Since the temperature got up to 90* the other day, I (re-) deployed that apotheosis of intentional decorating, my kitchen window mistreatment (nod to The Nester).
You just have to imagine it let down. It's too hard to take a picture of that way.
When I first conceived this solution, I wanted to use this fabric:
But darling as it is, it's not bold enough for this spot.
This little embroidered tablecloth is perfect!
So much satisfaction from a problem solved…it's not so easy when it comes to raising children, is it?
This post is going to be long, but it could be a lot longer…I already have written in my head several chapters on how many ways there are to go wrong before you ever even get to the child himself.
{For instance, as adults are we disciplined? Do the parents have a strong, loving relationship with each other?
Because if you are always bickering and rude to each other, let me tell you, your kids will be brats. (Although, truthfully, there are many ways to get bratty children. Some of the most loving people have bratty children! That's because they are sweet but sort of wimpy, and children will take advantage of just about everything.)
Do we understand child development — what to expect of a six-year old? a twelve-year old?
What about the importance of the physical and emotional bond between mother and child; the less obvious but crucial interaction between father and child?
Can we distinguish between a behavioral problem and one of low blood sugar or lack of sleep? Are the children bored into mischief?
Also, there is the issue of the differences between children. Some are too tenderhearted for a spanking; others practically need to be spanked on a regular schedule! Check out my worksheet on spanking before you send me vituperative emails 🙂
But I can't talk about all that in one blog post.
You have to take it as read, or wait and be patient for me to cover all that ground.}
For now I'll say this:
We need to be clear on the goal.
Here's the goal (it's two-fold): To enjoy a bit of peace at home, and to be able to tell God that you took seriously the obligation to train your child to be virtuous — which, as dear Aristotle reminds us, is the ability to do the right thing for its own sake.
And, as that wise one also says, this is all a matter of habit — not only for children, but for anyone. Thank goodness, because there is no way to instill in someone the desire to do right for its own sake. You can only lead this horse to water.
Habits must be formed, we're not born with them! Yet, we all do all sorts of things for all sorts of reasons.
All human actions have one or more of these seven causes: chance, nature, compulsions, habit, reason, passion, desire. — Aristotle
So you know, your kids might be nice by chance (does chance exist? — please, not now!), or by an accident of genes. Okay, lucky you. Will they always be so? Something to ponder.
Of the things in that list you can control, you might get some human action out of them because you are always yelling, because you are always convincing (begging, pleading, bribing) them to be, because you are always angry with them and threatening them, or because they crave the ability to be good — but — this doesn't happen until they are so old that it does you no good for enjoying your family now, and then they still face the difficulty of acquiring habits!
Better to give them the habits pronto. (Don't get me wrong. You will also yell, beg, threaten, plead, and bribe, but you will do so on a much reduced scale.)
{The very first habit a child must learn is prompt obedience.}
Even a very young child can learn to obey the first time. Because most parents don't really believe this, they don't even try!
They never tell an 18-month old to pick something up please and bring it to Mommy. They never tell a one-year old to stop the dangerous squirming on the changing table. They never tell a 7-month old not to pull Mommy's hair. They don't understand that it's well worth putting the baby down to get up and get the toddler off the table with a spanking. If you make up your mind to do this for one week, you will nurse the baby in peace for a year. With the toddler playing happily nearby.
Did you snicker when I told you that a two-year old can put laundry in the proper hamper? Now, you have to be patient and walk along with him and help him do it. Maybe you have to coax, cajole, and sing dirty laundry songs for a month! You might have to smack if he defies you.
But if you are convinced that it's the habit of obedience that will make your life easier in the end, you will regard it as a worthwhile investment. You will overcome your laziness (I'm on to you! I wonder why :).
Foolish parents constantly react to (or ignore) their children's misbehavior, instead of taking the time to instill good behavior.
They constantly seek affirmation from their children, and so are either afraid of administering the punishment necessary, or retreat after doing so out of surprise that their children show them attitude.
Attitude is what I define as a reaction that you can safely ignore or call out (“Young lady, stop that whining!”), but never take seriously — never let affect your own will.
A child who's told no in a firm calm voice — and you do try that first, right? — may sass! Are you surprised? Just ignore, wait, and insist.
A child who's spanked will seem devastated, crying loudly! Are you grown-up enough for this? Are you mature enough to acknowledge that it's unlikely your three-year-old will thank you for a punishment? Just look at him from way on high and know that some day he actually will thank you for loving him. Just not now.
Remember our passage from Scripture? Whom God loves, He disciplines (or, more strongly, chastises). So that they will be sons and not slaves (or bastards), remember? Bite the bullet already!
And all discipline, at the time, seems not to bring joy! But pain!
We just have to wrap our minds around this:
Discipline at first seems hard, not only to the person being disciplined, but also to the person doing the discipline. So often we shy away from the reality that of those choices up in that list of what motivates actions, we have to choose the hard ones.
Do you back down or never begin?
This retreat from clear duty does two things:
1. It gives the child power over you, which in turn creates anxiety, since even he knows that such a state of things is disordered. You plunge into a vicious vortex of testing on his part, backing down on yours, and anxiety, ever increasing, ever controlling.
2. It deprives him of the rest of the promise of that passage: But in the end discipline brings the peaceable fruit of justice!
This promise meets the two parts of our goal.
First, there will be peace in the home, right away.
Second, the wise Aristotle says that all virtue can be expressed as this: doing what is just!
So the peaceable fruit of justice is… virtue! Got it?
Mama Hen says
Your kitchen and your mistreatment is so pretty.
Leila says
She means of the window! Mistreatment of the window!Not of the kids!Right?
Sue says
Great post! So many parents need to hear that. I know that I struggle with plain, sinful laziness. It just takes a lot of time and energy to discipline correctly and consistantly. I have to ask God to give me the discipline to discipline lots of times, and that's why I can see the same thing in other parents so easily. I really see a lot of parents nagging their kids, and not backing it up with anything. Of course, the kids are out of control! Thank you for this great reminder. These are very wise words! I also love your window "mistreatment" (is it really called that?!). Blue with white or yellow is my favorite.
Leila says
Thanks Sue!The Nester calls it "mistreatment"! Instead of "window treatment" — get it! Kind of ironic in a post about spanking :/I hope the document is accessible now…
Freckled Hen says
I like this post. Actually I like all your posts…you always have me thinking. Thanks for this.Oh and your kitchen is very pretty…it's nice and bright.
Briana says
I get lazy in this area. Thanks for getting me thinking about my own discipline. I liked your worksheet also. If you could in the future I would like to see suggestions for disciplining older children and teens. I do make my children hang out with me when they are having one of those days and it really helps.
Pippajo says
You can't see it, but I'm standing on my chair, waving my hat around my head, whistling and clapping! Well done, well done!I could go on, but I just tried to and wound up composing what was essentially a post in your comments column!Suffice it to say, I just really, really loved this!
Bethany says
I found your blog recently and have been enjoying the posts about disciplining children. I have a two and a half year old who has been so easy until recently; now we're having to rethink discipline in our house. I read your worksheet about spanking, but have a question: what is your definition of a spanking? Oh! And I love the window mistreatment, too!
Small Means says
Thank you for this, Leila! I read your blog all the time on Google Reader, but I don't come by to comment very often.I, too, struggle with my own laziness. I let things go until the only reaction is angry disciple and then we end up worse off than if I would have just taken the time to kindly correct at the beginning. Everytime I do it right I'm amazed by how much peace we have. And at how much energy, and more importantly, focus it takes on my part! One can't be on the computer much and be a good parent to littles, I think. Anyway, thank you for your reminder. I feel like perhaps I'm the one who needs the spanking, so I'll be grateful for your nice, gentle smackdown instead! 🙂
Mrs Bossy says
Spanking – such a fundamental concept, and so willfully distorted by so many today. What a lovely, measured discussion. Thanks for your great advice.Mr. & Mrs. Bossy What is really interesting is we were just discussing spanking this morning, at breakfast, with our older children.
simple country livin says
Right on about the discipline part! I commend you for your courage to SAY IT! If only parents would realize that choosing NOT to discipline their child REALLY DOES create anxiety in the child….Can you imagine living in a world where you're not sure of what the boundaries were? Keep up the GREAT wisdom!AND your window treatment is truly an inspiration!
Leila says
Bethany,I added a paragraph to the worksheet about what a spanking IS in our family — hope this helps. Thanks for asking!
G.L.H. says
Thanks for sharing this–it is so, so needed, especially for our young mommies!–Barbara
Breanna says
Amen! Amen! Amen!I've linked to you from my blog, hope that's okay. 🙂 It's not frequent that I find a blog whose decorating advice AND childrearing advice I can endorse. Rock on.
Camille says
Great post! I have a very spirited, independent almost 3 year old who wears me out in the discipline arena daily. I figured out at 15 mos that the only way to get my point across with her was to spank her. What is great, though, is that after her spankings, she always comes back to mama for a hug and forgiveness. My desire is to teach her obedience and respect without breaking her wonderful, driven spirit (which will be handy one day!). My question is this: how do you define "rare", as in spanking should be "rare"? I do stick to the belief that I need to set the expectation for her first and she gets a spanking for willful disobedience (like the ketchup bottle, which would not warrant a spanking in our home). But it seems like I am spanking at least 2-3 times a day whereas "rare" to me would mean about once a month! 🙂 Or does it simply depend on the child?
Mamalama says
Leila, Kudos to you for your child-rearing wisdom!For your readers who may not be quite as far along the path as you are, may I suggest a wonderful website/forum/book available at Amazon?http://www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com/I wish I'd known someone like you (or at least the RGT website) back when I was a new mother!Thank you for preaching the truth of good, Godly discipline. 🙂
Entropy says
Thank you for this!
Kris says
Thank you.After the past year of getting back to homeschooling everyone, I very much see all the weak areas we need to work on.I was planning on having a family meeting today with the older kids and this is just what I needed to get me re-focused on what the littles need as well. :)It might be a long summer for us all. ;)God bless you!
Lisa says
I am enjoying these posts on discipline so much. I'm afraid I fall into the lazy trap more often than I'd like to admit. I don't want to have a battle about putting clothes away or getting a chore done, so I just do it myself, but I am teaching laziness by modeling it! Looking forward to reading more.
Decadent Housewife says
Well said, as usual.
Heidi says
Thank you for this post and the spanking worksheet – it was a breath of fresh air. We're not there quite yet – our daughter's only 4 mo. – but it's definitely something I've been thinking about. My husband and I were both spanked as kids and definitely endorse it, but I've started to feel like the time-out has become the only "approved" discipline method. Both from my own childhood and from observation of a couple of other families I've lived with over the years, though, nothing clears the air during a burgeoning battle of wills like a well administered spanking.
Serene in Singapore says
Oh you said it so right! I loved reading your posts on Discipline coz I subscribe to the same philosophy. But I must say though I have gotten lazier with the last 2 children (#6 & #7) we have. I better buck up!
Rochelle says
You are amazing. 🙂 Thank you for this post (and many others!!)…also love your "mistreatment"…looks great. Thanks from a mom of two babies trying to learn at home….ps: can I import you to my house for a day or week??
Robin says
Oh Auntie, I'm just a big messy ball of anxiety. I have a 6 year old that is so very undisciplined. We have used all kinds of tactics, started with spanking when he was small, but for the most part gave it up when it became ineffective. I think I just gave in to his every whim, him being my first and only for 4 years. Now, he still throws the same fits he did at 3. Screaming, wailing, grinding of teeth. Yesterday, he wouldn't start school when it was time. He argued. Wanted to go outside to do school. You know the drill. I warned him of a spanking. He tested me. So, I spanked him. The poor dear doesn't know that when you get spanked you must bend over the bed as mommy says. I knew growing up that that was the process (and if you knew it was coming, you'd better double up on the undies). Anyway, I gave him a good spanking and he whipped right around and slapped my arm. I think he was as shocked as I was! So, he got a few more as well as an explanation and such and that was that. We have to get this under control. After I spanked him and he got over the crying, we talked. He kept saying the same thing over and over…how he wished he was still a baby and how he wished it was just he and I (minus the 2 little brothers). Also, he seems angry a lot.He's quick to temper and nothing ever seems to suit him. How do I teach him to be a joyful unselfish child? I feel some of the selfishness is the "age" but I don't know anything about this child-rearing stuff. Please help before I screw him up and make his future wife hate me! Homeschooling Mom to 3 in Texas…
Leila says
Dear Robin,Six is too old for mom to start spanking! Only dad can do it effectively now. And there is nothing wrong with turning some discipline over to dad, especially with boys!Instead, go back over the discipline posts and see how you can head off most of his frustrations by being smarter and more in control of externals and less REACTIVE to what is going on. ACT, don't REACT (there is a post about this :)When you need to discipline him, make him stand in a corner — with his face to the corner. Set a timer for 5 minutes. Don't make a big deal of things. Don't panic. He's a good boy who gets naughty, not a bad boy.Now, see what you can do to be more affectionate and warmer. You can cuddle him and pick him up and hug him! You can put your arm around him when you read to him. You can give him lots of fun love and affection in a natural way, and just baby him a bit more. Demand more, be warmer!Show him that being older has its perks. Joke with him, laugh at the baby with him, give him privileges. Being the eldest has more responsibility — it should have more privileges too! Every night see if you have done these things and the next day do a little more. In a week things will be betterDon't worry, you are a good mom!!
Cmerie says
I have read in your posts several times about knowing what to expect developmentally-wise from each particular age group. As an only child with not much experience of children except my own, how do you know what to expect. There is the "What to Expect When…" books, but they seem sort of wishy-washy and the info available is all over the place. Do you have any good resources?