also look like a good read for Mom and Dad first, which are “Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship” and “Sex Is Not the Problem (Lust Is): Sexual Purity in a Lust-Saturated World”. Another book I have read most of and thought a very good look at the real issues involved is “Passion and Purity: Learning to Bring Your Love Life Under Christ's Control” by Elizabeth Elliot.
Praying we all are granted wisdom as we seek after it, and that we may strive, one and all, for multi-generational faithfulness.
Blessings (and I hope I wasn't butting in on your comment),
Hanna
sibyl says
Just to say that I really needed that bit about not reacting, but being the adult. We've got an extremely verbal, lippy, it's-all-your-fault 14-year-old, and I have found myself acting like the irritated older sister rather than the mom.
Yes, she has ACTUALLY said that I am ruining her life. I love that. It's the passing of the torch down the generations!
Kendra says
The timing of this fabulous post could not be better. Last night our almost-12-year-old daughter cried when her brother said he wanted to make the pancakes for dinner because she got to make them last time. I mean, just dissolved into tears right there in the kitchen O_O
Liberty says
Just this morning my daughter rolled her eyes at me for no apparant reason as she was getting out of the car to go to school and I thought, “Oh boy we're entering a new phase.” This heartfelt advice helps me feel more prepared. Thank you!
Barbara says
Another great post, Leila! My only daughter is nine now — the youngest with three brothers 14 to 21. I can see “the air-raid sirens” in the future, and I appreciate your great advice. Won't you write a book for us, dear lady?
Robin says
Thank you for this, it is so timely! I know your advice is spot-on…just convince me (today) not to wrap my 13 yo girl up Very Tightly and ship her off to you!!!
I think I'm going to take a walk.
Jacqueline B. says
Thank you, dear heart! That is just the kind of practical help I was
asking for…and which I seem incapable of figuring out on my own
at times. Thank you for the help and perspective. Much appreciated!
Nina says
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. Please don't ever stop being a Titus 2 woman for all of us. (And I am a mother of 9! Believe me, I need you more than ever.)
XOXOXOXO
Cheryl says
Love your thoughts! May I recommend “The Boys Body Book” which was written specifically to be a counterpart to “The Care and Keeping of You”. Sonlight sells it as part of their curriculum, or it is also on Amazon.
http://www.amazon.com/Boys-Body-Book-Everything-G…
nt12many says
I find myself continually marveling as I read through your posts on relationships. You are a wise woman. Your advice about insisting on basic, decent courtesy and manners in our families should be written on every readers doorposts! A hormonal daughter who has been taught to look her mother in the eye and to talk with a modicum of politeness is much easier to communicate with than a hormonal daughter who is allowed to stomp, swear and slam at her family!
Our fourth child is seventeen and has always been artistic and more emotional than the rest of the clan. Recently she performed her own dramatic interpretation of The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom. Our daughter had found old audio tapes of Corrie, studied her accent and competed in the National Christian Forensics Communication Association competition and qualified for regionals.
As I watched Hannah perform her beautiful and moving short drama I cried (along with everyone else) and I was reminded that this daughter of mine who tends to be so moody and emotional was so very gifted and that God has a wonderful purpose for her sensitive soul. Sometimes it is so good to step back to really see our children as the individuals that they are.
Thank you for taking the time to share your wisdom and to refute the typical view of teenagers since the world generally considers them to be a curse.
Jill Farris ” target=”_blank”>http://www.generationalwomanhood.wordpress.com ” target=”_blank”>http://www.jillcampbellfarris.com
Giovanna says
thank you, thank you thank you…so much good sense and so much common sense…just what I (and my 12 year old) needed right now.
Only in Louisiana says
What a timely post…I have a twelve year old girl…. and a sixteen year old and an (gulp) eighteen year old (all girls). I have been lucky and we have had few “rough” spots. I was prepared for the worst during these trying years and am enjoying the best! Good luck to all!
Sheila says
This is a great post. I don't have a teenager or a daughter, but I remember being one! From 11 to 13 I was truly awful! I STILL feel bad about how bad I was to my mom. I simply had no idea to do with all those raging emotions … it was like being on a roller coaster I had no control of. Like PMS but much worse, all the time, and with no warning. Plus, I had no idea how to deal with such big feelings! If I ever have a daughter, I'm going to try to be really sympathetic about stuff like that and try not to take little things like eyerolls or “tones” too seriously.
One thing I would add, having been a youth group leader, is that this age is one where girls listen a lot more to people outside the family than those within it. Rather than try to fight that by keeping a daughter isolated, it's great to give her a community and service opportunities outside the family. 4H, church groups, and homeschooling groups are all excellent confidence-builders. Just make sure you know the people involved … girls are so sensitive to bad influences during these years. I know good friends are hard to find, but it's worth the trouble for a girl to find friends who understand her and bring her up, not down.
Sue says
Oh, boy! First you convict, and then you sooth. What more could I ask for?! My excuse is that we have had an understandable amount of extra stress going on in our family, what with major natural disasters and such, but I have been suddenly struggling more with 13 year old girlie. This really helped me to re-focus! Thank you, dear Leila!!!
Anonymous says
Thank you for this post I have two children, girls aged 11 and 13. Your timing is impeccable. Every month my husband wants to leave home. Thank goodness for chocolate.
Eve says
The All Things Girl and the All Things Boy series are pretty good for this age – they're Catholic generally good. (Occasionally there are specifics that one might disagree with for one's own family, but it usually a matter of preference.)
Kimarie says
I just read this and your post on boys. So timely for me! I have 6 girls ages 16 (today!), 13, 9, 7, 6, and 4. I also have 3 boys ages 14, 12, and 11. The “between 10.5 and 51 part” made me laugh out loud!
Kay says
I loved both the girls and the boys post! I am mom to 3 kids girls 13 and almost 10 and a boy of 8. I will be adding this to my list to read often. We have already had issues with my 13 year old. But I will be taking your advice to heart!
jpratt says
Such wisdom. Thank you so very much. I will read this again and again during the next 18(ish) months! 😉
Michelle Jacobi says
I loved your 10 1/2 to 51 comment. My mom always says, “With boys, you pay up front (the toddler years). With girls you pay forever.” I have a 12 year old daughter who, heaven help us all, is firmly entrenched in tween/teen attitude and behavior. I hope you are right — that in 18 months she'll be bareable again. My daughter is as stubborn as her mother, though, and I fear we'll be facing off for several years to come. Thanks for the fun post!
Jamie says
Dear Auntie Leila, I have just been reading through this post and the other ones of similar ilk and finding great encouragement and guidance. Perhaps you would, very soon, write a post on having young adults still in the home and how to grow and mature in that situation. How do we parent our young adults that are still at home? Particularly the daughters who are between 121/2 and 51? I would appreciate this greatly as I am struggling with this greatly, secretly of course as I wouldn't want them to catch on that underneath my mature motherly mantel, they have me cowering in the corner sometimes. And at other times I feel like yelling,” Everybody go to your room!” Can I do that when the girls are 20,19 and 18?! Just marrying them off and passing the buck may be the easiest solution but is it the best? Their brothers are 16 and 14 and not the bossy, emotional handful. I know you can help. HELP! : /