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| I dropped my camera, so you will have to be content with slightly older pictures. |
I read a lot of really terrible child-rearing advice out there, and some good advice too, but one thing I notice about most advice is that it’s not very particular or specific when it’s most well meant.
“Establish a home of peace and goodness” isn’t exactly a road map when you are dealing with siblings who spend every waking moment together sniping, whining, moaning, and groaning.
Wrapping these children up in quilts, depicting them in a hazy photographic glow, feeding them wholesome organic food, offering them vast opportunities for creative expression — none of these things compensates for lack of harmony together or provides the means to that end.
Here’s what you need: Obedient children, and that starts with teaching them to trust you from the very first moment of their life, yes, probably in the womb — so start being trustworthy now.
You also need: Aware and polite children who get that there’s a world outside of themselves and they play a part in it –starting around age six for real, because of course there’s never a time that this is not appropriate.
It’s hard to draw a line *here* and say this is what you do now and this is what you do then.
But very small children are learning that there is a world outside of themselves in a radical way. They literally have no idea that such is the case, and when it strikes them, they get scared.
A two-year old needs to learn to do what you say. This is literally so that he will be safe. It’s also so that he will feel safe, and not afraid. It’s a mercy to a child to demand obedience from him, and the worst dereliction of duty to neglect to do so. It takes about three years. It’s a work in progress.
WWMD? (What Would Ma Do?)
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| The pears were amazing this year. These are the unblemished “eating” ones. |
When Pa was away and a bear came to the Little House, Ma told Laura to get inside. And she went, even though she didn’t see the bear at first. Would your little girl do what you said in that situation?
Today’s child, in the false comfortable world of prosperity where parents think they have the luxury of listening to “experts” (who have no obedient children themselves), would cause this scenario:
“Laura, get inside!”
“Why?”
“Sweetie, get inside, please. Mommy needs you to get inside. Mommy doesn’t want to scare you, but there’s a big bear and she needs you to make a good choice now and do what she says.”
“Will you buy me a treat?”
“Yes, sweetie, please, go inside.”
“Where’s Daddy?”
“Mommy knows you have questions, and that’s very smart of you. I’m so proud of you. Please go inside now.”
“He’s never here! Why isn’t he here? You TOLD me he’d be here!”
“Sweetie, when you argue with me, you are making a bad choice. What did we say about bad choices? Now, you’ll have a time-out if you don’t do what I say…”
Meanwhile, the bear eats them.
Why? Because Mommy is so patient that she allowed every interaction with her child to be an exchange between equals rather than a strong wall that a child can’t breach. For her own sake.
Do you know that today, teachers must build “arguing time” into the school day? Today’s children have the habit of questioning every directive, and of course, teachers can’t just lay down the law, because then the school would be sued. So instead, they just allow more time for arguing!
{Pause to shake head.}
People often say that I must be very patient to have seven children.
Please excuse me while I roll on the floor laughing. My dear husband once informed me that he had discovered my fatal flaw. Care to guess what it is?
Hmph.
Patience is highly over-rated, and people don’t understand it at all. They think that I never yelled when my children misbehaved. That I never felt like they were ganging up on me. That I never wanted to pitch them out the window.
When really, patience is learning to accept all of that and yet still demand of yourself that you ask your children to be the obedient, kind, and smart people you know they can be. Your children teach you that kind of patience!
You don’t want them to be good children according to some model of a good child. Your goal is for each child to be the best he can be.
Don’t be so patient with your children!
{You know what I mean, right? Obviously, be patient when they ask “Why?” for the ten billionth time, or when they need to pick up one more “pretty rock” (i.e. piece of gravel), or when they are crying from a fall.}
Be patient with yourself. Forgive yourself for losing your temper and go on to be a strong demander of good behavior. Don’t react to every little thing and don’t look for affirmation from the little stinkers!
Here are some mental exercises for you to ascertain if your little ones (say, three to six, and the 2-year old would just toddle after the 4-year old because she’s modeling such good behavior) are promptly obedient:
1. My child would pick up a designated beach bag and walk towards the car if I said it was time to go, whether or not I meant that it’s dinner time or there’s a thunderstorm on the horizon.*
2. My child puts toys away at a friend’s house and gets ready to leave when I say so.**
3. My child would go inside the house if I told him to, whether or not he actually saw the bear.***
4. My child would get me the rifle or a Phillips head screwdriver without whining.
5. My child of three or four buckles himself in the carseat.
6. My child gets me a diaper for the baby.
7. My child will duck under the table if I tell him to (yes, we made our kids do this and all these things, and they’re actually fun to practice).
8. My child will stop talking if I say so.
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| These are the imperfect “sauce” ones. |
If you answered no to any of these questions, you need to read up on my thoughts on discipline.
Meanwhile, I’m going to give you a quick overview on discipline for children who are nearing or have reached the age of reason.
A child from the age of about 4 to 6 to about 11 to 13 (children differ, and girls and boys differ from each other) is in a marvelous time of latency as regards sex, violence, and world affairs.
Without getting too Freudian about it, it helps to know that, once having mastered their bodily functions (including just disintegrating, physically, when things go wrong), children enter a phase of mastering the world around them.
If you respect that and protect them from anything that will disturb this process, while at the same time helping them to grow in awareness of the needs of others, you will have the joy of experiencing truly happy, well adjusted kids.
I think about it with that almost frivolous label, manners. So often manners are something people think of as pasted on to basically narcissistic behavior: A way to manipulate others so that you get what you want and they don’t get mad at you.
But manners actually are the tip of the charity iceberg, and charity is simply treating people with that very love you would like to receive.
Of course even a one-year old can learn to say “thank you,” and that’s a great, indispensable start, but it’s a six-year old who needs to buckle down and see that people are doing things for him all day! It seems to me that if you’ve trained them in obedience when they are little, this stage offers you two challenges:
1. Getting them to be fun to be with because they are more thoughtful about others every day, wash their hands, and don’t smear ketchup on their faces, and
2. Getting them to see that although you encourage them to experiment, just because they have a bright idea about something (Daddy’s ax, Mommy’s sewing machine, the baby’s carriage and that hill, the package of nails and the toilet, etc.), they probably shouldn’t act on it without having a talk about it, because you can’t make rules about everything.
These things (#2) are hard on you and have a tendency to interrupt naps. But they aren’t that bad, and if you provide enough of an outlet for their physical energy, should be mostly avoidable.
So really, it’s about manners, isn’t it?
Standing up to greet grownups entering the room. Looking people in the eye. Not chattering incessantly. Passing food. Speaking up when asked a question and answering with clarity:
“Would you like milk or juice?”
“Umm…I don’t care…” Wrong.
Right: “Milk, please. Thank you very much, Mrs. Jones.”
“He says I have to go downstairs.” Wrong.
Right: “Mr. Jones says I have to go downstairs.”
Wearing appropriate clothes for the occasion, quieting down so that you don’t disturb the baby or others at church, eating without complaining, these are steps in figuring out that there’s a world out there you need to sit up and notice.
I actually get a fair number of emails that are along the lines of “Dear Auntie Leila, my six-year old is a handful…”
And that’s because this mom is stuck in a developmental phase. She’s been working with toddlers and things were pretty much under control! Yikes! She doesn’t realize that it’s now time for that oblivious toddler to become a man, with all the personality quirks that entails! Do you know any grownups who don’t have an agenda of their own? Who are doing what you want them to do? Of course not! And that’s as it should be.
It will take a decade or more, but it will happen. So instead of seeing everything he does as naughty, start channeling him into using up some of that energy helping you with groceries or cleaning out the car. Oh, yes, if you have kids, your car should be clean, not dirty, because kids love to play in cars.
So hand them a bag, a bottle of Windex, the vacuum, roll down the windows, set the parking brake, and watch what happens — it has to be better than the rotten state it’s in now, and you’re certainly not getting to it any time soon, if you’re anything like me.
Instead of constantly trying to get your kids to stop doing what they are doing, start teaching them positive ways of interacting with the family and the world. Demand it. Make them work instead of entertaining them all the time.
Make them go out and come in again without slamming the door. Make them say it again in a civilized voice. Tell them that you can handle it if they cry and scream, but not if they whine.
By being patient with them, you are enabling all the stuff that makes you want to ditch the whole project.
Less patience, more short, declarative sentences. More yelling, if you really need to yell, with, of course, more hugging and laughing. But if you are guiding them this way, rather than tensely and artificially trying to keep some sort of impossible peace, you won’t yell as much.
Okay, that’s my rant for today! Let’s get those kids hopping.
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*Nothing burns me up like a mom laden like a pack-horse with the kids’ beach toys and a baby, trying to herd her unruly brood to safety when there’s lightening near the water, and they won’t obey. I am mad at her — she did it to herself. My children were just as naughty, mischievous, and interested in staying as long as possible at the beach as anyone else’s. But I put the work in to convince them that they better listen to me without arguing and whining in all situations. Not that I wouldn’t give an answer to a reasonable question, or take into consideration something that was pointed out to me. But if I said move, they had to trust me and move. If they didn’t in easy, normal, non-life-threatening circumstances, they would get a spanking. That way, in tough and dangerous situations they were on my wavelength. So they were buckled in the car, eating their snacks for the drive home while all the other rotten kids were out there getting struck by lightening. It’s just how it works.
**You have to say it when you really want to go. Stop talking, and get up and go. I guarantee you if you do this five times in a row, they will always obey you cheerfully.
***It’s especially hard to get a child to go away from you, but sometimes very necessary. If your child really trusts you and has learned to be obedient, he will do it. Getting you a diaper or other things in other rooms is good practice.
Lovely post- what a blessing! I have two kids in the 'old' phase (10 and 11) and two in the little phase (1 and 3.5) I am going to bookmark this post and refer to it on those difficult days. Thank you for letting us benefit from your knowledge- I guess what I really love about your blog is that- even though you are an expert- you still encourage everybody to find their talents and strengths. it is also very important for all of us moms to realize that mommy blogs usually sugarcoat reality.
I thought that when I told you I threw the kids out the window you'd realize I'm NOT an expert ;)
But yes, everyone but me is sugar-coating ;) But if I can do it, so can you!
Finally!
Someone who tells it like it is, and doesn't hem 'haw trying to be politically correct!
:)
oops, I meant “hem 'n haw”.
I remember my dad telling us a simple morality tale at dinner one night about obeying instructions (girl + chasing a ball into the street = broken arm), and he concluded with the statement: “If you do not obey me, I cannot protect you.” That certainly wasn't the last time we heard the phrase, but it sunk in. I remember how much it surprised me the first time he said it. I was young, and however self-evident it is to parents that obedience is required for the protection of their children, it's not particularly evident to the child. It helped to have it said.
Oh, if I had a penny for each time my mother ended a “but WHY?” with a “because I said so!” Now that I can look back and see how well learning obedience from my parents has served me in life… I feel so blessed! Well stated, Auntie Leila!
Where was this advice when my first child turned six!?! I could tell what had been working was no longer working but didn't have a good compass to navigate at that point…and yet, I still find this post extremely encouraging and helpful for the 12, 11, 9 & 5 year old (I haven't totally missed it with one of them!!)…but please, soon, get to tips for the teen age years!!
Thanks so much.
I will try to get there soon, Kathleen ;)
And everyone, including those older kids, has to be working on manners (i.e. being kind to each other) all the time. What's the point of being kind to people outside the home but not the people you love the most?
As I read through your mental exercises #'s 1- 8 above, I was able to answer mostly YES,
thanks to the grace of God..
The consistent problem in our home that leaves me exasperated and feeling like I have
no creative solution is what you mention in your reply above – i.e. being kind to each other.
I have an almost 5 year old boy and a just turned 11 year old boy who are often in conflict.
They are harsh with each other; the 11 year old especially appears to harbor bitterness.
The 4 year old is physically annoying and bullying the 11 year old.
I anticipate you won't answer with vague encouragment, but with practical steps to nurture
kindness and discipline unkindness. Perhaps you have a post on this already; please point me in the right direction. Thank you!
Jacqueline, I haven't posted anything about sibling rivalry/bickering because the topic is so huge. But you can study your situation with a keen eye and lots of prayers and see some things, maybe…
It's good to say, “WE don't say that” rather than “don't say that” — to get across the point that some things aren't done. Bad interactions are a HABIT. Stop habits in their tracks, don't feed them with more talk talk talk…MAKE them have a good tone with each other unless they are outright mad.
Make it easier to talk to each other nicely than endure you stopping and starting all their conversations.
Sometimes punish the younger child.
Sometimes punish both and refuse to referee.
Talk to each one privately and encourage particular acts of kindness and patience.
With such an age difference, don't let them touch each other as a rule unless you or your husband are there to ensure that the roughhousing is in fact all in good fun. Boys can be sneakily cruel to younger boys. Even good boys…
Give the elder child privileges — it's hard not being cute, funny, and appreciated when you do the wrong thing because you're so delightful, but rather annoying and old.
Enlist the elder in appreciating the younger's antics, just because he's so mature he can handle it. (right.) Encourage him to protect his brother and stand up for him no matter what. Every boy needs someone to protect…
Thank you, dear heart! That is just the kind of practical help I was
asking for…and which I seem incapable of figuring out on my own
at times. Thank you for the help and perspective. Much appreciated!
Thanks, Jacqueline! I'm having some trouble with the comment approval function — hard to explain but a pain nonetheless — but thanks so much for this comment! I will try to get it on there, because I appreciate people taking the time to let me know what they think!
Oh, so nice to know that you have also occasionally desired to “throw them out the window” too! Ha ha! Thanks for giving us another boost for being directive parents…not patient ones…haha! Smiles!!
I love you! You are a mommy-prophet! Preach it sista! AMEN!
Keep up the good fight! ;o)
Leila,
This post was absolutely inspired by the Lord for me. yes! Our ninth child is seven and has just come to us from foster care. Until he is adopted (should be finalized by Christmas) we are very limited in our disciplinary choices. The fact is, he has been spoiled by the many people in his life who were trying to compensate for his sad life. He is a seven year old who demands the world to revolve around him like a two year old. It is quite the experience to parent him!
Thank you for saying what needs to be said. I have always been a little surprised at myself that at the ripe old age of 50 I am not more “patient” after parenting our first eight children. Yet we have children who interact and laugh and think of others…I haven't ruined them by my lack of saintliness! I am quick to ask their forgiveness when I get frustrated with them so they know that adults are people too;)…somehow, by the grace of God we have raised some wonderful people to impact the world. I'm sure it can be done with our new little guy (with the name of Gabriel of all things!! A little reminder from God, perhaps) but I certainly needed your wise reminder of what it will take!
Thanks again, I am off to track down my husband (who is cleaning the garage) to give him some much-needed encouragement.
Jill F.
Jill, you are always so sweet to me. I freely admit I know nothing about raising an adopted child. I'm sure they need affirmation and a strong wall both…but how to go about it, I don't know! The good news is that no, our children are not ruined by our lack of saintliness, or we'd be in trouble. But they can be ruined by our cowardice…
Oh, how I wish I'd known these things when my “children” were small. They are now 17 and 15. Though they are basically good kids (I am complimented on them frequently) and I wouldn't trade them (at least not today!) there are things I realize I goofed on terribly – showing too much patience was one thing. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and mentoring even us older moms.
I have NEVER wanted to throw my four-year old twins out the window. Never! ;)
Thank you for this awesome post. I am posting this on my Facebook page for all my friends to read.
Shannon in Austin
You are my kind of woman Leila!! I am so sick and tired of the way psychologists (who never have more than 2 children themselves) have hijacked parenting advice. It is all stuff that seems like it was developed for the mentally ill.
You, on the other hand, are a real honest to goodness MOM in the best sense of the word. Who other than a real mother would write this paragraph?:
“Patience is highly over-rated, and people don't understand it at all. They think that I never yelled when my children misbehaved. That I never felt like they were ganging up on me. That I never wanted to pitch them out the window”
Lol!
I like that you encourage us to demand the best from our kids. Love them, kiss them, but make them do it right.
Love you!
I needed to hear this *today*. My beautiful little girl is about to turn 6 and she is a handful. This was the exact right combination of reassurance and instruction that I needed, *today*. Thank you.
Brilliant, as always.
Thanks for the encouragement!
This Thursday, Sept. 9th, EWTN's 90-minute “Life on the Rock” will be broadcasting live from Lander, WY with a show on Wyoming Catholic College. It is will air 6pm Pacific time and can also be seen online.
Sorry, that got pasted in by mistake! And my orginal post is lost in a vast hole. Must have been God's will.
hmmmm…
i really needed this right now.
as one boy is scrubbing the toilet and the other is in the corner for some bad brother behavior-bigger vs. little brother-cane and abel style stuff-so this makes me feel good….about being less patient. and not putting up with the bad behaviour. thanks for the honesty!
I so needed to hear this now. My daughter is 7, and we just got back from a weekend trip to Chicago (about a 5 hour drive). For whatever reason, when we travel, she acts up more than usual. Her whining knew no bounds this weekend. Her problem is interrupting and explaining instead of just saying yes mommy and doing it.
I think she would be eaten by the bear. *sigh* I really don't know what to do about her talking back and interrupting. Spanking has never worked.
Well, Syd, she's getting too old to spank now anyway, so just work on stopping everything until she does what you want, including talking. Just wait for her to say “yes, mom” without arguing. Tell her she can tell you anything she wants after she obeys. And remind her (as I'm sure you do) that interrupting is rude. Big girls try not to interrupt. And read her Little House! :)
I have an interrupter/explainer, too, but she’s 14. I’ve been reading through old comments, looking for something that will apply to older kids- mine are 14, 16, 20, and 22 and I’m seeing the fruits of being too patient. Have you addressed older kids in other posts? I love your approach and your writing and need to address several issues going on with my kiddos!
I live for these blog posts from you!! (okay, that may be a little exaggeration…but only a little!). I needed to hear this because I have been over critical lately of both myself and my husband for our “lack of patience”. I think maybe our mistake is to be impatient with too many words….it turns into a lecture more than it needs to. It should be more action and less talk, right? Anyway, my 8, 6, and 4 year old get compliments all the time at Mass and at restaurants, but take them to the grocery store and they fall apart!! I need to work on those examples of getting them to obey without argument or hesitation.
Thanks again for your bold honesty!
Yes, fewer words.
Before you go in, tell them that you will get one food item at the end as a treat IF they don't bug you. They can't ask for anything other than that one thing (and they have to agree on it) because you can't afford to get so much extra stuff and anyway it's obnoxious. Give them each a list of things to get for you (I used to give the 4-yr old a few things in drawing form). Remind them that it's important not to upset others with bad behavior (“our family honor is at stake!”). Tell them you'll leave instantly if they misbehave and they'll get a spanking when you get home, or, in the case of the older ones, an extra chore right away.
It will be worth it to do these things — you won't have to do them after the first few times.
Excellent post!!! I think I raised my children more like this but my daughter-in-law is driving me nuts with having to have a “conversation with a 3 year old!” over everything!! For fear she might damage the 3 year old's “self esteem”!!!!! Give me a break!!
OOh, patience. As an incredibly impatient-by-nature woman who has been blessed with six children (13 to 2), I often receive comments such as, “How do you do it?” and “Oh I could never have six kids, I just don't have the patience.” Over the years of perplexity about how to respond, it occurred to me that patience is, in fact, a spiritual muscle. Some people are born with a naturally larger “patience muscle”, but you can build yours up. And how do you build a muscle? Repetitive stress. In other words, giving it something pretty dang heavy and then making it work again and again.
Am I patient now? Not really, but gaining, I think, just from the desire to be so and God's grace to continue working on it.
(no time to read all the comments – sorry – I'll come back)
I LOVE this post! You are such a good mentor. Could you talk more about how to get a chattering incessantly child to quiet down around adults who are talking? I”m looking key phrases to say to her or short concepts to explain the manners I want. One of hte problems is that when my girl interrupts an adult conversation I'm having, the other adult often allows it and gives attention to my daughter's interruption! ACK! I do allow my daughter to talk my ear off around the house.
Why not simply inform your daughter that it is not polite to interrupt? You can give her a reasonable consequence, such as having to sit apart from the group until she can rejoin without interrupting, or whatever you feel is appropriate for her age and maturity level, and then you must follow through. You may have to excuse yourself from the conversation momentarily, but don't make a big issue about it. Just as was described in the post, about children picking up and getting ready to leave, you may have to repeat this a few times, but a simple, straightforward and short explanation beforehand, a calm, prompt and consistent correction, because you love her enough to teach her what she needs to know, will be more helpful to both of you than letting your child control your conversations.
Ours are taught that it is not all about them, and that interrupting is rude. However, something that has helped in our home is the “interupt” rule. We teach our children that they may come up and place their hand (not tap, that makes me crazy) on our shoulder or arm to let us know they have something to say. We acknowledge them by placing our hand over theirs, and look at them when it is their turn to speak. We also gave them the out of saying, “emergency” if it is a situation that needs our immediate attention. We are still working on this happening correctly, but it helps.
Yes- the hand thing! That’s how my sisters and I were taught to respectfully “interrupt,” and I do it to this day! It works great with interrupting husband conversations, too!
Thank you for this post. I have a 12, 10, 9, and 3 year old and feel like I am a crazy woman sometimes trying to deal with all their different ages and personaliites. But you have reminded me that I AM THE MOMMA. Sometimes you just have to remember that and act on it. Thank you!
Thank you ~ sometimes it's nice to hear I am not damaging my children by expecting obedience & good manners (once I've actually trained them, that is). Considering what most of the world is telling parents nowadays…..this post is just what many parents need to hear!
great post! you expressed this very well! thanks:)
i am a big laura ingalls fan and this particular story from the series has always stuck with me. I have always been determined to be like this with my own children (my parents were also like this although there were no bears involved) I now have a 10 month old daughter and am still as determined as ever to be like ma. I am so pleased I found your blog, it is so hard to find real advice about child raising these days.
I truly believe you are doing your children a disservice by reasoning with them. i used to be a teacher and i dreaded going to school because 99% of the children had an inflated sense of self. It was almost as if they believed they were adults because they were able to control their homes and classrooms (teachers these days have very little control, one school i worked at bought raincoats for the year 1 teacher and her teacher aide because the teachers were not allowed to discipline a 6 year old who spat at them whenever he didn't want to work)
I am sure we have all been subjected to patient parenting at the supermarket or while out and about. I recall being seated behind a woman and her toddler on a plane years ago and the entire trip i had to listen to the woman point everything out to the child and explain everything that was happening. After several hours i wanted to scream at her to let the child be, he probably would have come up with much more interesting observations about the flight than she could have and what was wrong with giving him an activity to do and expecting that he would occupy himself quietly anyway?
I believe it is almost a right of passage for a child to dream about the day they will be the adults and all the rules they would like to change.
your idea about the car is brilliant too! i have thought that even very young children should work alongside mum and dad doing everyday chores. I think it is essential that they learn to cook and clean and garden and contribute in some way to the running of the household without pocket money being involved.
i will definately be checking your blog regularly from now on, thankyou!
Hi Jess!
Yes, I love your anecdote. That airplane mama is actually harming her child's intelligence by never allowing him peace and quiet. She doesn't believe that he has an inner life of his own! She thinks she is supplying it!! Foolish woman.
And it is exasperating. If everyone on the plane — or store, or church, or restaurant — did that, there would be no tolerating it. Is it really possible that correct parenting entails uninterrupted annoyance to others??
Oh my…
As a mommy of children right about that age: thank you! What a wonderful post. Very wise words!!
Wow. You should write a book. I needed this one. Thank you!
-FringeGirl
This is a mom-changing post. Thank you for your thoughts, and the time you put into this post!
Thanks! Mine is 6, so we are in the less patient (you've been in this world long enough to know) stage. It's great to have a learned mom encourage me. I do start feeling like “am I doing this right?”.
I love this. It is just what I needed to hear. My almost-4-year-old loves the Little House series, and just this week I used the incident of Ma and the bear to help her understand why she needs to obey me (instantly). (The story of cousin Charlie comes in handy, too!) Despite my admiration for the parenting skills of Ma, I have to admit that I'm not always that great on insisting on instant obedience, mostly because I'm either busy, exhausted, or lazy, sadly. Your wise words help motivate me to insist, impatiently, as my girl grows older and is able to be more responsible.
Oh yeah. I love this post. Last year I re-read Little House by listening on tape (totally cheating, but it made car rides fun). I was SO struck by this incident in the same way you are–many kids today would be eaten by the bear.
My late-talking son is now three and enjoys attempting to argue with and contradict me. It took me a week or two to realize my sweet baby was now yanking my chain! He's so clever! And though younger than the true age of reason, many of your thoughts here are wholly applicable to a quick-thinking boy of three. Right now my focus tends to be on obedience (and when he obeys without argument I say THANK YOU FOR OBEYING!) because this is really how I can keep him safe. Consistency seems to be the key. I never threaten a spanking unless I'm willing to follow through (like in the parking lot the other day when he suddenly decided to dash away from me, knowing full well that is highly egregious and dangerous behavior–and yes, I popped him on the bum, and he figured it out and within 30 seconds went from sniffling to just fine again and obeying). Miraculously, though spankings are *truly* few and far between, he seems to get my drift–especially when I use the Forboding Spanking May Be Imminent tone. No false promises and no empty threats, and so far no one has been eaten by a bear.
Thank you!!! I agree, basic manners even my new 3 year old has learned only after incessant repetition. Parents we have as guests look so surprised when a crying fit is cut short by, “No, ask properly.” “Please may I have juice?” I feel so proud of that! The almost 6 year old is more of a challenge, though. Always talking back! and questioning! I think I need to read this post and the “I told you so” one every morning until I am better trained!
What we try to teach our children when they need to interrupt an adult conversation is to put their hands on our arm, then wait patiently. When there is a lull/break in the conversation we turn to them to see what they need. The exception is when there is something 'urgent', like a child in danger outside or a fire etc.
Leila,
I don't know how I found your blog but I'm obsessed with it. I have so been needing that wisdom that can only be passed down from one generation to the next. No one in my family seems to have any interest in doing so.
If you ever have the chance, I'd like to see a blog post about the friends your kids bring home. What if the friend comes from a family wrought with problems such as divorced parents with the mother living with the boyfriend, lack of discipline issues etc. Do you see your home as a place where these kids would be welcome or is it just inviting trouble? I guess I'm struggling with being a good Christian and not wanting the bad influence in my home or around my kids.
Also, strategies on picky eaters and kids who get out of bed repeatedly after lights out at night would be appreciated as well. I have 3 girls who are 10, 8, and 1.
Lisa
needed this one today! well timed…
Thanks to this post, I am a new follower. My son is two and is already testing the waters so to speak. Thank you for your guidance. :)
What an excellent post! I wholeheartedly agree with all of it. The only thing I would add is that, if you truly want obedient children, you have to be obedient yourself. You can't seriously expect them to just obey you unless you obey the set of disciplining rules your have thoughtfully and carefully laid out for yourself to follow. For instance, if you want them to obey you the first time, obey your own rules and spank them (for us, it's a spanking) the first time they disobey. Don't count to three, don't threaten, and don't give second (or third or fourth) chances. They'll know you're not really serious about it.
Thanks again for the great pointers!
This is awesome. Comforting and encouraging to me as a mother of six, knowing someone like you also knows the feeling of wanting to pitch them out the window… and also, wise and encouraging. Train them up, don't manage their feelings all the time. Help them become responsible people, don't just try to survive childhood and hope it all magically goes away someday when they are older!
“When really, patience is learning to accept all of that and yet still demand of yourself that you ask your children to be the obedient, kind, and smart people you know they can be. Your children teach you that kind of patience!”
New follower. Please, keep writing
Emily ” target=”_blank”>http://www.weakandloved.com
Love. It.
Love it!! Thank you for standing up and saying what needs to be said.
Just wanted you to know that I pinned this article. This is how I think about parenting, and I love that someone else said it as well!
I figured pinning this was a good (non judging) way of sharing it with my friends.
Also a great way to refresh my memory to check your blog regularly.
Thank you!
Just wanted you to know that I pinned this article. This is how I think about parenting, and I love that someone else said it as well!
Found you through Blessed Among Men, and you are AWESOME. Will write you an email in a little while…
1. My child would pick up a designated beach bag and walk towards the car if I said it was time to go, whether or not I meant that it's dinner time or there's a thunderstorm on the horizon.* NOT ALWAYS EACH CHILD EVERY TIME :(
2. My child puts toys away at a friend's house and gets ready to leave when I say so.** YES- IT'S ALWAYS MORE FUN TO CLEAN UP OITHER PEOPLE'S TOYS IF THEY ARE NOT YOUR OWN, SO WE NEED TO WORK ON SAME IN OUR OWN HOME! LOL!
3. My child would go inside the house if I told him to, whether or not he actually saw the bear.***NOT EVERY TIME :(
4. My child would get me the rifle or a Phillips head screwdriver without whining. OH YEAH!!! ANY EXCUSE TO GO UNLOCK THE SHOP!
5. My child of three or four buckles himself in the carseat. EHHHHH….NEED TO WORK ON THIS AS A SKILL, NOT OBEDIENCE- I HAVE BEEN LETTING OLDER SIBLINGS LOCK HIM IN BECAUSE IT'S FASTER. :(
6. My child gets me a diaper for the baby. MY 5 YEAR OLD ONCE CHANGED HER TODDLER BROTHER'S DIAPER WHEN I DIDN'T MOVE FAST ENOUGH AND IT WAS POOPY!
7. My child will duck under the table if I tell him to (yes, we made our kids do this and all these things, and they're actually fun to practice). HAVEN'T TRIED THIS ONE.
8. My child will stop talking if I say so. MOMENTARILY
Hi Leila!
I am a new reader and lover of the blog. Thanks for your great writing, tips and friendliness!
I have 2 questions:
1. (related) Is witholding dinner from a child an okay form of discipline at a certain point? For example, if the child is being obedient repeatedly or something and you say “Fine, you don't get to eat dinner, you'll spend the evening in your room.” Or something similar.
2. (unrelated) Do you have any tips for newlywed women starting to get their husbands on board with the kinds of systems you recommend (hampers, laundry flow, chores)? I foresee children in the future, but right now it is just me and him and I still need him to get into habits of the way our household will flow. I don't want to get into the habit of nagging or reprimanding him, especially because I don't want to do it in front of our (future) kids. Do you know what I mean?
Thanks so much!
Natalia
Hi Natalia, welcome!
1. Making a child go to bed without dinner is obviously a time-honored, if seemingly severe, punishment. I would not rule it out, but I would have you keep two things in mind: 1. you should be sure that the naughtiness is not brought on by hunger, in which case what you ought to do is force-feed the child and 2. if you aren't reasonably sure that the child has eaten enough that day and/or is more or less just so tired that he will go right to sleep, you should send someone up (yourself or, say, a sibling with a relationship that could use some boosting) with a tray of bread and butter and a glass of milk. Mercy that comes after a period of reflection, as long as the punishment has been well and truly administered, will bring about a more grateful heart.
2. I do know what you mean! As you set up your home, discuss the things and get into the habit of respecting each other's interesting ideas about how to run the house, using this time to cultivate the habit of entering into things together, you will find that any lapses do not matter that much. Children will bring things into line. Start with your own reactions and responses and see how it goes!
God bless!
Thanks very much for your response, Leila! You are wonderfully wise.
Pax.
You should add to your post on fixing a bad day, “do a search on this blog and read whatever comes up.” Seriously everytime I'm having a rough time, I come here and get a little encouragement to keep trying (even when it all seems so useless) and real advice…
…Today has been a doozy of a day. I'm 6 months pregnant and have a 6, 4 and 21 month old. We are in our first year of homeschooling, our water is just back on after a week of it being off due to a leaky pipe, the front yard is torn up because of said pipe, I could go on and on, and that has nothing to do with today, really….
…My 6 year old is super sweet and affectionate, he loves his sisters, but he is truly a pain sometimes. He argues with me over everything, whines constantly, and when he gets mad, watch out (sort of like his mama!). I find myself yelling and screaming often, and my new years resolution was to “Say it once and act when needed” which has really helped to keep me calm. But today I slipped back into my old habits on top of deciding to be very picky about everything. Today was also the day that we have had two very large water spills in the kitchen (one my own and one my son's). Anyway, your line “Forgive yourself for losing your temper and go on to be a strong demander of good behavior.” really resonated with me. I have asked his forgiveness (twice actually, as I lost it twice today already) sent everyone to bed for naps and resolve to expect good behavior in spite of my failings. It's a relief to know that there is still hope for my children (through grace) with a faulty mother like me!
My 6 yr old would LOVE it if I would hand him the vacuum and turn him loose on the car. I can't wait to do this!! I'd love to turn him loose on the house too, but our vacuum is too heavy (even for me sometimes).
I would love to read your thoughts on discipline but the hyperlink is not taking me there? This article makes me feel so much better about my day. I see signs that it is sinking in from time to time. Mine are 5, 3 (almost 4), 1 (almost 2) the 6 year old and his attitude take the majority of it these days. So this makes a lot of sense.