{May I encourage you to read my girl post as well? Both these posts have something for mothers of either sex.}
Dear Carlyn has a simple question:
Can you see why this question is so hard?
Auntie Leila doesn't know where to start.
It's been truly said that building character in an adolescent begins in early childhood, which is why I spend so much time talking about that phase, even though I get lots of emails like this one begging for help with older kids.
But I would deplore giving the impression that I think that if everything goes right in the early years, the period of adolescence will be easy. Or, conversely, if things have gone not quite right with the little ones, we have no hope with the teens.
Neither is true, necessarily.
And, among other issues, when our child's growing-up period hits us we're still struggling with ourselves. How dare these little cuddly infants get old and needy and critical of our way of life, when we are pretty much adolescents ourselves, barely starting to figure things out, trying to get control of our whims and fantasies, unsure of our commitment to the whole maturity thing?
In a way, the question of how you parent teenage boys (and girls, which topic of its very own I will address in another post) just makes us realize that we are strangely unequipped for the task.
Yet, it has to be done, and I'm sorry to say that I have been uninspired by most advice I have read on the topic, which as far as I can see amounts to something like, “The entire culture has given up on even the pretense of overcoming its own arrested development, so lose all hope of seeing your children mature before they have permanently damaged themselves somehow. We understand that you yourself have infantile needs you can't resist, so we'll help you come to terms with handing over your responsibilities to those who don't have your child's best interest at heart. Lie back and enjoy.”
Harsh?
Watch the Oscars and get back to me.
So here are my thoughts on dealing with teenage boys, those mysterious creatures who so recently delighted you with their openness, their cuteness, and their unquestioned sweet love. It's not unusual for an 11-year-old boy to hold Mom's hand while walking down the street! And then, a blink, and suddenly you overhear him on the phone mumbling and literally grunting! He can no longer speak! He has lost the power of communication! He must have something wrong with his neck, because he can't look up! He might have narcolepsy, because he's never awake!
Yes, the time of childhood is outward-directed; the child is simply learning about reality. The time of adolescence is inward-directed; he is finding out who he is at the same time that he is experiencing a tremendous physical challenge.
Don't worry. Hang in there for a year, applying to the best of your ability these rules. I'm quite sure that after a year from the time the grunting is first noticed, you will see improvements. He'll still be growing, but he'll be more interactive.
And what do you know, that whole time you have to be working on yourself, too.
Oh, it's hard, this parenting thing!
Remember my golden principles of parenting:
- Reacting is not a parenting technique! You are the adult. You act.
- Don't seek affirmation from your children! You are the adult. You get affirmation from doing what's best for them. Attitude doesn't bother you.
- Don't be surprised when things are not perfect!
And my usual disclaimer: Whatever I have learned has been SOHK (School Of Hard Knocks) and most of it can truly be said to be DWISNWID (Do What I Say Not What I Did), or at least LFMM (Learn From My Mistakes).
Right.
The first three rules, which I'm getting to, seem so…un…lofty. But I'm surprised and shocked and chagrined at how I look in vain for them to be mentioned in the experts' advice. So pardon me for being obvious or mundane or not taking it for granted that you already knew this.
1. Feed him.
Little kids don't eat a lot. (If we realized this we would stop getting so frustrated with trying to feed them.) When they are between the ages of 6 and 11 or so, they run around learning about the world and all the stuff in it, sort of soaking up nourishment from their surroundings. They can live by grabbing half your sandwich off the counter (shh…Auntie Leila didn't say this!!).
Now suddenly everything turns inwards for the simple biological reason that these boys are, in the next two years, going to grow a foot or more in every direction.
This takes a lot of food. You have to snap out of your lentil soup mode and serve up a cheeseburger with that dainty morsel. I'm not telling you what to eat, I'm just saying that you need a lot more of it, and it needs to include more than a salad. Always include bread and butter. What you used to think of as a meal is really a snack. Make sure that you plan extra servings in that casserole — you'll be surprised how it disappears.
2. Make sure he sleeps.
Much — much — of what we take for a serious psychological problem requiring outside intervention can be simply (and cheaply) solved by more sleep. I call it Intensive Sleep Therapy, and I'm willing to market it…
It goes without saying that there should be no electronic equipment of any kind in the children's bedrooms. Okay, there can be an alarm clock. But no computer or texting device. Keep the computer very much under your eye in a nice public place like the kitchen or den. Bedrooms are for reading and for sleeping. A 13-year-old boy might be mortified to be sent to bed at eight or nine, but he can go to read and so to sleep. If you start to see a lot of zoning out, napping, and lying on the sofa as if stricken by a mosquito-borne disease, make that bedtime earlier!
If the events of the previous night have caused a lack of sleep, then be sure to be even meaner about Intensive Sleep Therapy tonight and save yourself a lot of grief.
While you're at it, go to bed yourself, because more food and more sleep are the answer to most of life's problems, as far as I can see.
More food, more sleep: The first two steps in any protocol worth following.
3. Don't get mad at me, but let me just suggest that you cut his hair, making sure to trim the sides and clean up the neck fuzz.
Take it from someone who survived the 70s. No one can relate to an ungroomed, shaggy, unkempt mess. I'm so sorry that this look has returned.
Part of you doesn't want to deal, and part of you isn't sure it's worth it.
At the very least, if you can't fight this battle, insist that it is not in his eyes.
Hair that covers the eyes and requires fussing just feeds the beast of his desire to take refuge in the world of his making. It takes a lot of energy to hold one's head just so, to keep pushing the bangs not quite out of the way, and energy is just what he doesn't have much of!
It's unseemly enough in a girl to have a hair style that requires constant attention and prevents interpersonal contact. In a boy it's unmanly.
It's no coincidence that the style (if you want to call it that) corresponds to even more narcissism in our society, if that's possible.
Thinking only about oneself– the central problem of adolescence — goes hand in hand with not presenting a fresh open face to those who have to speak to you and would like to be given the chance to love you. Why make things hard? Or rather, why not endure the present hardship in order to make it easier for others (and face it, you yourself) to react well to him?
Just as you insist on a jacket in cold weather or breakfast before a hike, you could do this for his own good. And you already know that other folks, who may not love your children the way you do right off the bat (or ever), respond better when they are clean and nicely dressed. Same goes for their hair. So just give him that assist, will you?
{NB: I've noticed that as a child grows at this time, he by no means grows proportionately. Sometimes one feature — usually the nose — gets weirdly out of whack, giving him a temporarily goofy look that doesn't help you take him seriously. If he's at least well groomed, you'll find it easier not to give up on him as hopelessly gawky. I know you can't imagine that I'm telling the truth. But I am.}
4. Treat him like he's older and younger.
Show him you know he's on his way to growing up by understanding if he doesn't want to do kids' stuff or be surrounded by little kids all the time. But keep him in the family circle.
Sharing a room with his brothers is never a bad idea, even if it seems so to him; it's better than being off in the basement by himself. A 13-year-old gets lonely but doesn't know how to say that and doesn't know how to re-enter. You feel a bit intimidated by his sudden retreat from what the younger children are up to, but try not to exile him too far.
If you can possibly provide him with a baby brother or sister, or at least a puppy, you will be rewarded with the knowledge that at least he's hugging something! Sneak in a few hugs yourself. Don't let him set the hugging agenda, because it will have no items on it.
5. Insist on real learning.
Real books. Real discussions, even if they consists of grunts on his part. Don't give up, because this is the most crucial time for a young person, in which, completely hiddenly, they are desperately seeking coherence in themselves, you, and the world. Don't let him down by giving into what amounts to attitude.
If anything, renew your determination to provide what is true, beautiful, and good in the education you give your children.
If you have younger children, be sure to include your young man in read-alouds. If you don't, the direct approach might work anyway. How about listening to books in the car?
Try to choose books that will appeal to him as well as them. Adventures, classics, anything that is substantial. Go to Ambleside for good booklists and don't be afraid to choose something that might seem too young for him. Let him enjoy being a kid for a while longer.
When you have interesting guests, include him at least for a few minutes. Kids should be taught from the earliest age to take coats, help get guests comfy, and offer food. This is so that when they are 13 they can actually converse and maybe learn something!
6. Exercise.
It's not true that you need to wear a guy out from morning to night, but he needs to be active.
Sometimes he feels so odd in his own body that he doesn't want to move it around too much. It's worth the effort to keep him on a team or to be sure he gets together with friends to play basketball. And anything that includes nature — hiking and camping! — is wonderful.
Some folks emphasize exercise because they see it as a release from the tension brought about by sexual development. I think these same folks are a bit obsessed with sexuality, from what I can see, making it the whole of what's going on in adolescence.
It's a good thing for overall health for a young person to be active. Dealing specifically with their sexuality requires something more: it requires that we see that sexuality is given to man for the purpose of marriage (or the offering up for a higher purpose of virginity for the Kingdom).
In other words, sexuality is a gift that has to do with vocation, commitment, and covenant. You can read about it in Genesis and Matthew!
For a boy to understand this is the work of two things: family life in general (see #10) and confidential talks with his Dad (see #9).
7. Work.
It's hard to believe that this child, this kid, this immature grunting person must, in a few short years, decide on and have some notion of what he will do with his life. Believe it!
I hope that from the first days he could toddle you've been getting him to haul things and build things and move things and in general help out. Even if you haven't, it's not too late to start!
And here's where not being too well off really helps. After all, if a company does your yard work, it's pretty hard to motivate your teen to rake. But if everyone has to pitch in, all the better. Building a deck, repairing a shed, shoring up a wall, stacking wood — these are wonderful things for a young man to take on.
But keep your eye on what really energizes him. Don't be content to put him through the mill of school and extracurriculars, thinking that you can cover all your bases that way. No, it's up to the family to seize the opportunity for him to take what looks like a mere interest and really learn something about it with someone who knows the subject (aka “apprenticing”), then move heaven and earth to make it happen.
8. Demand manners and civility.
If you haven't taught your child to look someone in the eye and shake hands firmly, now is the time (see #5). Well, his Dad can teach him (see #9). (Remind them that shaking a lady's hand, and also the hand of an elderly person who might have arthritis, requires firm but gentle, which is quite different from limp.)
I don't have time to go into all manners right now, as important as they are, but I want to emphasize one thing:
No matter what you have allowed in the past in some misguided attempt to refrain from repressing your child or harming his self-esteem, when you have teenagers you simply must require, and yourself live by, the rule that while anger can be expressed, a fundamentally loving attitude must be maintained.
Well, fundamentally respectful, let's say.
Everyone loses his temper occasionally, and we all shout things we don't mean. Those times call for a quick apology and reconciliation.
But if you let habitual unpleasantness of tone and words reign, you are in deep trouble. You parents aren't always right, but you deserve kindness and respect. It's just a habit for a child to give snappy answers, use a put-upon tone of voice, and say mean things.
The way to stop a habit is to stop dead in your tracks.
Don't nag, don't explain, don't yell. Just stop. Stop the car. Stop the meal. Stop the discussion. Do not take one more step until what's said is said in a way that would be acceptable to a mere acquaintance or indeed a total stranger.
Of course, this means that your tone has to be friendly, that you have to smile, that you must be pleasant! If you have to yell, then yell. If you're mad, then be mad! But don't fall into the strained if-I-must-speak-to-you-it's-under-duress way of dealing with each other, much less hurling insults and I-hate-yous!
One thing my eldest child and youngest child have taught me is saying “I love you” frequently, especially when you are saying goodbye. What if that's the last time you ever speak to them? Thanks, Nick and Bridget! I love you!
9. Wait 'til Dad gets home.
My dear fellow mother, you must accept that you have done your best or at least had your chance.
From here on in, yes, you can gently correct and you can guide, and you can cry (don't lightly discount crying), but more and more you must allow your husband to handle your son.
Now, don't tell me, as I have had moms say, that you find your husband ineffectual and lacking in, well, having any clue at all as to what might be going on.
This certainty that “only you can solve the problems” is in fact a symptom of one of the biggest issues a family faces in dealing with a teen! Namely, that your marriage has new challenges that it must meet.
Just as your child is developing according to well known stages, so is your relationship with your husband! Yet all the advice I've ever read assumes this very element to be static, when it clearly is not.
You can't see it, because you're in the midst of it. No one tells you, because so few people survive beyond the early stages…they either split up or lose concentration — and lose their children in the process. Not necessarily literally lose (although that can happen), but sort of passively allow the culture to take over and do its thing, because if not, they find the strain on the marriage too great.
But then they find they don't have much of a family.
Your marriage comes first. This is how you help your children!
So this moment — of permitting your own influence over your son to take its natural course while your husband's increases — is God's way of getting you to realize that, while exerting the Herculean effort of organizing your family for the past dozen years has been indispensible, you must now re-adjust your thinking to allow for others' ways of doing things.
It's how you are rescued from the fate of always telling everyone what to do (unless you get into blogging and bossing around perfect strangers :).
Your husband has had to make his home fit for babies, and that has required a lot of change on his part. Now comes the new task of getting his family to face the world. Now you realize your expertise is in juggling the household but not teenage boys.
{By the way, this is why I think it's dumb to waste time complaining that men don't bear the burden of baby nurturing or housekeeping. The people who want perfect parity just don't understand what life in the second decade of raising children is like! They don't seem to have any insight into the responsibility a man feels when he realizes that his wife has done a fine job of making a home, and now the precious young ones look to him for a stable vision of reality — probably just at the time that he is experiencing real doubts about his success.}
There has to be something your husband can do, and this is it.
Amazingly, your son's inability to communicate meshes perfectly with your husband's inability to… communicate!
Just kidding.
Sort of.
You see, just as your son is reaching this age, your husband is most likely also reaching a stage when he isn't sure he wants to talk about things so much anymore. That is undoubtedly not wonderful, and yet, he may have a point. It's worth taking under advisement.
Start with the conviction that, with your encouragement, your husband will find the right way to reach your son. That encouragement has to be very much behind the scenes and fortified with a lot of real affirmation of his methods, something you achieve with all the effort of convincing yourself that you may not know everything. He may actually be the expert on adolescent boys, having been one himself!
We have to accept that there is something there, something male, that we don't understand.
When we have accepted and embraced this, we will find that we have facilitated something we wanted all along, which is a strong bond in the family. We find that our husband and sons have a wonderful friendship and mutual respect; one which, yes, may sometimes seem to leave us out or even gently mock our womanly ways.
Whatever, we totally mock them all the time.
10. Cling to Sunday more than ever.
I've written about the importance of Sunday before.
This is the most practical thing I have to say.
Right about when your first child gets to be an adolescent, you will be overwhelmed by how complicated life seems to be.
How will you survive?
Worship and rest. Be together. Enjoy. You as mother must do whatever it takes to make it possible for the day to be a happy one.
You can't figure out what to do unless you have a peaceful moment!
As the children get older, they naturally show reluctance for doing things they've always had to do. That's to be expected, and parents have to be flexible and understanding.
But don't let go of your Sunday! It's the center of your family life.
In worship, never pander by trying to make the liturgy seem relevant to a young person. This approach, while well meaning, is doomed to failure. Either you take for granted a sophistication that doesn't exist, inadvertently promoting what you hope to avert; or you expose yourself or the church to the charge of being lame.
The worst thing for someone who is unsure of himself (i.e. an adolescent) is to appear ridiculous. Thus, the safest and best course is to search out the highest, most beautiful, fullest, most traditional (and hence least likely to be out of date) form of worship you can, with the greatest spectrum of types and ages of people available.
Do you really want your child to outgrow worship? To outgrow the third Commandment? Yet this is what will happen, eventually, if you go to an age-specific service. Even if you think it has worked, it leaves a doubt in his mind about just what was going on.
And, of course, having to rub shoulders with toddlers and old people couldn't be a better prescription for overcoming what ails him, namely, nigh-terminal self-absorption. Gee, it worked for the Jews for 5000 years and Christians for 2000. Why would we tamper with this?
As to the rest of the day, be utterly convinced to cling to your family dinner. Of course you should eat together whenever possible, but Sunday dinner, when Dad is truly resting and the day is devoted to being together, is sacred. The time when the children are becoming teenagers is when your family truly gets its identity, and the supper table is where this identity emerges. I can't begin to catalog all the advantages when you keep hold of the family table, but consider: when you emerge from this difficult stage and realize you all really do love each other, you will be hard put then recover a custom you never had!
If you do one thing for your teen, let it be that you lovingly keep the Lord's Day.
fallinglikerain says
Oh my goodness. What wisdom here in this post! I have two sons, twenty and twelve, so I've parented a thirteen year old male once already and will soon be doing it again. I should print out this post and put in on the refrigerator, though, my planner seems a more prudent place. We should all have an aunt like Leila.
Annie says
Aunt Leila, This is a beautiful, wise post. Thank you.
regan says
oh, this post did my heart good.
as the mama of 3 boys, one of them being 13, this was full of some things i already know, but nevertheless great lessons that should never be forgotten!
thank you and GOD bless you!
Nadja says
Thank you for this…I'm mother to six, the four middle ones boys, and although the oldest is only turning 10 in May, I am a proponent of the philosophy that forewarned is forearmed! W need to raise more meat animals in the coming years, I see. Already the boys are on a two-hour feeding schedule…
Sue says
How very timely!!! I was just talking about this very subject with two friends yesterday. They both have 13 year old boys, while my daughter is 13, and my eldest son coming up on 12 soon. We were exchanging book ideas and comforting one moms “he acts like he will die if he's seen with me” woes. I really want to print this out and give it to both of them! Thank you so much for sharing these very wise (and humorous in just the right places) words!
I know you get this all the time, but you really ought to write a book, dear Leila.
Now I'm waiting eagerly for the 13-year-old girl installment!!
priest's wife says
on 'outgrowing' a religious service because it is an age-specific service YESYESYES can I say YES again? In my not so humble opinion, age-segregated Masses are anti-life- keeping babies, kids and old people apart. yes- there is a place for the 'old-persons' lunch once a month (served by the youth group) and a vacation Bible school for the kids- but the actual Mass should be completely inclusive
My only son is almost 4- but my big girls will turn 12 and 11- looking forward to your 'girl post'
Rachael says
Our first is a boy… due in May. I'm already thinking ahead and a tad worried about the teenage years. But, I also know that the foundation for good teenage relationships starts at birth, so thinking ahead seems good. As my mom once said, what's cute at 2 isn't cute at 12.
Thanks, Auntie Leila!
Marissa says
I needed this post. I'm beginning to notice subtle changes in my 11 year old son (who'll be 12 in April)
Thanks for sharing your wisdom.
Amy says
This was amazingly brilliant, edifying, and practical.
Tomorrow you will post the girl list – right? (please, please, pretty please?)
Kimberly says
Bravo! Such direct down to the point advice! I especially enjoyed the grunting, food and adding portions to the casserole, our twin boys {almost 15} individually out eat Hubby! Luckily my husband has stepped up and parents these boys, teaching them things about being a man that I would know nothing about! I do grunt at them occassionally, they laugh at me. Wonderful post!
sibyl says
Oh, how great. I've still got the 11-year-old boy, who is a joy to be around most times, but his voice is changing and he EATS like he will fall over otherwise!
If I could only ask one more related question: what if you're homeschooling such a child?
_Leila says
Hi Sibyl,
I'm not sure I understand the question! These 10 rules (and so much more) go for a boy in any situation!
katie says
amen! How perfect. Just what I needed today. Can't wait for your insight on those 13 yr old girls.
margo says
thank you thank you thank you – for speaking the truth in love (and humor). I am benefitting from your wisdom, dear Auntie Leila.
EiLL says
So true. Even when the girls got to be teens, Dad was the voice they sought to listen to. His was the approval they longed for … “Mom's always gonna love us, but Dad, Dad is fascinating, and smart, and interesting!” My son still likes me, but Dad is the one who balances out God's plan for my children in the second decade of their lives. In their 20's, they tend to see the treasure in both of us 🙂
Sundays are the one thing my grown up, moved away, adult children miss the most. So when ever they are home, we go to church and sing our hearts out together, then come home for a big rowdy meal with way too much food. And it is good.
CarlynB says
Oh, thank you so very much! This is just exactly the sort of post I was hoping for. For one thing, you have given me reinforcement for some things we already have in place – like an early bedtime, good reading, and the importance of Sunday for worship (in a non-age-segregated congregation!) and family time. So far we have had no issues about hair – my son actually LIKES his hair neatly trimmed and short. However, there are several items on your list that I see I need to work on. (#8 and #9)
It's so difficult to have questions and not have someone to turn to. When my son was a baby I had my mother to give me good advice when I needed it. Now she's gone, my dear mother-in-law passed away before our son was born, and I have no close friends or relations who have already been where I am now and who could give me advice that I can trust.
Thanks again for taking the time to offer up such thoughtful advice!
Pippajo says
Thank you for this. Man-Cub is turning 10 in a few weeks and I've already seen glimpses of what you are talking about. Thankfully, The Viking began preparing me for relinquishing my “hold” on him shortly after he was born. There is no greater comfort to me, when I'm at my wits' end with Man-Cub, than knowing that in a few short hours his father, who was once a boy himself and can understand his boyish ways as I cannot, will be home and will deal with him.
I also have to agree with you about the age-specific services, but to try to explain why would take way too much time and space! Let's just leave it at that.
I, too, am wildly looking forward to your thirteen-year-old girl post! Redheaded Snippet is 15, but I'm sure there is much I can learn from your experience (and mistakes–j/k)!
One more thing: why does there seem to be such a horrible lack of older women instructing the younger women the way you are doing for those of us who hang on your every word? You must have noticed that we're starving for it! And you are the only woman I know who does it; and I don't even know you in real life! It really seems tragic…
Thanks again.
JaneC says
That is so, so true. My mother cannot give much of the types of parenting advice I see here, since she had only one child, and that child a girl. She knows little about having a baby and a toddler, or how to raise a boy. She also worked full-time, and so I had a nanny and she had help cleaning…which I cannot afford. My grandmothers who did know these things are now gone, just when I am at the age of needing the advice on adulthood that I was not ready to listen to as a teenager.
Thankfully, I have a new friend from church–a mother of six, whose oldest (a girl) is 15. I have things to offer her; because I don't have children yet but adore them, I have both the free time and the noise-tolerance to come over to her house and hold the baby and provide the adult female companionship she's been missing. In return she can provide me with housekeeping and organizational tips, and child-rearing advice which is observable, since the kids are there being reminded not to interrupt the conversation, and the baby is doing some attention-seeking fussing (“fake-crying” as his dad calls it).
Still, having it all written down from Auntie Leila is invaluable, since I'd feel a bit awkward taking notes in front of my friend!
Joy says
What wise counsel, Leila. I have three boys–16, 15, and 12–and I agree with all you have written here. Two of the reasons I so appreciate being able to teach my boys at home is that I can make sure they sleep as much as they need and they are learning good meaty stuff instead of just filling in time. Sometimes our discussions fall flat but the more we discuss good books, the more interested the boys get.
This post affirms so many of the things I've done with my boys. Thank you. It helps to know that I'm mostly on the right track.
Jen says
Thank you for your wisdom! You should write a book!
Kathleen Jaeger says
Thank you for the timely post. My oldest is a 12 1/2 year old boy. Thank you for the great insight to more food and more sleep. I know it but sometimes want to deny it because I certainly need less food than I have been eating. I really liked what you had to say about the father and son. Someone else recently said a similar thing about the work of the father in this stage. It rings true.
Thank you for taking the time to write this. It has given me much to ponder.
Christine says
I have been reading your blog for some time and I can't remember if I've ever left a comment :). I am expecting baby #9 – my older three are boys 21, 18, and 17 with two more boys to go through the teenage years – three girls with my oldest just 13. I have to say your words are timeless and applicable to ages well beyond age thirteen!!! One of my lines to my husband all the time (still hahaha) is “Is this normal?!!” I ask him because he was one of those strange creatures once ;). He always reassures me that they are normal. I have found that “passing on the care” of my babies to my hubby as they reach that stage actually brings me peace – they are so different from me and he understands them far better than I do! I have to confess to messing up and interjecting when I clearly shouldn't but I am learning that he really does know best!!! Thank you for you wise words!!!
Blessings,
Christine
Emily says
My three little boys are still far from turning 13, but oh Leila, I'm glad you put in the effort and wrote this! I like being forearmed with wise advice. 🙂
I have one question on your “first principle”: do you have some specific, practical examples of how to ACT instead of REACT? It sounds right but…I find it very difficult to do. On bad days I often feel that my five year old is the one “driving the bus” so-to-speak, and I'm trying to catch up and turn him around. Not pleasant! I'm guessing you've written on this before but I'm not sure where in the archives…perhaps you or one of your readers could direct me?
Thank you again, Leila – I'm blessed to have you as a “virtual Aunt”.
Dyan says
Wow! I had to laugh at the title. I have a 13-yr old son and I thoroughly enjoyed reading this post. I agree with you. It was almost like I was checking off a list: more food–check, more sleep–check…….
Thank you for the affirmations. We have worked hard with our children on these things. I have to say that up until now we have had it easy, but we also have a 12-yr old girl ( and 3 younger siblings). When she was 2 years old, I started working with her to make sure we discussed things because I knew it would be easier to continue discussions than to just all of a sudden “start talking” when she reached this stage. I wouldn't call it easy now, but without that background, life would be harder than necessary. Needless to say, I am also looking forward to the “girl” post. Thanks so much for taking the time to share your insight with us. I really appreciate it.
Kristen Q says
I second Jen's book request. Thank you for this post. If anything it has confirmed my lame suspicion that boys and girls are two different animals. I am a mother raised with a sister by a single mom…now married with a preschool girl and infant son. WOW. even at 5 months old I am started to feel like my fem-centric background was wholly inadequate for this little man.
Puffin Hen says
Oh, Auntie, dear, I am SO with you. But, if you could just tell me HOW to force 11 and 13 year old rock legends to allow me (or someone else, I'm not picky) to cut their hair….? No, really. I need to know. Please…..
The rest, I think I can work with. Thank you so much for putting this all together so coherently. Such a help.
God Bless.
_Leila says
Puffin Hen,
Start with getting them off rock legends as their heroes! Seriously! Time for some other role models — ones who don't have hair in their eyes.
Then, a stern directive from DAD and off you go. Or he can take them to the barber. BARBER. Now there's a nice masculine word…
theresa says
This is so good, my eldest is just 13 a lovely sweet boy some days and a bear on others. I've never thought much of conventional wisdom to esentially give up and let them find themselves, this is much more on my wavelength. I especially like the comments on fathers, while I know that I notice much more then my husband, I'm not male, I don't really understand the whole male 'thing' somethings really are best left to him.
kathryn says
I have 8 sons and 1 daughter, 4 of my sons are 13 or older and I found this piece to be the first one to ever truly 'get' raising sons and speak wonderful wisdom with full humility – I loved it, thank you so much for answering her question…this kind of goodness needs to be out there!
Betty says
You have written words of gold with grammar of silver–ok that was hyperbole, but seriously what a fantastic post!!!! My son is 28, so I can affirm this with experience. God bless you for writing this!
Christine says
What a smart post! Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. It's good to know that things will change with my 10-year old non-eating boy. I also can't wait for the teenaged girl post. We are headed there. Now. I am not weathering it particularly well, and wish that I could lock the girl up somewhere for the next decade or so to keep her the way she was when she was smaller.
Laura Jeanne says
Auntie Leila, Thank you so much for this post. My oldest boy is only 6 right now, but it's good to know what sort of challenges lay ahead, and I love your advice filled with common sense. Thank you for not being afraid to tell things like they are.
I do look forward to the post on parenting teenaged girls as well. My own daughter just turned 12, and to say she is a handful would be an understatement. I try so hard to be loving and kind to her, but she has developed that sour, pouty attitude that teenaged girls so often have these days, and I just don't know what to do about it. She complains about everything, all the time! It's very hard to follow your advice and ACT instead of REACT when she curls up her lip and makes disparaging comments about the food I'm serving…just this morning she said breakfast was disgusting shortly after I had cheerfully greeted her good morning. It made me want to cry. I hope you have words of advice to address this issue!
Thanks again,
Laura in Ontario
Jennifer says
Wow. Just… Wow. What a tremendous blessing this post is to me. Thank you… sincerely thank you. We have five sons and three daughters. Our oldest two are boys, ages 14 and 11. Watching our son grow into this young man (who is already about a foot taller than me!!!) has been so bittersweet. Seeing him pull away is heart-wrenching, but I realize it is necessary. You have given me some very practical advice.
I love this blog and find it very helpful.
This post is one I will cherish and refer to often, as our youngest boy is a mere 18 months old!!! 🙂
Blessings,
natalie says
i so wish you'd write a parenting book!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am just starting to read this blog and am a very new mom, but feel these words of wisdom should definitely be cataloged so i can access them more readily. Please???:) love your blog!
Erin says
Thank you for such well-thought-out and well-lived advice. As the mother of a boy who is turning three in a few months, this advice may not all be immediately applicable, but it helps remind me of what I should be doing to lay the foundation of good behavior and relationships for my boy.
wanderingsue says
Auntie Leila, you are pure genius!
“Whatever, we totally mock them all the time.”
Desperately wanted wisdom, and as pleasurable to read as ever- thanks yet again.
freckled hen says
Such timely wisdom! Your words are wonderful and I am certain to come back to them throughout the year. Somedays I feel like all is well as the parent of a 13 yr old boy and other days I am constantly questioning myself. I love Christine's comment above “Is this normal?” A question that if I am not speaking it to my husband I am thinking it to myself.
Holly says
Thank you Leila. My son is 15 and there are days I'm wondering if we'll ever get him “back”. I feel reassured, but also feel like I got a good whack on the head to take a look at the areas where I've let the reins go. I think I'm starting with a haircut!! Thanks! 🙂
womanofthehouse says
So much good advice here! I heartily agree about the hugging. Around age 12 or 13 both of my girls (I don't have any boys) turned “hug shy,” but I just keep on hugging them anyway. I figure that deep down they like it and *need* it. It won't kill them. lol
Amy says
Thank you for tackling such an under-answered question. All the books seem to just skip this. I love your advice even though it is too late for me to use much of it. All I wanted to add was, I am sure you would agree with me,I have used humor, sarcasm generously but they are so easily hurt in spite of the tough act. Mothers should never resort to ridicule.
Rachel says
My husband always suggests the Boy Scouts to families with growing boys. Our eldest managed to miss this family requirement, but the three following boys are entrenched –well one is now an Eagle Scout, praise God. Anyway, my hubby says that the best part is that some other man gets to tell your son what you have said thousands of times. Sometimes our sons hear that other Dad. There is a lot of leadership training and dealing with the world in a masculine way. And they go on camp outs. And women, young and old, like Boy Scouts and they really like Eagle Scouts.
Shar says
This a fantastic post! Thank you!
The teen years are certainly trying for all family members. But I must say the young adult years are even harder, in my experience.
RubberChickenGirl says
Now you tell me!! Wish I'd read this about 6 years ago. Two boys down (and praying for us all to recover!) and one to go….
Lots to think about.
Thank-You ever so much for your help.
Heather says
Oh, this is just brilliant. Brilliant! I was nodding along as I read the whole thing, because it all made so much sense,and yet none of it would have come to me intuitively. I needed to hear it from you! Thank you, thank you.
I have three boys and a girl. My oldest son is nine, and we are already seeing signs of needing to adopt some of these ideas. I'm very much looking forward to a similar post about girls.
Jen says
You are such a blessing! Thank you~mom of a 12 yr. old boy
MamaHen says
Oh, thank you so much!!!!!! I so needed this. My oldest son will be thirteen in April and I have two more to follow. I have a nine year old daughter so I am looking forward to the daughter post also. Do you have some suggestions on things to do to fill up a homeschooling 13 year old's days? I want him to have plenty of time for school, but he also needs to be outside playing and working. We have 8 acres so there is always plenty of work to do.
Taryn P says
I laughed…I creid…then I laughed again:) Thanks for this post and for the blessing of your blog.
warmly,
Taryn, Mama to 5 boys ages 11 on down to 1
Tracey says
Oh, thank you for this- such wisdom. We are in the preteen years and I sense the time is fast approaching where I will need this advice.
And your general parenting advice is right on! Nothing short of genius!
April says
Ah, the wisdom of a great blogger. May God continue to change the culture one little wise blog entry at a time. I pray that your wisdom is read by many and that every woman or man commenting here will refer this post to another current day parent! God Bless you!
Linda says
You are amazing! You write beautifully and full of wisdom. Thank you so much for all your effort. This is a treasure like all your 'advice'.
Tapping World Summit says
Very well said! It's very helpful for all mothers out there.
Anxiety Cause says
What a very wonderful post! Very helpful and informative.
Jenn says
Thank you for this lovely list and for sharing your wisdom. I have 2 girls and am very much looking forward to your advice on parenting girls. Blessings to you and your family.
Patty says
This post was worth waiting for. My 13y.o. boy is only 8 months old right now, but I know this will come in handy later on. It seems that so many are at a loss as to what to do with boys to motivate them to grow up!
Can't wait to see what you have to say about girls, however, being a girl myself, I have a little more idea about them.
Maryanne says
“The time when the children are becoming teenagers is when your family truly gets its identity, and the supper table is where this identity emerges. I can't begin to catalog all the advantages when you keep hold of the family table, but consider: when you emerge from this difficult stage and realize you all really do love each other, you will be hard put then recover a custom you never had!”
Love this comment, couldn't agree more!
-Ma in PA
Beckie says
When you do the girl post could you up the age a bit. I need some wisdom on how to live at peace with my young woman. She is fabulous! And she can utterly drive me crazy (I am sure that works both ways). Trying to keep a balance between “my house my rules” and letting her grow into her own ways. She is just turning 18 but will be living here for a bit so we are on a journey in learning to share space as adults. Specifically…how to foster respect when she thinks mama is out of her ever lovin mind. (mostly about ” parenting” the younger siblings…she is much more strict with them than I am).
Anyway…I love your site. Thank you for putting your heart out there. I am enjoying spending time with you and yours.
Jackie says
“more food and more sleep are the answer to most of life's problems, as far as I can see.”
I whole-heartedly agree! While I am still in the early stage of mothering (my oldest is 6), I am already seeing the wisdom in these words. Many of my peers (and his) think I'm nuts because my children go to bed at 7pm. However, they are rarely out-of-sorts.
I also REALLY appreciate your wisdom regarding Dad as the primary parent…because boys need to learn how to be men, and they can only learn from men. Especially for those women who are single moms, it is crucial to find positive male role-models for your sons. (This is where I believe the church is particularly helpful.)
Beth says
Amen, Leila, Amen! I have six boys, the oldest is 30 and youngest 8. I completely agree with your great counsel. feed them, make sure they rest and study the gospel and are respectful, and give them WORK. Work saved my boys. Most of them have grown now and are contented, hard working men. Thanks for taking the time to remind us all of what is important. You're awesome!…..and I must say, your post strengthened my resolve to help two more 13 year olds grow into a good, honest men. 4 down, 2 to go!
BTW- Boy Scouts really helped my boys. All four of my adult sons are Eagle Scouts, and the work, leadership development and learning that took place in earning those awards made a huge difference in their lives. I can't recommend scouting enough- it is a great program.
Glenda Childers says
You are wise, adorable and funny. Can't wait for part two on raising daughters.
Fondly,
Glenda
Debbie says
Magnificent!
Donna L. says
Thank you so much for this wonderful post!
TOTALLY. WORTH. THE. WAIT!!!
Excited for the “sequel” about daughters…
God Bless you and your family
RubberChickenGirl says
Another cautionary tale for teen boys…..video games. This is a EVERYONE’s DOING IT battle and a hard one to fight and win. I would add that my number 11 on your list would be for parents to not back down on saying NO to things they are firmly convinced (or even have that niggling ominous feeling about ) are unhealthy or ungodly even if they are the only parent for 1,000 miles saying NO.
GinnySheller says
I've still got a little over two years before Seth stops hugging me and holding my hand I guess. And now I sort of want to cry just thinking about it. I better print this post up and save it. I can't trust the internet to keep it safe for me and I am going to need these words I am sure!
jill farris says
You did it again Leila! Practical, wise advise. Thank you for your insight into what is real and what is good as well as human nature.
I've never appreciated my husband as much as when we began parenting our teens. We've raised two, have four teens currently and two more coming up eventually.
Also, your insight into how many marriages split up during the teen years or how many parents simply let the teens slide and thus lose the family……you said it better and so well! It is true that our family unity is really 'forged' during the teen years and we mothers have to do battle; especially to retain time together around the dinner table!
Blessings,
Jill Farris
kristen says
read from preschoolers & peace, commented on my fb page and friends wanted the link, so I posted it…thx!
Beth says
“Parents don't REACT, they ACT.” Going on the fridge now. Looking for a loving way to make this a more permanent part of our decor! Cross stitch pillow perhaps…
Maia says
I am printing this up and putting this in my file of “To Read in 2021”!
Misty says
Thank you for this glimpse into my future with my three sons! I am already having to double everything I make for dinner. Thanks, too, for encouraging us to trust our husbands and not to interfere with the way they will connect with our teenage sons. That's why God gave them a Mom and a Dad!
Kerry D. says
With two boys, 19 and 14, I very much agree with the amazing need for food and sleep. And Dad does have significant conversations with them, about mistakes made or important values to live up to. I've chosen to let them style their hair pretty much as they choose–as a matter of choosing my battles. I have many conversations with them, both simple and profound.
What you didn't mention was hugs–or maybe I missed it. But they both appreciate more hugs and snuggles than I would have guessed a boy child would. I give my 14 year old baseball player a nightly foot rub, and that's when we have some of our deepest conversations.
They are definitely different from me as a young woman, and from my daughter, but I find them rather delightful.
Spalva says
Is there a girl version of this? Well, actually, the boy version might fit my girl better.
Snippets of thyme says
This is exactly where I am with my son. It is as if you were watching our family all along and have sketched out our experiences to the last letter! How timely could this be. He is now taller than me and all I want to do is whip out my little black comb and fix his hair! And, you imagine the list continues. Question for you: Would you mind if I post a link to this article from my blog (rileymadel.blogspot.com)? I always feel like its only ME who is experiencing these things with my UNIQUE son. I can breathe a little easier reading that this is the progression of many others with teen boys.
_Leila says
Yes, of course, links are always fine!
Glad to be of help!
Amy M. says
This was perfect for me to read today. I will be sharing this link on my blog later this week. It is so well thought out and practical.
I really appreciate the reminder to hand the reins over to my husband. Your points could have come directly from the questions and concerns in my head. Thank you for that.
mrs4444 says
As the mom of a young adult male, I concur. Good stuff here. And as a middle school teacher, I see plenty of those noses!haha It's fun to see them all settled down when I run into them at the high school 🙂
Guest says
What to do if you have to be both mother and father to the 13 year old because the father does not want to be involved?
_Leila says
Dear Guest, yes, I understand. It's hard enough to raise a family with both mother and father. Our fallen nature makes it so hard.
This little blog can't do more than offer encouragement to find a way to follow God's plan in the midst of this brokenness. No matter what, His grace is the answer. Each person faces problems that it would take an encyclopedia, not a blog, to delve into! But you know that the good God won't refuse a mother's prayer, no matter how impossible things seem.
Go to St. Joseph, Jesus' foster father, and insist that he help you father this boy. It says in Scripture, “Go to Joseph.” And then, sit tight for a difficult few years (they are difficult in any case). Stand your ground, keep your standards. Don't rely too much on those outside the family — unfortunately, fatherless boys are too vulnerable, and even the healthiest families relinquish their proper control out of sheer exhaustion. God bless you.
Kim B. says
This post is PERFECT timing, as the pre-teen hormones were active this morning! Thank you so much for your words of wisdom!
Diane says
Oh my goodness… I want to give you an enormous warm hug (and maybe cry on your neck for a coupla minutes, do you mind terribly?) I am the single mom of 5 adorable marvelous children, the youngest of whom is a 12yo boy. He's really my only “boy” because even though my 21yo son is also (obviously) male, he is also profoundly retarded. Consequently, I've never had to deal with any of this boy business with him. Now don't get me wrong, my 12yo, Noah is a great kid (see me wax eloquent here: http://tomatosoupcake.blogspot.com/2009/02/faithf… or maybe here: http://tomatosoupcake.blogspot.com/2010/02/weapon… Can you stand one more? http://tomatosoupcake.blogspot.com/2010/12/small-… ) Still, I can see him changing before my very eyes… he's getting all muscle-y and hairy and yeah, I've noticed the mumbling and grunting too. I feel at a bit of a loss dealing with his approaching adolescence, especially since there is no dad in the house to help me out.. to balance things out. I appreciated the concreteness of your suggestions. I needed to hear those. I needed to hear that all of this is normal and to get a few pointers for navigating the next year or so of unfamiliar waters. Thanks so very much… so very much♥
Caren LeMark says
You just made my heart more peaceful. My oldest son is to be 15 soon, and will enter a formal school for the first time. Seems my husband and I are on the right track so far, only I will give him more food! We have four more sons to follow….then onto the girlies! Thank you so much for comforting this nervous mom.
Peg says
I have been reading this blog and laughing so hard. Remembering my two sons. One a mechanic and hunter and one an athlete and gorgeous. How on earth did I survive. I had two girls first. The first one I started to school too early and she needed the emotional maturity of an extra year. Her birthday was at the end of Sept. The second daughter had a birthday in October (there's that year) One struggled to keep up with her piers and the other one was queen of everything, athletic and I was always told how pretty she was. I didn't see that she looked any different from the other three? It was just pure insanity from morning to night! I am now 65 and looking at my two daughters who are teachers. One son is a mechanic with his own shop and went into the Army and the other one has two sons very intelligent and athletic. The world turns. It's fun now to sit back and watch them struggle to come to grips with these maturing children of their own. I love them dearly but oh boy it was such a struggle
sweetridgesisters says
This is fantastic. I really, really love it. So grateful to have come across it.
Kim@StarrySkyRanch says
Six boys here. (and 4 girls : )) I will just say AMEN. Wish I had read it a dozen yrs ago. But then, you were probably working it all out then too. It's all just so much clearer after the fact. It is a true grace that we got more wonderful boys and more chances to put it all to work on a daily basis.
Mary@notbefore7 says
Hi! I arrived here from a FB link, first on the girl post, but I did follow the advice to read the boy post. I noticed some things were on both posts, appropriately, but was wondering two things:
1. Why isn’t “insist on real learning” on the girl post? Many other things appear on both so it appears that redundancy wasn’t the issue, so I wondered what was?
2. And shouldn’t taking care of others be a “humanly art”, something we especially want to teach our sons as well?
I was just curious as to your reasoning.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I have also used the “Care and Keeping of you” book and found it to be quite effective.
Leila says
Mary, to answer your questions:
1. Insisting on real learning is something I emphasize for the adolescent boy because of all the other things I mention: they are retreating behind their grunting exterior and are usually about to undergo an extraordinary growth spurt that saps all their energy. Their emotions are hidden and they *seem* to lose interest in refined things. They seem unresponsive. There is no question that boys at this point fall behind girls in their education — read the literature and studies on the phenomenon! Especially today, with coeducation, adolescent girls take over adults’ attention because they are pert, compliant, and for the most part, where boys become inarticulate, they are more likely to evince a readiness to learn. All well and good until we allow ourselves to be led by this difference. We have to insist that our boys learn and overcome their particular difficulties. I recommend reading Christina Hoff Sommers and her “War Against Boys.”
2. The sexes are different. The female of the species is hard-wired to “take care of others.” The male is not. Yet, his vocation is to protect and defend those who need it. Without emphasis, help, and training, boys will channel what we can call the irascible tendency — or just manliness — towards aggression pure and simple. They must be directed to use their strength — unquestionably the trait they will be most fixated on in this period of their life — to benefit those weaker than they and those who need protection, and this is the genius or particular charm of Christianity: to value and even exalt manliness while placing it firmly in servant mode. “I come to serve” said the manliest Man in history. The defect of most child-rearing advice (for boys) is that it seeks either to eradicate irascibility or to leave it unchecked. The remedy is to help them to notice others and their needs and to make it a specifically manly virtue to address them.
However, all this said, redundancy is an issue when writing two blog posts on the same topic but from the perspective of each sex. I do rely on the common sense of the reader to discern that I’m not implying that these virtues or habits aren’t important for both and that observation of human nature *as it is* conditions our responses.
Mary@notbefore7 says
Thanks! I was just curious as to your reasoning as I am raising both genders and have not only read the book you mentioned, but also Dobson’s Bring Up Boys as well as “Wild at heart” (author slipping my mind) as well as many books on the topics of girls.
Clearly, I will use my common sense in applying these but was curious as to your reason as quite a few of your suggestions were on both and these were two that stood out to me as ones I may have considered for both as well and wondered why you didn’t.
Shantel Henke Jones says
I am in awe of your wisdom here! I have, or will have, 4 teen boys currently the oldest 3 are pre-teens and teens and I needed this advice very much! Thank you for sharing your wisdom!