Yesterday's post was incoherent even by my parenthesis-wielding standards.
I think yard work makes my brain a little woozy.
Since the kind of blogs we like to read are the ones with pretty pictures featuring awesome yard sale finds, fabulous food ideas, and vintage quilts, I surmise that all the vast readership of Like Mother, Like Daughter share our taste.
Yet, I will now not talk about those things.
Even if it means that you will click away for a place with shots of retro curtains blowing through a cottage window, I just have to tell you one thing.
A truly happy home is one in which the people love each other and enjoy each others' company.
So, you know what is the one “technique” I witness the most for getting a kid to behave? The one most moms rely on, as far as I can see?
The one that DOES. NOT. WORK. ?
It goes like this: Mom is shopping, sitting in the dentist's office trying to read a magazine, or chatting with other moms at Princess's dance class.
Eventually, she notices that her darlings, who are, let's say, between the ages of 3 and 8, are Not Behaving.They are whining.
They are bickering.
They are hungry.
The are bored.
They are brats.And at that moment she whips it out:
The Weapon of Mass Destruction of All that is Meaningful to Her.
She actively engages in tearing down her own house and sowing her fields with the salt of discontent. She says, without a flicker of thought:
“If you don't stop, you won't watch a movie tonight [get ice cream, go to Disney on Ice tonight with Grandma, get a toy, go to Six Flags next week, play a video game….WHATEVER].”
Now, let's take a look at all the reasons this is a terrible thing to say to a child.1. Has she ever been a child? Does she not know how deadly boring it is to be dragged to the grocery store or to be made to wait for eons while some pointless activity, such as waiting in a waiting room, is being carried out?
Did she plan for this inevitable boredom? Did she bring a coloring book, a book, a toy she keeps just for this type of moment? Could she take a walk with them, look out the window with them, produce a snack?
Does she show any humanity whatsoever in acknowledging to this child, this fruit of her womb and suffering, this hope of her future, that she has indeed put him in a wretched situation over which he has no control and is developmentally unable to see beyond?Does she really think that a six-year-old has the whole picture of his day in mind? Has motherhood really taught her so little?
Does she make any effort to express to him her intention to keep things as short as possible, to get him out of the mess she's gotten him into, to go so far as to cut short her own enjoyment (if such is what she is experiencing at the moment in a conversation or perusal of goods) in order to make his suffering less, if he will just stick with her a little longer?2. Did she take a look to see if he is still bundled up in his winter coat, hat, mittens, scarf, and boots while being dragged through some overheated godforsaken temple of doom that sucks up all her attention; does she even realize that he's burning up and can't tell her, because he's only four, and developmentally unable to separate his desperate boredom from his physical distress?
Does she look at her watch to notice that it's lunchtime, and then remember that he only had a bowl of cereal for breakfast, and that while she's pawing through the clearance rack he's reacting to a dip in blood sugar that would make even an adult crabby?
Has she packed a protein snack — a few nuts and a half an apple, a piece of cheese and a dried apricot or two, a granola bar — to tide him over?
Does she seriously have so little mercy that she would go so far as to say to him, “you should have eaten your lunch” when it's now 5:30, with no end in sight to this nightmare they are in?
3. Did she notice that the warning signs of this full-blown whiny crabby state actually began about fifteen minutes ago, and that up until then he actually behaved remarkably well for a prisoner with no recourse to due process?
Did she take any steps to ward off this terrible behavior with remedies for his physical state, sympathy for his plight, or distractions for his mind? Or does she react to him only out of habit, when she notices strangers or persons wholly indifferent to her ultimate happiness (the other ladies at baseball practice or the doctor's office) casting disapproving glances her way?
Had she told him before they arrived exactly what she expected of him? Had she warned him of likely consequences before the meltdown began?
Does she have no insight into the injustice of such lopsided values?4. Speaking of injustice, does she know that her threats can only produce bitterness in one too young to truly understand all the consequences of his behavior?
If she has been so foolish as to promise a far-off good (for what can he know of those? and what if uncontrollable circumstances render them moot?), what can withholding it teach a person whose horizon is at the maximum 10 minutes?
Does she know that he will only taste the bitterness of the dawning realization that this person who should know and love him best is willing to take away things that seem impossibly good — for no reason that he can see.
Small children are naughty.
They are naughty for a variety of reasons, only a very few of which stem directly from their will.
If the reasons come rather from externalities (boredom, discomfort, hunger, helplessness), what control do they have over them?
If they stem from their will, what does revoking distant rewards accomplish?
Better to give a spanking then and there, risking imprisonment, most likely, than to engage in such futile efforts as threatening to take something distant and wonderful away.
But better still to have known that such behavior was at least a possibility, and to have taken steps to prevent it, if only out of self preservation!
5. What are her motives, anyway?
Either it really pains her to have to deprive her child of a good — and I guess we would all like to think that we are so very selfless when we have recourse to this method — or there is some calculation going on here that doesn't reflect well on this lady's purity of character.
Is there a tiny bit of her — and I've been here too — that wakes from a stupor of laziness and just wants some control, and just wants a little revenge? Is there a part of her wonderful crystal soul that wants to get back at these creatures who are preventing her from just shopping in peace or just reading a magazine?
And does she really think that the child of her bosom doesn't sense this weakness, and won't exploit it to its fullest?
Because he will. Because, most of all,6. It doesn't work.
Like I said, they can't think that far ahead, so they are reacting (if they do) to the fact of the threat, not the meaning. It's a little dance they've danced before.
If they cry, they appease her for a second, and nothing gets solved. They are still bored, hot, hungry, and crabby.If they are defiant, they get her rolling with a whole host of threatening gestures that make her look very dumb — their revenge. They are completely in control!
If she threatens something silly, they don't really care, and anyway, whining really works on her, as they know — they can get her to give in on the ice cream.
I've seen moms who threatened to withhold desserts hand them over before the meal — after being worked on by a skilled operator.
If she threatens something huge, they know they can work it around. No way is she ruining Grandma's evening out, so they know that's bluster. No way will she cancel vacation — they know Dad will bail them out of that one.
A young child doesn't have the long view, so none of this crosses their mind at the time, but habit will give them the assurance that things will work out in their favor, even if they can't figure it out right away. So anyone who uses this “technique” is —
–training her children to outwit her.And the final proof that it doesn't work is that there she is, the next time, in the same rut with them — not planning, not thinking ahead, ignoring, and then threatening.
(And not incidentally, showing them that consideration of strangers' comfort is of no consequence.)
I sit with her at every game. I see her every week at the store. I have seen all of this, and done a little of it myself.
And, saddest of all, I see that she doesn't enjoy being with her kids, because they are always misbehaving and never listening. It's possible that occasions will arise when you need to take away a treat. Keep counsel with yourself and wait and see. If justice demands that you do so, show your children that you are sorry that they can't enjoy something they had looked forward to.And please, for the love of all that is peaceful and holy, think of something else to do to get them to behave! I will help you.
Pippajo says
First, I love parentheses. I would not be able to communicate without them. Don't hate the parentheses.Second, considering the kinds of blogs you like, why on earth do you ever read mine? I used to have photos of pretty things on mine, but we've been in a kind of pretty thing drought over here lately. You must be coming over out of pity! But I'll take it.Third, well said, once again. I admit, I've been guilty of such naughty Mom behavior. And you're right, it doesn't work. But, thankfully, for the most part, our family does enjoy each other's company (with the occasional exception of Redheaded Snippet who is, of course, a newly minted teenager and here I go with the parentheses again).Okay, must go, but am glad to see you still have time for posts midst all the wedding furor that is going on over there!
Jen says
I see you have thought about this just a little bit! Such insight…and I know I have been there before. Hopefully not too often. Very good for me to hear right now as I am really struggling with disciplining my six year old daughter. She has some issues since she was neglected and abandoned as an infant/toddler–she came into my home at 23 months, but some of our problems just come from simple things…and because I go about things the wrong way sometimes…!Thanks for sharing your experience and insight once again.
Mama Hen says
I am sure there is not a mom alive who has not done one or all of these things at some time. We are human too. But, we ARE the mom. We are the ones who have to be selfless and care and love for that child. We are the ones who must discpline when it is not conveient. We are the ones who must see the big picture (when those little ones can not). You have hit the nail on the head. I think it gets easier to prepare for outings and anticipate when meltdowns are going to happen the more children you have. Just because you get more experience with different personalities. But, we ARE the moms and it is our responsiblity to guide, love, protect, care for (such as the hot coats) and think rationally for these little ones when they can't speak for themselves. It is not our responsibility to make sure our friends are having a good time talking with us. Thank you for this great reminder to me personally.
MomE says
Being prepared really makes a difference! Not that I never revert to the 'old ineffective ways but…Today, we're going to the nursing home…cuz MomE is playing for the service…sure hope they are kind and loving…and sit as well as a 2 and 3 yr old can! Pray for me…that no matter what I don't say a stupid threatening word!
Lydia Johnson says
Oh! this made me laugh. So funny and true. I love your sense of humor about life, that's what often gets us through our difficult moments. I know your child's perspective of being a prisoner will pop into my head on our next shopping trip. Thank you for making me laugh this morning.
~Bren~ says
I loved your May 25th post titled, Dear Aristotle….This one is just as good. My first 2 children (now adults) were wonderfully behaved and I felt blessed to be the proud Mama of 2 little boys who would go with whatever flow I threw at them. Then we adopted 2 children, now 12 and 7, and they are both "naughty" regularly. I look forward to your promised help….I tend to use the method that does not work…and you are right….it does NOT work!
Freckled Hen says
I have an impatient child living within me. I often bribe it with ice cream…this works well!Your words are spot on today. How about a post dedicated to teenagers? I often feel lost. My girls are so emotional–happy, sad, and everything in between. It's hard to raise teens and toddlers at the same time.
Sue says
Such wise words. It really doesn't work, does it? The whole being prepred thing has sometimes been hard for this fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants Mommy! God is teaching me, and often uses experienced Moms like you to bring a point home. Thank you so much for sharing your heart, wisdom, and experience. Since many of us don't have anyone in real life to be a guide and voice of reason, we need ladies like you who aren't afraid to speak the truth!
Erika says
I agree 100%…but also struggle in this area regularly. Like this afternoon when I had to bring them to work with me. My youngest are 12 year old boy/girl twins and they are a very effective team, so I would also love a post about older kids. I mean, if you have some spare time… 😉
*Michigan Momma* says
I really needed to read this today. Some things you said really hit very close to home….unfortunately.Thank you for laying it out there for me to see….even the really ugly stuff ~ I needed it!I pray I remember this over the next few weeks as we move into our new home….with five lil' ones and lots of stress, I could end up threatening EVERYONE around me….and what good would *that* do?!? ;)THanks~Lori
Decadent Housewife says
I made a point of treating my children as if they were adults from the time they were born. Of course, adults in various stages of development. It worked.
Elaine says
Fabulous post. I have children of 9,7, and 5. I also tend to use the immediate ridiculous threat, such as, "if you don't …xyz… then I will hang you out of the window by one toe," and though I don't think I particularly use the WMD of treat withdrawal, I really appreciated your reminders of how we should anticipate and consider the needs of our children. I sometimes tell myself, "Someone has to be the adult here – and it's YOU!"Found this blog only recently and am relishing it!
Jules says
Thank you for this reminder! It comes at a needed time – school is almost over and summer antsy-ness is beginning to come on!
Val says
Ouch! Ow! Stop stepping on my mommy toes!! LOLA painful, and timely, reminder that I am responsible for my children's wild behaviour in the store. From now on I'll do my best to bring a snack and a toy for each of them. It's a vicious cycle….it takes a while, they get bored and act up, then it takes longer because they must be corrected. And….it's my fault. Thanks for this. I'm also gonna go thank my mom for emailing me the link to this post. I guess she knew I needed to hear it.: )
Suzanne says
Sometimes us newer moms need some wisdom from those who've been there. My mom had six kids, and I love that she doesn't hesitate to pass on mothering advice to me when needed. Sometimes things just don't "occur" to me in the midst of a maddening situation with one of my toddlers (i.e. my mom sometimes reminds me that it's not the child's fault that he/she is up past bedtime, missed a nap, etc.). My children are three, two and nine months, and in the event that I must go to the grocery with all three, I have to have a plan. I know it can't be a long trip and I know I won't be putting much in my cart (there's no room anyway because it's filled with kids)! Anyway, I've been a lurker on your blog for a while now, so I thought I'd fess up and let you know I enjoy reading your posts.
Cass @ That Old Hous says
Brava! Funny, true, and beautifully written as well… you are absolutely right, and this post should be required reading for every first time parent.My grandmother — who was born in 1874 — told my mother, who told me: "Don't expect your children to understand on an adult level; they can't. But YOU can understand on a child's level; you have been there!"My kids are "old and used" now and beyond needing that kind of discipline, but neither of them is in jail, so we must have done something right. I credit the wisdom passed to me from my mother.Lovely blog! CassCass
Haus Frau says
I just discovered your blog tonight and want to thank you for this post. I am going to rethink how to stock my diaper bag from now on!
Deborah says
Leila, your writing is a delight to read; not just the wisdom and sanity of its content, but the writing itself. I never read an essay of Rosie's, but I do not doubt that with such a teacher her prose must be pithy and limpid.The photos are also beautiful.Please keep posting!
Kristin G. says
Auntie Leila – Where have you been all my life! I have fallen into this rut – and worse…most of the time, I realize how unfair it was so I let them "earn it back"…which basically has made the whole thing into a game! You have tremendous wisdom! When I stumbled upon you, I knew you would be a grace for me! I mentioned you to my mom and it turns out she knows you from retreats ! I have you as a favorites now, so I have so much to look forward to! GOd bless! -Kristin, homeschooling mom of 5 in Manassas, VA
Anonymous says
so true… i've known this, and it was easy to implement when i had just 2 babies, but with now 5 in 5 years i've lost sight of remembering to have everything ready for them. i used to have a bag packed for each of them on the go, i guess that me being organized is a good thing. i received so much criticism from family and friends that i questioned what i knew worked and gave up on a lot of things that i wish i wouldn't have given up on. it became survival mode (or what i thought was survival mode), when in reality we were thriving and happy not just surviving…thank you for such an awesome reminder to put me back on track.
Anonymous says
I totally agree! Not keeping promises it the number one worst parenting mistake. Children learn that their parents do not mean business when they fail to keep promises- whether they be good or bad. And yes, I am calling these empty threats "promises."